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@The White Belt Yes. The next step is to be the Truth. Awareness and being merge into one. That's true bliss. This is accomplished by simply realizing that that's what you already are.

@Real Eyes Well to answer your question in all honesty I did not have any expectations going into the experience. However I prepared myself as much as I could before the trip and I was ready to experience heaven and bliss or hell and obliteration and I experienced both. It was far beyond anything I could have ever imagined and it was a life changing experience. I read a lot of trip reports and listened to the lectures of Martin Ball and Kilindi Iyi before the trip and that definitely also helped me to ground myself and prepare for the experience. I have thought about it deeply every day since it occurred.

Let me quote what Shankara says in his commentary on Brihadaranyaka upanishad: "And the knower of Brahman has already attained all desires ; he cannot for that very reason have any more desires. The Sruti (upanishads) too says.'We who have attained this Self, this world' (IV.iv. 22). But there are some who hold that even a knower of Brahman has desires. They have certainly never heard the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad, nor of the distinction made by the Sruti that the desire for a son and so forth belongs to an ignorant man, and that with regard to the domain of knowledge, the statement, 'What shall we achieve through children, we who have attained this Self, this world? and so on, is applicable." - Brihad aranyaka Upanishad- chapter 2, section 4 - Introduction by Shankara Brihadaranyaka Upanishad Chapter 4, Section 3, verse 33 states the following: "4.3.33 He who is perfect of body and prosperous among men. the ruler of others, and most lavishly supplied with all human enjoyments, represents the greatest joy among men. This human joy multiplied a hundred times makes one unit of joy for the Manes who have won that world of theirs. The joy of these Manes who have won that world multiplied a hundred times makes one unit of joy in the world of the celestial minstrels. This joy in the world of the celestial minstrels multiplied a hundred times makes one unit of joy for the gods by action those who attain their godhead by their actions. This joy of the gods by action multiplied a hundred times makes one unit of joy for the gods by birth, as well as of one who is versed in the Vedas, sinless and free from desire. This joy of the gods by birth multiplied a hundred times makes one unit of joy in the world of Prajapati (Viraj), as well as of one who is versed in the Vedas, sinless and free from desire. This joy in the world of Prajapati multiplied a hundred times makes one unit of joy in the world of Brahman (Hiranyagarbha), as well as of one who is versed in the Vedas, sinless and free from desire. This indeed is the supreme bliss. This is the state of Brahman, O Emperor, said 'Yajnavalkya. I give you a thousand (cows), sir. Please instruct me further about liberation itself.' At this Yajnavalkya was afraid that the intelligent Emperor was constraining him to finish with all his conclusions." Shankara also acknowledges this verse in his commentary on this Upanishad and further cites a verse from Mahabharata in his commentary: "Vedavyasa also says, 'The sense pleasures of this world and the great joys of heaven are not worth one-sixteenth part of the bliss that comes of the cessation of desire' (Mbh. XII. clxxiii. 47)."

Talking about living true to your values, today was a good day. I finally know my job decently enough to guide customer, and even if it's just basic guidance (working in a hypermarket) the egoless state and bliss that appears just after is amazing. Know imagine this feeling, and multiply it by 100, this is how it probably feels to live according to your deepest values.

To anyone doing research for their life purpose, mastering a skill set for their life purpose, or finally making strides to finish a project for their life purpose, please understand one thing: Embrace Not Knowing. If there were any one idea that's important to understand about nailing your life purpose, it would be this one. Your level of success in any career field is directly tied to how well you can tolerate Not Knowing: If you will get paid If your idea is actually that good or you're just a crazy person Where you might have to go next in your career path Whether your career's assumptions are accurate Not Knowing is the well-spring - the ground - the source for creativity and insight. Creativity starts with a question, with uncertainty, not with a cut-and-dried answer. You cannot ever have True Knowing without having Not Knowing precede it or, perhaps, be it. Yep, I said it: True Knowing might just be Not Knowing. What you don’t know is what you don’t know. And it's not like pretending to not know changes the fact that you don’t know: It just means that you've deluded yourself into thinking you know, when indeed you don't. But herein lies the rub: You fucking hate sitting Truly Knowing Not Knowing. That’s why you buy the courses and the books and the videos and the seminars and the training courses that you waste so much time on. That’s why you distract yourself from what's right in front of you. That’s why you read my articles, Leo's articles, and any other idiot on this forum's articles. You just need something - the thing. It's in your genes. If your ancestors wondered for too long whether that noise near the bushes was a predator or not, you wouldn't be here right now. Our brains are geared to make fast assumptions, and questioning them in many cases quite literally equates to death. No wonder we're so hardwired for confirmation bias. No wonder we need quick fixes. ---- I started watching Actualized.org Videos during my senior year of college. My success up to that point had nothing to do with my happiness and I was adamant that the same would be true in the future.This was pretty distressing to realize at the time. It meant that I didn’t know what lay ahead of me. Mainly, it told to me that my dream of becoming a doctor had nothing to do with happiness. My whole life up to that point was about becoming a doctor – what the hell would I do? I purchased the life purpose course, meditated, and came up with some pretty cool visions for the future. Here’s what I came up with: I could use my background in neuroscience to help create a technology that would link consciousnesss together. My vision included a search for what part of the brain created consciousness as well as technologies that would allow people to turn their brain into holodecks. Basically, I wanted to turn astral projection into a technological science that went beyond psychedelics or VR and went to mainstream society. My heroes at the time included people (read: chimps) like Elon Musk, Walt Disney, Tony Stark, and Barack Obama, amongst others. Almost everyone Leo listed off as someone not to follow, I followed. If you want to see my vision board, here you go: The Enlightened Warrior Sage of Bliss.pdf @Leo Gura advised me that though I was onto the right path, I would be wise not to put the cart ahead of the horse. So, with his perspective, I went back into the Hallowed Grounds of Not Knowing. Specifically, I had to understand what consciousness was before I even began raising it, especially with dangerous A.I. tech. This meant researching a ton of weird areas that I would previously have never even begun to consider. If my militant-atheist, fundamental-rationalist sophomore or junior-year version of myself had heard of me these areas, he would have laughed before crying. I’m talking about things like: o Lucid dreaming o Astral Projection o Psychedelics o The Nature of Reincarnation o Witchcraft o The No Self o Chakras o Kundalini o Shamanic Traditions o And *gasp* books arguing against the logic of science amongst other things In Leo's video about the paranormal, he talks about the scientist who goes off to a cave, only to return with a truth he can't describe. Well, I am that scientist. How do I explain to scientific advisors that we can't link consciousness together because it's already linked together right now as it is? How do I explain that I can't create A.I. consciousness because the A.I. would already be made out of consciousness? How do I explain that entire fields of science are straight up looking in thanks wrong direction? But here’s the thing: the ability to rest in Not Knowing while doing research has paid off greatly. There’s a ton of stuff that I’ve recognized just in the past year that has saved me literally lifetimes of seeking. Amongst others: o Perhaps I don’t need to be anything or anyone special o Perhaps I don’t need to become rich and famous to be worthy o Perhaps I don’t need to one-up my ex-girlfriend to get back at her – the goal that originally launched me into self-help material o Perhaps I don’t need some big fancy life purpose that saves the whole world immediately. Perhaps its often the people who do that who mess up the world because of their narrow-minded unawareness. o Perhaps the Tao Te Ching is right in saying that the actions taken with the least damage are the wisest o Perhaps what the world needs is to specifically not need to do or be anything other than what they are, as-is, and if we did that, everyone would be better off naturally. I’m not talking about me using that as an excuse to sit around doing nothing: I’m saying that 1) we all need to get out of our own way with our egos to 2) help others have enough and then 3) be able to sit around happily now that we’ve all as a species had enough. o Perhaps That’s’ the only actual need anyone has: the need to have the ability to simply Be themselves happily. o Perhaps You don't have to do anything to meet that primary need other than remove your own conditions for happiness o Perhaps It’s just an assumption that consciousness is created by the brain. o Perhaps it’s the other way around than from what I was taught at the world’s #1 medical university. o Perhaps its consciousness that creates the brain. o Perhaps there’s no need to chase around the holy grail of a “neural correlate of consciousness” like the thousands of other neuroscientists and neurosurgeons who’ve gotten nowhere. o Perhaps the answer is right under the scientists nose and their culture and dogmatism prevents them from seeing it, not the data. o Perhaps I don’t need to subject myself to some of the bullshit faced by academia to get ideas out there o Yet perhaps no matter what path I choose, it’ll be filled with trial and tribulation unless I choose to see things otherwise. --- Do you get that each one of those realizations is worth a lifetime of understanding? I’m not exaggerating whatsoever. Just the first two bullet points explain how the entire Los Angeles Culture came about. The third is enough to get past 5 years of therapy. And the 4th would have saved Elon Musk 50 years of effort. And so on and so on. And those aren’t even all the insights I’ve had! There are at least 250 pages worth of insights scribbled in my journals. All – ALL – because of my ability to Rest in Not Knowing ---- After purging myself of some of my original pursuits, sense of self, and attachments, what's left? I’m still left with my strengths: 1. Wisdom/Opennness/Judgment 2. Social Intelligence 3. Love of Learning 4. Creativity 5. Zest/Enthusiasm/Optimism 6. Humor 7. Bravery I’m also left with the same tangible skill set as ever: o The ability to recall information from +250 books on psychology, history, science, medicine, religion, philosophy, metaphysics, and science fiction o The ability to research the shit out of anything using the internet, books, and good old contemplation o The ability to gain a wide, nonjudgmental perspective during conversation and brainstorms o Making unforeseen connections between seemingly unrelated areas of interest o Digesting hard concepts into smaller, simpler ones o The balls and enthusiasm to share my ideas while still listening to others I also got my MCAT scores back. After 550 hours of study, I killed it. Especially when it comes to psychology – I got a perfect score in that section! So here's the final question: What are my plans now? Fool, did you not read anything I wrote? I DO NOT FUCKING KNOW AND THAT’S PERFECTLY AS IT SHOULD BE. (More seriously, I am considering pursuing clinical neuropsychology. Specifically, there’s a chance that I take the energy I would have used on finding a neural correlate of consciousness and use it to figure out the neural correlates of Enlightenment. There seems to be an open niche regarding 5-meo-dmt in research and if I hop in now, I could position myself as the #1 person in the world on the topic of the Science of Enlightenment using 5-meo. See, Martin Ball didn't have Martin Ball to help show Martin Ball the ropes. But I do. I also see the possibility of creating psychedelic integration programs with biofeedback, journaling and zen noting techniques thrown in for the phase in between doses. But until then…) Goodbye Neurosurgery Goodbye Becoming the next Musk Goodbye One-upping my genius ex-girlfriend Hello Unconditional Happiness Hello Darkness, My old friend and Hello Not Knowing, let's see what we come up with today.

I always imagine that in truly living your purpose...that there would be bliss in the devotion of the mastery... that time working would simply melt away in irrelevance.... the present moment would be amazing all the time... that everyday would be an adventure...like this classic song:

@John Iverson There are many places that you can receive training. @Sarah Marie would be the best person to ask since she is a practicing spiritual medium. I just recently found out that I channel angels. I started receiving spiritual guidance when I changed my diet to Raw Vegan. You may not need to change your diet but everyone is different. I know there are a few books that say if you want to be better able to communicate with your guardian angels they will highly suggest that you change your diet and detox friendships and negative feelings. I am not familiar with what is required for spirits in general. A lot of the time we have blockages that prevent us from seeing them/ feeling/ hearing/ etc. A lot of it is revolved around fear and lack of belief. They will not show themselves if you don't believe or are afraid of them. There is spiritual growth involved and needed to experience angels. I'm not as familiar with the deceased because I don't receive their messages. They are on a different lower vibration. This is not to be perceived as bad. As there is nothing wrong having a connection with loved ones from the other side. Just because they have crossed over to the other side doesn't mean they still don't have an ego, and their own opinions. And they may want to contact and connect with you. It's just that Angels are messengers from God, and have the highest intention of helping you to fulfill your life purpose and to bring peace on Earth thus they have a higher vibration. Everything is energy. Our brains and minds are receivers and transmitters of energy, and put an actual frequency based off of our emotions. There is a lot to be learned about energy, and I would highly recommend learning, studying and mastering the LAW OF ATTRACTION, as there is a huge connection between energy, manifesting success, and contacting spiritual entities. It even helps with prayer. You have to be careful who you listen to about the Law of attraction stuff because there are a lot of teachers that sell products that have absolutely no clue what they are talking about. This guy knows his stuff hands down: Kevin Trudeau. He is a good place to start. **** Everyone has the ability to be Psychic and connect with their Angels and Spirit Guides. It's whether or not people choose to do it and seek to clear the blockages that may be preventing them from receiving their messages clearly. The six different clairs are: (or ways spirits communicate with us) Clairvoyance–having clear seeing, someone sees through the third eye between his or her two eyes. One sees flashes, images, or something like a movie film of what is happening in the past, present or future. *I see repeating numbers a lot of the time. If you are seeing repeating numbers you should take the liberty to look up and see what advice and guidance you are receiving from you guardian angels. Because of my Reiki and when I close my eyes I see "colored flames", which are the Archangels who help to send Reiki Energy and healing. *My mother saw my dad a few weeks later after he had crossed over. She saw his physical body, but he looked younger and in good health. He was there to provide her comfort and let her know that she was ok. I've never had the opportunity to see spirits except for my near death experience in December 2014 when I saw an angel in my hallway. http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/p/index-numbers.html Clairaudience–having clear hearing, someone who hears information with the mind, not the ears. Basically, it is telepathic information coming into one’s mind. Sometimes people will hear this as a regular voice as if someone is speaking to them. This is not to be confused with the ego voice that we hear that is negative and puts us down....aka the monkey mind. There is a HUGE major difference between clairaudience messages and hearing voices, or having negative thoughts in your head. There are many books that talk about this. Usually the clairaudience voices have these characteristics: Sentences usually begin with the words you or we. Theres a sense that someone else is talking to you, even if it sounds like your own voice. It's readily apparent how the message to your immediate concerns or questions The voice is to the point and blunt. The sound is loving and positive, even if it's warning you of danger. It asks you to take immediate action, including changing your thoughts or attitude to be more loving. You may hear a voice call your name upon awakening. You could be aware of strains of beautiful disembodied "celestial music" (They can also send you songs you hear on the radio, or they get stuck in your head. The song lyrics usually have some piece of advice that you need or provide comfort. I get this all the time and out of the blue for no reason.) You might receive a message of self improvement or helping others. (This happens to me a lot) False clairaudience, false guidance or imagination Sentences usually begin with the word I It feels like you are talking to yourself The message is muddy, cyrptic or unclear The voice is wordy or vague it's taunting, alarming or cruel (which is a clear sign this is your ego) Theres gossip and speculation about others you hear abusive words you experience loud, unpleasant music, or noises Theres a message to hurt yourself or others. *** This information is being quoted from the book: How to Hear Your Angels by Doreen Virtue, PH.D. She is a psychotherapist and a spiritual medium. She has a lot of really good books as well as a class to learn how to connect with your angels. Claircognizance–having clear knowing, someone has information or knowledge of something that he or she does not actually know. Thoughts come out of nowhere, popping into one’s mind, and give information about something that might happen in the future. (I've had this happen during my hypnosis sessions, usually when I'm wearing my Lapis Lazuli necklace. I just seem to give really good positive advice that just comes out of no where! It just comes naturally) Clairsentience–having clear feeling, someone can feel the information within him or herself. An example of this would be if someone is having an anxiety attack and the clairsentience person feels this in his or her own chest. With Clairsentience you may experience: Air temperature changes (I get this a lot when I play with Angel Tarot Cards. I usually feel heat over the cards that I should choose after I have asked a question A sudden surge of euphria or bliss ( I have this happen alot with my reiki) A gut feeling that this experience is surreal, even if you're reluctant to share it with others. A sense of familiarity coming over you as a deceased person you knew well hovers nearby Clairgustance–having clear tasting, someone can taste something that isn’t really there. For example, someone tastes chocolate but he or she is not actually eating any chocolate. Clairalience—having clear smelling, someone can smell odors that are not present. An example of this would be to smell some perfume or a cigar, but neither of these things is present in that moment. Usually people that are deceased like to visit there loved ones to check on them and provide comfort. You may smell familiar scents or smells of someone that has recently crossed over. I've had this happen to. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are many types of spiritual experiences and connections you can have. I also had a major break through when I studied Reiki. Reiki is spiritually guided energy, which gives life to everything on Earth. Once I was attuned I was feeling a major connection there. Another route you can take is Shamanism. I also had a hypnosis client tell me that he was using 5MEO DHT and one time he saw Aliens after he asked permission to see them. They even gave him some great advice as well. It was a life changing experience for him. He said he used 5MEO for several years, but he only saw the Aliens twice. I'm going to ask a friend of mine who is also received psychic training and see where she studied from. I would also search for groups at meetup.com and on facebook to see if you can find more information and people to connect with channeling.

Reminds me of my 1st LSD experience with my close friend, it felt like we became gods and lived for thousands of years in that night alone we had no recollection of time whatsoever. It was bliss and yeah words are pointless explaining experiences like these ahaha just gotta embrace and express gratitude and eventually energy circulates thus reality shifts

You are the Truth Carrying the weight of past in my head And dragging the scenes which were old and dead, I ran to grab the bliss of the future; The more I ran, the more was the torture.. The torture of the hedonic treadmill Followed me as I continued uphill; I was caught in the prison of craving With tedious thoughts, my mind was raving. I met an ugly old man on the way who had a long thick beard with shades of grey. His face was shining with heavenly bliss; In his eyes I saw an endless abyss! "What makes you so happy in this rat race?", I asked him as he slowly turned his face. He replied,"The answer is within you! The grand kingdom of God is within you!" "That's a joke", I said "Are you kidding me?". "No!" He said, "Turn inward, you'll become free! You've made your own boundaries inside your mind, You've closed your eyes and think you've become blind". I said, "How can I get out of this trap? I want to find the way, give me the map" He said, "You're the way, the truth and the life! Be still and know you're that, and end this strife! You’re not your body and you’re not your mind; Not knowing the timeless truth makes you blind; You’re not your story and you’re not your thoughts; You’re not those age old, buried mental knots. You’re not that chattering voice in your head; You’re not anything that you did or said; You’re not anything that you have or know You’re the truth that is watching all this show! You’re not anything that can be perceived; You’re not an object that can be observed; You’re the screen where the world is being played; You’re the emptiness where the form is made. You’re the one witnessing the mind and breath; You’re one without two, beyond birth and death; Like the air trapped in a small round bubble, You feel separate which brings all the trouble. Inquire inside and wake up from this dream! Let truth alone shine like a bright white beam! By inquiry, your illusions will break; You’ll stop mistaking the rope for a snake" Hearing these words stopped my thoughts for a while. Looking in, I slowly began to smile. I watched my thoughts as they slowly passed by; I observed my mind like a secret spy. For years, I contemplated on his words; I watched my thoughts fly like a bunch of birds. One day, I woke up and realized the truth; Since then my life has been peaceful and smooth!

#11 Non-Duality suggests that ownership is a story/thought. We tend to say "My body" instead of saying "Body" (body is another thought) We say "My thoughts" instead of "Thoughts" Instead of "Feelings of Bliss" we say "My feelings of bliss" Instead of "Feelings of suffering" we tend to say "My feelings of suffering"

Since I started running in the road less traveled (I say running cause things have been changing in the speed of light) I dont know who I am anymore and the last time I counted I had around 57 personalities within my body, life is pretty crazy and amazing right now. The decision - I knew I would have some weeks off of vacation and had the brilliant idea of doing a Vipassana retreat, after reading a comment from Leo. I love challenging myself and exploring my mind, so I was as excited as my trip to Cancun last year, it’s fascinating how my interests changed, psychedelics, meditation retreats, workshops, books, are far more interesting than any other stuff I used to do. So it was like I was going to another country, to experience new things, I had THAT excitment because since I moved to US (I’m from Brazil) my plan was travelling the world, but happily (after taking mdma) I found out I have billions of continents inside my head and the whole universe to explore within me, I decided to calm the fuck down to handle the mind breaking experiences I’ve been having in the consciousness terrains. I packed my bag and woooow it was the first time my ego was not coming with me, my clothes were all baggy, comfortable pants, simple shirts, nothing else, naked soul. On my way there I started to realize what I was doing and kept repeating to myself “the fuck did I do with my precious vacation?“ my friend said: abort this mission and lets go somewhere else, but I knew myself pretty well, I’m going all the way in, I may lose my body or my soul in the process but I feel like something inside me hungers for knowing a little bit more of the unknown. First day.. I will jump right to the end of it cause after getting there the only thing I could think was how to get out of there haha I fantasized so much crossing the gates.. I was freaking out, so I went to my tent, the whole torture started for my ego, reaaaaaaally challenging stuff, they nicely put me in a tent in the fucking top of the mountain far from everyone, but as we say in Brazil, once you are in the rain, embrace the wetness, I usually sleep pretty late, and there I was 8:30pm, me, the crickets, deers, and all the insects and animals my ears were capable of listening in the pitch black darkness, I understood deeply when people say that when you shut one of the senses down the others are far more accurate, I was listening like a blind person, and whenever an animal approached the tent my spine and sometimes whole body would get goosebumps all over, I guess is an instinct thing, my body was in alert mode, saying: animals around!! animals around!! wake the fuck up, and that was how I slept the 12 nights, I actually barely slept cause the meditations would give me a lot of energy, and I wasn’t moving my body enough so it was haaard, I love exercising, that part was pretty challenging too, the do nothing part. Also it was full moon, I usually dont sleep well when the moon is full, so the last day I slept 2 hours and I realized animals are louder in the full moon.. I'm complaining now but I loved the experience The retreat Routine, the bell rings 4am, I wake up and drag my body like a zombie to the meditation hall, those two hours of meditation in the morning I never knew how efficient it was, since I was half asleep, my guesses are that I was losing consciousness, in a deep meditative state, or the most likely I was just sleeping haha The meditations overall were good, but I must confess I had a huge problem with the technique cause I needed to focus on my nose and breathing, I have allergies so I would sneeze all the time, I decided secretly do the do nothing technique, sometimes I would use their technique but in the first day my mind was already refusing to do the same thing over and over again, and I started an interesting journey where I was creating meditation techniques, I was mixing everything I knew, concentration, counting, self inquiry, repetition of words, I can not say how are the results of the retreat because I was not able to use their technique the whole time I know my bad, but I did what I could with what I had, maybe my results/insights would be much better if I could control my mind to do what they were saying, I was really creative so my mind was in creation mode, it was like I was receiving pure raw energy from the universe and I needed to use it as soon as possible, I love drawing so I had crazy ideas and I would get really lost in this wandering part, even goals I have in life, I would start creating stuff out of nowhere, pretty interesting, I guess the next one will be easier, also I need to meditate longer daily to prepare my mind to long hours of sitting. I wont describe everyday cause as you must know there was not excitement at all, the most exciting day was the day I hand washed my underwear and put them to dry in the clothesline, I haven’t done that in years, so drying my clothes in the sun just felt weirdly awesome haha I’m gonna cite some of my insights and feelings about it: Judgments all over the place - I fucking judge the shit out of people, those 10 days I judged every single person in the retreat, I created them in my mind like I imagined them to be, it was as I already knew them, the ones who smiled were nice people, the serious ones were evils, its incredible how we judge, without people even open their mouths, in the last day, that we were free to talk my ego was slapped in the face 70 times, that was the number of people there, everybody was so nice and I imagined them evils, so I realized that all the evilness I saw in them is what I have inside myself, my judgments, all my creation, big lesson. “We dont see things as they are, we see them as we are.” dont know who said that but so true The day I loved Trump unconditionally - I reached some deep states of meditation, the 6th day it was the worst day, I was almost doing cartwheels to take out the energy out of my body, but it was also the day I went deeper, again I was not using their technique, but I knew the root of most of my problems comes from lack of self love so I had this idea to imagine myself kissing my whole body, from top to bottom, when I got to my toes something shifted within myself, I started loving every fucking thing in that room, people, objects and specially myself, it was unconditional infinite love, to make sure I was really experiencing that I thought about Trump, and there I was loving trump unconditionally, I loved the cushions, the floor, the people, and a feeling of gratitude for being there, and I loved myself, soooooo much, I couldn’t explain that, I didnt want to move, I could barely feel my body, then I understood Buddah and all the people who meditates for long periods of time, that was pure bliss, I had to get up cause they had a discourse, the feeling stayed with me until I wen to bed/tent, it was fading away fast. I will never forget that, it was like I was on mdma but naturally, I got what I wanted, that little glimpse just showed me I’m on the right path and I’ll keep going. I also had some psychedelic visions and feelings, it was a whole big trip. One day I went really deep doing self inquiry, its so interesting how the body/ mind reacts with the simple question: WHO AM I? one of the sessions I went so deep that it was like I was in a rollercoaster, I will be doing much more self inquiry from now on. Pain - Pain - Pain - I experienced some weird feelings in my body, one day my spine was burning so much that I got up to touch it because for me it was on fire, I wont talk about their technique, but basically we would scan our bodies looking for sensations, the pain in my body would go from my knees, my butt, back and everywhere, the sessions of strong determination sitting were where I saw more results, my pain was in its peak so when I focused on the center of the pain I would have feelings of body expansion, or like my body was swollen, really really big, and I would feel lighter afterwards, I had peak experiences almost everyday, what happened was in the beginning of the day I would think about giving up and going home but my last sitting of the day I would reach a deep state and was invigorated and excited for the next day, that was how I survived, also whenever I closed my eyes in the last days it was like my body was doing the thing by itself, I just needed to stay still and relax, it became easier but at the same time challenging, really special days. Openmindedness/ Vipassana retreats may save marriages- well I cant talk for others but my mind (since I couldnt move and was kind of forced to be still) was all over the place, my brazilian monkey mind was crossing Amazon, I thought about the most wild things, especially sexual desires, I didnt feel like masturbating (although I did twice just from boredom and to take energy out of my body) but I had naughty thoughts about everyone, it was like my ego was punishing me to put him in a jail for a while, the 4th or 5th day I decided I wanted to get 5 more tattoos, buy a motorcycle, have a threesome, have sex with a girl, be more honest (like radical honesty), be wilder, try an open relationship, learn tantric sex, awaken my divine feminine, explore and master sex, take more risks, start a youtube channel, read more books, meet more open minded people, be a stripper for a while, do more psychedelics, and the list goes on and on, I was raw and ready to explore the world, and live my full potential, I havent talked about it with other people but I guess it was a big mind opener for me, I’ve been working a lot in my openmindedness so it could also be that. I thought I would come back a monk but it happened the contrary, I’m actually afraid of myself now, I’m super happy and really motivated to reach my goals in life, to keep going with my career, thrive and give my contribution to the world. I imagine what the retreat did with other people, but I guess it can totally save marriages We trip balls without technology - since we didnt have our phones, people were rolling in the grass, hugging and kissing trees, smelling flowers, playing with rocks, connecting deeply with insects, amazed by silly things. Seriously, imagine kids in nature, adults without cellphones are that, literally, I’ve never seen something like that before, interesting how human beings acts in nature without interacting with other human beings and without technology. Becoming vegeterian - In the rules is written “fast is not permitted’ but man we were all fasting haha I lost a couple pounds and the first days I was starving, after lunch 11am we would only have a tea with fruits, anyway my body got used to it easily since I wasn’t exercising. The food is awesome, all vegetarian, and it was interesting, I could feel the energy of the food, Im a carnivorous person but I felt pretty good and after coming back I ate meat only twice, I’m planning to stick with the habit, great experience. Met an escort/ Networking - I met all kinds of people you can imagine, from monks to escorts, all the people were really nice, and reaaally interesting, two of the most interesting ones had a big and huge spiritual ego, I proved my theory that when we start this spiritual path, the things we learn, our ego uses it for evilness if we fall in the ego traps, but focusing in the nice people, there was one girl there that I could totally feel her energy, it was like my soul was being pulled when she talked, like she was brighter than other people, really interesting, I also sucked the mind of the escort girl haha I was really interested about her life, the last night we sat and talked for two hours, she is soooo nice, and cute, and pretty, 9 months ago I would just run away from her with all my judgments, but thanks to Leo my mind is wide open and I could absorb the best things out of that conversation, it was her third vipassna retreat this year, she said she would never be able to handle that life if it wasnt for Vipassana, she is also in an open relationship, it was awesome connecting to her, when she talks I could feel that everything she says comes from her heart, she is super honest and talks freely about everything, I met amazing people, I met one guy who watches Leo too, we were so fucking happy to connect, Leo thank you! I’ve met so many gold people in the forum and out in the world, every person who watches you has that thing, that thirst for improvement and live life fully, we talked about 5MEO, me and 4 other people are planning a mushroom trip close to Alan Watts cabin, the networking was one of the best things in the retreat, it was a big concentration of interesting people. Back to reality - The last days of the retreat I was super motivated but I also had a feeling of wholeness, like I didn’t need anyone or anything, I was complete, so I got back home thinking I would go straight have sex, food, drugs and rocknroll but no, I could fucking hear the SILENCE, I took a bath and the bubbles popping were so overwhelming and annoying, I tried to talk to my sister but my heart started speeding up, I would start sweating, everything was overwhelming and intense, I just wanted calmness, so I sat to meditate, I couldn’t believe I was doing that, my butt was sore from all the sitting in the last days, but I wanted to keep the calmness, I could feel it fading away, it was so hard to get to the state I was at that moment, my soul was asking for the calmness, it felt so comfortable sitting to meditate, still feels good, feels like home. Aftereffects - I’m still able to hear the silence, I can feel my heart beating, I can recognize when I say things from my heart and when is the ego talking, I can feel my connection with people, I realized I’m calmer and my friends are afraid of me cause I’m looking them in the eyes, I can hear the vibration of my emotions, its like a sharp buzzing noise that comes from my heart or whatever, really interesting how I’m aware of my body and highly sensitive, I changed a lot of things in my life, habits, people, I still can/t believe how it changed me, I’m writing this down one week after, things are still overwhelming and real life seems way too busy, how did I live like that my whole life? Fun facts - 1 - I had so much free time that one day a common mosquito sat on my hand, my goodness it was the most amazing mosquito in the world, then I realized that my perception was changed, colors were brighter, everything was more beautiful. 2 - the bells were rang whenever was time to wake up or eat, or go to the meditation hall, so I realized we were like zombies walking around doing nothing and when the bell rang we were all dragging our bodies towards the bell haha 3 - my mind was highly creative, I needed a pen so much to write stuff down, one day I went to talk to the teacher in the meditation hall and I spotted a pen under her chair, for three days I planned how to steal that pen, I ended up behaving myself 4 - There was a woman there with high levels of anxiety, breathing deeply and screaming a bit sometimes, since everybody was so loving and nice, I choose her to be the aim of my hatred, and it got worse one day that they served a cake and she made a hole in the middle of the cake to have her piece, it wasn't a big thing but my ego needed someone to hate and judge haha she was super stressed dropping little actions of unkindness, so I finally had someone to hate, it felt awesome but really bad thing to do, I also realized that if my mom did the retreat she would be exactly like this woman, if not worse, then I felt compassion, and the day I loved Trump unconditionally I included her too. Well that was it, I wrote it more for me but I thought about sharing here for people who want to do Vipassana as well. Its free they work through donation and you can serve in other retreats as well. It was an amazing experience for me, I’m really glad I had the opportunity to do so, next step is gonna be a third 5meo trip, hopefully I’ll breakthrough, life is becoming more and more exciting each day, I’ll come back to write a report if things turn out well.. Thank you for reading!! Much love, Miss Nobody

#9 That's what I thought at first. I thought I was becoming enlightened and no self and shit. Those experiences will come, will go. Sometimes it can even be depressing. Still experiences are experiences. Let them move. My mistake was that I kept chasing them, thinking "This is what Enlightenment is! I got to keep myself in this state" Your experiences, whether bliss or unbliss, does not get you closer or further from awakening.

So much this! Seeking is dangerous, but off-course some seeking can help, and be required to start even. The danger of seeking to much, is that you start to identify as a seeker. "Being spiritual" becomes your identity, it becomes a way to value yourself as a self. This will create the biggest ego blockage there is, and is the ultimate ironic joke when trying to become enlightened (for which there is no trying). It can become impossible to escape from this, because everything such a person does will only strengthen the ego. Meditation, contemplation, they all will become tools in the domain of the ego then. The more you practice the stronger this ego will become, because it is how it has learned to identify itself with spirituality itself. It is part of its habits, its values, it very core to "be spiritual". Many new-agy types are fully stuck in this mode, (without meaning to insult anyone). It is not such a bad state to be in, it can be blissful/peaceful even. This state is usually only broken down when something very emotional happens, that shows the incompleteness of this imagined/projected bliss. That is not to say that meditation or contemplation are inherently to be avoided fully. But be careful once the ego or mind claims them for itself. By ego, i never mean some strange thing to fight against, it is just the human part of us, the monkey, or unconscious thought-stories. People need to feel valuable to be happy, and the ego provides this function in a way. If you get a sense of achievement or pride from long meditation sessions, if it gives you perceived value over others, even if ever slightly, tread carefully..

@Not a shaolin monk If you increase your awareness to a high enough level "you" will stop planning. There is no "you" that plans. Watch planning happen instead. The Self is aware of planning but does not plan. But feed your mind the right knowledge so it can use it. So it is good to learn about strategizing and planning. But "you" do not strategize or plan. That's an illusion. It's almost like knowledge is food for the subconscious mind, but it is never acted on consciously. So, you do want to learn about planning and strategizing to have those options there, but "you" do not strategize or plan. It just happens, there is no "doer". There is only an observer. The Self watches all this happen like sipping a cocktail on a beach just people watching, in total openness, acceptance, and bliss. There is nothing to do. Watch this video. It made a huge impact on me. And watch this one.

I would like to hear some your childhood spiritual experiences. I only read about depersonalization about 5 years ago, and I had to let go of a lot of these profound magical experiences I interpreted as being divine. Likely as a result of a severe anxiety/depressive disorder, I had sometimes bizzare windows into what I thought was a spiritual inquiry. I think this was a way of my brain dealing with trauma as a child, but to this day I still experience some depersonalization from time to time but nothing on the magnitude of what I've experienced before. Sometimes I wake up in this state, things seem bizzare, alien, or sometimes even serene and tranquil. I've never had a frightening depersonalization episode like others have described. They are normally states I enjoy being in and would attempt at times to induce it, but there is no mechanism that I'm aware of, it just happens, or is likely to happen under certain conditions. During these episodes my mind gets quiet, deathly silent, I'm detached, usually in a state of bliss, and I have a very pleasant feeling of just existing, in these moments I feel so utterly complete and content I want to stay in this place forever. It feels like discovery almost, like finding a tranquil grove in the woods after wading through rough brush and difficult terrain. Other times it feels like I'm in an alien world, like things are bizzare and the mind is active and questioning everything, there is confusion. Other episodes feel like there is an entity with me, like a divine presence, but there is very limited thoughts in these states, it's like my background of scrolling thoughts just ceases, it's like you are just existing without thoughts or ideas about who you are, where your going, what happened in your past, what will happen in the future. Large wide open spaces seem to trigger me, and it's more likely to happen if I'm alone than with others, but it's not required. Normally, it just occurs out of no where, anytime, any reason, though sometimes it occurs after a significantly stressful few days. The episodes can last hours or minutes. I had thought that these were profound and "special" experiences. It plays into my ego perfectly. It fits in with the "I am unique and mysterious" paradigm I created. I've let this stuff go for the most part, but it's interesting that it occurs and still occurs. I think it's a defense mechanism that provides me comfort in difficult times. I wouldn't mind hearing if any others have experiences like these.

Perhaps we are just limited by language here, and i am just misunderstanding your intentions/meanings. Sometimes i think you know what you are talking about, other times it seems just totally besides the point. Why? How? This is a strange belief of the mind. This is true, words are from the mind, they cannot describe enlightenment. That which creates words cannot become enlightened anyway. The moment you speak, write or think about enlightenment, duality is created. Who exactly is doing al this stuff? Is that you really? But who is doing things, who is imagining things? Who is being effortless, or who is using effort? Is that really the big you? Is the big you ever doing anything, aside from being (alive)? Is the big you even seeing, or is it aware of a monkey's sight creating seeing? If you do all that stuff and think it has much value for reaching enlightenment, you are just a monkey thinking it is aware of itself. Its not wrong for the monkey to do stuff, or to have fun in life, or to do activities that puts it in a mental state of bliss or calm or unity. But it has little to do with enlightenment, its more about manufacturing pleasurable feelings/thoughts to be aware of. What enlightenment is, is disidentification with the monkey, and awakening to the true self that is watching the monkey run around in life. It is the realization, that we are actually the entire world the monkey is running around in. It does not really matter one bit what the monkey is doing after that, from an enlightenment perspective. And there is more than one monkey running around in this existence. From a perspective of the monkey's life, regarding, money, success and the monkey's emotions, the monkey can still work to better itself. It can perhaps even become aware it is just a dream, while trying to be a good dream. But this is more an indirect result of enlightenment, rather than enlightenment itself, and it can be done without enlightenment entirely. This is why all those activities are just mental exercises and irrelevant. The monkey can never become anything more than a monkey, it cannot become enlightenment. You cannot be enlightened as a human being, because you are not a human being. But we were never really the human being to begin with, we are that which is aware, consciousness, one.

@Joseph Maynor Yoga means union, the science of union. Meditation is the most supreme phenomenon as far as union with reality is concerned. Meditation is the god of yoga. But yoga has fallen into wrong hands, and not only recently – for centuries it has been in the wrong hands. The original fault must be with the founder, Patanjali himself. Patanjali has divided yoga into eight parts. His division is clear-cut, very scientific, but he was not really aware of human stupidity. He started with the body – and that's the right way to start. The first part of yoga must be physiological because man lives on the circumference, in the body, so the work has to start there, only then can it reach the mind. And when one has gone beyond the body and beyond the mind, then the third, meditation, happens. So according to Patanjali the first part belongs to the body. But he was not clearly aware that millions of people would remain entangled with the first part. Hence yoga has become synonymous with yoga postures: people standing on their heads and doing all sorts of contortions. That has become synonymous with yoga. It is not a true yoga, it is just the preface, the introductory part; and the person who thinks the introduction is the whole book is idiotic. But Patanjali did not warn people. If he had warned people it would have been better. People like Patanjali believe in others' intelligence – which is not there! They trust. Their trust is immense, their trust is as immense as people's stupidity is! They respect people's intelligence. So he did not warn people, but the warning was absolutely necessary: 'Don't get entangled in the physiological part.' A few people, only very few – if a hundred people become interested in yoga then only one person will get out of the physiological entanglement. And that one person will become entangled in the psychological. If a hundred persons are entangled in the psychological then only one person gets out of it...and only when you get out of the mind does the real yoga begin. The physiological part of yoga will give you great physiological powers; it can make you live a really long, healthy life. But what are you going to do with a long life? If you are idiotic, instead of being idiotic for seventy years you will be idiotic for two hundred years. It is not going to help anybody; it will be a calamity. Yoga can make a person live long, but what will you do? That physiological part should not be paid so much attention. Yes, a little bit is good to keep physically fit, but just a little bit; otherwise it is a vast jungle. One can be lost in its subtleties, in its complexities. The second part is even vaster than the physiological. If you get into it you can have many psychic powers, you can read people's thoughts. But what is the point? Your own rubbish is so much, what is the point of reading somebody else's rubbish? He is tortured by his rubbish and you are reading his thoughts – and you think you are doing something great! The real thing is to get rid of thoughts, not to read them. One even has to get rid of one's own thoughts; what is the point of reading other people's thoughts? And what is there? You can stand by the side of the road and you can see a man is walking along and thinking of his dog – so what? If you listen to people's thoughts, what will you find? Somebody is thinking of his cow, somebody is thinking of his buffalo, somebody is thinking of his wife, somebody is thinking of somebody else's wife! And you are thinking what they are thinking! Maybe the other person is also a yogi and is reading somebody else's thoughts. Then things become very complicated! The physiological part is ordinary, the psychological part is ordinary. Both can give power, but power is not the goal of meditation. Power is politics, all kinds of power is politics. And power corrupts – all kinds of power – it corrupts unconditionally and absolutely. It always corrupts. Hence I say the only essential thing, the real core of all religion, of all yoga, of all methods of search, is meditation. One should put aside everything non-essential. You can use things as stepping stones, but not more than that – just like jumping boards. You need not bother too much about them. Your whole concern should be one-pointed; you should move like an arrow towards meditation. Only then in this small life, with so little time, power and energy available and with so many problems surrounding you, can you hope that the arrow will reach the target. The moment you know something of meditation – not about it, but the very taste of it – a great release comes. a great relief comes. Suddenly all tensions disappear: anxieties, anguishes, are found no more. Even if you want them just for a change, you cannot find them. I have tried and failed! Sometimes I try very hard to find some anxiety but I cannot, it simply does not work. I have tried all possible ways, from this side and that side, but I come to the same end: it does not work. Once you have tasted meditation it is impossible for you to be in any misery. Bliss becomes inevitable, a natural showering, and it goes on showering like flowers showering from the sky. Osho, Nirvana: Now or Never

From loneliness to aloneness Aloneness is the Everest of meditation, the highest sunlit peak. Once you start enjoying aloneness, there is no end to where your joy stops growing. It goes on growing, it goes on spreading; it seems as if the whole universe is full of joy and full of fragrance. Aloneness is the greatest achievement in life, but certainly there is a painful period of transition. Man ordinarily lives in loneliness. To avoid loneliness, he creates all kinds of relationships, friendships, organizations, political parties, religions and what not. But the basic thing is that he is very much afraid of being lonely. Loneliness is a black hole, a darkness, a frightening negative state almost like death ... as if you are being swallowed by death itself. To avoid it, you run out and fall into anybody, just to hold somebody’s hand, to feel that you are not lonely... Nothing hurts more than loneliness. But the trouble is, any relationship that arises out of the fear of being lonely is not going to be a blissful experience, because the other is also joining you out of fear. You both call it love. You are both deceiving yourself and the other. It is simply fear, and fear can never be the source of love. Only those who love are absolutely fearless; only those who love are able to be alone, joyously, whose need for the other has disappeared, who are sufficient unto themselves. The common psychology of man is of loneliness. He does everything to avoid it. But whatever you do, it is always there just like your shadow. You may not look at it, but you know it is there. And once in a while you cannot resist the temptation either: you will look and you will find it always there. You cannot escape from your shadow. In the same way you cannot escape from your loneliness just by creating friendships, relationships, marriages, organizations – religious, political, social. They give you a little relief, but they don’t transform anything. The day you decide that all these efforts are failures, that your loneliness has remained untouched by all your efforts, that is a great moment of understanding. Then only one thing remains: to see whether loneliness is such a thing that you should be afraid of, or if it is just your nature. Then rather than running out and away, you close your eyes and go in. Suddenly the night is over, and a new dawn ... The loneliness transforms into aloneness. Aloneness is your nature. You were born alone, you will die alone. And you are living alone without understanding it, without being fully aware of it. You misunderstand aloneness as loneliness; it is simply a misunderstanding. You are sufficient unto yourself. The transition period is a little painful and difficult because of old habits but it won’t be long. And the way to make it short, bearable, is to enjoy your aloneness more and more. Make it a point that when you are enjoying your aloneness, you are not miserly. Then sing and dance, then paint. Do whatsoever you always wanted to do, but you were so much involved in relationships that there was no time left. Be creative, and the more creative you are, the more rejoicing, the more dancing, the more songful your aloneness becomes... You have to pour your whole energy into the joy of being alone. You have only a certain amount of energy – either you can dance or you can be sad. If you dance half-heartedly, then you are saving energy for sadness. That’s why I insist: live every moment totally and so intensely that no energy is left to be invested in sadness, in misery, in anger; there is simply no energy left. So the whole effort has to be very positive. Feed and nourish your aloneness with all that you have, pour your love, and you will be surprised that those gaps of sadness and grumpiness are not coming any more because you don’t have any energy for them and you are no longer in a welcoming mood for them. And if by chance you find some clouds of sadness coming, just watch. Don’t get identified with them. Remember only one thing: everything passes. So these clouds will also pass. Many times before they have been there and they have passed, so there is no question that this time they are not going to pass away. So why unnecessarily get disturbed? You just let them pass. You remain absolutely unidentified and watchful. If these two things are remembered, your aloneness gets your total energy so that no energy is left for anything else. But if in the beginning you don’t understand what is total, and you are holding something back, then some moments will come. For that, use a watchfulness, unidentified with the moment, as if it has nothing to do with you, as if it is somebody else’s sadness, somebody else’s grumpiness – none of my business. Keep a distance; don’t let them come closer and become one with you. That’s what I mean when I say, don’t identify. Don’t say, ”I am sad,” simply say, ”A cloud of sadness is passing in front of me.” Don’t say, ”I am angry,” simply say, ”A cloud of anger is just at the corner going by.” And it will not leave even a trace on you, it will not even touch you. And once you have become aware that by not identifying you become free of everything, you have a secret key in your hands for freedom from any kind of emotion, any mood, any thought. This will remind you that you have not been putting your total energy into your aloneness, something is left. So next time, when you are again feeling alone and the clouds have gone and the sky is clear, put in more energy. You never know how much you have. You will know only when you put it into action, when you make the potential actual – only then will you know. When the seed comes to blossom, only then will you know what was hiding in that seed. So many flowers – such a small seed – so much green foliage, such a beauty. But you know only when things become actual. Much of your life remains unlived; it never becomes actual. That’s why very few people are able to blossom. They live at the minimum – and I teach you to live at the optimum... Just enjoy everything. When you are alone, laugh. Tell a beautiful joke to yourself, sing. But remember that you have to nourish your aloneness so much that it becomes the most beautiful experience of your life; that no sadness can overtake you; that no past can ever possess you again; that no old habit can get you again into patterns that you know perfectly well are simply misery and suffering. Two things: one, a totality in aloneness. And if in the beginning sometimes you have not been total and a cloud comes, remain unidentified, far away. Slowly, slowly no sadness comes, no suffering comes, no feeling of loneliness comes. And that does not mean that you cannot relate with people. In fact, only a person who lives in a beautiful aloneness is capable of relating, because it is not his need. He is not a beggar, he is not asking you for anything – not even your company. He is a giver. Out of his abundance of joy and peace and silence and bliss he shares. Then love has a totally different aroma to it, then it is a sharing. And if both persons know the beauty of aloneness, then love reaches to its highest point, which has very rarely been possible. Then it touches the very stars of the sky. You cannot even dream of the beauty of it and the benediction of it – because both are overflowing with joy, both are overflowing with laughter, both are ready to give and nobody is asking for anything. Both are ready to give freedom, both are ready to give unconditionally. This love becomes one of the most beautiful meditations -- in which two persons melt and merge and become one. Aloneness does not mean you cannot relate. It simply means you will have to relate in a totally new way, which will not create suffering and misery, which will not create conflict, which will not be an effort – directly or indirectly – to dominate the other, to enslave the other. Because it is not out of fear, it is pure life. Out of fear is only death; out of fearlessness grows everything that is beautiful. ~ OSHO

Surrealist, I think we're the same person lol. I'm the same age, I have very similar "self talk" and attitudes about being the dark silent type. When I was going through school I faced rejection constantly by people I loved and trusted, this was repeated not only in my social life but in my family life as well. I faced verbal abuse, physical abuse, and I was isolated to a windowless basement and left to my own devices. I can't give you much advice seeing as how were kind of on an even playing field, but if you haven't looked into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) I would check it out. It can be very powerful combined with your meditation practice. It's about challenging those negative thoughts and recognizing automatic negative thought patterns like you described at the beginning of your post. The "dark classics" your brain plays can all be named and defined like catastrophizing, denying the positive, fortune telling, all or nothing thinking, etc. You can't fight the monkey mind or reason with it, but you can challenge the truth and validity of those thoughts. You know that "forever alone, not deserving happiness" is exaggerating and catastrophizing, because you can't possibly know it's the truth. I would become a conasuer of truth, and don't believe the dark thoughts, just accept them and then let it go, onto the next thought. It's just a brain, doing what brains do, and brains change every minute of the day. If it can change for the worse, which is the loop your in now, can't it change for the better? Negative thoughts are almost like a bully trying to beat you up, if you confront those thoughts and shine the light of truth you can essentially punch the bully right in the nose. I would imagine your life is objectively okay, it's really an internal struggle right? Use that to validate positivity. I might feel like shit but God damn it my life is objectively okay and I'm okay and I will be okay. And it's okay to feel like shit, sometimes were so focused on the bad, all you feel is shit, sitting back, breathe, let everything go, and for 1 second feel bliss, just try 1 second of relief, and start from there. "In this moment I let it all go, I breathe the air, I feel the sun, I love." My mantra.

I guess you have a different definition of "subtle experiences". You think of them more as "mindful experiences". And from that standpoint I agree with you. I was talking more about things like chasing spiritual highs like bliss which is actually not mindfulness.

@Leo Gura Ok fair enough words can only get us so far and i can't possibly know what you have experienced with my limited time with self development. I find the rabbit hole kind of risky and scary i'm not sure i'm willing to take it that far i have to be honest, having a passion,friends,family,healthy sex life,no money worries decent work and contributing to society seem to me the highest ideal to strife for. And when u are sitting in that cave in total bliss i hope you don't suddenly wake up in panic realizing that was not the thing u were looking for but unable to turn back to society and realizing its too late i have thought about that and that idea scares the hell out of me .

We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone. As a person, who's highest held beliefs are in loyalty and family is faced with this, it is heartbreaking to hear. More than heartbreaking, world shattering. I lose sense of everything I hold dear. You could say it's contradictory but solitude is commonplace for me. I endure it the majority of the time and enjoy it. I understand everyone has their lives to live. However, this solitude that I experience daily is nothing compared to the solitude that makes my heart sink when I know that I will experience death alone without my family and friends. To think that I will one day live in a world where my family and friends have passed away and I will never be with them again is the most incomprehensible, incommunicable experience that is. I constantly see people who are on their journeys of self actualisation as expressing death as the ultimate liberation meaning the end of suffering, unlimited freedom, unlimited choices, and eternal bliss. This brings me no comfort to hear this. Maybe I simply do not truly comprehend this definition. However, I would like to ask: Will the journey to self actualisation, as soul destroying it is to say, allow me to accept the eventuality of being without everyone and everything that I believe makes up my reality. I would love to hear all of your thoughts, opinions and experiences surrounding this 'topic'. In the end, probably to give me peace of mind and feed my ego.

@xeeky4 Look further into that urge. It could be very revealing, if you're really honest. Why do you want it? Is it because it seems like the right path, the only path? Is it because you want to escape your life in this existence? Is it because somebody told you it's the ultimate state of bliss and you can use this to escape your family and depression? Even if this is a legit urge, you should do some deep, deep inner work before thinking about going down the spiritual route, I think going to therapy to sort out your emotional problems and family problems is a good first step. You need to get your garden looking tidy first - by that I mean your basic everyday level of happiness, productivity, self-esteem, etc. Depression is incredibly debilitating from my experience and a person experiencing it shouldn't even consider looking for enlightenment. It may be a message from your psyche that you need to change shit around in your life, it certainly was for me, looking back. Yield to that message and make basic positive changes which seem right to you - hobbies, relationships, diet etc. Over time, along with therapy, this will cleanse you. It's good that you're starting from scratch in this way - you can ditch a lot of the junk in your life without the old ties to it. Keep your meditation habit, this will help you to build up mindfulness over your depressive emotions and thoughts and could also act as a soother, a salve for you depending on the technique. I would ditch the contemplation for now, that's probably not going to help you. Most of all, remember that anyone's advice on here is just one person's opinion on your life, a complete stranger giving you advice based on very little information. Follow your inner drives first and foremost. There is a drive in you that will pull you out of all this, if you allow it.

This journal is about furthering my awareness from today moving forward. The journey of my experience, observations, moments of clarity etc. I will be doing one thing from now on. I have in the past not been consistent with meditation for personal reasons. I will change this. I will do my best to meditate at least 20 minutes a day, and throughout the day I will maintain constant awareness through walking meditation techniques I learned from a Buddhist monk. I will convert the technique to every day living and will play a fun game to see how long I can keep my awareness. Day 1 observations 7-8-17 440pm est -I noticed when aware when something goes wrong I feel great joy, excitement, like butterfly's in my stomach. A challenge has arrived the game begins, as I struggled to keep awareness I felt such bliss like being tickled as a child or like the excitement of a rollercoaster ride. -when aware I observe that I simply cannot be anything but genuine as to be selfish or fearful requires ego to move to past or future. When not allowed this genuine is all that is left. For example. My boyfriend is in school and working very hard. He had a moment of weakness and gave up. Normally this would frustrate me because I would fear the outcome of his choice. His grade, how much longer school will take for him etc.... Instead with no ego... I just felt sad for him, his exhaustion, his battle with school. I felt sad for him. He defensively asked me what I was thinking and I told him of my sadness for his situation. He became equally genuine and something good happened. He felt understood even though I couldn't possibly understand. -I lost awareness while installing a ceiling fan. Physical work always seems to be a vulnerable point for my awareness. My ego has much less to overcome to gain control during tasks like this. I am still searching for a solution to losing awareness during complex tasks. I am starting to think that strengthening my focus is the best answer. Ego gained control by convincing me that no appreciation will be given for hard work done. Physical exhaustion and small problems made this easier for ego. The thing that made ego most influential was when ego judged my boyfriend for sitting back and throwing many problems with the situation and contributing no help. Ego put my boyfriend down for him lacking perseverance and creativity and convinced me he holds back my spirituality with the way things like this trigger me. I know there is a lesson in this, I am still trying to figure out what it means to me. I will learn the lesson I always do after this I stopped my awareness yesterday because it was so exhausting. I just started it again today.... I feel like a cat that's been in one too many fights haha I hope this gets easier soon lol for now I notice I am keeping awareness from 5-15 minutes about. One thing I noticed about this constant awareness is I became automated. Doing things that I have been meaning to do. I assume it is because the awareness took the emotional baggage out of the situation. Every time I put something off its like a bit of guilt is attached and ego used this to gain access yet again.

Love is the driver that drives the world. Love makes the world go round. But love is not to be taken lightly. Because love is the only force that unites the world. When we're on our spiritual path, we realize that we have lower needs conditioned by society that we keep struggling to fulfill in a hamster on a wheel lifestyle. But as we grow, we begin to have higher needs based on unconditional love and compassion. Only that brings true peace and bliss !