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About onacloudynight

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  1. Bottom one makes sense. I wonder what score you have to get in order to be a psychopath?
  2. What decides where you go to next? If there is a next. My body is getting very sick, not sure how much longer it will last. I'm looking forward to being in a more conscious place hopefully. I'm just not sure what will happen. I guess one of my concerns is actually going somewhere a lot worse than earth. How am I supposed to know what happens? What can I do to improve my odds of going somewhere better.
  3. I've noticed the quality of consciousness on this forum seems to be decreasing. I remember a few years ago it seemed to be more focused on raising your consciousness and there wasn't a lot of influence from the outside. It seems now that there is more freedom for people to be themselves, at whatever level they're at. This causes the forum to be mixed with other ideologies and belief patterns that didn't originate from here. I don't know lol. It just seems like a free for all ? Over-saturation, more ego, yay ?
  4. Hit me up
  5. How do you define masculine and feminine?
  6. Haha thanks for the advice.
  7. @flowboy It's not that I dislike masculinity. It's just that something doesn't "feel" right. I feel like my authentic self is more girly and playful. I like to have fun and such and be VERY expressive lol. I feel like masculine energy is too serious and doesn't allow as much freedom for emotional expression, which is what I want. Part of me thinks sex with two feminine energies would be very fun ? Yeah, one of us would probably be more dominant than the other on some occasions, but I think overall a feminine relationship could work. I will have to try it out.
  8. Alright here's the thing I have realized through a lot of tinder and going out that I don't want to be masculine, like at all. I want to be a girl. Everytime I imagine myself in a ideal relationship. It is just two girls together having fun and being happy. Kinda like this picture: How can I actualize this? Time and time again whenever I act in a feminine way towards a girl, I usually get a repulsed look from her and they interpret it as I am gay. There is the occasional girl that likes my feminine energy, but it's rare. Maybe it's where I live. I just don't know where I can go to meet these kinds of women?
  9. I am wanting to build a strong masculine vibe. The type of vibe that penetrates onto reality and pushes others energies aside. I am wondering if there is a zen school in America that has this type of hardcore focused approached.
  10. @Keyhole I'll try it out thanks
  11. I've already painted my nails. I enjoyed that ? I'll give dressing up a try. I get what you mean about not feeling human! I feel the same way. I feel like an alien and outsider, but it's probably because we are living a lot differently than most people in our society. I am not sure about the dysphoria thing? I dont necessarily hate my male body, but I do think having breasts and having wider hips would make feel more sexy and good about myself.
  12. I agree. I think I have a lot of male conditioning still going on haha. I guess to be fair the only way I can explore those things is to actually be female, if I want to experience it in the 1st person at least.
  13. Yes, I am planning on doing that.
  14. So for awhile now I've been having these gut feelings about something being off when I am talking with people. I noticed that every time I express myself in a more emotional and soft way that it doesn't get perceived well by the other person. Almost like I am limited in my emotional expression, like I am expected to be more reserved with my emotions because people see me as a guy.. I am wondering if other people see me as a girl, if my own authenticity will get accepted better by other people around me. I am also noticing my mind to be drawn more to feminine things like wanting to paint my nails, tone up my butt, being more interested in bonding with others and being their support and just acting more feminine in general. I know you can do all these things without changing your hormones around, but I almost kind of want to be a girl. I think it would be fun, I'm just concerned that if I didn't pass, it wouldn't work well. I dont know. Another thing that recently happened to me was on my meditation retreat, I kept having all these fantasies of me getting fucked in the ass and just surrendering to it and it felt really good to imagine those things like my heart was opening up. It felt like my heart chakra was opening up as I was gaining more clarity and acceptance around those things.