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I have concluded that I let my emotions control my actions. This is not good. Why I was considering suicide even though I decided against it already. The past few years have been really bad for me. Living in an abusive environment plus been unable to bond with other people. Parents divorced. Friendships starting and ending. Legal crap too. Unable to get a job as well. Best pet I'm ever going to have died.

I believe someone in the comments said it best: She opened with I heard your wondering the streets looking for a girlfriend/date after he's lost his girlfriend to suicide and instead of getting angry he remained calm and kept it real. Jim knows what's up and i know exactly what his doing and been doing, planting seeds

Hello, person who is reading this! As you may have already noticed, the title of this journal is named after Bo Burnham’s comedy special “Make Happy”. I watched it for the first time a few weeks ago and was oddly inspired by it. I really want to try to get happy, and that is primarily what my journey to self-actualization has been about. I started getting serious with self-help after a severe panic attack in February. For me, it was a personal record of hitting rock bottom. Since then, I have been spending more and more time seeking truth, learning about/trying to challenge my ego, and trying to love/forgive myself. Since childhood, I have been battling clinical, chronic depression. I often feel hopeless, lonely, and struggle with thoughts of suicide. I also have some social anxiety and issues with perfectionism. I have a long way to go. Still, I think I have been making (very) slow but steady progress with my inner work. I’m here for the same reasons as probably most of the others on this forum. Self-help and enlightenment are hard topics to seriously talk about with the people in my life. Many of the ideas that go along with these topics aren’t yet understood or even acceptable in the mainstream. Though I realize this life is mine alone to fight for, it is nice to have a support network and some guidance along the way. Maybe I’ll even be able to help others. This will be an all-purpose journal, but I will primarily try to post entries on the self-improvement and awareness exercises I’m doing. In documenting my ups and downs, I will be as brutally honest as possible. I, like most others, usually filter out the bad parts of my life online by omitting certain information. However, I will try to include the good, bad, ugly, tragic, and comedic in my own writing here as I try to “make happy” for myself. So, here we go. – zenjen

@CuteCornDog You know, you really should have a far more positive attitude. Funerals are actually very good socially stimulating gatherings! Hopefully you can see that you can be suicidal but still want a funeral. -------------------------- Okay okay, jokes aside. Suicide is a very serious issue. . . yadda yadda yadda. . . .should be an issue taken with careful understanding and genuine compassion . . . blalalala whatever who cares? -------------------------- Okay Okay, jokes really aside, now. Seems to me that what you really need is deep self-reflection. Really deep self-reflection. Ask yourself why exactly are you having the emotions and thoughts that you're having. Do you actually know why you're suffering? I mean REALLY know why you're suffering? Really, Actually, Literally, Existentially. Don't start with asking yourself how you can stop the suffering. Really all that will do is target the symptoms and not the root. It also helps to know that everyone suffers. I'm even willing to bet that I've had more suffering in my life than you've had but that's something I can't really know for sure. The only real difference is how we each deal with it. The question is: How effective are your ways of dealing with suffering? For example, I see suffering as completely unreal and always ego-based. I find that that helps me deal with suffering in such a powerful way. In summary, try to find the root of your suffering and try to think of ways you can improve your relationship with suffering. Also, eat fruit 'cause they're healthy and delicious Yum yum.

@Outer I am already doing aerobic exercises: HIIT for 20 min approximately each 2 or 3 per week. And besides, it is not physical exercises that can improve my mood or IQ or solve my problems. I am already doing plenty of it and nothing changes. I don't think that you know who screwed up people can be: doing the same shit everyday, without realizing that you hurt everybody around you, that you have made bad choices in life and that you are paying the price every day for it, that you destroy yourself enough to be unable to get up in your head, that society, your parents and family is doing massive mind pollution unconsciously and you can't do anything about it. That you can't escape your situation. That my "middle age crisis", like Leo said in his recent video, I had it already when I was 8, then 17 and 20 and now 27 AND NOTHING CHANGED ABOUT IT!! All those fucking "spiritual growth" are fucking bullshit that a few try to persuade others so that we can make money and so they unconsciously push those group to behave like zombies so that this fucking society don't collapse. There are people who are made and have the capabilities to live. Me...no. So what, after my crisis at 27, I will have another at what...30 or 35 and it will be so strong that I will have enough courage to suicide? I will not wait that time. I have always been a coward and this is not going to change soon. I should have died when I was 17, I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17,I should have died when I was 17. This brain will never let me, never. And I will never going to be detached from judgement of people. This is my fatality. You should resign to help me, I am helpless. THe only thing that this reality can offer me is death. Soon I will be strong enough to kill myself. My parents have no idea how closed I am from death. Fear, doubt, regret, guild and death were the only emotions in my head since my childhood. I know now that it will be like this forever.

Life has decided to KO me these days. I find myself more and more intrigued by this... The thoughts in my head are looping the cathartic events that happened to *me* recently, looping Mooji, Eckhart, Rupert wisdoms that help me investigate what is happening/drop/let go of past&future and mainly, looping reminders of my *belief supported by own investigation* that there is no free will - therefore it's illogical to beat myself up for my own mistakes (?) and I should just accept what is happening fully (but then I go into why am I not accepting of suffering, so I give myself room to burst with anger, tears, etc... The thing is, sure I do the inner investigation, but this doesn't stop this story thought is weaving from being so real and true. It is so real that I am the one in the middle of what is happening, like me, some creature that is in so much pain right now because shit is falling left and right. I do feel good when I drop the thoughts and the loop ends, but my immediate circumstances remind me very quickly and the pain continues. It's not like when you forget you are without legs for example (just an example) that you magically grow legs or are ok with not being able to walk. Today, while I was having suicidal thoughts, the following peculiar thoughts while I was lying on the grass in the park: "The not me wants to commit suicide", "The not me is in pain and wants to die because he's not made for this world", "Why is the not me even alive as this if I am not supposed to be this??" Thankfully I have one good friend, a mother and a sister, without whom nothing would really be stopping me, death looks very promising tbh, but I can't inflict such pain on those who are close So how does Ego drop Ego really? It's impossible right? How does a ball drop itself... Am I the Ego or am I awareness? If I am awareness big whoop right? Everyone is addressing me as the Body, I feel the body's every pain, I feel the story's pain. I feel so much different than everyone else. I get angry at people who say they want to be different than the rest, because for me I would be so happy to just blend in and not stand out as the "weird guy" with a name nobody outside my own country can pronounce or get from the first try... I don't know really where im going with this post, mostly wanted to get it out, not that anyone will read this, I know I am a joke anyway in most people's eyes, just a mental masturbator. I need the 30-day no mental fap challenge..

I will soon begin my 8th years at college, in the same cycle...again. I just missed the train of success years ago. I know that many great discoveries and mathematical progress was made by young geniuses. They all finished their PHD or began to make a significant discovery under 23 or 25. And they were all good at school and at mathematics. Maybe not in auxiliary courses like language or history or others but all were significantly smart at a young age. Me, well I have failed my high-school, my college and wasted so much time, years at doing nothing but working for mindless jobs. At 27 years old, it is impossible to catch up all the mathematical knowledge of those gods. Plus, I am interested in a subject (tetrality) that is of the level of those geniuses. Needless to say that I can't do it. Even with 50 years I will never be able to crack that problem. I am too slow and lack a critical amount of abstraction. There are those who are born to do great things in the domain that they love, I don't belong to that group. I will endlessly do what I don't enjoy to do because I suck in what I want and love to do. That has always be my life, and because I understand more and more this universe and its laws, I will ever be my life. Nobody who has failed so many years at college and at high school has made great discoveries in science, this is well known and the person who is telling me the contrary is unadvised. Next week, I will begin college. Will I fail again? Will I be able to have the courage to suicide, finally? Will I be able to surpass my emotional barriers, to push my limits, to transcend my current condition? I am very sick to be obligated to make superhuman effort just to pass my exams and college. This is the sign that my life will never be in my control. I have too much fear, i can't feel it...I am watching porn, watching 9gag and binge on junk food. This has always been my life. And nothing will change. @NatashaYes, I am listening Ecktard Tolle youtube channel. It is very interesting and profound but many of his teachings have the same material than Leo Gura. But it is a complement and he speaks simply about the practice of mindfulness.

I think pro-social behavior and attitudes (kindness, compassion, generosity and gratitude), just like wisdom, mindfulness and concentration, are not only the results of awakening, but also skills to be consciously cultivated as part of the journey. These skills will not be perfected until awakening, but still needs to be cultivated to a certain point for awakening to be plausible. It's true the Buddha himself didn't practice compassion as part of his journey to enlightenment. He practiced samatha/jhanas , yoga and asceticism, which were the main spiritual practices in India at his time. There are, however, good reasons why he didn't advice his students to copy this path. These common practices often resulted in profound mystical experiences, but not to any significant, permanent changes. The Buddha reached awakening by coincident/luck, combined with having an unusual talent for meditation (supposedly, he mastered each Jhana faster than any of his peers and surpassed all the Jhana masters he studied under in short time) According to the Sutras: The Buddha considered pro-social behavior and attitudes as a foundation of the most reliable path to awakening. In his later, mature teachings, after decades of teaching/mentoring experience, and after gaining a solid understanding of how different practices worked for the thousands of students he had guided, he kept increasing the focus put on compassion. He even declared compassion as one of the two "wings of the dharma", alongside wisdom. His answer to examples like the "compassion" of George Bush is: the two wings of wisdom and compassion have to be balanced. If one wing is overdeveloped compared to the other, the "Bird of Dharma" will not fly. Pro-social attitudes constitute three of the four Brahma Viharas. When aspiring practitioners ask the Buddha which practice they should start with his typical answer was the practice of generosity. As one progress towards stream entry, one has to pass through the dukkha nanas. Practitioners following mechanical/technique-focused paths, downplaying the importance of compassion, often have to suffer through prolonged, painful dukkha nanas. Many give up the path at this stage. Some even commit suicide because they can't handle it. On the other hand, practitioners from the Tibetan schools, which heavily focuses on compassion, rarely report problems with dukha nanas. One typical explanation given for why these practices are so central is that without them "spiritual" practices tends to be subtly ego-based and ego-reinforcing. The practice becomes a tool for serving the interests of the Self: A pursuit for my Self's enlightenment/equanimity/mystical experiences, so that my Self will be enhanced. Focusing on other people tend to have the opposite effect: It reinforces feelings of interconnection and weakens the sense of a seperate Self. Next time you act with compassion or freely give away something, try to be mindful of how it feels. You will most likely notice a mild, warm feeling of connectedness, and a subtle temporary weakening of the sense of Self.

Hello everybody, I'll try to keep it short, I already started topics of this, and started gaining distance from my parents but something occurred. My parents got attacked by their dog which sent them to the hoapital in bad conditions, right now my mother has her arms messed up and her husband is much worse, he is in a coma and lost one arm, I don't know if he will survive, right now Im taking care of everything because they are too messed up. The dog trainer blamed them for what happened so I'm trying to save the dog and he will start rehabilitation soon. I'm afraid if I just disappear from their life my mom will comit suicide, should I keep going through this thing or should i just dissappear because it's been years of trying without any succes?

dude I'm the same way. I haven't let myself suffer in so long because of the newfound hope i've gotten from self development. but I suffer once every two months. and this suffering feels GOOD. SO GOOD. I remember back in my super high suicide days a year ago, I would intentionally hate on myself and pity myself and just keep doing it and it felt good to do that. I could see myself hating on myself yet I would still do it.... If I have a small problem I would be like FUCK IT I WANT TO DIE. and that feeling of self-pity and victimhood would feel good. It's like I preferred to suffer over being happy. Christ... I too would like to thank Leo for saving my life though. Without him and another youtuber, I don't know if I would be alive.

Huge belly laugh! ...I knew that!! 2 yrs to realize my true nature. ...naturally. No, I didn't spend all day in meditation. I had tried suicide prior, do to extreme suffering...the OD wasn't strong enough, after 5 days in a coma and on life support... I survived. To my suprise. So, I was highly motivated for a change!

I'm honestly having a VERY similar struggle to this. In the life purpose course exercises, all I keep coming back to is the fact that I want to leave a legacy and impact through my creative endeavors as an athlete. Not in an egotistical way. I want to make my sport and the way I race not about beating people, but into art form that inspires people. I feel stuck because I'm like 'I don't have the genetics to be that kinda athlete.' Yes I know that's a common excuse people use sometimes but I think when we're talking about athletics (especially for me as a runner) it's a very valid one. Not to mention I keep thinking 'this feels just way too self centered because I feel like SHOULD be impacting people more directly, e.g. Coaching and what not. However, it just doesn't hit home at all. I truly want my pursuits as an athlete to be my legacy that touches people and inspires people to get out the door and get the best out of themselves because for me, running and sports is spiritual if you take it serious enough. I just love the life of being so committed to my sport. I love waking up super early like at 5am, doing meditation, having my tea, visualizing my athletic pursuits, making breakfast before the sun rises, stretching then driving out to where I'm gonna run and do my session. I get lost in the stretching, the warm-up, etc. I just connect with the life of a 100000% committed athlete who just has the desire to do it till the grave and also be self coached because I want people to be inspired to lead their own lives and learn how to be self driven. Again though, sports is different because a lot of it just comes down to if you have the genetic makeup to even reach such a level. Im doing all the visualizations, exercises, everything but I keep "should'ing" myself to be more realistic and what not. However, I love my sport so fucking much that it's always been my way out of low moments such as suicide even. My running brings the most meaning because I feel like it's a perfect metaphor for life. @Leo Gura what are your thoughts? I think this is a matter a lot of athletes struggle with and abandon their athletic passion not cause of superficial/egotistical ways, but because they don't know what to do with such a pursuit/passion.

So usually I'm the one asking for advice but this time I think I have a valuable message to you guys out with this similar issue. I hope this helps Last night I truly felt like I was going to commit suicide. I beat myself by punching myself in the head, screaming in my car, crying, banging my head, etc. Right when all of this started though I just had this intuitive realization that just hit me - I truly want to suffer. How I'm subconsciously addicted to hating myself inside and also addicted to not let things in my past go because I simply shouldn't allow myself to let go of pain and emotional scars. I received a message from my ex (I won't go into the details of our history as that isn't relevant in the message I'm sharing nor do I need to bore you with such details) who was my first love who left me. I had asked her for some advice. I knew I still hadn't gotten over the disappointment from the breakup (which ended in May of 2016). I was still very hurt. It wasn't so much about her as it was the pain of the whole breakup. However, when she messaged me and the moment I heard the Facebook notification, I felt a shiver down my spine. I saw her message of advice. However, what triggered everything was realizing that by her giving me thoughtful advice I just got a great giant picture of how much better off she is if I'm asking her for help after she left me and I'm still hurt. It also didn't help that her profile picture is of her romantically kissing her current boyfriend who she's been with longer than she was with me (choking up a little saying that). Right after that and I felt overcome with emotion, I immediately realized 'holy fuck. I really don't want to let go of all my pain. Not just from this, but with all my trauma I've ever experienced in my life.' Although I had this breakthrough I still went down a very dark path last night. Images flashing of all my traumas. Now here's the obvious question: how did I get through this? My answer: Running. Running is my life. So what did I do? I kept crying but I went out into the pitch black, put on my running shoes, and I ran. I ran up the first trail I ever ran on. It was only 20 minutes but those 20 minutes showed me all I needed to see to breakthrough. After I finished, I let out a war cry in the dark that I'm not going anywhere. Now, I'm more determined than ever before to go out and go all out in what I want out of my life. So what's my message?... you can get through your darkest hour. Live and embody and do the thing you love more than anything in life. This addiction on my part will be overcome. @Leo Gura thank you for your video on subtle addictions. If I hadn't watched it earlier in the day yesterday, I wouldn't be here.

@texter 'she shouldn't commit suicide, is that true?' 'It's in her best interests to not commit suicide, can I really know that?' Contemplate these questions. They will change the way you feel about this situation. Note: I'm not saying that it's in her best interests to commit suicide, but if you contemplate these questions, you will get some amazing insights.

Reincarnation has been the closest to a belief that I hold about our existence here on Earth, when I was a child I always thought about it. Not as much now, but today, I've come across Dolores Cannon and her work. She was a hypnotherapist and in her sessions she just couldn't ignore all the patients talking about past lives and she compiled all the info, wrote lots of books. In one of her books she proposed the idea of volunteer souls. After Hiroshima, these souls (free of karma) volunteered to come to Earth for the first time in three waves. The first wave is the baby boom generation, born after the war. They were kind of lost here, so although they have jobs and raise a family, they feel they don't belong. They get depression and sometimes commit suicide. The second wave, born somewhere in the 80s (she says it's difficult to draw a line) were a bit luckier. Their job is to only be, and raise the energy and frequency. She says these people heighten the spirits when they go into a place by just being in there, but they feel so uncomfortable that they prefer to stay at home, work from home etc. if they find a similar soul they get married, but probably won't have children. The third one is the children of today, mostly geniuses although some are misunderstood and diagnosed with ADHD etc. She said these children have different and better DNAs, and are probably the saviour of the Earth. Now I hope you will keep an open mind and tell me what you think. When I listened to her I thought about Leo being in the second wave, and also myself. Especially because as much as I hate to be in a room full of people, I am always told I raise people's spirits. I'm also sceptical of course. Want to hear your ideas about this. Anyone having a similar experience? A small talk by Cannon, longer ones can also be found on YouTube:

Hello, thank you for reading this. I would appreciate any opinions on my situation, especially from anyone who may have experience with this sort of thing. I have a close friend, who we will call A, who has severe mental health issues. As context, I have been a fairly rigorous follower of personal development and enlightenment work for several years. I met her 2 years ago and we were attracted to each other. We became sexually intimate and very close, and she slowly started revealing more of herself to me, including her self harm, depression and history of suicidal thoughts and attempts. In the early stages of our relationship, I considered leaving her as I could foresee that a relationship with someone like this could get me into trouble. I did not leave her, however. Our relationship became intense, as my presence seemed to become the only thing in the world which could alleviate her mental pains. I saved her from multiple suicide attempts, acting as a 24/7 guardian at some points. This has taken its toll on me personally. Generally I am an extremely happy and content person, with the one exception of when I believe her to be upset and in danger of harming or killing herself. Which is often. When I realise she might be in danger, or even consider its possibility, I become very distressed. A while ago I had the awful job of telling her that I did not want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Somehow she survived the ordeal, and has a new partner now. She still contacts me now and again, telling me how suicidal she feels. It is an awful position for me to be in. I never know what to do, and it distresses me awfully. Obviously I care for her so much. It was just too much for me to be her suicide carer. Far too much. If she were mentally healthy I would love to spend much more time with her. How do I help her? How do I help myself? What do I do? I have a massive fear is of her successfully committing suicide. I know that if I were with her, she almost certainly would not ever be successful in doing so. But I don't want to be the person who she learns to rely upon. I would be very grateful if anybody could give me their perspectives on this and how I should approach the situation, or indeed on their own personal experience on similar situations. By the way, to my knowledge she has regular therapy sessions, so there's not much I can do by way of encouraging her to get therapy.

Don't worry, most of us who have an impasse/deadlock are not yet motivated enough to be willing to go to any lengths. Many in this situation have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Some even have to truly get mangled egotistically before surrendering it. And there are the unfortunate few how get so deluded by this that they end up thinking they are a mistake and rather die (suicide) than live another day with the impasse. However, there is a shortcut. Take a risk! Do the opposite. Feel lazy? well take a risk and go for a quick walk around the block. Can't set a goal? Take a risk and break your goal into smaller digestible/achievable pieces (one nail at a time so to speak). Negative self-talk? Take a risk and talk aloud your positives. Getting angry? Take a risk and calm down, be soft and gentle.

@Outer I am not intelligent (the proof of that is that I failed college multiple times) so it does not apply to me. Besides, if that person was very intelligent then they wouldn't be homeless and a total failure. And suicide is a good option because that man has made probably a lot of suffering to his family or friends (because of his behavior) so suicide is good way to end this pathetic life and preserve the one you love.

I consider emperor Nero a zen-devil, too. He and Marcus Aurelius shared the same teacher, Seneca. The latter two are to be considered two of the main figures in stoic philosophy. I am not sure if they practiced some form of non-dual inquiry, but guessing from the way, they lived their lifes, I think, that they were somewhat spiritually realized. At least regarding the detachment aspect of enlightenment. But all three of them lived out their stoa in a different way. Seneca was more the yogi kind of guy and others wanted to learn philosophy from him, Marcus Aurelius went full on life purpose, becoming a great conscientious but at the same time extremely modest emperor after Neros death, and Nero himself just went all nuts, burned Rome several times and ordered Seneca to commit suicide.

Hey guys I know that "This thread is quite old. Please consider starting a new thread rather than reviving this one." But just wanted to let you know that I am currently doing Leo's life purpose course and am upto #54 and am far from depression and suicide as of right now and have a clearer vision for my life now Thank you for those who commented and spent the time to write what they wrote. Sorry it took this long to get back to you. I hope you guys are doing just as well as you were then.

Now, shrooms can be highly effective in your situation. But I am not a doctor and I don't now who you are and how much you can stand. If I just were to say: "Yeah, go ahead, shoot your brain out with shrooms" and you do that and commit suicide because all of the repressed emotions are coming up, I cannot stay by that statement. (Btw, that's possible. You can lose total control if the dose is high enough and if you then get into a wrong stream of thoughts, you might kill yourself. That's not just a saying.) For someone who is emotionally at a normal base level (normal non-integrated egoic consciousness), I think it's quite safe if you do the research and start slow to try psychedelics. Of course there are always exceptions. But if you have serious emotional problems, you better talk to a doctor about that or do it with a doctor. I had serious emotional problems (due to shadow work / spiritual purification) and I did psychedelics either way, but that's because I researched them myself intensely, started slow, and I know who I am and how much I can take. But I can't make that call for you. So, go research. And if you do, start slow.

Suicide is my destiny now. I know now that there is no going back. My life will soon be terminated because of my inability to overcome myself and because I am not genetically coded for living. I never was. Some people will succeed and will do wonderful discoveries because there are gifted, because there are genetically coded to be successful. It's been a week since I stopped to meditate, I stopped eating healthy, I stopped to do math and science. I am now in a shitty job an organic grocery market. All day long, I transport fruits and vegetable to the shelf. Could I had a better job, a job in science, in research? NO because I am a 27 years old fucking retarded. I binge on porn and on junk media, on junk films, on masturbation because that's my destiny, because I can't resist the temptation! Because my brain is finished, his dopamine receptors will not be restored fully, I will never be able to be a researcher in maths. That's the cruel and clear reality. Now I am accepting it, I'm am accepting my mediocrity and know that this is all what life will be for me. I accept my destruction, I cannot fight any more, I cannot be better than this, it is impossible. Nearly 5 years of self-actualization for nothing... I was meant to be a failure. Now suicide is the only option, my absolute truth, my sweet and lovely destiny!! Dying like the junk I am. Self-help is useless, only gifted people or correct brain like Leo Gura and others can succeed. It was there destiny. Just like an organism that die prematurely because of a disease or because of an accident or malformation, I must be eliminated from the surface of the earth. Only the more intelligent, the more adaptable survive. I am not like that. I am tired and can't evolve.

@ajasatya then if someone who is Enlightened is so sure that the Ultimate Truth is pure Nothingness and knowing it is so relieving and beautiful why does not he suicide and end the physical body and ego completely?

@kieranperez It is very difficult to find a man who has not thought at least four times in his life of committing suicide. Why do people think of suicide? – for the simple reason that life is ugly and they don’t know how to beautify it, how to make a song out of it. It is just sadness, a long long anguish, a nightmare. When you are thinking of suicide, that simply says you are thinking that this life that you have lived up to now is not worth living. But there are possibilities in it which you have not tried yet. I say to you: This life can become a great joy. You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously. There is a life to live which is of adventure and not of social conformity. There is a life of meditation, of God, of search, of going within. You may have lived an outside life, chasing this and chasing that. I make available to you another life of not chasing anything, but sitting silently, disappearing within your being. A life of interiority. And you will be surprised - the whole idea of suicide will disappear like dewdrops in the morning sun, and you will stumble upon a life which is eternal. Osho ~ Dhammapada Volume 8

Leo, 1. Any plans to discuss suicide as a topic? 2. Where do you see actualized.org in 10 years?