Fuse

@Wormon Blatburm I've thought about telling my parents about my situation, I feel like I can't do this alone. You guys on here are the only people on the planet who know about my terrible addiction, my obsessive mind, my current shitty life... I can't help but feel alone in all of this, just a terrified teenager alone in his bedroom trying to combat a ridiculously strong addiction and a crazy suicidal mind with nobody to talk to face to face. Do you think sitting down with my parents to explain my situation would be a good idea? I don't know how much more I can take until I finally decide to do something horrible like step in front of a car. Maybe this could be the thing I haven't tried yet?

@Wormon Blatburm I like listening to you guys though. My worldview is terrible, it must be to have even gotten me into this awful situation. As for the vision thing, I can't really tell which it is. In a way, whatever is left of my vision does overpower the negative thoughts to an extent that I actually get out of bed, accept that I have a huge problem, ask for help, go to college, have passions. But it is like a war between the vision I have, which wants me to accomplish stuff and my thoughts/negative emotions. I described this earlier as a feeling of having an 'evil monster' inside of me that pulls me back and stops me from being happy.

@Wormon Blatburm I used to have awesome visions of where I wanted to end up in life, but they fade away quickly as soon as my mind floods with my obsessive thoughts alongside a doom and gloom attitude. I force myself every day not to do what you were describing as lying in bed wallowing in self pity and hopelessness. To be honest, I don't know why I do this. It's probably because I think it will be too painful to just lie there without any distractions and feeling trapped in my head. I get odd feelings of hope throughout my day, but they never last.

@ajasatya True... That definitely is what it looks like. Why the hell would I be addicted to suffering though? I want to do anything but suffer! That confuses me a lot. I think guilt, shame and regret are a huge reason for my assuming the worst. As in, if I'm not assuming the worst here and feeling terrible shame, I must be a bad person. That's sort of the process I have running in my mind.

@ajasatya I will stick with 30 minutes for now then. I am wondering... Why do I believe my thoughts always? Always believing everything I think up no matter how ridiculous or far fetched it is. This more than likely shows why I always assume the worst in all of my thoughts.

@ajasatya I'd just like to add, the 'no hope' thoughts and stories only really become a major concern for me as I slowly progressed through my addiction, now becoming unbearable as of today. I'd say that I've been an addict for at least 5-6 years, which is shocking considering my age. I used to be full of hope, making awesome plans for my future and getting motivated to improve myself and live my greatest passion. I constantly remind myself that I have 'failed' life after letting my addiction get so out of hand and made so many awful mistakes. With what we're talking about, I can definitely see myself gaining awareness over my thoughts and negative behaviours, but it is very difficult for me to imagine not actually believing my thoughts and leading an amazing life at this point. I know the thoughts are there, and I feel the emotions they bring. I just feel as though the damage has been done and my future is bleak after all I've done. It's definitely the worst place I've been, mentally. After everything that's ever happened to me, I've always had certainty that it would pass and I would recover... But this time, I feel only the odd glitter of hope as I live through my gloomy thoughts. Also, I currently meditate for 30 minutes every day in one sitting. Would you recommend changing this pattern to something like two sits of 15 minutes per day instead?

@ajasatya My bad relationship with solitude is partly because of my addiction, right? Because I can't honestly feel happy right now without some extreme stimulation or other distractions. I did a sit for two hours a few weeks ago, it felt weird. I wasn't very agitated, but I was definitely unhappy and lost in my head the entire time. I guess you could say I felt like I wasn't actually present, just trapped in my mind thinking up craziness as usual. I was also very relieved when it was over, so that I could go back to distracting myself again. I definitely focus a lot on approval (Something I am working to fix) but that is only one aspect of the situation. It's like any type of action I take results in terrible thoughts and negative emotions. Trying to get out of my head and accept solitude, exercising etc. It honestly feels like there's a monster inside of me telling me to give up completely and forget trying to improve myself and pursue happiness. I think the biggest factor in this is my mind telling me that there's no hope for me anymore, since that alone prevents all kinds of action. It is the worst mindset possible.

@vizual I have led a life without much exercise besides basic stuff like walking. Even walking is something I have neglected for my whole life, choosing instead to be indoors constantly like a scared loser. I recently did some long walks as suggested on here to help become aware of my thoughts and emotions. It was a weird experience for me, acknowledging myself completely. It made me feel scared, angry and lonely. I am trying to start with VERY small exercise steps such as 5 pushups. Even something as mediocre as that made me feel drained and caused bad aching. Little steps for action like that can make me feel disheartened when I get a barrage of thoughts telling me there's no point.

@ajasatya So, reality in the present moment is where it's at. What about my relationships with other people? My problem impacts not just myself but others too. My family seems so distant from me while I'm trapped in what seems to be a dark void with nobody else around me. The friends I used to have think I'm a weird loser. Everyone I come across talks to me like I am some kind of abnormal freak. Since I am a serious addict, I can't help but feel that women would never want to be in a relationship with a disgusting pervert (How I feel) no matter how improved I seem. These things only back up my thoughts even more, making me believe that they are the truth and nothing else is a possibility. A large part of my obsession is me believing that I could never be a normal human being that I want to be. My experiences seem to prove this every single day. It feeds into my thoughts, then more negative events occur... Like an endless cycle of torture.

@ajasatya So, you're basically saying I need to go through my life running off my emotions instead of my thoughts? My thoughts terrify me, make me feel horrible and quickly evoke some kind of negative emotion inside of me. It seems a lot to deal with for the rest of my life when thoughts such as 'Fuck it, I'm obviously screwed' or 'Just give up now, there's no point after all you've done' arise every 5 minutes. It is very taxing on my energy levels and the way I operate throughout life in general. I can see recognize these awful thoughts, feel the emotions they bring. But what if the thoughts are true and they're right?

@ajasatya What exactly are those feelings which are begging for me to feel? Anger? Sadness? Loneliness? Regret? From what you're saying, it seems like enlightenment would be the only way out of this nightmare. As for comparing myself to others, a lot of the time I feel myself looking at someone and being like: "Damn, I wish I was that guy, or this guy over here. Or anyone right now who isn't me!" It feels as though overall I am completely ashamed to be me, hence my obsession with other people. I could assume that everyone is experiencing the same suffering as me, but that wouldn't really be true... At least not with the people I come across who seem to be have it all, the perfect life. A life I wish I had.

@ajasatya My mind is working like that, I am totally ashamed to be an addicted loser. I do agree that highest hero's are those who are willing to explore their misery, that's a nice way to put it. To tell the truth, I'm pretty scared to do more of what @jjer94 suggested. It made me feel very anxious, hopeless and terrified. Would doing this just be a way of me coming to terms with my suffering and accepting it forever? That alone makes me feel petrified. I couldn't stand feeling like the way I do right now for years in the future, unless doing this would simply be a way for me to 'numb' out my suffering until I don't feel it?

@Echoes Very interesting video, thanks for showing me that. I see what he's talking about, realizing that the past doesn't exist and neither does the future. Not sure how this impacts hopelessness though, since that in itself exists in the present.

@Preetom I've been trying for a long time to break free from my addiction, but an equally comparable demon I have is my mind. Obsessing over anything at all (Mainly addiction related stuff) at ridiculously crazy levels. The combination of the two is very bad news. I have to recover from this, otherwise there is no point in me living.

@jjer94 I went ahead and did what you suggested by getting up, getting dressed and going out for a walk. It was a strange experience, I just walked and listened to myself feeling angry, sad, hopeless, anxious, jealous and lonely. I felt almost ill doing this, very scared and didn't know what to expect. I looked at other people walking, felt jealous of them and how much better off than me they must be. I looked around at the beautiful scenery, felt really sad but also kind of peaceful at the same time. My obsessive mind clocked in as usual, giving me thoughts about how I shouldn't enjoy this since there's no point now, or how I could have enjoyed this so much more before making stupid mistakes and being the way I am today. Despite that stuff, I am glad I did it anyway.