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Gosh , I have to admit that I contemplated suicide often and have actually tried to carry it out a few times , I used to be very very depressed , The last time I tried to harm myself was many years ago , i took a bottle buzz and some razors and walked along the freeway to get to the wilderness, as I walked along , a question flashed into my mind , Why would you kill yourself if God put you onto this Earth ? With that question I "woke up " from my trance like state and I realized that there was no reason at all . I walked back and from then on I had to face all my demons and problems. One of my most amazing therapist said to me once , that the people who commit suicide are the ones we needed the most , they are the most sensitive and valuable for society , the exception being murderers of course. PLEASE FIND A GOOD THERAPIST THEY CAN PERFORM MIRACLES !

Hello, guys. During the last couple of years, something click on my mind, and made me change how I view my life. It happen around the time when I turned eighteen, it was more than the classic existential crisis that most of us have during that age, with the pressure of what to do, or what to major on, in college. Instead, I think my mind went the other way with this idea of life being void of meaning. The bottom line is, I am tired of living. To be more specific, I am not depressed (or at least I do not think I am), but I would not mind just dying and saving myself the suffering that comes with life. Just a little info on me, my life is going alright, currently in college, have nice hobbies, an active lifestyle, and not a horrible family. However, just thinking about having to work for many years, responsibilities, doing meaningless task until the day I die, does not seem worth the suffering that comes with it, at least not to me. This kind of mindset, is constantly creeping on my mind, and have taken a toll on my happiness level. Even feeling like a victim at times, but most importantly, makes life feel like a constant uphill battle. Which just helps and feeds even more into this idea of life not being worth the trouble. What I am saying, is that I would not mind dying, and saving myself all the trouble. At the same time I am not planning my suicide or anything like that. Going through the motions of life, or this “journey”, all the ups and downs. It just seems like a waste of time, for the same result. Death. What do you guys think ? Would appreciate any insight on this.

Hell, your input is always appreciated I have to say that I don't really have a strong foundation. I don't really eat that healthy - still need to look into that topic. I don't smoke, I seldom drink. I meditate daily and do also self-inquiry daily (still have to make it seperate from meditation). But my main struggle would be depression/mental illness, at times it's crippling. I think if that was different, then the trip might have turned out better. I am guessing that the weak ego is trying its best to keep "me" from getting better/seeing through the illusion, and it does that using suicide/gore/death as its main weapon since I don't really mind dying (that much). It surely would be a big + if I had a better foundation.

Humor is an interesting thing. Some of the greatest comedians have been very depressed. Robin Williams killed himself and Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide. Jim Carey has dealt with depression in the past, so did John Cleese from Monty Python. Eminem he describes it well in that song I posted, the thing about hiding behind the tears of a clown. Eminem he is like a comedian as well. That is what sets his lyrics apart. But at the same time his lyrics can be real acid as well. When I look at myself, my own sense of humor comes from a much darker place sometimes, like a more cynical and sarcastic worldview. Sometimes it's like my brain makes a lot of connections, it connect a lot of dots, that a lot of other people just don't. I think the inspiration for humor and comedy often has its roots in that much darker place, but it's an art to filter that darkness the right amount to make it sound funny.

@Sine I really dind t have any serious relationship until now ,the problem is way deeper. I bought Leo s ultimate life purpose course 1 year ago(I did almost 70 % of the course).The book list 4 mounths ago.Then 2 mounths ago I found out about enlightenment ,and this hit me hard like very hard.My dream was to be a movie director.Right now I study Cinematography,but when I found out about enlightenment my dream went to the trash cam.It really fuked me over man.Right now I dont even now what I em because I wached all the videos leo put on about enlightenment .I read books about enlightenment and my mind misinterpreted the information I think .2 days ago I was walking and I didnt know what is real or not.Because the truth of "enlightenment" means that you see that this thing you call you is fake and it does not exist. I think I have a short circuit in my brain.This "enlightenment" stuff is hard wired in my brain right now .At it says "Nothing matters,all of this( my dream) is a distraction.And my motivation disappeared over night.I dont blame Leo, if I had not bought the course sure I was committing suicide until now.I dont know what to think guys, leo says in his videos about enlightenment that relationships are a distraction but Peter Ralston who is enlighted is married.And I stress this thing with relationships so much because tits the last thing that makes me fell alive and not to go crazy and kill miself.I really dont know what to do guys.If I went to the psychologist right now he will think that I em crazy.

I can tell you I worked in a transitional living shelter for a 2 years and helped ran five programs from non-residential to the apartment program , An extensive in house 18 mouth program , groups of almost every kind from training to emotional support. The list goes on and on. I Thought I wanted to go into psychology and help people in that way. So I placed myself in a real world environment to explore that. I would not trade that experience for anything it was amazing. But I learned several things. If you can do this I applaud you. I can tell you that the amount of emotional, physical , mental and spiritual energy it takes to work in that field is Eminence. There is a reason suicide is higher in therapist psychologist and psychiatric disciplines. Addiction is a constant in every persons life in one way or another. You will get great insight into this aspect of life. That includes the simple fact that until the person hits their rock bottom they will not succeed. They have to make that choice themselves and until they do no meaningful work will be done. That being said you have to support everyone like that is the case even when they fail. Relapse is not just part of the process it has to be taken into concentration on a daily basses. I loved my time doing this type of work I would not trade the experience for anything. I met some of the most caring genuine people that ran these programs. I also experienced burnout and saw it in others on a semi-regular basis. It is more destructive than you could know. So anyone that wants or is thinking of doing this kind of work I would tell them to do the same thing I did get in this field in a real way. Even Before that make sure your own emotional, mental, physical and spiritual life are rock solid otherwise your setting yourself up to fail as well as those you could potability help. Second you better find a way to decompress and compartmentalize your life. I know it sounds like I am trying to discourage you. I am not people that can navigate all the challenges and pitfalls of this field are needed and ones that can stay healthy and happy are rare. Maybe you are one of the people that are needed with the rare constitution to do this long term. Get into field get your hands dirty and see what you are in for and start to develop strategy's and ways to cope and adapt. I would recommend at the least one year commitment at the most a two year commitment to really know what you are dedicating the rest of your life too. I can tell you after two years my delusion that I wanted to dedicate my life to psychology and helping other people in this way dissolved. My drive to help others did not change I just go about it differently now. Good luck

Hey everyone ! and to any kind souls reading this right now... Before I write anything right now, I would like to thank Leo and the existence of this forum, as I believe and am sure it has helped many people along the way. I pray this might help me to too and truth me told, the only reason I thought of writing this post today was out of pure inspiration and insight, remembering the existence of this forum! To try and keep things as concise as I can, and for reference sake - I'm a lady in her mid 20's, been suffering from Depression for what feels like years now (have been diagnosed with it twice by 2 different ppl in the past year, however they didn't care to define the type and as a Psychology student I Feel like I have Major Depression) and as time has gone by, I started to realize that it has started long before I've started University (2 years ago now). Actually, I think I've had small bouts of depression in the very, very last few months as a senior in High School, and then later on in quite a few incidents during the time I served in the Military (due to suicidal thoughts mainly and deep emotional suffering and abuse). I am currently IN therapy (finished my 18th session thus far), have been asked to go on antidepressants but am not willing to do soas I do not believe I want to put it in my own body (same stance I have against wanting to use the pill for contraceptive reasons for myself, personally speaking). So basically, I take no medication for my depression and only "rely" on therapy, which tbh has not been going as well as I had hoped it would. If it means anything, I'm deeply Spiritual but not religious. Long story short, I've been suffering with a LOT of suicidal thoughts. They are nothing gruesome in nature ("how I would like to kill myself") but rather are born out of a deep, deep sadness and loss of motivation in life. I keep thinking how I feel like I have no place in the world and how easily I would let myself let go of all my dreams, the possibility of a career, a social life, literally friends, a decent job, a partner/husband (I'm single) and kids and so forth...when it gets really bad, I realize I do not care for anything I have thus mentioned. What really, really deeply bothers me and is a source of great pain and frustration in my life and has been for the longest time right now, is the issue of me feeling like "I don't care anymore". Nothing seems to matter anymore. It has ruined 2 relationships of which made the men involved literally break up/dump me/give up on me. It has cost me my potential in school and in my career choices, it has isolated me from friends and literally killed any hope I have for myself and my future. The point of the matter is that...words do NOT do it justice when I simply say "I don't care". It sadly makes them seem like I'm "bratty" and "annoyed" and that's not really the point I want to come across when I say that I feel like "I don't care". What I really want to convey on those words are my deep pain of hopelessness. I truly feel like there is NO cure for me. There is no pill I can take to give me back the motivation I so desperately need. I feel like I have so so much potential in school, as a partner, as a future wife, as a mother...I feel robbed of everything with these deep rooted pain of how everything doesn't matter anymore and that I simply "do not care" It has gotten so bad that I literally feel, deep down in my heart and soul, that there is no medication for me that can "fix this". Like there are absolutely no words my therapist or a therapist can tell me, in order to "fix" me and this problem. I am deeply anguished and have absolutely no idea where to look or find my solution. *To be honest, I feel like my therapist is really shitty and hasn't helped too much but that's besides the point. I know other ppl might be going through similar things and it truly breaks my heart, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I am faced with courses upon courses with University right and as I look at everything...I realize deep down that I do not care anymore. I really, really don't. And, I know you must be asking yourself that I should probably just switch majors and find something I'm passionate about and stick to that, but the truth is that I AM technically already "studying" my dream major, Psychology. Which breaks my heart even more because hey, I'm studying my dream major and feel like I cannot possibly really be good at anything else...so what's really left for me? How can one be so suicidal and could care less if they're already studying something that was their dream from the very start? I'm just tying to give out examples for my current situation, which I hope helps gives the bigger picture right now. As for a love life, I was literally dumped 3 times in the span of 5 months, by the SAME guy who I thought loved me (dating for 9 months, and prior to that was dumped by someone whom I had been loving for 10 years) You can imagine the amount of pain and the toll that took on me. And to be honest, it has made me want to swear off relationships in general. It made me see how depression destroyed not just me but a future of ever being with someone, whilst still suffering from depression myself. My parents do not really understand the depth of my pain, no matter how I try to explain it. I do not feel the need or want to hang out or enjoy a social life anymore. People are literally going about their day at university and trying to study and make things work and I'm just sitting there literally baffled at everyone making such amazing efforts and truly caring about their lives when I myself struggle to go through a lecture and feel like killing myself. I have expressed my deep suicidal thoughts to my therapist, my parents...but no one seems to care. At least not enough to stop me or do...anything for that matter. It's as if nothing seems important to everyone and that just breaks my heart because if I had a child and they were suicidal...Gosh, I would do everything in my power to make them feel better. I really, really would. My real issue is this deep and painful loss of motivation in life and everything I do. I cannot be bothered to study, I really could care less deep down in my heart. I realize that effects me having a decent career or getting a job and maybe a relationship but I just find that I really do not care about those things either anymore. Even to the point where I do not want a social life anymore. If it means anything, my dream was to become a Clinical Psychologist. My dream was to help ppl exactly like me *sigh* I really wanted to help ppl, with all my heart and soul, I mean it. I know this is such a side note right now, as I myself have not seem the WHOLE entire TV show of "13 reasons why" (just 2 episodes + the last one) but I deeply felt for Hannah especially in the scene where she committed suicide and I had been shaken the past few days as I feel like I saw her pain and it resonated with me 200% in my heart and soul. I know I'm not alone but at the same time so incredibly alone and suicidal. I pray that any kind souls reading this right now, would be nice enough to let me know their thoughts and what they think I should do. I truly feel like there is no solution for me out there and it breaks my heart. Please help me. Thank you so much for reading everything. <333

But it's not the usual death (through car crash/suicide etc), so maybe there is a more accurate term?

Have thoughts of buying a few portable bbqs and burning charcoal in my car to gas myself. I feel like just sucking it up and doing it. Felt this way too many times before I've had bad ocd for quite a few months and been isolating myself a lot. Been binge drinking 2-3x a week for the last few months. I'm now over that, I don't want to drink anymore, it's no longer doing any positive whatsoever. I've still maintained a really healthy diet for many years now. My health has issues, I've got a problem with my breathing, it's very controlled, it takes much more effort than it should and is on mind 100% of the day. I've sat down and spent 100s and 100s of hours trying to work it out. My body feels very ill and does not function in anyway as it should. I can't feel any pleasure in my body. I have tried a few different hard drugs, which i don't condone for myself, i cant get a single ounce of good feeling. It's been 4 years since my body has been capable of producing a nice feeling. Long term health condition diagnosed as m.e, in other words, i have no idea what's going on, it's caused immense suffering for me. I believe if i could let go of this ocd and feelings of guilt, and looked after myself and got my emotional health in order, then my body should heal itself somewhat after many months. The doctors have provided no help, after shit loads of visits and tests. I haven't been able to sort my emotions out and the ocd and it's just been dragging on for ages. It's just suffering at the moment and nothing else. I'm 26, living with my mum. Don't want to burden anyone else whilst im feeling this way. No job atm, except for the stuff i was doing part time with a mate and when my band gigs. I feel like a pretty incomplete, kind of stupid, well behind in life for my age, and socially awkward in ways. I managed to build some decent guitar skills over years and I know people think highly of me in this. I don't have much else. Potential for doing other stuff? Sure I have family coming up for christmas, an old friend coming through also wants to see me, i have a gig on new years, i have a friends wedding in january. I don't want to do any of it, and i don't want to see anyone. I'm actually feeling temporarily less morbid after writing this, I don't expect it to last. Are there consequences to suicide? -In regards to this thing that I perceive as the self. What are beliefs on this around here? Am I gone like I want to be? Or is something in 'me' likely to continue on and pay for it. I know I'm incredibly selfish, I just don't care atm

You can call me Joe. I'm hoping my own journey so far and going forward can resonate with some of you. I've really covered the bases when it comes to self-actualization, I swear I know every strategy like the back of my hand - but the changes I've cared about most haven't come. The changes that HAVE happened, have been great. Success with women, presentation skills, healthy diet, etc. But one thing that hasn't changed threatens to root me in place like concrete, for good. There's a cycle, and it begins with getting distracted (riveting I know, just stay with me). I'm now behind on something I was supposed to be working on. I lie and say I've done it - whether this be lying directly or just acting like nothing's the matter. Can't break the facade, which means I can't be seen working on it later. Rather difficult when I have only so much time alone after work, school and research before I see my girlfriend. Don't break the facade, I can just finish it later and make up an excuse as to why it's late (Let me tell you, I'm quite the architect with these.). In the meantime, I've kept myself busy, but with everything EXCEPT what I was supposed to do. Maybe I game, or do 3d modeling, or the news. The time spent on my assignment would have to be explained, if not to someone else than myself - I'd have to face the issue at hand - but even I need to believe the facade. I could finish all the week's work in one night. (I could, I've done it before, but there's no reason in the world to think of that as some dependable occurrence.) As time drags on toward deadlines I can't even put a pencil to a piece of work, or an important email that I have to send. I give up if I start to fail during a day instead of catching myself and switching gears. I'd rather give in and believe that I can't take corrective action than do something about it. Part of this is a tendency to get distracted, but there's something else - something I hope is reversible. When I was kid I used to dream. Sure, I was distractable then too (actually more so) but I didn't have any feeling of resistance when it came to my schoolwork. I loved it. Then middle school came, severe bullying, near suicide, difficulty with parents compounding. I was bullied, at least in part, because I asked too many questions. I liked learning too much. I was the "What-If" kid. What-if the coffee maker could do this? What if the landing craft could do this? What if nature could do this? What if (in math) x could do this? I didn't understand why the abuse was happening, so I aimed the blame inwards and nearly committed suicide at 12. I became anxious, judgemental (toward myself and others), and got most of my drive from keeping up a facade rather than letting my curiosity roam free. As you might guess, keeping up a facade based on lack of effort and ease....isn't sustainable. It was for high school, most of Bioengineering Undergrad. But now, with research, school, work and a girlfriend who just lost her father, the facade can't be sustained. These past couple years, I've tried to use negative thought to force myself to change my actions. The results haven't been good. It's as if I were in a sealed off room, and due to my own breathing I will eventually risk breathing in too high a concentration of CO2. My current strategy would be to hold my breath, to avoid breathing in the CO2 - doesn't work too well, and leaves me with the suffocating emotional feeling I'm all too used to now. Instead, I think I need to reach for the oxygen, and turn on the supply. The oxygen is my..drive. Curiosity, breathing room, whatever you want to call it. Without that flow of oxygen, I'm left with the 2 options I encounter every day: 1. Be paralyzed, suffocate as I stop yourself from taking in any air. 2. Breathe the air that's available - the distractions, the low-engagement entertainment from gaming to news. My need to consume remains, but I'm unwilling to let myself freely do so, out of recollection of what I went through. My biggest hurdle is commitment. My biggest hurdle in accomplishing that is the emotion that I attach to the smallest tasks and decisions. I know that if I can commit to small changes I can avoid the "molehill into a mountain" dilemma. I also know that I need fuel to get me there, and that negativity and self-shaming will do more to fuel the defensive facade than it would productive actions that in their enactment would acknowledge that facade is based on a lie. The ego will always protect itself. And so there's the loop. My goal is to find my dreams again, and form values that will get me there. When these values are strong enough, my daily actions will more easily represent them and the direction I want to go. My goal right now is to be responsible - a small one compared to what I used to have, but perhaps what I need now more than ever. If I can accomplish this one half-decently I should get the momentum I need to do more. Thank you for listening friends, and godspeed. I look forward to knowing you.

@Leo Gura You are not talking about suicide though?

@blazed Too bad you can't quit when you like.. or maybe one could by suicide... but then I guess you would still be dealt a random new game. If you only knew, you could just kill yourself every time you get born into a nightmare... but I guess that is a little oversimplicated of an idea. I guess it's just random, infinite and happening in the Now. Anyway, hard to make sense of it with concepts, and without actually being the Truth.

What I also want to say is that if they convinced themselves they are happy, at least it worked for them. They were able to live a long life and not suicide due to unhappiness, because they thought they were happy. From the standpoint of death, does it matter whether they were trully happy or not? Only in the present moment it matters whether you are happy. Death makes everything irrelevant. Sometimes i just think - lets just blow up the entire planet and get it over with. There is no point in it anyway. Unless there is. It's not like if they were actually happy they wouldn't die?

why is all the loneliness creeping up again? what is it, actually? it's cold, a feeling of distance and of being alienated from others. disconnection, separateness, isolation. it's strange, because people around me seem happy. or at least quite ok with their mainstream lives. they study, play video games, watch TV, interact on social media, eat bad food, gossip, get drunk at parties. I lived like that too, it destroyed me. it became so bad, I had finally had to change something in my life. sometimes I think: why can't I be satisfied with that 'normal' life? why can't I be ok with living like the average westerner? then again, what is normal? why have suicide/depression rates never been so high? this isn't leading anywhere good, I've experienced it myself. I have to keep reminding myself of it. but then, why do I feel lonely, empty, sad and pissed of again?

Since last Friday, I've been thinking about an old flame. She's a singer & usually they put together some event at this time of year. However, I haven't heard from her in the past few months & have not actually seen her in, I think, a full year now. After awhile of thinking about it, I felt like a stitched wound in my body just reopened & started gushing out raw emotions. As if the downfall of that relationship happened yesterday, instead of two years ago. I went back to the chat forum on the phone system that her & her friends use to see if they were putting together any event this year. From last year & the years before, they chatted all the time on that forum & it was blowing up my phone. So much so, that I had to disable notification. I rarely paid attention to it until now, when these lamentations popped up & made me wonder if I would see her & her friends this year sing their recital & do a meet & greet. But there was near silence on their chat forum now. As if their chat system was dead or replaced. I did see a screenshot of local newspaper showing there was going to be a recital at a church coming up & she was going to be in it, but no invitations were sent out & nobody said anything about it. It's almost as if there is any chatting going on, it is happening on another chat group & not hers. There's no information, even though there are nearly 300 members on the group. I'd feel really weird about just showing up uninvited. In the past, they would put together lists to find out who would attend in advance. And now there doesn't appear to be anything. I thought I was over all of this but I guess the nostalgia of the event, that sense of belonging, has me in its grip again. It'll pass after some time, if I can get lost in something else, perhaps a story on TV or working. But once I'm alone again, having to live with my silent thoughts, that crushing sorrow rears its ugly head. Sometimes, I get some morning anxiety right before I wake up & I had a thought about planning my suicide. Writing up the will & getting everything ready for my exit. Morning anxiety always plants the most horrible thoughts that my brain can think of. There's not any real reason for these such negative thoughts. And then I also remembered that I probably suffer from Seasonal depression disorder (I think it's called SAD) as I always feel a bit gruesome this time of year. I was just curious about these waves & why it would appear now, after all of this time. Perhaps they were simply repressed & not fully handled at the time. It hadn't bothered me all year until I started to think about it & the upcoming singing recital that I'd attended every year for the past 5 years. There's no grudges from this woman against me, she just drifted away, as women do. She had called me a few months ago about asking me to help her with her resume, but I was caught by surprise & probably talked her out of it. I all I had to do was ask her to arrange a time & then I could talk in person & find out what was going on with her & figuring out my own feelings, since everything I'm going through is just inside me & not happening to her or anyone else. Just an ebb & flow of some old emotions, which I thought were long behind me.

We cannot really "kill the ego", what I have found from the endless regurgitation of guru speak is what really happens is the ego just acts like it 'commits suicide' or dissolves itself and then hides from the awareness in the subconscious mind behind all the trappings of the "enlightened non-dual" rhetoric calling it "truth". After chasing that mythical dragon in hopes to slay it for years I have chosen another path that has brought lasting peace and fulfillment to my life experience. There are no tricks or tips, no practices or beliefs, no ideas or concepts, no truth or right that I can teach about this path other than to say, just be it in the moment. Whatever you seek for your being.... just be it. Then what is all this other stuff in our mind, body, emotion and spirit that tries to interfere with what we seek to be? Some will say it is that ego that needs to be killed. Well, the ego can be killed as readily as the past can be changed or erased so if one is trying to kill the ego they are simply letting the past distract them from the present. In this very moment, in every moment just be what one seeks for one's own being and the ego will take care of itself.

I just realised that depression is the thing that makes you very close to enlightenment. And there are two ways out of depression - first is to fight against it, win and become happy - that’s what people usually do, that’s what psychologist advise to do. And the second way is to go deeper and deeper into depression straight to the point of death, the point when nothing left, then your ego dies out and you realise enlightenment! Not many people decide to go and sacrafice own ego during depression. This is counterintuitive (as Leo would say) if you depressed go and become even more depressed! Suffer, but then sacrifice your ego, your self to reach the very bottom end, literally sacrafice yourself, your life with full honesty without waiting for something in return, without the need and desire for enlightenment, gave away everything, surrender your wants and desire, realise you want nothing, you need nothing, and realise nothing left, realise there is nothing except what it is right now - and then become enlightened. OR go and fight, kill dragon,hope for better, win and become happy again, fight for enlightenment - that’s nice but that’s all ego fight and ego victory, yes you won, but it really is just your ego won. That’s what people usually do during depression, that’s why only few enlightened. Because if everyone would go and sacrifice self when self is already so sad and tired and on the verge then whole western civilisation would be enlightened given the rates of depression. That is what only crazy people would do, coz it’s an existential suicide and no different than real sacrifice of your life! Because by doing this, your self image thinks that it sacrifices itself literally and gonna die after that! Look many enlightened people become so after depression or trauma. So i guess there’s a requirement to go and die on the cross, and only then come back to walk on the water. Maybe it’s not the only way, but it certainly seem as what most of famous enlightened people like Tolle has experienced. Think of dark night of soul. Think of Jesus dying on cross, he asks God ‘why you left me?’, then he accepts god’s will, It’s a clear metaphor of depression, of suffering of the ego, resistance and eventual surrender.

Suicide is pointless, sadly most people never get the experience to realize why until its too late

I have become mentally disturbed by my thoughts and memories of all of the failures I've made in my life including my dating/sex/romance life, social life, school, work, etc. For years, these things have been negatively affecting my life including my concentration on my schoolwork, my job, my workouts, my social life, etc. It's as if I have demons in my head that have been haunting me for eternity. Since pickup, dating advice, and social advice of all sorts from A-Z have failed me I really wish I didn't feel anything towards anyone anymore. For over 15 years of my life, no therapist nor has any medicine been able to help me with this matter. Also, meditation takes years to for it to work. So, I don't know what to do and don't know where to go now other than committing suicide or continuing to suffer through this forever. I don't want to castrate myself literally because I am too afraid to do something so gruesome like that. I would like to somehow be like a machine with no feelings or emotions for about year. I know that if I were a robot then I would have 100% laser-like concentration and work virtually non-stop on achieving my personal dreams. I am begging with all of my heart, soul, and every fiber of my being that someone here could tell me how to lose my humanity, at least for a brief period of my life.

I think most people would prefer suicide over 3 cups of beans every day. And I'm not sure all vegans out there have the will for same. At some point it feels like you hate yourself.

@Leo Gura But, how do you gain that "overwhelming trust in TRUTH"? I took 300ug al-lad 4 weeks ago. It feels like I actually had an ego death, but reemerged with a terrified, fighting ego, because my sitter directly engaged me in a conversation and I projected onto him beeing my executioner. It took me 4 weeks of all day flashbacks now to realize, that I don't have to commit suicide and I just have to focus on processing those feelings/energies. With this retraumatisation my trust in TRUTH is quiet shattered now...but I want to get fully back on the path. HOW? (trip report in progress)

I was afraid that would be the answer. Although I did kind of allude to it in my original post. In that case how do we overcome the fear of death? So it appears that Necron was right... "All life bears death from birth. Life fears death but, lives only to die. It Starts with Anxiety. Anxiety becomes fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. The only cure for the fear is total destruction (not saying I agree with Necron here). In a world of nothing fear does not exist. This is a world that all life desires." Anyway... I guess enlightenment is death with out actually dying? Instead of suicide I guess it's killing all of your desires with out the desires there is nothing to cling on to and nothing to cause you suffering when you don't have it. Including friends and family. Including parts of your body and any ideas you hold on to as "facts" and "truths". The thing is that we as humanity are trying so hard to avoid the void. Instead of avoiding the void why not get comfortable with the void and embrace the void. I guess a way of not avoiding the void is meditation. At a young age I always thought that death means eternal darkness. I had this idea of death in my head as blackness that I am staring at and it's just my thoughts surrounded by this darkness for the rest of eternity and that scared me a lot. Then again that can't be true because these thoughts would have to be coming from somewhere. Well in one video you said we don't spend a lot of time contemplating and we are trying to manipulate things around us. Well in this instance I am not doing that and genuinely trying to understand this "void" so I can get comfortable and accept it. I'm also wondering if there is anything to be learned from Near Death Experiences https://www.near-death.com/science/research/void.html. So the more time we spend alone doing absolutely nothing I'm wondering if that is the best chance we have to not fear death as much as we do (or at least I do).

I don't mean physical suicide of course.

The universe doesn't always know what it's doing. It's so hard to be in the present when there's so much uncertainty out there. It's sometimes scary. That's why I occasionally contemplate suicide. I am tired of living with all of this unpredictability.

Enlightenment is Existential Suicide Enlightenment is the elephant in the room Enlightenment is an open secret Immortality does not mean eternal life Immortality means not-death Immortality means not-life Something is Not Nothing is Not There is no Not.