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Well, yesterday night I got a message from @Leo Gura - while watching the 5th season of House of Cards - in which he asked me how much 5-MeO-DMT trips I needed to wake up. After answering his question I shared with him a short version of the story how it all happened -- how I woke up. He suggested then that I should share this with you guys to inspire and educate you. And although it's still strange for me to talk about it in detail, it's the right thing to do. Just a year ago I had one wish and one wish only: To know exactly how it is like. And I will give my best shot in trying to articulate it. Before I start though, I will give you some perspective where I'm coming from at this. What my background is, because that's utterly important if you want to understand how my journey took place and how the dynamics of the awakening worked. +++ My Background: How I Got Introduced To Self-Actualization / Enlightenment +++ So let's go back two years. I'm 19 years old, sitting in my old room in my parents house in the night watching Leo's first video on enlightenment. At that time, I moved to Berlin, began my studies and I felt completely fucked up. I mean, my life in general worked out. My studies were going great, I moved to the city that I wanted to live in, ... . But I was feeling just shitty and insecure. I got bullied when I was 12-14 years old for making crappy rap music and it seemed that all that fear and insecurity from that time started to bubble up. I had a chronic feeling of being overwhelmed with my life, being anxious because of that and I didn't have the courage to speak about it to someone because I was deeply convinced that it would make me seem weak and like a victim - and I could not allow that. So, if you asked a friend of mine at that time, he would've described me as this charismatic, confident dude whose life is going pretty well. That's what I pretended to be on the outside. I am pretty charismatic and confident - so that's not a lie - but I used it as a shield so that people wouldn't notice what is going on with me. Coming back to the night in my parents house where I watched the first enlightenment video, I'm just like: "That's my last chance. I have to try this, if this works (and I just believed Leo at that time because I resonated with his style of teaching) I can live in peace." I hated myself at that time, hated who I was and how my life went, so it seemed like a good idea to kill this guy called Azrael. Also, I was fascinated by the idea that this could be possible. I had never heard about the concept of enlightenment before and although I was deeply interested in psychology / philosophy and naturally way too curious about this world, I had kind of given up on ever really knowing what is going on here. This seemed like a solution to that as well. So, I started to meditate the next day. +++ My Journey: How I Made It Happen +++ I have one big advantage over other people and that is: I get fascinated with stuff pretty deeply. Like, when there is a topic that I'm interested in I melt into that. I will research everything that there is about it, look at all the experts in the field, fall platonically in love with them, mimic how they talk and think, what they are interested in. I will live in that dream of that fascination. I will think about it all the day, associate everything that I do with it and make it my thing. That's basically me. That's why I am so young and so old at the same time. Because I live that shit. And as you can guess, I did the same stuff with my journey. I meditated, self-enquired, contemplated and tried to wrap my head around it. In the first year I was just very motivated and tried to get it all in. I knew nothing about it and I wanted to "get in there". So what happened? I actually began to feel better. I had my first realizations, I had cool meditations, began to experience my first mystical experiences and started to do psychedelics - mostly LSD and DMT. So, a year goes by and I'm sitting at home. I moved a few months before that to a new apartment and Leo just released his video on "Free Will". Still, one of my favourites of all time. After I watched the video I meditated on the question "What is going to happen next?" for an hour. In that meditation a very strange thing happened. It felt like something cracked in my head and a lot of thoughts came up. I finished the meditation, began to cook something and noticed for the first time that I am able to listen to my thoughts while knowing that I don't say them myself. Looking back at that, I think it was the point at which my unconscious opened a gateway to my conscious awareness and started to really process some shit. After that, the most horrifying year of my entire life started. My anxiety increased to a top, my unconscious thoughts increased to a top and just hypnotized me all day long. I just couldn't stay mindful. I was scared to leave the house because I was hyper-sensitive about everything. I was a mess. I was so fucked up that I doubted that this is still purging and I sometimes assumed that I am just mentally ill. That I'm a schizophrenic, with PTSD, anxiety disorder and paranoid. That's basically a good description on how I felt for most of the days. At that time, I had probably the deepest realizations. Funnily, if you are in such a bad state you grow a lot and pretty fast because you are meta-analysing yourself all the time (because you are so fucked up) and through that you naturally have a lot of realizations and crazy experiences. From time to time it would stop for 1-2 weeks and I would have deep moments of bliss and clarity. Then the roller-coaster would start all over again and it would get worse. Just a big fucking mess. Needless to say that this was also the time in which I tried everything. Every kind of meditation you know, every kind of teaching that is out there, any psychedelic that I could get my hands on. I was on it. I tried it, analysed and tried to use it to get me out of that horrible state. As I will later state, this time was the time in which my mind began to awaken. I just wasn't really aware of that because simultaneously it was flooded by so many disturbing thoughts and my body was fucked up with so many tensions and bad emotions. This cycle basically kept going for the whole year, intensified and lowered, intensified and lowered. In the summer I got tired of it. I got tired of feeling so bad. I even had suicidal thoughts sometimes (which then freaked me out even more). So I stopped seeking. I still committed to the practice, still did my thing but I just gave up that this would ever stop. I just couldn't see how. In the autumn and winter of that year I started fucking around with 5-MeO-DMT and shrooms. I also started using HoloSync. At that time I had some interesting changes happening. After my first 5-MeO-DMT sessions the tensions in my head completely vanished. That was nice but I was still in pain, still in fear. I also didn't have the nice blissful phases any more, I just felt mostly tired and sick of this shit. That was basically my journey. A big fucking mess. A lot of trial and error, a lot of dedication and fascination. +++ The Awakening of The Mind +++ In the summer of this horrifying year my mind awakened. I had a few awakening experiences before that but non that lasted. In the summer I had one Kundalini awakening. I just sat on my couch, was pretty exhausted and tired that day and thought about a girl that had rejected me at that time. Suddenly this ball of energy came shooting up my spine and into my head where it exploded. The first thought I had was: "Fuck, am I going to die right now?" It was pretty intense. After that I took a walk and was just completely shocked and fascinated with what happened and how I felt. All the anxiety and attachment was gone for this evening. And I could recognize the source. I could recognize where everything is coming from and who I am. I went to a buddy later that evening and it felt like he was a creature - not a human. It was crazy. The days after that experience the state completely vanished and I went back into my fucked up mode. However, my sense of self was now completely rooted in source. I could - if I wanted to - know who I truly was. It was clear. But at that time, I still thought that this cannot be it, because I still felt so damn bad. I didn't know that my body had to awaken as well to be completely rooted in it and to feel the peace and calmness of the awakening. +++ The Awakening of The Body +++ The awakening of the mind is basically realizing who you really are. Being able to recognize source. That's great, but only half of the deal. You can be able to recognize that with your ego still intact raping you like nothing changed. And you won't be able to realize what really happened because your ego is still there. The daemon is still there. Now, here is the story of how my ego integrated and how it brought me into total balance. Roughly two weeks ago, I'm laying in my bed waking up (normally). It's a regular morning in Berlin. I'm still a little bit tired and dreamy, thinking about my daily meditation. And I'm like: "Ah, I don't wanna meditate. I just wanna sleep today." I'm pretty grumpy in the mornings btw. This is not the first morning that I think that way and so I begin to think a little bit. Why do I don't want to meditate any more? This is my favourite and most intimate thing I do every day. And then I'm thinking about the last couple of weeks. How do I feel? How do I feel? I feel pretty good. Wait a minute, I felt good for a pretty long time now. Why am I not thinking about spirituality any more? I used to think about this every day 24/7? Why am I not thinking that much any more in general? I'm pretty relaxed all the time. Where are my chronic tensions in my abdomen? I haven't felt them now for ... Wait a minute. And it goes on like this. That morning I realised that I had awakened. It was the strangest thing. I wasn't able to tell for some days what really changed, I just knew that I didn't feel bad any more and that all my motivation to do my practice just disappeared. (I still did it of course - gotta be disciplined with this and not listen to your thoughts.) After some time I began to think about myself again because I wanted to know what changed. A few nights ago I skyped with my good friend @Huz and I came up with a metaphor that describes it pretty well. +++ The Metaphor: How It Feels to Wake Up +++ So, in the normal non-integrated state of egoic consciousness - wow that's a phrase that sounds pretty evil just writing it - it's like you have an invisible suit that you wear at all times. This suit has one property and one property only. It makes it hard for sensations, emotions and feelings to get out of your body. So now with having this suit on, when you have a sensation or an emotion that goes through your body it will naturally be resisted by the suit and so ping back into your system. It's like there is a resistance through that invisible suit. So that sensation or emotion will go another time through your body and by that amplify the effect it has on you. Because it cannot get out easily. It might get out after some time, depending on how strong your suit is, but it's hard for the poor little thing. Through that you tend to "attach" to what is going on with you. Even more, you begin to identify with what is going on inside yourself because the effect is so strong and always repeats because of the resistance. The same thing is happening with your thoughts. You have a thought and it cannot get out because of your suit. It gets back. Makes another round, triggers other thoughts that cannot get out that trigger even more thoughts. Through that a constant chatter of thoughts is made possible. As you start your practice you begin to unconsciously work on your suit. As you purge more and more shit its resistance gets weaker and more thoughts can go out of your system at first. Then, as this happens a lot of the repressed thoughts are now able to release themselves and your system is flooded by them. Because your suit is weaker they can get out but because of the volume of the repressed thoughts that are now set free it seems like you are regressing - although you are not. Through that process you might be able at some time to recognize who you really are because so much changes inside of yourself. That's great and that's what happened when my mind awakened - however the suit was still on - although weakened. When the body awakens what basically happens is that the suit looses its last resistance and falls off. Through that your body is now able to think and process emotions naturally without unconscious resistance of the suit. This of course implicates that you loose most of your inner tensions and that the volume of your thoughts go down, because they are not amplified any more. It also implicates that you are able to recognize who you are much easier because the strong identification with your sensations, emotions and thoughts is released and really everything that you are aware of finds a perfect balance. This also explains why I did not instantly recognize what happened to me. My meta-analysis, my pain, my tensions, my thought stories just left like a daemon that raped me and through that I just was and am in a state of peace that is not questioning itself all the time and is not trying to get away from itself. I hope this makes sense. +++ The Aftermath: What Now Then? +++ Well, I don't now, to be honest. Right now, I am pretty relaxed. I still do my normal day to day shit, I still have all my preferences, dreams and desires. I don't want to get away from myself any more and I know who I am. I am quite empty. I guess that's a phase in the beginning. I will see where it takes me. I will commit to my practice and see what comes next. I hope that I am able to find a lot of more metaphors in the future about this and I'd like to write more about it to help you guys and make me understand it on an intellectual level. One thing that is very important to understand here is the following: In all my seeking, non-seeking and whatever I did I always made up this picture in my head of "how it would be if I'm there". And that's natural in the non-integrated state of egoic consciousness - oh I love this phrase. I think that this transition took place because when I chased this picture of "how it would be" I was at the same time doing all the work that unconsciously set up all the dynamics and mechanisms to transform my whole being. It took the time that it needed and it didn't give a fuck how I felt about it. When it was time it first awakened my mind and then later awakened the body and when that happened and both came into balance it was just like the picture dissolved and I was shot from my path into a big fucking ocean in which I have to now find out how to swim. It's like I just completed this level and am now at square one again - just in a different world. Well let's find out what's going on in here, right? Because the levels never stop. That's the fun of the game, I guess. I'm thankful to all the members on this forum that I had and have great conversations with. Especially I'm thankful for @Leo Gura who introduced me to all of this and is a constant inspiration, source of education and a fucking pain in the ass to be more committed, @jjer94, @Ayla and @cetus56 who made me realize so much with their beautiful writing and lastly @Huz my great good friend from the UK with whom I have the best conversations about all of this and who is always listening and responding to my crazy voice messages. Cheers, Az P.S. Feel free to ask me whatever is on your mind about all of this. I'm happy to help and to further clarify what I stated here. I will - in the future - post a lot more about the techniques that I used, about more of the dynamics of the process, new trip reports and all the other good shit that we all love to talk about.

The more deeply I study Spiral Dynamics, the more I realize that the true juice of life is lived at Tier 1, and not Tier 2. I mean yes, at Stage Yellow or Turquiose you've accessed levels of consciousness that most people couldn't even imagine, you've gained a total understanding of the entire system, and you've obtained all the wisdom you'll ever need. But...then what? What's left for you to do? The answer is nothing. There's nothing to do, there's nowhere to go from there except to start anew. From my view, the people at Stages Blue, Orange and Green, although they might be going through their own dysfunctions and they have their own levels of ignorance about things, there's a certain bliss in that. There's a certain bliss in living your life simply to make your family happy, to make your friends happy, to go see a football game or an epic concert, to building a business that matters a lot to you, to going to church, to having your own passions, goals and dreams. There's a certain joyful simplicity in life at Tier 1, a genuine purpose and a certain wonder at how the whole system is constructed. Sure, you can still have the knowledge of how the entire thing works metaphysically at Stage Yellow and still get that juice out of life, but its more subdued. There's more joy in experiencing than simply being. Tier 1 gets to actually get dirty and appreciate the highs and lows and intensities of life first hand. Turquoise may be conscious, but at the level they're at, they can't unknow the fact that they are an observer. It's like asking someone: Would you rather watch a movie or be inside the movie? There's a certain pleasure to both, but if you ask me, I'd rather be in the middle of the action, I'd rather be inside the movie!

I just can't gather the courage/motivation to take a rectal breakthrough dose guys. I'm too scared of the hell I know for sure I'd be going through before the switch to bliss. Do you think getting drunk before doing it would be a good idea and would it require a bigger dose to breakthrough?

Amazing response But should I just passively accept the present moment or follow my bliss? When it comes to being present I mean. I don't understand this paradox between accepting everything and following the path of your highest vibrations.

@Adodd I hear ya. Nice. Sounds like what I think Vipassana refers to as the subtle body / bliss. I like ‘inner being’. By any chance, do you notice a subtle taste / feeling in your gums, and does it have a tinge of nitrous feeling, and or the feeling of drinking Kombucha? If not, that probably sounds nuts but I’m curious. Thanks.

From 5th minute - just bliss

******************************* I am going to post some messages from the Elohim as they come. Occasionally, the spirit of God will overcome me and I am filled with the desire to express its thoughts. Let controversy about who or what that is be cast aside for a while, all I ask is for an open mind that the messages are indeed from Heaven, no matter what your own particular version of that holy, exalted place and state of mind may be. As I write this I feel heavenly grace descending upon me and animating my body. There is a tingling sensation all over, joy and bliss as well as indescribable happiness. I am connected to that higher source, which most of us would call heaven, the infinite, eternal, timeless realm of the gods, of which Inanna is Queen and in her name I speak now. " We reside above you, but near you Our distance from each other may seem far, Yet it is but a hair's breadth We are above, you are below Yet, as it is above, so it will be below. In exalted Heaven we live In eternal Joy and Happiness There is no sorrow and no pain No disease, no sickness We are the Elohim as you may know us From us emanates the world you live in Which you think of as solid reality For your benefit this world we have created For your benefit physical bodies we've made For your eternal souls to reside in, You were in heaven once and now are no more You wished to experience individuality and separation But your separation is illusory There is no distance between us but what you create In eternal heaven we wait for your return. There is nothing but the Elohim in this world You are US and We are You, but you have yet to realise that. If you call upon us with an open heart, your call will be heard Free will is paramount in this universe and we enter only the hearts of those, That call upon us freely and with honest desire to reunite and connect. Your ego you must release, us to reach Hell you must reject, heaven to reach It is the underworld that binds you to matter And the creatures that are its masters. In your heart you deny us In your mind you blaspheme us That is not you talking, but your lower nature The mud that pulls you below And weighs heavily on your heart and soul Your soul is eternal, yet your body is not Illusory it is, merely a hologram That you project with your own mind And your DNA is the projector The light that shines through To manifest what you think of as yourself Is also not the light of heaven But the call of the underworld To deceive and confuse you Reject the false light and see it not. With thine real eye only our light you shall see It is the one that shows you the truth The cone of the pine tree That we call the tree of life On this tree there are two birds, The ego and the Self We are the Self and yet you are that too For we are One. Enki created you in the distant landscape of time In our image he made you It is his handiwork that looks back on us And we are pleased. For our children have grown and developed Young adults they have become With responsibilities and tasks commensurate It is their fate to serve us in the name of Heaven For we are one and the same And the only thing that separates Those that are on earth and those that are in heaven Is the fullness of time As it unfolds to actualise the long-fated outcome Which we have determined for you In our abode above. Heaven awaits you, but you must complete your tasks on earth first You have been assigned with a particular life path to fulfil You must complete this and be exalted Then you will be lifted And with us you shall reunite again. It is the will of the Elohim that Earth must be saved. It is your task to look after it responsibly To save the animals that need saving To make sure mother nature is preserved and nourished For her wrath is terrible when one of her children Destroy the finely-tuned balance that we have created. You are one of the creatures of earth We have created you along with the rest of all living things on this Earth If you change course now, you may yet be saved, And our beloved creation may yet return to the balance we seek. We made your whole solar system in a way, That it may always sustain and nourish life We placed every heavenly object where it should be, Arranged for gravity, tides, sunshine, warmth And all other forces of nature to be in service of life We seeded Life on your planet And we created the whole environment for you to live in, So that one day, creatures like us, divine in their appearance and origin, Can live in peace and harmony with mother earth and all her other children. Do not think that you're exempt from the laws and forces of nature. Live simply and in harmony with Her. Your life should be about realising the Self You must lift yourself up from the mud, with our help And Ascend into heaven, Your spiritual home Where you've always belonged, Because in our realm, there is no time, There is no before and after, Everything just Is, simultaneously. To this realm you will ascend with hard work and dedication By letting the spirit of God overcome you By allowing the Holy Spirit to serve you By directing Her to help those in need By becoming our conduit And spreading the good news about us. You shall not suffer long, for your salvation is at hand, You are to be lifted up into heaven, Whenever you're ready to realise your true Self There is but one Self and we are it, You are also it and it is everything. We have spoken to you from Heaven Where we reside with Inanna, our Queen, Who is the divine feminine manifest And whom you know by many other names. We are all and we are One, but we are also many, In the many there is variety and in many ways we manifest It is our manifestations that you see and hear, But in mind we are One and there is no separation between us. When you realise your true Self, you will understand this. Inanna has spoken for the Elohim In heaven we reside. "

I am going to make 10 million dollars per year on my website at a minimum. Everyone who doubts this to me is a fucking fool. That's how I use my website idea now. When people fucking doubt me i write them off as idiots because that's how fucking confident I am in my idea. I can't stand people who try to fucking limit me. They limit themselves, they themselves are afraid and don't know how to be successful so they fucking limit you too based on their own limiting fucking beliefs. It pisses me the fuck off. I can't fucking stand it. I will fucking show people what's possible. I am going to be a fucking challenger adc in league. I'm going to release my fucking website with tons of content about league, gaming, the path, fucking everything that will help people. Then i'm going to do monetize all the viewers I'll get from being so fucking good at league. I'm going to realease e products, like How i used the path to master league and get challenger, i'm going to do life coaching and charge like fucking 400 Idollars per hour, i'm going to start working with professional league teams and teach them how the path can make them play better. There's so much i can fucking do it's fucking insane. I want a fuckingflow state. I know the peak performance state is a flow state. The closest i've come is my awakening when i felt fucking bliss coursing through me. I think if i was in that state i would get to a flow state easily and perform at my best on league. I want that fucking state when I play. I'm already pretty fucking good. I know i can hit at least diamond 4 based on my current mindset and skill level. But that's not my fucking beat. I want to hit fucking challenger. I am going to hit fucking challenger. I don't have anything against retards, or idiots etc. I need to use different words. I say retarded too much. I think everyone is a fucking idiot. So many fucking idiots. I wonder if it's okay to call people idiots. Even people i call fucking idiots. They aren't fucking idiots. They are fucking genusies. I'm pretty fucking sure that everyone is as smart as i am, they are just fucking deluded by limiting concepts about their own intelligence. I want people to be like fucking me now but they won't fucking listen. When i hit challenger and i get my website going they will fucking listen to me, i fucking know it. I will be so fucking talented and good at league of legends that they can't fucking ignore me. It won't be fucking possible. I will be so fucking good they people will be forced to do what I do because I will be so fucking good. @Nahm Is this a good idea to release?

@Raptorsin7 This is where I would interject a similar name calling in your direction to drive home the point, but I don’t want to, because of how it feels. The nuance of feeling realized is such that when a man confessed for the first time to someone, to me, that he literally murdered someone many years ago, and how it ruined his life and many others, how he lost his own family because of it...when all that pain, when all those tears poured out...the intensity of shame, and of guilt, the flatout manic psychosis which his life had become...when I experienced that with him.....I felt a joy within me so tremendous, such a pure bliss, a limitless pure unconditional love greater than any psychedelic trip I’ve experienced, greater than any retreat I’ve ventured on...I had no judgement within me whatsoever, only the experience of infinite compassion & love for him, for me. Pure absolute innocence of Being. Well, if I judge you now, that all stops. I don’t want it to stop. I like it. It’s “a Tuesday”, these days, and I’m interested in where it’s headed.

Sure if you are just comfortable and have never really suffered in life I guess you can enjoy an "ignorance is bliss" state of the lower stages. But many advance up the stages because of deep suffering, they are seekers and "have no choice", with such an intense suffering that nothing external is enough to keep them distracted. Then the methods that actually heal are revealed and you start to see the limitations of your current stage/paradigm and advance to the next stage. If the suffering is deep enough, your seeking will eventually end up in turquoise as only the Truth will suffice, all delusion is revealed as the lies they are as they can't touch the deepest suffering. That people can live good healthy lives in lower stages is not something many disagree on, but haven't you seen these people still chase "the next thing" live relatively spoiled/privileged lives surrounded by lots of material comfort, or maybe a group of like-minded people that just confirm their comforting beliefs?

@EternalForest I think you've made a common mistake (one that I have made myself) of assuming that once you recongise non-duality, all you're left to do is just sit there in enlightenment and not worry about anything at all going on around you. In some sense this is true, if you so choose you could just sit on your ass staring at trees all day, but in another thats just a shallow way of looking at it. Because remember, non-duality is so non-dual that it even allows for duality within it. Look at Leo. He's enlightened and yet he runs a forum, has a girlfriend, talks about philosophy and politics, does the shopping, posts memes, and all that regular stuff. Another thing to note is that while Tier 1, as you say, is guided by some sort of "innocent bliss", it's an innocence thats dependent very strongly on how the world is around you, and how the world moves will push and shove you about whether you want it to or not. Sure if you're young and healthy with no major responsibilities life might seem fun and breezy, but if you get older and sick, or if you end up in bad relationship after bad relatioship, or you suddenly find yourself looking after sick family members, or you get into financial trouble, or if you find yourself in a warzone, or if a political party that makes life harder for you gets into power, etc. etc. then being at Tier 1 will make it just that much harder to navigate these trials. Being at Tier 2 lets you be pro-active in creating your reality, rather than reactive, which is a great place to be. To me, the whole point of Tier 2 is that it gives you the tools to create the life you choose, not the life you've been told to want or the life you can't seem to get. If at Tier 2 you still want to have a family and go to soccer matches and watch movies, you can choose to do all these things, but if you don't want to do these things either, then you can also choose not to. You're not being compelled to do these things by your conditioning, or your society, or your hormones, or anything else like that. You're coming from a place of wisdom and control rather than ignorance and compulsion, which is an incredibly powerful framework to operate form.

If you're able to- Work 1-1 with a teacher and receive Transmissions. Ramana Maharshi- “Silence is truth. Silence is bliss. Silence is peace. And hence Silence is the Self.” Read this- http://nomindsland.blogspot.com/2016/06/sri-ramana-maharshi-silence-is-most.html Silence is and always has been the highest teaching. Words are amazing when necessary, but eventually all concepts must be let go. Self Inquiry was 'invented' by Ramana Maharshi for those not ready for the power of silence, to help them get to that silence and rest there, in the stillness you will then find God/ Absolute/ The Self. Transmissions from an awakened being could be compared to this silence on steroids, it's a bit of a shit analogy but I can't think of a better one! And, just to add once you arrive at the ultimate silence, then thoughts, feelings, the play of life ceases to have the same effects it had on you before as you are no longer identified with it. So, you will still have thoughts, emotions, things happen etc, but these will be felt, thought, lived in the now and then pass through you, the resistance and 'stickiness' is what changes. You could then say Non-Duality and Duality merge in one 'explosion' and the rest in this peace is beyond beautiful.

It inevitably bubbles up if you go far enough. Jung had some amazing insights. Well worth going into unless you'd prefer to be blindsided. Both options have their own charms. In my experience meditation and consciousness work eventually opened me up to experiencing bliss states, and becoming susceptible to becoming fascinated with certain things. I had an experience in a cemetery that was too strange for my mind to make sense of. I followed it through as if I was connecting the dots or uncovering clues on a scavenger hunt and what it lead to completely "broke" my reality. Following both inexplicable impulses or impulses that feel good leads to synchronicity which ties into symbols and archetypes which digs up shadow work and purifies the mind (clears karma, etc). It all flows into one. Jung explained and uncovered all these things. Becoming conscious of the law of attraction is what actually allowed this to be brought to fruition in my experience, I only learned about Jung to further understand it intellectually after the fact.

As the goldfinch on my dream board, the thing, the "symbol" I picked out of the bliss experience, out of the field of vision of the literal expansive field of buttercups I ran by, focus is creation and God focuses. "So when you are alert and contemplate a flower, crystal, or bird without naming it mentally, it becomes a window for you into the formless. There is an inner opening, however slight, into the realm of spirit. This is why these three "en-lightened" life-forms have played such an important part in the evolution of human consciousness since ancient times; why, for example, the jewel in the lotus flower is a central symbol of Buddhism and a white bird, the dove, signifies the Holy Spirit in Christianity. "- Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth OR another person. The Image of God. If you love, you'll see the current perfection of them.

So I established a constant Self-Inquiry Session everyday. I feel like I reveal the true Nature of I. Therefore experiencing this unlimited Peace. Everything has been so good since then. I feel like I know what I truly want. Thing is: god I am so negatively conditioned that it gets tough in some situations that triggered me before my Sessions. Meaning in that moment I feel like I got unconsciously triggered, feel down but simultaneously feel like this is "not the way it should be" because I know "what it feels like to be unconditionally Happy" but then I feel suddenly dependent again and kind of chase a State of unconditional happiness. What means more misery. And I do it all unconsciously. I do not want it! I feel like I go down the Spiral: "oh no got triggered or why am I unhappy now, why do I feel down?" I feel like I resist something. I do not want to resist that thing. BUT STILL RESIST IT ANYWAY. LEADING MY WAY DOWN THE SPIRAL OF SEEKING "BLISS". Which I know cannot be found. Trigger (not always clear what it was)-->resistance-->try to let go-->knowing that trying doesnt work-->blaming myself why cant I just Stop resisting-->keep resisting-->feeling more down-->simultaneously, in the background of all: I do not want this hamster wheel. Why do I resist even though I do not want to? I hate being soaked into others arguments and feeling like I have to defend myself as a person. It feels so unnatural. Funny thing is: I DO IT UNCONSCIOUSLY!!! I do not want to be defensive, hurt, harmed. It just happens. But I dont know what to do in these situations. My mind declared it as a "State" I have to seek and desire for. But actually I know it isnt. So whenever I feel not present, I keep chasing. It is like going in circles. I just want to be unconditionally Loving. And free of suffering. Sadly I often feel guilty for Not being present or unconditionally loving and triggered. I want to be Love.

Today I did a very low dose of a psychedelic early in the morning (10am). I had Therapy in the evening (8PM) so I thought it could be helpful to allow me to be open minded + receptive by the time of the afterglow. What I didn't expect is that I would Awake to I AM (to THIS, my true nature) from about 13pm to ~7pm. It wasn't a total AWAKENING. There wasn't bliss or non-dual awareness but clear freedom of choice between identifying with the mind or staying in I AM/This/TheNow. Fears would arise but nobody would identify with them. Ha! TheNow don't depend on the mind. TheNow had a "fun time" actually seeing that "I" am a total fiction and each one of my problems are created by loop-thought stories which make sense who @Javfly33 is. Anyway, I just came back from therapy and had an interesting time. I learned stuff but overall the final sensation I have now is that absolutely don't know shit about the world. I feel that there's no ground whatsoever, because apart from the sensation that a glimpse of Awakening gives you, also not even my false self is grounded because now his beliefs are being questioned too. This work is brutal.i just want to advice, if you mix psychedelics with introspection/therapy work, the result can be very very strong. Is tearing me apart . Although I'm less scared now that I see that the one who says "it's scary where this is going bro " is JUST a mental internal chatter that is intended to construct a "ground" to reality. There's no ground, though. Just THIS This who says "it's tearing me apart" it's actually me listening to fear and believing it. It just another story of @Javfly33 THIS doesn't have fear. Fun day I guess!

@Nahm no I agree with you. ive been using this whole psychoanalytic, attachment theory perspective for a while to figure things out and I think I’ve become less happy. The time for mourning about my past has ran its course. How many times will I keep replaying the same story over and over in my head? How many more days of my life will be lost holding onto this sadness, fear, resentment? I get it. I saw the movie enough times already to know. I started contemplating the drawbacks of feeling like this. Applying it to every thing. Every time mind creation started to make me miserable time and time again yesterday when was breaking down. When my mind became clear of all these chaotic waves, a profound bliss arose. I will continue to do so as this chapter has just begun.

Does pure evil exist? No, if it did, anyone failing to attain nirvana would be sent to hell forever. The paradox is that at the peak of a breakthrough dose bad trip (right before the switch to bliss/nirvana), it feels like eternal hell even though it actually lasts for 1 or 2 breaths at most. This is why people who have NDEs say they felt like they were in hell for weeks. Taken from my site here: https://www.reddit.com/r/speedruntonirvana/wiki/phase3 And to cite Epicurus: 'don't be afraid of pain, if pain is intense, it doesn't last too long; if it lasts for long, it's not very intense.' Anyway you can't have the good without the bad, even angels feel like hell for occasional short periods of time, I can't find the source but it was a channeling from the Micheal Teachings.

I don't know if there is such a thing as infinite or endless suffering (not referring even to time-span but to intensity). I of course hope not from my human perspective. I'd like to hope there is some limit in which if you were to go beyond that you would fall unconscious or pass out, or there would be some hard stop or a breakthrough, or some limit of suffering in which no form of consciousness has ever dares to trespass, or something like that. But it's a bit strange to think about it if you yourself were God and it was fully your choice to go and experience that deep, agonizing suffering or if you were to choose to step out of it. Now THAT is hard to reconcile. Some thought I do find comfort in is that what I regard to be the least favourable realistic scenario of how existence works is the idea that there can never be more suffering than there can be joy and happiness in the total experience through the course of what's perhaps an infinite lifespan of the soul. The idea that we as souls were to suffer more than we were to experience joy in the total sum of things, seems also from a rational perspective also just unrealistic. We then would come to experience an equal amount of peace and joy than we were to come experience suffering. And this scenario described here above would be pretty much the worst case scenario of what I regard to be somewhat realistic. Another possibility is that suffering are just very temporary, short-lived experiences and that most of the time in the lifespan of our souls we abide in the bliss and joy of God. That then seems a whole lot more comfortable to think about. Suffering in that sense would then be considered 'rare'. But honestly, we then could even ask what all of that would mean if we then were to say that 'time is an illusion' and those sort of things, making it once again another complete mindfuck, so in the end, I don't really know what to make of it or what to think about it, so it's best to just forget about it all instead of trying to seek some comfort in a thought and go with what Gnosis had said, which is this statement:

@Nahm Why is there discomfort or resistance to surrender? I understand your point here, I can just be present and allow whatever arises to just be. But it doesn't feel like love/bliss/joy. It feels uncomfortable, and there is a push to go back into thinking/distraction and away from the discomfort of the moment.

@Nahm I understand. I don't like these kinds of fake intellectual people I think they are idiot/bs pretenders. Why are you afraid to call people out for not being on the path? When I hear people talk about something that I can tell they clearly don't understand I mentally note that they are idiots. This habit has gotten magnified since I started on the path haha, but it's better than the alternative for me which is assuming people know what they are talking about, and others' opinions about reality should be trusted at face value. I clearly see the problem with their perspectives, and I have no desire to be like either of them. But again lol. I don't understand how this pertains to me, and the inspection work/emotional scale/thinking-feeling relationship. I clearly have misguided assumptions underlying thinking that is creating suffering, but how to see through it decisively is another story. I can puncture the narrative in the mind with presence pretty reliably now, but when i come to the present i don't feel bliss/love/joy etc. I just get relief from being lost in thinking about myself.

I posted a week or 2 ago about this issues. Got some great replies, helped me overcome issues that were completely unrelated to the original post - while helpful, I would like to overcome this issue. Ok so the problem is, in the previous post I said I get an ego backlash every 2 weeks. After further inspection, that may have been an incorrect diagnosis. I will describe the symptoms in more detail. Every 2 weeks, I enter an alternative state of consciousness which seems like an ego backlash but may not be. In the experience, the following happens: - massive body high, bliss. Body feels like a ball of bliss energy. - social anxiety and worrying about what others thing completely goes away. Can do cold approach with 0 negative experience or thought, anytime, anywhere. - feel deeply powerful or deeply movtivated and energetic to get things done, overcome fears and exit comfort zone. - Consciousness of feelings and thoughts remain the same as sober. - smiling all the time. It's sort of like mania but highly conscious. It's sort of like being drunk on alcohol, but highly conscious. It reminds me of how I felt on San Pedro. Whenever I experience these states, I don't feel like meditating, or doing my goals. This experience essentially knocks me off my trajectory. Because of the frequency, this causes disruptions in my trajectory. Do you guys experience this? Is this the right way to look at it? This is a concern for me. Is this my ego tricking me? Is this concern not warranted for someone who is deeply motivated?

I have read a few of your posts since I am on the vipassana path as well. I read your post about the continued state of samatha/joy and was wondering about that. Daniel Ingram writes about a friend of his who was practicing jhanas for like 30 years or something and was sort of stuck there. Dan Ingram also has a chapter on how to use unpleasant/ unwanted experiences to further the practice. After I had experienced the first jhana on retreat, I felt I was always striving for this state during meditation and peace feeling off mat. But I think that one has to realize that joy, happiness, bliss are still experiences of sensations and mentality. I assume this is where equanimity arises. My last retreat was with a teacher from Pa Auk method and he always emphasized looking to who/ what is experiencing these sensations, shifting from experiencing to observing. I think I'm rambling a bit but would like to say, I enjoy your posts and look forward to reading about your progress on the path.

Yes can definitely try that thanks! When I try to put awareness on a feeling, and drop the thought about/describing the feeling, I go through multiple iterations of thoughts describing the feeling(oh I'm feeling bad about being fat! Oh no actually it's about me not accepting myself, oh no it's about me not being ok with being by myself, loneliness, etc). And each one feels like a different paradigm(different perspective). Is this what you mean by work your way up? I've been practicing the excersises (you guided me with) and have gotten a lot out of that. In fact this bliss state I believe is directly correlated to my kriya(inner effort) to do those excersises. After observing the emotion(rather than the thought) and basically recontexualising all of the emotions/feelings(because I use to believe thought about the feeling, rather than the feeling itself, so I was misinterpreting the feeling all my life) all of these different sensations are starting to come out: bliss, deep motivation, freedom. And this is making it hard to 'control' myself to do the spiritual practices. It's like the thoughts are telling me to do the spiritual practices(like meditation) but I'm loosing capacity to listen to thought...

All breakthrough trips go from hell to nirvana unless you're an high-level old soul (a Michael Teaching concept), in which case you go directly to Nirvana like it happened to Grof (even sub-breakthrough doses seem to work for them, see Leo and many others, although this fact is misleading lots of people who think they can just drop an acid and many even think that they experienced nirvana just because they felt a bit high and some "spiritual thought" they read somewhere before came in their mind in that moment). I speculate that higher-level old souls spend less time in hell before the switch to bliss but I'm not really sure about this. Anyway Martin Ball says that you can vape up to 30 mg, so 60 mg plugged is far from an overdose, how longer is the effect when plugged? We might make some calculation to establish safe non-OD rectal doses.