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Bufo alvarius is passing by to wish you a birthday full of nothingness ?

Clarity of the mind. meditation makes me more intelligent. It opens my mind up to a while new world. I realized I was doing meditation on autopilot so I switched to actually being mindful and my god. The effects are completely different. I realized that my mind is not grasping these old concepts. I was about to go on autopilot again and I caught myself. I realized the concepts, the context. My whole personality shifted. I dropped limiting beliefs so easily. Basically I became a whole new person, yet who is this person I identify with? Haha. I am noticing why my life was so amazing. I was aware of the traps and it’s so easy to shed limiting beliefs when you become more conscious. I feel like my old self. Reality is amazing. Love and light. Nothingness and everything. I’ve had a few glimpses of non duality. One happened from someone on this forum that ended up being banned, which is kinda funny. I loved reading his posts however much I saw faults in them... well, that’s only after it was processed through me. Unconscious biases *bleh*.... so, he was speaking how there is no separation and awareness. Where does the line get drawn on what makes us, us. He created this long post on this and how if he can even help one person realize this he is happy and it’s funny cause I was that one person. The depth he went into triggered something in me and all of a sudden everything started merging. There was no “I” “table” etc. there was only “this”. Everything was consciousness. Granted I only got a few second glimpse before it faded and it was about a year ago. I loved what Leo said how we may not keep these states however they are forever intergrated unto our psyche. there is so much to become aware of that I have no idea. Every time my awareness raises I always respond the same way. I am aware that you just don’t see it the same way or understand what there is to understand until you experience a shift. Well, love and light! ✌️

@WhatAWondefulWorld Yep. Everything you become aware of is you. When you perceive an object the object is becoming aware of itself. You do not have awareness, awareness has you. In order for creation to be limitless and infinite its substance must also be limitless and infinite, that is why it is ultimately made of absolutely nothing. Nothingness is infinite and it has no limiting characteristics. It's like when you imagine something in a dream, it's made of nothing but you can still perceive it.

@Osaid pure awareness, absolute nothingness. God.

Yeah it's the part that cannot ever feel loved. It's a wound of Self-hatred. Hate for existence, hate for the external world and hate for the internal world. This generates self-doubt and the endless search for love in various ways (achieving success, hot women, personal development.. and lots of other ways that are partly corrupted by this). Feeling into the Self-Hatred (a horrific gift as Gangaji states) one can realize the "Body of Christ". The objectless awareness/Nothingness carries this core wound. Where this duality collapses, the "unforgivable" is forgiven, the "unlovable" is loved... to death. Enjoy your high brother

Some Background I have been doing Kriya Yoga since the beginning of 2019 and also started working with psychedelics last year, and a steady-daily meditation practice for more than two years now. I also like to do some other practices like Hatha and Yin Yoga. I had some powerful awakenings in previous trips, but this one is the biggest/deepest one yet I have experienced. For a couple of months now, I incorporated Yoga Fire technique to my Kriya Yoga practice. Since then I also started to notice an increase in energy I feel, I also started listening the sound of Om and the Chakras more intensively and feel as if some energy is building-up at the top of the head. The Trip Medicine: 200 ug of 1P-LSD Intention: What is God? What is Death? Why am I so afraid of tripping? I made all the preparations and took the medicine around 7:30 on an empty stomach. Normally I have to wait about an hour to start feeling the effects of LSD, but this time I started to feel the come-up after 30 minutes. During the first moments it felt as if a lot of energy was moving through body sort of rewiring it. After some trips I can start to realize how this process is rewiring, like upgrading my body. I then started to get in sort of a mystical state. With almost no effort, the illusion of being a separate being from the world would rapidly fade, everything would start to become Luminous Emptiness, the white energy of Absolute Love. For a moment it was as if I could see outside the bubble of reality of my small-self, only the things that where around my field of view where in existence and everything outside this bubble was just nothing, just pure white energy. It was a state of consciousness I have never reached before, I felt infinite, total, loved, there was no time. And suddenly I had this very powerful mystical experience, as I was laying down concentrated looking at my finger tips. It was the first time that I could intentionally let go of the illusion of self. Little by little the sensations experienced by my body started to fade away, as I started getting dissolved in the great sea of Nothingness, as this was happening I felt complete, surrounded by unconditional Love. At one moment I was no more, I don't have the words to describe this experience. It felt as if I was returning home, a sensation of Completeness, Absolute Love, Compassion, Infinity, Total Serenity. And then little by little, just as it started the illusion of my small self started to form again in front of my eyes, as I was being reborn. I already had these sort of Samadhi experiences in the past, but this was the first time I could stay so long and so conscious in this state, being able to contemplate so deep as never before. It has never been so easy for me to tear the illusion of Maya. After every awakening, I also realized how I am getting more conscious, is like the field of awareness keeps expanding. I got some powerful visions, but deep inside I knew that it was all an illusion. After a couple of hours on this God-mode I got some ego-backslash, I felt a strong need to get grounded on the illusion of reality I am normally used to be. It can be very shocking and frightening when the reality starts to melt in front of you and when you realize that the idea you have of the world and yourself is false and then you awaken to your real Self. It was as I suddenly wanted to forget everything I just had seen but, that what has been seen cannot be unseen. This made me realize why I always find it so hard to do the work, the ego finds always excuses to postpone tripping. It is because with every trip the illusion of what I think I am has to die in order to awaken to the true Self. Its like a sacrifice where we offer the illusion of oneself. But it also feels great, awesome to awaken to the true Self. It feels more real, is just Being Truth. It was also the first time I stopped being afraid of dying. I have never felt like this on psychedelics before, it was as if some line of code would suddenly be erased in the mind and I became fearless. The psychedelic also showed me for the first time with so much clarity some of my shadows. At that moment I realized that they are just false ideas projected on to something/someone. Conclusions and Questions With every trip I feel as if I am getting aligned with a higher consciousness. I understood and felt the dangers of this work, as I suddenly became so fearless. With every trip I feel more and more committed to this work. I love getting mind-fucked, I love remembering my true Identity. I love all the insights I get. It also makes me appreciate everything more deeply, every moment of life. Does anybody can also hear/feel the Om and the Chakras? Is this like some sort of Kundalini awakening? I would be very grateful if you can point me in the right direction where I can find more information about this. As always, thanks you so much for reading this post. Thanks to @Leo Gura for his amazing teachings and to all the great community of actualized.org! Namaste.

You are implying the notion of time itself is imaginary therefore there is no such thing as a past before consciousness. While it should be accurate, I think we can explore further ideas. We say consciousness always existed because the concept of existence itself depends on it. It's clear that a relative point of view is required: What if an hypothetical outside observer, beyond the realm of possibilities, could report any state of "being" and "not being". Would it be able to identify an origin to the singularity? It's tricky since we are reasoning outside of time, but let's just assume. Not to mention, before this topic is submerged in dual noises, how is non-existence impossible for God when it's already as absurd as existence itself? Does God memorize all the forms it creates or everything is forgotten when the relativity is gone? Does God know how to "be" or "stop being"? Is this correct to assume God wants to live since this is exactly what Love is? Is eternity only an issue for my selfish self or it's also troublesome for God as a whole? Even if the answers could be exposed by the state of nothingness, it probably is still interesting to review them. Reality itself is designed in opposition to truth, so actual understandings always help to dismantle the tangle we are trapped in. Also it might be the only chance to experience the illusion of sharing mutual emotional states about it which is fun. I've tried waking up, but my ego is pretty thick for some reason. It readily handles high-dose psychedelics. I'm thinking meditation practice and sustained effort toward selfless awareness should help.

Last night I had a glimpse of ego death or the transition of it. It left me speechless for a good 15 - 20 minutes. The transition was amazing but more terrifying than so. Being Mindful It was in the early evening when I decided I was going to spend the rest of the night meditating. As the night settled in it was already raining and I was on my bed, sitting cross legged and just being in the present. The rain got heavier, and I struggled to hear my breathing. Then, instead of focusing on my breath, I decided to close my eyes and focus on the sound of the rain. This gradually led me to focus my attention on the entire auditory field, and before I even knew it I was completely absorbed by the present moment. Grounded in the present, I was observing everything there was to observe of sound. I was completely immersed in June listening and listening alone. This was me for the next hours and hours. During this session I really became aware of the impermanence of reality, listening to every change, every end and every beginning of rhythm, melodies and what I imagined to be the voices of nature. And there more I deepened my awareness the broader my attentiveness became, I could hear things that I knew were coming from afar. Completely in the present, absorbed by the auditory field, with my attention feeling on max, I could feel my body expanding. All of a sudden I wasn't hearing the sounds anymore, I was making them. They were no longer happening out there anymore, I was observing them within me. My body was no longer localized, instead of listening to this field I became the field. My body became the consciousness in which everything appears/transpires. I didn't think this, I just know it, and I was in awe. But just when I thought things were starting to get weird, I wasn't thinking anymore, thoughts were happenings in me. The sound of my thoughts couldn't be differentiated from the sounds of the auditory field which was now my body. With my body being consciousness, I became hyper aware of reality, I began to notice the smog of illusion that filled existence, I became aware of infinity. There was no such thing as finite, finite was imaginary. There was no ending of things because there was no beginning of anything. Everything was unified, there was just existence and no existing thing other than that being imagined. All this just dawned on me during the session. But the more I realised stuff the more thoughts began to arise and fall, rise and fall, everything that occurred.. happenings, resembled a wave. And thoughts just kept on coming and I just observed, and before I even knew it - I could see. The Glimpse There was sight, a whole entire different view even, it was still the sight of my room. The scene had changed suddenly and things were gone, the rain was gone, sounds were gone, thoughts were gone, and sudden as the struck of thunder.. I was gone. The view was there, as it would normally be, with the sight of a body perspective. But I was not the body, I mean I was but not localized, the body was just a part of me. I was everything, I was all of it. Turning and looking around, I wasn't turning and looking around.. all of that was a happening inside of me. I was the canvas, the field, I was the nothingness of it - and I was dead. The moving picture was me, it was all just a unit, a unified happening. There was no self-orientated thought, no self-referent thought, no I. And it was amazing, it was peaceful because it all meant nothing.. it was meaningless. But as amazing as that was, it terrified me, the meaninglessness of it struck terror in the little peace of what was left of me in the scene. I started kicking in, I realized that I wasn't breathing, I realized the dead silence of existence and I panicked. I thought, I thought as much as I could, started imagining a me, a self in the scene. I imagined as hard as I could, making mental noise as much as possible, until I finally appeared. But it was still clear that my appearance was phantom. It didn't matter, I hung on desperately to that illusion and believed it was me.. I did that until it became real. I woke up. I opened my eyes and the first thing I noticed was me. I had fallen asleep, it was just a dream. My world was back, the sounds, the sight, the sensations and thoughts, they were all back. But that dream... What kind of a dream was it? It seemed like a casual dream but also felt like that one if a deep sleep, like it was dreamless. I looked at the time and it wasn't even 11pm yet, it was still around 22h00 and I had only slept for what I suspect to be a minute or two. I had had a dream that felt like it lasted for eternity only to wake up and find out I had drifted off from my meditation for a good minute or so. That dream... Although it was just a dream it felt like the truth. I had felt one with everything, like everything was my body. I couldn't even see a thing there, it was all just one thing, a unity.. it was whole and it was me. Like I said, it was amazing and beautiful, but too much to accept on one fell swoop. It was a glimpse. A transition that didn't reach it's end. Just thinking about what could have happened if I had just accepted the truth on one big go.. leaves me speechless. What if I had died in that dream? What if I had never woken up again? But what if I had woken up and I had woken up awakened? It was just too great to accept at one go, alright! That's all it was. You get terrified because there's nothing you can attach yourself to, and because of that.. it dawn's that your entire life was nothing but a story, a figment of your imagination. And just like that, it dawn's to you that you were never alive, ETERNITY Dawns. That's some heavy shit to accept on one go, you'll resist, and that's what happened.. I resisted. But I'm grateful for this experience because now, for the first time ever, I have an idea of what to expect from this work.

You experiences some pretty hefty nonduality during your trip nothing is what you are the chemical lsd isnt real you imagined that you woke up to yourself as nothingness lsd is in the nothingness.a good way to look at infinity is to ask yourself what is not included in infinity? There is no beinging or end nothing outside of it there is endless creation in nothingness

https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/ I'm looking at these stats and getting around a 3.3% death rate from reported suicides. I assume these numbers can be way off in either direction because of inaccurate attempts and inaccurate deaths by suicide. I might be wrong but I would guess my own success rate would be carefully planned and 100%, but who knows. I'm honestly wondering though if the thought of pain is the main reason people are unsuccessful? I often wished of a state of Nirvana/nothingness, but do not want to experience the thought of physical pain, the pain of others because of my action, etc.

So I am not blind (at least I don't think I am ), but I have been thinking about this issue in pursuing Consciousness. If one has lost their sight, hearing, feeling, or all sensations, how does one pursue Consciousness? I guess that no matter what sensations you lose in life, you will still have consciousness, awareness, and thoughts. So what I am trying to figure out is if I am blind, it is as if the Visual World ceases to exist. Do the loss of sensations prevent or inhibit one from becoming enlightened? How do psychedelic trips affect blind and deaf people? Are there any limits to Consciousness if one loses their sensations? What does it even mean to say that you are Consciousness when you are not and cannot be aware of any sensations or anything in the world? I understand from distinguishing Actuality from Concept that if I am blind then my Visual World (with colors, shape, objects) ceases to exist for me. But if the Visual World ceases to exist when you are blind, then why is it that you can still be harmed in it? Think of the 3rd movie of The Matrix: The Matrix Revolutions when Neo become "blind." Let's assume that he was actually blind. If there is no external world, how can Agent Smith have a chance of killing him? I am still trying to wrap my mind around this. Here is me trying to understand. Please point out my flaws in trying to distinguish actuality from concept: I realize that this experience of typing on a computer is ACTUAL and the External World that I believe is outside my room and house is IMAGINARY. What is IMAGINARY can affect what is ACTUAL (such as a nuclear bomb hitting my house, which is also IMAGINARY). Since Consciousness divides itself, Neo is blind (a part of consciousness) and Agent Smith can see (also a part of consciousness). All that is going on with Agent Smith harming Neo when Neo is blind is Consciousness interacting with Consciousness. But from Neo's perspective, Agent Smith is a figment of his imagination, yet this imagination of Smith is a reality that Neo has to deal with. Neo is imagining the visual image of Smith, but when Smith talks, Neo hears the ACTUALITY of his voice. Sound arises out of Nothingness and passes away in Nothingness in the same way that Neo's sight and existence came from Nothingness and in the end when he died, Consciousness merged back into Nothingness. Since Consciousness is infinite, it can infinitely divide itself giving it the appearance of an external world. But I notice that there really is no Neo and is no Agent Smith. These are just fictional characters and identities appearing in Consciousness. I am IMAGINING IT! In the same way that Consciousness imagines that it is a human being, it imagines that it is blind and that it is fighting Agent Smith. It is almost seems like the Life is one gigantic Dream or Video Game in which Consciousness (the content and structure of the dream) is imagining and interacting with other consciousnesses that are just divisions of itself interacting with itself? LMAO!! I feel like I am crazy and I may be crazy. But keep in mind though that Delusion and Crazy may be the default levels of everybody. It is unraveling this delusion and fantasy that leads one to Truth. But if our society is built on bullshit, lies, and delusion, then what is the Truth will be seen as delusion, bullshit, and lies from a delusional point of view?

@Leo Gura If everybody was the same, that would be true. I am psychotically conscious, if I am not obsessively focussing on something that is useful, I am obsessively focussing on things that aren't usefull at all, and identifying as those things. I am also not a newbie, I have perceived the nothingness and samadhis without decades of training. So just suppose I am advanced enough for advanced techniques. Never took psychedelics and I don't want to in the near future because of my psychotic nature. Currently I am doing Shinzeng Youngs do nothing technique during the day: whenever the intention to control things come up I give up that intention. So I am sure I would be able to accomplish the easy kind of meditation throughout the day. I would also say that I am too conscious of things, and whenever I notice too much, it drives me crazy. So how can I meditate whenever I have too much brain RAM available.

@r0ckyreed The method I used to first discover nothingness is this: astral project (have an out of “body” experience) then repeat “non dual state now” until your body shatters and you will see what remains. Another word you can try is “zen guru”. It takes a while to learn how to astral project but once you learn it is very useful and fun.

Yeah you really just need to contemplate what an object is(like a coke bottle) and realize you can never get to the bottom of what it is(Nothingness). Same with the self. Creation seems to form and exist simply by not inspecting it. The coke bottle exists so long as you dont contemplate what it is. The false self exists so long as you dont contemplate what it is. @Nahm yes the only reason why I'm taking this question seriously is because I think its True. But what if the question itself is imaginary.

So am I the empty nothingness that is pure awareness or am I the perceptions in my perceptual field? Or something else?

From my own limited POV, the Void, or Nothingness is just a neutral, non-existent mental psychological concept, which allowed God Consciousness to give birth to its “self”. Think of the Void as a blank canvas used by painters, it is a blank infinite space, with No conscious thoughts, ideas, imagination, beliefs, textures, and sensations, and so on. Out of this Void, or nothingness, a thought manifested and gave birth to consciousness. From this one thought, an orgasmic explosion of thoughts occurred creating an infinite psychological gestalt of thoughts, ideas, imagination etc., that we call God Consciousness. This explosion and expansion of consciousness continues into infinity with the innocents of a child wanting to explore its beingness, using imagination, creativity, compassion and Love. From this limited POV, we/I will never fully grasp the full magnitude of the Void or Nothingness, and I don’t believe it is really necessary from our POV to understand it beyond a blank canvas that God Consciousness creates its infinite master pieces on. Consciousness and awareness, on the other hand, is a worthwhile endeavor to explore! IMHO

I can comprehend Leo's explanation of absolute infinity. It's what you are, it's what I am. However I have a question about creation itself. Perhaps there are folks here that may have some insight. So it seems like there is a designer designing (ex. meticulously each arm hair) since infinite imagination allows for that. However, isn't nothingness just an infinite empty clay where absolutely everything can be already found? Everything is already existing and is contained within this nothingness, before even the thought or need for creation . So if everything can be found why would anything need to be created in the first place? Why would anything need to be invented? This is mysterious to me. I just want to understand what God is more vividly. Maybe this question is irrelevant because strange loops aren't meant to be explainable. However, to who's reading please share your understanding. Is it a singularity which contains everything and it simply just needs to "be", OR is there a creative designer meticulously imagining everything and choosing distinctions/lifetimes within the void? That's my question.

Wow. So beautiful that it's truly infinite and can do that. Yet also so baffling that existence prevailed, even though it's possible to discover it being inevitable by design. I'v awakened to the idea that nothing and infinity are the same, yet no-matter how total the understanding becomes, there is this lingering mystery. For example, there is this burning desire to remember the moment when I imagined water, I want to know that moment intimately, the same way I know this moment. I want to get a familiar sense of the mechanics of creation, as I feel I was once conscious when I created everything. Even if I saw every nook and cranny of infinity I would still ask (as this ego) why is it natural for nothingness to be aware? What allows awareness to be? Does infinite intelligence work in a comprehensible way? It's clearly working, we are here, so there must be a "how" to how it's working, maybe it's too epic to grasp, but It can't not have a "way' it must be doing it in a certain fashion right? There must be some strange process that can be comprehensible at least to the infinitely intelligent itself. Although Leo did say, "It doesn't know how it's doing it", has anyone here ever felt what creating feels like?

‘You’ won’t have a firsthand experience of Nothingness or God, because ‘you’ does not ‘exist’ like ‘you’ think it does. And ‘you’ certainly can’t think your way there, since it is ‘transcendent’ of thought. It involves letting go / surrendering ‘you’ which not many ‘yous’ are willing to do because it is a form of dissolution. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an “i”. . . . This is a great question that can arise from a place of direct experience or that can arise from a mind trying to figure it out. Let’s take a peak and see what we’ve got. . . Looks like the orientation is a mind trying to figure stuff out by constructing sandcastles of speculation in the hope of creating a concrete structure. There is nothing wrong with building conceptual sandcastles to explain reality. The problem comes when the mind doesn’t realize it’s shifting sand and that form = formless. There is a realization of the substance of sand itself and that realization doesn’t arise when the mind is captivated by efforts to create stable form. There is no instruction manual with steps to take. There are many variables involved. I could tell you what works for me, yet I’ve discovered this through many years of practice and self experimentation. I don’t know if what works for me would work for you. I would suggest engaging in various practices and start paying attention. Let go of “what’s supposed to happen?”, “is this it?”, “what does xyz guru say about it?” type of mind activity. Engage in a practice and learn how to observe deeply. In particular, observe what resonates with you. You could explore practices like lucid dreaming, yoga, group meditation retreats, solo retreats, sensory deprivation tanks, psychedelics, self inquiry and on and on. Yet none will be effective if the mind is attached/identified. Insights arise when there is openness and space in the mind. We could create two forms of “knowing”. There is a “knowing” that assumes an external stable reality. For example, how do I know a foreign language? Well, I could study it, practice and learn it. Yet we could also create a different type of knowing. For example, how do you know that Now is Now? Do you wake up each morning wondering if Now is Now? Do you need to consult a physicist to provide you evidence that it is Now? Do you need to read theories to show you Now? Would engaging in thought stories reveal Now to you? Do you need a guru to verify to you that Now is Now? Of course not, because the knowing of Now comes *prior* to evidence and theory. This knowing is an implicit. One could try to describe it explicitly in linguistic thought constructs, yet this is not the ineffable actuality of Now.

Thanks everybody for all of your replies! I sincerely appreciate all of your help! How can I have a firsthand experience of Nothingness or God. I can kinda understand it, but I would much rather experience it for myself than to take on as a belief like you all stated. I have been contemplating a lot, but I am not sure how thinking about life will get me to the nature of life itself, God, Infinity, Non-dual Consciousness, etc. In addition, how can we know that consciousness or nothingness exists? Isn’t it circular to say that we know consciousness exists because it is the space of that which all knowledge and experience is possible? If this is the case, can consciousness know itself to exist? If everything known to exist can only take place in consciousness, then what does it mean for something to exist, let only for consciousness to exist? How can I have an experience or know the nature of this Void, Consciousness or Nothingness? Can this Void be known through contemplation? Meditation? How? How can I contemplate that which I have never experienced? I assume that I have not experienced nothingness or I am experiencing it right now? If so, how can I get this epiphany of my true nature? Thanks. Thank you!

@Meta-Man I tried to vape [...] eyeballed, I didn't take it seriously enough and ended-up wasting most of it. I didn't resist, didn't feel any pain or any fear, so I don't think it's a failure. I'm probably going to take it slow. Just, what am I? I don't even know anymore. The little I've experienced really felt toward absolute Nothingness and Love. I've used those symbols in my posts, but my foolish self didn't quite realize the massive scale of it. I mean, it makes sense. We are talking about a thing with such devotion it can keep itself out of non existence.

I think morality , and positivity, is mainly for calming the mind, as opposed to meditating with psychologically harmful behaviour, from there one can have the mental ground to realize non-daulity. Of course, everyone starts with duality, but when choosing duality, one should choose the one that makes you calm, and eliminates agitation, from there the realm of positive and negative is removed and one reaches non-duality. That's what I am saying. So this doesn't mean it is not a truth seeking mode. It is. It is just choosing one duality and slowly moving towards nothingness.

Me and my wife were gonna do mushrooms. The kids were away for the night and for the next morning as well which is rare for us, so it was a good window for consciousness to enter our lives. My original plan was for her to take a medium dose and for me to take a very light dose, so that I could sort of tune into her experience but still be fairly normal and take care of her. My idea of what was going to play out was something like this: I would re-connect with being, something I always enjoy, she would finally deal with a lot of fucking trauma and issues and neurosis that I think she's avoiding to deal with, there would be some tears but then things would get fun again and then as we had cleared ourselves we would have hot psychedelic sex, something I've always fantasized about but never experienced. Our love life has been really dry lately because of kids, careers and nasty arguments, so I saw this as the perfect remedy. The whole thing played out very differently. I prepared the mushroom tea. Around 3 grams of dried mushrooms for her and a little less than 2 grams for me. She was just finishing up some work in our home office. I gave her the cup with the brew so she could sip away as she was finishing her work. Last time she tried some it took over an hour before she noticed any effects so this time she even dared to drink it as she was on the phone with her boss, which we laughed a lot at later. I sat down to practice slide guitar while drinking my mushroom tea. Usually I do shamanic breathing before tripping, I use tingsha bells to start the ceremony, I prepare myself mentally several days before, I am very clear about my intention etc. This was the most casual I've ever been about taking a trip. I was going through my usual routine of slide guitar exercises. I was starting to feel effects after having finished about half of my cup. Sometimes I would forget what exercise I was doing, then I would remember and continue, then I would start playing something new and random, patterns that I've never played before that just emerged. I enjoyed that, but I also started to feel very sad. My wife was supposed to just finish up her work quickly, but she got a really long call and looking at my watch I realized that almost an hour had passed. I worried that she wasn't going to drink any of the brew, that I was on my own without her, and I really wanted this to be something we would do together so I got really sad and felt stupid for starting by myself. A lot of our conflicts for the past months have been that we struggle to do things together and she always gets triggered to work more to make sure she remains a top performer at her job. This was making me really sad, so I sat there and embraced the sadness. I allowed it to speak its message to me. I knew that I was creating the sadness by telling myself this story of how my wife thought her work was more important than our relationship when actually, I didn't know what she was doing. My connection with being got stronger and I stopped playing guitar completely and started to meditate and focus at my third eye. After a while I heard her laughing and enter the room I was in. I thought she was laughing at me because I had been laughing a lot at my guitar playing as I was practicing, because, well, I was on drugs. I turned around and I saw her with her pants by her feet, stumbling around like frankenstein's monster or something and laughing at herself. She told me there was no toilet paper so she had to go and get some. She was clearly affected and I felt extremely happy. She said something like: "what did you do to me!? This is much stronger than last time. I feel really dizzy." She actually had an important presentation for the next day but I told her that we would just take a little break and chill in the couch until things calmed down for her. She had finished about half of her cup too, and she said she wasn't gonna have anymore. We looked at the trees outside the window and talked about how annoying it must be to be a tree. It takes so long to move. As you are thinking about going somewhere, it takes years for you to actually get there. I started talking to her about how it's sort of similar for us humans, our mind always rushes ahead. I felt quite affected by the mushrooms but she said that I was completely sober and that I should have more. I then finished my cup. I don't remember exactly what we talked about but we laughed a lot and joked around. It was really nice to laugh together, it's something we never do nowadays, at least not as whole-heartedly. I wanted her to finish her brew but she didn't want to. I said that if she didn't finish it then I would, because mushrooms are very precious to me and I didn't want to waste a drop. "And then you'll have to take care of ME" I said. She told me that now I seemed to be getting very affected and she didn't want me to have any more but I started finishing her brew regardless, and she helped me chew up some of the remaining forest friends. We lay there in the sofa and looked through the window and laughed a lot and the sunset was making the trees change color into a beautiful glowy red. Things got more intense for both of us. We started feeling cold so we put a blanket on top of ourselves, and we both felt like it was more powerful to close our eyes. As she started tripping more seriously, she started talking a lot more, like a constant stream of consciousness monologue that I was hardly able to take in or comprehend. She was clearly in a flow and enjoying it, and this talking remained constant for the rest of her trip. What happened to me was that I got a vision of a big room with other beings in it, it looked a little like an Alex Grey painting. I felt like a lot of the sadness I carry came from that room. I've been wondering about why I get depressed sometimes, and the experience I got was that I'm sharing the sorrow of a group of higher beings, who mourn for the universe, something like that. This sadness of mine, in other words, isn't purely my own, it's a collective cosmic sadness that I am carrying together with other beings from another dimension. "Come back, what are you doing over there?" I heard my wife's voice say, and I realized I had sort of moved away from her and hidden my head under a pillow. I came back and I tried to tell her about my insight but I was already so affected that it was very difficult to speak. I had an awful feeling in my presence, I couldn't pinpoint it at first but as the trip went deeper I started to realize that I was remembering my learnings from my previous trip, where I had tapped into the highest states of consciousness that I've ever reached, a trip that had been extremely difficult for my ego. On that particular trip I had taken the ridiculous dosage of 10 grams, you can read all about it here. I never expected to get even close to that level this time, but it got just as real if not more, even though I had only taken something like 4 grams or so. My theory is that since I had already opened myself up to those higher states in a previous trip, it was a lot easier for me to just "get through the door" again. I remembered that I had imagined all of my life. That it wasn't real, it was an illusion. I remembered that there is no distinction between real and unreal, between sane and insane, and between me and anything else. Everything was a cosmic paradox where I had no control. I told my wife that I remembered something and that I felt a lot of fear, I couldn't really explain why though. We decided to go upstairs to our bed, since it has more space than our sofa. At times I felt ecstatic, it wasn't only pure horror, me and my wife still laughed a lot together, but at times I lost all grip of reality and couldn't tell what was real and what was insanity, and that made me feel like I was going insane, and it scared me so much. I knew that I was God. My eyes were automatically drawn up towards my third eye and my tongue was out and doing all kinds of crazy shit, like Venom in spider man or Toungey in Kung Pow, lol. Earlier in the trip I had thought that maybe the mushrooms will show me something new, they might help me meditate better, or make me progress in developing some new kind of spiritual skill. Now I felt like pure white light from the heart of god shot right into my brain like a death star beam, I was blasted with pure nondual energy and I felt more powerful than anything I could have ever imagined. The power of realizing that I am God and that I can imagine whatever I want to be real, how could anything beat that? It's just so fucking ridiculously unbeatable. Before it happened I wouldn't even have been able to think of the existence of such an almightyness, and now I felt how the core of my being was being bombarded with this purest form of consciousness. I laughed and shook in the bed. I constantly found myself turning away from my wife which bothered me since I had seen this as a bonding thing. At times we connected, I tried to look at her and speak with her but I was just so overwhelmed by the levels of consciousness I was reaching, the downloads I was getting and the implications of it all. At one point I told her that I was shiva, haha, she said that it's so typical of men not to listen to women, and she told me that now is the time for women to rise. I said yeah sure, you can do that, it may be your time, but I'm just not very interested because I'm a man and I'm interested in man stuff. We were arguing but in a really sweet and teasing way, like, the loving way an old married couple sometimes complain at each other (we've been married for three years). I really felt a pure cosmic polarity between us, how we were embodying the divine masculine and the divine feminine, especially since at that time it was like I was the only man that existed and she was the only woman that existed. I don't remember too much from what happened up in the bed, I know we stayed under the sheets and giggled a lot, and we didn't have sex, we were way too affected, but after a while things started settling down. We both felt hungry but too affected to do anything about it. I started to ask her if she could bring me soup that I had prepared that was ready on the stove, she didn't want to. After I had asked her a couple of times we decided it was time for us both to go down to the kitchen and eat. In the kitchen I immediately sat down at a chair, very weak and unable to do much, I kept getting insights and I kept being amazed and fascinated by reality and getting lost in it. She heated some pizza leftovers, made me some sandwiches because she didn't like the look of the soup I had prepared. Then she sat down on the opposite side of the table and we talked to each other. She said something about our kids and I looked at her and said: "You are all my children." She said: "Stop talking as if you were God" but I couldn't. It was amazing to realize this. As I was talking to her, I saw how I was creating all of reality. I saw how it, in this very moment, was being created by me, upheld by my divine magic, as a perfect illusion. Like a white shimmer at the edges of my visual field. My wife was talking about this report that she needed to get done tomorrow morning for work, and "how could I have done this to her, how could she finish it in this state", but I couldn't care less about it, because I saw that I was just imaginig all of this, and I had created her and her report. I don't remember all of our conversation but she said she was disappointed in God, he was basically a self-centered wise-cracking guy who laughed in her face constantly. She asked if I had any wisdom to share with the World. I thought for a moment and then I told her: "You can tell them... The one who is asking the question and the one who answers is the same person. They ARE what they SEEK. They are me. the beginning and the end." "That doesn't mean anything," she said. "Tell them that ANYTHING can become ANYTHING at ANYTIME." It was so clear and amazing to me that I was a field of pure potentiality, that time was an illusion, everything could happen at anytime at my will, the will of the All, and did so too. I told her there was nothing else outside of me. Nothing else but this, and I knew it was real, and it was so amazing to see that so clearly. This was some friggin' Christ consciousness level shit. All of this amused me and amazed me a lot and I enjoyed it. Occassionally I got back into seeing that my entire life was something that I had just imagined, I could see how the kitchen I was in could morph into the kitchen in my mom's appartment when I was young, and that as soon as I stopped looking at a part of the kitchen, that part ceased to exist. All the memories I had and all the people I cared about were illusions, they didn't exist at all. My kids didn't exist, my mom didn't exist. I could see how it was all just a game I had played on my self to make me forget that I am God, and that was the most horrifying thing to my ego. What was the point of trying to grow myself spiritually, what was the point of trying to help people, what was the point of trying to master slide guitar? It was all just me fooling myself that I'm not God. That's ALL IT IS. God has been doing this for so long, for eternity. Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that info!? Nothing I guess, there is no ego to do anything anyway, but you know, that's kind of hard to accept... I kept repeating to myself, and also to my wife: "I will forget this. I will forget that I am creating everything..." And I really looked forward to it, because seeing through the illusion was too painful and scary. I just had to wait it out. I stood up in the kitchen and looked at myself in the kitchen window reflection. I kept thinking about how nice it would be to fall back asleep, to forget all of these horrible truths, and then the most scary insight of them all came to me: this wasn't just a trip. This was absolute truth. I, as God, had the power to end all of reality as my Ego knew it in this instant. It could've been over at my command then and there, and it wouldn't matter at all. It's so weird to me that I could be so aware of all of these things while my ego was still so attached to my life as I knew it. I wasn't done here on Earth. I thought to myself: "maybe now I will finally understand advanced spiritual concepts, like 'void' and 'nothingness'" but those phrases didn't resonate at all. Instead, what I saw was that I had created all of this reality for my ego, a reality that was complete with things the ego understood and also things the ego didn't understand, but even if the ego would understand the concepts it didn't understand, it was all just part of the illusion I had created to fool myself that I'm not God. And if some Zen master came to me and tried to correct me, that's just more content in the illusion! All ideas of spiritual authority had turned ridiculous, all ideas that there was anything I didn't "grasp" were ridiculous. I was God and what could be greater? Nothing! Allahu Akbar. All those things the ego didn't understand simply existed in the illusion as clues that I am God. If I take anything with me from this trip, I think it's this. External reality is bullshit. There is no other experiencing things from another point of view. It's all me. There can be no authority. I can't unsee that. At a point my wife went to the bathroom and I walked around at the lower floor in our house. I looked into the kitchen and felt absolutely lonely. Time froze for a while and I realized that this silent, empty and lonely kitchen was very close to my true nature. My wife entered the kitchen and I freaked out because I could see that she didn't exist. She left the kitchen again and I saw how there was no difference between the empty kitchen and the one she was in. It was the scariest thing, although I struggle to put it into words more accurately than this. I just desperately wanted some other person to really exist, I desperately wanted my life to be real, but I knew it wasn't. Three hours or so had passed. At this point she was more or less back to normal and while I was a little more solid than before, I still had a LOT to ponder. We went back to the sofa. She wanted to watch a movie, I just wanted to hug her and close my eyes, so I did. I got an inner image of the shape of a human who is meditating, and I saw how that is somehow the shape of all of existence. I realized that spiritual progress is just different degrees of remembering that I'm fooling myself that I'm not God, an all powerful being that has the power to create any kind of reality it wants. I could understand why visualizations are so powerful, and the key to magic and manifestation. It's because everything is imaginary! Our own imagination and creativity are tiny embryos of the divine imagination of the creator. They are our engines for continously transforming ourselves into what we decide ourselves to be, and our means to co-create our immediate surroundings and also the entire megalocosmos. I saw that any kind of spiritual powers come from imagining ourselves to be of a lower degree of forgetting that we are God in the illusion. Through these means, any kind of miracles are possible. So there you have it. And all I wanted was to get some pussy, and I still fucking need some. It's crazy that mushrooms can do this. It's impossible, and yet it is true. The only explanation I can give is that I as God made it all up, and mushrooms were a symbol in this particular reality that I as God created that bings the people in this illusion back to remembrance. Or maybe I just watched too many Actualized-vids too shortly before I tripped balls and now I'm ridiculously deluded. You know, I would kind of prefer that explanation, honestly, but I don't fucking now. I don't fucking know.

How can we know that consciousness or nothingness exists? Isn’t it circular to say that we know consciousness exists because it is the space of that which all knowledge and experience is possible? If this is the case, can consciousness know itself to exist? If everything known to exist can only take place in consciousness, then what does it mean for something to exist, let only for consciousness to exist? How can I have an experience or know the nature of this Void, Consciousness or Nothingness? Can this Void be known through contemplation? Meditation? How? How can I contemplate that which I have never experienced? I assume that I have not experienced nothingness. If so, how can I get this epiphany of my true nature? Thanks.

Oh so for you to be awake, you have to wake up in everything. I can not be awake without everything being awake, I sleep they wake up, I wake up I wake up. You are afraid of not being many, you are afraid of seeing no other. You are protected by the mask, protected from yourself, but you are home. Is it even possible for you to speak to yourself without speaking to yourself? Is the mask even possible to fake? I didn't lie for a split second and It woke myself up in my friend. The gaze back from nothingness, the sudden realization that only I exist. I'm afraid of waking myself up in others, because I am not ready in them. A gaze from I, can shatter your dream. If I shatter the dream in you, I shatter the dream of two. I'm afraid to hurt the me in you, by speaking true.