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Hello everyone, with the words of this post I would love to share with you my unique perspective on reality - commenting and criticism is very welcome. So, let's begin. I have just watched year 2017 video from Leo on paranormal and psychic stuff. And I have come to realise that perhaps a certain perspective fragment is missing in Leo's research, since he is a healthy individual with no mental illness as far as I know. Maybe I am deluded in the upcoming sentences, you as the reader can decide that for yourself. So far I have experienced one psychotic episode - in the year 2017. I am currently still taking antipsychotic medication (Quetiapin) in "minimal" doses. My current situation is stabilised. Enough details, let's get to the suicide invoking horror stuff you guys might want to read about - the psychotic episode: Now as I reflect on it, I had experienced total loss of control - my thought process was totally f*cked since the serotine and I believe even dopamine levels in my brain went through the roof. As far as my feelings tell me I was following this deluded train of thought and behaved in very random ways. Doing pseudorandomly seeming stuff that was based on my subconscious desires and unmet needs (and more) - buying weird stuff, writing and drawing word salad and even saying some paranoid nonsense of being followed and spied on. My memory of this episode is highly fragmented. Words I was using WERE NO PROOF THAT WHAT I TOLD AND WRITTEN THAT I PERCEIVED WAS HAPPENING WAS REALLY HAPPENING... Rather than that, I was sorta this monkey that writes random stuff on computer and in infinite amount of time writes this way everything true (and also false) there is to be written. This random typing machine monkey doesn't actually write about the monkey's true perceptions of reality. Just because a monkey writes that it is spied on doesn't mean that the monkey sees physical spies as real. Some schizophreniacs may definitely experience some hallucinated stuff as real but this is not always the case. It wasn't mine. I just believed and written some nonsensical stuff - AND I have no memory of actually hallucinating this belief as "REAL OBJECT" like a person taking drugs might. No houses changing shape or dragons, zero of this. With this hopefully not too confusing metaphor I attempt to decrease the value of statements about reality from large number of schizophreniacs. (or other generally speaking deluded people) A little bit about me: I have been holding to the materialistic paradigm until I lost my mind, and embraced nondualism as valid (even if just partially, still not fully- because I see a lot of pitfall delusions in nondualism) this very month (5.2019). With the following I also attempt to explain certain delusion phenomena happening inside people's brains in a materialistic fashion. My opinion: A person can be in such state of mind that this person believes that some insight and perception is entirely true and believes in great amount of evidence that seemingly supports it and is still deluded. The vast majority of people are so deluded, that what they are saying has no value whatsoever. Even people without mental illnesses. Thus I suggest that as much as radical open-mindedness is healthier than stubborn close mindedness, there are still certain fallacies in the perception of reality of an open approach - these fallacies are based on not appreciating the statistical and random nature of reality enough. => THE KERNEL OF TRUTH IS SMALLER THAN YOU THINK. I posted today on YouTube about what I believe about healing abilities: Quote:"I personally see healing as psychological phenomena, working thanks to great understanding of emotions and intuition that grand the healer the power to change how the person that is being healed feels. Since a lot of suffering is happening in the minds of people. Backache might suddenly disappear, light depression and stuff like that. In this I see the kernel of truth. And it would be shame to underestimate the value of such healing in real life. On the other hand, the idea that certain "physical disease" suddenly goes away with a hand gesture and few words sounds very silly to me. As much as the reality is a hallucination, it still follows certain mostly unknown weird partially statistical "physical laws" ... These are my two cents here. May the Force be with you all :)" Adding: Schizophrenia as such is not something that goes away with a hand gesture for example. It never goes away. Schizophreniacs that say are healed are purely in the remission state and are deluded. This time not because of high neurotransmitter levels, but because they lie to themselves and others as a survival coping mechanism. A schizophreniac that has a job, a family, good relationships, all after years of rehabilitation, is still a schizophreniac. The so called positive symptoms of the illness are likely gone, thanks to medication and time having passed but the negative symptoms linger. And it is these negative symptoms like broken motivational system that may over time decrease a bit, but never truly go away. The life sucks every day.... But if you feel horror every day for years, you don't even remember how you felt before the first psychotic episode. It becomes the norm. Living hell. This hell is very very real - I experience this every day. Right now I am looking forward a bit to the day I stop taking antipsychotic medication and "deblock" my mind. Allow my neurotransmitters freedom again. Many schizophreniacs never ever get to experience this in a long term way, because they would get another psychotic episode as a result. I know schizophreniacs that got psychotic episodes even though they took more antipsychotics than I currently do. Their brains are even more fucked up than mine. So, as much as schizophrenia is extremely hard to measure on scientific devices - it is very real - I have a very distorted perception of reality since I have this feeling pretty much all the time that is extremely weird and hellish, I can't describe it to anyone. I may have been a walking zombie living in the world of concepts before my first psychotic episode (2017) but at least I was sorta healthy. I hope this feeling goes away once I don't have any meds but I don't believe it is like that. Even though the side effects of antipsychotics are harsh, I don't believe they are responsible for this weird feeling, just for the blocked mind feeling I have all the time and tension in the legs. I am speculating here a bit of course, since I have not stopped taking the meds yet... I guess time will tell. Looking forward to your responses. Feel free to ask me questions and criticise. May the Force be with you :-) :-)

Las thurday i had a har anxiety-attack at work. It was a very stressful week with lot of challenges, I took a coffe after dinner and all the afternoon I was dizzy, with hedache, nausea, my heart was racing and a lot of heat. When I arrived home vomited and had to take ibuprofen and go to bed. I work as a CNC mill, its creating complex metal pieces with computer and the execute it. I just studied a course of analogic milling and my friend said to me, come to where I work, dont worry about CNC I will show you. The first monthes he teached me, but now a year ago when I ask for help to him for some difficult things he asks me rude and say you should know it, and always with bad manners. I have a really bad time at work, nothing works fine, the machine break down and ask for help, and instead of helping me my friend give me a notepad with some instructions which obviously look like chinese to me. While current people go to work, I dont go to work, I go to fight against problems that exceed my level and this is draining me and making me sad. I dont contemplate suicide because Im actualized enough to be grateful and value life, but I actually hate my life. I win lot of money but its costing my health and happiness. last day I was gonna give up. sometimes I think Id be better in a shitty job like mdonadls or cleaning earning half the salary but with zero problems and responsabilities. Some advice will be appreciated. I dont give the job because I dont have anything.

I for one hope you don't leave the forum. There seems to be a few threads at the moment with the theme of "see ya later". I know we have to look after our own wellbeing and this forum, like probably all the others, can probably seem vicious at times, and wonderfully compassionate and openminded at other times. I'm new here, and am slowly trying to change the way I develop and make myself a better version of me. In my ideal world this forum would help facilitate people of all faith's and beliefs to flourish. I'm not aware I had to agree to any one belief when I registered? I don't know who the fuck God is right now. I know I believe in something. I know there is more to life than just what we can sense. When I first lurked around this forum I thought Leo was possibly on the brink of suicide. I thought he seemed massively mentally ill with a drug addiction. I felt sorry for him. I thought who the fuck does a 3 hour vlog, and then who the fuck would do loads of 3hr vlogs like it was normal. I thought this place was full of nerds who type a good story but probably live in complete hell and misery. I think different now and finally signed up. I still think Leo is an acquired taste somewhat, but I know there is huge wisdom in him and others that I want to try and tap into. I am still battling what could be my ignorance around psychedelics. People claiming to have wonderful experiences when off their face on drugs. Well that's what drugs are for I thought? To get shit faced. To feel good. To fill a gap of emptiness. Why are these people thinking they are somehow different to other people who misuse substances. Anyway, basically I am becoming more openminded and less judgemental and this forum is teaching me that. I've seen people posting about being really hurt by the content and discussion on here. Some people stating up front they are hurt and others kind of lashing out and making a statement about disappearing or leaving, either temporarily or permanently. Perhaps the people quitting the forum have as much to offer as the ones who ride everything out and stick around. It says something for the human condition and perhaps it has to be this way, that even on a forum like this, discussion can quickly turn into a "my belief is better than your belief, let me hammer that home until you accept it". This forum is like the world at large.... some people claim to have "The Truth". Who is crazy and deluded? Well that depends on who you ask..... you ask on this forum you will probably get a different answer than if you ask a health professional. Who is right? I don't fucking know actually! I'm trying to keep an open mind.... Man on the street claims to be God.... get's hospitalised.... man running a self-development forum claims to be God (I know it's not as simple as my comparison here!), get's respect and adulation. Man on the street takes mind altering drugs to feel a certain way gets told he is wrong and maybe a junkie, man on the forum doing the same thing ,doing it for self-development, and it seems like doing drugs is as normal as making yourself two slices of toast for breakfast. I'm on this forum to try and take myself up a level (or 10). It's obvious the human condition still hunts us down and takes control a lot of the time. We are all infected with this thing called the human condition and probably the best we can do is control the symptoms (perhaps, I hope there is more to it than that). I'm new here remember, I will make lots of mistakes I am sure. I've clocked a few members who post all the time. One post of theirs is compassionate and complaining others are too harsh. Their next post is toward someone they disagree with and they seem almost like a complete different person. One post is compassion, the next is harsh judgment and what almost seems like oppression. I'm not going to mention names because that would be pointless as we all probably do it to one level or another. I know I do in life all the time. I hate doing it, but it's still happening. I believe character traits nearly always depend on circumstances. If I can minimise this and have consistently favorable character traits in as many different circumstances as possible, then I'll be happy. How many of us are this example below? Favorable circumstances, people seem to do what I want and agree with me... I'm all powerful, all forgiving, all compassionate, all understanding Trying circumstances, people not doing what they are told, people offending me.... I'll be a cu**, fuck them, they will pay. How dare they. Once I have dished out the required punishment, and justice has been done, i'll slip right back to Mr Nice Guy. I'll be Buddha again. I am at peace! As Russell Brand would say "Be nice and don't fuck anyone over".

Ok.... wait I think suffering can help, as a way to scape to the idea that we are suffering, If we had some religious or spiritual background. If there's not that background in your family or in yourself. (Or you weren't interested in spirituality) then you can stay in a loop, that can make you think the only scape is suicide... or can give you a chronic depression, or other symptoms, who knows? Is it better now?

I think suffering can help as a way to scape to that idea that we are suffering if we have had some religious or spiritual background before. If there's not that background in your family or in yourself (you weren't interested in spirituality) then you can stay in a loop that the only scape can be suicide or chronic depression, or other symptoms, who knows?

From what I know about JC he suffered plenty - years of depression, broken marriages and long term relationships, the suicide of his late girlfriend. His trade as a comedian was an escape from the intense suffering he endured for years.

@Mezanti I also have a schizophrenic and had the same concern. There are a lot of variables that combine to yield schizophrenia. From a scientific perspective, we estimate it’s about 2/3 genetic and 1/3 environmental. Having an affected family member suggests higher risk, yet there is degree to that risk. There are dozens of genes involved and it’s a very complex network - then that “internal” network interacts and is modified by the environment. Having a second order relative, such as an uncle, only marginally increases the risk - only about 2% higher than the general population. My impression is that there aren’t any schizophrenic symptoms you are currently experiencing. That these symptoms are “out there” and you may be vulnerable to “catching” them since you have an affected family member. If so, that is precisely where I was prior to my first trips. Based on what I’ve read an ime, I would take greater precautions, yet not go overboard. The clinical studies did screen out people with a family history of schizophrenia. This is precautionary. During stage 1 and 2 trials the researchers want to select the best candidates, so they select individuals with PTSD, depression, alcoholism etc. without schizophrenia or a family history of schizophrenia. It’s an extra complicating variable we just don’t want in the trials and we want to limit any potential side effects and harm to the individual as much as possible. So, we just don’t know. We don’t have any scientific empirical data on this, just fragments of anecdotal reports online. However, there was a meta study that examined if the psychedelic therapy sessions increased the frequency of post-treatment psychosis, suicide etc. There was no significant difference between control and experimental groups. Yet keep in mind the participants were in a control setting - they had received therapy before and after the trip and the trip setting was very comfortable and safe. So I would be a bit more cautious. I would start with a small dose and create a comfortable, relaxed tripping environment. I would be mindful of my own tendencies regarding anxiety. Are you more of a “go with the flow” kinda guy? Or do you generally like more structure and grounding and knowing what’s going on? Imagine you went on a three day meditation to retreat and found out there is no schedule. For three days, you won’t know what happens next. You just go with whatever arises. Would that be relaxing or stressful to you? Or imagine you are in Guatemala riding a Turk-Tuk into a remote village to buy some hand-maid scarfs. Once you are in the middle of nowhere, the driver says “we are going to head to another place”. Would you naturally be like “Cool! What an adventure!”. Or would anxiety arise like”Whoa, what’s happening. Where are we going? This could be bad.”. Psychedelics can allow a mind to explore different perceptions of reality. Yet the mind “comes back” and one can integrate the experience to expand their consciousness. I would just be cautious, as if you are scuba diving. Your first time, you wouldn’t buy used scuba gear on eBay with no instructions, try to figure it out on your own and then go out into the Pacific Ocean for a solo dive, hoping for the best. Here would be a high risk it doesn’t turn out so well and afterwards one might feel traumatized and swear they will never go scuba diving again.

Went out with my mom this mother's day. I feel bad because she asked if I could lend her money to help pay off debt, and I said I couldn't. She sat in the car and asked me why not. I didn't tell her that most all my money went into raising a surprise litter behind her back. Ugh. I don't know, I just suddenly found myself with two young animal parents and 7 little babies in my hands. Should I have allowed them to die? I couldn't. I gave them up as soon as they were ready. What's more, I spent a lot of money for health-related issues and gave hundreds to them for their trips and shopping and all that shit, so I literally have like nothing left to give. I am squeezed out dry. I felt bad, especially since it's Mother's Day. And frankly, I'm very embarrassed. Mom hasn't been able to look me in the eye since, but that's the situation I'm in. I look at the kids of this generation and how they were able to find good jobs right out of graduation, since the economy has picked up, and I feel like I happened to be born in the wrong time and am just a doomed generation born in a shitty wrong time. It's like gods/the universe decided to make my dreams *poof* in one big joke called The Recession. Most accumulated debt from my generation also stems from credit card debt, so school loans aren't the only things taking a huge bite. Not to mention reeling from feelings of deprivation, loss, disillusionment, and Recession Blues. My generation has the highest suicide rate and an opioid crisis. I'm nowhere I thought I'd be due to a multitude of factors beyond my control, and it's pretty painful. Anyway, on a lighter note, this coming Thursday should be my last health appointment and things can finally begin picking up speed as I search for a job and get back into school. I know it will get better. I just need to keep chipping away at it...

@Shin The question was not about suicide

I hope you are still here. If we consider that the world is empty and all at the same time and there is such a thing as dying to get enlightened (positive death) and suicide (negative death), then what if you are just on the other side of the coin right now. What if you are closer than you know, just because you are ready to give it all up. What if you just need one more step and that your suffering out of emptiness and seeing no point in anything anymore is getting you close to your wholeness and finding the beauty of the world than any other time in your life. Have you considered for once, looking at a beautiful scenery that makes your heart beat and say, I am not ready to leave yet. This moment is just too gorgeous and I really want to be here, right now at this second, to just feel it for one more second. I will end it a bit later, but not right now. If you experience it, you will most likely feel why you want to be here. I felt the same at some point. If you haven't, I hope you try to find something that makes you want to stay for one more second, just to fill you up for that time. Those moments give life, and they can happen at any time, especially if you turn on your radar and look for them. What if you do that, as the last try you'd do to stay.

Thanks for the advice. It's crazy how during my personal spiritual journey, as I've been grasping the truth of the universe being immaterial, the I, concuousness being God creating reality through becoming holographic form and the truth of no ego self, How my ego created and pulled me so vigorously into this delusions and deceptions. As though it would prefer to commit suicide as an ego with a toxic mindset rather than be let go. I have not been meditating as much as I had been before however my spiritual progress was made mostly through contemplating and trying to be mindful of what Leo had said in his videos. I believe the mistakes I made was thinking that things are preordained rather than the fact that moments becomes eternal once it becomes. Since possibility is conceptual but moments are actual. And do not become actual until it happens. And if I am creating this narrative, than it will become like a self-fulfilling prophecy since I'm putting that energy in motion. And the future only existing as a multitude of possibilities that become the present as the the becomes recreated to now rather than then which becomes a memory in a continuous sequence as a certain possibility happens. And of course not meditating nearly enough. I see now as God, I puppet this life. And recognize it is connected with everything else as one. So there is no need to struggle and create bad scenarios by putting out that negative energy. Sending out that message that this is what I'm creating and where my focus is and affecting my Karma badly in the end. Since negative And as I become more conscious, and in tune with my intuition, I can guide this life and form working with nature to what I chose to create. Rather than fighting egoicly for control and trying to exert egoic will. Your advice actually helps and illuminates how this never "fit" is the work of egoic delusion. And unconsciousness.

That is the right attitude, to uncover the most deeps truths about yourself and about reality, you gotta have the strength to go places where no one else is willing to go. If you think "this ego death thing sounds cool but what if I actually die, what if this consciousness ends forever" go after that thought. Before my inner death occurred, I was "lusting" for suicide, not in a bad way, not at all. There was no doubt in my mind that it was the right thing to do, I could just intuit it beyond any doubt. I was going to end myself "Death" is the thing which everyone runs away in this reality, almost everything is structured around escaping death. Death is the big thing, the fear of death is by far the most prevalent and instilled thing in our culture, could that be a sign? Only the most brave will be able to see this and accept this truth. *Complete inner death is the ultimate truth and it is the only way to complete peace*. Because this lays so deep, it is the most difficult thing to do. Once you go all the way, God will give you everything: *Death is an illusion*, just like all the other illusions along the way that you discovered. Why would it be different with actual death? It has no substance.

For the past few weeks, I've noticed a few spiritual teachers talking about this idea that you essentially have no real choice or free will in what happens to you or what happens in regards to your life. And that everything that happens is determined by the God head as destiny. That God already pre-planned everything according to God's plan. I'm someone who has extreme anxiety about the prospect that I could be destined for failure as in, not being able to get into the college I want for Animation. Or being able to get that dream job I've always been wanting for a while in animation and story telling. Never being able to find a love partner, never losing my virginity, not being able to be hired for the most part and screwing it up when I do get the job. That ultimately my family may give up on me and kick me to the curb as a lazy good for nothing loser and me eventually losing all the friends that I have. My parents have been arguing since I was a kid, I think I was scarred as a result, I've been compared to my hot tempted aggressive and sometimes vulgar and disrespectful dad sometimes as though it's just me as well. And there's nothing I can do about it. Even though I'm mostly never like him. The only thing is that sometimes I have some anger issues and a big mouth. But I've been working on it and getting much better in that regard. Trying to own my mistakes. And I'm much better now. I've been bullied and rejected alot as a kid and in high school. I've never felt like I felt in because of different personalities. Sometimes I'm just shy and introverted and I feel very insecure about my self. I'm insecure about my looks since I'm a bit skinnier for my age, I've been called ugly alot growing up and even though I do groom pretty well and made progress in improving my style, I still feel subpar next to most other guys. I just feel like girls will reject me, end up leaving me or find a better looking guy than me. And I may end up dying a Virgin. I've been having horrible struggles trying to secure a job and have alot of confidence issues in myself and my abilities since without getting job experience now it might make it next to impossible for me to get hired anywhere down the line. Also I feel insecure about my art since I feel like I'll never be good enough for a collage and that I'll always be skipped over for better artists. And add this anxiety that God fixed it like this, or if you want to say I'm (not ego self) God, somehow decides to be cruel to this life experiencing form and curse it from birth, made it like a futile loser perpetual failure unloved, unworthy for love in the eyes of others basically complete futility. And that my only choices is try to counter act this and fail, or well, commit suicide. Me committing suicide would be surrender and well the only true relief from this. My one true act of rebellion and the one thing that could bring some pleasure, no matter how scarred I am to die. Or what lies beyond. Though I am emsly curious to know if this awareness or concuousness that I'm experiencing continues after death, or if it's just darkness and nothingness a complete lack of concuousness forever. Though we'll never, I'll never know until and unless I die I guess. And I'm teetering slowly on the side of suicide, trying to find some excuses to try to stave actually offing myself. Like, finishing game of thrones, hoping to get lucky or proven wrong or something like that. Help.

@winterknight Thank you for your previous points. I'd second that as I am in the dark night and have been for the last 4 months. Paul actually attempted suicide but I didn't as I knew it would be no escape.

I can relate a lot. Sometimes i find myself not wanting to exist anymore & i get the feeling like i am trapped/forced by God to live this life either i want it or not. The fact that my mother was always talking about suicide when she was feeling really really bad doesn't help either because it programmed my mind to think this way.

Hello friends. I just wanted to share somethings that have been on my mind. And maybe get some help or advice. It was around my 9th grade year when I really started having suicidal thoughts. As time went on, I've had more. What I've noticed is that even small responsibilities that's placed upon me, I would start to think how much of a pain they are. I always feel powerless to take on these small responsibilities or tasks. As if I'm never prepared or just don't feel qualified to take on these responsibilities. I soon went off to college, which I really didn't even want to go to, I felt obligated. It was at that time where I hit a new low. I was depressed because I was so overwhelmed from all the new responsibilities I had. I felt so powerless to do anything and so, I literally didn't do anything. I didn't go to my classes anymore. I just waited it out. Waited my semester out and I decided to lie to my parents and sister that I had great grades and that I didn't want to go continue college anymore. I was lost and I didn't want my parents to worry so, I applied for the army. I was second guessing my decision and I told my recruiter about it when it was about time for me to swear in. The recruiter wanted me to go through with it and that the Army experience was great. The recruiter was nice and I guess I didn't want to let him down so, I decided to keep going. I forgot to mention that I started my spiritual journey in college when I got depressed. I lied to the recruiter about why I didn't want to join anymore. I told him I was Buddhist and I didn't want be involved in anything that may result in anything that will hurt others. He turned it around on me and he told me that he used to be Buddhist and made some points. I guess it was his niceness and the fact that he was Buddhist was why I still went ahead with the Army. Soon my basic training was done and I was healthier than ever. I felt great to be involved in something that was bigger than myself. I was greatful. I wanted to become active so that I could experience the Army with my other buddies that I met in my training. I was told that I had to wait 6 months before I could go active and I just knew that I was gonna be a completely different person by the time 6 months came, and surprise, by the end of the 6 months, I didn't want to go active anymore or even be in the army. I went to one of the monthly drills and was disappointed in how it much of a difference it was compared to how I expected. There wasn't really a strong sense of pride when I was there. That experience added into why I didn't want to be in the Army anymore. I also realized that I was identifying myself with the army which was pretty egoic.I haven't been going to those drills ever since and I finally got a letter saying that I'll be dishonorably discharged. When I received the letter, I felt afraid of how the rest of my life would turn out because of this. But I also felt relieved. I always felt caged in when I was identifying with the responsibilities of being in the army. It was soon after the letter from the Army that I realized that these worries that I had were conceptual. I had worries of my college debt and worries of becoming a dishonorable discharge and how that will affect my life. When I let go of the worries I cannot tell you how free I felt. It was also near that time where I had my first real spiritual experience. I felt disidentified with my body and my thoughts. That helped to take spirituality a bit more seriously and believe that it's all true. My goal soon was to be able to tap into that state at will or 24/7 and not this concept of enlightenment I had in my head. In hindsight, I guess I just wanted to be "numb" is a sense. Not feel like a victim anymore and know that anything that happens is all conceptual and not really "reality". And then we get to the current time. I began to have suicidal thoughts again. A lot of the time when I'm having suicidal thoughts, I felt like a victim, not liking how the world is, just didn't want to have these responsibilities anymore. Now, it feels more relaxing, relieving and right. I realized that in a sense, every thing I've been doing was to escape these suicidal thoughts. I may have sought spirituality keep from killing myself because I thought it was right to keep living and not disappoint my family or anyone. I always felt like suicide was this evil, a taboo thing. But now, I realized that I don't really want to keep living. Like, I don't feel the need to experience anything else in life. And if I did, it would feel like it's from an egoic state. And if I look for anything that I want to experience, it feels like I'm just clinging on to life and that I'm having egoic desires. The way I'm seeing it is that I've just been doing a lot of things to keep myself from having suicidal thoughts. I sought spirituality in hopes that I can keep living but not have to suffer which will get me back to suicidal thoughts. I feel now that my only real escape is to get enlightened enough to be able to transcend all my worries and responsibilities (and myself) so that whatever happens, I'll know it's all just experience and I can keep living. Or just suicide. I won't have to keep suffering until I naturally die. In a way, going along with the suicidal thoughts sort of felt like it was helping me see much more clearly. Like it was a bit of an awakening. But, that's probably just my optimistic self still hoping to get enlightened and keep living on. From reviewing what I just wrote, it feels like everything in life had been going "wrong" because I've been just letting things happen and doing things out of not disappointing others. And from lying so that I don't disappoint others.

@Aakash Yes you desire annihilation. The real you knows that it's being taken over by an impostor. People live their lives like that you know. Most people feel 'hollow', consciously or unconscionably, and that's the symptom of body-identification. To get rid of that there is only one way: kill the ego. Only the ego cannot kill itself. Only grace can be the murderer. That is why it's extra tragic when people commit suicide for spiritual purposes. The mind won't die with the body's death and it'll find a way back.

I have persistent mental pattern that is responsible for my depression for years. Its about romantic love experiences which I never had. This pattern pops up multiple times per day. The main theme is that I only experienced romantic rejection in my life. From this on my mind projects a future how this is going to be the rest of my life now. Im hardcore into self development for about 2 years now and the irony is that this just enforces this pattern. "Youve been working on yourself for another year, and still no progress in that area". I know that on some level its just a story my mind spins around a neutral situations. But in another way its so real because thats just how it is. I made no progress in that area. Despite all efforts I have not had one good experience yet. Its just a fact. In a twisted way it even seems like the more I can handle through these insights and work I do on myself the worse the external experiences become so it cancels each other out and I stay at the same place. I know for sure that if I hadnt had the consciousness I have now the experiences of the past years would have driven me to near suicide instead into regular old depression. I tried to work with law of attraction and I was really happy for a while, I vizualized how I would have all these dates and my confidence was on top. The external didnt change one bit after months of that so it felt like delusion and I lost all hope in that. Nowadays I tend to think about it in another way. i know I have enormous creative talents and recently I got this idea in my head that god wants to use me as a vehicle to create certain arts in this world. And because of that romantic love or family life is not allowed to come into my experience as it would be too much of a distraction and defeat my life purpose. If Im being totally honest I even get the sense that after I finished my creative purpose in this world my life is done and I will vanish. I dont know if Im deluding myself.

By your logic Isis & the KKK is are highly conscious spiritual organizations You might as well compare a suicide bomber dying in the name of Al-Lah and his terrorist organization (that is totally antiethical the very Greater Jihad they believe they’re killing themselves for) to Jesus voluntarily going to the cross.

@Aldo good god slow up. I know dudes that have lived in the ACTUAL hood. I’ve hung out in gang territory. If you ACTUALLY think those guys in gangs are who are fulfilled higher conscious human beings... man... go with me to deep East Oakland here in the Bay Area with me east of 51st and International. Go with me to the Iron Triangle in Richmond in the East Bay. Go with me to Hunters Point here in SF. If you think gang members aren’t attached to their ego... man you’re kidding yourself lol. You’re just kidding yourself. Dont make the mistake of thinking I’m saying everybody in those areas is some criminal, rapist, gang member. That’s not what I’m saying at all. All because people elicit basic human compassion has nothing to do with nonduality and Absolute Love. That’s just having good character and basic common sense and compassion for your fellow person... so long as you don’t violate their agenda too much. This isn’t a matter of debate. The fact that you think that these people are “dying joyfully” just shows how much you don’t understand what these guys have to live through. How afraid they are. How much they live in fear and have to bottle that up for the sake of their survival. These are all mental projections for you. These people who are part of gangs are not happy and they are not fulfilled, much less conscious. I’ve met and have had friends who were ex gang members and ex blud gang members. These people will break down because they’re so happy they escaped. This is utter immaturity if you think these people are like Turquoise blissful enlightened yogis. Which is not to say yogis are not above them in some absolute sense. These hedonist rappers are often insanely miserable because they often just chase titilation. Yeah they make music that has some idealistic talk but that doesn’t mean they truly know of what they run their mouth on. There’s a reason Mac Miller and such people commit suicide. That’s not an accident. These aren’t happy joyful people. The fact that your comparing their life to GTA just shows how foolish this view is.

So I’ve always had this problem of getting obsessed/”in love” with a person and it’s taking up all my attention and energy. Often times it’s also unrequited love which doesn’t make it easier. I know I must have some daddy issues but this reoccuring loop is seriously becoming way too pathetic. I don’t think I can handle this much longer. It’s standing in the way for me to focus wholeheartedly on any other ambition in life. But of course it must be my only true motivation and therefore also something I’m continuing to do more or less on purpose. Obviously I’m getting something out of it even though it’s slowly killing me and many times pushed me near the border of suicide etc. Please help me understand this. I want to focus on enlightenment work but how could I genuinely. I can’t seem to hold it up for a longer period of time. Sooner or later this shit is taking over me again and again no matter what. Another part of me just wanna find the love of my life. And a third part of me is guilt tripping and ridiculing myself because of this ”low consciousness” aspiration. And why the fuck do I keep getting obsessed with guys that doesn’t want me back.

i am still living in this monastery. I must say people here are extremely superstitious and living a primitive style. I have tried to forbade myself from judging others but judgement just comes on its own. Pp here think by reading lectures their disease would be killed without treatment. They even try to drag me into their stupidity. They are trying to get me to drink the water they call "Yellow paper water". They believe drinking such water a lot of Buddhas will watch over them. They see Buddhas as super physical beings who still exist and play a role in their life not realizing Buddhahood is real, Buddha is just a pointer. As for the man who wanted to commit suicide, i am surprised to know he's a somewhat harcore meditator. The more I know him the more I am starting to know what's in his mind. He's an intelligent meditator but has wasted his time choosing the wrong path (I'm really worried for him). A thought has popped up in my mind: We must become financially independent first before we put our effort for enlightement work. If we are poor and enlightened it would be suicidal because when you're enlightened you are likely to just do nothing. Your survival depends on others 2) You can become enlightened and yet remain immature. 3) Good people are more than usual ( I would say 99% ) are good just because they have some kind of ideaology or some sort of moral code has been implanted into their mind since they were children or because they are good because deep down they know that's the only way for them to survive. Most people here choose to live in this monastery because they are unable to make money living outside playing the monetary games humans invented. 4) Truly spiritual people wouldn't want to follow the herd lol. I've realized it just by observing the above-mentioned man. He just flows with existence without caring much about the stances others conform to when we all pray together. 5) Enlightened people are not accepted by the masses ( this could be just my assumption) . I notice it in that man. The man just keeps getting reminded by others to follow what the rest does even though he doesn't really care or get annoyed by any criticism.

Ok, that makes perfect sense and that's exactly where I am at. I am deep in the dark night of the soul just now and I keep getting this idea that Shaun's point of view and experience is the only experience there is and it is scaring me, but I hope that part is just delusion or the ego trying to take ownership of the true I. I am terrified of reality, Leo and I don't know where to turn. There's literally nowhere to go, suicide is no escape and I don't know what to do. I am absolutely trapped.

Chapter 275 The implementation part of my spiritual journey begins. Here I will practice all the techniques and concepts I learned so far and record my progress. The conceptual part of my journey is over. I will also develop new techniques and refine existing ones. Finally I lifted off a huge burden off myself and all the toiling for a full year was worth it. This is a difficult path but I'm sure through all the frustrations and shrugs and the struggles I will get ample opportunities to smile and laugh and empty out the negativity in me. I'm now growing to be a better person, a more fruitful, productive and spiritual person. My journey in real life and through this journal has been filled with both struggle and fascination. I have seen everything and known everything and all of that at a pretty young age like an old soul in a young body I have known enough. Life has never been kind to me, but I should let that go. There is always be a better tomorrow as long as there is hope. What I came to know is that this human experience is filled with a lot of struggle, and pain and hardships and drama. This is called living and it will always be this way unfortunately. But I had to find my way out because I was about to kill myself. So a year ago when I knew that if things went really down south, I knew that I wouldn't be a stranger to suicide. I have tried that road many times and I have come back from it, there was always a vestige of hope but it didn't help much. I have somehow dragged through the suicidal period of my life. So a year ago, I knew in my mind that either I had to do something urgently to fix the situation or just give up completely and die. That's when I thought I had to bring a change in the way I looked at everything. I needed a reprieve. I was a mess, a terrible mess, and a terribly chaotic person. My childhood scars had left me deranged and looking for a direction in life. That's when I had the feeling that only spirituality could save my life. This journey started a year ago in February last year. That's when I started recording every day of my life and my thoughts to get a better understanding of what I needed to do on my spiritual path. I knew I needed a spiritual framework or a backbone to start working with because I was very fuzzy about spirituality, it was all scattered in my mind and I had no idea where to begin and how to bring it all together A year ago, if I had to ask myself, what is spirituality, my answer would have been, spirituality is spirituality, that's it.. Just a blank canvas. I had the worst nagging curiousity and I pledged myself that no matter what, no matter whatever the effort, I will dig this out. I will go deeper and deeper and think whatever I can and fish out whatever that makes sense and put it all together and weave it. Slowly and slowly, one day at a time, one hour at a time, I kept going with persistence and kept going and creating my own fantasies and concepts and binding them together. Eventually a pattern arose. Initially it was all scattered dots and I didn't know what to do. I was very frustrated with my own mind. Gradually with my persistence, I slowly began to join one dot to another and a pattern arose. It began to make sense after a while. Everything was making sense one day at a time.. I knew that I was close to the finishing line but the finishing touches were missing and still far away from my grip. So I had to wait. And wait I did. Then in October, I had it. I was coming to it.. Eventually over the past few months, the picture became stronger My dedication didn't fail even for a day. And finally I have it. I have it done what I had set out to do a year ago at this time. Now that it's in place, I can move on further bit by bit just like I did before Now I'm a free bird. I found my life savior in spirituality. It will be my sacred corner I will turn to every time something goes wrong in my life. It is something I can cling to. I needed the last straw. I can honestly say that I won't have to feel suicidal anymore because now I have some hope after all. I guess that's why spirituality exists. To give hope. To bring hope to those who are tired of life and this world and of people and drama, to give them a breather, a refuge, a shrine and a place of mental peace where nobody can hurt you anymore. It's a place to escape to when life is going down the gutter. Well of course it's better than drugs and suicide and self harm. It's much healthy and a way to heal away from all the chaos of the world around you. I wish I could afford a rehab. But I can't. So my spirituality is my rehab. I tried many ways to distract myself from all the abuse I went through and all the chaos, video games, food, music, over working, dating sites, trolling, constant shopping, crying, self harm,... But no use. It only makes my health worse and gets me even more depressed. So I figured out that my escape has to be a healthy one where I recover positively and I am able to get away from the emotional abuse and mess. The only thing I didn't try was alcohol and drugs because it's kinda illegal here. But now there is much more hope, thanks to all the effort I put in through this last year, despite my depression I was determined that I need to find that positive corner which will not be just a distraction that helps me get by through the day but also something that will be like a life purpose which will make my life purposeful and give meaning to it and inspire me everyday to live better and be better and lift me out of the depression.. Yesterday I was contemplating suicide again and I cried many many hours, feeling empty and hopeless. But after an hour this cup concept popped in my head I hurriedly wrote it down here. After that I felt better. I get bored very easily. Probably signs of some sort of borderline personality issues. I don't know. I think it's my hyper need for Stimulation. But anyway, I'm not going to waste my life diagnosing a new mental issue with myself every day. So yes distraction for me can only last so long. And I have an insatiable appetite for living a purposeful life. So yes. I need to make that happen or else I will spend my old age in regret. Yea I can be bipolar sometimes. But it's all okay. With a fucked up childhood, mental health issues are no surprise. But hopefully i have finally found a way to deal with my depression and emptiness and a lack of purpose and meaning. This I can put into practice from now on. And this will be my new life I have turned over to a new leaf. And it feels better. The chaos inside my mind has begun to settle. I'm finding peace. Finally and hopefully I can now move on and have a beautiful direction in life.. Yay.....its a new beginning. Amen....

@Mikael89 I've been to my doctor already. I have an appointment on the 29th to be assessed by a mental health team. I've been before. I've tried 2 medications. They were both horrendous, in terms of side effects and also messed with my mind. I'm not wasting my time with that any more. I'm not going into a hospital. I swear if they try and take me into somewhere like that then I'll be gone before you know it. I REALLY don't understand how you can't find non-existence depressing. It's truly absurd. I was baptised a Christian just after I was born. But I've never really believed. But how much more wonderful would Christianity be if were true? That we are all INDIVIDUAL souls. All INDIVIDUAL beings. Here together. Individual souls. You interact with different souls. All of creating ourselves, who we want to be. With free will. Then we live on, for eternity with one another, maybe just in different surroundings. PEOPLE, as INDIVIDUALS, not nothing as nothing playing with itself. Not just ONE thing fucking with itself. And well, if I am that thing, then my thoughts and everything must be ME. Thus, I don't like 'ME', and I'm ashamed that I invented a thing called an ego. It's sick. I'm selfish, clearly. It's all about me me me. One thing. Why can't I manifest something less complicated? It's absurd. Absolutely absurd. @Jkris There you go again. I mean, don't get me wrong, I bloody appreciate you taking the time to write on here to me. But you've jsut said it yourself. I don't exist. Neither do you. So why are you addressing me on here? Why does anyone care if someone commits suicide? When ultimately, it makes ZERO difference to anything as I don't exist. Whatever I am, or whatever this is, I have this weird urge, coming from somewhere to just end this. See what happens afterwards. I don't think anyone really knows. What I don't understand is, pretty much every single NDE, people have talked about meeting other entities, even God or Jesus etc. Who knows. Fed up. Tired. Head is a shed. Don't fear death anymore. I want out. Whatever I am, I can't be bothered anymore. Nothing matters.