Identity

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About Identity

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  • Location
    The Netherlands
  • Gender
    Male
  1. As I am digging into my fears and insecurities around sexuality and relationship, this interesting insight came to me that I want to share. This excerpt from the book Letting Go by David R. Hawkings gave the insight: "The real cause of "stress" is actually internal; it is not external, as people would like to believe. The readiness to react with fear, for instance, depends on how much fear is already present within to be triggered by a stimulus. The more fear we have on the inside, the more our perception of the world will be changed to fearful, guarded expectancy. To the fearful person, this world is a terrifying place. To the angry person, this world is a chaos of frustration and vexation. To the guilty person, it is a world of temptation and sin, which they see everywhere. What we are holding inside colours our world." When I go out into the world with my girlfriend, I am fearful and anxious. Especially when she is radiating her feminine beauty in a party situation. What I see, is other men as potential preditors that can capture my girlfriend. I am in fear and feel the need to be defensive and control. In reality, it is not the external world that is causing this. It is really my own guilt that I am projecting. During my pick-up fase, I was an unconscious preditor. I did not care about the girls and their potential boyfriends. In one instance, I actually kissed a girl in front of her boyfriend. Now I am carrying that guilt and am projecting it onto the world. Funny how karma works. Now I am ready to let go and forgive myself. Anyone that can relate?
  2. @bejapuskas Yeah, she really does want me to enjoy it. And I do to some degree. But it’s challenging for me to feel into my body and just enjoy the sensation. There is just a tendency to want to manage and control: should I come or not come? I should be liking it and showing her! Instead of just letting go. haha, where do you smell daddy issues, from my or her side? Yeah, we do talk about our parents, our upbringing and trauma’s we picked up along the way. That being said, fully healing them is another thing though. I’d say the relationship with my dad has improved tremendously the last couple years. Not perfect, but it’s quite good. From her side there are some deeper wounds.
  3. Hello, yes life is good and safe on this side. I hope things are the same for you. Thank you for your insights When it comes to the question of giving or receiving, honestly, I think both. Probably more with receiving. Giving in terms of oral or something comes quite easy. Receiving orally is way more challenging for me, although the desire is definitely there. It is more feeling my own turn-on that is the challenge. Also the balance between on the one hand feeling my turn-on and being grounded in that, whilst on the other side also being in touch with her. My focus can easily get lost on either of them, both ending in an undesirable way. Luckily the communication between my girlfriend and me is good and strong. We openly discuss what we like/don't like and what our desires are. These desires are also quite well aligned. The problem is mostly that I get blocked when trying to make them a reality. The idea of writing out sex stories is a good one! I have written a few in the past, but short and few. Also, love the idea of sharing them with my girlfriend. Yeah, that is a great idea. I think she will also really like that and it could spark us to further explore those fantasies The frustrating thing is, that she is sexually open, our desires align, we communicate about it, she provides the space and encouragement for me to act them out, yet even with all these things in place, I still fall into the same patterns. I get scared, into my head, lose connection with my desire, literally feel my sexual energetic pathways closing until I have this blocked feeling in my stomach that seems impossible to overcome in that moment. I do feel like the past few years it has been healing and getting better but in small gradual steps. I want to bust it open with some dynamite hehe.
  4. Haha interesting. I'm from NL as well. Would be my preference to go here. But now that you mention it, maybe I should not limit myself to it. I'll let you know if I book a spot
  5. My natural desires and expressions definitely lean more towards sexually dominant. That is what pulled me since I was young when watching porn and in my fantasies. Not to say that I could never be submissive. Nope, never tried cuckolding and/or humiliation therapy. Not sure what that is to be honest. Could you provide some more insight please? Hmm, if I had to choose between assertive and passive, I would say passive. At least not assertive in an overly masculine sense. A healthy sense of boundary and confidence is definitely attractive to me. But yeah, I like it when a girl gives me the vulnerable eyes and melts through my presence. A certain fystiness can also be very attractive though. A kind of 'come get me' attitude. Through the age of 14-24 I have watched a bunch of different types of porn. However, the period that lasted the longest for me was also based around a more male dominant category. I mostly really enjoyed when the girl was really taken away, emersed in the experience and was showing her pleasure strongly. I haven't had any gay experiences. Also have not really be compelled to explore, at least consciously. When I was growing up there were some short periods where I doubted my sexual orientation. However, they were not very prominent. Also, my attraction towards classical feminine girls is definitely there. Maybe if I would be truly open, there would be some degree of attraction towards males, but honestly, that doesn't seem to be the core of the issue and I would not be open to exploring that further at this point in time.
  6. Yooo, this looks amazing! I would have signed up right away for the one happening in The Netherlands in September, but I can't on those dates unfortunately. Will keep an eye out for the next one. Thanks for sharing!
  7. Hmm interesting. The thing is, creativity is something I do feel quite connected to. I love to dance and pre-corona I would often be at the centre of the dancefloor. There is also a lot of creative expression in my work. It is more cognitive, but I am constantly creating new content and workshops. Drawing is something I have been wanting to go deeper into for a while. Maybe I will give that a try.
  8. I've read the way of the superior man and watched some video's from David Deida. John Wineland I hadn't heard about. Just watched the first video of him, like his energy. Thanks for sharing, will look at some more videos
  9. Oh, great question. Funnily enough, that is something I haven't explored a lot of yet. Fears that I am definitely aware of are linked to my sexual performance and its consequences. It's kind of a web of beliefs and thoughts that, a perspective I took from pick-up, that is causing that. It goes something like: I need to be 'good' at sex and satisfy the girl --> If I don't, she will be unsatisfied --> She will look for it elsewhere and cheat. On top of that, there is also a fear about what that would say about me. That fear might actually be bigger, to become 'the guy who could not satisfy his girlfriend and therefore she cheated on him'. However, this fear is not at the core. This is something that is built on top I think, not the foundation. The foundation I would have to explore more.. a great question to journal about, thank you! It shows up for me as a disconnection. A feeling of the energy being blocked, not open. It also has to do with a feeling of not being good enough and a fear of how other people see me. More exploration of the fear, noted.
  10. Things I have tried so far to heal: - A few psychedelic trips over the past years - Quitting porn, haven't watched close to a year - Conversations, trials and tribulations with my girlfriend - Mindfulness, awareness, meditation - Some theory, mostly through video's (not extensive) - Some journaling here and there - We just had our first therapy session on this topic last week Area's that seem interesting: - Deeper theory through books, teachers, retreats - Implementing structural practices (kegel exercises?) - More mindful masturbation - Healing the relationship with my mother (trauma at least partially came through my relationship with her, have not explored/healed deeply yet). - Continue therapy
  11. I'm 50 trips deep hahaha. A few have been around this topic, but most haven't. Maybe more could help, but I am at a place now where I am not compelled to take them. Feel like I need more grounding and integration before coming back to them.
  12. Hmm, I am in touch with it to some degree and it changes depending on my state. These states can vary a lot. There have been experiences where I felt confident, powerful, sexually alive. However, these states are quite rare. It is more common for me to have anxiety. Also, my connection to my sexuality is fragile. I could be in a good mood, feeling confident, feeling my turn-on. And just a subtle comment of denial from my girlfriend can cause this to block. In those moments I literally feel the blockage in my stomach area. There probably is some form of shame somewhere there, but honestly, I am mostly aware of fear.
  13. The first idea was to write a long post about it but figured to not get lost in too much story. But yes, I have experience with sexuality. Five-ish years ago I got involved in pick-up, had a bunch of one-night stands and stuff. Now I've been in a relationship for the past two years. Even though there have been a bunch of experiences and some healing, I still just feel this disconnection from my sexuality. My assumption is that the fear stems from a denial/rejection of my sexuality during childhood (or maybe also past lives/family lineage). All the other stuff that happened were built on that rotten foundation. How can I go back to fix that foundation?
  14. I feel insecurity and fear at the core of my being when it comes to sexuality. Any recommendations for how one can go about healing that?
  15. Cool! - BuddhaAtTheGasPump - Living 4D with Paul Check - Joe Rogan obviously ?