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About Shroomdoctor

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  1. I actually have a very similar issue. I lack personal power and lack aggression, mostly because (i think) being completely trained out of it / my mother basically installing a fear and victim mentality in me that I don't seem to be able to shake. Maybe Parts Work (see for example Teal Swan) might help. If you got any good solutions, feel free to tell me. You can also pm me if you want and we can maybe try to help each other with that.
  2. Good Evening, I haven't visited this forum in a long time. Now, having gone through a lot of internal development in the last year or so, mostly through sufferring actually, I wanted to try to get some ideas for my current biggest problem. Basically, I have a quite clear vision on whre I want to go with my life. I have come to understand myself a lot better, developing a lot of authenticity and shedding many false fronts. I believe that a big part of me is at the pluralist stage atm. However, as I developed this self-awareness and shedding of old beliefs and fronts through basically hitting rock bottom, being constantly high on weed for like half a year, my material surroundings are less then ideal. I still have a lot of negative emotion coming up. I try to take the time to process them, but on the other hand there are material demands on me that make it very hard to find balance. A month ago, I started a new job, working 9+ hours with unpaid overwork. At the same time I quit smoking weed completely and still feel the withdrawels. Last week, I had to take one sick day, because my body was just totally exhausted from too much cafeein, weed withdrawel and stress. After retruning to work, I got beraded for being sick 5 times in an hour by my boss. At that time I decided to quit, before that job destroys me. I had a lot of problems actually finding any work, because I have a year gap in my resume that employeers tend to sort me out immediatly. I know I can't sustain a full time job right now, and finding something half time is even harder. That creates tons of anxiety within me. I know I want to build a career around music, I know my life purpose lies in that direction, but I can't do that when I struggle to even pay the rent. So right now, I find it extremely difficult to give my self the time to process emotions, work on my music business, and try to find a suitable position that doesn't kill me but also pays my bills. There are times where I am quite hopeful, but at the same time I get these intense bouts of depression that leave me unable to do anything but coping and feeling through them for a few hours. I don't ask for any miracle solutions but maybe someone has experiance how to balance all these things. Any advice is appreciated and I thank you all for your input in advance. Love to you all!
  3. Working on that Composer Career
  4. Hello my Actualized.Org Friends I started (mostly for my own benefit) to develop a Commonplace Book Application. To have all your planning and research in one place. I plan to include a journal, notetaking, goal setting, visioning, statistics, calender etc. Basically a Personal Development Stage Orange Mega Tool. To be used as an web-app, or on your phone. I would glady like your suggestions on what functions you would find essential for this application. What could you not do without in this context? What would it need to have to be used by you?
  5. Do you still find your man sexually attractive? Like do you find his energy, his masculinity and so on arousing? I noticed a lot when sleeping with girls: If she found me stimulating, it wouldnt matter THAT much what I do. But when she doesnt "feel" me, I could do the craziest shit and it wouldnt help. Maybe see if the problems lies somewhere along those lines, and what the issues there are. Has he gotten complacent in the relationship? Did he stop leading you both in bed and outside? Just my two cents doesnt have to be right.
  6. I just realised: whatever feels right to you right now.
  7. Therapy I guess, but thats just not doing anything.
  8. Hey guys, This might be a bit of a long rant, so sorry in advance for that. I don't even know where to begin. 5 Years ago, my life was average. It wasnt great, but it wasnt misery either. I had petty problems, spent too much time playing video games, but I had a great girlfriend, a promising career and some good friends. Since then, my life went downhill into the dirt. My father died of cancer , my girlfriend left me and I fell into a deep depression. I discovered Actualized.Org, tried starting to fix my life, but everything I did, I did seriously wrong. I quit my promising IT career after the LP Course, knowing that my LP would be either psychology or music. Started studying psychology, but my depression fucked me up after half a semester and I ended up in a mental hospital, because of suicidal intent. (I went there on my own free will). After a few months I started living back home with my mom, no career, few friends, no romantic relationships (Even mentioning that you struggled or are struggling with depression lets girls run away faster than a train, even when before they just told you how much they like you), 800 Euro in debt, cause I have no income and cant control my impulses, waking up everyday with a feelin of dread, trying desperately to do things that help me climb out of this shithole, but failing continiously at the simplest of tasks. I have no motivation left, because any hope I try to give myself gets crushed by the reality of where the last 5 years of trying have left me. I dont want to even consider the future, because all I see is ruin. I can't sit down and compose, because the feeling of inadiquacy and failure crushes me. I can't meditate more than 10 minutes because I cant stand the pain. I just waste away, feeling sad about the fact that Im such a failure that I cant even commit to a way of suicide because all of it seems to hard. I dont even know why I am typing this its not like you can help me with your "aCcEpT YoUr FfElINgS" "tAkE pSyCheDelIcS" or "wOnDeR wHo Is fEeLiNg pAiN wHeN yOu aRe gOD".... Sorry for that immature ourburst, but I dont feel like holding up any kind of social kindness. I dont have any left, I guess.
  9. Hey friends I literally figured out the root cause of all my life problems: I cant deal with my emotions, which leads to poor impulse control, which gets me into bad situations, addictions, and away from my dream life. This is the reason I have not gotten any results from my self actualization journey. So this is my first REAl threshhold guardian. This is my current plan: Read books on emotional mastery disciplin and addiction to get a good grasp of the field. Learn to sit with negative feelings through daily SDS sessions. Quit hard addictions that feed my negative dopamin cycle like: Porn, VideoGames, Smoking, Gambling, Alkohol. (1by1) If you have ANY advice on this problem, ressources, suggestions I would be VERY glad on it. @Leo Gura Did you always have a high level of disciplin and performing positive actions no matter your personal state or did you had to learn it too?
  10. The realisation that I'm all in in this life and I would rather die trying to make it awesome than just live the average life. Also I'm realising more and more how subjective everything is and how hard it is to find out what is the most true in any circumstance. And the realisation that I need to follow my heart more than my mind. That I need to guide myself and not do what others or I for that matter think is right. All those are slow processes though and not single aha moments
  11. My first trailer music album. Quality could improve a lot, but i think its not bad! Feedback very appreciated! @Max_V @Nahm @Charlotte
  12. @Leo Gura Cmon Leo. self-love isn't narcissism. Its the opposite in fact. An overblown ego has nothing to do with loving yourself. It stems from NOT loving yourself and having to cope. Some peope cope with an inferiour ego and some with an superiour ego. So please dont discourage people from loving the character they portrait, because that is the first step in Self-Love.
  13. @Aeris All of the above.
  14. @Milos Uzelac I'm in on that commitment. I'm interested in your experience with that technique.
  15. So I have read a book on a shadow work technique that left me with a HUGE Insight on my porn addiction in like a ten minutes session. Here I want to sahre the technique and my experience with you. THE TECHNIQUE: The practice of feeding your deamons tries to nurture your shadow side, transforming them into allies, instead of inudlging or fighting them and therefore making them stronger. You feed your deamon what it really desires, the underlying want that it represents, so that it doesn't lash out with reprehensable behaviour to fullfill that need. The underlying desire for the deamon that stands behind your porn use might be for example the need for love. The Practice Feeding your deamon is a practice that takes around half an hour. Choose a quiet and comfortable place, where you will not be interrupted. Set up two sitting places, one for yourself and one for the deamon. Then close your eyes. Step 01: Finding the Deamon Decide which deamon you want to work on. Then take time to locate the daemon inside your body. Find where you feel ist energy, or ist resting place. You can try to bring up the emotion that is assocaited with it to better feel it. Then observe that sensation and try to really feel what ist like, ist shape, texture, maybe even smell sound or temperature. Step 02: Meeting the Deamon Let the found sensation take physical form in front of you. Whatever feels right, let that materialise. Don't try to change it. Make eye contact with it, really observe ist features. Then ask the deamon what it needs. Ask it: What you you want from me? What do you need from me? How will you feel like if you get what you need? Don't wait for an answer, but switch places with the deamon and become it. Step 03: Become the Deamon Move seats to the place of your deamon. Feel yourself becoming it fully, imagine yourself completely inside ist body. Then answer the questions: What I want from you is… What I need from you is… When my need is met, I will feel… The wanting part is the superficioul want that the deamon tries to take from you, while the need is the actualy underlying desire. Make sure to make the last answer a tangible feeling. That feeling is what you will feed the deamon. Step 04: Meet your Ally Return to your original position. Envision the deamon in front of you again. Begin imagining your body melting into a nectar of what the deamon needs. Notice ist colour, texture etc. It might be a fluid, or smoke or something else. Let the deamon absorbe the nectar. Notice if your deamons appearance begins to change. Dont think ist supposed to change a certain way, but just observe if it does. Now observe the changed deamon in front of you. Ask it the following questions: How will you help me? How will you protect me? What pledge do you make to me? How can I access you? Change places and answer the questions: I will help you by… I will protect you by… I pledge I will… You can gain access to me by… Then changed places again and feel the newly formed ally flow into you, bathing you in ist support. WHY I AM ADDICTED TO PORN So I have met the deamon responsible for my sexual addictive tendencies. I always thought I used it as a form of getting intimacy and love and boy was I wrong. My deamon look depraved, skinny, the only huge thing was his dick. Picture gollum with a huge erection. Did you know how he answered my questions: What he wants from me is Sex. Pleassure and Sex. What he needs from me...(and here was the big surprise) is strength and conduct. When his need is met, he will feel powerful. So man, that was an insight. I wasn't chasing love, whch is why getting with a girl never helped. I was chasing my depraved masculine power. My conduct. This just freaking blew my mind. No wonder I watched exclusively dominating porn. So when I fed the deamon it basically transformed into like an image of manliness crossed with a bull. ---------- The bottom line is that I FINALLY understand why I cant chase this addiction. Because I am not feeding myself with what I am trying to simulate with it. Because I dont walk straight, because I dont speak my mind....I can count dozens of different things. So maybe this technique might help you to uncover the needs you are not feeding through your addictions. If so, feel free to tell me your experiance.