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Something to contemplate and wonder is whether any hope I have or reservations I have on suicide are delusional. I don't think they could be called "delusional" it's t- IF I HAVE TO FUCKING GO BACK TO YOU, MY INSIDES WILL TWIST AND BREAK AND I'LL THROW UP AGAIN, SO FUCK OFF, I'LL SERVE THE ULTIMATE FUCK YOU. I'D RATHER DIE THAN GO BACK TO THAT, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT WHERE I COME FROM AND WHO I AM, FUCK OFF WITH WAITING TO DIE JUST END IT RIGHT NOW I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO HAPPEN, GIVE ME THE BUTTON AND I'LL NUKE THIS PLANET IF YOU LET ME. I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK FUCKING TRAMPLED, I'LL MURDER YOU ALL IF YOU LET ME Sigh. Round and around we go. All I feel right now is this cold rage which surfaces. Is this cold rage and hollow self all that's left of me? I mean aggression can be channeled into things but it's not exactly predictable or easy to access rage either. It's alien to me, random and violently inclined. Now you know it's not exactly "random" in the sense that that word kills all observation of it and knowledge of situations you've seen it in. The rage, pretty sure it's directed at my family and....some other life situations you found yourself in However, the rage is abstracted, in the sense that it is not really tied to a person strictly, e.g. you got mad at ___ and ___ last week with cold rage but it faded towards them and you were friendly. Although because you feel cold rage now, I'm sure you're reminded of it. Release is not the same as catharsis, but this rage remains suppressed in me, dictating it's own terms of release which are rather tyrannical. It will only allow itself to perpetuate itself in it's release, not allowing for anything else

I still don't understand what reality is. After hundreds of Leo's videos, hundreds of hours meditation+yoga, +10 psychedelic trips, Reality seems ALIEN for me. Today I was walking back home and I was listening to music. A space "opened up". It felt like the music was being played in this "space". Sure you can call it awareness. But that doesn't explain SHIT. Afterwards I started looking at the Cars parked on the right. The scene was humoristic, like a sadistic humor. Because this cars suddenly didn't look like mere objects. It's like they were Reality, itself. Like I was looking at the most important thing in the world. And they were just..."cars". Anyway I didn't understand what that experienced meant anyway. Just like it was alien as fuck. Then to conclude my weird fucking day, i did my 30min meditation session and in the middle of it I start to explode in this wave of energy with hands and arms like I just gone crazy. What did I do it? No fucking idea. And the last 5 minutes I just started doing the same twisted scene that I did on my last LSD trip, which was started to move and touch my hands trying to "wake myself up". "Hey, this is it, wake up, you are here". "Dude, here, here, here". Like I had been dreaming a fantasy, a dream, with my own mind all my life with thoughts, the universe, I, material reality, everything were concepts and thoughts, all of that wasn't real, and suddenly I wake up that it was just a dream. But who knows, all I know is that now I gotta go fix me some dinner and tomorrow gotta go working. Never going to get it.

Seth Speaks notes - chapter 2 My present environment, work and activities: While my environment differs in rather important respects from that of my readers, I can assure you, with ironic understatement, that it is as vivid, varied, and vital as physical existence. It is more pleasurable, though my ideas of pleasure have changed some since I was a physical being, being more rewarding and offering far greater opportunities for creative achievement. My present existence is the most challenging one that I have known, and I have known many, both physical and nonphysical. There is not just one dimension in which nonphysical consciousness resides. My environment, now, is not like the one in which you will find yourself immediately after death. I cannot help speaking humorously, but you must die many times before you enter this particular plane of existence. (Birth is more of a shock than death. Sometimes when you die you do not realize it, but birth almost always implies a sharp and sudden recognition. So there is no need to fear death. My work in this environment provides far more challenge than any of you know, and it also necessitates the manipulation of creative materials that are nearly beyond your present comprehension. I will say more of this shortly. First of all, you must understand that no objective reality exists but that which is created by consciousness. Consciousness always creates form, and not the other way around. So my environment is a reality of existence created by myself and others like me, and it represents the manifestation of our development. We do not use permanent structures. There is not a city or a town, for example, in which I swell. I do not mean to imply that we are off in empty space. For one thing we do not think of space as you do, and we form whatever particular images we want to surround us. They are created by our mental patterns, just as your own physical reality is created in perfect replica of your inner desires and thoughts. You think that objects exist independently of you, not realizing that they are instead the manifestations of your own psychological and physic selves. We realize that we form our own reality, and therefore we do so with considerable joy and creative abandon. In my environment you would be highly disoriented, for it would seem to you as if it lacked coherency. We are aware if the inner laws that govern all materializations, however. I can have it night or day, in your terms, as I prefer, or any period of say, your history. These changing forms would in no way bother my associates for they would take them as immediate clues as to my mood, feelings, and ideas. Permanency and stability basically have nothing to do with form; but with the integration of pleasure, purpose, accomplishment, and identity. I travel to many other levels of existence in order to fulfill my duties, which are primarily those of a teacher and educator, and I use whatever aids and techniques serve me best within those systems. In other words, I may teach the same lesson in many different ways, according to the abilities and assumptions that are inherent in any given system in which I must operate. I use one portion of myself from many personalities that are available to my identity in these communications. In other systems of reality, this particular Seth personality that I, the larger Seth identity adopt here, would not be understood. All systems of reality are not physically oriented, you see, and some are entirely unacquainted with physical form. Nor is sex, as you understand it, natural to them, Therefore I would not communicate as a male personality who has lived many physical existences, though this is a legitimate and valid portion of my identity. Now: In my home environment I assume whatever shape I please and it may vary, and done, with the nature of my thoughts. You, however, form your own physical image at an unconscious level in more or less the same manner, but with some important differences. You usually do not realize that your physical body is created by you at each moment as a direct result of your inner conception of what you are, or that it changes in important chemical and electromagnetic ways with the ever-moving pace of your own thought. Having long ago recognized the dependence of form upon consciousness, we have simply been able to change our forms entirely so that they more faithfully follow each nuance of our inner experience. This ability to change form is an inherent characteristic of any consciousness. Only the degree of proficiency and actualization varies. You can see this in your own system, in a slowed-down version, when you observe the changing forms taken by living matter through its evolutionary history. Now, we can also take several forms at one time, so to speak, but you can also do this although you do not generally realize it. Your physical form can lie sleeping and inert upon the bed while your consciousness travels in a dream form to places quite distant. Simultaneously you may create a thought form of yourself, identical in every respect, and this pay appear in the room of a friend quite without your conscious awareness. So consciousness is not limited as to the forms it can create at any given time. We are rather more advanced along these lines than you, and when we create such forms we do so with complete awareness. I share my field of existence with others who have more or less the same challenges to meet, the same overall pattern of development. Some I have known and others I have not. We communicate telepathically, but then again, telepathy is the basis for your languages, without which their symbolism would be meaningless. Because we do communicate in this manner, this does not necessarily mean that we use mental words, for we do not. We communicate instead through what I can only call thermal electromagnetic images that are capable of supporting much more meaning in one sequence. The intensity of the communication is dependent upon the emotional intensity behind it, although the phrase emotional intensity may be misleading. We do feel an equivalent of what you call emotions, though these are not the love or hate or anger that you know. Your feelings can best be described as the three-dimensional materializations of far greater psychological events and experienced that are related to the inner senses. Suffice it here to say that we have strong emotional experience, although it differs in a large measure from your own. It is far less limited and far more expansive in that we are also aware and responsive to the emotional climate as a whole. We are much freer to feel and experience, because we are not afraid of being swept up by feeling. Our identities do not feel threatened, for example, by the strong emotions of another. We are able to travel through emotions in a wat that is not now natural to you, and to translate them into other facets of creativity than those with which you are familiar. We do not feel the need to conceal emotions, for we know it is basically impossible and undesirable. Within your system they can appear troublesome because you have not yet learned how to use them. We are only now learning their full potential, and the powers of creativity with which they are connected. Since we realize that our identity is not dependent upon form, therefore, of course, we do not fear changing it, knowing that we can adopt any form we desire. We do not know death in your terms. Our existence takes us into many other environments, and we blend into these. We follow what rules of form exist within these environments. All of us here are teachers, and we therefore adapt our methods, also, so that they will make sense to personalities with varying ideas of reality. Consciousness is not dependent upon form. It always seeks to create form. There are no real barriers to separate the systems of which I speak. The only separation is brought about by the varying abilities of personalities to perceive and manipulate. You exist in the midst of many other systems of reality, for example, but you do not perceive them. And even when some event intrudes from these systems into your own three dimensional existence, you are not able to interpret it, for it is distorted by the very fact of entry. I told you that we do not experience you time sequence. We travel through various intensities. Our work, development, and experience all takes place within what I term the moment point. Here within the moment point, the smallest thought is brought to fruition, the slightest possibility explored, the probabilities thoroughly examined, the least or the most forceful feeling entertained. It is difficult to explain this clearly, and yet the moment point is the framework within which we have our psychological experience. Within it, simultaneous actions follow freely through associative patterns. For example, pretend that I think of you. In so doing I immediately experience - and fully - your past, present and future in your terms, and all of those strong or determining emotions and motivations that have ruled you. I can travel through those experiences with you, if I choose. We can follow a consciousness through all of its forms, for example, and in your terms, within the flicker of an eye. Now it takes study, development, and experience before an identity can learn to hold its own stability in the face of such constant stimuli; and many of us have gotten lost, even forgetting who we were until we once more awakened to ourselves. Much of this is quite automatic to us now. In the infinite varieties of consciousness, we are still aware of a small percentage of the entire banks of personalities that exist. For our vacations we visit amid quite simple life forms, and blend with them. To this extend we indulge in relaxation and sleep, for we can spend a century as a tree or an an uncomplicated life form in another reality. We delight our consciousness with the enjoyment of simple existence. We may create, you see, the forest in which we grow. Usually however, we are highly active, our full energies focused in our work and in new challenges. We can form from ourselves, from our own psychological entireties, other personalities whenever we wish. These, however, must then develop according to their own merit, using the creative abilities inherent in them. They are free to go their own way. We do not do this lightly, however. Each reader is a portion of his or her own entity, and is developing toward the same kind of existence that I know. In childhood and in the dream state, each personality is aware to some extend of the true freedom that belongs to its own inner consciousness. These abilities of which I speak, therefore, are inherent characteristics of consciousness as a whole and of each personality. My environment changes constantly, so does your own. If a room suddenly appears small and cramped to you, and you take it for granted that this change of dimension is imaginative. The fact is that the room under such conditions will have changed quite definitely, and in very major respects, even though the physical measurements will still measure the same. The entire psychological impact of the room will have altered. Its effect will be felt my others besides yourself. It will attract certain kinds of events rather than others, and it will alter your own psychological structure and hormonal output. You will react to the altered state of the room even in quite physical ways, though its width or length, in inches or feet, may not seem to vary. You are constantly changing the form, the shape, the contour, and the meaning of your physical body and most intimate environment, although you do your best to ignore these constant alterations. On the other hand, we allow them full rein, knowing that we are motivated by an inner stability that can well afford spontaneity and creation, and realizing that spiritual and psychological identity are dependent upon creative change. Our environment therefor is composed of exquisite imbalances where change is allowed full play. You own time structure misleads you into your ideas of the relative permanency of physical matter, and you close your eyes to the constant alterations within it. Your physical senses confine you as best they can to the perception of a highly formalized reality. Only through the use of the intuitions and in sleep and dream states, as a rule, can you perceive the joyfully changing nature of your own, and any, consciousness. There is no end to our environment. In your terms there would be no lack of space or time in which to operate. Now this would put tremendous pressure on any consciousness without proper background and development. We do not have one simple, cozy universe in which to hide. We are alert to other quite alien systems of reality that flash on the very outskirts of consciousness as we know it. There are far more various kinds of consciousness than there are physical forms, each with its own patterns of perception, dwelling within its own camouflage system. Yet all of these have inner knowledge of the reality that exists within all camouflage and that composes any reality, by whatever name it is called. Now many of these freedoms are quite natural to you in the dream state, and you form dream environments often to exercise such potentials. You can learn to change your physical environment, therefore, by learning to change and manipulate your dream environment. You can also suggest specific dreams in which a desired change is seen, and under certain conditions these will then appear in your physical reality. Now often you do this without realizing it. Whole consciousness adopts various forms. It need not always be within a form. All forms are not physical ones. Some personalities, therefore, have never been physical. They have evolved along different lines, and their psychological structures would be alien to your own. To some extent I also travel through such environments. Consciousness must show itself, however. It cannot unbe. It is not physical, it must therefore show its activation in other ways. In some systems for example, it forms highly integrated mathematical and musical patterns that are themselves stimuli for other universal systems. The senses that you use, in a very real manner, create the environment that you perceive. Your physical senses necessitate the perception of a three-dimensional reality. Consciousness is equipped with inner perceptors, however. These are inherent within all consciousness, regardless of its development. These perceptors operate quite independently from those that might be assumed when a given consciousness adopts a specialized form, such as a physical body, in order to operate in a particular system. Each reader, therefore, had inner senses, and to some extent uses them constantly, though he is not aware of doing so at an egotistical level. Now, we use the inner senses quite freely and consciously. If you were to do so, then you would perceive the same kind of environment in which I have my existence. You would see an uncamouflaged situation, in which events form and were free and not stuck in a jellylike mold of time. You could see, for example, you present livingroom not only as a conglomeration of permanent-appearing furniture, but switch your focus and see the immense and constant dance of molecules and other particles that compose the various objects. You could see a phosphorescent-like glow, the aura of electromagnetic structures that compose the molecules themselves. You could, if you wished, condense your consciousness until it was small enough to travel through a single molecule, and from the molecule's own world look out and survey the universe of the room and the gigantic galaxy of interrelated, ever-moving star-like shapes. Now all of these possibilities represent a legitimate reality. Yours is no more legitimate than any other, but it is the only one that you perceive. Using the inner senses we become conscious creators, cocreators. But you are unconscious cocreators whether you know it or not. If our environment seems unstructured to you, it is only because you do not understand the true nature of order, which has nothing to do with permanent form, but only appears to have form from your perspective. There is no four o'clock in the afternoon or nine o'clock in the evening in my environment. By this I mean that I am not restricted to a time sequence. There is nothing preventing me from experiencing such sequences if I choose. We experience time, or what you would call its equivalent nature, in terms of intensities of experience, a psychological time with its own peaks and valleys. This is somewhat similar to your own emotional feelings when time seems speeded up or slowed down, but it is vastly different in important ways. Our psychological time could be compared in terms of environment to the walls of a room, but in our case the walls would be constantly changing in colour, size, height, depth and width. Our psychological structures are different, practically speaking, in that we utilize a multidimensional psychological reality that you inherently possess , but are unfamiliar with at an egotistical level. It is natural, then, that our environment would have multidimensional qualities that the physical senses would never perceive. Now I project a portion of my reality as I dictate this book to an undifferentiated level between systems that is relatively clear of camouflage. It is an inactive area, comparatively speaking. If you were thinking it terms of physical reality, then this area could be likened to one immediately above the atmosphere of your earth. However, I am speaking of psychological and psychic atmospheres. It is also in a way distance from my own environment, for in my own environment I would have some difficulties in relating the information in psychically oriented terms. You must understand that by distance I do not refer to space. Creation and perception are far more intimately connected than any of your scientists realize. It is quite true that your physical senses create the reality that they perceive. A tree is something far different to a microbe, a bird, an insect, and a man who stand beneath it. I am not saying that the tree only appears to be different. It is different. You perceive its reality through one highly specialized set of senses. This does not mean that its reality exists in that form in any more basic way than it exists in the form perceived by the microbe, insect or bird. You cannot perceive the quite valid reality of that tree in any context but your own. This applies to anything within the physical system that you know. It is not that physical reality is false. It is that the physical picture is simply one of an infinite number of ways of perceiving the various guises through which consciousness expresses itself. The physical senses force you to translate experience into physical perceptions. The inner senses open your range of perception, allow you to interpret experience in a far freer manner and to create new forms and new channels through with you, or any consciousness, can know itself. Consciousness is among other things, a spontaneous exercise in creativity. You are learning now, in a three-dimensional context, the wats in which your emotional and psychic existence can create varieties of physical form. You manipulate within the psychic environment, and these manipulations are then automatically impressed upon the physical mold. Now our environment is itself creative in a different manner than yours. Your environment is creative in that trees bear fruit, that there is a self-sustaining principle, that the earth feeds its own, for example. The naturally creative aspects are the materializations of the deepest psychic, spiritual, and physical inclinations of the species, set up in your terms eons ago, and a part of the racial bank of psychic knowledge. We endow the elements of our environment with an even greater creativity that is difficult to explain. We do not have flowers that grow, for example. But the intensity, the condensed psychic strength in our psychological natures forms new dimensions of activity. If you paint a picture within three-dimensional existence, then the painting must be on a flat surface, merely hinting at the complete three dimensional experience that you cannot insert into it. In our environment, however, we could actually create whatever dimensional effects we desired. All of these abilities are not ours alone. They are your heritage. As you will see later in this book, you exercise your own inner senses, and multidimensional abilities, more frequently than it might seem, in other states of consciousness that the normal, waking one. Since my own environment does not have easily defined physical elements, you will be able to understand its nature by inference, as I explain some related topics throughout this book. Your own physical environment appears as it does to you because of your own psychological structure. If you gained your sense of personal continuity through associative processes primarily, rather than as a result of the familiarity of self moving through time, then you would experience physical reality in an entirely different fashion. Objects from past and present could be perceived at once, their presence justified through associative connections. Say that your father throughout his lifetime has eight favorite chairs. If your perceptive mechanisms were primarily set up as a result of intuitive associate rather than time sequence, then you would perceive all of these chairs at one time; or seeing one, you would be aware of the others. So environment is not a separate thing in itself, but the result of perceptive patterns, and these are determined by psychological structure. So if you want to know what my environment is like, you will have to understand what I am. In order to explain, I shall have to speak about the nature of consciousness in general. In doing so I shall end up telling you much about yourself. The inner portions of your identity are already aware of much that I will tell you. Part of my purpose is to acquaint your egotistical self with knowledge that is already known to a larger portion of your own consciousness, that you have long ignored. All of your attention is focused in a highly specialized way upon one shining, bright point that you call reality. There are other realities all about you, but you ignore their existence, and you blot out all stimuli that come from them. There is a reason for such a trance, as you will discover, but little by little you must wake up. My environment includes, or course, those other personalities with whom I come in contact. Communication, perception and environment can hardly be separated. Therefore the kind of communication that is carried on by myself and my associates is extremely important in any discussion of our environment. I hope to give you an idea, quite simply, of our existence, the world in which we are involved, the dimension in which we exist, the purposes that we hold dear; and most of all, those concerns that make up our experience.

It did, this is basically the same logic as Descartes' Evil Demon Doubt. And it's true that on some level you're just taking your experiences on faith. Transcending reality by becoming Omniscient/Omnipresent is the best solution. Because as everything you know everything, and since you know everything you know all there is to know about deception and can therefore objectively determine things to be or not be so. Until then, you'll just have to assume that your experiences are valid. The problem with that is we're presented with a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. I can state all of the most profound truths about the universe and what it actually is. But if I communicated those things to Dave(or most any human for that matter) the things I'd be describing would be completely out of their direct experience and very alien to them. So they'd either take my statements on blind faith(which obviously isn't ideal), or they have to assume that I've lost my marbles(which is also unfavorable because then they're just rejecting the truth). Only empirically is there a lack of evidence. And this is because mainstream science isn't interested in doing the necessary experiments to verify/falsify these things. Well, the method Leo prescribes is to do 30mg of 5 Meo DMT ten times. However, I advise against this, not because it's ineffective. In fact, given the response most humans have to the substance(it produces an Omniscient state of consciousness), empirically this would work. The main reason I would suggest an alternative is simply that if you do this, it will dissolve your ego so rapidly that you'll have something like a psychotic breakdown(at least in the first trip anyway). It turns out that dying is a terrifying experience who would have known? I have an alternate method, but which won't work as swiftly but also isn't nearly as terrifying. For the next 30 days, think to yourself mentally "I remember my dreams" over and over as often as you can, taking breaks from that when you find you need to think about things in order to function then return to the exercise. When you're watching a video think this, when you're falling asleep at night think it etc etc. The reason for my suggesting this, is that you're effectively asking yourself how you can know the things Leo says to be true. Or in other words, you want to know firsthand the true nature of the universe. Your nighttime self has the knowledge you seek(or at least is more capable of obtaining it than your daytime self). You can transcribe your dream memories in a journal if you want. This will assist you, but is not entirely vital as you'll become competent enough at recalling dreams in your own mind that it should be ultimately unnecessary. If and when you've done what I've suggested, I'll want to hear what you've learned in that month. Based on what you tell me, I'll give further instructions. But for now, you should read Lucid Dreaming: Gateway to the Inner Self by Robert Waggoner. As it contains incredibly valuable knowledge about this topic. Including accounts of experiences that are effectively impossible under the materialist paradigm(which you can recreate yourself).

Quite correct, these things you're identifying as foreign beliefs are nothing alien to these people. But are rather integral parts of how they make sense of reality. They feel these beliefs are part of themself just as much as their body is. So when you challenge their beliefs, they perceive you to be like an external threat trying to take their life. It's only logical that they'll dig their heels in the dirt and double down on their convictions, much as you would if you encountered a hungry animal trying to kill you. You wouldn't just surrender, and think well there's evidence that I could be dead therefore I should be. No, you'd fight back, what they're doing relative to their religious beliefs is no different. If you want to alter the beliefs of other people, telling them they're wrong is 180 degrees the opposite of what's actually effective. Which is to show them they already believe what you want them to. Combine that with graduality to slowly alter their perceptions, and how they think about reality. And you have a winning formula for manipulating others' worldview/mindset. This is effectively how Charles Manson took ordinary law abiding Americans who wouldn't hurt a fly and transformed them into crazed cultists and murderers. Certainly, the same strategy could be employed to bring about the opposite impact.

Generally, women are loved for who they are, men for what they do. There is parallel advantage and disadvantage to living as male or female, for men are by and large deemed more credible, whilst women are more coveted. If you are a man the world is more likely to respect you than it is to desire or care for you; whereas if you’re a woman, the world is more partial to be desiring and caring of you, than it is respecting. On some level, be it conscious or not, it would seem our fair species recognises women as dependants and men as their guardians, treating each accordingly. On the surface this sounds like men get a better deal, and within ideological feminism this is what much of women today believe as they take a perverse sense of pride in being the victim. In reality man’s position comes with a burden, loneliness and difficulty of life that is as equal parts alien as it is undesirable to the feminine. When a woman asks to be evaluated on the basis of her merit in the way a man is (career wise for example) she knows not what she asks for. She seeks greater respect and thus the recognition inherent to said respect, but is blissfully unaware of the drawbacks that come with this. Be it that were she to be respected in the way exclusive to man, she would no longer be cared for in the way exclusive to women. Women retain enough infantile aesthetic in adulthood to elicit the compassion and care the species feels for children. Whereas men are objects of success, that is, a man is to be evaluated on the sum of his utility and achievement. There is no cushion, nor safety net for a man who falls too far into the abyss, yet were he a woman, his decline would be cushioned and prevented by social and governmental support alike. Nobody fundamentally cares for man on the basis that he exists, this privilege is but the preserve of women and children. Rather, his position in the world is predicated on what he can produce and solve, and it is by living in accordance with this nature and having the fruits to show for it a man comes into his own. Simply put, women covet the respect exclusive to men, but do not understand that the respect men receive is a substitute for the care they do not.

In year 30 of the 4choonilads mission to find the zuck; they eventually discover he has hidden himself as the clouds, and create toxic vapours that infinitely rape him. Truly a heroic mission; you can tell in his eyes that his every waking thought is hide away to recover his wounds of shame, and worm himself into a den whose topology is not yet invented. The destroyed atmosphere and ecosystems were the prelude to cataclysmic developments in inter-planatary politics that would spur on galactic war. The great zuck war; as new breeds of climate change activists wear zuck masks to do rain dances to bring forth something resembling water. In great irorny they merely haplessly summon his tears in betraying his true goal of never being seen again. ————————— Simulating honourability and respectability, that unreasoning thing will keep scheming. Scheming and scheming untill my life is all but consumed, less than a hunk of dirt, fed to cosmic dogs. What a tragic comedy and fate, reduced to the status humiliation fishing. What alien and nefarious plottings, keeping me fragmented as an agent of malice and destruction. Maybe I've been jumping ahead of the curve too much, far too much it's sent me into homeostatic insanity. I couldn't stop being non-linear even if I tried, every spatial and temporal realm beckoning me. It can only simulate honour and respect, just a mask. A mask for something that I hate, my own hate for it being that which is also being masked. In this now dead world, the pool of valid survival strategies expands to include the most scummy and deviant archetypes, a true regret to be in this era of lower astral supremacy and degeneracy. Cope upon cope, layer upon layer, diversion upon diversion, falsehood upon falsehood, attention/time loops, this is hell and isn't worth it. Satan and Jesus unite to curse this land. What miracle could save me from this madness, just what depths have I plumbed and what could possibly lie ahead if I kept going. Not good. This has to be climbed out of rather than dug into. Something like that is the phrasing. Hyper-mind expansion like this isn't good, I wasn't designed for this. Only a return to the simple could do it now perhaps. Some capacity or dimension of me feels like its been stressed or sadly enough burned and destroyed well beyond normal limits. I broke reality which would ordinarily break people. I can hardly call myself human anymore, although I can try to undo various complexes about this, which would require those humane faculties to be nurtured These evil mind rape tentacles should be neutralised before they destroy everything and leave the physical in a state of paralysis. ("The next fitness test won't be hunger or wealth, it will be agency") I've done more than enough destruction, gg, I'm calling in the game. Eat shit and drink piss lucifer, I'll send a horde of 1 million niggermancers to celebrate your burial. Out of love and respect I rape your celestial form into one thousand reverberations of dissolution and oblivion I cannot though enter that stream which trickster's out some agenda of unknown confinements. What exactly it is doing I don't know. So game on

That's valid, but understand the mechanics of how it works. Your entire experience as a "real" human being is a dream of yours. Then if you take for example a high dose of 5 Meo DMT, you experience effectively a new dream(although one that doesn't look entirely too visually alien to the ordinary one) where you realize that you've made all of reality up out of nothing. So basically you're God dreaming that it realizes itself to be God, as the hallucinatory changes brought on by psychedelics are dreams much like your experience of sober reality.

No subjective present moment experience is more correct, valid, etc. than any other, however, how your subjective present moment experience lines up with the story arch of new ones you’ll find yourself within will certainly make things seem as if an experience was somehow invalid. In Truth, all of the solidity, meaning, and understanding of the entire human experience will be eradicated and replaced with something that makes your current experience look ridiculous, alien, or just plain arbitrary. Ad infinitum. You’re never in some holy ground of understanding where you’ve arrived at an answer that will last forever. Even being a “fully enlightened” human being won’t mean shit while you’re a dolphin.

@SQAAD Your direct experience right now is the only thing that is not an assumption. Outside of that, you know nothing. Even using probabilities is actually a joke. The sun rising tommorow vs not rising has a far higher probability from the relative perspective. But not actually. Because the relative perspective is itself a concept an assumption! Everything you use to calculate that probabilty is an assumption, because it's based on the past. Past = assumption. Existence is a dream. 5 minutes ago you might have been a frog in the Amazonas, and then God suddenly completey changed/morphed colors and sounds and body sensations and concepts into your present moment right now with fake memories! And in 10 seconds you might be an alien in a different universe, again with fake memories of having lived there for an entire life. Deconstructing illusions is radical. Only in concepts and imagined memories the ego finds consistency, comfort and security.

Not being scared of death in the first place of course helps... but it can take many decades of meditative practice, or severe trauma, to reach that level of consciousness. Noone asks for severe trauma of course, but it has enormous capacity to raise one's baseline level of consciousness (easily as well as decades of meditation imo) when / if the lessons become well integrated. That said... in terms of psychedelics, you can get pretty practical about ego death by considering your substance and dosage relative to your baseline level of consciousness. The dosage of mushrooms required to instantiate ego death may often lead to feelings of madness and terror later in the trip. This is pretty normal for mushrooms in particular... they speak to you in an alien language. You can pretty much sidestep any of the fighting and terror on the come-up by taking a large enough dose. The come-down is another matter... It might be considered the price of entry. There isn't really any way around feeling some level of shock, madness and disorientation when you remember that you're a human being. This is why trip sitters on mushrooms are a good idea.

So the theory extends to shadow stacks if you want it to, so as to get an ordering of 8 function rather than 4, and ofc the way that the stack is read has more nuance than its position. For an INTP, Fi is in the 8th slot making it the most alien and distant function naturally. What this usually means is that if something in the vicinity of Fi decides to pop off, it's gonna be very extreme/deep, and it usually takes a lot of stress to get to that point. 8th slot functions get called "demon functions".

I feel this ego again, the rejection of what's meaningless and vague, negation of what's degenerate and repulsive. Contrast the sleazy, suburban nihilist of materialistic vanity, to mythological and zealous fury. Is it naught but cope? I know this isn't it either, it's a hardening and vehicle of expression for my self hatred and stored up curses upon the world. But that might be a rather pessimistic or narrow way of looking at it. In a sense, I know false rage when I see it and this is false rage. How regrettable, to look upon your own works and despair. Tragic! Tragic indeed. It's a November drizzle in my soul, and there's very little I can do to cheer the spirits or cure my ailment. "Take to adventure", they say. "Brighten up", they say. Don't tell me one and the other too So what's going here? Is my zeal the target of a cosmic joke, and I'm but to roll with jolly punches? Well "ha ha", I'm not looking to stop myself from walking off the stage any time soon, calculating the enactment of vengeance and wrath upon the heavens which subjugated me. This splitting and partitioning of both my intelligence and personality, how can I handle such a thing? How can I cope, and why does nothing but scorn and hate remain here? Destroyer of worlds, monster of hate and whale of misery, I hear your cries but not your intentions. Ambiguous and alien, whose creation are you? Mine? And what space of concerns would strip me of such a question to ask? Who could? From Gabriel to Lucifer, nobody could "An algebra equation to solve your own anxieties" - lower your voice. Agent of foolishness, servant of wickedness; harbinger of profanity I love my tumour, above all else and nothing else. Infatuated with my self and nothing else, whereof I begin is where you begin. So pick me up and fly me away now

Well, to be brief: 1. The current housing and rent unaffordability crisis is mostly because of this. Govt. printing money for decades has skyrocketed the prices of houses. The US has printed trillions upon trillions of dollars for the last few decades. 2. One of the major causes of homelessness. 3. Over time business in a country get more and more efficient due to collective functioning. As collective business efficiency increases just by the virtue of its existence the workers get more wages. Due to money printing the collective business efficiency cannot keep up with inflation and wages start going down even if the on paper number is same. The problem is this: there is no way for businesses collectively to increase efficiency at this fast rate. They would need to have alien or some sort of sci-fi technology in order to increase efficiency this fast. So it makes it impossible for most businesses to pay higher wages. It is like workers, employees and entrepreneurs create value for decades and now when they could have had an easy life turns out the govt. already stole it by money printing. There is no magical way for collective business efficiency to grow this fast. Everyone loses in this, permanently. At least long term assuming the right actions are taken. The basic economic principle is just by the virtue of existence the collective business efficiency in a country starts increasing even without trying and this leads to many positive effects. But the collective business efficiency cannot keep up in a country that prints money this fast. So all the positive effects that people have earned through decades are gone instead they start getting the negative effects, it does not even settle at a neutral state. 4. This phenomenon alone is at least 60-70 percent of the reason why the American middle class is shrinking. This combines with other bad policies to create an explosion. 5. This alone is at least 50 percent of the reason (probably more) for the polarization in politics. Inflation divides people more and more without them realizing it because it is not the first-order consequence making it a bit harder to detect for a person with average intelligence. There is about a 5-10 percent chance that the US will start seeing Venezuela-like conditions due to this in the near future. This is the highest probability for such a disastrous event in the US in the last century or so. So yeah, it is not overhyped by any means.

My parents say I'm on the spectrum but I don't really align with much of the symptoms. I do relate to this nervousness since I don't want to sound weird and I try to improve my nonverbal mannerisms since whenever I do speak people give me weird looks and reactions. I just try to say something, but it always feels off and alien-ish to others I notice.

Meditation happens at the “level” of mind because “levels” is a thought / thought activity / thought attachment / a belief, or in this case conjecture. If it did there wouldn’t be this suffering talked about, so no. Suffering doesn’t show up in thought though. Suffering is the discord between a thought and our true nature. Posted a video explaining precisely this today if interested. More or less yes. Not sure what you mean by that. If you mean like some kind of avarice maneuver, no. But if you mean a non doing or a bringing the mind to absolute stillness / no activity, then yes. Suffering is discordant thoughts, without repeatedly focusing on discordant thoughts suffering doesn’t ‘show up’. It’s like letting the focus on discordant thought go, and you ‘arrive at’ contemned on the emotional scale. And from there delightful, insightful, exciting thoughts arise, just like & indicative of the ‘higher’ as in better feeling emotions on the scale. If anything, there is a ‘big gone’ when suffering goes, as the entirety of the concept of a sufferer (separate self) goes as well. Nothing wrong with being open minded. I might be an alien, you don’t know. A human is nothing like an animal, but thought makes it seem so. Check, name anything which is aware.

@VeganAwake it always points back to some abstract me in the body that has no real substance or another thought, story about a suffering self. Does that type of self inquiry consists of seeing that suffering points to no real/consistent "sufferer"? @Tim R Just think about the explosion of meta-cognition in the human. In theory intelligence could delevop by natural selection. But there was an explosion, that caused the mind to expand for complex and abstract intelligence and communication. This could also be a natural positive reinforcement loop. Intelligence desiring more intelligence, but it didn't happen in the 100 000 other species. Today's explanation is the opposable thumb with the ability to communicate. I don't buy that that's enough. The fact that there is such a flawed existence of duality and original sin, and methods to overcome a conditioned sense of self, points towards an anomaly in humans. For example dogs have been bred to be intelligent, Border-Collies, can develop psychological issues like OCD, and that happened in a few thousand years. Humans manipulated dogs in such a short time. This kind of accelerated evolution is not definite proof of another species manipulation, but it's still extraordinary. The issue is still the "I", I get it. @Carl-Richard As I said, it's an alien mind in a monkey brain. The alien mind needs to find a way to adapt to a monkeys existence.

@BipolarGrowth I would still run if I see a gray alien in my dreams, you know how fast they could smoke your ass smh

If I saw a gray alien in physical reality in waking life, I’d have a large fear response at least in the first few moments. When I see them in dreams, I immediately go to beat their ass with no fear. It’s interesting that I always act this way in dreams. There is an intuitive knowledge kept in the dream that I can’t be harmed by them. There’s no difference between real and imaginary for the most part. There are different tiers of experience with maybe many more beyond just dreaming and this reality. Dreams are more open to mental control in practice if we look into lucid dreaming. Being more mentally flexible doesn’t make them fake or unimportant.

How Do People Even Get Themselves Into These Situations? So I'm going to a party school where a lot of the students have a shit ton of money to blow and get fucked up on the weekends. I'm not part of this crowd because I simply don't have the funds or the safety net to be acting out in this way and mainly because it simply isn't my crowd since I don't have much to relate to them on. But every now and then I find myself in a situation where I or one of my friends is a bystander of watching some crazy shit go down. Either that or we end up talking shit about some drama we aren't even a part of. One time I was at a party. There were some drugs, the cops eventually showed up. I just calmly left and was glad this party was over because I wasn't really having a lot of fun anyway. It just wasn't my scene. I was just standing there looking like this during that whole party: honestly, this is probably me in most messy situations lol The thing was like mosh pit and especially since COVID happened, I can't imagine going to something like that again. Not sure if I talked about this in a different post or not but I hate places that are so loud and crowded to where you can't have a conversation with someone. If I am going to spend my social energy on something, I better be compensated with a bond with someone or a good conversation. Like, places like those are draining and for what lmao!?!?! Another time my roommate from a couple years back, her friend of a friend got into some trouble at a party. I just remember getting a knock on the door by a cop that night who asked me a few questions. I was just standing there confused (and scared because POCs and cops don't mix too well) . Like I was just spending that night, minding my own business, studying for a statistics exam and I genuinely had no idea wtf was going on. Thankfully my roommate was safe and nothing happened to her and whatever happened that night, let just say that this roommate just cut those people off and moved on with her life lol. The other day, my friend who is an RA was confronted in the middle of the night by a bunch of college students banging on her door. One girl got locked out of her own dorm by two guys, a guy got punched in the face, someone was going through a break up, and there were people from off campus who got involved in a fight. The cops had to be called. My friend was talking to be about this over lunch today and we were talking about how tf people get themselves into these situations and how tf they have the time to get their work done in school. The other week there was a lot of crying and screaming outside of my dorm. I wasn't on campus that night but my roommate started texting me trying to figure out wtf was going without getting involved since we're both nosey af. The walls in my dorm are pretty thin so if there is any drama happening, the people next to you probably heard about the whole thing lol. Sex I feel like is a whole nother topic. There are a few stories i encounter every now and then and I'm just sitting there like *how?* and *why tf.* I don't really feel like expanding on that tbh. Then again, a lot of it probably has to do with my sense of risk aversion tbh. And I guess it feels even more alien to me because none of my friends are like that. Guess birds of the same feather do flock together lol. Like, it isn't even intentional but I always find myself in circles of a bunch of girls who usually do their work, nap, do face masks, and maybe binge on Netflix or anime during the weekend. We all have a couple of random acquaintances or encounters who are at the heart of the crazy stories (while we are the bystanders) but that's really about it. Honestly, now that I think about it, none of us really even smokes or drinks. It isn't like we have a problem with it or that we shame people, hell some of us might have a drink every now and then, but it's just not a part of our regular life style. Some of the shit I hear about, it sounds like it's straight out of one of those teen drama movies/shows. Whenever I watch those shows, I find myself thinking *how are you making the worst possible decisions every time?* *where tf are your parents? *if yall are in school why do I never see anyone do anything remotely related to school?* And since it's a TV show mainly written by old people who are out of touch with how kids are, I have an easier time brushing things off. But at this school specifically, there are people I run into every now and then whose lives are right out of a lifetime movie and I'm just sitting there like **huh?!?!** And times like this, I'm glad to have the role of a background character. Main characters have too much mess going on in their lives, a lot of the time they are annoying af, and they make terrible decisions. Granted, everyone is a main character of their own lives but I guess I'm talking about a specific genre of people as my roommate would describe it lol. Also in times like this, I sometimes wonder if this is how the law of attraction works. Not to be that person and I know that you can get into some pretty fucked up situations by not doing anything, but is this what it means to not be a vibrational match to a person or situation? Because again, it's not like I have to actively avoid people or situations like this. I'm just never in these situations and I never really click with people who are.

So much of my perceptions are through the lens of: this person is a real alpha male, with actual good genes, and this other person is not. Or I am not. I've been trying to make life choices to prove to my Father that he was wrong. That the weakness dies with him. And unfortunately, he seemed to be right in some cases: I had to run away from bullies at many instances, and the times that I didn't, I got the shit kicked out of me. The most extreme example being when I fought three guys in a street fight and lost some teeth. Setting myself up for failure, because proving my dad right meant that I at least still had that connection. I was still at home somehow. That could be the contradiction that has been taking up so much energy. I want him to be wrong, so that I can be successful, but I want him to be right, so that he is still my dad who knows it all. If you are poor, and at the losing end of a deal, you are noble. Winning = being mean and wrong. I'm sure he wouldn't put it that way, but that's the message I got as a child. I was talented at some things, but always second place. Now it makes sense. Saying "I want to win / I deserve to win" anything, feels totally alien and weird. Every life choice has been evaluated using the test: but can that get me to the top somehow? Never mind whether I enjoy something or whether it makes me happy. The only thing that matters is whether this path can help me become top dog in some way, and spite my father.

I have to record this, RE the above. After eating eggs for the first time in weeks, + masturbating to lolicon, BOOM, I found my regular "self". I found "me" again in this moment. Memory return, being me. Got me so happy, dancing and shit to anime bangers. Here's the funny thing though. I was reluctant to be my regular self, so I forced various bipolar manias and dissociations, because I thought my regular self was a bitch. It turns out my regular human self is far more "monstrous" and venomous than any alien bullshit!!! Right now I'm me. Far more hateful, spiteful and real than anything else I can pretend to be! I'm a piece of clay yes, but a spiteful burning one. Nipped it in the bud to not ask my acquaintance why they didn't abort their child

Haha, maybe just keep going down this! Maybe just explode into laughter and have sex if you don't know what it is Are you trying to understand the Ahabian tumour? It's an alien of no volition which you have zero grasp of, hearsay is that it comes in waves Is this some zen tradition stuff? Anyway, this is all empty meaningless speech Did you gulp down a shit tonne of david hawkins videos, doesn't seem like it, but that's the letting go ideology. Spoiler alert, but when you're trying this "letting go" what'll happen is that you focus on some image

Where I Am, How I Feel I have been reflecting a bit about where I am in life and if I should assess myself using models or not. I noticed some residues from the past that are corrupting my view but also some trues that I have been experiencing: I have much more difficulty assessing myself using models compared to before. This is a feeling that has been increasing since a few months now. I found myself living more between the paradox of knowing and not knowing. In recent days, I have been experiencing a bit more states of being a complete observer. I have been much more aware of my actions, thoughts, and emotions. I have been experiencing more clarity of mind. I had a sleepless night recently where I experienced what I think we can call an ego-death experience. It wasn't the first time that I experienced that, but it's always the same thing when it happens. What happens is that I feel that I'm losing my ego but it feels extremely scary and when it happen I reassure myself by repeating my identity like this: "Ok. It's Ok. I'm Raphael, I was born on March 27, 1997. I exist, I exist.". When these moments happen, Raphael feels more and more illusory and it's very frightening to experience. I choose to let go only one time in the past and I experienced no-mind for a few minutes and felt very light. I have some stage Blue shadows related to organization and discipline. I feel some stage Orange shadows within me that originates from a toxic phase that I had when I was 20 - mid 21. I have some unresolved traumas here. Some parts of me feel very developed, some essential parts feel under-developed. There's a part of me that feels retarded. About Assessing Myself and Being at a Level of Personal Development I noticed a pattern within me: when I have an insecurity about something I always have a denial and projection phase followed by a phase where I put myself as being above others which end up by admitting to myself that I'm actually below. This pattern appeared recently when I was reading posts about psychological models on this forum. These three phases happened: I denied myself. I made some posts where I claimed that I was transcending models and knowledge. A tiny side of me does feel that way, but most of my psyche is far away from being there. I'm currently admitting that I'm not as advanced as I portrait myself and that I have issues. If I'm honest with myself, I felt a pretty huge insecurity when reading these posts where people were assessing themselves. It's pretty ironic that after people use these models to assets themselves I make a post to explain that I'm having more and more difficulties using models and that a part of me is transcending knowledge. Anyone with a minimum of intelligence is conscious of that and they are many intelligent people on this forum. I perfectly knew that but regurgitated obvious truths that Leo already mentioned in his videos. My ego felt insecure. This is coming from below because I felt it. I felt some fear while reading these threads, I felt a sense of competition within me. I wanted to put myself as above because these posts triggered my insecurities. I am not transcending models and knowledge, it's quite the opposite actually: I am not using models properly and I am not consuming and applying knowledge properly. I consumed a lot of knowledge since the last 6 years mostly from Leo, but haven't enough walk the talk. I haven't been taking properly calibrated actions. I tried to show myself as being better than others on this forum by mostly staying in the journal section and creating "practical" journals. Now... things aren't black and white here because I did take actions and grew and these journals reveal that... but I'm ashamed of one particular journal: Let's get practical #2: Deep Work & Organization . I created this journal for two reasons: 1) I was mentally unstable and had to track myself to not spiral down in despair. 2) An ego in expiration, more precisely a stage Orange neurotic ego who wanted to brag as he was exhausting himself. I didn't work properly on improving my organization and discipline, I just pushed through things like a mule without a proper organization system. Here's the main distasteful truth that I am admitting to myself: my approach to personal development lack structure, organization, planning, and seriousness which is why I'm currently taking some coaching to improve all that. I haven't planned and prioritized properly my personal growth and I feel some deep shame because of that. I could have grown much faster if I had a proper structure and was more conscientious. Some people have told me in the past that I was a very organized, conscientious, and disciplined person, and yes I had some periods like that, however, this is far away from how I have been most of my life where I had to be serious. Most of this is just an image. I'm alone most of the time, the part of me that people see is a very tiny part of who I am. I'm a very private person and my private life is very chaotic, much more chaotic than I can appear to be. I did personal development in a neurotic way for years. I had issues in my mind and if I would think about them I would try to fix them, if wouldn't think about them I wouldn't fix them. I lacked a serious organization, I didn't use models and knowledge properly, I have been neurotic. I lacked intention and direction and therefore got much lower results than I would have got if I did that. The advantage of a chaotic life is that it makes someone very creative, original, and surprising. The disadvantage is that basic practical goals and long-term goals become difficult to attain. I would already have a successful business that would generate more than 10000 $ / month if I was more conscientious. I would have already fixed my issues regarding dating if I was more conscientious. I would have already been much more comfortable with people if I was more conscientious and accepted to follow my intuition. I would also have much better confidence, self-esteem, assertiveness, and boundaries if my approach to personal development was more conscientious. I'm not as advanced as I thought and it hurts my ego. I might be at Yellow intellectually, but some essential elements at Red, Blue, Orange, and Green have to be worked on. There's a part of me who feels retarded... like... really retarded. This is why I feel dumb and smart at the same time. I feel smart because I know that I have all the capacities inside me and because when I start to do things everything gets fixed very quickly. I feel dumb because I lacked organization, planning, because I didn't prioritized properly, didn't track myself properly, and didn't do things more seriously. But it's never too late and I'm currently improving all that. About My Stage Blue and Stage Orange Shadows Let's go back years and years ago when I was between 17 - 22. During these years I taped into multiple ego development stages: The Achiever: I seriously taped into the Achiever two times in the past. I taped into it when I was 17 - 18 which allowed me to graduate as the top student, then taped into it when I was 20 - 21 where it went toxic and where I almost killed myself. The Pluralist: I've always been a bit in the pluralist because I was exposed to multiple cultures pretty early but I went deeper into it around mid 18 when I had an existential crisis, started to question everything and entered a nihilist phase. The Pluralist: I've always been a bit in the pluralist because I was exposed to multiple cultures pretty early but I went deeper into it around mid 18 when I had an existential crisis, started to question everything, and entered a nihilist phase. After my nihilist phase around mid 18 - mid 19, I wanted to sort my life out and started to work on the base: stage Blue and stage Orange. I started to become much more concerned about organization, discipline, and productivity... and I encountered a lot of resistance from my external environment + I had some traumas related to work because of my dad. When I was 20, I had an internship in the UK for a few months so I was living there and... shared the same house with 7 other guys. We were all living together because of a lack of resources. I remember that I was the only guy who was trying to sort his life... but got shamed for it. I was shamed for being organized, disciplined, for taking care of my health, for not letting myself "live life". It was a bit painful to deal with but at the same time, I refused to listen to the other guys because these guys were disasters: they weren't taking their internship seriously, they had completely irregular schedules, they weren't taking care of their health and were eating garbage food, and they were spending a lot of their free time playing video games (I'm not saying that's wrong but if someone spends most of his/her free time like this, this is an issue). I grew a lot from this experience but I had a bitter taste in my mouth. After that, I entered the job market and encountered resistance again. I got made fun of for being disciplined and for being organized especially because the culture around me isn't that much organized compared to the culture in Europe or North America or some Asian countries (China, Japan, etc.). People criticized me for being on time, for being too much work-oriented, some people told me things like: "Why do things have to be so much clean, so much organized?". They were a bit of truth in these criticisms to be honest because I was a bit too much in the extreme. I became very perfectionistic around 20 - 21 and picked on small insignificant details and was critical of others. I had a pretty low self-esteem, these criticisms hurt me and I reacted against them by being even more perfectionistic. I got very strong reactions from one particular manager where this manager was himself one of the most disciplined, organized, perfectionist, and stubborn person that I met. I hated this guy because of how close-minded he was and I hated him as I hated myself and because of that developed some shadows related to organization and discipline. During this period I was also dealing with traumas related to my dad. My dad was always obsessed with work but in a neurotic disorganized way, he criticized me enormously for not working as hard as him. I knew that he was working dumb, but even if I knew that I absorbed a bit of his neuroticism and become obsessed with work to a point where the trauma exploded as panic attacks. A lot of this work trauma got released during this period, but I still have some of it into me. After this phase, I basically become disgusted by notions such as discipline and organization and became a complete disorganized mess, but then started to switch to a healthier place. I often time asked myself in the past if something was wrong with me for doing what I was doing, if something was wrong for being organized, disciplined, for taking care of my health, for not drinking alcohol nor smoking, for meditating, for trying to sort out my life, for trying to find my purpose. I felt that way because nobody of my age was doing this around me (and it's still the same thing now), I felt like an alien. After a point where I hesitated a lot, I wanted to experience what it was like to be like other guys: I became a light asshole and started to not care about anybody and throw out anger and bitterness and was disrespectful of authority especially when an authority wouldn't agree with me... and it didn't go well because nobody likes assholes. Being an asshole is useful in some situations, but living life entirely like this doesn't work. So was I wrong for doing what I was doing and trying to sort out the basics of life? No. No, I wasn't wrong for being organized. No, I wasn't wrong for being disciplined. No, I wasn't wrong for taking my health seriously. However, I did take things too much to the extreme and did judge people who weren't like me and I think that it explained why I experienced so much resistance. This is also why I exploded when I was 21 and got traumatized by aspects of stage Blue and Orange: organization, discipline, work, productivity, etc. Because of that my integration of these lower stages isn't complete and I have to go back to them. This is what I'm doing now. I recently started to build an organization system using Notion and honestly, it was pretty easy, I just procrastinated my entire life before doing it. In just a few hours I created a healthily organization system that works for me. Same thing for my work ethic, I'm currently developing a much better work ethic and starting to work in a much more conscientious way, in a way that is much more balanced and much smarter. To help my recovery from work traumas, I recently choose to change my priorities regarding healing: I was working on body-image issues, but I'm going to prioritize work-related traumas now. This is the basic, by sorting out my work-related traumas I will be able to have a much healthier relationship with work and it will be easier for me to fix my issues. Things take time for me, things take time, but I'm getting there. I'm doing the best that I can. So Where Am I ? From the Spiral Dynamics lens my higher self is at Yellow with even some very tiny elements of Turquoise and from the 9 Stages of Ego Development lens my higher self is at The Strategist with a few tiny elements of The Construct Aware. What to improve from a Spiral Dynamics perspective: Red: I have work to do on assertiveness and taking faster actions. Blue & Orange: I'm currently improving my organization and this is already working much better for me, I will continue doing tweaks here and there in the future. I'm getting to a healthier place regarding my relationship with work. I still have to work on my discipline. I'm currently doing some research on how to plan better, strategize and make action plans. I think I will be able to get to a healthy place here before the end of this year because I already have been very productive and organized at some periods of my life. I just have to clear my work-related traumas, tap back into it and refine it so that it is healthy. I also have to let go of the part of me who wants to compete with others. Green: I have to work on being more open and vulnerable, take time to listen more to people, emphasize more with them, give support. I have to work on my relationships and being a bit more people-oriented. I also have work to do when it comes to dating, attracting women, and creating an intimate relationship. Yellow: My intellect is there but when I'll integrate much better the previous stages, I'll get deeper and deeper into it. I have a lot of hesitation to put myself at a center of gravity. In a sense I can say that I'm Yellow because I have a long-term vision, see things from different perspectives, try to be as objective as possible (even though my biases may take over) but at the same time I have things to solidify at previous stages. In another sense I can say that I'm Green because I do some meditation, breathwork, and healing work (even though I'm still a newbie when it comes to healing) but at the same time I didn't think that much about climate change in recent years because of life circumstances. In business, I can put myself at Orange/Green, but I still have difficulties putting myself at a center of gravity and I think the reason behind that is because I have things to solidify at Red/Blue/Orange/Green. When everything will be solidified, I'll put myself at mostly Yellow because this is what Yellow is. Solid Yellow is the integration of all previous stages so that at any time an individual can activate a "mode" and adapt depending on the situation + it's about have complex non-biased thinking, knowing how to create meaning, and much more. What to improve from a 9 Stages of Ego Development perspective: Conformist: I have some progress to care less about what people think of me. Expert: I have a bit of progress to do on doing the right thing. I may have some tiny shadows here when it comes to accepting other people's ways of doing things. I have some feeling of competitiveness to let go here. Achiever: I currently have to tap again into it because of business necessities. I have to learn to trust people better when it comes to getting things done. I have to learn to let go of this small feeling of wanting to do things fast and achieving enough. Pluralist: I'm a bit of a dreamer many times, so it needs to be improved. I currently have to self-analyze myself more to heal my traumas. I also have some inner conflicts many times. Strategist: I have progress to do when it comes to emphasizing with others, tolerating their difficulties, and helping others grow. I have to "walk to talk" more. Again, I also have difficulties putting myself at a center of gravity for the same reasons that I expressed with Spiral Dynamics. In a sense I can say that I am at the Strategist because I'm making a lot of changes and strategizing for a long-term vision. I have an overall view of the things that I need to work on at lower stages and I know some steps that I will have to take in the future. I'm conscious of the complexity that it entails and for that I'm currently changing my life system. I can see through the layers of thoughts and emotions, and I'm developing better and better emotional mastery. However, I have things to solidify from other stages so things aren't that easy. I think that I experienced some shame when I saw people assessing themselves because I still haven't fully integrated lower SD stages or lower Ego Development Stages, but this is normal actually. It's very rare to be solid Yellow or to be a solid Strategist, most of the time even if someone is at Yellow or at The Strategist he/she will still not be perfect and have things that can be improved by taping into lower stages.

First time I saw the territory, I retreated in terror. I was looking at a lake, contemplating perception, when I suddenly realized that what I am looking at is NOT a lake! When I tell myself I'm looking at a lake, I have already laid the map in front of the territory! Seeing that the thing I was referring to as the "lake" is something totally alien and raw was a real big and overwhelming insight, but also glaringly obvious at the same time. And now, here I am, making a map out of that moment...