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I've been suicidal last week. And kept on a suicide watch by family for 2 days. I started the youtube channel in the hopes that something good will come out of it. At this point, literally anything can take me to the edge of suicide.. With this PTSD, there are days that I feel good and there are days that I don't feel good at all. It's PTSD cyclic depression. This is my last try after which I will give up and commit suicide because I cant take it anymore.

Most of my old friends . All of you cunts are special. You've taught me so...much. I am talking to you... stariano crewwww. Also P (my oldest friend in the entire world ) , S ( an underappreciated artist who has failed his exams for entry into art school 4-5 times(!!!) ) , V (my first real crush, love, whatever. You know me. I know you. I love you with all my heart ) , Yung passssss ( we have a pretty special story dont we. do you remember what a racist fuck you were 5 years ago? You hated people of my nationality. how about now? ) , A ( A mother fucking genius composer. I shit you not. He is better than hans zimmer, or atleast he is going to be. Either that or he is going to kill himself or something idk. I really hope the first one tho ) , L ( bro... i know everythhing sucks. the world sucks. shit is hard. A told me you're seriously considering suicide. And tbh I am kinda afraid. I am afraid because I know you have the guts to do it. I know you are for real. Please don't do it bro. We are going to make a better world. I'll show you. You will see. You are a fighter like me bro. They have just taken your spirit. Listen when they come for me, i need people to defend me. You know I am not a bad person, you've seen it. I've talked with you , i've never lied to you. Most of them wont give a fuck when they kill me. So... if you were going to off yourself anyways, why not die protecting my memory or something idk. bro just... dont hurt people. this is not the way. the way is trough truth. through honesty. through love. Yeah yeahh i know you think all of this shit is cringy. BRO ITS NOT. ITS REAL. AND I KNOW YOU WANT IT TO BE REAL. I AM TELLING YOU ITS REAL. THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE BRO. hmm.. thats much more about L that i thought I would write. Moving on. Cousin. Cousin my cousin. Throughout me whole life you have been my idea of perfection. Of an idol or something. You always got all the girls, you're good looking, you can play video games, you are a hustler , you are way way way smarter than you make yourself look. Yeah you are very funny. Yeah you can play the role of the fool as much as you want. But friendly advice, dont expect them to take you seriously if you are acting like a fool. I realize now that you are no better than me. Yes, you are better than me in many many stuff. That doesn't make you better than me. I know so much more than you know bro. I really do. You know why? Because I never stopped searching. And i never will. You...you got comfortable. Yes you've figured a lot of shit out. But...broooo...you are blind as fuck to many other things. You've always said to people " hey this is my couzin, he is the better version of me" To this day, I am not sure whether you said that mockingly. I would really want you to tell me the truth face to face. No matter, I believed you. hahaha. foolish little boy i was i believed you. and i really believed you cared about me. you are perhaps the first person who ... idk made me feel heard? From our very young days bro. I was an a 12 year old fat shy fuck with anxiety and fear . You were a 16 year old GOD. You OWNED your school. Girls loved you. Guys feared you. Bruh,..you were a king. And you were talking to me? And not only talking to me, but LISTENING? daaaamn. thanks man. thanks so much. I just have one last thing to say. Those times have passed. I am really have grown to be better and an improved version of you. Your days of glory have passed. You are no longer that king and I am no longer that boy. You got soft. You got comfortable. Lets shake things up huh? The only thing you need to do is let your ego go and let me be your teacher now. I've always been your little padawan ( remeember how we used to fight with brooms pretending we are sith lords and jedis? ) . Do you have the balls to be mine? Let me go back to my old friends though. All of you little autists. Your greatest lesson to me was tough love. We fight each other, we debate each other, we dont agree on many things. Yet we love each other and we trust each other. Strange huh? I wonder why. M , my dude. You know what I am talking about bruh. We have SUCH different worldviews. We have fought countless times, about trump, about leftists and conservatives, about religion, about whatever. This made us strong as fuck bro. I respect your ass. And I know you respect me too. Just one thing, I know you are a scientist and you are a scepctic . Bro... sure alright cool. Nothing wrong with that. Just remember , the greatest sscientists were those who were the most open minded. #TEAMSCIENCE i hope i am not offending anyone by not writing them here. there are counteless special people in my life. people that have taught me so much . People I dont even remember their names, yet they have made a huge impact in my life. For example those three little gypsie children... oh my god. they changed me. you should have seen their faces when I gave them my guitar. They were so happy dude... they looked at me with those crazy big eyes, with huge smiles. they played music! Yes...it kinda sucked. BUT it didnt matter!!! THEY DIDNT CARE. They were so in the moment. And I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I just played some guitar in the train wagon. They came and sat next to me . They listened . I invited them over to sit next to me and talked with them, then gave them my guitar. Children...children are so precious The other gypsie boy. Who was about a bit older than my brother. He was still young. He wass on his was to work with his family. I was on my way to have fun for 5 days in the mountains, snowboarding, playing music, eating hot food, have a room to sleep in (nevermind the fact that it was shared with 11 other people. No, not nevermind the fact. those people were amazing. they made my stay so much better. they gave me food. they gave me alchohol. they treated me life family...huh. how lucky am I , damn ) HE AND HIS FAMILY WERE ON THE WAY TO WORK. It was freezing cold outside. They barely had any proper fucking equipment (he was only wearing a motherfucking jacket for christ's sake). And yet still...those people. Those people who are much stronger than my weak ass will ever be. They had to go there. They had to earn their bread. And they did it stoicly. They did it with honor. With 0 complains. He...a little boy no more than 16 . He went out there and earned his life. Me? I was on a fucking solo trip across the country , travelling by train and with my guitar. Nothing more. He had nothing to gain from me. Yet....he was intrugued . I dont think it was because of my incredible guitar skills or something. I think it was just something new for him. Something different in his miserable gray life that no fucking child deserves to go through. And I specifacly remember the choice. He presented me with one of the greatest choices I've had to make in my life. "Can you I take your guitar to the wagon next to ours and show it to my family? " Hmmm.. i dont know. Can you? What's going to happen ? Is he going to steal my guitar? I've heard that gypsies are dirty people who steal and rape and whatever. Is he a good person? Can I trust him? Should i trust him? Why should I trust him. In that moment, in a that split second I had to make a choice. A choice that would affect the rest of my life. Do i show trust or do i cower. The boy is intelligent. He sees my dilema . He says "nah nevermind dont worry. I understand . Its ok" . FUUUCK. I AM FUCKING IT UP. FUuuuck. I dont want to be one of the dream killlers. I want to do good! " Listen. Come here." I put my hand on his knee. He is looking at my eyes intently . " I am chosing to show you my trust. You look like a good person. Just know that I really love this guitar and I would love to get it back by the end of the ride ok? Actually. I would like it back in 10 minutes because i would like to play on it a bit. So. There you go, take it. But I expect it to be returned. " The boy smiles. The boy says thanks and rushes off to the next wagon with me guitar. around 10 minutes pass. The boy returns. The boy is very excited. He sits down next to me . "how was it? " "They liked it! I showed them how i play the guitar. Did you know i can sing? " "Really! You can sing and play guitar? Show me! " "Mhmm! Damn right I can. Watch this. " The boy grabs the guitar clumsly. he presses some strings in a very awakward way and he starts playing a song. I am assuming a traditional gypsie song , but the boy was kinda failing. He was failing so beautifully though. His notes were all over the place. He ...in all honesty kinda sucked. BUT HE WAS MAKING MUSIC. HE WAS SO IN THE MOMENT. HE WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY. ... I... i was so fucking happy watching him... At some point an older gentleman approaches. Is that his father? "Hey (name) . We are going to get off soon, we are approaching the station." Yeah maybe his father or uncle or something. deffinatly family. "Hello there sir. How are you doing" "Huh? Hello." "Would you like me to roll you a ciggarette ? " "Uh, no no. there's no problem. dont worry. " "Oh it's no problem sir. I wanted to smoke one anyways, you are doing me a favor. How about you , would you like a cigarette aswell? " Another slightly older man approaches. This man is around my age. So young. But so ...hard looking. A true warrior. "ah thanks I dont smoke. " "well" the older gentleman speaks. " Can you roll two more, my wife and her friend who are sitting over there *points to the end of the wagon* " they smoke too . " "ofcourse, just give me a second" after we roll the cigarettes we go to the space between the wagons and sit on the sides to smoke. We start talking. At some point the inspector passes and sees us all smoking and says " This is not allowed here! Stop! " I stay quiet. They just laugh him off and say " yeah yeah. move on" hahahah. they're so bad ass. So...we kept smoking. While we are smoking the 3 young gypsie children come to me . They ask me for money. I tell them to wait for a minute. We finish our conversation with the older men. They tell me about their struggles. How they go every day up to the mountains. to chop wood. how they take the train back. how they do this , day in day out. LEGALIZED FUCKING SLAVERY. IN OUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY. THEY. DONT.CARE. They dont care cause its "them" . They are "dirty" . baaaaaaaaaah. I give my guitar to the younger dude and he sits at my place and plays by himself. I turn my attention to the children. They ask me once again for money. I ask them how much do they want. They are quiet. they look at each other. They say 10 euros. "NO . Not 10. 20! " hmmm, the child is smart. "Reaally? 20 euros? What are you going to do with aaaaaall of that? " "I dont know . right now we just want tto get some food. " oh fuck. thats fucked. "Hmm. well thats fine! we can fix that. there is no reason for you to ask money from me though. Come with me. Lets go to the wagons in front. There is a shop there, do you know? " "Ahhh. Yes yes. Lets go! " And they run off ahead of me.

@Nemo28 have you ever saw a 14 year old junkie with foam running through his mouth? I have. In fact i saw all kinds of junkies they were everywhere in my old city. You must be either stupid or one step before suicide to even try it. Would i risk become like this to experience the best orgasm possible? Fuck no. Fuck all the cunts dealing death driving around with Mercedes

@Lyubov Are we all sorting out our bad boy / bad girl issues this week? Then you haven't experienced enough pain yet . The wrong girl will literally ruin your life. It could push you to suicide. Then you haven't met the right ones. A girl who is really integrated will blow your mind. But you also have to appreciate what they're bringing to the table. If you're addicted to drama, anything that isn't drama will seem boring by comparison. But of course it's not boring, it's way better. But you have to have the palate for it. It's like sitting and appreciating nature. If you're over-stimulated from modern society, doing something like just watching nature seems incredibly boring. But it's actually fascinating if you can stop being such a junkie.

Yeah, the illusion becomes a lot easier to see through once we've been around the block and cleared out our own emotional stuff that lead to the bad relationships. Truly, a lot of what being a "bad boy" is based on is a compensation for traumas and emotional issues. So, bad boy behavior can be kind of like the Napoleon complex. They put on a tough front to hide their weaknesses and vulnerabilities from others... and from themselves. Like my ex-boyfriend was always putting on a tough front and acting like a bad ass. But then he'd have big emotional breakdowns about once a week and be threatening to commit suicide if I don't do this or because I did that. And not to shame anyone who gets into that position where they're having those big emotional breakdowns, but it's just really detrimental and soul sucking to be in a relationship to such a person. It doesn't give you what you're really looking for. A bad boy is not capable of truly holding a woman because he himself is not stable. But I do feel like that pop culture image of the bad boy is a bit of a female wish fulfillment fantasy. Like being able to have the bad boy and tame them. But it's much more empowering to be with a good boy and then seduce his fierce side up out of him... And the flavor of the goodness is much better. But the idea of a good boy is boring. But when he's really a good man, the reality is anything but boring. It reminds me a bit of this quote by Simone Weil...

I can’t really agree with this. They definitely suffer to some degree with the likes of anxiety type issues. I had a budgie when I was a kid and so did a mate of mine. The one me mate had used to be let out out of the cage fly round come sit on ya hand seemed very relaxed and open. Where as the one I had would fly round like a nutcase then perch itself up on top of the curtain rail and it was very difficult to have it come down sit on ya hand be playful an that. It seemed very anxious about being out in the open and interacting with us. I don’t think they are at all in some sort of spiritual solitude or whatever you want to call it. Infact id say more along the lines of that they are in pure survival mode. And this goes for birds of all kinds and most if not all animals the more I think about it. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. But that’s how I interpret the animal kingdom as such. I have wondered though, has it ever been known for an animal to commit suicide? I’ve never heard of the likes. Maybe an ape, but even then I’ve never come across anything claiming one has. Just a thought

I feel like committing suicide. I just don't feel good anymore People are so judgmental.

Me and my partner have been in what I'll describe as a "successful relationship" for the past 10 years. So, here's my perspective: 1. We do see each other as "soulmates" or whatever, but we're not attached to labels. 2. When we started dating, I was on hard drugs and she was on the brink of suicide, so I'd say we were even "below average" on your scale. However, we've commited to make it work. If I could simplify and extract the most important keys of what made this relationship work, I'd say: no ego games, authentic and honest communication (be open and vulnerable), and LOTS of shadow work (both individually and together). Healthy communication and collaborative inner work builds a feedback loop of inspiring and pushing each other forward. This is of course, a very rough over-simplification, and there's a lot more to say about this topic. Yes, there are conflicts and hard times, but as others have said here, conflicts are not bad, just be honest and try to resolve conflicts consciously without falling into ego traps and biases. This is how you grow as a couple. Also, I'll say again that this is only my perspective, and I understand that different relationships work for different people.

@Dunnel I'm going through a period of high emotional suffering and thoughts of suicide as well. I can understand you're situation at least in terms of thinking about suicide and wanting it. It's amazing how many people are suffering these days. I wonder if it's always been like this.

Meditation is also about committing the long and arduous process of spiritual suicide too. Just realizing presence is a tiny step.

Suicide is not an option my dear. Please don't think like this and life is beautiful creation of God. So you should enjoy as much as possible.

People who have not faced deficits to survival because of awakening aren’t very awake in my opinion. It’s a common thing after full God-Realization for me to throw my phone across the room in an attempt to break it or flat out smash it to pieces. This is just one small example out of many things. If you’re actively trying to preserve your body, possessions, reputation, and pretty much anything else that makes up your ego, you’re still not awake to the fullest degrees. Last I saw Alan Watts drank himself to death. He never claimed to be awakened though from any of the talks I’ve heard. He always referred to himself as more of a spiritual commentator. I wouldn’t doubt that his spiritual understanding and experiences could have contributed to alcoholism or suicide though. I’ve certainly experienced many dark night of the soul problems that have been potentially worsened by awakening.

I have suicidal thoughts related to a difficult situation I used to be in. After my grandfather died, my step father moved in. He was abusive for about 5 years before finally being evicted. My money was stolen, he punched mom in the face yelling "stupid fucking whore," and destroyed the house. Meanwhile, mom blew money on drugs and lied to all of her children constantly. She told me to stay out of everything that was happening and focus on myself. She told me that there was nothing I could do, but I refused to accept what would continue had I done nothing. I did not listen to her because I did not my step father to hurt her. She tried calling the police multiple times and they did nothing. While considering suicide, I sometimes told myself "I don't care.". I recognized that these words were not congruent with my actions because I acted like I cared about the safety of my family. By recognizing that this was a lie, I was unable to convince myself to kill myself. I continue to have suicidal thoughts because of how I handled this difficult situation. I felt that I was powerless, but refused to accept the situation. I now have thoughts of killing myself because in the process I became addicted to anger. I told myself I should hold onto it because there is otherwise nothing I can do. I hurt myself a lot in the process. When directing this anger toward my step father I considering killing him or myself. I noticed that my thoughts stopped making sense when considering killing him. This is similar to murderers whose motives can't be understood because they sound perplexing when explaining What they were thinking. This could be a consequence of lying. What happened actually is that I moved out of the house and in with my grandma where I live today. I then made a power point presentation for language studies. I explained everything I had planned and the entire situation at home. I did this because I knew that my mom and sister could still be hurt if I did nothing. I put the subtitles in English and translated it Spanish for about 100 people from many different language courses. My older sister thinks I'm inconsiderate because my younger sister continued going to school with everybody knowing what was happening in her house. I knew I could not calculate all of the consequences of my actions, so I followed my intuition. If mom is forced to be checked for drugs, the situation at home can't be kept out of the courts forever. My society would have the power to change the situation and potentially prevent my family from being hurt anymore. Eventually my step father was evicted and more students at school started writing about domestic violence. How should I approach the strong emotions surrounding this situation? I am having a lot of strong reactions during my meditations and I have a hard time handling them. "I hate myself" is still a repeating thought. I don't feel like changing the situation made me happier.

Update: After 6 month i looking back on this thread, i just try to give solution who have diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. So quick story, after i diagnosed with ocd, long story, i work with psychiatrist for medication and psychologist for CBT, but what work on me the most is ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) therapy, this is work. Search app called NOCD on Play Store or Apple Store You can also search channel: Mark Freeman, OCD and Anxiety by Nathan Peterson, Ali Greymond Finally, after long journey, i can manage my ocd. If i look my suffering in the past, even want to suicide, it really glad i'm here and finally overcame it. Every problem has a solution, don't lose hope! Btw, right now i focus on finding my life purpose after taking Leo's Life Purpose Course: Help me if you can by reply on that thread. I hope this information really help you all who suffer with ocd, anxiety, or other neurotic symptoms. For me is effective, rather waste a lot time for other solutions that didn't work. The key here: Is let the thought, and don't do any compulsions or try to control them. Let thought be thought, and have no meaning. Keep practicing and see the difference until you healed. The obsession will lose their power. Hope it helps! Thank you Glad to share experience here, i made it with ERP and you can too : )

Serious and very pertinent question here. I mean this genuinely and sincerely. How do you meditate without going crazy? In the "altered state of consciousness" my beliefs and conceptions of reality are stripped away. In the face of the radical truth of the present moment, my gaseous existence, it's all too much. How do you guys manage not going crazy or feeling like you're going crazy? Did you just push through with conviction, faith and determination and it was all good? Is this some sort of metaphysical "suicide" process you have to go through? Does the crazy never go away? What is your advice/thoughts/experiences? 2018-2019 I had a fairly regular routine of meditate. But now I repeat the same pattern over and over. I meditate once or twice over a one or 2 days, get scared by what I experience, and then go back to living my life for a month or some weeks before I decide to meditate again. I've decided I'm going to push through this time. Well I hope I do, lets see

Does suicide drop your score?

Welcome back Leo. I really miss you. Leo you have transformed my life. You saved my life. Without you I would have committed suicide. Keep up the good job Leo. Your videos are like medicine to my life. Regarding the environment I am living in, your videos give me hope to live and thrive in the world. I love you and I love your work. I have tears shedding over my face due to your work. I will contribute to actualized.org in someway at some point of my life or return something back because of your awesome work. Your work has transformed the quality of my life. I just can't tell and label how much. Your work transformed my relationships, habits, life purpose, thinking, reality, development, vision, skills, conclusions, hope, internal world, external world, education, circumstances, feeling, love and advice. Your work has shaped the trajectory of my life. You are a reason for me to live in the world. Thanks again for your hard-work. Welcome back and resume your hard-work because without it I will not live or continue to survive in my life.

Sorry to hear you're going through all this, I totally sympathise as I can recognise some of your story in my life too. You're the innocent victim of domestic abuse and violence, your feelings of anger, suicide etc are the result of the trauma you experienced. My advice is to seek professional help, it sounds too intense to deal with by yourself. If necessary, your family owe it to you to pay for it too.

Wishful thinking. You're not thinking clearly in this matter. You're emotionally dogmatic and irrational with that position. I mean come on. "Suicide is always a dumb decision. Never be suicidal." That's like those fanatic anti-abortion people who go crazy only because their fucking emotions go bananas.

@BornToBoil Hey. Life is hard. It's true. No you won't go to hell if you commit suicide. I'm sorry if you feel pathetic right now. I hope you'll do better and find peace. There's so much more to life to experience, to love. There's plenty of reasons to stay alive. I hope you find those reasons.

It's not as much a "metaphysical suicide" as much as it is a stripping away of untruth. Pushing through to what? ? Pushing would imply that there is something to move away from.

It’s not about the thoughts, it’s about the body releasing conditioning. “Pushing through” is a conditioned mindset to let go of. Relaxation is meditative. Meditation is relaxing. Letting go is effortless, not effortful. When emotional misunderstanding releases, have a good cry and let it out. If you can’t, write about how you feel, and let it out. If you can’t, talk to someone and express how you feel, and let it out. There is no “facing radical truth”, “metaphysical suicide”, etc. It can seem like it from years of conditioning & suppressing. We adapt and don’t notice this, so it can be a lot to let go of. But that’s the point, and the more you let go of, the better you feel, and the less you fear. The radical truth is love, loving you, flushing the conditioning out. A mindset of ‘facing it’ is making an opposition of it. The ‘scared’ is emotional suppressing. The emotional scale is a great way to understand. It’s empowering to be able to move up the scale, to know how and do it anytime. Like riding a bike, it becomes second nature with some practice & understanding. The body mind eventually does it automatically as needed in subtle ways. It’s most worthwhile. It’s also not about faith, determination or conviction. It’s about beginning to feel, remaining present, or returning to being present again & again. The more you feel and understand yourself, with tools like the emotional scale, the clearer it is that there is no problem or anything to be scared of. It’s good that it’s coming up...notice the mind’s narrative, which essentially is the habit of suppressing the feeling, and let it out. Try a variety of meditations, one will ‘click’ with you. Don’t try to ‘force’ one style or practice into place. One of those meditations will ‘click’ ‘subconsciously’ with a specific suppressed emotion. This kind of does the work ‘behind the scenes’ for you in a big way.

Suicide is not wrong per se, but it's sad because it's just a misunderstanding. You are not suicidal. Those are just thoughts and feelings trying to trick you. You are not those nasty thoughts or feelings, and you don't have to follow their command at all. You are beyond them all, perfectly good as you are. The body don't want to die. Don't hurt the body. The body is completely innocent in this drama. What wants to die is the false you. It's just a psychological entity that has temporarily hijacked you. If you look closely you can spot it, or parts of it. It's sneaky as fuck. But ultimately it's not even real, though it makes you believe it's very much real. It's completely harmless just pretending to be you. You actually hold ALL the power, you just need to realize it.

Suicide is always a dumb decision. But so many people nowadays are suicidal is nuts. Never be suicidal.

@BornToBoil suicide is essentially in most cases a refusal to take the responsibility of living out your life through the karmic debts and spiritual lessons that beset you. Reincarnation can be validated in your direct experience if you have an experience of infinite consciousness and omniscience, which can be obtained through what Leo teaches. When you refuse to live out the circumstances of your karma, you end up reincarnating in very similar circumstances because the spiritual growth that was designed for you by God and Karma did not take place, so you're just kicking the can down the road. Why not live out your self actualized life purpose here and now? and then be ultimately liberated from reincarnation?