RickyFitts

No problem.

He still visits the forum as a guest I believe, but I think he's banned (not sure what he did to get banned).

'If one is to be truly free, then one must truly want to be free of all attachments, aversions, and dependencies upon others to meet their emotional and psychological needs. This is challenging indeed to many seekers.' - Adyashanti

He sounds like an insufferable crank to me these days, quite honestly.😄 But I remember him talking at some event featuring Eckhart Tolle about an awakening experience he had, and it did sound legit - frig, can't figure out how to embed the link but it's below: https://youtu.be/uIaY0l5qV0c

Way too far, I'd have him about 93 million miles closer.

I can really relate to a lot of what you're describing, having been on a path of surrender for a long time now (my internal mantra has become, 'Not my will, but thy will be done'). Particularly the sluggish feeling and everything feeling like a chore, just making something to eat feels like an intolerable chore a lot of the time and I often don't have very much of an appetite anyway. Also the fear of the unknown, it reminds me of what Adyashanti said in one of his books (the one I'm currently rereading, funnily enough, 'Emptiness Dancing') about how enlightenment requires a blind and unpredictable release of control - I think it's the willingness to relax as much as anything, I meditate a couple of hours a day with the sole objective of keeping my body relaxed and still (ie in a state of non-resistance), that seems to help. Thanks for sharing this update, it's reassuring to know that maybe I'm not regressing as I'd feared I was.🙏

I know it's a cliché, but I really do believe that we possess all the answers - a true spiritual teacher is only teaching us how to access the knowledge we seek, they're not trying to spoon-feed us the truth. If I have one piece of advice, it's to simply tune into your heart, because it's the heart that knows all, I feel. The problem is that trauma tends to cause the heart to contract, and a closed heart prevents you from finding the answers you seek, so you may well have to work on allowing the heart to soften and open. I know I've personally found this hugely challenging (though heck, I'm a geezer - you might not find it so challenging as a woman), but it's the heart of inner work (pun not intended), it seems to me.

Did you exist in any sense before you imagined yourself into a finite existence? I guess really my question is, what even is existence? What about awareness, can awareness be said to exist?

Just had a look at quote #101 myself, it's got me curious too - Leo says that I only exist because I imagined myself into existence, but don't I have to exist in the first place in order to be able to imagine? Doesn't existence precede imagination?

'Ditto'? Or were you calling him a dildo?

I know, it's looks really naff compared to this place. Plenty of discussion on non-duality if you can look past that, though.

This might be of interest to you: https://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/forumdisplay.php?f=165