Psychonaut

So I am in a real rut right now. There are lots of things going on; most of these just need a little bit of time every day, and eventually, they will be done. However, my outlook on life is not very good and even if I manage to get started I always suffer setbacks and eventually do nothing. I have found that my outlook and my default mode of "negative visualization" is one of the main things bringing me down. I didn't reach this conclusion through mediation but by taking Molly. I have found that about 150mg puts me in a very positive headspace, it makes me think about myself in a much gentler/loving/understanding way and lets me deal with past traumatic events in a way that I can reframe them or think about them in a more constructive way. So to integrate this into my daily routine I have started to devote a majority of my meditation time to positive visualization. Basically just visualizing my successes and the person that I think I can become. I have found that the trips have been generally positive, while on other substances they can go both ways. I have tried a lot of other stuff with only limited success (LSD, shrooms, 5-meo, DPT, DMT, 2-CB). Now I have read though that Molly should be taken with great care and I haven't seen many people use it for self-help. What would be a good procedure to minimize its negative effects and how long should the rest times between trips be (2/3/4 weeks)?

@xxxx I am really enjoying the Midnight Gospel. It gives me the fuzzy feeling of listening to a podcast.

I always felt good after watching Avatar even though it deals with war and stuff like that. A warm fuzzy child like feeling of lightness. Most TV shows make me feel bad, especially the newer ones and most of the shows with real actors. Cartoons seem to be less loaded and lighter. Are there any other "positive" and light TV shows?

I'd be happy. Then I wouldn't have to think about all the other people that will be inside of her after me. I might be sad at the same time. Just how I am sad about every memory that has passed and every song that I have previously listened to when that memory happened. On top of all of this she is still using Tinder. Pretty actively actually. She opens it multiple times a week. I just feel like I am in a movie and the person I see is not the actual person. This whole thing is a lie that has been dragged out far too long. It is just because it feels nice to have someone around and it doesn't matter who. It could be a dog. Someone is better than no one and I am just far too lazy and don't give a crap to actually go out and meet someone new. Just like everyone in every flipping relationship I have ever observed. A huge lie. To me it feels like I am the Joker in the Joker movie, or Trump after the election. I have a completely different view and then there is a moment in which my entire world crashes. It is revealed as completely fabricated by me. I made it and formed it in a way that suits me. It feels like I am dying. Because when I die my unique worldview is gone forever. Only I see the world through my eyes in the unique way that I see it. When a part of my worldview is revealed as false, a part of me dies. What I believe to be true is completely arbitrary. I could live in a world that has nothing to do with anyone else's world. Anyone and everyone that challenges it will be disproven. This is a lonely place and a powerful place. I am independent. Yet I am back at the same location. I am just sitting here, floating in space, observing. I loose myself in a body, loose myself in a project, attach myself to outcomes and goals. Just so that I can die a little every time something doesn't work. Or I live and survive. I beat the odds and spread my wings to sail across the chasm. Who knows. Gotta stay alive long enough to see what happens.

I feel a bit disillusioned atm. I have had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now. It is my first girl. Especially during the Covid pandemic and a lot of things being closed I have really asked myself what makes up a good relationship? What is the point actually? When all the bars and restaurants are closed. Swimming pools, billiard and castles and places to go to are closed. What is one supposed to do together? When it is cold outside and all one wants to do is stay inside. What can you do together? Cook, eat, watch movies and then? How can one not get sick off each other? What to do against the bore? What to do about the fact that after some time off knowing the person they become predictable. Everything moves on and new things are invented. Yet people stay the same mostly. Everything else just seems so much more interesting than people. I am creative inventor/tinkerer type of person. With my two 3d printers and CNC mill I constantly create things. What I do in my free time is mostly just a lot more interesting than any person can ever be. If there is a girl, fine. If there is no girl, fine too. It is often just that one can't be honest about not really caring about her. Any girl in fact actually. I don't believe there could be any girl that will prove me wrong on this. However, what is really weird is that I have a dog which lives with my parents atm. What I feel towards him is probably what comes most close to what "true love" is supposed to feel like. I would be devastated if something happened to him. When he wees on the floor I just wipe it up without making a scene about it. I make sure he is happy and pay attention to him, stroke him. I don't know what is keeping me back from feeling that towards a human. Romantic love is a different kind of love for sure. It is possessive, messy and I am not sure I am really interested in it in the first place. I am sick of having to act. It could be any person together with me. Sure it feels nice to cuddle. Sure it feels nice to have sex. Sure it feels nice to have someone care about one. In the end it is just an act. No one person is better than the other. They are just different. I am sick of having to play the "this is my girlfriend and she is a special person and I have to treat her differently/better than the other people" -game.

I feel really bad. I have been feeling really bad for a while now. I wrote the following text yesterday. I just read it and I don't know. The problem is that I believe it. At least partially. If I break up with my girlfriend I will most likely fully believe it. I have been together with my girl for about 1.5 years now. Then I went back in my diary and I found this writing which I wrote about a year ago. My girlfriend found it, but I told her that was not the way I felt about her. And then there is this from February this year. I just feel like its one common thread throughout these writings. I can't believe I am that person, but it keeps coming back in my writing over and over again. I honestly also don't feel like people understand what I feel even though it is written here in plain text. All these texts felt real to me in the moment I wrote them. I can't read any of them without crying. They are specifically written in a way that they hurt myself, because they 'could' be true.

@khalifa Nothing you can really do about the vibrations other than to let it do its thang. Difficult to say if its just multiple years of maturation on my side or just the different 5-Meo or both. For me its easier to smoke, because one can extend the trip by smoking more. Never attempted to plug more during a trip.

@khalifa I did have troubles sleeping 2 years ago after some 5-meo trips. Mostly due to sub optimal high dosage trips (~50mg plugged) and one particularly foolish trip. That was taking around 50mg in a completely dark room with no music or anything to ground me. It made me face one of my greatest fears which is being cast out into outer space. Outer space for me is the same as death. It is a space completely devoid of anything alive. It is like being separated from everything which provides a base for me to live. A separation from the mother earth which is the seed of my life. After this particularly traumatizing trip I got PTSD like flashbacks where I would wake up in the night unable to breath. In the beginning taking 5-meo felt like dying to me. I was fighting and it made it a nightmare. After some time it got better. I imagined I would go to sleep and wake up again. I know sleep is a bit problematic for you atm. However, normally when I go to sleep I am completely at peace. I can let go of my body trusting that I will wake up the next day. Even if I don't wake up I will still be at peace because I won't be there for the entire "dying show". I simply won't wake up. That is beautiful to me. I wished I could feel this feeling of the final let go before going to sleep all the time. This "Ah, I am finally at rest and peace". It seems like there are always two poles of how one can view something and the attitude one can take towards life. I like to ask myself "Am I happy to be alive or am I just waiting to finally die?". Am I in a position were I bring forth more of the creative energy which created me. Or am I in a position where I am resentful, destructive, unwilling or unable to put my creative force to good use? In that case it destroys me slowly. 5-meo has started a long journey of self discovery for me. I am often blown away by all the memories and attachments that are uncovered. Stuff from childhood which still affects my behaviour. I hope you will complete your journey and wish you all the best. My 5-meo a few years back was indeed like @Aaron p describes, I also most likely had a bad batch of 5-meo (yellow, oily and the cheapest I could find). I have stopped plugging 5-meo-dmt. I find plugging to be uncomfortable and it starts of the trip with this feeling of unease. I have started smoking it in lower doses and then refilling it for many times. For me it has become what I would describe as a feeling of love and a strong full body orgasm.

I forgot I share my birthday with Leo. Happy birthday to myself.

Soooooo. I like smoking 5-MeO. A lot. Like a lot lot. Whenever I plug things I get this uncomfortable feeling of something alien, burning being in there. DPT, 5-MeO-DMT. It makes it really hard. Unnecessarily hard. It's not a "I need to go to the toilet kind of feeling". It is also not a "I just need to relax" kind of uncomfortable feeling and then it will go away. It always was more of a "Get this fucking shit out of my fucking asshole" kind of uncomfortable. I just smoked 15mg and it was really smooth. It was actually benevolent. Cleansing. I was just lying there. No need for bilateral symmetry. I was lying symmetrical but had no desire to move. Just relax. Lie on my bed. When it started to hit the all familiar taste/smell of 5-Meo hit me. Very similar to the taste of regular NN-DMT. It felt very similar to Kundalini. Just much gentler. There was no feeling of drowning, suffocating or any form of dying. It just washed over me. Very nice. Finally a tool that doesn't add to the illusion but actually chops away at it. Remove all the baggage, all the words, thoughts, energies, blockages, memories, feelings, explanations, models and stuff that just doesn't work or lead me anywhere. Thanks. I plan on upping the dosage slowly. Take it slowly and steady this time. No need to take 60mg in a dark room and scare myself to death so badly that I wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling of suffocating and not being able to breath. Slow and steady. I have time. It's not like I am going to die tomorrow. And even if. So be it. I am at peace.

I can't remember it being benevolent at all. But maybe it mutated since I last tried it 2 years ago and is now a love bomb or something.

Does smoking freebase in an oil pipe work well?

Love is insanity, utterly blind, mindbogingly relentless, undeserved, unflinching and all pervading.

Petrified I am horrified, I am petrified and I am scared to death. I am every word in the dictionary. When I have been reduced down to a heart beat and also that is being ripped away. I cannot deny it's reality. What am I supposed to do but hold on to my damned life. I am fighting back, I am struggling. However, it is futile. I know it's futile. I know there is nothing I can do. Yet I keep resisting what has always been there. I am still resisting and it keeps being a terrible experience. But then all of a sudden it's all good. I am fine. It doesn't feel like I am dying. Once it clicks it just clicks and it flows freely and fills me. The void is filled. And I keep running away, over and over. Even what is supposed to hold me tight so I keep still doesn't work. I use it to run away further. I am numbed so I am not aware of the step I need to take. I am blind to what I am trying to forget. It has always been there and it has always flowed through me. God's love is all pervading.

Do I really want God? I have been training breath restraint in preparation for Kundalini Supreme Fire. It is also called apnea training with CO-2 tables and a freediving app. I have been training for over 2 weeks now and am at the final stage of my CO-2 table (1:55 min breath bold), Soon I will start on the O2-table. During this I have had experiences similar to 5-Meo-DMT. It is always the same crossroad at which I have to decide if I really want to go further. Do I really want it? It might be easy to say just take it. But what if you have never been there. What does it feel like? Everything is tingling in my body, there is a maddening pressure in my head, it is starting to go black, there are contractions in the belly, the body is screaming for air. Do I want God or would I rather just stay here and die without any repercussions? A thing that is glaringly obvious and which is something I am trying to find the answer for is: Do I really want God? Do I really have a burning desire to know God? Is the voice that is screaming "I don't wanna die" really me and how do I nurture the desire to want to be/experience God?