Psychonaut

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  1. I'd probably kill myself. A world without psychedelics is not a world I want to partake in.
  2. You have no idea what pleasure is until you have masturbated or had sex on 5-MeO-DMT. While masturbation and sex is ultimately the same thing. During sex you are just using another body to masturbate instead of your hand. Dissolving in bliss while waves of pleasure roll over you can't be relayed to you by mere words.
  3. Here is another one from today: When I am alone I am left with my mind. It operates without any constraints, any afterthoughts, morals and cultural imprint. It is left completely unchecked and uncontrolled. It goes in all directions and mostly it goes down. It digs deep trenches for me to fall into. It takes every high and lets me crash down just as high as I have gone up. Just deeper down, so much deeper. I am afraid of happiness, because I will be punished by equal and worse darkness. I am afraid of meeting people to come home to a never ending torture. Where am I between the poles of ecstasy and self inflicted horror. I am trying to loose myself in my split world of blinding sun and all consuming darkness. Just I am still there. Even while walking the razors edge of insanity I am not split in half. I am dancing on my grave as one big black and white Oreo. A glued together contrast of black and white. Worst of all I believe my mind and the voices that tell me they want to destroy me. I know exactly what they want and I let them do it through me.
  4. I doubt it.
  5. It never ends, the journal is being searched through and more writings are found. (4. Feb 2020) You let me inside of you. No, in fact you begged me to be inside of you. You wanted me to destroy you. You wanted to bring evil forth through you. You wanted me to do it for you. You didn't want to feel responsible. You wanted to be able to say that someone else did it. But it was you. You are the evil one, you want to be evil. You are afraid though. You don't want to be the evil one. But you are powerless and weak. What makes you think you are powerful is your last attempt at having any say here. But It is you, you have created this because you wanted to experience it. You wanted to experience hurting yourself. You wanted to twist your own world. You wanted to feel the pain because you like it. You like the suffering, it gives you comfort. You take recluse in the pain. The pain we all share and you plunge into it. You are addicted to it. You want to feel it. You will do anything to feel it. You will warp your world and flip it upside down. You will turn love into hate. You will turn certainty into uncertainty. You will turn voluntary choices into traps. You will turn freedom into prison. You will trap yourself in your own mind. You are sick and you know it. You can create anything in your mind and you can believe anything. You can see what you want to see and feel it. The rush excites you. It excites you to go further and further into whatever extreme you want to go. You see what you desire to see. If you desire to see getting caught by the police and killing them. That is what you want to see. If you want to feel the pain of someone visiting you in prison, but never being able to reach you, you will feel that. If you want to feel their reaction when I take over and nothing is left of you, you will feel it. When I take over nothing will be left of you.
  6. There exists an entire catalog of these writings: This one is dedicated to the girlfriend: (1 Oct 2019) You knew it and I knew it It was coming at some point The point were it breaks down Where the fantasy is revealed as an illusion Everything I ever said was just to make you like me Deep down I do not care about you at all In fact I hate you and what you are I hate the very fact that you even exist It drives me insane and all I want is to hurt you I want to betray you and make you feel what I feel I want you to feel what I feel for you Deep disgust and repulsion at the mere existence of you I made you fall in love with me by manipulating you I never was turned on by you, have you ever noticed? I wait until you are begging me to fuck you I wait until I am turned on by you wanting me so much that you are dripping wet You knew it and I knew it It was coming at some point The point were it breaks down Where the fantasy is revealed as an illusion Everything I ever said was just to make you like me Deep down I do not care about you at all In fact I hate you and what you are I hate the very fact that you even exist It drives me insane and all I want is to hurt you I want to betray you and make you feel what I feel I want you to feel what I feel for you Deep disgust and repulsion at the mere existence of you I made you fall in love with me by manipulating you I never was turned on by you, have you ever noticed? I wait until you are begging me to fuck you I wait until I am turned on by you wanting me so much that you are dripping wet I am turned on by the fact that you want me to fuck you I do not want you - ever, in fact I'd be happier without you I just keep you around because the longer you around me the more I can hurt you The more you care about me the more I can use myself to hurt you I enjoy seeing you suffer and I enjoy making myself suffer I even enjoy watching you suffer by making you suffer through me I live for the suffering I can inflict on you You care about me, but I don’t care about myself In fact I enjoy stabbing myself and hurting myself consciously It is so easy and funny how I fall for it over and over For how I can make myself believe something and create hell I know exactly what thoughts to plant to cause the most suffering I know exactly what to make real and what to make unreal I create suffering by changing your world It is so funny how stupid you are and how weak I love seeing you break because you asked me to infest you and kill you slowly
  7. There is joy being felt by the simple act of self torture. It goes so deep and becomes so twisted it is mind boggling. There is no reason to it, other than the simple very fact of existing. Just existence opens the door to self torture. It is not possible to psychologically self torture oneself to death. However, one can come close to it. Psychological self mutilation is so easy it is almost impossible to not do it to some degree. Self hatred fuels it and revels in it. There is always some part that is not happy and starts to take the brief flashes of happiness apart. Mostly it will be done unconsciously, but the self hatred can be so deep that it can be done consciously. By knowing the object of hatred very well the person can be attacked at its core. Especially knowing its values and external parts that are deeply embedded into the person makes it possible to break the person at its heart. Often it is enough to reverse parts into their polar opposite. Turn love into hatred. Turn beauty into ugliness. Turn motivation and excitement into defeat. Set goals that cannot be achieved. The list goes on for ever. The best part is that the self hatred is ultimate and no external person or event can ever make it stop. Only the person can stop it and it will never do it because it is an addiction and is so much fun. It feels as if it is powerful by not being able to be loved. It will deny love and interpret it as hatred until its death. It is even similar to a person that has decided to commit suicide, just to make others watch defeated as the person will try until it succeeds. It will try to reach out for help, even though it doesn't want to be helped. It will feel powerful, just because no one can stop a person from self harming psychologically. It is its own decision and it is a sickening abomination of power. Self hatred will never die because it answered the first question of "Do you want to live" with "I want to suffer and make others feel what I feel". I am evil. This is my manifesto.
  8. I forgot I share my birthday with Leo. Happy birthday to myself.
  9. Soooooo. I like smoking 5-MeO. A lot. Like a lot lot. Whenever I plug things I get this uncomfortable feeling of something alien, burning being in there. DPT, 5-MeO-DMT. It makes it really hard. Unnecessarily hard. It's not a "I need to go to the toilet kind of feeling". It is also not a "I just need to relax" kind of uncomfortable feeling and then it will go away. It always was more of a "Get this fucking shit out of my fucking asshole" kind of uncomfortable. I just smoked 15mg and it was really smooth. It was actually benevolent. Cleansing. I was just lying there. No need for bilateral symmetry. I was lying symmetrical but had no desire to move. Just relax. Lie on my bed. When it started to hit the all familiar taste/smell of 5-Meo hit me. Very similar to the taste of regular NN-DMT. It felt very similar to Kundalini. Just much gentler. There was no feeling of drowning, suffocating or any form of dying. It just washed over me. Very nice. Finally a tool that doesn't add to the illusion but actually chops away at it. Remove all the baggage, all the words, thoughts, energies, blockages, memories, feelings, explanations, models and stuff that just doesn't work or lead me anywhere. Thanks. I plan on upping the dosage slowly. Take it slowly and steady this time. No need to take 60mg in a dark room and scare myself to death so badly that I wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling of suffocating and not being able to breath. Slow and steady. I have time. It's not like I am going to die tomorrow. And even if. So be it. I am at peace.
  10. I can't remember it being benevolent at all. But maybe it mutated since I last tried it 2 years ago and is now a love bomb or something.
  11. Does smoking freebase in an oil pipe work well?
  12. Love is insanity, utterly blind, mindbogingly relentless, undeserved, unflinching and all pervading.
  13. Seems like some left libertarianism has rubbed off on me.
  14. Petrified I am horrified, I am petrified and I am scared to death. I am every word in the dictionary. When I have been reduced down to a heart beat and also that is being ripped away. I cannot deny it's reality. What am I supposed to do but hold on to my damned life. I am fighting back, I am struggling. However, it is futile. I know it's futile. I know there is nothing I can do. Yet I keep resisting what has always been there. I am still resisting and it keeps being a terrible experience. But then all of a sudden it's all good. I am fine. It doesn't feel like I am dying. Once it clicks it just clicks and it flows freely and fills me. The void is filled. And I keep running away, over and over. Even what is supposed to hold me tight so I keep still doesn't work. I use it to run away further. I am numbed so I am not aware of the step I need to take. I am blind to what I am trying to forget. It has always been there and it has always flowed through me. God's love is all pervading.
  15. Do I really want God? I have been training breath restraint in preparation for Kundalini Supreme Fire. It is also called apnea training with CO-2 tables and a freediving app. I have been training for over 2 weeks now and am at the final stage of my CO-2 table (1:55 min breath bold), Soon I will start on the O2-table. During this I have had experiences similar to 5-Meo-DMT. It is always the same crossroad at which I have to decide if I really want to go further. Do I really want it? It might be easy to say just take it. But what if you have never been there. What does it feel like? Everything is tingling in my body, there is a maddening pressure in my head, it is starting to go black, there are contractions in the belly, the body is screaming for air. Do I want God or would I rather just stay here and die without any repercussions? A thing that is glaringly obvious and which is something I am trying to find the answer for is: Do I really want God? Do I really have a burning desire to know God? Is the voice that is screaming "I don't wanna die" really me and how do I nurture the desire to want to be/experience God?