Vxvxen

Member
 View profile  See their activity

  • Content count

    188

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Posts posted by Vxvxen

  3. Posted

    @flowboy hi there, nice to meet you, I appreciate your feedback :)

    On 8/1/2022 at 9:09 PM, flowboy said:

    @Vxvxen  Hi Viv.

    I'm seeing a lot of advice in the style of: "Be more this, do more of that, healthy conscious men like X".

    I want to give you a different take.

    You will attract what you are being. (Viv: 100%)

    Therefore if you start to change the way you dress or speak or act, in the hopes of attracting some idea of a man, then the underlying energy is "I modify myself to meet someone else's standards". That attracts other people who are also portraying themselves a certain way out of insecurity, because that's an energetic match - together you can confirm each other's mask - until it drops and the real selves don't match.

    This is why I think it's pointless to take advice in this form. (Viv: Mhm, okay i see what you mean! I have withheld even trying to ask for dating advice at this point because  I find this embarrassing [I am 28 AND single?], but in a way this approach has open up a better energy for me, I don't know how to explain this feeling. It's something to do with - 'ask and you shall receive' kind of a thing. I'm not dying to impress just anyone.)

     

    As an alternative, you could check within to see what elements of you are currently being hidden, and how you can bring those out.

    That will attract people who match your authentic self.

    This is something I guarantee you won't want to do - parts of our authentic self are hidden for a reason.

    An example is what you shared about dressing down - here there's a behavior modification driven by fear, and so I advise that you experiment with the opposite and how that makes you feel, and how that new feeling influences who you attract.

    Not because "the right type of men like it when you dress like X", but simply because it's a part of you that goes unseen - the part that likes to dress really feminine and feel sexy.

    In this manner, you can scan yourself for other expressions of yourself that you are suppressing, and do the opposite. (Viv: Hm, I tend to filter a lot of things I say to people. Eg. Sharing about Actualized.org to friends and family. I've always had this impression that they wouldn't be into spirituality/philosophy/psychology/self-help etc. I tried to raise this topic with a new friend today, seems like it's not that bad after all.)

    This will create an authentic self expression.

    Which enables the right match to find you and be attracted to you.

    My question for you:

    • Which other interests, thoughts, opinions, desires, dreams, passions, dispassions, disinterests, leisure activities, behaviors and expressions of yourself are you modifying out of fear? (Viv: Sexuality would be the first, trying not to sound like a pervert to the people i know in real life, acting all decent and proper as a nice conservative girl - which is really annoying. Also, giving myself permission to chase my dreams is a big one too, I've been also suppressing this aspect of my life because I am my own biggest inner critic.)

     

  5. Posted · Edited by Vxvxen

    @mr_engineer

    6 hours ago, mr_engineer said:

    There is a lot of conditioning from movies and beauty-contests about the 'ideal body-type'. This is like a consensus, that everyone would agree is attractive. However, when push comes to shove, we go for women who have the body-type our mom has! Believe it or not. If our mom was fat, we will go for fat women cuz we'll assume that the slim women are out of our league or something. And they probably are, for a while, cuz our fat mom has bad health-habits that we've picked up from her. (And this is also why we are conditioned to go for women of our own ethnicity, cuz our parents are of our own ethnicity, biologically speaking.) (Viv: Yeah, we love things that feels familiar to us. i.e. if I have a dad that acts in a certain way, I might want to find someone similar in a spouse so I get to re-live the way I know how to love growing up - doesn't make it a healthy way to love though.)

    If you ask me whether a woman with a nice ass is attractive or not, I'll say 'yes'. This doesn't mean I really care about it! I care about breasts. So, that's what I'll prioritize when I approach someone! There are other guys to whom ass-size is very important. To some guys, it's important that you have a flat stomach. To others, they like curves. They don't mind you having some weight. (Viv: okay, got it)

     

  8. Posted

    @Aleister Crowleyy @Loba hope there's no hard feelings between you two because of this post. Both of you had good intentions to offer me your advice, i deeply appreciate your opinions regardless. I wouldn't want to get hurt too but at the same time I want to live life - that includes putting myself out there to risk getting hurt again. It's also putting myself out there to see - hey what if I do meet someone amazing? What I realized is when i meet life's adversity, I can ask myself how to stay resilient overcoming my failures and still pat myself in the back for making the effort? :)

     

  9. Posted

    @Loba hi there!

    13 hours ago, Loba said:

    Personally, I've had experience with men and I'm over it 100 percent.  Most men are dogs, abusers, manipulators, the list goes on, but good generally isn't one of their qualities.  You would be better off not worrying about men at all and just focus on being comfortable being alone.  There's a reason why divorce rates are so high, why women are usually extremely unhappy with their partners, and in general this isn't a good era to be seeking out love.  Focus on yourself and your own needs and forget this task. (Viv: Thanks Loba, I feel like your comment is just genuinely your honest opinion based on your experiences and you are looking out for the next girl that may fall into this trap again because it really sucks to be hurt, betrayed and disappointed by men. I personally experienced past hurt too and I get what you mean. Literally it's like my mom telling me I dont have to get married and I can stay with her forever lmao. Being comfortable alone isn't really fun when you're getting older though, seeing my single friends in their 40's makes me think I don't want to have that problem because I didn't try to get my needs met when i am young now - I still would enjoy having a companion (although adopting a dog is another good idea too but still - i need human connection and touch! The good thing is I still have the luxury of time to pick one even if I am getting to 30 soon.)

     

  10. Posted

    @hyruga

    14 hours ago, hyruga said:

    Easy way to attract masculine man. Know that men are attracted to both feminine and masculine people from time to time.

    At least 90% of men will choose a strong, intelligent and sexy woman as life partner over a weak, submissive and sexy woman. (Viv: For me, i don't feel using the word strong and weak is the suitable way to describe this point. Strong, weak, intelligent and submissive is a rather judgmental way to describe a person because to me, it is all so relative. (i.e. there are so many types of intelligence out there and not all are the same. All good though, i do get what you're trying to say.)

    You must remain strong even if you are disliked. Then you will be liked. (Viv: I am not a strongly opinionated type of a person, is that a bad thing? Ok, maybe i do have opinions but i don't like having conflicts, I hate arguing and getting attacked personally. I tend to get upset if I am disliked. Oh shit?)

     

  12. Posted

    @mr_engineer

    On 7/26/2022 at 10:43 PM, mr_engineer said:

    The female body-part that I'm really attracted to, are breasts. So, the women who do the best at grabbing my attention, without exposing too much, are those who wear well-fitted dresses. With some cleavage showing, maybe. And, straight, loose hair is an added bonus. I love straight hair! (Viv: Noted, Nice breast, straight loose hair)

    If you're insecure about your body, I will tell you that there are men attracted to all body-types. What matters is not your body-type in and of itself, but how confident you are in showing the world the shape of your body. There are really fat women who I find attractive simply because they're willing to own their fat-ness and aren't insecure about it! Now, yes, it's not the body-type I'm into, so I probably won't date her. But, someone will! (Viv: This sounds bit contradicting, because I've seen so many people here mentions only specific body type that they are into. However, all body types are beautiful in their own way, I'll just have to honour mine and find things that fits me that will attract the kind of guys that are into me and my body type.)

    In theory, you are correct. All men have masculinity in them. But, in practice, some do a better job of embodying it than others. Some are clearer about what they want than others, some are more decisive than others. Some are more assertive than others, some are willing to be more persistent than others. (Viv: Yes, I have nothing to add here as I completely agree with you.) 

    In the world, there is a very definite hierarchy of men. Whether we like it or not, this is fundamental to how the system works. Now, yes, the system is an illusion and can definitely be questioned. We don't have to live our lives according to it. But, if we follow this system, it is a thing. (Viv: Over a few days of contemplation, i realized that in order to meet the someone, I'll have to embody a blooming flower - you just attract bees to you for no reason. As a woman, you'll want to be admired and appreciated. I'll have to drop my approach to 'chase' men instead, because then for men (correct me if i am wrong) would perceive me as less precious of a potential partner. I think at this point I should drop my attempt to be-friending men especially in the early phases in meeting new people. They wouldn't enjoy hunting without doing the work to think that he earns it if it is served on his table right in front of him. To embody a blooming flower I have to be grounded in both feminine and masculine energy as self.)

     

  13. Posted

    @aurum

    13 hours ago, aurum said:

    Hi ?

    That’s a good list.

    So now that you’ve identified your ideal guy, see if you can do the opposite and make his list.

    What is he looking for? What would he write down if he did that exercise? (Viv: noted, a mirroring exercise :))

    If you don’t know right now, that’s alright. Just be curious about it and hold it in mind. Step into his shoes.

    So first I would notice that thinking about what you really wanted was a bit scary and triggering for you. You’re experiencing both the excitement of what you want and the fear you won’t get it. (Viv: Noted, thanks for interpretation of this form of worry.)

    I’m not suggesting any of us are going to find a perfect partner. Such a person obviously does not exist and would likely be extremely boring if they did. But we can still have a fulfilling relationship by going through the messy process of being together, together. (Viv: Yeah, 100%)

    Part of the reason for doing this exercise is also to identify areas where maybe you’re not currently a match to the relationship you want. This can get ugly and shove some of our shortcoming in our face. (Viv: Okay, it can be tough to admit my shortcomings and decide to embrace it and work from scratch.)

    For instance, if you identify that your ideal guy highly values health, but you yourself do not value health and healthy living, there’s likely to be a mismatch. And so you may have to make some changes. This is personal development. (Viv: Yeah, discipline and consistency to keep going on my lifestyle changes!)

    Are you the person your partner is calling in? We all have to face this question at some point as honestly as we can. (Viv: Thanks @aurum  I think you have answered my question on this thread. I find it interesting how your replies did not mention anything about sexuality specifically other than having a good fashion sense. Does it not matter as much to you?) 

     

  14. Posted · Edited by Vxvxen

    @Razard86

    14 hours ago, Razard86 said:

    This book is not like any other book. It simplifies it. Here is a secret, men are simple. We are VERY simple. We are so simple it HURTS. Women are complicated and the problem with women is you project your complicated nature onto us. I'll help you out but I still suggest the book.

    1. Work out. Men are visual creatures first and foremost. (Viv: Yes, I am hitting the gym.)

    2. If you want to draw attention wear clothes that are form fitting. (Viv: Ok, I'll check my wardrobe.)

    3. Men are drawn to femininity like bees to a flower and flies to garbage. Our sex drive is the main driver that motivates us to pursue a woman. So if you are looking nice, and are feminine you will make the average man melt like puddy. (Viv: I've seen younger men melt in front of me, I feel good but feels odd at the same time.)

    4. If you know how to cook that is a bonus. You don't have too, but it helps. (Viv: This is easy.)

    5. Be a good listener. A woman that can take an interest in a man's perspective has that man. (Viv: I am a good listener, but this doesn't help at all!)

    6. Be that man's emotional cheerleader. A woman who knows how to fire up her man, will get a man who will seek to achieve to give it to her. (Viv: i am emotionally supportive, but this doesn't work!)

    7. Take an interest in sex and doing more than just laying there, participate. A man loves it when his woman takes a vested interest in participating and not just laying there. Be okay making suggestions to your man on what you like. (Viv: Noted.)

    8. When you get frustrated do your best not to unload on your man, just because he can take it doesn't mean he should be your emotional punching bag. Try to find ways to communicate in a calm manner. (Viv: I have mastered my emotions, i don't rage for no reason.)

    9. Overall be a man's peace. A man builds a house, a woman makes it a home. If you can be a man's peace, his oasis in the desert, you will have him for life. (Viv: This is a rather conservative approach in the modern day life, but okay.)

    Like I said we are simple. I still suggest getting that book. Rom Wills has a gift of explaining both sexes in a way I have not seen any other guru do it. Its simple, practical, and it gets results. I know from first hand experience. (Viv: Men can be simple, but I don't want to be a babysitter :D)

     

  15. Posted

    @Vercingetorix

    18 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

    If you aren't focusing on it already (using the 20-80 principle),  Maybe Your best bet is to focus on making yourself the "hottest" you can - reach your ideal weight, buy fitting and sexy clothes, practice Yoga and pilates, do make up if it fits you etc. (Viv: Okay, good strategy! I will be a hot Viv using the 20/80 rule ;) At this point i will just have to be disciplined and be consistent to keep upgrading myself.)

     

  16. Posted

    @BlueOak

    19 hours ago, BlueOak said:

    Yes but the last bit is our job :). Don't put conditions on it, just love yourself. Say you love yourself over and over in your room until you cry. Get comfortable with it, find reasons why you love yourself, dwell on them, feel them. I'll give you one, you were brave enough to come on a forum in front of strangers and bare your soul, and be vulnerable. That's something to love about yourself.

    I've failed many times because I didn't know myself and the patterns I was in. (Viv: This is huge, I've learned this the hard way too!) I am not shy, I am too loud and still failed. Some guys like shy girls. Some girls like loud or forward guys, some don't. I used to go into relationships wanting to be the person who supported the other, that was my pattern I would be there for them, want to help them out, almost act as their therapist and when they were really comfortable, and things were going great I didn't feel needed or useful. I share this because you might have a pattern in you where it ends up putting distance between you and them, if its repeating a lot. (Viv: I can relate to this a lot. I've always wanted to support the other, but maybe from now on, I would not to provide support without receiving the same reciprocity from the other person. Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share your failures, i appreciate you)

    Maybe detail how the break-up happens if you are feeling brave, even just to yourself, try and find common ground between the different breakups rather than just feeling hopeless. (Viv: It would be great to re-frame my failures in dating and relationships so that i can my failures in a different light and positivity. I could do journaling on this.)

    Sorry I was a bit harsh there, even when I read it to myself after I typed it. I understand why you would feel you lost. You did.

    You are irreplaceable to any relationship you are in. It can't work without you. It doesn't exist without you. You can never reach into someone and put yourself there. Its going to be what you are together, and what you build or do together. The relating and connecting the two of you have, that's what people fall in love with, what you share together. (Viv: I guess in order to feel irreplaceable, i need to be authentic as a woman. I do find I sound unsure of myself all the time. If I see myself as valuable, then in general guys either will accept me for who i am or they can walk away, and it is totally fine with me. Thanks for this reminder, would be beautiful to be in such relationship.)

     

  18. Posted

    @Heart of Space hi, i love your username!

    20 hours ago, Heart of Space said:

    @Vxvxen  You are worthy of love. (Viv: Same to you :))  Don't let guys determine your self-worth.  Oof I'm a massive hypocrite because I let my sexual partners determine my self-worth too.  

    Don't chase narcissists or guys who think they're too good for you. (Viv: Thanks for the reminder! I am precious enough to walk away from people who do not value/appreciate my presence 9_9)

     

     

  19. Posted

    @mr_engineer

    21 hours ago, mr_engineer said:

    When I say 'high-quality guy', I mean, guys who have some brain-cells, who are not lazy, who don't screw around and who are willing to put in the work to get what they want. To be high-quality is a choice. 

    Your question was about attracting masculine men/masculine energy. That's what I'm answering! 

    Here's the thing - high-quality guys really value their time. It will be on you to grab their attention by showing them something that they'll be sexually attracted to. That's right, you need to evoke sexual interest from them! (Viv: What would you like to see in a girl? Noted, I value my time too though!)

    I'd suggest you try not to go for the 'cute' look. You won't attract the super-masculine men if you do that. Cuz that'll kinda send a mom-vibe, if you catch my drift. The masculine men will friendzone you if you do that. And go for the hot ones. The guys who will want to be in relationship with you, will be the nice-guys! But, you won't get too much masculine energy from them. Cuz you need time on your hands to beta-orbit a girl who's cute but not sexy. And the masculine men don't have that. (Viv: Correct me if I am wrong, i feel that there is no such thing as a super masculine guy. Masculinity are present in all men - no one is lesser of a man. I would like to attract guys in general - but i realized that i can't expect to be attractive to all kinds of guys. i could do sexy in the not over-revealing way.)

    You don't have to expose a lot of skin. But, anything you can do to exude a 'wild' vibe will be helpful. Loosening your hair, wearing clothes that fit you, wearing colorful dresses, etc. And yes, you will need to be clear on which body-part is your strength and leverage that. Whether you want to expose or not, is your choice. (Viv: Noted, thanks!)

    And, a clue about the compatible LP - figure out what your LP is. If you were a man, what would your LP be? Start to embody that. Then, you'll meet people who will support you along the way. Or, you may find yourself wanting to support someone in their LP! But, be sure to find your own first. This will give you more relationship-security than just being with a rich guy. (Viv: Okay, this made sense and it is a good strategy to find someone compatible.)

    HTH! :) (Viv: I appreciate your time!)

     

  20. Posted

    @Devin hi

    On 7/25/2022 at 7:15 PM, Devin said:

    I think it can be a really nice type of relationship. I don't have a sister and I think it's sort of similar to a brother sister relationship. Being friends with a woman in a non sexual relationship really adds some variety being around someone with mutual interests but you're also so different in some ways, and it definitely helps you get in touch with your feminine side, in a sexual relationship that doesn't really happen and I'm not sure you would want it to. (Viv: I have experienced such a friendship-mentorship situation, it can be rewarding. You can learn to relate with the opposite sex and learn to respect each other.)

     

  21. Posted

    @Razard86 hi

    10 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

    This book will explain men in a nutshell to you if you are interested as a woman. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/31178970-finding-the-right-man (Viv: Thanks for the link. I think that it's better to get feedback from all kinds of men on here! I've watched, studied a lot of relationship and attraction books, but it all make me feel worse about myself - am i good enough if i don't seem to have that specific trait listed in the book? what if i am not a hot girl?)

     

  22. Posted

    @BlueOak hello!

    6 hours ago, BlueOak said:

    Do you love yourself? If people are not loving you, it could be a direct reflection of you not loving yourself. (Viv: I do need to work on loving myself unconditionally and at the same time love myself in the masculine way.)

    Can't you do both? You are thinking of it like one needs to lose for the other to gain, this is limited way of looking at the time you spend together as a couple. Life can be many things at once.

    Even just using the word value, I would not pick that. It sounds like an exchange, rather than the meaningful relationship part of you is seeking, almost like you have two principles in conflict. If you want people to love you, don't put a value on yourself. Don't think in those limiting terms. Really learn to love yourself, who you are with and both you of you together as a couple. Think of the word us, rather than you and him. (Viv: The thing is i am failing in attracting good man, maybe because I'm shy, however if it's relationship wise I have a feeling i would do really well once i get into a relationship.)

    You didn't suffer a loss, your relationship did, both of you together. (Viv: Oh sigh. People have so many choices these days that the loss happens easier and I feel like I seem replaceable. This makes me fear the most)

     

  23. Posted

    @acidgoofy hi mod! :)

    6 hours ago, acidgoofy said:

    Masculine men are looking for feminine women. How much do you embody your femininity? (Viv: hm, is there a checklist to embody more femininity? Wear flowy dress? I think i am girly and shy but maybe i could shed a few pounds to look more feminine? I kept long hair, but i dont really like doing make up though, maybe i can change my wardrobe too.)

     

  24. Posted

    @NoSelfSelf hi mod!

    6 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

    @Vxvxen I mean on the one hand yes but on the other hand red pill ideology says to be careful with women with male friends because shes either too masculine or they need constant male attetion that spiral into drama...and they ate all those red pills up... ? (Viv: Hey, i don't think I am too masculine or attention seeker though :|, but yeah i understand where you're coming from.)

     

  25. Posted

    @aurum hi! I've always seen your replies on here, grateful for your response! :) 

    7 hours ago, aurum said:

    Value is always subjective and relative to what people want.

    So different people are going to value very different things.

    If I’m a guy that values materialism, I am going to value a girl who also likely values materialism and supports my materialist values.

    Likewise, a guy who values intimacy or connection in a relationship will seek out a girl who provides that.

    So the question is NOT “how do I be valuable to all guys?”. The question I would ask is “how do I be valuable to the guys I also value?”.

    Otherwise you will simply to trying to please every guy you meet, including one’s who you don’t even want to attract.

    So maybe make a list. What do the guys I want value?

    You should just be able to look at their behavior and get some clues.

    Personally, here is a short list of some of the things I look for:

    1) A desire for self-actualization and spiritual work

    2) Good communication and relationship skills

    3) Good friends

    4) A job / career they feel good about (unless they feel good about not working)

    5) Playfulness, sense of humor

    6) Authenticity and freedom of expression

    7) Ability to get along with my friends and family

    8) Good fashion sense

    9) Looks

    10) Shared lifestyle goals

    That sounds good.

    You won’t, but that’s okay too.

    (Viv: My list: 1. he walks his talks, he knows what he wants in life. 2. he is lighthearted, easy going and playful. 3. he's attentive and fully aware and present of emotions arising and be able to see through situations, so that he doesn't get into fights. 4. stable job/career/life purpose 5. finances in order (he doesn't have to be super rich but at least to have positive cash flow and some amount of accumulated net worth) 6. able to have open vulnerable, deep conversations and be supportive for each other.....this list is really high standard, what if i don't find anyone like this? I will be so disappointed :()