Paul92

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Posts posted by Paul92

  1. Posted

    Okay, so, I've been trying to take some steps to get back on track. Any advice on the following would be hugely appreciated. 

    I've started meditating as best as I can in a morning and at night. In a morning anything between 30-40 mins and same at night before bed. I've been trying to just follow my breathing, but I'm finding this very difficult. I can do a few inhales/exhales and then I'm thinking about something again. Is watching the breathe really the best method? 

    Also, the whole thing about there being no 'you'. Like, there is no 'Paul' doing what I think I'm doing. I have zero control over anything and the thing to do is just lose attachment to what is happening and just watch it. 

    This is something I find Mooji really tries to drill home. 

    However, Im confused by it. Because he encourages people, in all situations, to remain quiet and observe. Isn't that a choice within itself? 

    If we have zero control over anything, how do we make the choice to come here, offer advise to others, and encourage them to make changes? 

    I appreciate there is no 'Paul' in my head pulling the strings. Whatever I am, doesn't have a name exactly. But do I have any say over anything? 

    I was feeling better yesterday. I went into work, had a laugh with colleagues. I tried to stay present (is this a choice?) and felt slightly better about everything. I thought I'll just go with the flow and not get annoyed about anything. I'll accept whatever comes. 

    So yeh, who is doing the accepting? To accept what is, is that a choice I can make? Or is it something else doing it? 

    Thank you. 

     

  4. Posted

    I need to make huge changes but I hope, after everything, some of you guys here can help me. 

    I've deleted all my social media and actually changed my phone number. I feel a huge sense of relief. It's weird. Like, I don't want to be Paul anymore. I don't want my friends or anything anymore. Not that I dislike them, I just want to be alone because it feels like a relief..

    I loved my job. But I think it is time for a change. Perhaps I need something where I can just turn up and work on myself then leave. Maybe a call center or something. 

    What would anyone advise? 

    I meditated this morning. Trying to just watch the breathe. It was bloody tough. Constant bombardment of thoughts. I even went into a bit of a dream at times but came back. Before I knew it, I'd done it for 50 minutes. 

    I'm tired of thinking. I'm just not thinking. Ignore all thoughts and just following my nose... Feeling a weird sense of relief. Not sure what it is, but it's there. 

  5. Posted

    @Druid420 Same with my gran, actually. She's 93 and everytime I see her she's looking worse. She has had a tough life. She went through the second world war. She could here Sheffield being bombed in the Blitz and that sent her dad crazy. Her dad who later coughed his guts up in front of her and died on her 21st birthday. Her mother died on her 17th or 18th. She's a tough old cookie. 

    Don't make them like they used to do they? Haha

    Well, I hope you are right and she has a smooth ride she does pass on. I can't say what happens because I simply do not know. 

     

  7. Posted

    @winterknight Why do we have a sense of self if we are not supposed to, and if that is the route of all suffering. Should it be the goal to eliminate the ego? Isn't this a shame based practice... it seems rather unnatural. Does shame cure shame? In killing the ego (a shameful act surely... to kill anything) we are killing something shameful, the ego itself.

    Do we have a soul?

  10. Posted

    @Shaun I don't think it is a turnaround to be honest. I still don't want to be here and I really really don't know if I have it in me to try and get out of this. I don't even know where to start. I still don't know who 'I' am. THAT is the big issue. Who am I? What am I? Who are you?

    Are we a soul in a body? Sadhguru says yes one moment, then no another.

    Who is Paul? Am I real?

    If I meditated now, and something happened, and I left my body and met some random dude in another dimension, but I still had my mind, as Paul, I'd be happy enough with that. Because I am still me. I just can't get my head around what anyone is saying here. You don't exist, but you do. You are an individual, but you are not. etc etc etc

  13. Posted

    @theking00 I am, yes :)

    Rough day guys. Rough day. Thanks for all your help. Whoever/whatever you are. Got a weird sense of peace now I just cut out all my social media and stuff... weird. Basically sent a long text to my boss at work saying don't let anyone contact me... I just want to live a life of solitude... maybe have some online friends... that is pretty much how I feel right now.

    Play my guitar in my spare time. Literally the only thing I could sit doing all day.

  14. Posted

    @Shaun  Could I PM you?

    I guess the people on here, at the very moment, are all I have.

    I wish I could push a button and not exist. But that isn't an option.

    My friend, maybe it isn't everything you might think it is. I've slept with 7 woman. i'm 26. I have a friend, the same age, who has slept with over 100. To what end? Making love to a bag of particles. What difference does it make?

    The thing with that girl is, I thought she was different... I thought the experience was different, because I just felt 'something'... it was something I cant put my finger on. But maybe it was nothing and I imagined it. Anyway, it is done. I wish her no ill will.

    I think I had a revelation. People will never live up to your expectations. So maybe we are better off without them.

    Why do you only drive electric vehicles?

    I love driving... I love a big diesel engine... I'd be happy in a truck, listening to my music. Only issue is, I can't even get out of bed at the moment... how am I going to get a job like that?

    What on earth am I doing? The other half of me just think why struggle? Just end it! It's a simple enough solution. Why put up with this? Fuck everything. Who cares anyway.

  15. Posted

    I don't have the words.

    Like, I can't even be bothered killing myself. My head is just a void.

    I don't wish her any harm. I never wish anyone any harm. I'm just hurt. Well, my ego is, I suppose. Still, it don't feel nice.

    I've just deleted all my social media and text my boss at work that I think I'm going to use the time off to find another job. Just to get them off my back at least.

    What do I do?

    Do I end it?

    Or do I get a job alone. Driving maybe. I like driving. Driving trucks. That'd be nice. Live a simple life, alone. I don't want friends anymore. I don't want girls.

    My head is completely mashed. @Nahm I have never thought I need someone to be happy. People don't. I was single for years and never been happier. But when I was with her, I grew to love her. And she tells me she needs time alone... to figure out what she wants. 3 weeks later... boom. People commenting "Oh finally its out in the open".

    Im such an idiot haha. Maybe I had to learn the hard way. Dont love anything, cos it'll bite you in the arse. It's my issue, I get that. I don't wish her any ill will, whatsoever. Good luck to her. I guess I am disappointed in myself now.

     

  16. Posted

    Completely and utterly broken.

    No words.

    Nothing.

    Just kill me. Please someone kill me. I fuckin beg. Give me strength to kill myself. I am utterly utterly broken.

    Literally can't even move.

    Just cant even do anything.

    I want to die right now but I cant even bring myself to move.

    Broken.

    Fuck this.

  18. Posted

    @Mikael89  I'm sure you said you go to church. Why is that?

    Clearly, you don't believe in souls. Neither do I, actually. I was just saying I'd love it to be true. That if our thoughts, our mind, was our soul, just inhabiting a body for a while. I'd love that. To be honest, I'm not exactly the most handsome guy in the world, but I don't even care what my body is like. It is what it is. I don't have a problem with that. I'd take this form in another 'life', why not.

    I wouldn't say I hate myself. No I don't. I don't hate 'Paul', whoever the F that is. He tries to be a good guy and do the right thing. But hey, if he doesn't exist, and I have no control over whatever this experience is, then isn't that just wonderful... or not.

    How do you cope knowing your family, or who you think they, are not real?

    @Jkris Oh so we do exist now, do we?

    Separate manifestations of the one? Hmmm. Separate implies a duality? Have you seen the Truth?

    Look, I just always always had a romantic vision of life. We were individuals. We don't know why we are here. But we were individuals. 100% independent entities. Souls MAYBE. We all had free will and we was just doing our best to live and survive and spread what is good.

    Now, i don't exist as an entity, only as a mental fabrication of who I think Paul is. Paul is not typing this here, something else is, awareness or conscousness or God or whatever, I don't know. This body is possessed, but not by Paull. My family, my loved ones are not what I thought they were.

    I bloody hope when I hang myself there is no more of this shit. Just black, nothing. Eternally nothing. It's a sick joke.

    Actually, yeh I do worry about people dying. Well, I did. Now I guess I just have to accept it. A small child gets cancer. Oh it's all love, accept it. The child has done nothing wrong. Doesn't know what an ego is. Doesn't know about reality. Just has a sense of self he or she didn't ask for. Get a cruel cruel disease, that is painful. The child wants to go outside and play, but they can't because they have this disease. Oh just accept it, it's fine. Infinite intelligence is a joke. Fuck you universe.

  19. Posted

    @Mikael89 Why would they?

    And, well, you could change those things, if they are indeed how it is for you. No reason why nobody can't have a partner. No reason why nobody can't have friends.

    I like being Paul. Whoever or whatever it is. It's when it comes to be that Paul doesn't exist. That is what sucks to me.

    If I can't be Paul, I've no real interest in being anything else or whatever. If my friends are not my friends, they're just illusions, as in egos, then fuck this. I'd rather be dead. Might as well reincarnate as a fence post or something.

  20. Posted

    @Mikael89  I've been to my doctor already. I have an appointment on the 29th to be assessed by a mental health team. I've been before. I've tried 2 medications. They were both horrendous, in terms of side effects and also messed with my mind. I'm not wasting my time with that any more. I'm not going into a hospital. I swear if they try and take me into somewhere like that then I'll be gone before you know it.

    I REALLY don't understand how you can't find non-existence depressing. It's truly absurd.

    I was baptised a Christian just after I was born. But I've never really believed. But how much more wonderful would Christianity be if were true? That we are all INDIVIDUAL souls. All INDIVIDUAL beings. Here together. Individual souls. You interact with different souls. All of creating ourselves, who we want to be. With free will. Then we live on, for eternity with one another, maybe just in different surroundings. PEOPLE, as INDIVIDUALS, not nothing as nothing playing with itself. Not just ONE thing fucking with itself. And well, if I am that thing, then my thoughts and everything must be ME. Thus, I don't like 'ME', and I'm ashamed that I invented a thing called an ego. It's sick. I'm selfish, clearly. It's all about me me me. One thing. Why can't I manifest something less complicated? It's absurd. Absolutely absurd.

    @Jkris There you go again. I mean, don't get me wrong, I bloody appreciate you taking the time to write on here to me. But you've jsut said it yourself. I don't exist. Neither do you. So why are you addressing me on here? Why does anyone care if someone commits suicide? When ultimately, it makes ZERO difference to anything as I don't exist.

    Whatever I am, or whatever this is, I have this weird urge, coming from somewhere to just end this. See what happens afterwards. I don't think anyone really knows.

    What I don't understand is, pretty much every single NDE, people have talked about meeting other entities, even God or Jesus etc. Who knows.

    Fed up. Tired. Head is a shed. Don't fear death anymore. I want out. Whatever I am, I can't be bothered anymore. Nothing matters.

  21. Posted

    @Nahm  Not convinced it is made of love. What I'm experiencing now is not love.

    @Mikael89 And what can they even do? I've seriously lost all hope. I know I'm repeating myself, but I don't want this anymore. Look at it this way, we all die eventually. No avoiding that. So really it makes no difference, does it?

    @Jkris Can't you see how depressing what you are saying is? We don't exist. That is supposed to make existence meaningful, is it? This is not MY life is it? 

    No enlightened master may not be suicidal. That is up to them. If they think that nothingness and not existing is liberating, then fine.

  22. Posted

    @Nahm  No, I wouldn't say that I did. I was happy before I met her. I met her and I have never felt more alive. I adore her. I COULD text her any minute, telling her how much I miss her etc. But I don't. I love her enough to to realise she is probably better off without me and to just leave her alone and let her go her own way. But it doesn't make it any easier, it still hurts and I miss her. But that is NOT the route of all this, it just doesn't help.

    @Shaun Haha you really think a mental health 'professional' here in the UK will understand any of what I am saying? One way ticket to the nuthouse my friend. It's all too confusing. I promise you, hand on heart, I have made my decision. I do not want to be here. It is just doing it. I swear to you. I pray that something out there will give 'me' strength to do it somehow.

    I spent all the other night just say in the dark praying to all sorts of different things. God. The Universe. Machine Elves if they exist. Guardian Angels. Anything. I cried out, anything, please help me. Give me a sign, anything. Nothing comes. And I swear, there can't be that many alive right now that feel this bad. I prayed and begged for hours. I begged for them to look after that girl, too. Or at least just let it be that I can see her one last time before I go. I don't know how I am still here. I was in my loft tying rope to the beams, as it is the only place in my house that I can hang from. But hanging sucks. If there was a button I could press where Id get really sleepy and just go to sleep and not wake up, Id press it this instant.

  23. Posted

    @Nahm  I see what you're saying but I don't think the analogy you used is in anyway comparable to what is going off here. Sure, i've played in bands since I was 14. I could explain what it is like to play live to someone who never has. And it wouldn't be the same as them experiencing it. But the fundamentals are still there. You stand on a stage and you play in front of people. And nonduality, existence and everything, is on a different scale, surely? Oh by the way, you don't exist! There is no Paul! Nor do your friends or family! We are all the same thing just playing itself out. But until you've experienced it, you wont understand that we are all the same thing and you don't exist! Everyone here, and others who have had experiences, all say that we don't exist and reality is an illusion. But you don't need to go with that evidence... even though logically, you can see how it might be true. But hey, you are still you! But you aren't! Wtf... Come on man, you must appreciate how bonkers this sounds.

    @Jkris Yeh, I guess I am taking him at his word. Because many other experiences seem to correlate with what he is saying. And you can't escape that life might not be all it seems. And well, frankly, if it isn't, then I have no desire to be here, whatever I am. I don't know what comes next, but I suspect not a lot, weirdly.

    Anyone can have my money, all tht I have. I don't care about material possessions. I care about being Paul, and others being them. But who are they?!? Who are my loved ones? They don't exist! I don't want to play this game anymore I really don't. I'll die before I ever get put in a crazy house. I'm not sharing their number with anyone. I spoke to my dad and told him him where I was at. He told me basically what some people say here. He told me to read Tolle. Which put me in the position I am in now. This whole thing is nihilism. It really is. It makes everything utterly pointless.

    @Mikael89 My friend, appreciate the input, but I'd rather be dead than be put in one of those places. Sorry, just how it is. My life is never going to be how it was before, and I can't stand that. I'm just surviving at the moment, and I don't know how. I was cutting myself again last night, just hoping that I'll get it right and there's no turning back. I'm so sick of this joke of an existence.

    I still don't understand how those of you who say you have had experiences of nonduality can all just carry on referring to others as others. Why pursue a girl? If she is you? Why pursue sex? If you are making love to yourself... or a bunch of random particles. Makes zero sesne. Life, in this form, is a joke.

    I don't know what comes next, which makes killing yourself harder. Maybe it is worse than here. I don't know. Maybe there is nothing. Just black.

    @Shaun Shaun, I can't be bothered with it. You shouldn't have to battle to exist. It's a nonsense. The whole infinite intelligence thing stinks. Which might be as to say that I stink. I don't know. But why would infinite intelligence need the ego. Or give each thing a sense of self. It's a joke. Why give a thinking mind if we aren't supposed to have one. Ohhh it's to survive. Why does the whole, one, infinite intelligence have to work to survive. It's bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. But I'll enver get it out of my head now, ever. Life can't return to how it was, I've come too far. And I can't sit around meditating. It freaks me out, I hate it. I fall asleep and have nightmares. Like the messed up dreams I have every single night. I'm so tired, just completely and utterly fed up. I wish you all the best, whatever you are man, I just can't do this much longer. It's just finding the right way out at the right moment, which will present itself I am sure.

    @Rilles As 'Paul', whoever or whatever that is, I have so much gratitude for many things. For merely existing. I always thought that way. I have gratitude for my health. For my family, for my friends, for being reasonably intelligent, for my job, for my house... for many many things. But who the F is Paul?! He doesn't exist. So, thus, life has no meaning. If we don't exist and everything is fine how it is, then what is the point. People can't really argue with that. I hate meditating, I'll be honest. It freaks me out.

  24. Posted

    @ajasatya  Hmm. I did enjoy my life. But when you take a step back and realise it's probably not all what it seems, I find it difficult to go back there and enjoy it again. I've said many, many times that the thing that kept me going in life was other people. People as individual entities, real humans, maybe even with a soul. Without being able to enjoy real people, then I've got nothing to live for. 

    @Nahm Appreciate that. But you still can't explain to me how my interpretation of nonduality is wrong. Trust me when I tell you, if I show up at a mental health practitioner's here in the UK and start telling them about my fears, like whether I am real etc, I will be locked up. Seriously. The Mental Health Act. I'll be sectioned, end of. I'd rather be dead. I want to be dead, I do, I swear on my eyes, I want to be dead. It's just doing it!!!