I'm suicidal due to academic competition.

[Husseinisdoingfine]

Ever since I was very young, I wanted to be a top student. I wanted to get the best grades, and be at the top of my class. Later this morphed into me wanting to get into a decently ranked University. I wanted to compete with my friends, who attend good Universities and get to enjoy all the pleasures of the “college experience”. I wanted to go to parties, drink, and dance around, young and free. I wanted the prestige of attending a highly ranked University, which in itself would confirm me to be more intelligent than the people who attended Universities ranked below me, as well as secure my position in the upper classes of our hierarchical society.

But I struggled immensely academically. I struggled a bit in the beginning of High School, but my grades significantly improved so well that my third year of High School was the first year nothing below a ‘B’ grade appeared in my report card. Despite doing a bit better academically in High School, I could never pass tests. Somehow, I scored less than a thousand the first time I took the SAT, 940 to be exact. I did not sleep the night before, and was very hungry when I took the test due to skipping breakfast, and I didn’t study. I couldn’t focus during the exam due to a maladaptive daydream disorder for which I suffered from, forcing me to leave half of the answers blank. I took the SAT a second time, and scored a 960. This was the first indication that something was wrong with me, that I must have a low IQ. My grades and academic performance came crashing down during the COVID-19 pandemic, for which I would never recover from. It was then I witnessed the first ever D’s and F’s on my report card. I finished High School with a weighted GPA of 3.2, and an unweighted GPA of 2.9. I tried to recover any shot I could at attending a decent University by attending Community College. But I was thoroughly unprepared for the shift from in person schooling to online school, had to drop courses, take another year (three years of an associates degree which was supposed to take only two), and finished the Community College with a 2.65 GPA. The Universities in which I had set out as my “dream schools” had all rejected me. The only University which would take me was the one I had dreaded going to because of its low ranking, UMBC (University of Maryland, Baltimore County). The reason for my low GPA in the Community College was largely due to me working while going to school, and studying for the SAT again. I was ignorant of the fact that if you're in Community College, colleges don't look at your SAT score, as the SAT was solely for High School students. I as well had online assignments that I didn't know even existed or were due, because I was not used to the transition to online school and didn't read the syllabus properly.

It was at around this time I had decided to download Instagram, the worst mistake I could have ever made for my mental health. I had decided to follow one of my old childhood friends on this app, [named censored for privacy concerns]. It was then, my raise in envy, jealousy, and descent into madness ensued. I could see what she, and all of her University of Michigan friends were up to; partying, drinking, studying abroad, and dating, all in a school that was far more prestigious than I will attend. I could also see what all of my High School friends were up to, even the ones in the same graduating class as me. The rage was unbearable, I felt an immense sinking feeling in my chest, knowing that people in the same High School graduating class as me were attending very nice schools, such as the University of Maryland, College Park, and here I am on my third year of a Community College Associates Degree, which was supposed to take two years. This was when it finally dawned on me that I was missing out. According to every academic survey, late teens and early twenties were the time that people experienced peak life satisfaction. I had realized that I was 20 years old, and had never done the following; had sexual intercourse (Something I wouldn’t do until age 21), gone to a college party, went on a romantic date, or had a serious girlfriend.

This mauling over what I didn’t have turned into an obsession. I had begun a stalking spree, stalking my friends' Instagram profiles on a daily basis. It became my obsession to see what I was missing out on. I didn’t feel normal, and this is what irritated me. The normal people score at least a 1,200 the first time they take the SAT, I scored less than a thousand. The normal people begin dating in their teens, I haven’t despite being 21 as of writing this. Normal people take only two years to complete Community College and finish with a decent GPA, I take three and finish with a poor GPA. Normal people have large social circles to party with in their University years, I have only a few friends, and go to a University which is infamous for its’ lack of social scene and partying. The social scene and partying represents something much more than momentary pleasure, it’s being normal and fitting in. I don’t even like parties, I don’t want to have to go out and make friends. But it’s the mere fact that this is what’s normal and expected of people my age to do, which is what’s fueling my drive to do these things.

 

[Miguel1]

Seems like the root issue is that you are basing your self-worth completely on how well you do compared to others.

This is the path to the deepest hell, when it comes to a good quality, happy life.

I don't want to give further advice - other than get in touch with a professional - because being suicidal is a serious matter.

Edited February 11 by Miguel1

[UnbornTao]

Do it for its own sake. Reframe your motivation. Simply want to master and understand whatever you're studying for yourself.

Why pay attention to anyone else's life?

Worth as a social game is about value/what you do. But no one can't be worthy nor worthless.

[Princess Arabia]

Quickest way to become suicidal is to compare yourself to other people. Especially with materialistic things and achievements. How come people don't compare themselves with the respectable, kind-hearted, compassionate, loving, thoughtful qualities that people have, it's always how people look and what they have achieved in life materially. 

Nobody isn't saying I wish I could be as loving and thoughtful like that man up the street only I wish I had the money so and so has or make the grades so and so makes etc . You feel suicidal because those things you're comparing yourself to are not the true essence of who you are and is not in alignment with the qualities of your true nature. If they were, you wouldn't feel suicidal if you weren't exuding those qualities but would be working on ways you could. In doing that, you'd be more aligned and those suicidal thoughts wouldn't have a place to breathe because they can't live and survive under the same energy as Truth. It's either love or fear, which do you choose. Forget about society and concentrate on your self and try to be the best version of yourself the best you know how and the Universe will reward you for that.

[Leo Gura]

I think this is a good opportunity for you to take a step back and re-think your whole approach to life and change up your strategy. Clearly this academic stuff is not aligned with your top strengths and talents.

What is it you really want out of life?

What things make you genuinely excited?

What are your top strengths and talents?

What comes easily and naturally to you?

You need to start building a life around that. Then you will feel like things are flowing.

Do not obsess about grades or college. It's really not important to building a great life.

Edited February 12 by Leo Gura

[Yali]

Just know that it could always be worse.

[Princess Arabia]

Just now, Yali said:

Just know that it could always be worse.

Great advice, poor people could use it to feel better about poverty. Umph. 

[Yali]

@Princess Arabia I'm not giving advice to a poor person?

 

[Princess Arabia]

1 minute ago, Yali said:

@Princess Arabia I'm not giving advice to a poor person?

 

No, it's good advice, just doesn't work for someone that's suicidal.

[Carl-Richard]

You have two main options: either find something you enjoy, something you believe you're good at and somewhere where you belong, or work on your mind.

 

Quote

Cognitive distortions, such as all-or-nothing thinking (splitting), magical thinking, overgeneralization, magnification, and emotional reasoning, is an exaggerated or irrational thought pattern involved in the onset or perpetuation of psychopathological states, such as depression and anxiety.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_restructuring

 

There are several ways to work on your mind:

Quote

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a psycho-social intervention that aims to reduce symptoms of various mental health conditions, primarily depression and anxiety disorders.
• Meditation may significantly reduce stress, anxiety, depression, and pain, and enhance peace, perception, self-concept, and well-being.
• Along with the physical health benefits of fitness, it has also been shown to have a positive impact on mental health as well by assisting in treating anxiety and depression.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meditation; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_fitness

Edited February 12 by Carl-Richard

[Bazooka Jesus]

School grades are among the least important things in life, and yet among the things that create the most stress for neurotic & insecure youngsters such as yourself. It would be funny if it weren't so ridiculously sad.

If you change your mindset and start focussing on the things that actually matter, I promise you that you will look back in a few years and wonder what the hell you were thinking when you drove yourself crazy over a bunch of f@$!ing grades. But in order to get there, you might require the help of a professional therapist. @Miguel1 is right when he says that suicidality is no joke... and your obsessing over stupid shit like school grades is just a symptom of a deeper issue that needs to be addressed if you want to live a life free of neurosis and self-hate.

Good luck, my man. 🙏

[Yimpa]

Being “normal” is completely overrated. Be unique! 

[OBEler]

Obsession with college and grades was my biggest waste of life.

Dont go this route. Its ego game and leads to nothing 

[Husseinisdoingfine]

11 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

What is it you really want out of life?

What things make you genuinely excited?

What are your top strengths and talents?

What comes easily and naturally to you?

The problem is that no-one has every taught me how to find out what I really want out of life, the authority figures around me were more interested in making me cram for examinations. 

These four questions quoted above, how do I find the answers to these? Do you have a video?

[Leo Gura]

@Husseinisdoingfine Just sit down and contemplate. There is no magic way.

Nobody is gonna do this for you.

Edited February 12 by Leo Gura

[Razard86]

33 minutes ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

The problem is that no-one has every taught me how to find out what I really want out of life, the authority figures around me were more interested in making me cram for examinations. 

These four questions quoted above, how do I find the answers to these? Do you have a video?

What is it you want out of life? = What do you think would be the most valuable life you could live.

What makes you genuinely excited? = What brings you joy and puts a smile on your face.

What are your top strengths and talents= What are you a natural at. Something that just comes easy to you.

I'll give you a secret....a life in service to others is the most valuable life. When you can make a positive impact in the lives of others your opinion of yourself will change drastically. Can't be suicidal when you see how valuable your life is.

[Applegarden8]

Education is a tool not a status. Relax. Education is not a sprint, it's a marathon. Relax.

Education is the most potent at the second part of your life acctually.

Learn for your own sake the things that you are interested every day or regularly. This will serve you. You haven't really lost anything. Just complete the standard, work to develop good work ethic and communication skills, at work this will matter the most.

You scoring high is not freedom. You finding out how to do something is that freedom and excitement you are looking for.

Edited February 12 by Applegarden8

[Rigel]

Your english is pretty good do you enjoy writing? Intelligence manifests itself in different ways for different people. Schools are notoriously terrible at adapting to different types of intelligence. A bunch of very successful people that had huge impact on culture & society were drop outs.

[Yali]

On 2/12/2024 at 4:45 PM, Rigel said:

Your english is pretty good do you enjoy writing?

I was going to say the same thing. He can't be stupid with that level of writing ability. 

[Ramanujan]

look into getting things done by david allen and make it stick and anki