My First Experience of DMT. January 12th 2021.

[nexusoflife]

In order for me to recount this experience accurately I must first give some necessary context. Roughly three weeks prior to this trip I began to notice a subtle yet extremely profound shift in my perception of life and reality. I cannot exactly pinpoint when or how this shift occurred but all I can say is that since about mid to late December I have not perceived life through the bounds of an ego structure. Instead I have been perceiving and operating from a place of fundamental permanent unmoving beingness.  Every aspect and event that this body mind experiences I have perceived as a reflection of who and what I am fundamentally and existentially. For the past few weeks literally everything I do, including just existing feels simultaneously like the most profound thing in all of existence as well as simply a normal mundane happening. The person known as T.R. just feels like a character that I am contently playing as in this experience of life. Occasionally at times when I have deeply felt into this permanent fundamental beingness it has resulted in tears and I have found myself spontaneously saying, “It was in my face the whole time”. “The most obvious thing (non-thing) in all of existence and the most profound thing (non- thing) in all of existence is right here and has always been right here”. This fundamental unmoving beingness feels like the “basal substance” (again it’s not a thing) from which all forms of existence arise and form from and fall and dissolve back into. My favorite philosopher and spiritual teacher Ken Wilber has referred to this as the “Ground of all Being” or the “Simple Feeling of Being”. It feels surreal and almost dreamlike but very grounded and mundane. I feel much lighter and more free, nothing matters but everything is sacred. I am almost reluctant to share, as I do not want to fool and or delude myself in thinking that full liberation is now my perception in life but I feel that my experience may benefit other people in their journeys and thus I am sharing this. Now with that context being provided I will get to describing the events of my DMT trip experience.

During the week leading up to this experience I prepared for it in the following ways. I took my existing meditation, mindfulness and shadow work practices and ramped them up three fold. I did my best to stay in mindfulness for as many hours as I possibly could each day, as well as meditating about two hours each day. Additionally I kept a vigilant watch of my internal landscape and every day I wrote at length on any and all aspects of myself that were out of alignment with my True Natural Self and the ebb and flow of the Totality of Existence. Additionally I observed the excitement within the ego structure in the days leading up to this experience.

 On the day of the trip I began final preparations about an hour before. I meditated and listened to Gregorian chants as I normally do before entheogenic experiences. At around 2 in the afternoon I weighed out approximately 50mg of N,N-Dimethyltryptamine and placed it into the vaping bottle which I would use to inhale the substance from. As I placed the DMT into the vaping bottle it was as if my whole body was aware of the profundity that was about to occur. I sat down at the edge of my bed, sparked my lighter and began to vaporize the DMT. A thick white vapor filled the container and my body and mind were simultaneously filled with reverence, anxiety and awe. I thanked every being both physical and non-physical who has helped me in this life in allowing me to cultivate this experience. I then exhaled my lungs as completely as I could, unfastened the bottle cap and took in the largest inhale of my life. In a matter of 3 seconds or so I inhaled all 50 milligrams of the DMT vapor in a single hit. I held it in my lungs for around 5 seconds or so before slowly exhaling it.                                                        

The first thought I had was, “I wonder how long it will take for this to come on.”  Before the thought could even finish within 3 or 4 seconds my vision extremely quickly exploded into a mandala of infinitely beautiful fractals of first hundreds and then thousands of colors. Simultaneously I heard the iconic intensely loud humming ringing in my ears. Additionally I began to feel what I can only describe as the feeling of my whole body dissolving, becoming less and less and less relevant to my experience of existing. In the few seconds left that I had any awareness of a physical world I quickly put down the bottle and laid down in my bed. By now, perhaps 10 or 15 seconds into the trip I was essentially blinded by billions of infinitely beautiful mandala fractals and deafened by the intense humming that had now taken on a very technological almost synthesized sound as well. As any and all awareness of having a physical body or being in a physical world continued to dissolve I felt the most nauseous I have ever felt in my entire life and felt a tremendous urge to vomit even though I had not eaten in almost 24 hours. At the same time the concept of having a life and of ever being born was quickly fading away into the sea of infinity. The body high became so intense that it felt like I was quickly melting, as if my body was being deconstructed and broken down at a cellular level. With what little bodily awareness I had left I reached for my vomit bucket and pulled it closer. However by the time my arm pulled the bucket closer to me all notion of existing in a physical world was gone. The now infinite sea of mandala fractals as well as the intense synth like humming ringing had entirely engulfed my entire sensory perception of reality. All memory of my personal life, who I was, Earth and the experience of life was now gone and the only existence I knew was the infinite realm of the infinite menagerie of forms that comprise the totality of phenomenological existence. The last thing I felt as my familiar individuated consciousness before blasting off was complete relaxation, warmth and Love completely wash over my entire being on a sub atomic level.

In the few seconds that it took for all of this to happen my consciousness was blasted out of the body mind structure at a speed and intensity several orders of magnitude beyond the speed of light to a place beyond the totality of physical existence, beyond all universes, multiverses and all realms of existence. As my consciousness was being transported at this unimaginable speed I perceived all of the realms of existence that I encountered. I saw every alien species in all of existence, every form of technology, the history of every civilization in all of existence, every form of information relay, all of the deepest darkest most horrible and hellish realms of existence and the horrid entities that resided there and all of the highest most beautiful and heavenly realms of existence and all of the wonderful entities that resided there. As this profoundly powerful travel of my consciousness continued I perceived what appeared to be this small mischievous extraordinarily loving very playful entity. I knew this was a Tryptamine Jester. The projection I saw was short, thin and somewhat humanoid.  Its body was comprised of technological light energy and was a mosaic of thousands of colors all tessellated, interwoven and oscillating with each other. The energy I got from this being that was traveling with me was almost childlike but I knew this being was also extremely wise. Our energies interacted and it showed me how the basics of the physical spatiotemporal realm of existence works. I saw the same torus energy fields in all lifeforms in physical existence similar to what I saw on a profound LSD trip 3 years ago. I was also shown how critically important the law of conservation of energy is; specifically in keeping the totality of all of the multiverses in the relative realm of physicality in balance. Additionally while I was traveling with this Tryptamine Jester I was showered in this infinite Universal Love that completely pervaded my being. The same Infinite Universal Love that I had experienced in April of last year. All of this profundity occurred in what felt like seconds or it could have been trillions of years. From my perspective it did not seem to matter as time was no longer relevant.

Eventually me and this friendly Jester parted ways. My individuated consciousness eventually traveled beyond all of the realms of existence that could possibly manifest; beyond all realms of form. I went beyond the pretty light show of the phenomena existence and thus I was no longer enamored by the infinite light show of phenomenal existence. And now there was only the Void; the infinite unmanifest Void. It was in this non-place of absolute transcendent and immutable nothingness that my point of individuated consciousness was completely obliterated shockingly quickly. There was absolutely nothing left. Any semblance of an individuated me or any personal life was entirely gone. There was never a T.R., there was never a human organism who experienced a multi-year long spiritual journey of awakening. There was only the awareness of The Totality of All of Existence. And that totality consciousness is the absolute purest form of what all of existence is, what I am and what we all are. With that obliteration of illusory demarcated consciousness there was a Grand all-encompassing merging with everything in all of existence. In a single femtosecond my individuated consciousness was entirely obliterated and assimilated into the totality of all of Existence. I was Home. This was the Godhead. This was The Ground of All being. This absolute Unmanifest eternal nothingness was the Ultimate, the Truth; God. However, this was simultaneously and paradoxically nothing special and absolutely the most holy thing. It all felt very familiar and it was literally the most obvious thing in existence. I was everything and I knew everything. I was the infinite mind of God. I (pure unmanifest totality consciousness) was the ground of all creation in existence I was the foundation for all forms that arise and fall eternally, and infinitely. And simultaneously I the ground and foundation for all forms in infinity was also imbued within and manifested as all forms in the totality of myself. I resided as this infinite unmanifest absolute nothingness for a googolplex number of years eventually until I wanted to do something else. So I decided to create a part of myself as a few billion realms of existence and imbue those realms with forms of life all the way down to oversouls, souls, spirits and all manner of individuated consciousnesses. And eventually I found my small particular individuated consciousness and I decided to play as it, and to experience through it. And so I thus began the process of pretending to forget that I am the unmanifest ground of all being and the totality of all of existence. I continued to pretend forget things until I was only experiencing an individuated consciousness on a journey through a strange realm of existence.

Now that I was again perceiving as an individuated consciousness I also began to return to the realm of form. But something was different. My existence was potentiated and I still remembered some of my creative power. So I decided I would like to talk to someone. So I created a realm of existence. Even though I was now only an individuated consciousness I still had an incredible amount of creative power, enough to create a sea of multiverses. Extremely tiny and minute compared to what I was capable of as the totality but it was still more than sufficient for what I intended to do. And so I continued to create this strange tryptamine realm until I deemed it to be sufficient and then I went about a second recursive process of pretending to forget enough so that I could dive into this realm as an even smaller individuated consciousness. Once I did this I felt more familiar more like how I was a googolplex number of years ago.

I navigated through this tryptamine realm I had created until I came to an infinitely complex geometric fractal room. I phased through the outer structure of this room and inside I encountered two of the Tryptamine Jesters. This time however I primarily perceived only their energies.  One of the Jesters was the same one that I had met from before. They were extremely happy to see me and invited me in. So I came in with them and even though I was a disembodied consciousness I sat down with the two Jesters at the table like structure they were at. From there we had a very long talk about everything. We communicated energetically telepathically about every question I could ask and about every subject that they were interested in. This conversation might have lasted for fifteen minutes or for a few thousand hours again time was irrelevant. Here is some of what we communicated about.

I am God, so are they and so is everything else in all of existence. Before incarnating into the physical realm of existence I chose to do this life thing and come to this planet called Earth as this exact point in the evolutionary history of its biosphere and live a life as a human. They told me that this realm that we were currently in was the realm I was in before I incarnated into physicality, and I did indeed recognize this place, it all felt so familiar. The Tryptamine Jesters told me of the intricate energetic complexities of life. They also explained to me that the experience of being born and living through a life and dying is just one option of experiencing that souls have in order to, learn and grow from. There are literally trillions of other options like Life but different that other souls choose in order to grow and learn it’s just that I chose to do the Life thing because that was one of the more involved, one of the more intricate and most excitingly one of the more challenging options to experience. They told me that I never was born and can never die. That I created the totality of all of existence and that this is just a game that I am playing with myself pretending to be infinite lifeforms as vectors of my own consciousness forever and forever. As we communicated we also talked about how strange we thought it was that lifeforms take life so seriously. It was so ludicrous to us; it’s just a game how can anyone take this seriously?! The three of us had a good laugh at this.

Eventually we got around to talking about my human organism avatar and my experience of living a life back on Earth. Both of the Tryptamine Jesters clearly told me that my individuation is already doing well on the path of Truth and Nondual Realization. They also kindly commented that my individuation has already done thousands of Earth hours of psychospiritual work for the purposes of developing itself and showing up in its earthly life as its most true, natural and authentic version. In fact they were making it so abundantly clear that I had done well in dedicating myself to awakening that they started joking about it and at one point they jokingly asked something along the lines of “Dude why did you even smoke this stuff?” “You’ve already got it, you didn’t really need this to wake up and fully remember who you are, but were glad you’re here anyway.” We continued to speak about the intricacies of existence, how everything is god and how I created all of this game to play with myself forever. And they kept repeating over and over again, almost to the point of annoyance on their part, “Yes you’ve already got it! See you already know this!” At the end of our conversation the Jesters told me that they would allow my individuated consciousness to bring back this experience and information to the memory centers of my physical body’s brain when I returned. I then thanked the two kind playful Jesters.

As soon as our interaction concluded my consciousness was shot back to my body with a speed and intensity several orders of magnitude beyond the speed of light. I saw all of the physical realms of existence again on the way back and I was forgetting so many things the closer I got back to my home universe and the closer I got back to my body on Earth. I remember having to first reconstruct my body from consciousness initially and then from the physical elements (oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, phosphorus, etc.) This felt like a very long and involved process but also very intuitive. When my consciousness did return back to my body it was very fast and intense. My whole body felt like it was vibrating and my ears still somewhat had that humming ringing. Immediately upon being back there was still no familiar personal sense of self, only an undifferentiated mass of experiencing through sensory perception. I knew nothing. I did not know what I was, what this place was or what anything was. At this point I also began to reconstruct my psychology in totality including things like memory and language. In a few seconds I went from an undifferentiated mass of experiencing, to infantile consciousness, to childlike consciousness, to adolescent consciousness back up to my 24 year old conscious awareness. At this point I had reconstructed myself sufficiently enough so that I could properly interface with the world again. Upon opening my eyes my vision was still coming back as if coming out of some sort of extreme tunnel vision.

Upon waking up I noticed that my body had not moved a single centimeter throughout that entire experience. I decided to move. I slowly began to raise my fingers one at a time in order to familiarize myself with my neuromuscular system again. After 10 or 15 seconds of this I began to make bilateral symmetrical yogic positions with my hands, through little volition of my own, feeling as if my body was a conduit for an intense form of energy. (every time I have done a psychedelic this happens) While making these strange yet beautiful and blissfully relaxing movements I uttered these words slowly at first. “Thank you… for… this… experience… that we call… life.” I then repeated this over and over until it became a mantra while I continued to move my arms doing this bilateral symmetrical yoga. After a few minutes of doing this there was then a short intermission. There were no thoughts or actions only simply existing, only being a part of the whole of existence. All I could say repeatedly at this was “wow, wow, wow, oh wow!” Then the flood of insights began to pour in. Here are some of the most significant insights that came in.

1 Accept your godhood show up as much of yourself as you can in this life. God wanted to be this version (this specific individuation) of God. Upon realizing the implications of this I hugged myself and began to cry some. I deeply felt and realized how important to existence I am and we all are. That without me, you and everyone and everything else in existence that infinity can’t be infinite.  This is why it’s of the utmost importance that we show up as our most authentic true natural selves and be our best and highest version of ourselves in life to the best of our ability. I was also washed with love upon this realization.

2 I then remembered back to 4 years ago when I first had the desire to do psychedelics and visit all manner of strange realms of existence and speak with all kinds of aliens. And it became extraordinarily and abundantly clear that there is nothing mundane about any of this experience here on Earth in my everyday life! This place that we all call home that seems so normal and mundane is one of those strange profound weird realms of existence!

3 Existence is absolutely unequivocally perfect. Existence is so perfectly organized that it cannot possibly be anything but infinite perfection forever. Of course this includes all of the heavenly and awe inspiring aspects of existence. And this also includes all of the hellish realms of existence, all of the wars and suffering that the human species has seen and all of the most difficult and painful events that I have personally experienced in my life.

4 We just play a game of pretending to forget who we are. We are God in totality. Every microcosm contains the totality. Every part contains the whole and thus contains the knowledge of the whole. And  in containing all of the knowledge in existence we just play a game of forgetting who we are in order to experience various types of limitation for the purpose of infinite experiences. Being God, we never learn anything in life; instead we just reveal and remember stuff that we were pretending to forget for years, lifetimes and eons. We pretend to be human through a process of self-imposed limitation through forgetting our True nature. There is no absolute reason we can’t do anything. For example  I (and everyone else) can manifest a water bottle next to me right now but I am pretending as God that I don’t know how to and I am pretending to limit myself as a human being, as a body and as a mind. And these limitations serve to contain what is relevant for us in our incarnational experiences.

5 Life is so easy to navigate when we accept our Godhood. When we realize what we truly are as Totality Consciousness and when we then show up in life unequivocally as our True Natural Selves, as the unique individuation of God consciousness that we are in every way, our experience of life becomes a game that we can finally play joyfully. And none of it is taken seriously in an absolute sense anymore. We only think that we can’t do or have things in life due to our own self-imposed limitations. You create your life the way it is every second based upon how you are choosing to show upon in this life and you have the power every second to create your life in the way that is most reflective of who you truly naturally are.

After this I thanked God the Totality for all of its Love and Infinite Perfection. I then got up and continued my day in the afterglow of the experience I just had. In conclusion I will say that this was the most intense experience of my entire life. It was so fast and rapidly paced that it was difficult to derive anything from it and I am thankful for the Tryptamine Jesters that helped me to bring back this experience into my memory. It was so hard for me to believe that I had only been gone for 15 minutes but that only makes the fact that time is an illusion that much more abundantly clear. I felt like I already knew much of what I experienced though through my existing meditative, mindfulness and shadow work practices, while extremely profound this experience was not extremely transformative for where I currently am at in my journey.This is why I think the two Tryptamine Jesters I communicated with kept telling me “you already know all of this.”  

While this was an extremely important experience for me to have and I am forever grateful for it, smoking DMT felt somewhat redundant in a sense because of the shift in my consciousness that I had occurred some three weeks prior. After this experience I thought of the quote by Ramana Maharshi, “That which is not present in deep dreamless sleep is not real.” Being that for the past few weeks my perception has been operating from a place of fundamental permanent unmoving beingness I now know irrefutably at the core of my being that all phenomena in existence no matter how mind-blowing or profound is illusory. Thusly Absolute Truth is not a spatiotemporal experience of any kind. It is not any phenomena. It is simultaneously transcendent and basal to all phenomena. It is the unmanifest Ground of All being that all phenomena in the totality of existence arises from and falls back into. Therefore I know that only part of this profound trip was Absolute incontrovertible Truth; that was when I was obliterated and subsequently became the One, the unmanifest and undifferentiated Godhead was Truth. The rest was illusion, however all valid, extremely profound and very important for me on my journey.

 I loved this experience and I love DMT and I will most likely smoke it again in the future. However right now I feel like it will be a while before I do any more psychedelics. I need to integrate this entire journey and really rest into what I Truly am (and what we all are). I feel like this DMT trip was an extreme confirmation of everything I already know. It felt like the final straw to this 7 year process of awakening that I have gone through and the shift in my perception in the past few weeks from primarily ego identification to simple ever present beingness was massively potentiated by this DMT experience. In a sense this experience of DMT felt like a final indispensable component of acceleration for my awakening process.

[Exystem]

Wow! Beautiful trip report, I like that one

[Leo Gura]

Awesome! You hit the motherlode.

[Moksha]

2 hours ago, nexusoflife said:

Accept your godhood show up as much of yourself as you can in this life. God wanted to be this version (this specific individuation) of God. Upon realizing the implications of this I hugged myself and began to cry some. I deeply felt and realized how important to existence I am and we all are.

Thank you. I have been trying to communicate this, which you did eloquently. ?

[Nahm]

@nexusoflife

Awesome! I knew I knew you from somewhere!  

?

[Frenk]

Amazing man! I still remember your experience of infinite love a year ago

everyone should read this too

[nexusoflife]

@Exystem Thank you for taking the time to read it all! I really appreciate it.

[nexusoflife]

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. I have a question for you regarding the shift in my perception I've had since about mid December. Since then I have no longer felt encapsulated by an ego structure, my perception and operating in life has been in a place of unmoving fundamental beingness. I see everything even just existing is the most profound thing in all of existence and yet it is all very rooted and mundane. Life now feels like a beautiful dream. In your experience of the intricacies and dynamics of awakening what do you have to say regarding this?

[nexusoflife]

@Moksha Thank you, I really appreciate that. I am deeply integrating that. The realization of the implications of fully accepting my godhood really hit me hard. I still am shaken just thinking about it. It means no more excuses for anything ever again for the rest of my life. Not even a single second of being fake and smaller than who I Truly Naturally am. I can no longer be anything less than my True Self as this individuation. The aligning light of Truth would just hurt too much for me to show up in life as anything less.

[nexusoflife]

@modmyth Thank you. Many people have noted my ability to describe profundity and I feel like it is time that I begin to embody that in life and really capitalize on it. So thanks for that reminder. Profound unitive experiences can often leave us so awestruck just because they are beyond words. The Absolute Truth is incommunicable and yet I have put so much effort in my life to perceiving Truth and communicating it when I can. 

Hey there really is absolutely nothing mundane about any part of existence. Fundamentally and from the perspective of the Absolute there is no difference between paying your taxes and communicating with a psychedelic techno-demigod. There is no difference between folding your clothes in the morning and having a nondual unitive experience that changes your perception of everything you thought you knew.

[nexusoflife]

@Nahm Haha! Yep!

[nexusoflife]

@Frenk Thanks. I feel like all of my profound experiences on my journey have all potentiated each other revealing deeper and deeper layers of Truth. Regarding that experience of Infinite Universal Love that I had, there have been several times since that massive heart chakra opening that I have felt a similar way. Many times I will just be sitting in my room and thinking of a hypothetical scenario between me and someone who I don't even know (something simple like helping them to pick up something off of the floor, or telling them that they are important and matter) and I can feel the Love of existence just come rushing in. And sometimes that's when the tears start flowing. At times I have even had to grip the center of my chest so I could ground myself.

[Moksha]

41 minutes ago, nexusoflife said:

@Moksha Thank you, I really appreciate that. I am deeply integrating that. The realization of the implications of fully accepting my godhood really hit me hard. I still am shaken just thinking about it. It means no more excuses for anything ever again for the rest of my life. Not even a single second of being fake and smaller than who I Truly Naturally am. I can no longer be anything less than my True Self as this individuation. The aligning light of Truth would just hurt too much for me to show up in life as anything less.

You have moved beyond solipsism, and realized the divinity in everything. It is humbling, loving, and integrating. Your True Self is the same True Self that all of us is. And yet, mysteriously, we exist as individuals, in this relative world, and the experience is here. We created this for a reason.

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, nexusoflife said:

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. I have a question for you regarding the shift in my perception I've had since about mid December. Since then I have no longer felt encapsulated by an ego structure, my perception and operating in life has been in a place of unmoving fundamental beingness. I see everything even just existing is the most profound thing in all of existence and yet it is all very rooted and mundane. Life now feels like a beautiful dream. In your experience of the intricacies and dynamics of awakening what do you have to say regarding this?

I got nothing to say.

[Kshantivadin]

beautiful report!! thank you so much for writing this.

[Inliytened1]

@nexusoflife what can you can say to this other than welcome home.  That was probably the best trip report hands down ever posted here.  

All i can say is - welcome to Yourself.  Welcome to the unity of all beings - of all Infinity.  Of Truth, Love, Oneness, and Divine Bliss.  Welcome to Godhood.  

[Snader]

"What you jesters laughing at huh?! Come pay my bills then if your so much better!" Tell them these regards from me next time you meet them so they can have even more fun

Thanks for the report! It was a pleasure to read it.

[StarStruck]

Your language skills are extraordinary.ce.

Edited January 16, 2021 by StarStruck

[Adamq8]

Really good trip report my friend,  everything in being is extremely profound! 

[Skin-encapsulatedego]

@nexusoflife without doubt, the most amazing trip report I've ever read.

Would you care to share your shadow work method?  Are you using Wilber's 1-2-3 method?  And what results have you noticed since commencing shadow work?