Preety_India

Why am I attracting narcissists?

75 posts in this topic

Just now, Rilles said:

Or maybe THEY prey on you. 

Yes yes yes. My vulnerability becomes a fodder or prey. 

Like Leo said that I need to become ruthless. But the problem is that becoming ruthless reminds me of my mom who was extremely ruthless and I had promised myself that I'll never be ruthless in my life 

So ruthlessness and selfishness became my shadow aspects because deep down anything that reminded me of selfishness had to be rejected. 

That's why it's so hard for me to become ruthless and find a way to be comfortable being ruthless. 

 


God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Yes yes yes. My vulnerability becomes a fodder or prey. 

Like Leo said that I need to become ruthless. But the problem is that becoming ruthless reminds me of my mom who was extremely ruthless and I had promised myself that I'll never be ruthless in my life 

So ruthlessness and selfishness became my shadow aspects because deep down anything that reminded me of selfishness had to be rejected. 

That's why it's so hard for me to become ruthless and find a way to be comfortable being ruthless. 

 

Realizing that you dont really give a fuck about others when your ego likes to think you do is a good start. ;) Makes it easier to swallow the ruthless pill. I mean, you dont really care about your neighbour a block down the street do you? So what makes you think youre so empathatic and nice? Im not judging, this is just a way to work with the shadow. In essence were just survival machines, no different from the parents we hate. 

Edited by Rilles

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27 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Preety_India Thick Face, Black Heart.

I can vouch for this book, it's pretty good. I only read half of it but it's on my mind to re-read. 
---
I don't think this issue has to only be framed in terms of being nice vs not being nice. It's still about enforcing boundaries. But I think it can also be framed in terms of self-defence and effectiveness. The same way you defend yourself from a physical attack, you do the same to an emotional or psychological attack. 

You can be prepared to deal with the world whilst still being loving/trusting to it. Once you emanate the right energy of not being exploitable, you'll also get into less trouble since predators hunt for certain energy. 

Don't think you have to kill or repress a part of your authentic loving self to deal with psychos and narcs. Instead see it as trying to grow. Easier said than done ofc though. 

 

Edited by lmfao

"Piercing through the whitewash will turn into the truth someday
I want to keep believing in it stubbornly; It’s just my faith. The absolute truth."

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2 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Realizing that you dont really give a fuck about others when your ego likes to think you do is a good start. ;) Makes it easier to swallow the ruthless pill. I mean, you dont really care about your neighbour a block down the street do you? So what makes you think youre so empathatic and nice? Im not judging, this is just a way to work with the shadow. In essence were just survival machines, no different from the parents we hate. 

I don't think like that. I don't have that ruthless bone in me. It's difficult to grow that, not entirely impossible but difficult. 

I've been soft with people all my life. Now I suddenly need to become hard. This won't be easy. It will be quite change of my personality

And changing a personality 180° is no easy job. 

I really lack selfishness. I have basic selfishness when it comes to survival. But around people I'm very fond and loving and throw myself to save them and completely ignore my own needs to the point of sacrifice. This is something I will have to change otherwise I will keep getting taken advantage of. I want this cycle to stop. 

Selflessness is good but only if practiced with caution. Being selfless around a pack of lions means death. 

Just like it's difficult for a narcissist to become an empath, it's equally difficult for an empath to start acting like a narcissist. These are two diametrically opposite personalities and that's why they are so sexually attracted to each other. They start feeding each other's differences to complement their personality defects. 

I lack ruthlessness and selfishness. I have had this problem when one of my friends was going to fall under a bus and I tried to save her putting my own life at risk by coming under the bus. So I'm no stranger to my own nature.. 

The problem is that I have realized after a long time that' its okay to be good and helpful but there should be some limit and I better not take a risk on my life.. 

Some narcissists have actually helped me like one narcissistic girl who was my friend and she was incredibly selfish with people and one day she mocked me for helping people and told me that I'll always end up suffering if I become too selfless. I denied her. She was actually right. 

The problem is that when you are raised in a way where you think that having empathy is a great idea, you become oblivious to its Grey areas. 

Now with time, I have understood that everything needs to be in balance. That's why I created that diagram that shows the center balance region which means anything in extreme is a problem, even kindness in its extreme condition will attract lot of problems. There are less problems if you are well rounded and balanced on all sides in life. 

I think balancing is also an act of shadow removal. The extreme ends shown in the spectrum of the diagram probably represent these shadows of character. 

When you are too selfish you will end up harming others. When you are too selfless you will end up harming yourself. Both are bad. But culture-wise we are taught that only one out of the two is harmful and that is selfishness. But in reality both are harmful equally. Being extremely kind is a bad strategy in real life. 

Practical life does not approve of such bookish values. So it's important to be kind and empathetic and selfless but within a healthy margin and in a reasonable manner. 

That's the conclusion I reached today. 

 


God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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@Preety_India Jordan Peterson has a very good lecture on agreeableness ; ) , a Big Five personality trait you're probably on the extreme end of 
 

I know you hate this guy but trust me some of his lectures are gold  ?

Edited by lmfao

"Piercing through the whitewash will turn into the truth someday
I want to keep believing in it stubbornly; It’s just my faith. The absolute truth."

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@lmfao sorry but I don't like that Jordan guy. 

The only YouTuber I seriously follow is Leo Gura.

 


God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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47 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Well, yes, at least for me. I remember when I was a child, my parents would reward me psychologically in order for me to desire women. They would point to a singer on TV and tell me that I am a good kid and that they will marry me with her. It's Pavlovian conditioning on the level of the psyche/self-esteem. That's when I first started desiring women. After that, and as I was growing up, the only thing that was attractive to me is the thoughts of me hugging girls and kissing them. I didn't know anything about sex at that point. And then slowly with time, since nipples were not supposed to be seen, I started developing a curiosity to see nipples. Then somehow I started developing a desire to see everything that's hidden by default; including breasts, butts and butt holes, and vaginas.

From wiki:

Classical conditioning (also known as Pavlovian or respondent conditioning) refers to a learning procedure in which a biologically potent stimulus (e.g. food) is paired with a previously neutral stimulus (e.g. a bell). 

For my part, I will disagree that my attraction towards men are due to pavlovian reflex. Maybe my refusal to touch a hot stove is pavlovian. I just think it's not the right wording or term to describe attraction.

Some social conditioning surely, but generally speaking we are attracted to features and characteristics that max out our survival.

I think they are instinct. But again, then, what is innate, what is acquired? Isn't the reptilian brain biological as much as the mammal? And isn't these part of ourself what is responsible for our psychology?

50 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

No, nothing really biological about it. It's all psychological. I assume the same thing for women, but in reverse and in different ways. Otherwise, how do you explain homosexuality and bisexuality and all the different orientations, fetishes, and perversity?

It's both.

Biological attraction mostly begets a psychological attraction, which is how its perpetrating the pattern on the individual.

Homosexuality, bisexuality or transexuality are quite a big question to tackle, nobody know exactly if you're born that way or if that's part of your conditioning. But fetishes and perversity are often trauma related.

1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

Lol no. Obesity-phobia debunks this theory entirely. If fertility is truly the attractive thing about women, then fat women should be the hottest, or at least high on the rankings because:

Fat = estrogen | Estrogen = fertility

This theory is basically coming from the evolutionary perspective and it obviously is biased and somehow works like a self-fulfilling prophecy. When science ranks certain people higher, we automatically tend to think that they're more attractive.

Although, technically, at certain levels, high estrogen starts becoming antagonistic to fertility. So not all elevations in estrogen levels are indicators of fertility.

In certain society where food is scarce, fat women are seen as extremely desirable. For instance, in Mali, being obese is a sign of beauty. Cause it means that she's not lacking anything.

In our modern society, fat women are seen as unattractive because we're operating by a totally different paradigm and development level. Big tits and big assess are still seen a desirable signs of fertility, but this time with a slim body.

Because the fittest reproducer to us has what we perceive as a healthy body. But Malian culture perceive a healthy obese as obese.

That said, the hip to waist ratio is a constant throughout time and society as far I've heard.

 


"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength".- Johan Von Goethe

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It all starts with recognition. You must start by recognizing the good feelings you have when you are around narcissists. Once recognized, those feeling now must be ripped of them being good. No they are not good, those feelings are not mature, you say to your self, and then let go of them. They come back and you ignore and let go of them more and more until you are free from the addiction of those feelings.  You must develop the muscle to let go. You will need it a lot in your life. To deal with obsessive thoughts and addictive feelings. A male may get addicted to porn, a female may get addicted to many other emotional things. But in the end they are both addictions and both cause a lot of suffering.


I am the only thing stopping myself from receiving infinite Love form Myself. I am Infinite Love for god sake.

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@Preety_India As soon as those dudes hit you or treat you harm fully in any way you gotta haul ass outta there and break it up with them. That way it will save you from horsecrap and they will learn their lessons. Oh hey maybe the reason she left was because I treated her like crap. Most young guys like teens and 20ers are some ignorant rough people. It's just the nature. 


"True Love is born from Understanding.”-The Buddha

"Passion is coming from you, from the inside to the outside."-Leo Gura

 

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@Eren Eeager  great advice. Thank you 

@diamondpenguin great advice. Thank you. 


God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

You're conflating two different things here. 

Being selfless towards someone is one thing.

Having self love is a totally different thing. 

These are two different parameters. 

This is untrue at the deepest layers.

You cannot be Truly Selfless without Self-Love, and you cannot have True Self-Love without being Selfless. They are identical.

The selflessness you speak of is partial :)

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Some people are not very good at self love because of past trauma or abuse and they can be very selfless people, they can do selfless acts. 

Also complaining about something is venting out. It's not selfish. If someone is hurt, let them complain. Calling them selfish is like telling a domestic violence victim that they should just shut up and not complain. 

Here I'm not bitching or whining. That can be considered selfish, I understand 

But asking for help and looking for perspectives on why certain patterns exist is called self introspection and opening up to people, that's absolutely nothing selfish about it 

I understand. Good luck!

Edited by RendHeaven

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Just now, RendHeaven said:

This is deeply untrue at the deepest layers.

You cannot be Truly Selfless without Self-Love, and you cannot have True Self-Love without being Selfless. They are identical.

The selflessness you speak of is partial :)

I understand. Good luck!

I disagree. I don't see it as identical at all. 

But to each his own! 


God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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Perhaps you have poor self-esteem you haven't identified yet, and gravitate towards narcissists because they have an aura of self-esteem about themselves (even if false). You want what they have so you subconsciously go towards it.


"If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him."

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8 minutes ago, Roy said:

Perhaps you have poor self-esteem you haven't identified yet, and gravitate towards narcissists because they have an aura of self-esteem about themselves (even if false). You want what they have so you subconsciously go towards it.

I never felt this way. In fact I always felt like it's the narcissist who had poor self esteem and they fed on my self esteem to feel better. 

The attraction had nothing to gain something from them, but rather to give something to them. 

I felt like I was a healing balm and helping them. 


God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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Great insight, a huge step in the right direction. But you are not selfless by being emotional/caring towards another.

You want love/appreciation(love bombing), because this feels good for you. You feel that your worth is increasing.

You believe that by loving/helping the narcissist you will receive love back.

It's a selfish transaction, you see?

When you don't get any love back, your emotional/caring part flips to blame/anger/sadness instead. By blaming you are blind to you being part of the problem.

You need to first give the same amount of love you want to give to others to your self. Always. By doing this you are fully nurtured by yourself at all times.

This leads to you finally being in balance and able to give love selflessly. Not wanting any love/appreciation back in return. This is your highest potential. Giving unconditionally.

 

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@Ingenting  when I used to fall for narcissists, I didn't know it was love bombing. I used to take it as love.

Now that I'm aware of what it is, I don't think I'll fall for it anymore. 

By loving a narcissist, I'm not looking for receiving love back, that's an error in judgement, I'm simply loving them. They in turn abuse that love. 

I don't believe that when you love someone there should be any expectations. But any relationship will always have certain rules and I wouldn't call that selfish 

Like if I don't wish to be hurt by anyone, I wouldn't call it selfish, it's a basic human need. 

 

 


God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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Maybe, I know this sounds crazy right, but maybe you might be a narcissist, that’s why you attract narcissists.

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@Akemrelax no I'm not. You have no clue about narcissistic abuse @Axiomatic so please stop with your victim shaming both of you 

I'm opening threads to gain perspectives and not be character judged. If you don't know how narcissists operate in a relationship, simply don't spout bullshit. 

Stay away from the thread if your intention is to make me feel bad. I'm already having a much worse time dealing with narcissistic abuse and Abusers. So stop with your shaming and silly baseless speculations. 

To know the psychology of a person, you need to know that person in reality. 

So stop your silly psychoanalysis of my character. It feels like a personal attack. 

 

Please don't make this personal and keep it civil the thread has nothing to do with you personally with both of you. 

Edited by Preety_India

God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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@AMTO thanks 


God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with a Capricorn male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Yeh dil teri aankhon mein dooba, ban jaa meri tu Mehbooba.. Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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