Preety_India

Why am I attracting narcissists?

75 posts in this topic

@Etherial Cat  they don't even allow any questions to be asked. 

In the initial dating period with my ex Joseph, he would immediately shut down any questions that I would ask about his past, or his past marriage or any thing regarding his credibility. They just hate questions. 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

@Etherial Cat  they don't even allow any questions to be asked. 

In the initial dating period with my ex Joseph, he would immediately shut down any questions that I would ask about his past, or his past marriage or any thing regarding his credibility. They just hate questions. 

 

Vulnerability is a great way to build intimacy. I'd probably find very suspicious by this type of behavior.

Next time, maybe take this as a red flag as well.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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@Preety_India Have you had a trauma bond with a caretaker in your childhood and possibly developed tolerance for mistreatment/abuse as a result of a lack of boundaries? Was one or both of your parents/siblings narcissistic? It all starts in our childhood and carries into our relationships as adults.

I think demonizing narcissists is overrated. These are people who run by unconscious survival patterns and lack emotional intelligence. They are victims of their own selves. They deserve our compassion... from a distance lol The rise of narcissism is evident in today's world along with the rise of social media and technology. And I'm glad to see more and more conscious narcissists coming forward as educators like Sam Vaknin and HG Tudor. Knowledge is power.

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1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

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"Emotional/Caring" people are NOT necessarily "Very selfless"

"Emotional/Caring" people can be just as selfish as narcissists.

You're not doing real inner work if you consider yourself "very selfless" just because you happen to be "emotional/caring."

Why?

"Emotional/Caring" people tend to use emotional vulnerability as a way to bargain with someone else:

"I'll be emotional for you, now you must show me approval and love."

Caring can also be egoic attachment (in fact, 9/10 times it is egoic attachment. If you insist it's not egoic attachment, you're kidding yourself).

Consider that narcissists and "emotional/caring" people get together because they're BOTH SELFISH.

A truly selfless person would have enough self-love that their emotional vulnerability is no longer a bargaining tool; their caring, no longer mere attachment.

A truly selfless person would have enough self-love that they have high standards and crystal-clear personal boundaries. A truly selfless person would have nothing to do with a narcissist out of respect for themselves and the narcissist.

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@Natasha my mom was abusive. 

I'm not exactly demonizing narcissists. Just that I don't want them around me because they cause a lot of harm through their manipulation. 

Not everyone has to suffer trauma in order to be abused by narcissists..the narcissist who had abused me had also had toxic relationships with other women and when I befriended those women, they had no history of trauma. 

Narcissists destroy lives. It's just facts. They need to own it. And it's not overrated. In fact most women don't even realize that they are suffering narcissistic abuse because they are hardly aware of such a term.

More awareness in this aspect is necessary 

 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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1 minute ago, RendHeaven said:

 

A truly selfless person would have enough self-love that their emotional vulnerability is no longer a bargaining tool; their caring, no longer mere attachment.

A truly selfless person would have enough self-love that they have high standards and crystal-clear personal boundaries

Having boundaries and selflessness are two different things. I've seen selfless people get shit on and that's because they never learned how to keep boundaries. 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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10 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Vulnerability is a great way to build intimacy. I'd probably find very suspicious by this type of behavior.

Next time, maybe take this as a red flag as well.

Yep. 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Having boundaries and selflessness are two different things. I've seen selfless people get shit on and that's because they never learned how to keep boundaries. 

These same "selfless people" you see "getting shit on" due to their lack of boundaries end up complaining for days and weeks and months and years about how they keep getting shit on.

Why? Because they're fucking selfish. They're not actually selfless. It's so obvious.

Listen, maybe selfless people without boundaries do exist (in the form of sages and saints). But these people never complain because they have real self-love.

Unless you're literally a saint with 50 years of cosmic contemplation under your belt, your best bet toward selflessness is to set firm personal boundaries.

Edited by RendHeaven

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5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Natasha my mom was abusive. 

I'm not exactly demonizing narcissists. Just that I don't want them around me because they cause a lot of harm through their manipulation. 

Not everyone has to suffer trauma in order to be abused by narcissists..the narcissist who had abused me had also had toxic relationships with other women and when I befriended those women, they had no history of trauma. 

Narcissists destroy lives. It's just facts. They need to own it. And it's not overrated. In fact most women don't even realize that they are suffering narcissistic abuse because they are hardly aware of such a term.

More awareness in this aspect is necessary 

 

 

I agree. 

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6 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

Listen, maybe selfless people without boundaries do exist (in the form of sages and saints). But these people never complain because they have real self-love.

You're conflating two different things here. 

Being selfless towards someone is one thing.

Having self love is a totally different thing. 

These are two different parameters. 

Some people are not very good at self love because of past trauma or abuse and they can be very selfless people, they can do selfless acts. 

Also complaining about something is venting out. It's not selfish. If someone is hurt, let them complain. Calling them selfish is like telling a domestic violence victim that they should just shut up and not complain. 

Here I'm not bitching or whining. That can be considered selfish, I understand 

But asking for help and looking for perspectives on why certain patterns exist is called self introspection and opening up to people, that's absolutely nothing selfish about it 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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1 hour ago, Etherial Cat said:

Pavlovian would mean that you've been trained with a reward. 

Well, yes, at least for me. I remember when I was a child, my parents would reward me psychologically in order for me to desire women. They would point to a singer on TV and tell me that I am a good kid and that they will marry me with her. It's Pavlovian conditioning on the level of the psyche/self-esteem. That's when I first started desiring women. After that, and as I was growing up, the only thing that was attractive to me is the thoughts of me hugging girls and kissing them. I didn't know anything about sex at that point. And then slowly with time, since nipples were not supposed to be seen, I started developing a curiosity to see nipples. Then somehow I started developing a desire to see everything that's hidden by default; including breasts, butts and butt holes, and vaginas.

1 hour ago, Etherial Cat said:

A man's attraction towards them since to be pre-conditioning, like it's biological, I'd say.

No, nothing really biological about it. It's all psychological. I assume the same thing for women, but in reverse and in different ways. Otherwise, how do you explain homosexuality and bisexuality and all the different orientations, fetishes, and perversity?

1 hour ago, Etherial Cat said:

Tits and ass are a sign of fertility, like the waist to hip ratio. Its recognizing instinctively who's a good reproducer. 

Lol no. Obesity-phobia debunks this theory entirely. If fertility is truly the attractive thing about women, then fat women should be the hottest, or at least high on the rankings because:

Fat = estrogen | Estrogen = fertility

This theory is basically coming from the evolutionary perspective and it obviously is biased and somehow works like a self-fulfilling prophecy. When science ranks certain people higher, we automatically tend to think that they're more attractive.

Although, technically, at certain levels, high estrogen starts becoming antagonistic to fertility. So not all elevations in estrogen levels are indicators of fertility.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

They bring out my caring side more than other normal people. 

Bringing out those feminine caring instincts in me makes me produce oxytocin for them. I want to care for a person who needs my hug or affection. 

Narcissists tend to want my affection. So I tend to submit. 

I almost feel like a nurse who is helping a wounded soldier. 

 

YES! Very good. Now that's some progress. You are an enneagram type 2. Classic girly problem.

You sacrifice yourself too much for others to the point of not taking care of your needs enough. You need more self-care and self-love. Be more selfish.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

YES! Very good. Now that's some progress. You are an enneagram type 2. Classic girly problem.

Yep yep yep. 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You sacrifice yourself too much for others to the point of not taking care of your needs enough. You need more self-care and self-love.

Yes I do. 

Does this mean that I need to get a bit more selfish and move towards the center like I showed in the diagram? 

How can I get to act more selfish? 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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@Preety_India

Do you have a role-model in your life (specifically female)? It can be very hard to learn how to create boundaries when your caregivers were absent or abusive, because they were supposed to be your role-models, and now as a result of their absence you don't know how to create boundaries, and as a result of abuse you hate being like them so you refuse to create boundaries. And it all happens subconsciously, so your emotions are not allowing you to create the proper boundaries.

A good inspiring role-model can totally solve this problem for you.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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@Preety_India Read the book: Thick Face, Black Heart.

That's what you're missing.

You need to learn to be more ruthless. Which of course you will refuse to do cause you are stuck in the care-bear paradigm.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Don't put your well-being in other people's hands. Stop focusing so much on narcissistic or abusive people and focus on you! How you can elevate your vibe, be more confident, learn how to say no, and care for yourself first! The goal should be having such a powerful and strong energy that narcissists and psychos run away from you! Not you losing energy trying to keep them away. You rock girl! 

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1 minute ago, Gesundheit said:

@Preety_India

Do you have a role-model in your life (specifically female)? It can be very hard to learn how to create boundaries when your caregivers were absent or abusive, because they were supposed to be your role-models, and now as a result of their absence you don't know how to create boundaries, and as a result of abuse you hate being like them so you refuse to create boundaries. And it all happens subconsciously, so your emotions are not allowing you to create the proper boundaries.

A good inspiring role-model can totally solve this problem for you.

 

You're right about all this. The only female role model in my life was my mother who was both absent and abusive. My father died when I was too young. My siblings left the family long ago. And they settled in the US although they are good with my extended family and I do contact them some times. But usually I'm alone. My only pet was murdered by a man who had jealousy with my dad. 

So I lived a whole amount of time alone and abandoned. That loneliness could also attract me to narcissists because a lot of narcissists live alone or secluded, they like to be the lone wolf, that loneliness in them I can really connect and empathize with. 

I feel like by taking away their loneliness I'm bringing happiness into their life and also healing the abandoned inner child that I was in my childhood. 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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2 minutes ago, Barbara said:

Don't put your well-being in other people's hands. Stop focusing so much on narcissistic or abusive people and focus on you! How you can elevate your vibe, be more confident, learn how to say no, and care for yourself first! The goal should be having such a powerful and strong energy that narcissists and psychos run away from you! Not you losing energy trying to keep them away. You rock girl! 

Thank you so much for your words. That means a lot to me. :x


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

So I lived a whole amount of time alone and abandoned. That loneliness could also attract me to narcissists because a lot of narcissists live alone or secluded, they like to be the lone wolf, that loneliness in them I can really connect and empathize with. 

Or maybe THEY prey on you. Because they sense youre a push-over. 

Edited by Rilles

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