Preety_India

Why am I attracting narcissists?

75 posts in this topic

I have been pondering over my relationship issues and traumas over the past few days and I realized that there is a pattern in the type of men I'm attracting and they are usually narcissists. I'm quite frankly fed up with attracting all sorts of wrong people who end up taking advantage of me and I get too gullible and somehow I want to put an end to this pattern. 

 

So I thought over it and I began scribbling this diagram in my head. I began to see people on a spectrum from the least selfish or very selfless to the very selfish and the moderates flanking the center with the most balanced people in the center. (balanced means they know how to balance selflessness and selfishness). On the right side of the spectrum I placed myself in the extreme of people who are caring. And the conclusion that I drew is that the narcissists attack and predate on emotional and caring people. They are like energy vampires. 

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The solution for such people (to not get victimized by narcissists) is to gradually become survival oriented and move towards the center where they can see the benefits of being selfish and train themselves to be a little more selfish. 

 

What do you think of this insight? Also you could add your own perspectives on why people tend to attract narcissists and bad people. 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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Be honest, what is it you find attractive about narcissists?


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Usually caring people like you are afraid to offend people so they take advantage of you. 

Narcissists don't care about offending people and that's why you find them attractive. Because you need more of that. 

If you stopped being a people pleaser you would stop being attracted to them. 

There is a book on Leo's list about it. 

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5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Be honest, what is it you find attractive about narcissists?

They bring out my caring side more than other normal people. 

Bringing out those feminine caring instincts in me makes me produce oxytocin for them. I want to care for a person who needs my hug or affection. 

Narcissists tend to want my affection. So I tend to submit. 

I almost feel like a nurse who is helping a wounded soldier. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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Because narcissists love themselves and you don't. And deep inside, you want to experience self-love. The only way you know how is through them, because you don't know how to experience it by yourself. It's just a basic psychological need that you're deprived of.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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@Gesundheit is self-love selfish? 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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15 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Gesundheit is self-love selfish?

It depends on how we define selfishness and how we look at ourselves. There's not a simple answer to this question, but basically let's just say that selfishness is not a bad thing and it does not even exist. Why would I say that? Because you probably tend to assume that it is bad and wrong and you can't see how it’s not at all the case. In fact, here's a mindfuck for you; You are making an identity out of denying selfishness, which is itself a selfish act. So what are you gonna do? You're always gonna be selfish anyway no matter what you do. You can't be less selfish, and you can't get any more selfish. It's just a matter of focus and distribution. You can say that self-love is selfish, but then you're helping narcissists and allowing them to be more selfish. So you're merely taking away from your self and giving away to them. Which, ironically, defeats your own definition, because you said self-love is selfish but you don't apply this to narcissists, only to yourself. In doing that, you're basically enabling narcissists and disabling the good, loving, and caring people.

So, I say get rid of the whole concept and remove it out of your head completely. Don't ever think about being less selfish unless you have gone too far in the other direction, but that's far down the road. So don't worry about it at all for the next few months/years.

Edited by Gesundheit

If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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26 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Be honest, what is it you find attractive about narcissists?

Narcissists are VERY charming though. Its not so simple as to say "Stop being attracted to them" I know thats not exactly what you said but... The narcissists are 30% at fault too, Its like if a woman just walked up to you and said "Lets fuck" Would you say as a man "Hm, let me consider" No haha. Narcissists are the same except they love-bomb you with fantasies of how great it will be together in the relationship, or even the parent-child relationship, I have experience with narcissistic parent. 

"Why are you attracted to tits and ass, be honest"

Edited by Rilles

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@Rilles exactly. 

Their love bombing is on another level. It's so strong that it is impossible to resist. 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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15 minutes ago, Rilles said:

"Why are you attracted to tits and ass, be honest"

Classical Pavlovian conditioning.


If you have no confidence in yourself, you are twice defeated in the race of life. But with confidence you have won, even before you start.” -- Marcus Garvey

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39 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

They bring out my caring side more than other normal people. 

Bringing out those feminine caring instincts in me makes me produce oxytocin for them. I want to care for a person who needs my hug or affection. 

Narcissists tend to want my affection. So I tend to submit. 

I almost feel like a nurse who is helping a wounded soldier. 

Maybe your belief is that a good female's duty is to be sacrificial. I mean, that's a common narrative running within society.

I always pay attention that my boundaries are strong so people don't abuse them. If you are being abused, is mostly because you've got internalized patterns that make it so.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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6 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Classical Pavlovian conditioning.

Pavlovian would mean that you've been trained with a reward. 

A man's attraction towards them since to be pre-conditioning, like it's biological, I'd say.

Tits and ass are a sign of fertility, like the waist to hip ratio. Its recognizing instinctively who's a good reproducer. 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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2 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Pavlovian would mean that you've been trained with a reward. 

Well, whats an orgasm but a reward?

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12 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Well, whats an orgasm but a reward?

Aren't boys into tits and ass long before they get to touch them?

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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20 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I always pay attention that my boundaries are strong so people don't abuse them. If you are being abused, is mostly because you've got internalized patterns that make it so.

Let's say even if I don't get abused in a relationship, I'm still going to end up around narcissists because they have this enormous magnetic power that they create through a ton of love bombing. 

It becomes an addiction. 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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6 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Aren't boys into tits and ass long before they get to touch them?

Im not an expert on this to be honest. I just think unabashed charm is like crack to women. Just like beauty is to men. And narcissists got that on lock. 

Edited by Rilles

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1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

Let's say even if I don't get abused in a relationship, I'm still going to end up around narcissists because they have this enormous magnetic power that they create through a ton of love bombing. 

It becomes an addiction. 

How long does this love bombing phase last? 

One of the best tips I've been given about guys is not to look at their words, but at their actions. When you start a relationship with someone, be mindful that you are in a discovering phase and you need time to see that guy's full conditioning to deploy. At the beginning we are all on our best behavior are we get to see someone else's persona. 

The best way to test if you are facing a narcissistic early on, is to look for red flags and inspect how their ego functions.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Just now, Rilles said:

Im not an expert on this to be honest. I just think unabashed charm is like crack to women. Just like beauty is to men. And narcissists got that on lock. 

Yeah. ?

These are caveats we need to navigate. Women are attracted to power and men to beauty.

But its form change throughout existence. Maybe at first you are attracted to douchebags, but then you realize that a man's real power lays into something totally different. 

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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6 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

How long does this love bombing phase last? 

One of the best tips I've been given about guys is not to look at their words, but at their actions. When you start a relationship with someone, be mindful that you are in a discovering phase and you need time to see that guy's full conditioning to deploy. At the beginning we are all on our best behavior are we get to see someone else's persona. 

The best way to test if you are facing a narcissistic early on, is to look for red flags and inspect how their ego functions.

The love bombing can last anywhere between 3 weeks up to 3 months. This is the impression phase where the narcissist's sole focus is to impress as hard as he can. 

Your advice is on point. Screening them for red flags early on is a good idea. 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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14 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

The love bombing can last anywhere between 3 weeks up to 3 months. This is the impression phase where the narcissist's sole focus is to impress as hard as he can. 

Yeah, keep this in mind then, next time.

Until both characters aren't revealed, just assume your relationship is still on a test, and don't let yourself excessively thrilled.

Another thing, narcissistic tend to dislike Truth. If you ask them deep question while you guys are getting to know each other, you might also dig the dirt.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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