Top Relationship Resources

[gahzito]

Hey there,

Today I was reading Ken Wilber's The Religion of Tomorrow book and I was struck with so much gratitude for you @Leo Gura... it's just a gift that I'm even able to understand almost everything that this book says. You have given me so much and I just felt like sharing some love with you. 

I noticed that I have never shared many precious gifts that I have found along my path with y'all, in an area that I think the actualized.org crew is needing lots of resources, which is relationships (my life's purpose is to teach people how to have conscious, authentic, healthy relationships - I'm a therapist). 

So here we go, the best resources I have found after years of pursuing this relationship path:

Best teachers + books + seminars (stage yellow/turquoise)

https://www.learningloveinstitute.com/

https://www.learningloveinstitute.com/portfolio/books-2/

OTHER HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BOOKS: https://www.learningloveinstitute.com/books-we-recommend/ (great books on sexuality and tantric practices - life-transforming)

I have tears in my eyes just thinking about these two teachers: Krishnananda & Amana... this is love at its purest. I hope some of you have the opportunity of meeting these teachers, they are the most loving human beings I have ever met. Their teachings are deeply rooted in non duality (they lived with Osho for many many years - they have a very interesting life's story). Even though they call Osho their master, they are the 1st ones to say "Osho was full of shit in many situations".

I recommend to start by reading their book: Face to Face with Fear – Transforming Fear Into Love or Stepping out of Fear – Breaking Free of Pain and Suffering.

They try to communicate in a very simple way and give people very simple models for healing. 

You can solve ANY relationship problem you have in a therapy session with either of them, which costs something around $170. Another amazing thing about them is how their business doesn't revolve around money, their seminars and sessions are fairly cheap compared to most teachers.

I cannot recommend this work enough. THIS IS GOLD!

Best way to practice authentic relating based on meditation and find a community of people that you can feel deeply connected to

https://integralcentered.com/aletheia/ + https://integralcentered.com/ken-wilber-on-authentic-relating/ (Ken Wilber's take on authentic relating)

https://www.circlinginstitute.com/circling/what-is-circling/

https://www.circlingeurope.com/what-is-circling

https://circleanywhere.com/

I highly recommend circling. It's an amazing way to see your relational blind spots, to feel absurdly connected to other human beings, learn communication tools and etc. It has it's some pitfalls, like not exploring trauma and how to heal wounds, but it's an amazing tool to growth.

A good introductory book on circling: Circling and authentic relating - Marc Beneteau (even though the author is fairly undeveloped).

Most big cities have a live circling group these days that you can attend.

Other good resources

Podcasts (yellowish): https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/ and https://www.neilsattin.com/relationshipalive/  (there are some false teachings in these podcasts, but many useful teachings and resources).

Relationship courses + trainings: https://relationshipschool.com/dpir/ - I have been studying with this teacher for the last 2 years. I have spent $25k on his courses and I find them to be a very good base for a healthy relational life. He's mostly yellow, but he's still very stuck in some orange toxicity IMO - he can be very manipulative, greedy and etc. I have done trainings with him because the most recommended teachers - learningloveinstitute - don't offer programs as he does. I still highly recommend this material (especially if you are still in orange or green), but you should know that some of the stuff that he teaches is based on falsehood IMO. I'm leaving this teacher soon and completely focusing on the Learning Love Institute one's.

Another downside is that it's very expensive.

Other interesting authors and books:

Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the path of liberation - Bruce Tift (yellow+turquoise)

Mindsight - Daniel J Siegel

Gabor Maté

...

There are many more that I could list here, but I actually think it's best for all of you to focus on the ones that I have already mentioned (too much information can be distracting). All the people that these 2 podcasts interview can be good resources.

 

@Leo Gura if you are open for feedback: I think that the relationship books in your list are pretty bad lol , which makes sense because you were mostly on stage orange when you created this list (I think).

The way of the superior man: this book can be very shaming in my opinion and is male chauvinist (even though I loved it when I read it years ago and it has some beautiful insights). My perception today is that it has very poor relationship teachings. Chapters like: Don't force the feminine to make decisions, Praise her, What she wants is not what she says, Her complaint is content-free, She wants to relax in the demonstration of your direction and etc are pretty bad (very blue/orange). Real relational teachings teach you to be with your wounds and emotions, there's very little of that here. I think Deida is a case of someone that maybe has done lots of waking up (maybe not even that), but hasn't done much growing up.

The 5 Love languages: IMO this is stage blue relationship garbage... the 5 love languages are actually feeding people's egos/shame in most situations. Even though it has a "positive effect" in the short-run, it feeds falsehood in the long run. Example: someone's love language is Words of Affirmation - if you go deep enough, you'll see that the person was traumatized into thinking that he/she is only worthy, lovable when receiving compliments from other people. It's like telling a model that she's beautiful, she'll feel good about it, but it's feeding her shame instead of dealing with it.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus / The 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work / He's Just Not That Into You - these books are very orange and don't give actual tools for people to heal their relational wounds and move towards healthy relationships.

Let me know how this lands for you! 

 

If anyone has questions or wants more suggestions and advice, let me know!

Relationships are such an incredible way to deal with our shadows, especially long term partnerships. And of course, such an important part of life that cannot be avoided. I hope this helps some of you to grow up in the relational area of your lives. 

Lots of love fellow seekers,

Gabriel. 

 

 

 

[Bill W]

Thanks for this. Have you heard of Harville Hendrix by any chance? Not sure how his work is perceived. It's just that about 10 years ago I read a book of his that really resonated with me when I was in a really bad jealous/possessive boyfriend role! I've lost the book. Can't even remember the title. 

 

[gahzito]

@Bill W yes I have heard of Harville Hendrix, I would definitely recommend his work! He's actually mentioned on the recommended books list that I posted above. Here are the two books that are recommended:

Harville Hendrix: Finding the Love You Want

Harville Hendrix: Getting the Love You Find

The Relationship School teacher that I mentioned also interviewed Hendrix twice, in case you are interested:

https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/getting-the-love-you-want-harville-hendrix-helen-lakelly-hunt-smart-couple-podcast-227/

https://relationshipschool.com/podcast/they-went-to-5-different-therapists-hired-divorce-lawyers-and-somehow-stayed-together-harville-hendrix-helen-hunt-sc-199/

Lots of love,

Gabriel.

[Elisabeth]

@gahzito Thanks. Please keep a presence on this forum, if time permits

[Damien]

Dear @gahzito thank you for these resources and pointers.

I don't have as much of an understanding of the field of relationships as you do but it is true that the abovementioned books left me hungry for more. 

 

[LfcCharlie4]

Awesome post mate. 
 

Disagree about 5 love languages though, certain people will genuinely respond better to different ways of receiving love, maybe you could upgrade the ways of giving this love and you could simultaneously work to heal that areA, however, do think it can help  

[bonesurfer]

The Way of The Superior Man seems stage green. It operates from an archetypal perspective: masculine and feminine.

[Martin123]

For anyone interested in attachment styles, this is the go-to resource 100% https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ

[Meetjoeblack]

I enjoy David Deida. 

[Austin Actualizing]

Awesome post! I really appreciate it. Relationships are an area of study I would like to learn a lot more about. Bookmarked  

Edited January 20, 2020 by Austin Actualizing

[Average Investor]

Thanks so much for sharing this information. Just what I was looking for! 

[Kshantivadin]

thank you very much!!! 

[Villager Albert]

No joke, I think guys from RSD give the best advice for men as far as relationships, at least romantic relationships.

Cause they have the most experience with dating and they dated pretty much every type of woman.

[Lyubov]

Attraction advice for men: good channels that aren't low conscious red pill junk

- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man (must reed, all his stuff)

- The Naturals Lifestyle (youtube, these guys are the most conscious in male dating advice space on youtube)

- The Fearless Man (youtube)

- Coach Corey Wayne (youtube)

- Travel Bum Productions (youtube)

- Todd V Dating (youtube, ex RSD coach so it's 25/75 between low conscious crap and gold but he is more conscious and holistic now than before, often times some good free advice on youtube)

[peqkno]

 

[Ella]

Finding relationships was top prio whole my life... . and now I just got the insight I don't need them anymore ? ?

[Mellocean]

@Ella Can't wait to be you in that regard.