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About Elisabeth

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  1. You've got so much good going. Dropping everything might mean that it will be hard to pick it up again. Momentum is that way. I'd think maybe you want to keep at least some routine (maybe your meditation and voice exercise) even on vacation. What is it that you're tired of?
  2. Are you the type of person who could just choose a goal - ANY goal - and go for it? Not try figuring out "purpose" and "passion" and just go for the satisfaction of accomplishing something you have decided to accomplish? Watch the "small bets" video (82). Just to know that even if you do find that "big" purpose you'll gonna have to test the waters.
  3. You'll have to look into that yourself, as the salary would vary greatly among the different IT branches. Maybe my friend had some high demand skills. He's very clever. Anyway, Prague opportunities may or may not be good, but since you seem willing to move, you have a lot of places in the world to contemplate...
  4. I'm in academia. I take ~1000 Eur. My friend in IT (with some experience) got the same for a half-time job while at school. If I flat-share, I pay about a third of it for accommodation. Single accommodation is too expensive unless I get really lucky. Like this, I to save about a fifth of my salary monthly (I don't feel like I'm trying too hard, but I do take care not to eat out too often). But I don't think you'll save much if you fly there and back to Sweden from time to time. I've been to Gothenburg for a conference. I found Swedish people somewhat emotionally distant but generally pleasant to be around.
  5. I'm also keeping my distance from enlightenment work. I have no idea about awakenings. From my (low) standpoint I have no damn idea if what you're going through is one, or if it's some other kind of psychological issue where you fool yourself into thinking that you suffer because of an "ego death". I'm not distrusting you, but I really have no way to tell, and I don't know if you youself have a way to tell. And maybe it's both awakening and "illness". That's one reason why I'm trying to direct you to local help. Someone who can help you recognize and name your issues and decide on the course of action would be incredible. The other reason I'm trying to point you to real life people is that you sound extremely lonely. That is very common and understandable with any kind of issues. But human company, someone offering real presence and understanding, is one of the most effective and valuable healing tools. Any suffering is much more bearable if you're not alone in it, and not being alone in and of itself starts healing old trauma. Do you feel that presence and understanding from your therapist? The third reason is that it is likely that there are people even in your city who have been through a similar experience, or someone who is able and willing to just be with you and your process. People who can help in "alternative" ways will often not be very public about it. Exactly because you (and I) distrust both the medical path and hardcore spirituality, I suggest therapists. Or people who also have one foot in the west, one foot in the east. They are least likely to present their way as the only one possible. Also because you don't trust structures, I suggest you trust people. Like not blindly trust, but if you find someone who had a similar experience and overcame it, wouldn't you gladly accept some guidance? I don't think Germany is any worse off in terms of advanced spiritual people than the rest of the western world. They are rare everywhere. You have Eckhart Tolle ;), and surely not only him. Where are you from exactly? I hope your therapist can help you too, although he doesn't know that much about awakening.
  6. Probly not high in Swedish standards. Sweden is much more expensive overall than Cz. So IT people being in high demand by foreign companies has raised the bar to more "western" numbers. I kind of assumed it would be a good job across Europe but maybe not. I wouldn't describe myself as hairy but I sure as hell don't care to impress with my looks at day-to-day work. I go with the lowest acceptable standard (imho) because I don't enjoy the time-investment and process of making myself pretty because of other people. I can understand not wanting to share an office with an unpleasant coworker, but I guess I misunderstand why dating prospect would play a crucial role in deciding your career-path.
  7. Well, that's a start at least! Have you discussed your options with him? Could he refer you to a more intensive program (I assume you're only seeing him for an hour a week or so, which seems very little in your case)? Even if that's not your path, I'm very glad you'll be doing trauma resolution. Hopefully you can work out the spirituality part with him as well. Also, I remember now the Buddhist meditation teacher I met (who didn't suit me as a meditation teacher) was a former therapist. Accidentally, he's also German, though living in Prague now. I'm not saying you should go heavy Buddhist (although if this is an awakening they could as well know a thing or two about it), but my idea is, maybe there's someone in your local meditation center who also has therapeutic experience, or who knows a therapist that also has had an awakening experience. Maybe you could consult that person once or twice at least. Speaking trauma, I've really enjoyed Teal Swan's videos in the last few weeks. I don't know if watching video's is a good idea for you right now or not - generally educating yourself does help some, but not if it tips you over to unmanageable states.
  8. I'm so sorry this is still being hard Have you managed to reach out to anyone? Have found a therapist in Germany? The only other idea I have is to email the Holos centre in Czech Republic (my country). They do holotropic breathwork and help in psychospiritual crises. See if they can have you there for a few weeks. I'm seriously convinced you would really benefit from a full-time therapeutic program, but I remember and respect your decision not to get involved with anyone who would get you medicated. Therapeutic programs can be great. I've benefitted from mine even in a conventional mental health facility. https://holos.cz/en/holos-centre
  9. I got way better over the past two weeks. I can sometimes get peaceful with meditation again. For me, meditation Is when I just get present with the body, and "practical" life-purpose thoughts usually don't come up that much. I attribute my April depression to the antibiotics for the tonsilitis destroying my gut bacteria (in conjunction with the anxiety of having my first conference talk). I never made that connection before, but it was quite obvious this time. Dropped you some material that I'm now looking through in your thread. Well these are the stumbling questions, right? I'm not sure how to answer the "what do you love doing" question. Sometimes it seems like the answer is "nothing". Sometimes I come up with "psychology", or "being present with people". Sometimes it's "physics". I do like the analytical calculations part, and I appreciate the understanding I gained. I think I'm gonna put understanding somewhere high up on my values list. I'm increasingly noticing how the notions I learned both during my formal education and from spiritual teachers influence my world-view, my values and my decision-making. I've also known for a long time that I see beauty in the simplicity of an idea and enjoy their interconnectedness. And, my notion of understanding also crucially involves compassion. I feel this is a real important hint towards the kind of impact I want to have. If understanding can really change people's lives, I want to build bridges. I could be some sort of educator (although a school teacher in any formal institution doesn't feel right), I could do this by writing scientific papers about my work, I could help find a common language between different fields (be it within science between eg. relativity and condensed matter or on the periphery between science and the public)... or in many other ways. Building bridges feels very right to me, although I feel that a creative element is missing. One of the aspects of Leo's work I admire the most is building this bridge between rationality and spirituality. I've benefitted immensely from him doing that, and it's also something I try to do for the people around me when I get the chance - telling my more "rational" friends about do-nothing meditation, denouncing misconceptions about quantum theory with "spiritual" people, and generally providing the opposite point of view to anyone's opinion 'cause I can hold them all ...
  10. I don't know about US (or wherever you are) but over here (Prague) it's possible for IT students to get part-time jobs or work doing projects for themselves, and still live off the money, since the average IT wage is twice the median wage. That's why I suggested it. Damn that's an incredibly hurtful judgement Man, you can date whomever you want, look outside of workplace or do whatever you want, but give the women who've decided to not play the "conforming to the contemporary beauty ideal" game a break.
  11. I'd like to share some resources for inspiration with @Azote @jjer94 @Rajat Bhatia @Black Flag and others following the thread. One ambitious grad student created a program for students who want to find a science-related career outside of academia: http://phdladder.wixsite.com/phdladder They provide a link to a webpage with a similar goal. They have skills, values and interests assessments on the site which are a perfect inspiration. https://myidp.sciencecareers.org/ Finally, I'll just add a TED talk from a teacher for the students The reset button (I don't quite agree with all he sais, in fact I'm surprised how much of my course curricula is needed, at least while I stay in science but he's got a point.)
  12. Most IT people don't have to shave or iron shirts, and some of them even have flexible hours and/or home office. I don't know a way to avoid all responsibility, adaptation, routine work and all the related pain though
  13. @AmalieRuby Oh yeah, actually credit to your interest for being upfront. Before sex happened. It should be the obvious honest thing to do, but sometimes they don't. Wish you best of luck in the future.
  14. There's a saying. "Never treat someone a priority who treats you as an option." Listen to that. He wants to keep contact either (assuming best intentions) to be real friends or to keep options open. Or both. It's ok and it's very human, but you wanted more and you could get easily caught in one-sided romance. So don't give him more more thought than he gives you. If you like the guy and want to have a chat and a drink from time to time, no problem. What I suggest is a break let romantic feelings dwindle down and restart without the mess. 40 days no contact is the recommended timeline. Just tell him you need a few weeks break to get your head clear. Then go 40 days no contact. You can decide to contact him or not afterwards. There's no fire. You don't have to know now. (edit: I see you've only known each other for two months. Maybe you don't need whole 40 days. I'm not sure.)