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About Elisabeth

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  1. I think you can safely disregard the label. I mean, don't identify with it. There is so much more to you than the diagnosis. My psychiatric diagnosis changed like three or four times over the years. That's more the norm than an exception. My experience stayed mine. Autism is a developmental disorder, with a bunch (a spectrum) of different ways to manifest in a person. It says very little about you in particular. You could be like Sheldon Cooper, or you could have just a little difficulty in overly crowded, noisy or otherwise stimulating spaces, or you could be someone who barely speaks and gets tantrum where they can't control their body. For some reason, they are all called 'autism'. Psychiatry can't cure the root cause of autism. If there is such a thing as a root cause. Personal development, maybe, can help you lead a happier life. Treat your 'symptoms' as any other part of your personality: Accept them, possibly change them gradually, or find workarounds. Remember that you have to start where you are right now. If reading about autism helps you recognize patterns in yourself, why not. If the psychiatrist offers you medication to mitigate some of your symptoms, you can take them as a crutch. Luckily, you have the choice to work on stuff you really want to work on right now, not necessarily on everything at once. But treat medication as just that: something you take temporarily to escape some pain and maybe get some free capacity to do the actual work. If that works for you, great.
  2. I did my second holotropic breathwork seminar last week. It was a four day group "retreat" with two 3 hour sessions (again, it's not required that one breathes non-stop), plus sitting through two other sessions watching another person, which can also let some stuff loose, plus sauna, some relaxation exercises, and sharing with the group. (As a side note, this was like the most "green" group of people I've been part of so far.) My first seminar, nearly two months ago, from hindsight seems to have had a slight but undeniable effect on my confidence and overall approach to life. So I decided I could trust the method. I went into this seminar with an intention to breath through some really dark emotional pain I've been living with for basically my whole life, that I feel almost physically in my chest. Heavy shit that I have been able to look at in psychotherapy, but found no way to change it. At the seminar I finally got the tool, the space and incredible support to do this work - once my process started there were a facilitator and my sitter doing bodywork with me for a full hour or two. I really had no idea about time, I was coughing and fighting and screaming and crying, and breathing intensely anytime I felt the emotions mellowing out. I got both insights into the nature of my pain, and partial relief. It seems I've purged some family grief, while other bits are not yet quite clear. The painful feeling in my chest changed slightly in it's nature (and it may continue to change more during integration) - this is an incredible result for me, because I had been watching it for years prior and it seemed unchanging and unchangeable. I'm so glad I made space for this, and I'm sure I couldn't have done this alone anytime soon. I think I also got lucky with the people leading the seminar. because they were willing to give me so much attention, although there was a room full of other people. (Hint: The most expensive seminar is not necessarily the one organized with most love.) Hearing people's stories was also incredibly interesting. Not everyone was working with emotions/body sensations. A lot of people get full blown visions/stories during their sessions, someone being a dragon or an eagle, someone else having to watch his kids die, someone talking to a spiritual guide etc. There were also two people spontaneously falling into self-inquiry. It's a versatile method indeed, and although intentions sometimes guide the process (like in my case), you can never really know what will emerge.
  3. It's entirely possible he took a different drug, but it's also possible he's just reacting out of the ordinary. Years ago I took a psychiatric SSRI type drug. "One pill won't do anything, I will take about two weeks before the effects become noticable", they said. Well I only took the first pill, first day. I got completely stoned, with a lot of laughter and gaps in my attention. I took the pill in the morning, the effect lasted from the afternoon to late night or something. (Needless to say I'm careful with drugs since.) The psychiatrist kinda just shrugged and said "paradoxical reaction" and prescribed a different type of drug. Apparently weird effects happen sometimes even with drugs that are not supposed to have weird effects, since every body and every psyche is different. When it's one case out of 100 or 1000, you have to have good statistics and side effects reports to know.
  4. Is that the Dean Radin guy? I've heard about him. I don't have an opinion yet. I don't know if he's right. There are some critiques regarding his scientific practices, which is to be expected either way. I read in detail the 'independent replication' of his experiment, but there are issues with the statistics. They first found nothing, then changed the procedure of data processing. So not impressed, you can always get an effect out of the fluctuations if you try hard enough. But thanks, I may watch it later, perhaps.
  5. @Time Traveler As already indicated, you are missing the fact that quantum MEASUREMENT actually changes the wave function. (As a physicist, I'll deliberately use measurement on this forum, not observation, to leave consciousness out of the debate in the first run.) So if we, by any physical means (like the aforementioned laser) determine the path the electron goes through, the interaction of the measured object (electron) and the measuring device (laser) has an impact on the measured system. The electron's wave-function "collapses" into one of the two classical states: going through left or right slit, and this is reflected on the screen. ( Also note that what's measured on the screen is not actually the wave function but (wave function squared), i.e. probability. ) If the above explanation seems a little weird, that's because it is. Quantum mechanics is inherently weird, and even the most standard interpretation has some flaws. That's why you can also have other, even more weird interpretations. One thing that is debatable, and most discussions on consciousness and QM will explicitly or implicitly use this issue, is "what the heck consists a measurement", as well as "so you divide your system into something 'quantum' and some 'classical' measuring apparatus, why would you do the division exactly this way?" Same issue in two different wordings. Physicists know it's a bit of an arbitrary distinction and how to include your measuring device into the math if needed (and move the arbitrary distinction one level up). Leo has debated at length in his series how the arbitrariness of this distinction, if we try to include the whole universe into the quantum system, in his opinion points to non-duality. But for your question, we don't need that.
  6. Reframe: I found AN answer after 20 minutes. Maybe there are other answers too, which are just as right, or fundamentally different, or even deeper.
  7. As another thing to consider, maybe it's not about Asia or USA at all, it's about a choice of lifestyle and the people you choose to associate with. Give us the list of things you crave and feel you miss because of 'the culture'.
  8. @Nahm , your guidance is priceless. I followed it and sat with the feeling yesterday, but I haven't had much luck with intuition or emotional releases while on it. Still, I will follow up (possibly at my next holotropic breathwork session two weeks from now - an intention to revisit the blockage and open up to love seems very doable). I also had an intuition today around my monogamous friend that the thought closing me was 'love is dangerous'. So that's a clue right there. Yes, we did move, and yes my great grand father died when I was about five, and yes one of my earliest memories is losing a toy (and my mum being very clear it had been my responsibility). I've had some emotions come up around those events when working in therapy previously. There may be other stuff that's not quite mine but learned from family - there definitely has been grief and anxiety. (That also feels like clues, but 'not it', too many words maybe? :)) I agree tiny is a weird word choice. Really I've been serious as far as my memories go back. I've been told I'm serious in preschool. Yes, I am willing to do that now.
  9. I ended up going to consult the lecturer too late and only meeting him when leaving. I admitted not understanding anything and he was kind to me, told me to come today. Then I cried for 45 minutes in my schools bathroom. (Well, that was cleansing.) So next try with more hope today. Yes, do get some help. I also want to resume therapy as soon as I get the chance, and I'm going to speak to the school's 'carrier counselor' for, well, perspective. 'Help' doesn't help fast, but even the act of seeking it can give you some momentum to start turning your life around.
  10. @ValiantSalvatore @Widdle Puppy @Emerald @Isaac Stamper @Nahm People you're all wonderful and I owe you an answer, I've just had to put it off because reminding myself of that feeling was too painful. I see there are at least some that feel the same kind of stuff. I do think now, and you've given me some hints, that it has to do with the heart. Loving kindness meditation is very difficult for me (often impossible), to really summon the feeling, so I don't do it, but obviously I should. It's true that on occasions when I really feel love the blockage is not there. I've just had the opportunity to observe how strongly the wound responds to the feelings of "falling in love". I offered some bdsm play to a friend and obviously in such a contexts feelings can start arising. I nurtured them for a bit, and breathed them into my heart, and I could really feel it opening and loving everything. Yet then I talked to my friend the next day and he confessed to wanting a monogamous relationship, and I had to reject him since that doesn't sit right with me long-term. It was uncomfortable and it made the feelings go and the pain in my chest returned. Now I don't have access to those radiant loving feelings again, although I do have compassion for suffering. So yes, "opening the heart" seems to be the spiritual term for what I need to do. Nahm, YES, I certainly do have a serious outlook on life and I've had it ever since I was a tiny pre-school kid. Why do you think it's got something to do with the emotional scar described above? I can't really grasp the connection.
  11. Hi, I can't help you, but I feel you very much, I'm in the same place today. I knew I would not be able to learn for an exam properly, so I asked the lecturer for a consultation first to take the pressure of 'you'll be examined' off me, but I manage to learn very much for that either, so I'm resistant going there. I don't grasp the math I should have learned in my previous years, I don't have to discipline to continue. I feel like I should quit my job (phd studies), I feel like my relationship is wrong too, I feel like I have no other marketable skills, I feel worthless. You're not alone. P.S. I know I could not handle medical school, even the first year. So although you got stuck 3/4 in, you have an achievement right there.
  12. I think you just go about the different areas separately. If you have some blue authoritarian thinking left, you can try to transcend that in favor of a more individualistic approach. If you're mostly orange, see where it feels superficial and where it seems necessary, try to let go of the superficial parts and discover green, keep and expand what's necessary or unfinished. Also no problem doing some "yellow" type of studying if that's what you're compelled to. You can start a meditation habit in orange/green, no problem. Naturally, orange will often do basic mindfulness and stress reduction techniques, green can go explore all the different kinds out there, opening chackras etc. Ultimately, don't let yourself be held back by the classification. If a practice feels compelling, it may well be right for you.
  13. (Here speaks the heretic:) Customize the course. Maybe the question list you got stuck on is not the right exercise for you. You've had motivation to work on your values, maybe you'll have motivation to find your zone of genius too. Try doing as much as the course as you can right now, because otherwise you'll end up in the trap described by Moreira. Try doing the course and find something you can do on your own, without an employer. Try doing the course and find out if you're studying the right thing. (Is your studies genuinely the most meaningful? Only you can know). Try finishing the course so that you know how you want to contribute, what change you want to achieve. Then start going in that direction. It will be harder once you work 9-5.
  14. Byron Katie writes in her book how she went to prisons. It seems that worked a bit.
  15. I understand now a little better. Thanks for clarification. Wasem, we don't know a solution for your country either. It's convoluted stuff. I'm very sorry about that.