Posted July 22, 2019 (edited) @bejapuskas I was finally wrong Edited July 22, 2019 by Raphael Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 22, 2019 Since I started my journey here, I see everything as a distraction. Gaming, watching videos/Netflix, socializing, going to the cinema, chatting online. I have a hard time sleeping knowing how much time I wasted. My porn addiction was close to gone. Keywords: WAS & CLOSE I think socializing is like a competition, where without grabbing the centre of attention you are doing absolutely nothing. Listening to people’s stories, I always have this thought in the back of my mind that I don’t care about it. I am a boring person, I can see it in other people’s eyes during the awkward silences. I seek social comfort in online communities, because the amount of times I have tried it IRL turned out too unworthy. Oh and I have little success online. I sometimes wish I was flying in space, away from earth without any stress. I can’t stop but look from the perspective that all teen boys and girls have loads of socializing fun and relationships, while me here just doesn’t have it. At the same time I look down on these teens, knowing their whole mind hasn’t opened a bit to the universe. It hasn’t expanded farther than their school and favorite beauty bloggers. I am lonely and it is actually killing me. I have had several suicidal thoughts and moments AND DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT. I cry a lot before I sleep. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 22, 2019 3 hours ago, Ampresus said: I am lonely and it is actually killing me You might feel lonely, but you're not alone. Check out Leo's vid on point. Hugs Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 (edited) I've become more self aware and tell myself I'm much better off now than I was 5 years ago. I soak up all the self-help I find and don't put any of it into practice in the real world beyond some green lifestyle changes. I don't spend too much time away from my parents home. I continue to take in more and more information about psychology, spirituality, philosophy, etc. but dont bother trying to break through barriers I have set for myself. I am unemplyed and have an excuse for most propositions people give me because "I won't stand for a career thats not actually helping the world". Ta-da!!!! Don't get me wrong. I have made some changes for the better. I've cut a LOT of crap out of my life (gaming, television, junkfood, breaking things out of anger) and replaced them with good habits (reading, gardening, keeping personal space clean and organized) but my problem remains the same as its been my whole life. I can't function to the best of my ability around people. I can't stand peoples crude lack of self-awareness, lashing out, scapegoating. Its a thing I've been avoiding my whole life and cant stop avoiding. I can't make myself try to love people and be around them. It seems an impossible endeavor to manage. Edited July 23, 2019 by RickyBalboa Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 @Natasha I already watched that video 2 times. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 @Ampresus All the answers you seek for your life are right here. You hit the jackpot finding this teachings. You can spend your whole life dicking around with 'self-help' and it will get you nowhere. Working to an Awakening is the only way. Do whatever you have to do. Back pack to another country if you have to to get the substances needed. Do all the daily practices. The answers are all right here. To not do them is just you enjoying your suffering. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 When I see a french woman with double D's I still tend to get horny no matter how "conscious" I think I am. My Quora - https://www.quora.com/profile/Michael-L-Whild Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 @Leo Gura We're waiting for you Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 I blame my parents for me not trying hard enough at school. I wish they sat me down and said “listen son, you have to try hard at school, and if you don’t, it will come back to bite you on the ass later in life” I’m 25, I probably still have time to do something better in my work, but it feels too late. I didn’t realise how important it actually is to get good grades at school. I had way too much fun with friends. However, I know now that there is nobody to blame except myself, which is terrifying to admit to myself. I’m glad I’ve found personal development and spirituality, but that won’t fix the career problem... Ouch... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 12 hours ago, Ampresus said: Since I started my journey here, I see everything as a distraction. Gaming, watching videos/Netflix, socializing, going to the cinema, chatting online. I have a hard time sleeping knowing how much time I wasted. My porn addiction was close to gone. Keywords: WAS & CLOSE Do you feel deep suffering, when you indulge in these activities? If you are anything like me, you probably do. Sometimes you just have to take a small break from the work and just observe how the „normal“ life feels. I finally realized how all this unconsciousness and addiction is not enjoyable at all, but for some reason this pain seems less obvious than for example putting your hand inside a fireplace, so they keep doing it. Study your emotions, they are trying to tell you the truth 12 hours ago, Ampresus said: I think socializing is like a competition, where without grabbing the centre of attention you are doing absolutely nothing. Listening to people’s stories, I always have this thought in the back of my mind that I don’t care about it. I am a boring person, I can see it in other people’s eyes during the awkward silences. I seek social comfort in online communities, because the amount of times I have tried it IRL turned out too unworthy. Oh and I have little success online. Actually I was this person who can grab attention very easily, but it still feels like you aren't whole, you have to constantly keep grabbing attention of the people around you, it's like addiction basically. Detachment is the real deal. When you start to suffer less, you will become more interested in people's stories and looking into someone's eyes will feel like staring into the center of the Universe. Try to see what makes you interested in someone and than ask yourself why are you not interesting for others. Usually the answer is selfishness. 12 hours ago, Ampresus said: I sometimes wish I was flying in space, away from earth without any stress. It's actually better than that - you ARE the space. When you just feel your emotions, without any stupid thought stories, you will see how that's true. It is easy to think that you are some ego struggling on Earth, but that is not alligned with the Truth, that's why it makes you suffer. You are just Infinitely Loving Being, that is whole, perfect and good enough, that's reality. 12 hours ago, Ampresus said: I can’t stop but look from the perspective that all teen boys and girls have loads of socializing fun and relationships, while me here just doesn’t have it. At the same time I look down on these teens, knowing their whole mind hasn’t opened a bit to the universe. It hasn’t expanded farther than their school and favorite beauty bloggers. I am lonely and it is actually killing me. I have had several suicidal thoughts and moments AND DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT. I cry a lot before I sleep. You just feel like you are alone, but actually many people feel this way. When you are depressed, it makes you feel like you are the only one in this Universe feeling this way, but in fact, there are people who feel much worse than you or similarly to you. They just all are playing this social game of looking ok, but they are actually hiding some skeletons in their wardrobes. Feel free to send me a DM, I am close to your age so I feel like I can relate how this path feels like when you are a teenager. Much love! ? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 @Jed Vassallo I can’t just pack my bags and move to another country dude. Until my eighteenth I am, according to Dutch laws, fully dependent and basically property of my parents. Sure actualized.org is fun and games. I already tried many practices of course, but if they actually did something I wouldn’t be here right now. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 @Ampresus You something that's not aligned with the Truth, what is the lie you are telling yourself about yourself? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 9 hours ago, bejapuskas said: Do you feel deep suffering, when you indulge in these activities? If you are anything like me, you probably do. Sometimes you just have to take a small break from the work and just observe how the „normal“ life feels. I finally realized how all this unconsciousness and addiction is not enjoyable at all, but for some reason this pain seems less obvious than for example putting your hand inside a fireplace, so they keep doing it. Study your emotions, they are trying to tell you the truth @bejapuskas Not gonna lie, during my orgasms I feel great. It is just that, because of Leo making me so aware, I always feel bad afterwards. I have taken many “small” breaks man. I have gone out to the park nearby, sat on a chair and watched deers for 2 hours. I went to the city centre, tried to hit on girls, failed, went to the central station and sat there for 1.5 hours. I have taken many hour-breaks in my room and balcony. I sometimes go to fun movies alone. All these breaks end up in the same way: I realize I have nothing to do, I don’t know what to do, I know I don’t have friends to call, I am done with internet, I cannot move to Canada, I am sad, I cry. 9 hours ago, bejapuskas said: You just feel like you are alone, but actually many people feel this way. When you are depressed, it makes you feel like you are the only one in this Universe feeling this way, but in fact, there are people who feel much worse than you or similarly to you. They just all are playing this social game of looking ok, but they are actually hiding some skeletons in their wardrobes. @bejapuskas It doesn’t help thinking others feel the same when I don’t know who they are let alone approach them randomly about something so deep. And what the hell can I do with the info that others have it worse? Am I supposed to forget the gaping hole in my chest now? Am I supposed to stop crying cause others have it worse? It doesn’t do shit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 3 minutes ago, bejapuskas said: You something that's not aligned with the Truth, what is the lie you are telling yourself about yourself? @bejapuskas What is the lie I am telling myself about myself? Probably that I am superior to others who are less aware, that I am better than those who literally get eaten up by simple advertisements and junk food. That I am way ahead with my intelligence compared to others and that I know a lot. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 @Ampresus Yes, all bullshit. You feel some unpleasant sensation in your body and you make up a whole story about that sensation, but it is just a feeling. That feeling is telling you, that you are lying to yourself. I need psychedelics to grow properly is another lie. (even though it can help) Do you meditate regularly? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 29 minutes ago, bejapuskas said: Do you meditate regularly? @bejapuskas I used to meditate 10 minutes every morning, but right now I am on vacation. I don’t want my mother or sister asking me the fuck I am doing every morning (they are dogmatic muslims and I never do prayers). I will start meditating when I am bored at the pool in South-West Turkey (I will be going there in around 2 weeks). I used to do self-inquiry, meditation and concentration practice, but it got way too much. I do have always procrastinated yoga, even though I hear a lot of good stuff about it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 I know absolutely sweet f all. I'm vulnerable af. Sometimes I get scared of being exposed. There isn't much to expose left but the remains still linger. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 @Ampresus Where are you on your vacation if you're willing? Can you not go by yourself to like a nearby forest to sit and meditate there? If you are really suffering, you should give it a chance @Charlotte What do you mean? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted July 23, 2019 On 15/07/2019 at 8:35 PM, Natasha said: My brain is 51% male and 49 % female (considered balanced) according to Brainfall.com. It's not a secret, just something I wouldn't normally share with people. Oh sweet im 65% male and 35% female. Coolio hoolio Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
