Radical Honesty - Share all your Secrets !

[Recursoinominado]

As a heterosexual male, i have recurring intrusive thoughts about:

-Being gay, although i THINK i am not attracted to men, which is confusing as hell, i hope i am not just repressing the shit out of this and in denial. 

-Being a pedophile, although i am NOT attracted to children and wouldn't do such a thing, i still have anxiety about it and avoid kids in general.

-Something horrible happening to me like a huge disfigurement, losing a limb, getting paralyzed, raped or something. 

-Losing my mind, getting crazy (lots of family history + deep spiritual path + weed addiction and occasional use of psychedelics + self-imposed social isolation).

-Having some kind of autism, Asperger or something due to the fact that i don't see things as normal people do, especially in a social context (i don't "get" most things and had to learn by studying and experimenting), probably started because of my self-diagnosed Complex - PTSD and social isolation most of my life (until 17 when i decided to do something about it). 

 Also:

-People pleaser, codependent, tendencies of narcissism, manipulation and anger issues.

[bejapuskas]

55 minutes ago, Recursoinominado said:

As a heterosexual male, i have recurring intrusive thoughts about:

-Being gay, although i THINK i am not attracted to men, which is confusing as hell, i hope i am not just repressing the shit out of this and in denial. 

-Being a pedophile, although i am NOT attracted to children and wouldn't do such a thing, i still have anxiety about it and avoid kids in general.

I also have those. @Consept  You were saying that you used to / still have sime issues with your orientation, how did you start to understand these better?

A question for everyone: Is sexual orientation genetic or learnt? 

[Natasha]

49 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

A question for everyone: Is sexual orientation genetic or learnt? 

I think it can be both. Depending on how one's brain's wired, hormone levels, social conditioning, early childhood trauma issues, etc.

[Recursoinominado]

1 hour ago, bejapuskas said:

I also have those. @Consept  You were saying that you used to / still have sime issues with your orientation, how did you start to understand these better?

A question for everyone: Is sexual orientation genetic or learnt? 

On Youtube you can find some videos about intrusive thoughts, it is not necessarily something to worry about, could be just some deep-rooted fear repressed, ultimately they are just thoughts, reflecting some inner neurosis.

"My fear of being X is so big that i repress the shit out of it, stuff it way down my mind and it occasionally bubbles up to the surface for some reason."

I just try to not resist them coming up, just ignore like it was nothing. Just my experience with it using the tools i learned with spiritual practices.

I have a history of being sexually abused as a child by older boys, so, this could be it.

Edited July 18, 2019 by Recursoinominado

[bejapuskas]

@Keyhole Thanks for so many examples  

Teal Swan claims, that all these weird sexual fetishes and orientations are caused by feeling of incompleteness. For example pedophiles, according to her, are people, who „killed“ their inner child, so they need to compensate that with their „partner“. Necrophilia is caused by deep fear of being rejected. I think there is definitely some truth to that.

@Recursoinominado @Natasha  I know that I used to be very resentful towards girls in the past, I thought that I've already overcome this fear, but it is possible that I haven't on a subconscious level. How do you think I could explore that more deeply? Do you think that acceptance and love is the best way to solve these kinds of problems?

[Natasha]

1 minute ago, bejapuskas said:

 

@Recursoinominado @Natasha  I know that I used to be very resentful towards girls in the past, I thought that I've already overcome this fear, but it is possible that I haven't on a subconscious level. How do you think I could explore that more deeply? Do you think that acceptance and love is the best way to solve these kinds of problems?

Resentment towards females stems out of resenting feminine part within yourself. It doesn't mean it's being gay. Everyone, whether male or female have opposite/complimentary energies within themselves. A lot of men are conditioned from childhood to suppress/reject/resent/deny their complimentary/feminine energy. Once you bring that out to your awareness and accept/embrace that part of you, the resentment towards girls will naturally dissipate.

'If Men Could Talk' by Alon Gratch is a good read if you want to explore this in more depth.

[bejapuskas]

@Natasha  Thanks Natasha, I think the hatred has become less intense, because I've basically become more feminine than most of my male friends  I'll give that book a try.  

[Consept]

3 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

I also have those. @Consept  You were saying that you used to / still have sime issues with your orientation, how did you start to understand these better?

A question for everyone: Is sexual orientation genetic or learnt? 

Nah im heterosexual so its not necessarily issues with my sexuality in that im actually gay and hate myself, its more that i have intrusive thoughts about it very similar to what @Recursoinominado mentioned. Essentially its a form of OCD that takes the theme of worrying about sexual orientation but it could just as easily be worrying youre a pedophile or youre a muderer or could be anything really. Your brain is looking for certainty and just constantly questioning everything, like 'oh that time you thought that guy was handsome' etc. Obviously i have nothing against gay people but its just not who i am which leads to the frustration of why are these intrusive thoughts there. I think it has something to do with how everyone around me when i was young hated gay people so to me it was the worst thing possible, so any thought i resisted when in reality i could have just let the thoughts flow through. I also believe if you have ocd, youre born with an ocd brain which is something you have to come to understand.

Whether sexual orientation is learnt or genetic i would say its the same thing as the nature/nuture debate you have an innate leaning, but things can happen in your life where you may change or feel free to experiment. I think its a lot to do with the society you grew up in. For example in the days of the greek spartans it was normal for the soldiers to have sex with the young recruits, no one questioned this. Whereas when and where i was growing up you would have been seen as weird or ostracised, or religious communities that literally try and change your sexuality. So definitely culture and nuture have a part to play, but we all have a gender that we can see ourselves being with sexually. For me although my mind is in the habit of worrying about it, realistically i couldnt see myself being comfortable or enjoying a relationship with the same sex

[bejapuskas]

@Consept  Ah yeah, I see what you mean. I think it's clearer now  What is an OCD brain?

[Consept]

2 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

@Consept  Ah yeah, I see what you mean. I think it's clearer now  What is an OCD brain?

Well scientists say that theres a part of your brain which gives a fear response, i think its the amegdyla, so people with an 'ocd brain' have an overactive amegdyla, which means their brain can get caught in a loop where they try and sort out a perceived 'problem' but really there is no solution except for to accept the uncertainty, so the more they try and work it out the worse the problem seems. But i also think its like most habits, so say for example i said dont look at your phone for 24 hours that would not be easy and in fact youd probably think about it, so ocd is similar to an addiction or a bad habit in that it really feels like you have to do the certain action. It is horrible and causes a lot of distress to people 

[bejapuskas]

@Consept  Thanks, I think I sometimes do that, thanks for explanation.

[kindayellow]

I am addicted to porn and masturbation and I'm afraid of what could happen as time passes as I look for darker more exciting things.

[Consept]

22 minutes ago, John Lula said:

@Keyhole Shit. And here most in society are accusing people of being pedophiles, whilst many seemingly have no control of it. That's fucked up.

Pedophile ocd is really messed up because bottom line they're not pedophiles it's just they're so scared of the idea that they could be it makes them ruminate about it and seem like it's a massive problem. I've heard of a teacher losing his job because he admitted he had this ocd which is obviously not right but I do understand why the school would do that, it's just a messed up situation. 

The conversation about actual pedophiles is an interesting one as well, obviously goes without saying its wrong to groom and abuse children. But if someone never acts on those impulses are they wrong for being attracted to kids if it is a genetic thing or even if they were abused and then became like that? Tricky subject not one for the mainstream 

[bejapuskas]

@kindayellow  Everytime you relapse, try to be mindful of your feelings and energy levels - is this what you ultimately want?

@John Lula @Consept @Keyhole  I read somewhere that 80 % of child abuse and rape is not done by pedophiles, but then, what actually makes you a pedophile? I feel like we cannot actually say where exactly is the distinction between pedophile and non-pedophile, because you cannot really say whether it is an actual disease or just one time craving... This problem of not talking it through is probably very severe, I can see like most pedophiles never act on their desires and they live somewhere alone and just suffer... Idk man.

 

[Waken]

• Sometimes a conditioning comes up of trying to be special when communicating. It's hard to get that out.
• I am insecure at times, and sometimes feel behind at some points in emotional development compared to people younger than me, that hardly even know the word spiritual.
• Haven't chased sex or girlfriends much, especially last 5 years. Never had a serious relationship, and don't have much experience in sex. There is shame and insecurity attached to it, because I feel I might not 'stand my ground' with sex.

[Psyche_92]

I used to hate the daughter of my neighbor because she was always being loud, yelling and making crazy noises.

For some reason i'm having crazy hot dreams about her all the time lately, and started getting attracted to her like mad.

Too bad she's in a relationship now .

[RobertZ]

#1: My Belief in Otherness

 I usually keep this to myself. Still, eleven years ago, I heard a person say that alterity is the ultimate truth of love.

That is my God-of-Otherness. May our relationships be like Their unknown relationships.

#2: I saw a glorious secret, but I forget what it was!

The proof of knowing that God-is-real but different-than-you-think eluded me as I tried to remember a glory I momentarily glimpsed. 

It reminded me of Anselm's argument, 'a being than which nothing greater can be conceived.' I tried to hang on to the proof, but all I could say was, "God is real, but it is not what you think."

#3 My Vision of Strange Obedience

The next secret of my life is that I once saw a vision in my imagination. I was looking at a person giving me some symbolic items, and I imagined seeing something on top of what I saw. I mean, my imagination pretended that I saw something else, and the imaginary memory replaced the real memory. In this vision, a man gave me something. He thought God wanted him to give it to me, even though the man could not understand why. 

I think, "God loves me."

#4 My Secret Amnesia:

About 4 years ago, I said to myself, "I will never be healed because of my [basically] sexless marriage." That experience of misaligned sex drives really hurt me. I thought it would change when we got married and then I did not leave her after we got married. 

Earlier today, I looked at my happy wife, my happy son, and my happy daughter--and I said, "I am very, very, very happy."

As for about what to do with a sexless marriage--no answers over here! I definitely do not have sexuality figured out, by any means. My sexuality is full of guilt. But I will say this: I can barely remember good things during my times of suffering, and I can scarcely remember sorrow during my times of bliss. And I try to remember sorrow in happiness, and I try to remember good times during misery.

Solon also says, "until [a lucky man] is dead, you had better refrain from calling him happy, and just call him fortunate."

#5 My Dreams of Anti-Personality:

Another secret of my life is that I had a series of dreams about an orange fleshy spider--that was terrifying. The spider felt eerily present even after I woke up. At the end of this series, I had a dream of being among cannibals. The outcome of this cannibal dream bifurcated.

Well, nearly 499 years have passed years since Tenochtitlan and the genocide that ended government-imposed cannibalism in North America. By contrast with those psychological projections, I have another secret:  I had a dream about a demon. The demon was like a floating ball or a small tornado of lightning. That demon might believe that God is one, but its awareness was more like an anti-personality. I was hugging my knees and rocking on my heels and bum a week later.

#6 My Secret Role-Model:

About 483 years ago, Martin Ocelotl got punished for healing broken bones and infected bodies. Ocelotl did not tell his secrets too soon. He bided his time. Ocelotl's glory, including vast riches and property, gradually emerged during his "humiliation." Don Carlos got so mad about the ordeal that he started ranting, "Eat, drink, and have sex with your neighbour's wife, for tomorrow we die: that is the orthodox doctrine that we received." So the Inquisition burnt Carlos, but they only whipped Ocelotl and gave him three years in a mine for doing what he thought was right.

[bejapuskas]

@RobertZ  I love how you say „about“, but then you use a rather specific time span, like 483 years. It's like you know it for certain  

[Raphael]

@Apparation of Jack I'm actually very honest with myself on my vulnerabilities.

Some of the things I mentioned are not as bad as they seem, for example, "I think I'm smarter and superior to other people" and "I always want to be right". That's because most of the time before saying something I try to see the problem from many different angles and I usually take a lot of time before coming with an answer as I analyze everything first, where most people don't do it. I just had an experience recently at work where I took more than 2 hours on a problem before giving an answer and another guy didn't even take the time to think through it and just assume he's right. So in the end, I'm actually right most of the time and of course, I can turn this statement into an egoic behavior, which is dangerous.

[electroBeam]

I have a problem with opening up my feminine side. I want to love and be loved and show empathy to people, but I can't because it makes me feel too vulnerable and I feel like people will think I'm weak.