RobertZ

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  1. Sorry to hear that some traumatic memories came up for you, and your negative feelings, like confusion. In an extremely disturbing* book called Secret Doors, Hidden Rooms, Klara Kali points that traumatic experiences can cause dissociative memory splits. The book gives the example of a holograms. Sometimes, when a there is a crack in a hologram, both sides of the holograph show the whole image—but from reduced perspectives (at p 63). Similarity, a traumatic experience can cause reduced perspectives on memories. One of the common side-effects of traumatic experiences is that that emotions attached to the memories may be temporally disassociated ; so, some strong negative feelings (e.g., terror, pain, or confusion) feel generalized and disconnected in time—feeling like, ‘forever.’ Some people find that parallel processing—simple, physical, and repetitive activities—help to process emotions that are not closely delineated to an event (i.e., like general awareness of confusion) (Kaspian, Pheonix, MDMA Solo (The Castelia Foundation: Psychedelic University Press, 2020), 75). For example, painting a wall in a room, or going for a walk, with the intention of reflecting on the generalized emotion, are physical, simple, and repetitive activities. Reading a book, by contrast, is not simple. In addressing subconscious materials, parts of ourselves can feel angry that the material ever came up (e.g., angry at taking mushrooms). Only you alone can enter into a dialogue with those parts of yourself that may be upset that you are dealing with these painful memories and emotions (i.e., instead of keeping them hidden). I suggest approaching those parts of your mind. Listen to those perspectives, acknowledge them, and explain where you are at now in your life. Maybe now is the right time for other parts of yourself to think about these difficult memories and feelings, to address them in new ways. For example, forgetting about the events and feelings was very helpful for you. Also, your circumstances have changed since the events. Maybe now you can free up a lot of energy by processing these materials. Much love. --- * Details practices of the ritual torture of children to program their minds.
  2. You say that in the past you did not commit in your heart—but in the past, did you make a promise to the boss and break that promise? Or, did you simply not meet the boss’ expectations in the past? If you simply did not meet expectations, you could try acknowledging those mistakes and explain that you are resolved not repeat those mistakes, but improve. If you made promises in the past and didn’t keep them then talk is cheap. You might have to earn some trust back—maybe a probationary period or service?
  3. The word, “Ego” has several different meanings—so it is ambiguous. Ego can mean an inflated self-worth like, “That guy has a real ego.” Ego can mean self-esteem like, “I lied to my wife, so my ego is hurting.” Ego can also mean the conscious-thinking self. Ego can mean the same as the word “I,” or self, like “I am going to the store.” Some people interpret the word, “ego” with the No-Self doctrines like, “A person already has no ego: therefore, they experience that their experience [of a self] is an illusion.” Some people also describe a feeling of dying on psychedelic drugs as an “ego death.” Afterlife experiences may follow. Freud said that the ego is a set of mental functions including delayed gratification, reality testing, memory, planning, and information synthesis (Snowden, Ruth (2006). Teach Yourself Freud. McGraw-Hill. pp. 105–107). He explains that the ego is the part of the psyche that can acknowledge reality while pleasing the body’s instinctual desires and needs for satisfaction. Want to run through Down Town naked—wild and free? The ego might say, “But consider reality. How about a nudist beach, instead?” So, the ego has the ability to perceive reality (both conscious and subconscious perception) and executively fulfill the body’s needs with a view to long-term benefits. In this view, conscious awareness resides inside of the ego. Ego defence mechanisms allow a person to ignore reality to some extent, to fulfill needs or desires. To become united with one’s ego (in order to feel oneness) a person may do the following two-part exercise. (1) The person feels (deeply) into what he or she desires or needs. (2) The person then takes a good hard look at their reality. By doing this exercise, a person can experience their ego. I’m not versed on dissociative hallucinogens like PCP and ketamine. These drugs might have a role, if your goal is experiencing oneness though an ego-separation.
  4. I had a year or two when my crappy sleep got out-of-control, with sleep terrors. Regrettably, I suffered without proper sleep medicine (I probably put off seeing a doctor because of some ignorant childhood indoctrination about the evils of sleeping drugs). Anyway, I sometimes self-medicated with ~75 mg benedryl, which gave me some inflammation relief. Turns out, I had hypothyroidism. I treated that condition and started falling asleep in 5 or 10 minutes from when my head hit the pillow. Some of the other things that helped me were Magnesium Glycinaye, zink, and slow release melatonin. You also mention a difficulty looking inward, in life. In PTSD therapy, there is a common problem where accessing subconscious material can trigger a lymbic reaction, such that recalling the subconscious material compounds the person’s neural and psychic injury. If you have an aversion to sleep, your mind might be protecting you from certain subconscious material. The mind is a self-healing system, and only sometimes forms unhelpful defences. So-called “superficial solutions” may be completely legitimate while the self-healing process occurs. Brainstorming some options (these are not recommendations, but just possible options): How long do you think it will take for your sleep to improve (state the first number that comes to mind)? Then, use your sleeping medicine for that duration. Increased consciousness is literally preventing you from sleeping. Blast open your subconscious with drugs. MDMA would probably be the most self-loving path to explore any difficult material because it reduces any potential retraumatization by calming the amygdala. Meet a hormone optimization physician. Health parameter awareness requires blood work. If you find a physiological risk factor (hormone decline is well associated with a lower quality of life and an early death), then lifestyle factors (like diet) might help to an extent. Any stimulants? Stick to stimulants with a short half life, like Phenylpiracetam. Caffiene has a six-hour half life. So, if you have a large Starbucks coffee at 2:00 pm (270 mg of caffeine), you still have 135 mg of caffeine in your system at 8:00 pm, and 67 mg at 2:00 am. Taking large Starbucks at 2:00 pm is like having a small McDonalds coffee (100 mg of caffeine) at Midnight.
  5. I enjoyed reading PhD dissertations. You can find tons of them free on online library databases (ProQuest) if you’re in university. I like psychology dissertations. For many older publications, if you get the DOI number (eg from Google Scholar) many of them are free if you paste the DOI into http://Sci-hub.se
  6. Not directly about the ‘man’ part—but about the ‘strong’ part: One thing that helped me gain a lot of weight was using an app called “Strong.” It’s a very simple app that records weights and reps, for weight lifting. It’s a paid app—but I could not find anything as functional for free. “HeavySet” is okay and free—but you’ll see the difference immediately. I did years of lifting every second day—just going really “hard” every time. However, lifting by feeling is tricky. The mind simply forgets—anything can feel hard. The app helped me to be objective about my workouts. Start very gradually—pretty much any lifting will cause hypertrophy early on. Gradually add weight when hitting 11-12 reps and lower weight if hitting 5 to 7 reps. Keep the weight the same if hitting 10 reps. Generally, aim for 8 to 12 reps to gain muscle weight. Focus on bar lifts: bench, row, squat, dead, overhead, pull-ups. Eat lots of food that you, personally, can digest well. Building physical strength built up my mental strength.
  7. You have a comprehensive list here! Business coach or manager to Business Consultant may use diverse fields such as education (teaching), psychology, coaching, law, philosophy, mathematics, or ethics/religious studies. These in addition to business administration skills (eg., HR, accounting, economics, tech management, marketing, decision modelling [advanced Excel], etc.). My thoughts about interdisciplinary work: Often, work teams are interdisciplinary. As an interdisciplinary individual, however, a person offers the ability to communicate and interpret between discrete fields. The predecessors of universities broke off from one another (philosophy, theology, medicine, and law) in the late Middle Ages, if I remember correctly. Universities decided that these fields of knowledge were sufficiently distinct and independent that they had to be taught in separate institutions [and ne’r shall they mix?]. This separation of fields of knowledge is surprisingly complete. There are some bridges—I would say mostly with medicine, like medicine and law, medicine and business, medicine and ethical philosophy, and so on. People often tout the advantages of specialization. Many people spend their life digging very deep into a narrow field. ‘Specialize, specialize, specialize—find your niche, create great value; this way brings success; and don’t be a Jack of all trades and master of none,’ many people recommend. I use the image of tunnels into the ground to represent specialization in fields of knowledge. More gems dwell deep in the ground. A person might look at this situation and realize—“Shit. I will never be the leading researcher in radiological oncology or 16th century art. But if I can go meaningfully deep into multiple fields, I can dig horizontal between multiple tunnels. This interconnection means communicating ideas, social networks, and other kinds of resources between people with very different kinds of interests. Marketing the value of religious studies to a construction business owner? “Go preach in a church.” Many people don’t even see the value of hiring a lawyer for an administrative position. “The only skill lawyers have is practicing law.” The problem of interdisciplinary studies is quite deep. First, the usefulness of one field of knowledge in another field is not always obvious. You might suppose that a masters degree in English literature is useful for a journalist job? After all—the master can write, right? Maybe hardly anything from English transfers over to journalism. Dental offices are getting along very well hiring dentists and medical office assistants, thank you very much. I suspect that an interdisciplinary individual is a LONG term proposal. Skills from one field may not transfer over to the other field for many years. Not only does an interdisciplinary individual have to spend many years of study in each field, it may also take years for the competencies and value-added to connect.
  8. Healthy Boundaries I don't know a lot about boundary setting. I would Google terms like, 'setting boundaries,' and 'setting boundaries excessive contact,' 'setting boundaries too many texts,' and 'setting boundaries too many phone calls parents.' Also, I don't know the nature of your communications. For example, maybe you could consider whether the conversations otherwise pleasant--like philosophy, banter, and talking about life events--and the only issue is frequency? Or, are the communications a little more toxic, like gossip, blaming politicians, telling you what to do and what not to do, and so on? This consideration of the nature of the communications may help you to decide if you really want to become more intertwined with your Dad through financial dependency. An employment relationship may add an additional layer of subservience, despite the father-child relationship--which might be beneficial (mutual trust and more money in both of your pockets), or cause problems like manipulative affection and excessive discipline (you are not a child). For example, if your dad already makes passive aggressive comments telling you what to do and what not to do with your life, then an employment relationshp might tempt you to dishonour him. Asserting independence vis a vis parents, and earning respect for one's differing opinions or lifestyle is not easy and may take many years. Here is a technique you might want to use: Step 1: Brainstorming Brainstorm some options and write them down. For example maybe write down, Option 1 - Ignoring texts / not taking phone calls, except 1 x per day or 1x every two days. (Act like it's no big deal when he asks why you did not answer immediately. If he presses, do Option 2 (below). Option 2 - Having a phone conversation and ask him if you can have conversations with him just two or 3 times a week. 'Can we talk two or three times a week [instead of two or three times a day]?' Try to come up with 1 or 2 more options. You should have at least 3 options. Doing nothing is not a good option. If you feel that 'Doing nothing' is a good option--then still come up with at least 4 options. Step 2: Analysis Write down a number of benefits (+) and negatives (-) for each option. For example, one positive of ignoring texts and phone calls might be, 'May have a bit of success in reducing contact over time.' A negative might be, 'Dad might feel that I am unresponsive or irresponsible.' Take a step back (go for a walk or something), and then review what you wrote. Make a decision. Consider timing but don't put it off forever.
  9. Journaling is excellent. You are probably thinking about stuff all the time. It is surprising what comes out in journaling--journaling might sound 'boring,' like, 'what would I write about anyway?' But what comes out rarely fails to surprise me. Journaling can help with awareness of what is on-mind. Awareness of one's thoughts may assist with concentration.
  10. Hi @AndylizedAAY, The questions, "when to watch" and "watch his content too often?" brings to my mind time spent on a task in light of a person's values (which also ties into motivation or interest). A couple of strategies people use to analyze their time on tasks are (a) task lists and (b) daily routines. Both of these strategies involve decisions about what a person 'should' or 'must' do. Task lists involve writing down everything a person 'has to do' (on paper or in a journal). [Write a little square beside each task, and check the square when the task is complete.] The nice thing about a task list is getting tons of things accomplished. Some people recommend biting into life by starting with the most difficult task—but finishing small tasks can generate momentum. For example, you might write 'to-do lists' a couple of days per week; and after a month or so, realize that you want to put "watching one of Leo's videos" on one of your daily lists. "To-Do Lists" gradually assists with value prioritization, mainly on a subconscious level, in the tasks a person chooses to list.* Daily routines involve "blocking off" times each day or week to do certain kinds of activities. Routines are what you make of them--with discipline, adaptation, and experimentation, routines can be effective and powerful. For example, at such a time each day, a person wakes up, has breakfast, works, relaxes, learns, does self-development activities, cooks, cleans, and so on.** For example, by formalizing a daily routine, a person might block out 25 minutes a day for some kind of self-improvement activity—and commit to this 25 minutes every day. One day—after a few weeks of meditating, or reading, or journaling, you might say, "So what am I going to do with today's 25 minutes?" Then you might decide watch 25 minutes of one of Leo's videos. Then, you can decide whether you want to continue with the video the following day during the "self-improvement" time-block. ---- * One of the weaknesses of task lists is that days and weeks sometimes pass, where the task list sits in a drawer--unused. A person might 'forget' about the task list as a way to put the tasks off--because of worry that the tasks might be difficult. We might have a sneaking suspicion that we can ignore the "to do" items without too much consequence. In fact, there might not be any consequences for ignoring a given task. However, a person might ignore the whole list because they need a break, or more fundamental aspects of life require attention. For example, if a person feels tired and overwhelmed every day--they may have a motivation-obstruction. ** Routines can also be challenging--for example, stopping a fun activity or breaking up a very productive activity because "it is time" for the next activity. On the other hand, there are benefits to limiting activities to set times—like training oneself to work more efficiently next time. Finding the balance between flexibility and commitment to various aspects of life is a juggling act.
  11. Sorry, I can't make an assessment and I don't know what a jhana is. However, some clinical work talks about "spiritual emergencies" or "spiritual emergences." These experiences are often misdiagnosed as mental disorders, and suppressed. For example, there was one experiment in an acute psychiatric hospital, on a couple dozen psychiatric patients (or so): one group was treated as normal (drugs and therapy suppressed their unusual symptoms), and the other group was allowed to fully express their unusual behaviour [i.e., whether a spiritual emergency or an acute mental disorder like psychosis or disassociation). They were allowed to fully exhibit their strange behaviour in a safe and supportive environment. The group who was allowed to "go through" their mental process without suppression fared better. This study suggested that allowing a psychic emergency to proceed through its natural course may lead to better psychological outcomes. I am not suggesting that you ignore the possibility that you might have a health issue--like a stroke or something. Definitely, you would want to treat issue like a stroke ASAP; and if dysfunctional symptoms persist--definitely, seek professional assistance. Spiritual exercises can also cause unusual experiences--and unusual experiences do not always indicate a health problem. Allowing acute emergencies to run their course may be more beneficial than suppress the symptoms. The mind is a self-healing entity. Sometimes, the mind exhibits unusual symptoms as part of its self-healing process. So, I would rule out dangerous health conditions and address dysfunctional issues that persist. If you have a safe place to "go through" a spiritual emergence, then that process might also benefit you. Sorry, I don't have a diagnosis. All the best!
  12. I have sometimes had trouble keeping track of time while meditating (hence the alarm clock); but I experienced time dilation more often on psychedelics. I'm not sure if that answer helps.
  13. Yes, for cutting a blotter, I sometimes use a (sharp) razor blade / exacto knife on a piece of cardboard, like a non-corrogated food box or a cutting board. Tweezers might be helpful to hold one end down--or try to use a finger (nail) to hold one side down. Alternatively, I use scissors--but one side ends up being bigger than the other. In general, I find slightly smaller doses (like 1/8 of a blotter) work better for functional microdosing. I have a "good day" when I take a smaller dose, because I am able to concentrate on my daily tasks. When I take larger doses (e.g., 1/4 or 1/5 of a blotter), I get quite distracted and seek amusements or entertainment, or spend hours writing philosophical asides.
  14. I looked for local psychedelic groups on facebook, and joined in. I met several therapists in these groups.
  15. In my limited experience and from some research, go in waves. In a session of say 25 minutes, go in phases, with calmer more meditative moments like poetry, mantras, abstract prayers; then shift into a more gradual confrontation and adjuration for a time. Then back off, and go back into the calmer approach, then go back into the commands to leave. Don't address the entities directly, in the second person, "You." Don't try to engage directly in dialogue with them. Rather, the commands / adjurations should be in the 3rd person, like, "In the name of love I command the entities to leave. In the name of consciousness, I command them to leave." This indirect approach is because some entities are more intelligent and powerful. My thoughts.