kieranperez

Visceral Fear (to the point of vomiting and tears) & Wanting To Give Up

17 posts in this topic

I feel like these problems never stop adding on and I’m tired of making these posts, not having anyone in my life around me to talk to for support and to stop moralizing and projecting onto me...

On top of all the posts I’ve made, I just found out 2 days ago now that I’m trying to move out from home that I’m about $20-25,000 in debt (and I didn’t even go to college). This isn’t from credit cards as I’ve never even had a credit card. I had a surgery 4 + years ago that my parents told me they took care of but apparently never did. That surgery alone is about $12,000 in medical bills. I felt such a flight/fight response I got headsick on the quiet street I was on and went to a bush and puked. Then I found out looking through my mail that I owe another $11,000+ in bridge tolls when I was told by my dad he covered me under Fast attack (just a bridge toll service here in SF) and apparently that never happened so. I literally had a panic attack by myself. I called a financial planner and was told after everything that this is probably going to take me 8 years to pay off if I have to pay it off on my own. My heart sank and I honestly just felt like ending it right there. I cannot believe any of this. How does all of this shit never end?!?! It’s not bad enough I’ve been moralized to my entire life and how I never learned to trust myself and make my own decisions, how I never had a stable childhood and had family problems no one at my school or friends could ever relate to because they didn’t have a mom who caused commotion throughout the whole town trying to kill herself most days of the week, having parents who I realized recently don’t actually love me and accept me, having this fucking ego whose tentacles reach into every crevasse of my authentic self which is based on other people’s projections of me, that my life purpose is so inspiring it’s demoralizing because its impossible (it’s pretty much what Shunyamurti has at Sat Yoga in Costa Rica but something different), that I have no friends, that I have no work ethic anymore because every time I’ve ever failed someone had to be in my face and yell at me for what I did wrong, etc. and now I’m $25k in debt?!?!

It’s not even the circumstances that have me most upset. It’s my mind. I have this screaming voice 24/7 all day driving me crazy based on projections. I feel like my mind is falling apart. I’m so fucking angry and so hurt and so demoralized. I dont even want to be in society and now I feel like a fucking slave because I am. I want to do what the people I’m most inspired by do like @Leo Gura, Ralston, Shunyamurti, and Om Swami. I want to really leave society and then return and start something like Sat Yoga but maybe smaller which is truly inspiring to me and is like “yes! That’s a model of what I want to offer!” However, I also feel terror and such a deep depression when I come back down from fantasy land that I honesty feel like shooting myself because I look at what’s around me (the shit in my head, my beliefs, this fucking ego that represents all the projections of others that I get sucked into and feels like me and holds me where I’m at, all the petty fucking people around me who project onto me because they think they know better and have it all figured out, etc.) and I feel like this is truly impossible and that I’m just going to waste my life. I prayed in tears yesterday for the first time in my life begging for help. I can’t afford professional help to help me in business, to take courses, to learn all this shit or to get the neurofeedback to help me with this horrendous ADHD that keeps causing a lot of these issues. I feel like I’m going to be sheep the rest of my life and I’d rather be dead than be a slave to the pettiness, this unconscious hedonism that doesn’t satisfy anything or deliever anything fucking real. A sheep life is a wasted life and I don’t want to live and die with that feeling knowing I wasted this. This has been building for more than 10+ years and just seems to get worse every single day. I don’t even know what love feels like in order to give it to myself anymore. 

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@kieranperez why don't you talk to your parents and try to come up with a plan to pay the debt?

after you pay the debt, consider yourself free to go live in a monastery for a year or so, without ever needing to look behind your shoulders.

that's what i would do.


unborn Truth

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@kieranperez I am sorry that you have been dealt such a rough hand.

I would do the following:

Lie down, close your eyes, put headphones on and listen to the following: 

 

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@ajasatya my dad would have to be the one that would have to help me and he said he can’t help me and he hasn’t even been able to pay taxes since 2007 or 2008 because he wasn’t able to keep up with my moms spending. Which jsnuatbanother way of saying he has bigger fish to fry than help a son who he believes is going to work minimum wage the rest of his life. My mom is virtually psychotic and is so traumatized from a family dysfunctionaluth and her upbringing that I’m not going to get help from her. I also don’t plan on joining a monastic orthodox order. 

@Rilles thanks.

@Shroomdoctor love doesn’t solve my debt and the fact that I’m fucked and have no help and have a fucked up mind. Thanks anyways.

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It doersnt solve it. I know the feels man. Im depressed and suicidal as fuck atm. And I don't have it nearly as bad as you.

But...when I lie down and listen to that, I can forgive myself for a few minutes. I can love myself. And I think out of this love something might blossom.  

 

1 hour ago, kieranperez said:

It’s not even the circumstances that have me most upset. It’s my mind. I have this screaming voice 24/7 all day driving me crazy based on projections. I feel like my mind is falling apart. I’m so fucking angry and so hurt and so demoralize

With THIS Love will help. 

 

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@kieranperez I feel you man.. This is really awful.

If I was in your situation I would try the following:  

  • Distance myself from all the negativity. Leaving my parent's house and minimizing my contact with family and friends all together. 
  • Find a stable job where I can quietly work long term. Doesn't matter how much it pays or if it's not very meaningful work. As long as I can do it while working on myself on my own time.
  • Commit to save a certain amount every month. This money can go towards the dept.
  • Working on myself and specifically focusing on Meditation. No contemplation or other fancy techniques, just sitting and doing nothing. Not forcing myself to sit the longest, but simply committing to it every day (15min - 45min). After a while, the Monkey mind will calm down significantly.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but all the negativity will pass with time. It always does, no matter how deep the depression is or what the circumstances are. You just have to do whatever you are doing and let and the time do its job. You will either outgrow the situation or your attitude towards it will change altogether. Looking back, you will always say that this was the time you grew the most.


"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

 

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@Arthur gave some good advice.

Your lifestyle may have to change temporarily, but it’s not the end of days. With time, you can come back from this stronger than ever and then I imagine you having one hell of a story to tell.

Are you currently employed? Full time?


"Move and the way will open."
– Zen Proverb

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Sorry to hear what you're going through man. I can relate to your troubles, the panic, and the overwhelm. Life can be really hard at times. In times like these it's an opportunity to learn how to prioritize, be patient, and resilient. The thing I learned from my breakdown was that change, both internal and external, happens really slowly. In tough times it can feel like you're sinking in quicksand, and you are in a sense. As with quicksand, the way out is to move slowly and steadily. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it's hard work, and again, patience. The key is to learn to balance acceptance with commitment. Accept yourself and your situation, like if you were in quicksand, but resolve to push through at a steady. You will fall down, but do get back. Resilience is everything in these types of situations. Hang in there bud.

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1 hour ago, zenjen said:

With time, you can come back from this stronger than ever and then I imagine you having one hell of a story to tell.

I don’t know why people keep saying this. Thank you.

1 hour ago, zenjen said:

Are you currently employed? Full time?

Yes I’m employed. Full time, no. If it was any other city than San Francisco I feel like this would be way more doable to move especially if I still had my car. I’m probably going to have to stay in SF because I wouldn’t have any other means of moving somewhere outside of SF plus that would probably take a lot longer and my dad (and I) wants me out now. SF is like $1100 for a tiny room in most cases (and that’s cheap). I can probably find one of those liberal communal houses they have here but honestly a lot of them are borderline stage green cults but I’ll look I guess. Im just discouraged cause if I did move I’m afraid im going to have to have to live in some horrible area where I’m even more stuck, have to somehow come up with some way to escape being a wage slave and all this shit.

Thanks @Arthur

To be as clear as I can on what my vision is (which is hard to describe I mostly just go by examples of others to give an idea): To start, my vision is not joining an orthodox monastery and joining another pyramid. At the end of the day I want renounce. If you’ve read the story of Om Swami that’s pretty much exactly what I want in the end. I have no interest in joining some religious order. God (or whatever word we want to use) is all I want and I want to go deep and rid myself of everything that I think that I am. I want to be free of these beliefs and want to go to the core of what all of this and permeate me completely. That really is my ultimate goal. I want my impact t on the world to come from that place. I want to raise human consciousness, awaken people yes but I also want to share wisdom, Truth, deep insights, help people with their shit and also help people achieve their highest physical potential as well as their psychological, spiritual, and intellectual potential. Again, a perfect example of this is Shunyamurti and his work at Sat Yoga. However, something like that takes extrodinary leadership, mastery, wisdom, know-how, etc. 

This is the more difficult path but it’s what I want which is both inspiring, terrifying, totally confusing, etc. The easier thing to do would yeah, just join some monastery and do that whole thing. It’s much easier to be a follower in a sense. However I also have psychological issues (for those that haven’t guessed yet) and spirituality can sometimes make certain psychological issues worse in certain ways. As Basho said, I don’t want to follow the footsteps of the wise masters. I want to seek and attain what they sought and then make that my gift and impact. But again that takes that withdrawal. Which is what’s confusing because it’s like “what do I do until that time? Even then, how is this renunciation even going to take place?” And so on and so forth. I’ve thought about starting a YouTube channel but I know I’m going to renounce anyways. I mean, this part is crystal clear in my mind so it’s like “why would I start something I’m going to abandon anyways?”

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The problem is the human mind is creating its outlook based on experiences. You have many more possibilities than you can imagine, but you only know what you know. You know what you have experienced previously and your brain is calculating a probable future based on your past. However with taking action the outlook can totally change.. you bring new experiences into play which means you are opening up more possibilities for your brain. There is no way you can come up with a complete life strategy in advance..

If you have read Psychodynamics; it's important to know what your goal is, but how you get there will be taken care of step by step.. there is no way to figure it out beforehand, it will fall into place by itself. The only thing you have to do is create motion into the right direction. Think of one single step you can implement which goes into the right direction and slowly build it up from there. 

Edited by Pilgrim

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@kieranperez Do not commit suicide. Whatever you do, don't end it

Your mind keeps telling you that there are no possibilities left, but there are many many, you just have to contemplate a little bit.

  • You can come here to Sweden! The borders are wide open! Learn to speak the basic language and it won't be hard to get a job. You will even get money for studying. Work here, start a new life and use the money to pay your debts abroad
  • You can make yourself vanish without a trace, and in 5 years the court will think you died and your debts will go down that hole as well
  • You can go to that monastery
  • You can travel the world without spending a single penny  

You can do many many many things. You can fulfill your life purpose in many ways man, just don't end it.

Don't make suicide an option, make something else replace that option, like "fuck man, it's so damn hard. I just wanna escape this fucking country by boat"

You can solve your problems in the country you are in, you can do something about it, you can solve your situation anyhow! Don't make suicide an option.

I just wanted to say this, but im in no position to speak out of my experience. But if I were you, I would seriously consider my options

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On 12/11/2018 at 10:06 AM, kieranperez said:

I feel like these problems never stop adding on and I’m tired of making these posts, not having anyone in my life around me to talk to for support and to stop moralizing and projecting onto me...

On top of all the posts I’ve made, I just found out 2 days ago now that I’m trying to move out from home that I’m about $20-25,000 in debt (and I didn’t even go to college). This isn’t from credit cards as I’ve never even had a credit card. I had a surgery 4 + years ago that my parents told me they took care of but apparently never did. That surgery alone is about $12,000 in medical bills. I felt such a flight/fight response I got headsick on the quiet street I was on and went to a bush and puked. Then I found out looking through my mail that I owe another $11,000+ in bridge tolls when I was told by my dad he covered me under Fast attack (just a bridge toll service here in SF) and apparently that never happened so. I literally had a panic attack by myself. I called a financial planner and was told after everything that this is probably going to take me 8 years to pay off if I have to pay it off on my own. My heart sank and I honestly just felt like ending it right there. I cannot believe any of this. How does all of this shit never end?!?! It’s not bad enough I’ve been moralized to my entire life and how I never learned to trust myself and make my own decisions, how I never had a stable childhood and had family problems no one at my school or friends could ever relate to because they didn’t have a mom who caused commotion throughout the whole town trying to kill herself most days of the week, having parents who I realized recently don’t actually love me and accept me, having this fucking ego whose tentacles reach into every crevasse of my authentic self which is based on other people’s projections of me, that my life purpose is so inspiring it’s demoralizing because its impossible (it’s pretty much what Shunyamurti has at Sat Yoga in Costa Rica but something different), that I have no friends, that I have no work ethic anymore because every time I’ve ever failed someone had to be in my face and yell at me for what I did wrong, etc. and now I’m $25k in debt?!?!

It’s not even the circumstances that have me most upset. It’s my mind. I have this screaming voice 24/7 all day driving me crazy based on projections. I feel like my mind is falling apart. I’m so fucking angry and so hurt and so demoralized. I dont even want to be in society and now I feel like a fucking slave because I am. I want to do what the people I’m most inspired by do like @Leo Gura, Ralston, Shunyamurti, and Om Swami. I want to really leave society and then return and start something like Sat Yoga but maybe smaller which is truly inspiring to me and is like “yes! That’s a model of what I want to offer!” However, I also feel terror and such a deep depression when I come back down from fantasy land that I honesty feel like shooting myself because I look at what’s around me (the shit in my head, my beliefs, this fucking ego that represents all the projections of others that I get sucked into and feels like me and holds me where I’m at, all the petty fucking people around me who project onto me because they think they know better and have it all figured out, etc.) and I feel like this is truly impossible and that I’m just going to waste my life. I prayed in tears yesterday for the first time in my life begging for help. I can’t afford professional help to help me in business, to take courses, to learn all this shit or to get the neurofeedback to help me with this horrendous ADHD that keeps causing a lot of these issues. I feel like I’m going to be sheep the rest of my life and I’d rather be dead than be a slave to the pettiness, this unconscious hedonism that doesn’t satisfy anything or deliever anything fucking real. A sheep life is a wasted life and I don’t want to live and die with that feeling knowing I wasted this. This has been building for more than 10+ years and just seems to get worse every single day. I don’t even know what love feels like in order to give it to myself anymore. 

Go see a bankruptcy attorney and start over.

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Give UP!

Embrace Down.


... 7 rabbits will live forever.                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

 

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Most college graduates would laugh at your 25k debt. Most  household today probably would love to trade your debt with theirs. Does that make you feel better?

 

 

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UIC med school is 97k/year 

 

Lol 

(not to diminish your problem, just thot it was funny)

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