How to face loneliness?

[TheGod]

It’s very clear to me that all my life I’ve been running away from loneliness. I think 99.99% of the people do it as well. All activities that we do as humans are just distractions, even the most elaborated ones like pursuing your life purpose or going on retreats with other people. Everything is designed to keep you away from loneliness. 
But what is it that we are running from actually ? Today, when I was walking in the park in the late evening with no soul around me I tried to feel deeply how it feels and it didn’t feel good. The way it feels to me is like scary emptiness and numbness covered in overwhelming craving for companionship or distraction. 
It recently hit me that my life purpose is to face loneliness, the rest is just a distraction from this main thing.

The question is what it takes to actually face it and get completely comfy with it ?

It’s also very clear to me that most of enlightened gurus haven’t transcended this, otherwise why would they be teaching ? 
 

[Ramasta9]

What we call loneliness is really just the mind reacting to emptiness. When there’s nothing to distract it, it panics, it feels like something’s missing, but if you stay with that feeling long enough, without trying to escape or fix it, it starts to change. You begin to notice that underneath the ache is just being itself, quiet, peaceful, whole. 

Facing loneliness means letting yourself fully feel it, without judgment. Not trying to get “comfortable,” but allowing it to be there until the part of you that resists it softens. In time, what felt like emptiness starts to feel like spaciousness, the same stillness that all the great teachers point to.

As for enlightened teachers, that’s an astute observation. Some teach because the impulse of life moves through them that way, not from loneliness but from fullness. Others may still be human, still integrating... enlightenment doesn’t always erase human texture.

Blessings 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Are you wanting others - or simply distraction, entertainment?

I have rarely felt lonely throughout my life.

When I experience a situation as you describe: alone, walking in late evening - I never feel alone. I never feel empty or 'not good'. I feel completely immersed in the experience of reality. The warm spring air, the new grass and flowers. The colours of the sunset as beams stretch out to touch the horizon. The soft birdsong and tinkle of the river. 

There is so much in our experience - how rich it is. I don't want to miss it.

I cannot feel alone with all of this beauty surrounding me. 

Nothing lasts, so I cherish the moment....

Are you distracted from noticing all within your experience?

[Leo Gura]

Just be alone and enjoy it. Notice that nothing is wrong or missing.

You literally need no one and nothing.

There is a lot of culture programming you need to undo in order to realize you are just fine alone.

You are not going to overcome it without spending weeks and months all alone doing nothing. That's what solo meditation retreats are for.

Really Awakening is necessary because without Awakening you haven't conquered boredom. Awakening is about boredom killing the ego.

Realistically it will requires spending years sitting alone. This is not a small task you accomplish in a few weekends.

I can go months without talking to humans.

Edited yesterday at 08:38 AM by Leo Gura

[bazera]

@Leo Gura

Quote

I can go months without talking to humans.

Including talking via internet? Like this forum, youtube comments, social media, messengers, etc?

I was under the illusion myself that I liked being alone, but the it hit me that when I'm physicall alone (since I live alone and work from home), I'm constantly connected to dozens of people through group chats / forums / etc. And that actually being alone is really painful and I'm constantly distracting myself.

I think you meant removing all that shit, right? Just yourself and your mind.

Edited yesterday at 09:23 AM by bazera

[Lyubov]

What Leo said is correct, and is really the culmination for all painful emotions and experiences where you’re not as one. I think some people each have a different story and all of our lives are different so there may be some different story or painful experience but it culminates in the same thing. You are spiritually valuable whole and one as you are. The human / ego / inner child side really needs shepherding, this is where yin and yang come in. You are gentle, loving and accepting of your human side who believes it needs people’s attention and approval to be whole, that’s fine. We accept that and recognize that aspect of human life. We then focus our energy beyond it towards that which is always whole here and now and will never leave you or change (unlike people who do come and go). There will be this natural flow and recognition where you start to align with what’s true and feel at peace. Keep in mind  this isn’t a race and doesn’t have to be forced. It’s little by little each day with no timeline or finish line. I myself am still working on this amongst the plethora of other beliefs I have. A lot of mine circle around me being a “bad person” due to disapproval from my parents and beliefs that I can’t cope with the changes in the world and not being good enough because of this. The thing is that we live in modern society with responsibilities that offer us each a unique path back home. Trust the natural unfolding with your uniqueness.

[UnbornTao]

Quote

Do you know what loneliness means? Some of you may be unfamiliar with that word, but you know the feeling very well. You try going out for a walk alone, or being without a book, without someone to talk to, and you will see how quickly you get bored. You know that feeling well enough, but you don't know why you get bored, you have never inquired into it. If you inquire a little into boredom you will find that the cause of it is loneliness. It is in order to escape from loneliness that we want to be together, we want to be entertained, to have distractions of every kind: gurus, religious ceremonies, prayers, or the latest novels. Being inwardly lonely we become mere spectators in life; and we can be the players only when we understand loneliness and go beyond it.

After all, most people marry and seek other social relationships because they don't know how to live alone. Not that one must live alone; but, if you marry because you want to be loved, or if you are bored and use your job as a means of forgetting yourself, then you will find that your whole life is nothing but an endless search for distractions. Very few go beyond this extraordinary fear of loneliness; but one must go beyond it, because beyond it lies the real treasure.

- J. Krishnamurti

Edited 23 hours ago by UnbornTao

[bazera]

@Leo Gura

Quote

Really Awakening is necessary because without Awakening you haven't conquered boredom

With Awakening here, do you mean some crazy levels of consciousness you tend to talk about lately?

Or some enlightenment experiences (ones you had years ago) would do?

You talk about the spectrum of Awakening and degrees of it, so can boredom be dealt with if one has milder version of Awakening?

[UnbornTao]

14 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Are you wanting others - or simply distraction, entertainment?

I have rarely felt lonely throughout my life.

When I experience a situation as you describe: alone, walking in late evening - I never feel alone. I never feel empty or 'not good'. I feel completely immersed in the experience of reality. The warm spring air, the new grass and flowers. The colours of the sunset as beams stretch out to touch the horizon. The soft birdsong and tinkle of the river. 

There is so much in our experience - how rich it is. I don't want to miss it.

I cannot feel alone with all of this beauty surrounding me. 

Nothing lasts, so I cherish the moment....

Are you distracted from noticing all within your experience?

I'd add that loneliness is a deeper condition than we might initially think.

I enjoy solitude too. 

Edited 14 hours ago by UnbornTao

[gettoefl]

4 hours ago, bazera said:

@Leo Gura

Including talking via internet? Like this forum, youtube comments, social media, messengers, etc?

I was under the illusion myself that I liked being alone, but the it hit me that when I'm physicall alone (since I live alone and work from home), I'm constantly connected to dozens of people through group chats / forums / etc. And that actually being alone is really painful and I'm constantly distracting myself.

I think you meant removing all that shit, right? Just yourself and your mind.

Online is good in that it shows you that you only ever talk to yourself and for your own benefit. Face to face that realization is harder.

[iamlite]

You ARE Miracle. 

I remember I read this Camus quote that goes something akin to "I think greatest sin to life is not to lose access to some God-promised heaven by doing something "wrong", but to actually overlook the absolute miracle that is this life here". And it moved me and I was crying my eyes out for how can I be such a fool to overlook this. 

So.. the point of being alone is just to see that your existence here is fantastic. This is where classic spirituality enters the room. 

But then if you have that desire, you can just go and talk to people nothing bad with it. In fact, healthy and loving relationships are good for ya. You can use something as simple as interacting with other people to fine-tune a lot of aspects of how your mind works: you can be more kinder, more loving, less judging, less critical, more open, more accepting. 

And you will have still much time left alone and you can use it to deepen your spiritual work with some of your craving satisfied. If you are fan of Actualized.org, you probably have some desire for highest Truth and you just at some point go and do it. 

Hello guys this is one of my first posts on this forum, I just wanted to get some of it out and say something 

[freddyteisen]

@Leo Gura do you no longer get bored?

[Rigel]

Head on

[Schizophonia]

Getting friends.

It's logical; when you feel hungry you eat, when you feel sleepy you go to sleep, and if you feel to alone you make relationships.

Edited 17 hours ago by Schizophonia

[Dodo]

@TheGod some want to be left alone 

[Terell Kirby]

11 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Realistically it will requires spending years sitting alone.

How would the process look in setting up one’s life in such a way where this is even possible? Survival demands a great deal of activity in the 21st century- if you’re not some wealthy prince who can afford to do this (Buddha style)

Edited 17 hours ago by Terell Kirby

[Eskilon]

20 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

How would the process look in setting up one’s life in such a way where this is even possible?

Investment, build yourself so much that you don't need to work anymore. Or work very little. Or become a full-time monk for sometime

 

20 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

if you’re not some wealthy prince who can afford to do this (Buddha style)

The reason Buddha was able to "do it" was not because he was wealthy, it was because he said screw the world and pursued loneliness by himself. It was his will and ambition.

If anything one of the reason Buddha is revered is because he threw away all his wealth like it was nothing.

Edited 16 hours ago by Eskilon

[Dodo]

15 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

How would the process look in setting up one’s life in such a way where this is even possible? Survival demands a great deal of activity in the 21st century- if you’re not some wealthy prince who can afford to do this (Buddha style)

Dont try to be alone, that's impossible. Notice instead that there are no others. #matrix #bendthespoon

[Natasha Tori Maru]

It might be important to make a distinction here - do we mean 'alone' in the spiritual sense? Or literally 'there is no one else present' 

Because spiritually 'Alone' is not just solitude - it is pointing to oneness without otherness.

When mystics or sages say you are 'alone' they don't normally mean lonely or isolated. It is typically meant: there is no second thing, no separate observer and observed. ALL-ONE - if we want to play with the hidden pun

Spiritually I would say this 'being alone' means we stop needing validation from outside forms. That the 'other' is really you in disguise and you recognise awareness as self-sufficient: it no longer depends on company, time, or even a story.

This is why this whole concept of loneliness is terrifying AND liberating. Terrifying because the ego dissolves in that aloneness: liberating because there is infinite peace and freedom in realizing there was never anything outside of us to begin with.

This also touches on why many people get slightly triggered at the concept of being socially isolated.

I do think you need to follow life's normal flow during adolescence and young adulthood of heavy socialization, experience, and contrast to get to the point made above. There is a reason most monks will reject you when you are young claiming 'I will give it all up, my life, for this' 

They know you aren't giving up shit! You need to go out and forge a life and actualize before you go to real solitude spiritually. 

Walk before you run. Crawl before you walk

Edited 14 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Ishanga]

19 hours ago, TheGod said:

It’s very clear to me that all my life I’ve been running away from loneliness. I think 99.99% of the people do it as well. All activities that we do as humans are just distractions, even the most elaborated ones like pursuing your life purpose or going on retreats with other people. Everything is designed to keep you away from loneliness. 
But what is it that we are running from actually ? Today, when I was walking in the park in the late evening with no soul around me I tried to feel deeply how it feels and it didn’t feel good. The way it feels to me is like scary emptiness and numbness covered in overwhelming craving for companionship or distraction. 
It recently hit me that my life purpose is to face loneliness, the rest is just a distraction from this main thing.

The question is what it takes to actually face it and get completely comfy with it ?

It’s also very clear to me that most of enlightened gurus haven’t transcended this, otherwise why would they be teaching ? 
 

Its true, most of what ppl are doing with their time, beside eating, sleeping, working and reproducing, is distraction, its not only from Loneliness, but from feeling a sense of nothingness or boredom... You only feel Bored because You do not know what Life is Experientially, Boredom is a clear sign that You are not really Alive, or Living, Your just Existing, which for a Human Being is a Tragedy, since we are the most capable live forms to realize what Life Truly Is about!

If You change and transform Yourself, You'll never feel lonely again, You'll feel a complete connection with Everything around You, everything in Existence if You want to go that far its there for You to explore, its up to You how much connection You want to feel and experience..