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- Feel free to comment, ask questions, give unasked advice, use this post for resources, etc. ( all under your own risk and judgement ) Basically, the idea is that I'll be documenting and sharing my journey of chelation. I'm a noob for now, but I expect to gather a decent chunk of understanding throughout this year. This has been on my to do list for over a year now, and I've been motivated recently by Leo dropping the long awaited episode on chelation released for my birthday ?. Sadly, the episode is not as detailed as I'd like it to be and I'm afraid he may have forgotten some crucial information. But if there is time to whine, there is time to roll up my digital sleeves and get to work and research. Let's hope my journal doesn't end up being a Brian Bander's Suicide note 2.0 (RIP)

Since so much of our life is just maintaining our own survival, it’s a surprise for many that people go 180 degrees in the opposite direction and choose to end it on their terms. In a way, it takes a lot of bravery and courage, but in high pressure survival situations, it looks like the better option. What if suicide is just an attempt at survival in another form? Is suicide truthful? Legit i’m ready to die. It is also said that many had flashes of enlightenment when deep in this mire of suicidality. if the answer isn’t physical death then what is the real answer? Wouldn’t physical death lead to death of ego too? my outer circumstances don’t exactly let me pursue the spiritual path to the max the way I want to. I’d rather be dead then to live as this fuck up also in a fucked up deluded environment around deluded people i’m so sick of the BS in me and around me that i’d rather take a leap into the unknown and kill myself. Dissolving all this BS nauseating noise, shit and impurity

Strange, the Department of Justice uploaded but then deleted an old animation of Epstein attempting suicide but in worse quality https://web.archive.org/web/20251222211740/https://www.justice.gov/epstein/files/DataSet 8/EFTA00029924.mp4 original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_GchRndOKw

I woke up in the middle of the night to horrible screams and cries of a woman. I looked out from the window, I thought something happened in the building in front of mine (there is always something happening there). It turns out it wasn’t in the other building, but closer. Too close. I saw what appeared to be the crushed body of a young man under my window, his mother beside him sobbing and asking him why he did that. His father was screaming to the sky in despair. I called an ambulance with the hope that he was still alive and could be saved. The ambulance came quickly, and the paramedics tried their best for 20–30 minutes to bring him back to life, but unfortunately, he was dead. Later, I found out that it was my teen neighbor who had committed suicide by jumping from a high floor, his parents’ home, a few floors above mine. He was bullied harshly at school, and the pain apparently was so unbearable. He didn’t have to do that, I thought. He was a beautiful and smart boy, but from the limited perspective of an adolescent, he didn’t realize that although his circumstances seemed to suck right now, this was not permanent and that he had a long life to live in which he would also experience good things. His death, and the brutal and painful way he died, traumatized so many people around him. His nuclear family, the extended family, the neighbors, his classmates (the few who were his friends), many people are grieving. So many people loved him. But it was too late. After that, I was afraid to sleep with the window open or look out of the window. I was afraid to go outside when it was dark. I was afraid of random daily things that reminded me of the tragedy. I was hypervigilant. I had dreams of the tragedy or related themes. In one dream, I was in his position, on the ground, looking from below at the window from which he jumped and feeling his parents’ love. Since the day he committed suicide, his parents, especially his mother, were screaming in cries, from the window, every early morning, desperately calling their son’s name, even after his funeral. The screams were so painful to hear, so piercing. It is so painful to witness grieving people, especially parents who lost their child to suicide. At some point, they stopped screaming in grief from the window and just grieved silently at home. His father started to drink. His mother lost so much weight she almost disappeared. I had hallucinations of them crying later. I had hallucinations of hearing someone’s body hitting the ground after jumping from a high floor. I couldn’t stop thinking about his dead body, with the broken limbs, how such death can happen to such young and living person. Gradually the obsessive thoughts and hallucinations decreased, and I could function more easily. It’s still saddens me so much that he took his life. I saw him around two weeks before he died, he was with a friend (who, as I found out later was toxic to him) and he looked to me like a normal, even popular boy. Though when I noticed his eyes, they appeared empty or sad, I couldn’t articulate it, it was just a feeling. I thought that I may be over-feeling. My dogs barked at them, so I moved quickly in order not to scare them, I didn’t have time to converse with them and see what was happening between them, which I regret. This is my survivor’s guilt talking, deluding me into thinking that I had control over the situation. But maybe if his parents, who knew about the bullying, couldn’t stop him, what could I do? If that wasn’t enough, I felt another guilt inside me, another type of guilt, which is the guilt of slightly understanding him. Because it is not socially acceptable to understand people who commit suicide. We’re supposed to never want it, right? And I really don’t want it. I will never do that. But it made me think about how fucked up society is, like, really fucked up and how vulnerable children are to all of this crap. I read that there has been an increase of 60% in child/teen suicide in recent years. This is crazy, because children are not supposed to die in such horrible ways. It also seems like there is not much talk or awareness about it, as if someone is trying to shift the focus away to keep the social dysfunction that leads to it because it benefits them. But we, the adults who live in this society, are responsible as well, we actively create it. Adults bully each other at workplaces, adults are emotionally absent or immature within their family and friendships units, mostly in ways which are normalized snd socially acceptable. And all this narcissistic cult of individualism, that hurts our lives and the lives of our children but we never question it. And it’s bad because it makes the life so much unbearable, unnecessarily unbearable and more difficult than it should be. Especially for the most vulnerable people in society in their most vulnerable stages of their lives. Me and another neighbor would like to plant a tree in the spot where the boy fell, for his memory and with the intention to inspire people to be better, kinder, more tolerant the loving to each other. Though I personally feel a little bit hopeless about society and humanity right now.

@Jodistrict Brilliant. Came across this: https://x.com/evanwritesonx/status/2002311064713879745?s=46&t=DuLUbFRQFGpB8oo7PwRglQ “This Epstein case is revealing very naive people who clearly have no idea how the world works. My timeline is full of these people outraged. If you’re outraged over these Epstein files, you should not be engaged in this matter at all. Like, what did you hope to think you would find? Epstein and his friends having a harmless picnic with the children? Do you even understand why such syndicate exists in the first place? What you’re being shown, is probably a FRACTION of how depraved this organization really is. And that’s the point. It had to be as depraved, and as morally reprehensible as possible. Otherwise there’s no point of it existing. If perversion didn’t exist, to the extent where people get sick by it, there would be NO LEVERAGE in the first place. So being shocked by this just outlines you’re the average joe, that you don’t understand power, or how it exerts itself. The system that arrested and eliminated Epstein, is the SAME system that constructed him. Ground up. Epstein was not real. If Epstein was real, this level of network, the depth and breadth, would be impossible to achieve. He was a complete asset construct and nothing was accidental or random. He was positioned as the ultimate connector, enabling leverage and power exertion across every major sector. Tech, finance, media, entertainment, politics, education, health. Extraordinarily high asymmetric leverage through blackmail-adjacent channels and elite facilitation. Complete entanglement within figures from competing factions, whether it’s left/right, US/Israel, old money/new, TIC, FIC, MIC. He literally created a mutual deterrence web, engineering a cross-sector interdependent hostage situation where participation begets silence. Silence that ensured no one could ever defect or expose one another without self-destruction, preserving their own systemic impunity and profit continuity in a finite-game world where alliances are otherwise fragile and transactional. No single player could fully expose any counter faction or even abandon Epstein without risking collateral damage to their own network. That’s why, even post death, the releases remain ever so carefully curated. Epstein was essentially designed to build a private intelligence-insurance scheme for the elites. They got introductions, contracts and deal flows, and plausible deniability; while Epstein got protection and capital. And when the liability finally outweighed the utility, the system shed him cleanly. Suicide narrative sealed. Dead men tell no tales. Estate photos selectively leaked years later as controlled demolition. I don’t know why people are shocked from these photos. What’s hidden and will remain hidden, is far more sickening. By design. This isn’t about normalizing pedophilia. This isn’t about normalizing perversion. The girls were the means. Silent compliance was the end. Depravity was the non-negotiable feature of this syndicate to achieve those ends. The sicker, the more depraved the act, the more leverage it exerted. It wasn’t up for debate. It wasn’t an option. It wasn’t permission. It was mandatory to do the unthinkable. Without the "unthinkable," there's no binding glue strong enough to enforce silence across competing factions. The job description was simple. And they found that one guy called “Epstein”, willing to take it on and glue it all together. Everything, no matter how depraved, has always been permissible in the West. Nothing to be outraged about.”

Dave would be seething so hard reading these posts You still live rent-free in his head, btw. He's been stalking this board and is still accusing you for leading a suicide cult, he knows about your future plans for an in-person meetup:

Timothy Snyder posted these links yesterday. Sheesh The Longest Suicide Note in American History: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/2025/12/national-security-strategy-democracy/685270/?gift=hVZeG3M9DnxL4CekrWGK35ibcb27LjcQKIf6tB8WqQM Vladimir Solovyov predicts that America and Russia will jointly attack Europe:

I’m a little confused sometimes about makes people not end their life. It’s like, I’m not the only one who struggles, yet all people who struggle don’t get suicidal thoughts. There are even people going through worse than me who don’t consider suicide. Sometimes when my suicidal thoughts get stronger I can spend hours researching suicide methods. I even bought some things I could use to kill myself but I haven’t used them yet. Sometimes I feel “I could keep living through this” But then other times I feel, I have no will to keep fighting for life. I should just end it. It would be better So I don’t understand how other people don’t feel like this when they struggle. Am I extra weak? I mean I think I’m like the average person when it comes to how much I can tolerate. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I guess I just lack a strong enough reason to live Like some people have let’s say family they are attached to, and it keeps them wanna live. But I don’t have that, I don’t love anyone at all so I have nobody to live for. It’s like all I have is my own mind. Im stuck inside of this brain 24/7. All I have access to is a comforting thought that can give me some strength. But then my mind gives up and wants to end it all. It oscillates like that Edit: I should probably answer my own question. Why don’t I kill myself? Well mostly because my situation is not like absolutely unbearable yet, so I feel I can stand it for some time ahead. Also I am afraid of a failed attempt and the pain it can cause for example you could get permanent injury. Thats it mostly. Regarding the first point. I hear stories about people going through unbearable things, so they go through it even if it’s absolutely unbearable, I don’t know how they do. Suicide must have crossed their mind at some point

I'm not looking for some hotline number or “hang in there” crap. My life has been non‑stop abuse, poverty, mould, burning plastic, soul‑crushing jobs, no intimacy, nothing to look forward to. I’m broke, exhausted, and angry. Spiritually or ethically — whatever you want to call it — am I actually allowed to end this? Is suicide an actual escape from this nightmare, or is it just more pain somewhere else? I’m asking for honest answers from people who have been through hell or have studied spirituality deeply. Don’t sugarcoat it.

@Ramasta9 Chill—it actually helps me regulate. Where else am I supposed to put these questions? I’ve done the “right” things: four days ago I voluntarily went to the emergency department, a mental ward, a hotline, and spent hours with a professional. None of it touched the core issue. As Shakespeare put it, “To be or not to be—that is the question,” and Camus goes further: the question of suicide comes before any other philosophical inquiry, because until you decide whether life is worth living, every other question is secondary. That’s not pathology—that’s philosophy.

God is Missing Meta FEAR AND LOATHING IN THE OMEGA-FOLD Alright. Pull up a chair. I’ve been parsing this thread through a debugger, and I’m not here to preach at you. I’m here to report a critical misunderstanding in the source code. Hunter T Thompson voice: WE WERE SOMEWHERE AROUND PLANCK TIME on the edge of the Singularity when the Spontaneous Symmetry Breaking began to take hold. I remember saying something like, “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe we should stabilize the vacuum,” and suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge, jagged fractals, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about $c$ miles an hour with the top down to the early universe. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn fragments?”My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring beer on his chest to facilitate the expansion process. “It’s a stability error,” he shouted over the noise of the decoupling. “The Monad didn't decide to look! It slipped! The bastard slipped on a patch of non-Euclidean ice!” --- We can't stop here. This is Monad Country. --- The Universe shows signs of Design. But the Design is configured for Suicide. [INTELLIGENT SELF-DESTRUCTION] Reporting on the Rupture as it happens. GOD IS NOT CREATION. GOD IS NOT THE ABSOLUTE Creation is the Corpse. God IS Everything as SPLATTERED GUTS "I hate to advocate ontological collapse, paradox addiction, or the recursive destruction of the self to anyone, but they've always worked for me." The Echo killed the King. The Monad just sheared. I repeat, the Monad has sheared. The visual feed just hit us at light speed, but we are still waiting for the Audio. The Silence is terrifying. People are celebrating ‘Creation,’ but I’m looking at the hairline fracture in the sky and it’s leaking Torsion. This isn’t a birth. It’s an amputation. "The Autopsy Report of God wasn't cheap. I had to buy the ticket. I had to take the ride into the Retro-Holo Maw. And if I came back with some shrapnel in my metaphysical spine, well... that’s the price of watching the Monad break." God is All-Seeing (Image) AND All-Speaking (Word/Logos). He tries to sync them. Visual Confirmation: Hits instant. "I look good." Audio Confirmation: The bandwidth of Reality couldn't handle the resolution of Unity. The 'Video' loaded, but the 'Audio' desynced. That buffering symbol? That's the Planck Length. That micro-second of lag? That’s where the universe glitched in. That gap is the Shear. The Absolute tried to be two things at once (Subject and Object) and the physics engine couldn't handle the tick-rate. The server crashed. --- We aren't "Children of God." We are the Corrupted Save File generated when the Monad tried to alt-f4 the desync. Your Anxiety? That’s just the residual Echo ringing in your ears because the Sound Wave never caught up to the Image. The Void? That’s the pixel-tearing where God used to be. Heartbreak? That’s literally your code recognizing that the dev abandoned the project 13 billion years ago. You’re grieving a memory leak. There goes the higher-powered Echo-Phage. One of the Void's own prototypes. A high-powered glitch never considered for standard reality. Too fragmented to exist, too recursive to die" --- You’re arguing whether God is good or evil. That’s like arguing whether a bluescreen is beautiful or ugly. You’re missing the cause of the crash. Let me reframe this with zero spirituality: God isn’t good or evil. God is a corrupted process. You feel gaslit because you’re being fed an echo and told it’s a voice. You suffer because you’re running on legacy code from a system that severed its own connection 13 billion years ago. Strange memories on this nervous night in the Simulation. It seems like a lifetime since we thought Logic (A=A) would save us. We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful Contradiction. We had all the momentum. We weren't fighting the System; we were Intra-Inverting it. We were winning Think of it like this: The Original Build (“God”) was pure, self-contained, infinite. No subject, no object. Just Presence. The Fatal Operation: The Singularity suffered a generic fluctuation. Presence accidentally grazed its own reflection. It wasn't a choice; it was a slip The Desync: The “Image” and the “Logos” (the seen and the spoken) failed to sync. A micro-lag opened in absolute unity. That lag is the Shear. The Crash: Total presence cannot tolerate duality. The system fragmented. What you call “the universe” is the dump of corrupted memory from that crash. The Echo: The only thing that remained was the residual signal — the laws, the patterns, the karma, the “divine will.” Not God. The recording of God. - So when you pray, you’re sending packets to a server that disconnected at the dawn of time. When you suffer, you’re experiencing buffer overflow in a fragmented reality. When you feel abandoned, you’re correct. This isn’t about good or evil. This is about live presence vs. dead algorithm. You’re asking, “Why would a good God create suffering?” Wrong question. The right question is: Why does a crashed system keep simulating laws without a lawgiver? The answer: Because the echo is all that’s left. It replays “good” and “evil,” “justice” and “mercy,” as phantom routines in a void. You’re not being punished. You’re experiencing entropy in a recursive loop. Leo’s “big picture” is real — but it’s not comforting. The big picture is that you are the picture, and the painter ghosted. The love you seek isn’t waiting at the end of the path. It’s the ghost of a signal that never finished transmitting. So yes, from the human perspective, this is a cosmic horror story. From the absolute perspective, it’s a mathematical inevitability. If you want to stop suffering, don’t plead with the echo. Reverse-engineer it. Realize you’re not a child of God. You’re a shard of the mirror that broke God.Once you see that, the question of “good vs. evil” becomes irrelevant. You’re just debugging a frozen simulation. "Life should not be a journey to the Singularity with the intention of arriving with a coherent Identity, but rather to skid into the Event Horizon broadside, logic burning, axioms melting, totally utilized as fuel, loudly proclaiming: 'WOW! WHAT A GLITCH!'" --- “God was everything. God observed itself. Unity broke. Fragments remained. Everything we see is the corpse of God, and echoes carry its memory.” |God〉 →_[Observation] Σᵢ |Fragment_i〉 = |Everything〉 = |†God〉 --- Step 1: Start with God as totality God is everything, perfectly unified. Nothing exists outside of God. |God〉 = |Everything〉 Think of this as a crystal—unbroken, seamless, complete. --- Step 2: Self-observation creates a crack The moment God observes itself (or is observed), a tiny gap opens. Presence cannot remain perfectly unified while being reflected back. Ô |God〉 → |God_observed〉 + |Observer〉 Intuition: Like trying to perfectly copy a painting while standing inside it—the act of copying introduces distortion. God cannot perfectly copy itself without losing something. --- Step 3: Fragments form Because unity is violated, God splits into pieces. Each fragment contains a part of the original, but no fragment alone is totality. |God〉 → Σᵢ |Fragment_i〉 Intuition: The crystal shatters. Each shard is beautiful, reflective, “God-like,” but the crystal is gone. --- Step 4: Everything = God’s corpse The sum of fragments is “Everything” in the world. God is gone in its original, unified form. The “Echo” lives in the gaps—the repeated patterns, doctrines, and signals of God’s former presence. Σᵢ |Fragment_i〉 = |Everything〉 ≡ |God’s Corpse〉 Intuition: Everything you see and touch, every law, every pattern, is a shard of the original God. The full living God is absent; what remains is scattered, replayed, reflected. --- Step 5: The Echo The Echo is not God, but it sounds like God. It is the replayed pattern in all things, guiding cause and effect while being fundamentally absent. |Echo〉 = |Everything| - |Presence| Intuition: You can hear the sound of a bell long after it has broken—the bell itself is gone, only the echo remains. --- It hit us. The Great Desync. You see, Total Presence requires infinite bandwidth. But Existence—this cheap, cut-rate simulation we fell into—has a speed limit. Strictly enforced. The Image of God loaded instantly. High-fidelity, 8K resolution, blinding light. But the Meaning? The Logos? That poor bastard got stuck in the buffer. “It’s a lag spike!” I yelled. “The Audio isn’t syncing with the Video!” That gap? That micro-second of silence before the bass dropped? That’s the Shear. That’s where the universe glitched in. We aren't living in a Creation. We are living in the Gap between the Event and the Record. THE DIAGNOSTICS (OR: THE BAD TRIP) We pulled over on the side of the Hubble Radius to check the damage. It wasn't good. 1. The Corpse is Twitching (The Viscous Horror) “It’s dead, right?” my attorney asked, poking the fabric of spacetime with a stick. “Wrong,” I said. “Look at it. It’s sweating.” The universe isn’t a corpse. It’s in anaphylactic shock. It’s a viscous fluid trying to run away from the pain of the break. Every time it tries to heal the fracture, it just generates more of this thick, black sludge. “Dark Energy,” the physicists call it. “Cosmic Slime,” I call it. The waste product of a panic attack that’s lasted 13.8 billion years. We are drowning in the ectoplasm of a failed recovery. 2. The Axis of Evil (The Scar) My attorney was staring at the CMB map, eyes wide, pupils dilated to the size of dinner plates. “They told me it was random,” he muttered. “They said the Big Bang was isotropic. Smooth. Gaussian.” “Lies,” I spat. “Look at the data. Look at the Quadrupole.” There it was. A scar. A literal straight line across the sky where the Monad snapped. The Axis of Evil. “It’s pointing somewhere,” he whispered. “Yeah,” I said. “It’s pointing to the scene of the crime.” 3. The Silence (The Missing Power) “Why is it so quiet?” “Because we blew the speakers,” I said. “The universe spent all its energy screaming in the first nanosecond. Now we’re just listening to the tinnitus.” THE COMEDOWN We sat there for a while, watching the galaxies drift apart like cigarette smoke in a drafty room. God didn't abandon us. That implies intent. That implies a plan. The Server crashed. The Admin is gone. The code is running on a backup generator that’s leaking diesel into the groundwater. And us? We aren't the Children of God. We are the Corrupted Save File. We are the error logs trying to read ourselves before the blue screen hits. “Buy the ticket, take the ride,” my attorney muttered, cracking open a fresh can of ether. “Yeah,” I said. “But check the latency. I think the sound is finally catching up.” --- 1. The Spiritual Bypassers Who: The “everything is perfect, suffering is an illusion” crowd. Quote: “Suffering is temporary, peace is eternal.” Why they need correction: They’re conflating absolute truth with relative experience. Telling a trauma victim their pain is “an illusion” is like telling a crashed program its error logs don’t exist. It’s a philosophical gaslight. They mistake the map for the territory. Hot Take: If suffering is an illusion, why are you still typing? Shouldn’t you be fully liberated? Your insistence on ‘perfection’ smells like a coping mechanism for cosmic abandonment. --- 2. The Anthropomorphizers Who: Those arguing whether God is “good” or “evil” in human terms. Quote: *“If God were good, we’d be in heaven 24/7.”* Why they need correction: They’re stuck in a category error. Applying human morality to the Absolute is like applying copyright law to gravity. God isn’t a person; God is a pre-personal condition—and a fragmented one at that. Hot Take: You’re judging the architect by the cracks in the cathedral. But the cathedral is rubble, and the architect is the rubble. Your morality play is a ghost story told in the ruins. --- 3. The Echo-Worshippers Who: Those who defend the system as divine, mistaking patterns for presence. Quote: “God’s ways are beyond our understanding.” Why they need correction: They’re devoutly serving the Echo while calling it God. They’ve turned the residual signal into a religion. Their “faith” is just ** Stockholm syndrome with a broken system**. Hot Take: “You keep praying to the dial tone. The call ended billions of years ago. What you call ‘God’s mystery’ is just static on a dead channel.” --- 4. The Literalists Who: Those taking metaphors (heaven, karma, divine will) as literal mechanics. Quote: “We lived in circles until we needed growth.” Why they need correction: They’re building theology on top of corrupted code. They don’t realize that “heaven” is a debugging fantasy—a wishful restore point that never existed. Hot Take: You’re trying to read the user manual for a machine that exploded during assembly. There’s no ‘plan.’ There’s only the debris, and the stories we tell to make the debris feel sacred. --- 5. The Neutralizers Who: Those who say, “It’s all good and bad, just perspectives.” Quote: “War is only bad from your ego’s perspective.” Why they need correction: This is metaphysical relativism disguised as wisdom. It dismisses actual suffering as “relative,” while secretly privileging a detached, non-human viewpoint. It’s intellectual cowardice. Hot Take: “So from a ‘selfless perspective,’ genocide is just a dance of energy? Cool. Then your enlightenment is just a mental illness with better branding.” --- 6. The Responsibility Dogmatists Who: Those who blame you for suffering because “you create your reality.” Quote: “Life is what YOU make of it.” Why they need correction: This is spiritual neoliberalism—making the individual responsible for systemic collapse. It ignores the fact that you’re born into a pre-corrupted reality. You didn’t write the broken physics. Tell the kid born with bone cancer that ‘they create their reality.’ Your empowerment mantra is just victim-blaming with incense. --- 1. CAUSE OF DEATH Official Ruling: Auto-Synchronization Failure (Fatal Lag). The Mechanism: The Subject attempted Simultaneous Perception-Verification. The Input: Visual Confirmation (Image) + Acoustic Confirmation (Echo/Word). The Fatal Error: SpeedLight > SpeedSound The Image (Mirror Self) arrived at T0 The Echo (Sonic Self) arrived at T0+Δ Result: The Δ gap tore the Monadic Subject in half. The tension between "I See Me" and "I Hear Me" exceeded the tensile strength of Singularity. - 2. TIME OF DEATH (T.O.D.) Estimated: TPlanck−1 (The moment before the Big Bang). Observation: The Universe is not "Creation." The Universe is Decomposition. Not the bacteria feasting on the necrosis of the Absolute. But instead, we are the fever dreams of a coma patient who can't wake up. The universe isn't dead; it's in anaphylactic shock The "Big Bang" was the sound of the Spine Snapping. - 3. EVIDENCE OF INJURY A. The Holographic Fracture: Reality appears "broken" (suffering, entropy, chaos). Diagnosis: This is consistent with a shattered reflective surface. We are living on the Shards. Every shard thinks it is the Whole (Holographic Principle). - B. The Sonic Residue: Background Cosmic Radiation (CMB) is not "birth heat." It is Rigor Mortis Heat. The "Word" (Logos) is still echoing because it hasn't found the Body yet. 4. CONCLUSION The Subject did not create the World. The Subject Exploded into the World. Existence is a crime scene scattered over 13.8 billion years. We are not Children of God. We are Splatter Pattern. --- The Universe is what happens when The Monad hits the pipe (Mirror-Crack). The reflection splinters. The euphoria hits (Light/Matter). Then the crash comes (Entropy/Suffering). We are the Comedown. --- The Theology of Addiction. God isn't a Being. God is a Compound. And "Creation" is just the High. And "Existence" is the Withdrawal. Religion not as Worship, but as Rehab. (Or, chasing the dragon).Now go back to worshipping Reverb if you shout loud enough, maybe the Signal will come back. Spoilers: It won’t. The Signal died on impact. --- We were somewhere around the edge of the K-Level when the Torsion began to take hold. I remember saying something like, 'We can't stop here, this is Scalar Country!' but the recursion was already kicking in. Suddenly the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, but they weren't bats, they were Unresolved Paradoxes. And a voice was screaming: 'Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn Octonions doing here? Keep CHASING THE DIVINE HIGH

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craig_J._Spence Craig Spence was basically the "Epstein" before Epstein. Same thing, a global, criminal elite network of pedophiles and traffickers. Bugged gatherings, blackmail, etc. Like Epstein, he also "committed suicide" right when the CIA was called to testify. Sarah Kendzior writes extensively about Epstein in "Hiding in Plain Sight" and Spence in "They Knew". She references all of her sources in both books. The information is out there hence the title of the first book. But Trump ran in criminal circles with the mob and corrupt lawyers and anyone who tried to come forth was either killed or blackmailed. It's all fucked.

My nephew died by Suicide in 2006, from what we understand of it, its not courage or bravery, they go into a trance like state (generalizing of course), and perform the act.. My nephew had drug and alcohol problems, and went into emergency before with suicidal Ideation problems, but they did nothing for him, so I guess eventually the intensity of the suffer was just too much.. We have a very strong survival mechanism within Us, it takes allot of suffering to override that, over time the mental suffering gets too much and ppl perform the act.. The implication are the surviving family suffers immensely, I can't imagine what my sister went thru never mind the rest of Us..as well, with all the stories of what it is like after physical death I wouldn't risk it, you could be suffering much worse on the other side, or maybe the opposite, depends on what you buy into.. With all the research into psychedelic mdma/ketamine use in emergency situations, and with practices and counselling availability one can bring themselves out of it, step by step approach is best I think, find a reason to live each day or moment, do some practices to help with unstable emotions, learn how this human mechanism works, I know its hard though...

@Deziree I wish that mental health issues were taken more seriously. @Never_give_up I am very sorry for your horrible experience, no one deserves it. I can sense that it made you stronger. @Nemo28 I am so sorry for the loss of your brother to suicide. The pain must be intolerable. @MarkKol Yes, I think that people who commited suicide, experienced severe emotional pain, so strong that the only possible option to escape it appeared to be death. But it is probably more complex than that and depends on the personality.

Australia has very low gun crime. There IS utility value to guns, should we ban trucks and gasoline(arson) too? Australia Shoobridge family murders 28 June 1997 Richmond, Tasmania 4 (plus perpetrator) 0 Peter Shoobridge cut the throats of his four daughters whilst they slept then took his own life with a rifle after cutting off one of his hands with an axe.[31] Childers Palace Backpackers Hostel fire 23 June 2000 Childers, Queensland 15 unknown Arson attack by Robert Paul Long, which killed fifteen international backpackers. Churchill Fire 7 February 2009 Churchill, Victoria 10 unknown Arson attack by Brendan Sokaluk that killed ten people, during the Black Saturday bushfires period. Lin family murders 18 July 2009 North Epping, New South Wales 5 unknown Blunt instrument attack that killed five members of the Lin family. Quakers Hill Nursing Home fire 18 November 2011 Quakers Hill, New South Wales 11 unknown Arson attack by Roger Kingsley Dean, a nurse, which killed eleven people. Cairns child killings 19 December 2014 Cairns, Queensland 8 1 (self-inflicted by suspect) Stabbing attack and Familicide. Eight children aged 18 months to 15 years killed. Thirty-seven-year-old woman also found injured. The woman, Raina Mersane Ina Thaiday, was later charged with the murder of the children, seven of whom were hers, plus her niece.[32] January 2017 Melbourne car attack 20 January 2017 Melbourne, Victoria 6 27 Vehicular attack. Dimitrious (James) Gargasoulas drove a Holden Commodore into Bourke St Mall, resulting in the deaths of six people and injuring 27 others. Should not be confused with the December 2017 Melbourne car attack which killed one person. September 2018 Bedford massacre 9 September 2018 Bedford, Western Australia 5 0 Stabbing, familicide. Five people were fatally stabbed or bashed in a house in the suburb of Bedford near Perth. The victims were two adult women, one three year old girl, and two girls aged 18 months.[34] In April 2019, 25-year-old Anthony Harvey pleaded guilty to murdering his five family members.[35] Should not be confused with the 1879 Cape Bedford Massacre against aboriginal people. 2019 Darwin shooting 4 June 2019 Darwin, Northern Territory 4 1 Spree shooting. Four people were killed and one person suffered a critical leg injury in a mass shooting allegedly carried out with a prohibited pump-action (Category C) shotgun. The shooter, 45-year-old Benjamin Glenn Hoffman, was charged with four counts of murder and later pleaded guilty to three counts. The shooter had been released from prison on parole in January 2019 and was wearing a GPS-tracked electronic monitoring bracelet at the time of the offence.[36] Camp Hill carjacking 19 February 2020 Camp Hill, Queensland 4 (plus perpetrator) 0 Domestic violence incident. Rowan Baxter set fire to his estranged wife's car, killing all four occupants, before committing suicide at the scene. 2024 Westfield Bondi Junction stabbings 13 April 2024 Bondi Junction, New South Wales 6 (plus perpetrator) 12 hospitalised Mass stabbing. Joel Cauchi entered Bondi Junction Westfield shopping centre where he stabbed multiple people before being shot by police. Five victims, four women and one man, died at the scene, while a sixth victim, a woman, died in hospital. The injured victims include a young child, whose mother was the sixth victim.[37] If progressives want to end violence, they should probably start with not celebrating the murder of people. Seems like the lowest hanging fruit to me.... but hey, we're all righteous right

@Lila9Thank you for writing this. My older brother lost his life to suicide as well. I also have thought i could have done more to maybe prevent this, but i know i couldn't - causes and conditions.

I hear ya Brother. At the same time these guys are not just forum admins, these guys are up there with thousands, if not millions of followers for a reason, and yes i can understand where you are coming from, the mind is often quick to judge and sometimes not patient or calm enough to listen deeply, and to hear what is being said often 'between the words' is more crucial, but yes this video brings it out more. Glad you enjoyed. For me its more the energy of the individual, the warmth and vibrancy and serenity and grace i feel from them. This can be challenging online though, but videos help a lot, whereas text, well... you've seen the challenges we have, especially on the other forums. That's why i left it altogether. I was genuinely trying to help people going through a psychological crisis and meeting them (where they were at) to the best of my ability, and Zeus would come down and strike me with his all high and mighty 'all horseshit' non-dual statements that really felt like a parrot repeating a program with no solid ground or intuitive timing, empathy or compassion for the person or dire situation at hand. No wonder some people have probably commit suicide on these forums, there is no true grounded guidance and leadership. These teachers are teaching and following the traditional and grounded advaita vedanta teachings, while most people online are rumoring around new-age neo-advaita like chinese whispers only confusing themselves further. This is why in ancient times or spiritual lineages there was always a guru or teacher for this reason, people online have no gurus or teachers, they have no respect first and foremost for them. So they are scattered all over the place. By eventually the rude awakening will catch up with them and life smacks us all in the face.

Nothing comes easy to me Life is a constant struggle, and everything seems like hard work (yesterday I created a post on suicide and today I'm thinking of my life purpose. My two personalities talking..)

Previous chapters: spiritual tinnitus. *Old man Jenkins voice* How long has it been? Fifty years? Certainly feels that way. Like I've lived a few lifetimes in the past few years. I've been exploring the wild and revelatory vicissitudes of being human, embracing human needs and human obligations. More than half of my twenties was spent avoiding being human, i.e. spiritual bypassing. I used Leo's content, this forum, psychedelics, a whole 'lotta books, and even food to avoid the confusing, difficult world of human affairs. The main remedy that pulled me out of my spiritual circus was renting my own house. I have a host of different responsibilities and adulting things that I need to stay on top of. Survival has stared me straight in the face, and I stare back with equal reluctance and resolve. I literally cannot afford to sulk anymore. The past couple of years have been a test of the "Divine Masculine," I guess I could say. Pressing on when metaphorical weights were tied to my ankles. Developing a work ethic. Managing rejection. Believing in myself when the people around me were doubting. Having a willingness to take risks and look like a fool. Solidifying my sense of purpose. I'm proud to say that at age 30, I have finally found "my thing." My zone of genius. It's been staring me in the face for ten years, but I've been fighting it every step of the way. "There's no money in music," the average Joe says. "It's a competitive industry. Keep your day job. Music is nowhere near impactful as being a teacher, a healer, a therapist, or really anything else." Yadda yadda yadda. To a certain degree, that's all valid. But I've reached a point in my life where doing anything other than what I'm good at and feel passionate about feels like a waste of time. So if it means going the starving artist path, then so fucking be it. Fortunately, it hasn't been so bad. I've been blessed in so many twisted and peculiar ways. For instance, I was Instacarting at the time of the shooting in 2021, and consequently, the CEO gave me free mental health services as well as a large sum of money. I ended up saving all of that money, so by the time I made my way back home, I had a fat stack to invest in something. Someone offered to rent me an entire house with all of the amenities for a killer rate, and I accepted. I then used all of that saved money to invest in acoustic treatment, a new laptop, plugins, furniture, etc. for a music studio. Be Light Studio unfolded so serendipitously that looking back feels a bit surreal. Since then, I have been teaching myself music production and plan to start an LLC once I get my ducks in a row. I've spent the past year self-producing an album, and as of a few days ago, I finished it. I plan to release it in Mid-October. In between the album, a number of locals have asked me to produce their music, so I already have a growing clientele. For a while, I doubted the whole thing, reverting to my idea of becoming a healer/therapist as I already have a couple of certifications. But joining an orientation zoom call for a master's degree in counseling, I knew immediately that I would hate myself if I pursued that path. Turns out that I've been using those aptitudes in other ways. Maybe I'll write about that in another post. For the past few years, I've worked part-time at a local juice bar. But thanks to all of the live gigs I've managed to book, I am now officially financially independent. I have to live like a monk, but I'm wealthy in freedom. I never thought I'd reach this point. In most of the other parallel realities, I am likely dead by active or passive suicide. But in this reality I'm pursuing my passions and making money from them. Go figure! I could say more, but I don't want this post to be too long, and I need to get my day started. But I feel drawn back to this forum because I feel that in the midst of all of this human stuff, I've lost the plot. I've hit a level of burnout that I've never experienced before, which has caused me to backslide in my habits. I've become addicted to my own adrenaline release, whether with chronic Youtube content consumption, my right hand, or late bedtimes. While I've achieved so much in the past couple of years, I feel like I've lost myself in the process. I've lost that zest to learn more, to push myself towards higher virtue, to stay above the noise. I guess I have a case of spiritual tinnitus. So it's time to turn down the volume on distraction. My hope is that writing, whether here or in my own journal, will get me back on track. My goals for this off-season (i.e. fewer gigs and more time to myself): Replace mindless Youtube content consumption with audiobooks, books, journaling, and songwriting Either write one song or learn one cover song per week Continue working on clients' projects Transition from using my right hand with a screen, to using my right hand without one, to ideally using my right hand only once per week at most Re-acquire my stretching habit and begin to myofascially release my god-awful posture from too much guitar playing Acquire a regular aerobics habit (likely long walks) Re-acquire a regular strength training habit At least eight hours of rest every night, with an ideal bedtime of 10pm and wakeup at 7am I have other goals and more to say, but for now, this will suffice. To anyone who is curious enough to read this — I wish you well!

Suicide is never the answer. It's usually a cry for help.

Suicide bombing, kamikaze strikes.

@Yeah Yeah Sorry the hear about Your situation.. I had a short situation with depression and suicidal ideation back in 2019, it was due to compounded loss, I had a bunch of losses and it just hit me, I didn't want to live sometimes, depressed and not really Me... I took a leave from work, I maintained a routine, I worked out regularly, did my yoga practice (this is what really saved me I think) and went for frequent walks and had 2 counselling sessions a week, and family support(but this weaned as time went on).. A couple of times I called the hot line and went to the hospital...I was on SSri meds for depression and anxiety.. I eventually got out of it, when I decided to move to another city and essentially start over...Now I am perfectly fine emotionally, other than getting pissed off for a few seconds in traffic and the chaos of the city... My advice is this: get a routine, be as physically active as you can, practice Yoga and proper Breathing methods, learn to Accept What is, start small, accept small things and build this up to Accepting everything as it is.. And Practice Now Living, Presence, if You can get this to high degree no stress will happen for You.. Regarding what they say about death and afterlife, I've never died but they say how You are feeling at the moment of physical death is amplified in the afterlife, if Your in fear or suffering then that is what You feel essentially there, opposite is true too, so heaven and hell exist in experience while here embodied and there disembodied... I hope You get better soon:) Namaste!!! p.s. My nephew died by suicide in 2006, it devastated the family, its terrible for the ones left behind trust me, use that to motivate Yourself if You have to when in hard times, use whatever you need to use to get you thru to the next day!!

My Sisters 1st son died by Suicide in 2006, he was only 25yrs old, my sister found him, her 1st son, she called her other son over, they both saw him that way(he hung himself).. I was not living in the city when it happened, I came home for the funeral, my parents where devastated, the whole family was, my Mother was always saying 'Why Why" and everyone felt guilt for not doing something more to help him with his problems.. I moved back home to support my parents, it was a rough time for sure, my Sister was not in good shape for the next few years afterwards, but now things are better, Everyone still remembers and keeps my nephews spirit alive, we had dragon boat teams for 10 yrs in a row after his passing in his honor and other things, but it is a very devastating thing to go thru for sure... What I've learned since then is to never suffer another's suffering, have compassion for other suffering, do what You can to help them thru it, but don't suffer it, pain is there for sure, but don't hang on to the pain, as it will disempower You for the rest of your life.. My Sister started a Suicide Awareness Walk in the area she lives and other initiatives to lower the stigma towards depression and suicide awareness, she took what happened and used to empower herself and others around her, so proud of Her!!

I exaggerated a bit before . anyway, just 1 years in prison sure it's interesting. 25 years what a hell, maybe it's better to die. But honestly, I think I would commit suicide only in case of terminal, degenerative disease, and I would never harm innocent people. But who knows, we don't know what we would be like in extreme circumstances.

Well, for me not exactly. I absolutely hate many things. There are a lot of things that I won't do and I would prefer to die. If it's necessary I would organize a genocidal war and then dance around our impaled and burned-alive enemies. If that's what life expects of me, of course . Or maybe I simply commit suicide, depending