Agrande

Thank you

I started taking it because it was prescribed by my psychiatrist after I was at the brink of suicide at a cliff. I got sent to a psych ward. In hindsight, I think I could have overcome my depression without medication because I forgot how strong thoughts and emotions feel like. I feel like I don't exist basically. But maybe that's a good thing because I see the truth in it. I stopped taking it because it made me too lethargic and it made my body feel weak and after quitting cold turkey, that problem was resolved. I had the most psychedelic visuals that engulfed my field of view after I woke up from dreams during the first 3 days quitting. And dreams got pretty vivid. I know because SSRIs act on serotonin, it also affects the pineal gland. Maybe that played a role in my first awakening somehow. Since taking and after quitting, things just look brighter and almost otherworldly now. A shift in perception most likely happened somehow. Despite the physical side effects of lethargy and weak body gone, I still feel the effects of emotional anaesthesia, poor memory and brain fog here and there but it is certainly getting better when compared to how it was like in the first days of quitting.

I discovered I was diagnosed with this at a young age. To my understanding, PDD-NOS is a euphemism for mild autism. I was socially awkward, anxious and had weird habits that neurotypicals found strange. First impressions people made of me were fine, but the more people got to know me, the more people knew I was not normal. This lead to people distancing from me subconsciously and not talking as much. I wasn't the most entertaining or charismatic either. I wasn't exactly a looker too. Due to extreme feelings of isolation, I eventually attempted suicide at a cliff but of course survival instinct kicked in. But in the moment, I thought that the cliffs looked beautiful with the sunset. I was sort of just engrossed in the beauty of it. Maybe that was the start of my awakening? But long story short, I did get pretty suicidal knowing that I will never be normal. But these days, seeing what normies do, I'm glad to be not normal anyway.

Haha Youtube is pretty boring these days. It's the same old content just rehashed. I went full circle and became a clean slate after years of Youtube addiction. Sometimes you have to go all the way into the addiction and then finally you can let go of it since it has been exhausted... this reminds me of leo's burning karma video.

Tinnitus isn't an issue, but strangely, I randomly get ringing in the ears for like 10 seconds about 2-3 times a day and then it disappears.

I've been on SSRIs, more specifically Prozac, for a whole year and it was an interesting experience. I've been clean for about 6-7 months and I quit cold turkey and I did not experience any withdrawals. A quick rundown of the effects were memory loss, depersonalization, derealization, emotional blunting and blank mindedness. The only way I could describe Prozac is that it acts like an anaesthesia for your emotions and your thinking. Despite being reluctant to take SSRIs, in the end it was my taste test to awakening. Everything started to look brighter, life seemed to have hope again but most importantly, I realized just how damn selfish I was my whole life. I acted like a narcissist. I was so damn self centred and in the end it was my own poison that ruined me. I could never show love to anyone. I was always so distant and I always felt like an outcast. Prozac gave me the inner stability to start showing people I care about them and I love them and Prozac eliminated any trace of social phobia or social anxieties. I finally felt I could be more expressive instead of a close offed introvert that can't be charismatic. I always hated myself for that. I had deep awakenings I think. I kind of know why because SSRIs act on serotonin much like some psychedelics such as LSD and DMT and oddly enough, I experienced hallucinatory visuals while on Prozac. Because of the depersonalization and derealization, it was like an epiphany that nothing is real. Everything seemed like a toy, cartoon world to me. I realized that I never existed. My personality and "me" was just a strange amalgamation of memory, other people's thoughts and other people's personalities. A literal echo chamber of everything that I found myself near. I never knew who I was until awakening. I became pure spontaneity and unpredictability. In the long term, Prozac cleared up my mind of nonsense limiting beliefs, negative thoughts and constant rumination but at the cost of emotional blunting and brain fog. These side effects are definitely possible to recover from though with experimentation with other drugs more specifically dopaminergic drugs. With the influx of serotonin, dopamine definitely got supressed which lead to less motivation, feeling little to no pleasure and less appetite I guess. Appetite for both food and sex. For a while, people looked very strange and as I walked, the motion of objects becoming bigger and smaller also looked strange and otherworldly. It was like some sort of shift in perception. I also wasn't reactive to physical pain like I did before. It didn't affect me as much. Words looked strange, people looked strange, everything looked strange. It was like observing everything from some sort of detached, meta perspective. I never craved anything because I was very numb. Being numb was pretty freeing though. Nothing affected me like how it usually would but at the same time this kind of blocked my empathy. My breathing and heart rate naturally got slower and was not affected by external things that much. Words began to look strange. Things that elicited an emotional reaction did not affect me anymore. This made me see things for what they are without the tinge of emotions, sentimentality and thoughts associated with certain things. It was almost as if I was fearless. It was like I was another being (perhaps the higher self) observing everything. Since taking Prozac, I noticed forehead pulsations between my eyebrows too. Whenever my brow started pulsating, repeating numbers would eerily appear near me. Seen on websites, youtube, every website, in real life, on license plates. I can not escape it. 111, 222, 333, 444, 555, 666, 777, 888, 999, 123, 369, xx:xx, xy:xy, xx:yy (these are for times. replace the x and y with numbers 1-9 and I would've seen it). I don't want to see it but it's there. Since then, I've noticed a lot of strange synchronicities too. It's almost as if I'm in sync with a higher power than myself or a higher intelligence because insights would spontaneously pop into my mind too. It was like I found the constants in the sea of variables finally. I remember quite vividly that in the first 3 weeks of taking Prozac, I was laughing manically but I didn't know what was so funny! Certainly a strange effect. It's like I was laughing because I was finally free from the prison of self. That's all for now.

We think in the context of what we know but reality functions in a way that we don't 100% know therefore we just make approximations, assumptions and expectations about reality that might just be myopic considering the larger perspective

For me there’s two types of suicide one is the one Leo talks about which is initiated by an impure mind and is done based on impure thoughts and out of whack emotions. another type of suicide is just done for the sake of it with no intentions of ‘ending suffering’ but just genuine philosophic contemplation of the unknown state of death and curiously wanting to experience and explore it. In other words, it’s done with a pure mind and not under the influence of your emotions.

It’s interesting how we can only understand things based on what we ourselves constructed and labelled (schools, lessons, learning etc.) From our perspective, it would ‘make sense’ but from the higher perspectives… oh boy it’s probably radically different.

What would their chant or mantra be? id say it will be Hare-Gura Hare-Gura Hare hare Gura Gura

Wish I could buy tech without supporting child labour practices 😢

Yeah, I read the quran again and I recontextualized it and it all seems profound now. I don't get how I blatantly ignored some really good parts of the quran lol

I can't fathom ever going through what viktor frankl did Very strong soul

Gives me nietzsche vibes

This is the most spiritually logical, good