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Sounds weird to say Nothingness/Emptiness is self luminous. God is Self luminous fits nicely. But it’s not even about a fit. What else would you call a supreme being who omniscient, omnipotent, infinite and is responsible for all of Existence? To call this supreme being Nothingness or Emptiness leaves so much on the table. The truth is, there is only one word that captures the magnitude of the power of this thing for humans, and that is GOD. You could walk down the street and ask 100 humans how they comprehend God and it will be centered around some all powerful and all knowing, transcendent being. Even for those that believe God is fake (and yes, that is a belief they haven’t validated) they will still be able to get at the heart of it and accurately point to how other humans comprehend God. God as a belief is false. But there’s a profound difference between belief in God and a direct consciousness and understanding of it. Those who come to understand God have done so through understanding themselves, there is no separation.

You are claiming that consciousness is nothingness. Which is also what I claim. It is also everything. It is also an ordinary object. It is not just some mystical thing that cannot be comprehended.

The nondualists speak from that level of understanding because the truth of no self is illogical to the ego. If you go deep enough in this work you will discover what they are talking about. The only reason the no self awakening is so important is it opens you up to the universe. No self= nothingness. The truth is being does not know anything all it wants to do is be love. Truth knows everything. Truth is division and love is unity. Because love is unity Truth is also unity. The biggest secret you will discover is Reality is pure insanity with an illusion of sanity. You cannot understand God trying to hold onto your sanity. Also you will have to pay for the evil your fellow humans have done in your trips if you hold any negative thoughts about them because love will take their side. The truth is the scariest thing because love is the scariest thing. I mean love is total freedom so it means it can do anything. If it wasn't for truth God wouldn't be good. Love is evil and truth is good.

Science operates on the assumption that everything that exists is physical or can ultimately be reduced to physical processes. According to this view..there is nothing that exists which is not physical. Even phenomena such as thoughts.. emotions..consciousness and dreams are explained in terms of brain chemistry..neural activity and electricity in the brain . this physicalist paradigm is treated not as a conclusion that has been definitively proven but as a foundational assumption underlying modern scientific inquiry. I would like to ask the following questions: 1-Is “nothingness” itself physical? If everything that exists is physical..how should we understand the concept of nothingness? 2-By claiming that all things are physical..does that not indirectly acknowledge the possibility of something non physical ?Can the idea of the physical be meaningful without the possibility of the non physical? 3-What about entities such as ghosts and spirits or demons ..which many people claim to experience? If they exist would they have to be physical entities as well? 4-Dreams at night sometimes defy the laws of physics that govern waking reality..We can fly or change locations or experience impossible events. If dreams are purely physical phenomena generated by the brain..then what set of physical laws governs the dream world and how does it relate to the laws that govern the external world?

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #88~ Mon Jun 1 '26 ~ 2:35 AM Truth Must Exist Truth must exist. It just has to exist. But why though? Why can't there be no Truth to the universe, why can't it just be what it is without any inheritent truth whatsoever. Well, you have this thing, right? This thing, which is reality, thats what we're talking about here, this thing is a thing. How do you describe this thing? how would you describe reality? Try to describe it. I can't. Its too complex. And the reality is subjective, I'd be giving you my take on what reality is for ME, this finite being. Right, but its a thing, without your subjectivity, reality is something, is it not? I mean yeah reality would be here even if I wasn't perceiving it. Do you know that for sure though? No, I guess I'm just assuming. I mean when I'm sleeping, there is no reality. But in reality, there actually is because theres no lapse in my awareness. When I go to sleep, like when I actually fall asleep and lose consciousness, the next thing I experience is either a dream and then I wake up, or I just wake up in my bed. So theres no lapse in my experience of reality actually. I think thats the problem. I keep saying that reality is something out there, like its this material thing, but in reality, reality is right here, its right in front me and it can be explained by the sole fact that I am aware, I am conscious, I am present, I am here. Okay, good job. Now, what is reality, explain it to me. Reality is being aware, its being conscious, its this space in which a human being is able to be aware of what is going on around him. Its the little pocket that comes before the experience happens. And its sooooo damn slippery. Its so hard to grasp onto, but what is there to even grasp. Maybe I need to let go of the desire to grasp onto something, thats the mind trying to hold onto it. Its right there, just become aware of it. Go ahead, just do it... Much easier said than done. This is challenging work but I do feel the progress. Lets go back to the original question, so we understand that reality is right here, its whats right in front of me, and its not the content of whats going on in this persons experience, its the structure behind it, whatever the fuck that is. Its this little pocket that is very difficult to become aware of because of how often our minds are spewing out thoughts. Thats why meditation is so crucial. But yeah back to Truth, why does there have be Truth in this universe? Because again, reality is a thing, and for a thing to be a thing, it has to be made up of something that is true. For something to like really exist, which reality does, it exists, I am experiencing it. And as a matter of fact, reality is all that there is. I have no evidence that reality will end. Therefore itll go on forever and ever and ever. Now this reality that we're talking about, it is a real thing, its actually as real as it gets, you can't go any deeper, I know this, I've experienced it. If this right here is the real deal, then it has to have a true essence. What is that true essence, what is the True essence of reality itself. Its just awareness. I might thats it, thats what reality is. Its awareness. Everything is made up of awareness.... Hold on a minute.. I am looking at a statue of a duck right now, I am aware of whats going on, this is what reality is made up of... and its all that reality is made up of, therefore, that little statue is made up of awareness. But how does that make sense? I am staring at a physical object. A physical object that I can touch. Its a real thing. Yeah of course its a real thing, but is it a duck? NO of fuckin' course not, you made that label up, its not a duck thats just a fuckin word. But I dont understand how a physcial object can be made up of awareness. What else would it be made up of? You just said that reality is pure ever lasting awareness. Thats reality. That duck is within reality, therefore the duck is awareness. It was created out of awareness. And it exists in awareness and as awareness. See this is boggling my mind, how can I look at an object and say thats just made up of awareness. And what even is awareness. Awareness is what makes up the entire universe. Its what I'm experiencing right now. Do you think this actually a hand thats typing on the keyboard. What the fuck is a hand? That word has no metaphysical meaning to it whatsoever. Okay, well then Mr. Smarty Pants, what kind of metaphysical meaning does awareness. Ahhh... good question, it depends how you take it, if you take the word awareness at face value, yes its just a label exactly like the word "hand," but I am using awareness to point towards something. This something that I'm pointing towards is the make up of reality. But I can't explain it using labels. Do you see that? YOU have to become directly conscious of this awareness that I'm referring to and then you will realize that all of reality is made up of this one thing, which is pure awareness. And by the way, there are many names for this thing that I'm talking about, you could call it consciousness or nothingness, it doesn't even really matter, what matters is what the word is pointing towards. Sit on that for a little bit. The Ego (or the Dream State Character) It is important to go out into the real world because this is where your ego is going to show you his hand. Your job in this work is to become aware, to become more and more and more aware until the Truth slaps you in the fuckin' face. In order to do that, you need to see whats in the filing cabinet. What is the ego hiding in there. What is he made of, what makes him tick, what are his deepest and darkest secrets, what are his triggers, what are his fantasies, what does he want. Don't judge him, just experience him fully. And by the way, you are not in control of him. He is going to do what he does. So sit back and enjoy the show. There is a split within my mind: There is Ben, the clumsy, error- prone character who fucks up all the time and makes a fool of himself There is the Protector, the wise and vigilant manager who has to micro manage Ben so that he survives the dance studio, doesn't look stupid in front of girls and pays the rent But don't you see, these two sides of Ben are two sides of the same coin. It is the same ego, it is the same dream character, these are just thoughts, but they are complex and intertwined thoughts and they're more than that, they are an identity. Ben is dumb and clumsy but this is just one bundle of a self image. Theres another way in which he is cool and funny and competent. I feel that way sometimes, or he feels that way sometimes. And then you have this Protector, who feels different than the characters I just explained. It feels like he is on a higher plane, he's watching Ben, he's judging Ben, he's protecting Ben, making sure that theres a filter on before he speaks, making sure that he gets what he wants, making sure that people think highly of him. But this Ben isn't on a higher plane at all, its just more of the same, its another "thought bundle" but this one is judgemental as fuck. Its all the ego, and its not Truth. The ego is trying to play God here when he is in "Protector" mode, but theres nothing he can even control. The protector might as well just sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy the show that is Ben's life. But of course, he can't just sit back because he is just a thought, he is not Truth, therefore he is not real. The entity that can sit back and enjoy the show is the True self and he is this vast open awareness. It is the True self that would actually be looking at the Protector and observing what The Protector is doing. And the Protector and Clumsy Ben belong in a filing cabinet that makes up the ego. This filing cabinet is what I call the ego, or the self- image. There is NOTHING inherently True about it. It is just a hunch, a way for Ben to feel safe and grounded. Will this filing cabinet disappear once Ben becomes Enlightened? No, of course not. The filing cabinet will always be there. But Ben's perception of the filing cabinet will change, he will realize that he is not the filing cabinet at all, the filing cabinet is just a collection of thoughts. Truth Cannot be Communicated This is real spiritual work right here. Spiritual autolysis is a messy process. Writing down what's true is not easy because it's quite literally impossible. The best you can do is write something down that points towards the Truth, but you will never write anything down that is inherently True in it of itself, because Truth is beyond labels and beyond beliefs. And all forms of communication are labels and beliefs and models. They can be useful in pointing you towards an experience, but in it of itself they are useless. Ego Development Now that we're talking about ego development, let's take a quick look at Susan Cook Greuters model of ego development. There is a whole field that is dedicated to this work of developmental psychology that discusses how an ego develops over time. I am well versed in the Spiral Dynamics model and now it's time for me to take a look at Greatur's model. First we have the preconvential section, which is self- centric and is characterized by linear reasoning. Next, we move into the conventional stage in which knowledge based ego starts to develop. The ego is now capable of doing much more than linear reasoning, it is now capable of discovering patterns, looking forward and backwards in time, it is able to know and do more than it could at the pre conventional stage. This stage is comprised of being group-centric, skill-centric and then self- determining before moving into the post conventional stage. Next is the post conventional stage and the transcendent stage which is characterized by real wisdom. An ego at this stage is able to self reflect, understand his or her own biases, it starts to see things with much more depth, it is able to think in terms of systems, and is able to strip away illusions. Within this category are the self questioning, self actualizing, construct- aware and unitive stages. I am the empty void of Nothingness I am quite literally the only person on this desolate planet. Every image inside of my head about my friends and family, all bullshit, not true. I am the only person here. But I'm not a person, I am beyond labels. I have no memory, I have no friends, I have no family, I have no brain, I have to no body, I am nothing but an empty vast space of pure awareness. This is what my true nature is. Let go of the ego, let go of the self image, let go of everything that you hold near and dear and you will realize that you are the one thing that the entire universe is made up of. This must be true because reality only has one Truth, it is made up of one substance and this substance cannot be communicated, but in order to point yourself into the right direction, we're going to call it pure awareness. Pure Awareness is that there is and is all that you are, all that I am. As soon as you start searching for Truth, you are lost. Truth cannot be found because it is already there, it has always been there and always will be. Do not search for Truth. Simply allow Truth to be perceived in your direct experience. Truth does not lie. Truth does not hide itself from you. As a matter of fact, it has no where to hide. It is very important for me to start vocalizing that I DO NOT KNOW TRUTH. What I am doing here is merely attempting to discover what is true by ways of writing down what I believe is true. I do not know what Truth is. I don't. The fact that I am judging others for not pursuing Truth is utter blasphemy when I do not know Truth at all. I haven't even discovered a sliver of Truth. You either have it or you don't. And I don't have it.

Technical: Bodyweight: 140lbs, 6ft Dosage: 75-125ug LSD+5.6g Dried Mushroom Tea Setting: Apartment Room/Solo Mindset: Curious. Grateful. Non-judgemental. Excited. Felt "clean" and ready. However life still has "problems". Trouble at work as well. Financial/medical bill troubles too. Intention: After trying both individually multiple times, I was wanting to explore the combination of the two substances and their potential synergy Summary: 7:00pm 5 hours fasted, 1 tab sublingual 7:50pm dancing in a dream 9:15pm drink mushroom tea 11:30pm? clown therapy 9:00am wake up next day Part 1 (Ingestion/Onset) Weighed and readied the ingredients for mushroom tea on standby in the kitchen. Started a fire in my fireplace (I'm lucky to have this). Turned off all the lights and closed the curtains. Sat cross-legged on my bed with my back supported. Placed 1 gel tab under tongue. 50 minutes of quiet waiting. Sudden grin/laughter... -We're back -We're so back -Crying/heaving/screaming into the pillow -Become a child/elderly again (was always one) -Looked at a photo of my ex and I together and said "I forgive you/I love you" over and over -Played Lemmino music on speakers (best music ever) -Danced like I never danced before (made up some new moves?) -Each step by my feet and each breath is an orgasm -Appreciate the art and paintings on my walls -Sat with legs bent on carpet, start hallucinate. Carpet and room is alive (moderate hallucinate) -Went into kitchen, put together the ingredients and made mushroom tea (5.67g psychedelic mushroom) with ginger, cardamom, clove, cinnamon, and caffeine-free tea bag strained twice (almost couldn't find the strainer, that was funny!) -Start referring to myself in 3rd person, depersonalization occurring -Drank tea slowly at 9:15pm ish -Got a little sad thinking about certain aspects of "my" life (past relationship, struggling porn/phone addiction, societal "problems" of the "world", etc) (sidenote: did I dream the world's problems?) -As I sip the tea, I feel its alien nature flowing down my throat. What a mysterious thing it is to drink a thing (I drink myself??) -I breath, becoming more and more aware of my "aliveness" -I finish the tea and head back to my bedroom to sit. Answers arise... -Sexuality is a part of your nature. DO NOT DENY IT, BUT PRACTICE IT IN A HEALTHY WAY --Took all the "evil" in the world and tossed it in the trashcan (EVERYTHING IS GOOD WITH A CAPITAL G) -There is no other (duh) (and it's fucking hilarious!) Part 2 (Peak) -I BREATH -ALIVENESS is ALWAYS and is peak bliss/pleasure -I think about the alternate then--death (what is it then?) -FUCK THE DEAD (METAPHORICALLY AND LITERALLY) -When EACH BREATH IS THE HIGHEST ORGASM, EACH ONE IS AN ACT OF CREATION (Nothing else compares) -Getting tired, I stop sitting and lay on mattress and look up at ceiling. I raise the hand to the ceiling and it touched! -Hand transforms into primitive mammalian devil hand (it's alien/mysterious) (it's the Hand of God) -Close eyes and have moderate/heavy hallucinations. See infinite little RAINDBOW/INFINITE COLOR SPECTRUM "octopus clowns" splaying their hands forward to me in a prayer like/loving fashion and saying "here you go, this is it, see?". I UNDERSTAND. They touch my mind and it's another ERUPTION of orgasmic bliss **side note: if the reader is curious and would like an approximate visual of what they looked like, search up "mr.creepypasta the showers" on google and it is the thumbnail for the video uploaded on may 22nd. Now imagine that but with infinite rainbow colored octopus tentacles emerging from behind and all around it** -THE MIND/EGO OF "ME" AND GOD (AS A TALL CLOWN/JESTER THERAPIST) TALK IN A ROOM (As I eavesdrop on this talk from outside the door, I see that this tall clown is also, in fact, a demon, and beautiful as fuck) -LITTLE CLOWNS CLOSE THE DOOR (THEY ALL HAVE "JOBS" THAT ARE MOMENTARY, BUT THEY ARE ALL IMPORTANT/GODLY) (THEY LAUGH) I stand up, somehow naked, and see the mess of my room I made. I "tell" me to clean my room. I ask "why clean?" Answer "because all these things are YOU, and YOU deserve to be treated with respect" Oh silly me, of course... The blanket and I have a 1 on 1 therapy session. I love this blanket (SIDE NOTE: WTF IS A BLANKET??) I finally find my PJs and turn of the lights and lay on my bed under blankets in fetal. It feels SOOO GOOOD. You close your eyes and see infinity. Questions arise that become more and more distilled: What is (blank)? What is this? What is? Is? Answer: IS. (Possible answer to everything as far as language allows. THE NATURE OF IS AND THE ANSWER TO IT IS, IS) PERIOD. ON THE PERIOD HINGES LIFE/ORGASM AND GESTURED TO IT BY A LITTLE CLOWN HAHA Why doing? Answer: No doing, only BEING BE. PERIOD. ON THE PERIOD HINGES LIFE/ORGASM AND GESTURED TO BY A LITTLE CLOWN HAHA But then what is to be? Being means to live as fully in the moment and as authentically as you can. It means to be infinitely creative and not copying/mirroring others but rather being YOU. Being YOU/I means to go an unbeaten path. To live your original story however it unfolds. This story is a dream and a loving gift. It is a loving gift because what else is there? There is infinity and there is emptiness/NOTHINGNESS. Both are the same thing in a twisted way. So if you ask, why is there something? But there isn't. And at the same time there is. Going further beyond this is possible but also infinitely mysterious and forever unknown. God can keep understanding itself but never FULLY (because it can keep understanding itself infinitely). It's like...imagine you are hiking up an infinitely tall mountain. Every couple of miles, you stop and look down and you say, "oh wow, so that's what it looks like". But as you keep hiking higher and higher (assuming no end), you can look down and say that every time, again and again. Your understanding can grown higher and higher, and deeper and deeper as you rest at each checkpoint and look back. But it'll never be fully complete because: 1. You are in a form (a human) and therefore only have so many years to live and understand 2. The mountain is infinite, so hypothetically even if you could live forever (which no form will), even then you can still keep hiking up and looking down/understanding, forever and ever. Infinitely. THIS IS NOT WRONG OR BAD. THIS IS PRECISELY THE NATURE OF GOD AND HOW THINGS ARE. IT CAN BE NO OTHER WAY/NO OTHER CONFIGURATION. Any other configuration would not make sense. Infinity is boundless and the universe is thus boundless. Boundless and also made of LOVE (more on that later) Part 3 (Comedown) -FETAL POSITION and I create and perform Spooky Belly Dancing (inspired by the fire earlier!) -I also accidentally invent a new yoga pose (the Possessed Corpse Extension Orgasm Pose) (flex those abdominals and extend the neck!) -The dance that was earlier done on the come-up was very "therapeutic". Perhaps dance (uninhibited), can be a form of going meta/knowing GOD and healing (along with self inquiry, meditation, yoga, psychedelics) -Let's call it DANCE THERAPY! (maybe this already exists haha but who cares) -I close the eyes -I DROOL -RAINBOW/INFINITE-COLOR SPECTRUM OCTOPUS CLOWNS (THEY ARE DEMONS AND THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL, DEAL WITH IT) -In fact, EVERYONE/EVERYTHING has a song and it is BEAUTIFUL! -I sleep -I wake at around 9am Thank YOU for reading, and may YOUR song never end

It depends on what exactly we are talking about. If you mean the temporary ego-mind, it will simply vanish into nothingness. If we are speaking of the mind as source, then it depends. If you have liberated the mind, it will fully remember its true nature. If not, then the projection of the mind will continue in a form similar to the present one.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #87 ~ Fri May 29 '26 ~ 2:46 PM Ive been off from work for the past 4.5 weeks after having open heart surgery. My life has been filled with reading spiritual books, journaling, taking naps, relaxing, and contemplating. Through this process, I've been able to catch glimpses of enlightenment. I have noticed that there is no boundary between myself and the object that I am perceiving (this only lasts a few seconds.) I have also been able to perceive my own self image as a filing cabinet. This filing cabinet is filled with files. The filing cabinet nor the files inside of it are my True Self, it has been constructed by me in order to create groundedness in my perception of reality. What I truly am is a vast and open nothingness, which I have again been able to glimpse for a few moments. I went back into work today just to visit and holy shit, I am sucked right back into a thought - induced state filled with anxiety and mental chatter. It feels a little bit better I guess, I mean I am able to create more separation between myself and my thoughts as I'm able to just observe things (at times), but this was very eye opening. This Enlightenment business is going to become 20x more difficult when I'm back working full time. The only reason I've been able to catch glimpses of it is because I haven't had to work at all for the past 4 weeks. When I go back to work, I'll be busy as fuck with students and other dance ventures, and I am going to get sucked right back into all of the social games that Ben loves to play. Things are going to be more challenging for me on the spiritual front when I go back to work and there's no doubt about it. But I need to go back to work, I have to make money ( I also want to, I do love dancing and I love my students, I love the environment, I love everything about it, but I want to do this job while being enlightened. But I need space away from what I love in order to become enlightened, that's the paradox of it.) so I'm going to have to find a way to pursue both when I do go back to work. My job for the next 3 weeks is to set my life up so that it's organized enough to be successful at my job while being able to spend the necessary time (even if its just 20-30 minutes a day) on the spiritual work. My take on actualized.org is as follows: Leo has done an incredible job of developing a catalog of videos that help the average person contemplate what the True nature of reality is. Listening to one of his videos opens my mind in a way that allows for the capacity for genuine insight. His book list is top notch, I'd say it's even more valuable than the videos, every one of these 5 star books have made a profound impact on my life. Overall, this place has done wonders for my spiritual and personal growth. As I transition myself into a new chapter of independent thinking, I look forward to using his content as a vehicle to open the mind, I am no longer going to take his content in like a sponge. I use the experience of listening to a video as a way for my mind to start getting into a state of not knowing in which there can be genuine insight into the Truth of reality. Now, let's get to how I feel about the forum. I've been on here for at least 2 years. At first, I was very nervous and insecure being on here, I didn't post much and when I did, I was very anxious about it. Eventually, I started posting things regularly and I'm very proud of myself that I was able to summon the courage to do this and now I'm at over 1,000 posts, I'm a veteran on here. With that being said, I have found very little impact on me when it comes to posting on the community forum. I remember getting some good advice about going out and salsa dancing, I remember getting praise for a post I wrote about burning through karma, and I got to practice my spiral dynamics understanding but beyond that, Ive gotten next to nothing as far as impact on my personal growth. I don't know if it's the way this whole thing is set up or it's the people on it or maybe my expectations are way too high. I think I look at how high quality the actualized.org catalog is and I think the forum will give me just as much value but honestly I think I've wasted a lot of time on here. This sounds silly to say because I waste 10x and maybe even 100x as much time on apps like Instagram and YouTube and I really need to start taking a good hard look at that, but nonetheless I have wasted time on here with very little to show for it. The only that is worthwhile to do on here is post my journal entries. I have a spiritual autolysis journal in which I journal about what is truth in a way that digests the self until there is no self left. The work in that journal can be exhilarating. The second journal focuses on the habits and the Disciplines that will be required in order for Ben ( my dream character) to accomplish all of his goals.

That's not what I'm saying, I mean what you described further down. If you're closed off, then you're living in an illusion and life is torture. If you live with openness, then you're not trapped in mental constructs but in harmony with what is, in the flow of life. My point here is not about different locations, but rather about the depth of perception. It would be more like me saying: fear is an illusion and only love is real. I know you'll say, but fear is not an illusion; it's the product of billions of years of evolution. But this evolutionary program is only necessary as long as you perceive yourself as a separate, temporary organism. Okay, yes, what I meant by openness before was complete dissolution. What you mean now is living with an open heart, which I think is the best thing one can do. Total dissolution happens on its own; you can't force it. Why are you now done with psychedelics? I mean, because you recently said it was very beneficial to you. If you say that closeness stems from fear, then that's exactly what I mean when I say that closeness arises from a belief in separation. Why does someone experience fear and close themselves off? Because they perceive themselves as a separate, vulnerable being who needs to protect themselves from the world. For me, formless doesn't mean empty, cold, dead, or nothingness. I'm expressing that absolute reality has no boundaries, shapes, or coordinates in space; it is absolutely free, indefinable. Grace has no physical form; you can't draw a line around it. Yet it is indescribably positive, pure life itself, perfect presence, so good that just a breath of it transforms millions of years of evolution. And in this boundless freedom lies a peace so profound that nothing can disturb it. Yes, I completely agree with you. If the system closes itself off in defense, then I see it as being trapped in an illusion, namely the illusion of separation. Understanding and dismantling this defense mechanism is the daily practice whenever something arises that triggers it.

Guys, I really respect all of you who are putting effort and time into this path such as god realization, the infinite, nothingness, etc. But why wasn't there a god before physical birth? Ok, let's say that physical birth is an illusion and you experience everything via consciousness. Why does an experience only take place while the body is alive? Or let's say that you experience infinite times, or that you are everything. some of you call it infinite consciousness, why are you, and why were you, only conscious of this specific reality while the body is alive? Why do all these realizations come through only when the body exists? Including reincarnation, it is learned through the mind, which belongs to life. So when the mind dies, what will happen to reincarnation? For instance, 99% of you consume psychedelics and realize what god or the infinite is; the body consumes a substance and you have a realization of this stuff. Why were you never conscious of these things before the body existed? So when the body and mind die, what will be left? The mind invents these lofty concepts to try and escape its own expiration date.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #83 ~ Sat May 23 '26 ~ 7:54 AM Okay, so another human being ( or myself) is a real organism, they are a real entity in a relative sense. We can't argue with that. But when looking for Absolute TRUTH, which encapsulates everything inside of itself, that's where relative truths fall flat. For example, this girl that I am thinking of, I can describe her in different ways than another person would describe her. Take the fact that she has blonde hair, someone else might say that it's light brown or dirty blonde and boom there you have it, it's a relative truth. You also have different languages for blonde, in French, it's not called blonde, in Spanish, it's not called blonde, it's called something else... Boom relative truth. So what were trying to do here is write down something that is ACTUALLY true, not something that can be argued or disputed. So what is something that you can count on without a doubt in your tiny little brain? I can count on the fact that I am aware of my current experience. I am HERE. I am present. I am ABLE to see things and hear things, etc. now what I'm seeing can be relative. I could see the color red in front of me, but a blind person just sees black and a color blind person might see orange while I see red. Therefore, the Truth does not lie within WHAT I'm seeing, it lies within the ability to see. This is an abstract notion because there's nothing to grasp onto here. This Truth is boundless, it doesn't have a location and I cannot grasp it with knowledge or intellect, it's just something that is here, right in front of me. But there's something missing, it's as if I understand it conceptually but I'm missing the experience of it. I'm also scared to let go of the relative truths that I hold so near and dear. But do I have to let them go? They're still relative truths. They're not going anywhere... "Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." Honesty: a more honest look at the truth of something is what we're looking for. This goes for anything, try to be as truthful as you possibly can when it comes to your perceptions about reality and the world at large Authentic experience: an authentic experience is what we are after. This authentic experience is awakening, it is enlightenment. In order to get here, we need to exhibit honesty Grounded openness: In order to achieve enlightenment, I must be open to a very real experience of the Truth. This is accompanied by a grounded-ness that grounds us in reality, grounds is in what is True, grounds us in the pursuit of Truth, and also grounds us in the reality that this body, this ego needs to be fed, it needs to survive. For example, I am not going to be open to that grizzly bear maybe being friendly, no... I am grounded in the fact that that grizzly bear is dangerous and I should stay far away from it. Questioning: I am not the voice, I am the space in which the voice is heard. The voice inside of my head, I'm going to call him Ben. He is scared. He is terrified. He thinks that I am trying to kill him. But I'm not trying to kill him, there is space for him in this vast, boundless Truth that I am driving towards like a madman. And I will treat him like a terrified little child. I will coddle him during this trip so that he embraces what his true nature is. This voice is a part of the Nothingness void. He is not separate from it. And I have to integrate him into it with me. The human ego, the personality, the "Ben" character, cannot live in the Absolute. It belongs to the relative world. It thrives in the world of friendships, jobs, hikes, and dogs. But this vast Absolute Nothingness encapsulates absolutely everything, therefore he is part of the Absolute yet he really doesn't belong in a relative sense. I will continue down this path with the utmost devotion. I will give up everything I know and love if I have to. NOTHING matters besides truth. I only pay the rent so that I can pursue Truth. And I will not stop until I get what I came here for. The funny thing is, the relative world continues to rotate even though my perception is that of the Absolute Truth. Do you see that? Nothing is actually going to change in a real tangible sense. Because the Truth is already there, its right in front of you, so what on Earth would change? Further is the name of the game, its not helpful to take a look back at past entries, just keep moving forward, that is all that matters until you reach a special place called "Done." Then I will look back at the journey that I've taken and laugh because the Truth was there all along, so why did it cause such a big fuss? It is eye opening however to see that this dream self does need attention. He is and will always be alive in the relative sense. Just because you understand and perceive things differently doesn't mean that he can be ignored, he still has needs, he needs to eat, he needs to fuck, he needs to pee and poop, he needs to feel fulfilled. I like that you are starting to create separation from him. Because you are NOT him, I mean you are, but you are really something so much bigger and brighter and infinitely more magical than a human being that has limited capabilities, strengths and weaknesses, etc. I am starting to see the limitations of living this way though, of living just for Ben, it is a hollow form of living, one that's thoughts are occupied by girls and petty things that I'm annoyed with. I want my thought patterns to be above that, but I AM NOT settling for some spiritual comforts. NOOOO. I want Truth and I will not settle for anything but. Ben is a real character in this dream state. And he deserves to be loved. He wants love. He wants to feel comforted and he wants to feel fulfilled. He doesn't want to be treated unfairly. He wants to sweep a girl off of her feet. He wants to give one girl the treatment that she so desperately wants and deserves. He wants these things and what when you discover truth, will Ben disappear? No, of course not. It's as if you now understand that the movie that you're watching isn't real. It's filled with actors and special effects. And your culture has taught you to believe that you are the main character. But that's not you're nature in an Absolute sense, in reality you are the light that is projecting what's on the screen. And one of these days you are going to have a direct experience of what that is. I mean it's right here, it's right in front of you, but something is blocking you from seeing it, from experiencing it. Identify what the roadblock is. What is stopping you from seeing the Truth? Well, the key to awakening is having an insight. Having an insight into the true nature of reality. Having an insight requires a state of not knowing. A state of not knowing is a mind state free of beliefs, opinions, and perceptions. A state of not knowing is a state that's focus is on experience and not thoughts or beliefs. Okay, sure but how do we get to this state?

Feedback: I've watched the first 40 videos so far. Found them super valuable, especially the ones addressing foundational concepts (e.g., nothingness,, consciousness) and techniques/practices (e.g., meditation, self-exploration). These shorter tips help clarify some nuances I hadn't yet grasped from YouTube videos.

Spiritual thinkers, yoga scholars, and mystical philosophers have frequently drawn parallels between Helen Keller’s unique sensory experience and Eastern concepts of enlightenment. Thinkers within Vedanta, Buddhism, and modern mindfulness movements often point to her life to illustrate how looking past external sensory input can spark a profound internal awakening. The connection between Helen Keller's life and the concept of Pratyahara rests on distinct psychological and philosophical realities. 1. Pratyahara and Forced Sensory Redirection In the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, Pratyahara is the fifth limb of yoga. It means intentionally drawing energy away from the eyes, ears, and other senses to focus it deep within. Most people struggle for years to quiet external distractions. Keller experienced this sensory boundary automatically because she was deaf and blind. Because her mind could not look outward through sight and hearing, her energy naturally turned inward. This forced her to develop what she called a "mystic sense" or a deep inner sight that made her intensely aware of reality. 2. Keller's Direct Description of the "Awakened" State Keller’s own writings describe her shift into language and self-awareness in terms that mirror Eastern enlightenment: The Void Before Consciousness: Before learning language, Keller described herself as an "unconscious clod of earth" living in a "no-world" of nothingness without a defined ego, will, or intellect. This state closely mirrors discussions on the unawakened mind in Eastern philosophies. The Flash of Awakening: She explicitly called her famous breakthrough at the water pump a "mental awakening" and a soul-liberating revelation. The Reality of Pure Awareness: She wrote, "The world to which I awoke was still mysterious; but there were hope and love and God in it, and nothing else mattered." Eastern scholars view this as a classic description of shifting from sensory illusions to pure, undisturbed awareness. 3. Spiritual Frameworks: Swedenborg vs. Eastern Thought While Keller's experience fits the description of Eastern mindfulness, she understood it through a Western spiritual lens. As an adult, she became a devoted follower of Emanuel Swedenborg, a Christian mystic. The table below compares how Keller's experiences align across Western mysticism and Eastern philosophy: Ultimately, Keller showed that human consciousness does not need sight or hearing to achieve deep peace, intense focus, or a radiant sense of joy.

We really know nothing or very few about the deep physics of the universe. Where does energy come from? What is a particle? Supposedly, a local excitation in a field of reality that has energy. What is a field of reality? Why does the cosmic void have constant fluctuation? Why are the laws of the universe precise and seemingly immutable? Is it possible for energy to appear from nothing? Although, as far as we know, nothingness doesn't exist, there is always virtually infinite fluctuation. Is a big bang a fluctuation of the void? Last theories affirm that the energy of the universe is zero, because gravity would be negative energy, and that everything that exists is a mathematical equation that happens because it's possible. Lets say that we are like in the time of Galileo but with more information. Maybe Galileo had the 0,0000001 and us the 0,00001, to say anything

Continuing. The person is not real. This does not mean that the person does not appear. It means that no independently existing person can ever be found. The person is a maintained appearance. And the maintenance happens through belief. Not intellectual agreement, but participation. Taking the person as real. Participating in the stories that continuously recreate it. The person is maintained through: identification, emotional reinforcement, anticipation, social reflection, bodily distinction, narrative continuity, participation in self-stories. There is no separate entity underneath these processes maintaining them. The maintenance itself creates the appearance of the person. The self is not something that has stories. The self is the storytelling. The self is not something that participates. The self is participation itself. Belief is what gives the person apparent reality. The more the stories are taken as real, the more solid and independent the person appears. The less conscious the participation becomes, the more absolute the self feels. This is why the person feels threatened by observation. Observation reveals the movement maintaining the appearance. The more conscious the participation becomes, the less independently real the person appears. This is also why all suffering is ultimately tied to survival. The person survives by maintaining distinction: me and not me, inside and outside, self and world, subject and object. But existence itself only happens relationally. Nothing exists independently. Everything dissolves into relation, process and appearance under sufficient observation. So the person is trying to survive as something fundamentally impossible: an independently existing thing. This is why the separate self is inherently unstable and compulsive. It must continuously recreate itself because it has no independent existence of its own. And this is the great reversal. The person cannot truly survive by strengthening itself. It survives most deeply by disappearing. Not physically. Ontologically. By releasing belief in the self-stories, by no longer taking the maintained appearance as independently real, the apparent separate self starts dissolving. The boundaries weaken. The compulsive distinction between self and totality weakens. And what remains is not annihilation, but reality without separation. This is why so many traditions speak of death. Not because death is glorified, but because the separate self cannot survive realization of its own unreality. The “death” is the collapse of false independent being. And paradoxically, this is true survival. Because what survives is no longer: the isolated character, the maintained appearance, the narrative identity. What remains is the totality itself, which was never separate in the first place. The essence of the person is the same as the essence of the whole: not a thing, not a substance, not an independently existing being, but open, living nothingness. This is why the final realization is not that the person becomes God. It is that the person was never there to begin with.

This is correct except for the term emptiness. The foundation of reality is the absence of limitations, that is not something, but neither nothing. It's the fact of being unlimited, or having no limits, but the word "nothingness" or "emptiness " doesn't point to the real nature of reality, "everything" would be much more accurate. In spirituality the word emptiness is used due Buddhist tradition, where an empty mind is considered true and a full mind maya, but this is just Buddhist bias. An empty mind is a pre requisite to open oneself to the unlimited, that is full because it's absolute potential. Then using the word empty is just confusing and really it's false, because it doesn't point to the true nature of reality. Unlimited would do much better.

I think part of the difficulty here is that I am not trying to derive metaphysics from abstract reasoning alone, nor am I speaking merely psychologically. I am trying to speak about metaphysics through direct observation of experience itself. The problem is that when something this fundamental is discussed, the mind immediately pulls it into a privileged framework: - psychology, - biology, - physics, - spirituality, - logic, - systems theory, - theology. Then the insight becomes interpreted as being "about" that domain. What I am pointing at is prior to all of them because all of them already appear within experience. This is why I keep returning to observation itself. When something is observed carefully enough, its apparent independent reality starts collapsing. Not because thought destroys it, but because the mind initially presents things as more self-existing and separate than they actually are. A thought appears independently real until inspected. The self appears independently real until inspected. A process appears independently real until inspected. Even "being" appears independently real until inspected. And under sufficient observation, everything dissolves into: - relation, - dependence, - appearance, - distinction, - movement, - context. No final thing can be found anywhere. This is not a logical trick or conceptual game. It is directly observable. That is why I keep insisting on looking rather than merely thinking. And this is also why I use the word "nothingness", even though it is easy to misunderstand. Not because there is no appearance, but because no independently existing thing can be found within appearance. The fact that everything comes apart under observation is not an unfortunate limitation of the mind. It is the revelation itself. Reality is not hiding somewhere behind appearance as a final substance. The impossibility of final ontological closure is precisely its nature. And this does not reduce the aliveness of reality in any way. Quite the opposite. If reality could finally crystallize into some fixed independently existing thing, it would become limited by it. Closed. Exhausted. Finished. But because no final thing can be found, reality remains inexhaustibly alive. Open. Moving. Revealing itself endlessly without ever collapsing into dead substance. Its emptiness is precisely what makes it alive.

It's a line of profound contemplation, much closer to reality than invoking a dreaming god as a deus ex machina, but the fact is that if there is a "substance" to what appears, it is the fact of being, and this being is a consequence of the limitation that reality is. You could say that being is not something concrete, but it is. Reality cannot not be because it is not limited, so relative motion occurs without origin. You could say that the ultimate substance of this relative motion is emptiness, nothingness, but the fact is that this limitless relative motion is substance itself. It is the totality. Absolute emptiness is the ultimate door to absolute fullness; it is not something rational but an opening that occurs within you through which the totality is revealed. And for this to happen you have to open yourself to the absolute void.

Empty space or blank screen are something. Nothingness is non being, no space, no process, no relationship, no change. Saying that unlimited relative change is nothing make no sense, because it's relative change. Nothingness is non existence, and precisely doesn't exist

Well that's just your opinion about what is false or true. Anything that exists is a process, nothing is stable. If for you process are false, then what is true? Nothingness? Nothingness is precisely nothing, it's impossible, because there are not limits, then reality is precisely everything Nothingness means just absence of anything, and it doesn't exist, because there is something: unlimited relative change. What reality is is being, that has not opposite, and it's manifestation is relative change. In fact being is relative change.

If something is made, manipulated, undergoes a process, change, then it is not being, it is becoming something. If something has no existence of its own, then it is existentially false. It's existence is conditioned, it is predicated upon something else. It is relative. Everything that exists is like this. Nothingness is the nature of existence. It cannot exist. It is not a container of reality, as the container of reality would have to exist to contain it. Still, reality is not contained, as where would the containment go? Containment of reality has to be un-real. Not sure if I communicate this clearly. While it is true that we can represent nothingness conceptually, nothingness is not a concept. It is not (at all). There is a realization to be had, where nothing is called not-a-thing, a category different from things that can be experienced. Most traditions call it the absolute for this reason.

Why a process is false? It's real, as a process. Anything that exists is a process, reality manifest as change, without change there is nothing. Nothingness or emptiness is not the container of the reality, it's just an idea that doesn't exist. What reality is is unlimited being, that is manifested as permanent change, very simple.

Thanks for the suggestion. Today I spent some time reading about the life and thought of Ramakrishna. He was a true mystic, vital, humble, joyful, who loved people and life. A man open to the absolute. That sounds like real openness and a serious path that has reached a point where things are no longer just a possibility, but a reality. I suspect that if you've gotten this far, it's because life has put you between a wall and a sword . We, the civilized, are not like those in Ramakrishna's time, when mystics sometimes flourished in environments where depth and the sacred were palpable in everyday life. Today, those of us who are drawn to mysticism do so because at some point life places us in a desert where there is absolutely nothing authentic, beautiful, or valuable. Like rats in a maze, we search for the way out. In my case, more than form or formless, what I would say happens is that my system loses its contraction, and reality is perceived as alive, limitless, joyful, luminous. But I want to go further. The thing is, I've managed to go from a, let's say, horrible state to an expansive, clean joyful stable state, without rumination, with a high capacity for connection, in something like 5 or 6 years of real focus on inner openness. But my intuition tells me there's more, that here and now reality is available to reveal its deepest face. Last week I started using psychedelics again; it had been more than a year since I'd done so. Specifically, DMT. The experience with DMT for me is quite horrible: reality becomes an empty black hole. There is no hallucinations, no self, nothing at all, just emptiness, nothing, for 10 minutes. It's not a living nothingness; it's simply nothing in the sense that there is just black without limits a d without any form and without any life. Then at night I return to that state of total emptiness several times. I do this several days in a row. Before, this was profoundly destabilizing, but now not so much. It seems to me a way of softening the perceptual field, of making the energy field more tenuous. In the end (at least it used to be this way in the past), on one of those trips, the void opens and the totality is revealed. It's something that can't be thought or remembered; it's another frequency of perception or being that I can't evoke. Violating the gates of heaven seems somewhat arrogant and violent, but on the other hand, it's too tempting to don't try to do. Lets see if It can be useful to make easier the openess to the absolute or not. In the past my goal was over all breaking my sick structure because if felt bad. Now it's to open my self to what is, because I want to.

There is another step to this. Things do not exist the way they appear to. Everything you can point to is activity pretending to be a thing. A self is activity. A thought is activity. Fear is activity. Personality is activity. A relationship is activity. A nation is activity. Even the body is activity. They look stable only because the process is continuous. A flame looks like an object but it is burning. A whirlpool looks like a thing but it is flowing. The self looks permanent but it is being continuously recreated every moment through mental activity. This is why the mind is exhausting. The mind is doing. Constantly: - maintaining, - comparing, - remembering, - anticipating, - defending, - justifying, - correcting, - becoming. The self is not something that exists. The self is something that is being done. And this is why it feels unstable under observation. Because when the activity weakens, the thing weakens with it. People usually think they are afraid of losing something they have. In reality, they are afraid that the activity maintaining the character will fail. They are afraid of dissolution. This is why silence feels so strange. Without constant mental movement, the character starts disappearing. The mind immediately starts doing again: - thinking, - fantasizing, - worrying, - remembering, - planning. Anything to keep the structure going. And this is where the deepest confusion happens. People think that "being" means existing as a thing. But all things are unstable. All things are temporary. All things require maintenance. In that sense, all things are existentially false. They appear self-existing but they are not. They are processes. Meanwhile nothingness, emptiness, the not-a-thing all things appear within, does not need maintenance. It does not continue itself. It does not defend itself. It does not become. It does not resist dissolution. Because dissolution itself happens within it. This is why "nothing" cannot disappear. It is not a thing among things. It is the openness all things happen within. Mind is movement away from this. Mind is doing. Mind is becoming. Awareness itself is already still before the mind starts moving. This is why no achievement finally satisfies the self. The self is made out of continuation. It survives by moving toward the next thing. The moment one story finishes, another one starts immediately. The self is a machine that turns being into becoming. Most people are never at rest because they are continuously recreating themselves through mental activity. They think this activity is what they are. But you can observe it directly. Sit still and watch. The mind starts doing.

one last thing i would like to say.. i lost connection with my brain! (feels like) i think i have alot to say.. but i cant say for sure what is true anymore. btw its funny how to say, Einstein is so wrong! (witnessing telekinesis is something- i think my inner child did it!-and wanted to) (maybe the correct thing to say is.. there was no Einstein in the first place!) wow i really couldn't solve my problems in the same way i created them - (neither Einstein himself could- spend his all life trying) (i got a taste of what going meta feels- is a very good step forward- should explore more) anyway .. sorry to those who feel offended.. like Leo and UnbornTao and chatgpt things for me will turn very wow from now on fully healed .. for sure!.... not sure!.... i guess so i am deeply worried that i don't have free will(even thoughts*)(basically Nothing at all) and things role out like a fake interactive movie. *witnessing my thoughts synchronize with some events on tv ... is something talking to my mother on phone and make her glitch at will (also made the tv news presenter glitch.. i played something funny in my mind .. and she flash smiled .. replayed the footage.. the smile was there, its still in the archive) (after 2 hours .. someone through an egg my door).. looks like im not alone after all) - this happened 3 years ago ....... i know that the point is not to be superman..... all my "powers" are "gone".... just grounding now (didn't know what grounding means when i first started posting here) anyway at least i feel no stress! looks like heading to nothingness is wise thanks.. and one last thing to lordfall... one time got the chance to meditate (20years ago, when i first took antipsychotics and antidepressants).. what happened? ... big shift.. felt free of illness ..and free of acrophobia... and a need to jump from the 3rd floor balcony... luckily i didn't recognize those feeling as "mine").. after 10 minutes ..back to false self) so many things.. lost for so many years...wow no psychedelics involved - viewer discretion in advised . . . i guess my existential awakening is compete... i ll move to spiritual soon ... because i can ( should lose the I first) it looks ... anyone who have something to say ...anytime.. and anyplace... have not realized how stupid it is and how fool make themselves(me included)... . . goodby psychiatrists all over the world... you are full of shit . . the next episode should be a true mystery! ... better stay grounded with all my "will" . . one thing i asked god 4 years ago... to replay all my shity life in 2-3 seconds in my mind... showed that is possible! (this was one of many things that eventually burned)... i don't think i am ready yet though... i have to be REALY grounded i guess, or somehow i don't know yet maybe i should consider the use of psychedelics, when i feel is the right time - maybe not - where is everything heading anyway? better be grounded as a turtle , or sky rocket? good question! (should i bite the apple?) omg what a drama! . . is EVERYTHING an after death experience? , looks way too unreal!... i should define real fist! if you are still with me ... you should blame youtube for popping Leos videos one year ago in me! - or blame those who clicked like and subscribe (- great timing btw-)