Search the Community

I'll copy and paste something I posted here last week, as a bunch of it is applicable to you, too. Do not freeze them; the ice crystals will ruin the cell structure and turn them to slime. Get yourself a cheapie food dehydrator at Walmart and dry the whole mushrooms until they are as dry as a cracker. You want them dry enough that they break very easily, without any bending needed. Cracker dry. They're then ready to use or store. To store, just get an air-tight Mason jar (more than one jar, if you have a big crop), put a dessicant pack in it and store it in a cool, dark place for up to a year or two. As far as dose, here comes the pasted post from last week. Take what you can use from it....... Yeah, if 2g didn't do much, I'd just say the heck with it and go with the famed "Heroic Dose" which is 5g dried, but if 4g sounds less frightening, then do that. Whatever method you use, do it after fasting for 6 hours. Food in your stomach will delay the effects and increase your chance of feeling nauseated or throwing up. Some folks love doing mushroom tea, but it never works as well for me as actually consuming the mushrooms. I got fed up with the tea method after raising the dose again and again and still not getting the effect of eating them, so I'm done with that intake method, but there's not much to it: heat up 1 or 2 cups of water (however much you'd like to drink), put the hot water in a coffee mug, finely grind up your bone-dry mushrooms in a coffee grinder until it's like baby powder, empty out a couple regular tea bags and then add the mushroom powder to the empty bags and let them steep in your mug of hot water for 20 minutes, squeezing the bags from time to time to ensure that the actives in the mushrooms are getting into the water.....and drink it. That's straight mushroom tea. The method I've found to work better than any other is to grind up the mushrooms as described before, put them in an empty coffee mug, add 2 ounces of real lemon juice, stir it up a few times while 20 minutes passes.....and drink it all down at the 20-minute mark. This is called the Lemon Tek method. It's nasty-lookin' shit, with a taste to match, and you might have to do it little by little to keep from gagging, which is why I keep the volume of what I need to drink to a minimum. The lemon juice activates or potentiates the psilocybin, making the trip start faster than other consumption methods. It's thought that the citric acid in lemon juice converts the psilocybin into psilocin, a process which would happen in your body anyway, even without the lemon juice, but since the lemon juice does it while the mushrooms are in the mug, your body doesn't need to bother with it, thus making the effects appear faster. I always do my psychedelic journeys alone at home. If you have a very trusted friend who's willing to sit in a different room and only tend to you if you call out for them, that's OK too. You definitely want some privacy, though. I talk outloud, chant, sing and all sorts of shit that would be disturbing to a sober person in the house, especially if they're unfamiliar with seeing someone on a therapeutic dose of psilocybin. Having a newbie tripsitter is NOT advised. It would be a new experience for you both, and you want at least one of you to have an idea of what's going on. "What to do" during a trip: I like to meditate in the dark after I drink my mushrooms, and I keep doing that even while I can feel the trip starting. Don't worry about not getting deep enough into meditation; if you're like me, you'll be too jazzed up to get as deep as during a regular meditation session. The point is just to calm your mind in preparation for the experience. When it becomes difficult to continue meditating after the trip starts, because of what I'm seeing (eyes always closed), hearing and feeling, I talk to the mushroom, expressing my gratitude, asking for its help, its guidance and frankly, its mercy. Might be kooky to do that, but I'm not at all convinced that mushrooms aren't a doorway into another dimension, accompanied by some kind of alien intellect. It's not necessary to believe what I believe as far as the alien intelligence goes, but you DO have to surrender yourself to it and acknowledge that you're in the direct presence of something that has it in its power to beat you up mentally if you're too cocky about it and try to exert control over it. That's what I like about the higher doses - they automatically put you in the passenger seat. At low doses, your ego is very much intact and it is petrified to relinquish control. Low doses can be a lot more challenging than higher doses for that very reason; your ego can fight and kick around and cause something of a rotten trip. Your ego is ushered into a waiting room in some ways during a 5g+ trip, and you are more apt to just lay there and surrender, which is when the mushroom can stretch out and do the driving. That's not to say that you for sure won't have challenging periods on a therapeutic dose; you sure may, but it's all a part of it. It's Yin and Yang. When I have a rough time, I fall back on Terence McKenna's advice of sitting up in bed and chanting or singing. It oxygenates your brain and can really free up a mental log jam. The last trip I had, I got stuck early on, started chanting and even after I felt better, I kept up with the chanting for 2 full hours because it felt so good and needed for some reason. I didn't know from one moment to the next what sounds were going to come out of my mouth. It was as liberating and cathartic as anything I've done in my almost 50 years on earth. Anyway, your fear is normal and GOOD. It signifies that you're serious about it and that you understand that you'll have to drop the reins and surrender to something very different than you've ever experienced. Again, you will still be you afterward. Even while it's happening, you'll still have the ability to go to the restroom, drink water and such, although you should stay in bed as much as possible. If you're like most people, the trip comes in waves. There will be times when the surf's up and all you can do is stay put and absorb what it's showing you, but there will also be low-tide times when you can go pee, drink some water or whatever for a couple minutes before the tide returns. I usually have 3 solid hours of heavy tripping before it begins to leave, but don't plan on leaving the house or doing anything too normal for 6 hours. If you can summon the courage to do this, it'll likely rank among the most important and profound activities you have ever engaged in. The potential for personal growth in such a short timeframe is completely unparalleled. All it takes is true courage, curiosity and an explorer's sense of adventure.

@MM1988 She predicted I would win a major pending legal case. There was no way she could have known I had a major pending legal case. She told me, "Don't worry. You will win it." And so I did, a year later. Real psychics do WAY more than cold-reading. They actually have paranormal powers. The nature of paranormal powers is that they are intuitive and therefore vague. While there may be some scammers, the whole "scammers" thing is overstated. That's just an excuse the materialist paradigm must make because that model of reality cannot account for any paranormal phenomena. After the levels of consciousness I've experienced, to me, anything paranormal looks quaint and quite normal. I have experienced things that are more radical than getting anally probed by an alien. So if an alien ever tries to anally probe me, at least I can think to myself, "Well, at least this is still not as radical as a 5-MeO-DMT breakthrough."

@General 2 i picked up the guitar at 22 which is quite late i suppose expecting almost nothing from it but a few years later i was playing sweet child of mine with a band, improvement keeps coming and coming now almost 30 i plan to get in 10000 hours more in the next 10 years and by then i want to be a master level guitarist by age 40 lets say. And seeing from my own progress that is not even an unrealistic goal as long as i get the hours in. I think with enough will almost nothing is impossible except maybe in sports if u want to become a world champion in u need to start young, other then that i don't know. But u need to get your habits in order absolutely i do believe that, u need total control and agency and maximize your energy and time available, work less if u can, cut off people that contribute nothing to your well being, get your finances under control and become financially independent. Without all that in place i cannot see myself completing my goals either. Besides that dive into the theory of mastery i think that is extremely important because if u never accomplished something extraordinary when u were younger u might not know the mechanics of mastery the whole concept of it might be alien to you, most adult people i know can't comprehend this, they just have the idea that there are talented people and they themselves are not talented and they are dead wrong, our whole culture is anti mastery, so this book might help ive read it twice now its really good. http://index-of.co.uk/Social-Interactions/Mastery - The Keys To Success And Long-Term Fulfillment - George Leonard.pdf

You're very welcome. I love talking about this. Yeah, if 2g didn't do much, I'd just say the heck with it and go with the famed "Heroic Dose" which is 5g, but if 4g sounds less frightening, then do that. Whatever method you use, do it after fasting for 6 hours. Food in your stomach will delay the effects and increase your chance of feeling nauseated or throwing up. Some folks love doing mushroom tea, but it never works as well for me as actually consuming the mushrooms. I got fed up with the tea method after raising the dose again and again and still not getting the effect of eating them, so I'm done with that intake method, but there's not much to it: heat up 1 or 2 cups of water (however much you'd like to drink), put the hot water in a coffee mug, finely grind up your bone-dry mushrooms until it's fine like baby powder in a coffee grinder, empty out a couple regular tea bags and then add the mushroom powder to the empty bags and let them steep in your mug of hot water for 20 minutes, squeezing the bags from time to time to ensure that the actives in the mushrooms are getting into the water.....and drink it. That's straight mushroom tea. The method I've found to work better than any other is to grind up the mushrooms as described before, put them in an empty coffee mug, add 2 ounces of real lemon juice, stir it up a few times while 20 minutes passes.....and drink it all down at the 20-minute mark. This is called the Lemon Tek method. It's nasty-lookin' shit, with a taste to match, and you might have to do it little by little to keep from gagging, which is why I keep the volume of what I need to drink to a minimum. The lemon juice activates or potentiates the psilocybin, making the trip start faster than other consumption methods. It's thought that the citric acid in lemon juice converts the psilocybin into psilocin, a process which would happen in your body anyway, even without the lemon juice, but since the lemon juice does it while the mushrooms are in the mug, your body doesn't need to bother with it, thus making the effects appear faster. I always do my psychedelic journeys alone at home. If you have a very trusted friend who's willing to sit in a different room and only tend to you if you call out for them, that's OK too. You definitely want some privacy, though. I talk outloud, chant, sing and all sorts of shit that would be disturbing to a sober person in the house, especially if they're unfamiliar with seeing someone on a therapeutic dose of psilocybin. Having a newbie tripsitter is NOT advised. It would be a new experience for you both, and you want at least one of you to have an idea of what's going on. "What to do" during a trip: I like to meditate in the dark after I drink my mushrooms, and I keep doing that even while I can feel the trip starting. Don't worry about not getting deep enough into meditation; if you're like me, you'll be too jazzed up to get as deep as during a regular meditation session. The point is just to calm your mind in preparation for the experience. When it becomes difficult to continue meditating after the trip starts, because of what I'm seeing (eyes always closed), hearing and feeling, I talk to the mushroom, expressing my gratitude, asking for its help, its guidance and frankly, its mercy. Might be kooky to do that, but I'm not at all convinced that mushrooms aren't a doorway into another dimension, accompanied by some kind of alien intellect. It's not necessary to believe what I believe as far as the alien intelligence goes, but you DO have to surrender yourself to it and acknowledge that you're in the direct presence of something that has it in its power to beat you up mentally if you're too cocky about it and try to exert control over it. That's what I like about the higher doses - they automatically put you in the passenger seat. At low doses, your ego is very much intact and it is petrified to relinquish control. Low doses can be a lot more challenging than higher doses for that very reason; your ego can fight and kick around and cause something of a rotten trip. Your ego is ushered into a waiting room in some ways during a 5g+ trip, and you are more apt to just lay there and surrender, which is when the mushroom can stretch out and do the driving. That's not to say that you for sure won't have challenging periods on a therapeutic dose; you sure may, but it's all a part of it. It's Yin and Yang. When I have a rough time, I fall back on Terence McKenna's advice of sitting up in bed and chanting or singing. It oxygenates your brain and can really free up a mental log jam. The last trip I had, I got stuck early on, started chanting and even after I felt better, I kept up with the chanting for 2 full hours because it felt so good and needed for some reason. I didn't know from one moment to the next what sounds were going to come out of my mouth. It was as liberating and cathartic as anything I've done in my almost 50 years on earth. Anyway, your fear is normal and GOOD. It signifies that you're serious about it and that you understand that you'll have to drop the reins and surrender to something very different than you've ever experienced. Again, you will still be you afterward. Even while it's happening, you'll still have the ability to go to the restroom, drink water and such, although you should stay in bed as much as possible. If you're like most people, the trip comes in waves. There will be times when the surf's up and all you can do is stay put and absorb what it's showing you, but there will also be low-tide times when you can go pee, drink some water or whatever for a couple minutes before the tide returns. I usually have 3 solid hours of heavy tripping before it begins to leave, but don't plan on leaving the house or doing anything too normal for 6 hours. If you can summon the courage to do this, it'll likely rank among the most important, and profound activities you have ever engaged in. The potential for personal growth in such a short timeframe is completely unparalleled. All it takes is true courage, curiosity and an explorer's sense of adventure. I sure wrote a shit of a lot there. I hope you read it all and find it useful.

@Shin I socialize a lot but you're right that it's mostly the same group of people in which I'm not really interested in dating any of the women. It's probably always a good idea to just do some of those basic personal development things aswell. Kind of easy to forget about those when you're busy meditating in hopes of encountering alien mantis people or getting kicked out of the library for pulverizing and snorting all of their books in hope of some new insight on how to best move towards your life purpose. But yeah tell me about it. I feel like the biggest thing I'd enjoy in a relationship would be the proper disillusionment with the idea that it would make me happy. Because I understand it intellectually but I probably have plenty of gunk in my subconscious that I probably only could clear out with first hand experience.

This is the intention - your intention - to experience being Alien, you had to employ a mechanism which prevents you from knowing you are God. God is so intelligent, that God can even not know God is God. What the actual fuck man. ?This is how you get to experience the reversal of this. As convincing as it is, that you are Alien, a body & brain, etc - because you are God, there can not be a perfect “convincing”. The illusion is God, and therefore so many breadcrumbs and and tracks had to be covered, hidden. What an adventure the rediscovery is!!! I mean, seriously, can you even believe it!!? The truth of no history covered with the illusion of time, the truth of no birth covered with the illusion of a developing ego, the truth of no life covered in illusion of death, the truth of no death covered by the illusion of alive. The truth of light covered in the illusion of dark. The truth of the “superposition” covered with drywall!!! LOL. The genius of it is just ineffable. ? It can only be explained, with silence - with fucking silence ahhh haha haha Can you even imagine something that can make something which is nothing out of it’s very self which is it’s self and has no idea it is it’s self and appears to nothing as something while it is nothing?!?! Seriously, just seriously, what the actual fuck. That is impossible except that it IS! ?

@Alien It's a prerequisite of being alive. Nature is brutal. It will kill you really quickly if you're not selfish. At least to start with. Later selflessness can emerge upon the foundation which selfishness built. The problem is, people really take life for granted. Life is such an amazing phenomena! How a creature is able to stay alive for 10, 30, or 70 years is totally remarkable and baffling! It's no easy feat of engineering. Ego was the solution to that engineering challenge.

Hi everyone, I want to share my store about my kundalini/spiritual awakening because I really don’t know what to do anymore and I think I really need some serious help or advice. I’m 28 now. I’m a male from small town in Poland. I used to have suicidal thought since I was probably 17/18 years old. At the end of January 2015 (it was around 100 days after I stopped masturbating and watching porn, I had been really addicted to them) there was a day that I started to feel terribly exhausted. I could feel like my muscles around my spine started to loosen up and moment later I just felt like my whole body just gave up. Suddenly I felt electric rush from the bottom of my spine to my head. My heart started pounding like crazy. I got up and after few minutes it just calmed down. After few hours I found information that it could be kundalini. I don’t think I had ever met this term before that day. So in May 2016 I went vegan. In the middle of June I noticed that I got really bad eye floaters. It really freaked me out. I was really scared and all I did was searching internet to find some kind of cure. I found out that I got these floaters because I had been taking B2 in big amounts and it can be toxic and can cause floaters. I also found some anecdotal evidence that going for a prolonged fasting can cure floaters. So I decided to go for at least 20 days fast. I did it and it actually didn’t help at all. For 20 days I drank only water. 2 days after I ended my fast I got really bad panic attack. Next day I called my mom and she took me back to my hometown. I moved back to my parents house. Whole January 2017 was really weird and spiritual experience. At least 2 nights a week I had some kind of clearing that I couldn’t control but was fully aware. I didn’t meditate or anything. Usually next day I felt really orgasmic and awesome. Many times especially when it was dark I was seeing white sparkles at the corners of my eyes. I was waking up almost every night between 3-5 AM and I was feeling that some kind of bad entities were watching me. I read a lot of spiritual material. I think it was the first month that I absolutely devoted all my time to kundalini, to work with it. At the beginning of February 2017 I had some downs. It was a really bad and intense time of my life. It was like almost every day I was just laying down in my bed and the thoughts of past bad deeds were coming to me. There were different kind of experiences during next 3 months. For example in the times where I couldn’t eat and drink I had this urge to spit a lot of saliva. I had heart palpitations. I could see energy. I could see light when I was closing my eyes. I had the feeling that I have to concentrate on my 3rd eye. I had headaches. I felt pressure in my forehead and on the crown of my head. I had ringing in the ears. I felt that world is going through big change. I was thinking about spirituality and how world should look like almost all the time. I always had to get to the right answer. After bad days there were coming also good days were I started feeling this sexual orgasmic feeling. When I felt like that I usually fitted my thoughts into this feeling. I had really weird sexual fantasies. During that time I was really anxious about everything. And there came the May of 2017 that was absolutely insane. I started to think about other people and things that I did to them. After dealing with my relations with people for two days I was completely exhausted. It was evening I was laying in my bed when suddenly I felt like my body just can’t go on. Despite all the adrenaline, my body just completely loosen up. I felt this energy that was going from my crouch into my head through my spine. My heart was pounding like crazy. It wasn’t like my previous kundalini experiences. I was completely awake and terrified. It was almost midnight. My thoughts were racing. Suddenly I started to have thoughts that I have to go outside. I started having these thoughts that I have to go the certain spot in the forest and that probably my “alien” family will be there waiting for me (this was probably from everything I read about whole earth awakening. It is said that creatures from space gathered here, now to help and earth move into higher plane). They weren’t there. After a while I started to have thoughts that I should hitchhike and go to some kind of drug addict facility and volunteered there (these thoughts probably appeared because of all the biblical texts about selfless servings to others). I had these thoughts to just leave everything now and go there in the middle of the night. I was terrified. I was considering hitchhiking if any of the cars were passing me by. I came back home. These thoughts about volunteering where vanishing but I still had these feeling, pounding heart and energy. I started having thoughts about making a big barbeque party for all my neighbors. I started to have these thoughts that were forcing me to make it as fearful as it can be for me. I was fighting these thoughts for hours. I couldn’t sleep. About 11 AM these feelings and thoughts started to vanish. Also the energy. I think I went to sleep around noon and slept for 2 hours. After I woke up I didn’t want to do it anymore. I felt quite normal. (just thinking about this event makes me anxious). There came these two days that changed everything. I started to have the same “energy awakening” that I had week or two weeks earlier. This time my thoughts were about leaving my house, selling everything and starting to live with homeless people in the city that I had been at the university. I couldn’t stop these thoughts. I went for a walk to the forest near my house and I remember that there was a moment that I felt like I was having heart attack. My heart was pounding so hard that I had to sit on the ground. I felt that I have to leave everything. I was terrified. I was struggling with it whole night. Every time I told myself that I won’t do it, I felt that I can’t breathe and had spasms. After not sleeping for whole night and started thinking that I really had to do this because if I don’t it won’t go away. I tried everything to calm down but I wasn’t able. I started watching a YouTube video from a guy who connects idea of psychosis with spiritual awakening. I had listened to his videos before. He told that when he had his “psychosis” he had to get naked in crowd of people and had peed himself. I’m not sure if I had these thoughts before listing to that video or after but from now on I was thinking about getting naked in public. I was terrified. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t take it anymore so I got naked in my house. I came to my mother and I asked her to hug me. She called ambulance. After talking with my parents they took me to the nearest psychiatrist hospital. In the afternoon I started to have this weird feeling. I was feeling that some kind of bad energy is in me. I started to feel really anxious. I asked nurses for some pills for calming down. It didn’t do anything. This feeling was growing. I started to think about killing myself. I went to the bathroom. I put two bags on my head and tied socks around my neck. I started to suffocate. Despite how horrible suffocation felt I didn’t stop because I wanted to die so much. I passed out. Someone tore apart the bags and I woke up. They gave me a shot and put in me restraining bed in isolated room. I remember that when they put me there I thought that this terrible feeling would never end. They gave me another shot. I calmed down a little bit. I fell asleep. I woke up at night I was still under effects of shots but I was quite conscious. I didn’t feel the horrible urge to kill myself tho. After two weeks I started having another “energy awakening”. I was thinking about getting naked in front of everybody. I went for a shot. It didn’t make much. After about half an hour I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I undressed myself completely in front of other patients. They put me in restraining bed. When I was laying there I felt quite peaceful but at the same time I didn’t feel 100% relieved. During first week in second psychiatric hospital (I got transferred after 8 weeks) I had this terrifying experience. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was feeling this energy on the top of my head that felt like total death and terror. It was very intense. I was feeling like I was dying. It went off after about half of a minute. I was very scared. That happened to me again also over 2 months later. When I got home I also wanted to get a job. But when I started searching job offers I started to feel pressure in my body and anxiety that I’m not supposed to do that. It’s like subconsciously I was afraid that this whole situation is still not resolved. So I try to distract myself as much as I can. I came back home from hospital almost 4 months ago Over 2 months ago I got back to the gym and this the thing that helps me out. On weekends I’m seeing my friends and I actually can enjoy it. Not 100% but it’s better than in the last months before I got into hospital. I don’t drink alcohol and I haven’t smoked weed since February 2017. I have really strong OCD (especially spiritual/ moral scrupulosity) from to time to time (I have one for about almost 4 weeks now). I still try not to masturbate. I haven’t masturbated in almost 2 months now. But I watched some porn lately. I feel that this messes up with my dopamine. I recently got back my OCD so I think that these 2 can be related. I also fantasied a lot during spiritual times. I was feeling this orgasmic energy but I also fantasied so this energy could move more efficiently and I had more control over it. I’m not sure that I should do that. I tried masturbation without porn but after orgasm I felt that energetically my right side of body gets “closed”. All this energy is usually in left side. Also when I got spasms before sleeping I usually get them in the left side of my belly. When I don’t masturbate I can feel that energy is building up inside me. It’s not that easy to control my thinking. I have more anxiety. My dominating emotions are anger and anxiety. I can hear humming noise in my head almost all the time. I’m just so tired of this. I have depression on and off for five years now. My family is really worried. I just want to get a job or money just so my parents don’t have to pay for my living. I’m really worried that if another “energy awakening” happens or some major incident (like floaters) happens I won’t be able to go through this. I just feel so stuck and tired. I can’t get free. I’m so much in my head. I’m constantly on edge because I’m afraid of another “energy awakening”. I never wanted this, never was interested in awakening. I knew that connection to God is important but not like this. If there is anything to stop it, tell me please. I just want to live regular live. There is so much stuff that I did during my most spiritual time that I haven’t found that anybody else was doing. It’s like I think I was forcing a lot. I found this blog that seems that is written by a really educated guy. He says that these kind of experiences happened because of wrong spiritual practices and imagining/thinking too much and it seems that this is all that I was doing for a long time. I tried advice that I found on the internet. Like walking barefoot, eating more meat and root vegetables, heavy lifting. That helped me but for short time. I started to feel energetic and I had motivation to create art but my libido kicked in and I masturbated (without porn or fantasy) once a week for few weeks and that mojo vanished. Maybe I shouldn’t masturbate and it would got even better but at the same time I should say that despite feeling better mentally there still was this fear. The most popular advices that I found are opening front channel for getting your energy from head to ground (or stomach or genitals, I can’t remember). But I haven’t tried it because I don’t want to mess up with energy again. I live in a small town in Poland and there are not any people that could help me with energy. There are no kundalini gurus or at least I haven’t found them yet. I also don’t have any money so I can’t go to place where I could found one. So what can I do? How I can stop it or reverse it? How I can live normal live again? What can I do if this “energy awakening” happen again? How I can calm it down? My longer story: http://awakeningforums.com/thread/999/kundalini-syndrome-psychosis-story-help

@Alien we all are. Lol ?

@Alien Anything you’ll ever want or do, is because you think it will make you feel better, be happier. Don’t fall for the thinking! You can feel better and be happier right now, and then enjoy the shit out of everything you do. Might need to slow down any thinking which suggests otherwise. Meditation will do that in spades.

@Alien It’s the ‘make a living from it’ thoughts. You’re makin one 15 minute meditation as big as your life purpose. Can’t do that man, it’ll snap ya right outta the now. Gotta snap back in! That’s the baggage, or resistant thinking. Let that go completely. See that meditation is paradoxical, in that, when you drop the attachment of making money from meditation, spirituality, waking folks up in general - then - I’m be damned, that, is exactly where meditation will take you. Meditate just for the awesomeness of clearing your head, do it simply for the now of it, just to be present. The answer, is in a big way, always to let go of what we want. Later on, yet soon enough, it strolls into our lives. Universe is funny. Feels good to let go of that mental baggage, right? Hell ya it does.

Guys, I read from different sources that, you can recover from suffering only after enlightenment. So in this suffering I surrendered myself to pain, fear and was in the now. The fear, anxiety took my body and I was shaking. I stayed like that for hours, but did not get enlightened. I was checking constantly "is it enlightenment?". I thought if I never get enlightened I will be trapped in this torture. The fear increased. I waited may be increased suffering would make me stop identifying with mind. But nothing happened. And the next days I found out that I have new obsessive mission. ENLIGHTENMENT. I read for hours about enlightenment on internet. All I had in my mind was enlightenment. "I should achieve it, otherwise I will be incomplete forever. This is my only salvation." I wanted to stay in now and I was able to do that for several seconds and when my mind wandered I would bring it to the now. Although the now was horrible, boring, empty and frightening. I was trying to stay in the now with hope that I will train my mind not to feel emptiness in the now by practice. But the idea "enlightenment" does not let me do it anymore. It says "why are you in the now, move your ass and get enlightened as soon as possible. You are either in or out. It is binary. Devote yourself to enlightenment completely and after achieving it, you will live your life. Enjoy your tea, hang out with your friends and etc." I have had a lot of obsessive missions before, and I know how hard to kick them, almost impossible. And if I am able to kick them a huge emptiness replaces them where I have no drive to do anything. Please, tell me what to do? I surrender to pain and fear, but they dont subside. Does surrendering mean that I should live with them forever? But it is impossible. I cant relax, enjoy my life when I have pain and fear. Can an enlightened person enjoy the moment while somebody is cutting his arm off. I bought Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now" last year and started to read it slowly. In the beginning I thought it is a book of a wise man who fought against depression and won. Who will give practical advice how to be happy. But it turned out this book was somehow mystical. Who speaks about existence, god, and claims all people feel incomplete and unhappy because they are detached from god's energy and will always be like that until they rewire to that energy. And his practical advice does not help me as well. He says when you are in the now you will feel energy. But I dont. I feel boredom, fear, anxiety, emptiness, no drive to do anything. My mind says "come to me, think, find an answer and get content". I do, find an answer, get content, but for seconds. And this cycle repeats. I have found answers which seemed to make me feel full forever, but it lasts short. My mind is always hungry. But when I come back to now I dont feel any attachment, love to now. It feels like alien. I had hope that I would rewire my mind to be in now with meditation and forcing myself to be in the now. But now I got a belief that whatever I do, how much I do, does not matter if I dont get enlightened. I want to persuade myself that I am not my mind, but I cant. I had a hope that with practice I can get a happy, content life. But now I dont. Because even if enlightenment exists and I practice hard to get there I probably will fail with such a desire to get enlightened. Psychotherapists say "you have a disorder and we can cure it", I say "no, it is not a disorder, all people including you psychotherapists are in pain, because we have dewired from existence and will suffer until enlightenment." So here I am paralyzed, not knowing what to do. I started antidepressant therapy again and actually it reduced my anxiety and fear a little bit.

That's why we are here, to help him. He is the Alien DEVIL Lucifer pushing psychedelica to spiritualists so he can lure them in eternal illusion MUHAHAHAHA!

So I had a few weird experiences the other day, they felt alien. I was in the car on the way to work with my brother and all of a sudden everything became the same thing. There was no difference from my brother than the tree outside or the car outside. All labels went out the window and everything became the same thing? lol it sounds weird but I don't know what happened but it confused the shit out of me later. This lasted for about 2-3 minutes then everything went back to normal. Then it happened again like 30 minutes later and lasted for about 5 minutes. Fast forward to the next day, I was at the gym and I went to the bathroom. When I was taking a piss in the urinal it felt like I was pissing on myself? It felt like a strange loop. Like I was the urinal/bathroom and I was taking a piss on myself. Again, I was extremely confused. Anyone else have any weird experiences like this? I'm still mind fucked from them tbh

Do you mean I should keep thinking to wake up? When somebody says this I get defensive of not thinking, because my first problem arose because of long thinking when I was 13 (In 2000). I remember clearly, how I thought about life, existence, Allah (I was muslim), soul and etc several consequent days and jumped to a conlusion that there is no Allah, or any other extraordinary omnipotent power, there is no soul, nothing is sacred, we are just biologic creatures with mind. I was shocked. As if something very valuable disappeared inside me. I fell into emptiness. The fear took the whole me. I tried to kick those thoughts away, but could not. The following days I thought more and I could not understand why we are here, who am I, can I trust myself, what if everything is an illusion. Very freak thoughts came to my mind which I cant articulate well. When there is a period that I am very busy with something (material things), these thoughts dont come or come rarely. But since 2013 I feel terrible and on antidepressants. When I contemplate existential stuff, I get worse. Do you think, I should think no matter how I feel? I have been meditating since June and since December it seems I have decreased the amount of thinking and daydreaming. But have not seen any improvement in my mental state. Horrible. Constant pain. And I desperately want relief. When fear is overwhelming I panic, cry, beg. When fear is not that strong I embrace it. I embrace pain. Especially during meditation. My heart seems it will stop, but I go on. However neither pain nor fear disappear. Today I told myself I would not involve my mind until 1st March. So after that date I may start to think and seek answers. I was somehow successful in it. Although pain went up, I tried to stay in present moment and neglect mind, no matter how insecure I felt. But as soon as fear came, I tumbled down to my mind again in order to find immediate relief with the help of thinking. The worst is when I am outside, because even in such a situation I dont want to show my weakness to strangers (I care other people's opinion so much) and therefore fear doubles outside. I know why I need to answer my questions. I want to find absoluteness. So I wont get lost. I want to see the meaningfulness. I dont see meaning. But I guess I would not see meaning even if there was a God. I would still say why and feel discontent. I remember when I was 13 I imagined eternal life in heaven and got scared. I thought dying and not having a soul is better than eternal life. But actually when I feel terrible everything sounds scary to me. I am on treatment since 2013. I have seen two different psychotherapists. I want to neglect the pain and live my daily life outside of my mind, but it consumes my energy. Can anybody with a strong headache dance? Nor me with strong mental pain. What to do then? Meditation? Can I get better without enlightenment, or will I suffer until I get rid of ego (which I doubt will happen to me) ? Is it better to neglect mind completely until I am doing something related to my job? The more I neglect the mind, the worse I feel, sometimes a huge pain, which I think I wont handle. But it seems the only way to recover. Should I decrease mind day by day or stop it abruptly? I have quitted cigarette, cannabis, alcohol. Is quitting mind also like them? I have a huge emptiness inside me, which seems to produce fear. Yes I try to avoid pain and bad feelings. I try to focus on something else, because I am afraid I will not be able to handle those feelings. Are not all thoughts different and independent of each other? Should I believe in fairy tails, happy ends or live without expectations? Do you think existential thoughts are easily defined concepts? Actually sometimes I dont get those thoughts, but get those feelings that everything is alien, stranger. Everything is dark. I want to live so much. I think this is also a problem. I should face the possibility that I may suffer forever or may commit suicide. Eternal pain is sometimes inevitable.

hahaha love leo the alien

@ZX_man Nonsense. This is why we question dogma and think for ourselves rather than listening to Buddhist scriptures. "Man" or "Woman" is a false identity anyhow. What you are isn't a man or woman. And in fact, your consciousness is identical to that of every other living creature, from an ant to an elephant to a space alien. All of you are identical.

@Alien You answered your own question. If enlightenment is raw reality, and reality is infinite, well... there you have it. You can keep exploring it forever.

do, or do not. I'm so sick of trying. Trying to meditate every day for upwards of two years, only to have negative thoughts still get to me. I see thoughts as sensations, and yet, the negativity loves to sneak up and consume me anyway. Trying to be diligent in my daily yoga practice (which usually takes an hour) for the past three months, only to have my body fight back and lock up. My anxiety is insistent and never-ending. My body can't stop holding, as if it's saying, "You're not done yet, JJ. Not yet not yet not yet. Gotta do ____ and ____ and learn as much as you can so you can be a paragon for all to behold." Well, fuck you, body. I'm sick of it. Trying to fit into a society centered around shallowness and denying death. No one really cares what I have to say, nor do I have much of value to say. People value cat videos, not depth. Anything to anesthetize them from the gaping black hole in the center of their existence. Honestly, I envy them. At least they can fit in and live a normal life without having the burden of worrying about all this shit. At least they can have a nice dream. At least they don't have to feel like an alien, like an outsider. Trying to hold a job. I got rejected from a barista job, for fuck's sake. I lasted six weeks as a cashier. Even dog walking, a job that's perfect for my personality - I started to go crazy after six months and have to quit. That happened twice over two years. Trying to be friendly in front of everyone (can't help it - Fe extraverted feeling function of an infj). Putting on this mask for everyone around me, even my family. And the moment I try to open up to them, like last night: "It's all bullshit, JJ. Mind over matter! How could you say that?" This is what happens when I try to take off the mask. I get shot down. I can't be authentic in front of anyone, because it'll just scare them away. Then, fear of abandonment kicks in. Then, fear of not being able to support myself kicks in, because of the last point. So I feel trapped in that sense. Trying to be a friend, or maintain a friendship. I have a bunch of aquaintances that I hardly keep in touch with, and I had one friend for awhile, who I now also barely keep in touch with. So basically, no friends. Too much effort to be a friend. Too much effort to find someone out there in person who I can actually relate to without the mask. Trying to date. Ohhh, man, I could write for hours about this one. I get clingy and obsessive the moment I have a deeper connection, which drives me nuts, and it does the other person a disservice. Then fear of abandonment/rejection kicks in and sabotages due to Fe. Then the relationship turns into this: Full of second-guessing and brutal honesty. Then, the girl ends up rejecting me anyway, because there's no polarity, because I'm too passive, because I'm "too much of a wuss," as my brother says, because I implode and put all the blame on myself, because my body shuts down and I can't say anything more. Yeah. I'm sick of doing that. Makes sense why my body has unconsciously cut off circulation from the waist down. Trying to create stuff. The inner critic often kicks in and tries to filter everything I write. Especially the case with songwriting, though it's gotten better. Trying to make it all work. Because it's not working. Nothing feels like it's working. I feel better than ever in my body, mind, and spirit, but this "adulthood" thing still doesn't work for me.

@Alien Did you have an actual realization, or is it just mental masturbaton with concepts presented to you which might not be true?

@Alien You're from Lower Saxony? Me too! What a coincidence to find someone on this forum who's so close to me geographically, haha. But yeah, Leo's totally right bruh, even just a glimpse of it will completely turn your life upside down, you can be absolutely sure about that. I certainly don't claim to be fully enlightened but I can say that I've gone quite far down that road and let me tell you...pretty much every year post-enlightenment, you will be like "Who was that guy a year ago?", and then it will even turn into "Who was that guy just a month ago?", even though after a while you will always assume to be on top of the enlightenment-mountain because you think to yourself "How could this even get any better?!", but, it does get better continuously - it practically never stops which is the most beutiful thing about it.

@Alien Something tells me you will be extra pleased when you finally glimpse the Absolute

@Alien Well, of course, if you're into this work, that already makes you rather exceptional. My theory is, some people just naturally like to get their mind fucked. Those are the ones who gravitate towards nonduality. I'm like that. With that said, even though I love a good mindfuck, I also love my ego. So a tug-of-war must happen. The real test of how much you love a good mindfuck is: if there was a mindfuck so deep the only way you could glimpse it was by killing yourself, would you do it? The only reason you're gravitating towards it right now is because your mind doesn't really understand the extent of the mindfuck. You like little mindfucks. But you do not like big mindfucks which will totally obliterate you. The big mindfucks will take you totally by surprise, and it's good they do because otherwise you would probably never approach them. The whole problem here is that you are being asked to kill yourself. And of course you can't want that. 3 billion years of evolution are pushing their finger on the scale. But we can sucker you into it by having you believe that it won't be real death, but just like an mini "ego-death" -- which your mind can rationalize to itself as being "cool" and "good". But, then one day you will discover much to your shock -- No, we were talking about actual death! But then it will be too late. You will already be dead. And you will be pleased. But not in the way you expect. In other words, we have to use the mind's self-deceptions against itself to escape itself.

B-b-but baby....it wasn't me .... it's alien hand syndrome.... Plus, there is already a significant dogmatic spirituality present, might as well go full on theocratic control over it...right?

@star ark Bicameral Mind theory actually makes sense.. You can also look up 'Alien hand syndrome' 'Alien hand syndrome (AHS) is a condition in which a person experiences their limbs acting seemingly on their own, without control over the actions' There is something called corpus callosum in our brain which connects left brain and right brain. When two hemispheres are surgically separated, it is almost like there are two people in the same body, My left brain can make decisions that my right brain is not aware of and vice versa. Once I read about this, my whole perception of consciousness changed. There are things which are not certain yet. But human beings have a tendency to avoid uncertainty by unconsciously adding their own explanations to fill in the gaps.