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Entry 127 | More on Death I don't know specifically what I want to write in this entry, so I'm just going to type as I think. Death has been on my mind recently. What with my uncle being on the verge of death now after months of coping with cancer and everything. But also, I had a dream in the last few nights about death. At some point, it occurred to me that I had never witnessed anyone die right before my eyes. This caused my subconscious mind to simulate that event in the form of a dream. It was night, and I was stood at a crossing with around 20 people. As we waited for the traffic lights to change, one guy stepped out in the middle of the road in front of the oncoming traffic. It was obvious that he was hoping to commit suicide. In the shock of the situation, I looked away at the instant the car ran over the guy. I slowly looked back to see the man lying on the floor with blood gushing out of his severed leg. He wasn't dead. But he wasn't far off. He leant forward as if to grab his leg in pain but, of course, it was missing. Something suggested that he was regretting the idea. Then earlier today, I envisioned another suicide scenario happening on my way to university. I imagined the guy jumping off one of the university buildings with the cry "OH MY GOD." Again, it suggested that he regretted the decision completely. But his fate was unavoidable as he splattered on the tarmac. Thankfully, these were imaginary scenarios. But why now? It's not like I'm actively looking to commit suicide nor do I wish to see it happen to someone. Nevertheless, it got me thinking about death. It hit me in the Indian music ensemble that one day, I will die. One day, I will return to the nothingness of death. And somehow, I don't feel scared about that. Given that the next few years will prove to be the most challenging for me, this is something that I must keep in mind. Nothingness is whole and complete as it is. There needn't be life at all. The fact that it exists for the meantime is just a blessing. The pursuing of goals for materialist benefits seems shallow and unnecessary now. Once upon a time, I just wanted to be a famed guitar player. Now, I just want to make the most of what I am now. The process seems more important than the end result. Now is better than then. All I can do is enjoy the moment for what it is. Any goals that I pursue will come from that place of love and joy for being in the now. They won't become my life. They will just form a part of it. Because if there's any goal that's worth pursuing, it is to love life to the full. Pick of the day:

I agree. We already are enlightened. Still many people have lots of mental self-identifying going on, and are just shy of suicide quite often. Being able to just live and enjoy the party is what enlightenment is. Regretting the past, fearing the future, or wanting to go to the future for escape of the now, are all signs enlightenment has not yet happened. Most people cannot so quickly let go. If you live life as simple and joyful as you claim, i would say you already are "enlightened"

I agree. They are the greatest problem. Looking at the world with a bird's eye view, a strange feeling arises that we have everything – just we need one humanity. And the most dangerous thing is that this preparation for our suicide, by all the nations, is in the name of war and victory – all childish and stupid. You can see it in the way nations respect a piece of cloth as their flag and if it is removed their whole glory and freedom is lost – you cannot insult the national flag. This is the situation of human retardedness. It is a simple fact that the earth is undivided. What is the need of so many nations, except that it fulfills so many people's ego trips?

Yes I am in California specifically West LA. Also I've improved my video content a lot since I bought the JumpCut program that cost $1000 if you look at some of my old videos I'm wondering if you'd say my camera presence was as good. I'm glad that it has improved over the months and years though. Recently actually about a week ago something happened that bothered me. I was in a bootcamp for the program where if you did well you would get to get a mentor ship from the founders of the program. People told me I won and I was so happy that I won but, later it turned out that people thought I won because of a glitch and I really didn't win so I became a bit frustrated. At the time where I thought I won and people were telling me I won there was this whole shift in my brain where I thought all my dreams and goals would be accomplished because the people mentoring me who created very successful channels would be able to help me in a way that gave me that kind of recognition and my message would finally be heard and people would know about what I stand for. Anyway as bothered as I am that it feels like I have to go this alone again I'm still keeping at it and my stuff has improved. Basically @My_Name_Is_Mud my life purpose is to go "back and help out". Long time ago I was talking to a rabbi about my past and the struggles and anger in my childhood. He compared it to this there were a group of people riding on horseback to reach a certain destination but, they came across some very strong water currents. Some of them made it across and some of them couldn't make it across and they drown but, the most noble among them who made it across weren't satisfied to see their friends drowning so they went back into the currents to help the people struggling to make it across. So basically when I compare this to myself is that I was really struggling with stress and depression through my childhood. I'm glad to say that most of that is no longer with me. I'm still trying to make it across though as in do something and get to a place where I am happy, financially stable, and really enjoying life. Then when I do get there it wont be enough to know that I'm in a good place but, some young people out there are in a really crappy place and struggling just like I was. That's why I concentrate on things like the education system and divorce laws because I'm trying to help those kids "make it across" when they might be struggling with depression or even suicide. Although I'd never want to relive my past I think it's a blessing and a curse at the same time because maybe if I didn't go through all that hell when I was younger I wouldn't appreciate what I have now as much as I do and maybe I wouldn't even have the passion to help the kids who I know are in a bad situation right now. Also if you want to read more about my story you can look at the Self Actualization Journal I titled: Becoming a Hero.

silent progress. Holy cow! I mean back! My back feels so much looser after doing these exercises. But the most relief I've received is in my gut. I have a gi-normous muscular band of tension around my navel area. I first noticed it after the events of my friend's suicide. Probably has something to do with the guilt. But after using the 9-inch ball repeatedly on that area...I notice that I can breathe a little better and I'm less in fight-or-flight. This makes the world a difference. I'm going to stick with it. I haven't even gone through all the exercises yet... This sort of myofascial work seems to be the physical equivalent of affirmations. In affirmations, the mind is stuck in a holding pattern and by repeating a phrase over and over again, you brute force it out of the holding pattern. In myofascial release work, the body is stuck in a holding pattern of tensions and by repeating the same exercises over and over again, you brute force it out of the holding pattern. A year ago, I would have scoffed at this stuff. Now, I scoff at me a year ago.

There is no word equivalent to 'divorce' in Hindu culture, till death they live together, but love is not there. Those who don't suicide, do not live either. 'Everlasting love' is fantasy of teenagers.

Some immature persons dream about finding everlasting love, when they get married, they face harsh realities of life, their dreams are shattered. Both the partners start nagging and quarreling with each other, but they live together whole life, as divorce is still not so common in India. In few cases one partner , in rare cases both partners suicide.

My spiritual take on suicide squad - Heathens : All my friends have egos take it slow, Wait for them to ask you what you know Please dont say any sudden truths You might just leave them utterly confused.. ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE EGOS TAKE IT SLOOOOOOOW!!!!!! etc etc This is what im gonna sing upon Enlightenment

Hi all At the end of 2016 I dropped out of University because I realised that my entire life and all of my motivation was derived from highly egotistic influence, I decided that I didn't want to pursue education at the expense of the government, borrowing thousands upon thousands in student loans and sacrificing my happiness and my time for 'success' in a field that if I truly desired (which I do not), I know could forge without such a cost. I realised that I was trapping myself into debt for the rest of my life and following a career path for no reason other than materialistic gain, self-satisfaction and so that I could party and take drugs like a typical student. This being the second time I have dropped out of a higher education course, I decided that I needed to do some serious self-investigation and understand what the fuck is wrong with me and why I couldn't just pursue a career for positive advancement. With the help of Leo's videos, other gurus and a lot of self-honesty, I realised that all I really cared about was being happy and at peace and all the hurdles I had been jumping were largely influenced by peer pressure, the 'conspiracy' of self-obsessed society and feeling like I needed to have some fancy career to feel good about my existence. I have been meditating for an hour every day since and researching psychology religiously, trying to unravel my neurosis and discover my purpose in life, to no avail. I feel very trapped by circumstance more and more every day. I have a job which I enjoy more than any I've had before, but I'm in a lot of debt from signing contracts for accommodation that I can't pay without student loans, so any money I make is going to be taken away from me immediately. I don't even want money, and I never really have, I just want to live in peace and close to nature somewhere, every day I try to get as much work done as I can but without life purpose I have serious trouble finding motivation to preserve my place in a society I do not want to be part of. I feel like I am trapped in a game I cannot win and thoughts of suicide are becoming an overwhelming daily battle that I am slowly losing. I have periods of what I might call 'enlightened' states where my mind is completely tranquil and I can deflect negative thoughts like they are nothing, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to sustain this and remain happy with anything that I am. I keep looking into sustainable communities where I may be able to go and live to be away from this nightmare, but I know that true understanding of the self is that happiness is available regardless of circumstance. Now my self-inquiry seems to have taken a turn to self-abuse, my psychological analysis is choking me and bullying me because I cannot control my emotions or remain at peace whilst doing the things I need to do. My mind constantly screams that every second is being wasted, that life is not meant to be lived in this twisted system of competitive exploitation and contained conformity. I struggle to understand anything, when the most real and in-depth truths about life that I have discovered make me hate my every action and everything that I am surrounded by. I feel like a failure and a joke most of the time, I spend all of my time alone trying to build discipline and willpower. I just want the mind to be silent and the negative feelings towards work to leave me so that I can pay off my debt and go travelling to somewhere that I may be able to live free of financial obligation, but at this rate I genuinely feel like lying down and dying rather than spending every waking moment in this torture. Please, please help

Entry 120 | Reflection Phwoar. Ever wake up feeling like you've been reborn? I don't know what to reflect on to be honest. All I can talk about is how things are at the minute. Past and future don't feel relevant. I've felt incredibly peaceful all day. This morning, I received a few insights that came in thought form but I can't remember them well enough to write them out. All that is left of them is an incredible sense of peace. In fact, stillness is a word that I have not fully understood until now. It has existed as a synonym for an inner peace but this is the first time in which I have experienced it for what it is. Stillness. Leo's video upload today was very interesting, as always. As I watched it, a lot of doubt came up with what I believe my life purpose is and whether or not it belongs in the "hero's journey" category. As a third-year university student, of course I'm going to be looking to get a successful career as a musician. But chasing success is apparently not a part of the "hero's journey." Nevertheless, the missions in my life provide me with fear and doubt. If I described them to someone, they would think I'm crazy to chase such a goal. These are seemingly characteristics of the "hero's journey." The fact that my mission brings about these characteristics makes me believe that I'm on the right path though. Perhaps the goal that I have set for myself is, in fact, the "holy grail" as it is meaningless in itself, but it requires a certain transformation of self to get there. The creative muses have made it abundantly clear that this mind and body was created to bring new music into existence. That is a scary thing to surrender to. Especially in this day and age where seemingly everybody is trying to be the next guitar hero or music master. But there's no going back now. I haven't had the courage to really tell anyone my true goals in life. I've always provided diluted versions of these goals to others in fear of criticism and ridicule. Maybe I should open up here. It's perhaps best described as a spirit or force of nature that wants to express itself through me. In every single moment of existence, I've had a deep desire to create innovative, inspiring music. Even as I sit here, I can hear the creative muses playing to me some of the music I desire to create. Sometimes, this spirit is so powerful that I find it difficult to differentiate between these internal sounds from the external sounds of the universe. It is my (devilishly difficult) duty to figure out a way to extract this internal music and reproduce it externally. There is no avoiding it. I know that I have the ability to gain regular musician jobs like teaching, musicals, cruise ship work, etc. But THIS is my life purpose. Because the music that appears to me is so indescribably beautiful that it simply must be shared. You guys really gotta hear what goes on in my head! But that's the thing; you can't. I have to sacrifice my secure, comfortable life in order to cultivate the music and share it with the world in a medium that it can be understood. I don't know why me! I don't know why this could possibly benefit anybody. Music in itself is meaningless. But something beyond me is willing me to do this. This has got me real emotional. I didn't realize the true extent of this burning desire within me that has always been there. If anything, I've just thrown petrol on the flames and made it stronger. There is so much fear and doubt that this could make me homeless and penniless. But at the same time, there's a greater knowledge beyond logic and reasoning that is telling me that any other path in life would be the equivalent of suicide. I'm fucking terrified, emotional, and excited at the same time. I have to sacrifice money, shelter, relationships, family, and lots of other things for this cause. But it's a cause completely worth fighting myself for. Dear God I must be mad! Pick of the day: Shoutout to the Indian Music Ensemble guys from university, ensemble leader John (santoor) and Henrik (flute).

Poverty is not the cause of suicides in India. A poor person who has not his life yet, don't think of dying. When whole society is poor, you don't complain much about it. Indian think poverty as a result of past lives karma. Causes for suicide in India In 2014 Causes No of people Bankruptcy or indebtedness 2,308 Marriage Related Issues 6,773 Non Settlement of Marriage 1,096 Dowry Related Issues 2,261 Extra Marital affairs 476 Divorce 333 Others 2,607 Failure in Examination 2,403 Impotency/Infertility 332 Other Family problems 28,602 Illness 23,746 AIDS/STD 233 Cancer 582 Paralysis 408 Insanity/Mental illness 7,104 Other prolonged illness 15,419 Death of dear person 981 Drug abuse/addiction 3,647 Fall in social reputation 490 Ideological causes/Hero worshipping 56 Love affairs 4,168 Poverty 1,699 Unemployment 2,207 Property dispute 1,067 Suspected/Illicit relation 458

@Evilwave Heddy This is off topic, but coming from a mad person, there's something similar to spirituality in 'madness', or mind fuck-uppery. I don't know if this will help, but prophets have a certain sort of personality to them. It's all about interpretation when all is said and done. When I'm well again, I'm going to write a paper on the similarities of madness and spirituality - complete with Red Book-esque artwork, after I start a normal spiritual practice. There's something there, Carl Jung was onto something. ------------------------ Suicide prevention information @harisankartj

Karma. If you suicide in one life whats to pursue in your next? Scary subject all around. Just please continue your path. I am here. We are here. God is now. I love you. I love myself.

Suicide will only lead to an endless loop, if you never grow or learn past that point you will continuously be presented with the same situations life after life until you complete and overcome the situation and who knows how many times its happened already. Suicide is one of the only things that prevents the soul from evolving onto the next phase of life. (so to speak) You see.. life is like a game and the universe is continuously in a state teaching/learning and most challenging life situations are simply tests you have pre-set yourself or the universe has set for you (whichever works) in order for you to grow past that and evolve to a greater collective.

One of the most famous actresses, Marilyn Monroe, committed suicide. She was one of the beautiful women ever, one of the most successful. Even the President of America Kennedy, was in love with here, and she had thousands of lovers. One cannot think of what more you can have. She had everything. While she was at the top of her success and fame, she committed suicide. No beggar ever thinks of committing suicide. Logically it should be just the other way: every beggar should think of committing suicide, but no beggar ever thinks. Suicide rate has nothing to do with poverty. Even developed economies like Japan and South Korea have higher suicide rate than India.

You can do whatever you want, but you might wanna see someone about it. Suicide is a tragedy, not just for you but for those around you, too. But also, don't feel guilty for having those feelings. Just see someone as soon as you can! <3

I have been struggling with sleeping disorder the last 25 years, the only advice I could get from the doctors were taking sleeping pills but it made me depressed and I got suicide thoughts, that was why I started on self-development. Now my sleep is so much under control I can have a normal life, the cure for me is as following: 1) 20 min guided meditation everyday just before bed time. 2) no tv, computer, phone ect. the last hour before bed time, 3) Dont go to bed later than 12.00 4) Very often a nap during the day will makes it easier to fall a sleep in the evening 5) Gratitude journal before bed time Good Luck

@harisankartj Everybody thinks about committing suicide in his life, few times, it's a momentary phase. Consult a psychiatrist, if you are really miserable. Why do you want to commit suicide? - death is coming on its own. Why are you in such a hurry?

Well think about it, once you commit suicide you're not gonna even care or know what they are going through. You could always commit suicide discreetly too so they don't think it was suicide and they're not left questioning why. So to answer your question..yes you are allowed to commit suicide, but you'd be much better off dealing with what you're escaping from.

@username When comparing spiritual teachings, you have to be extremely careful about terminology and language use. Terms like "logic", "free will", "God", "consciousness", "mind", "the self", "you/me/I", could have 180 degree difference in meanings. You have to look at the context they are being used in. Yes, you could say there is a certain "logic" to God and reality. But that's just a manner of speech. Like I could say there's a certain logic to operating a Windows PC, or a certain logic to playing beer pong, or a certain logic to psychedelic trips, or a certain logic to meditation, or a certain logic to suicide bombers. But that's a very loose use of that word. Yes, there is a certain logic to the Neti Neti method, where you realize that if you're having an experience, it cannot be you. To your other point, I noticed that his understanding of Buddhism is very limited. And his criticism of the Neo's saying they don't exist also fails to address their true meaning. When the Neo's say you don't exist, they mean the personal human self, not the Absolute self. The Neo's are teaching from the point of view of the ego, whereas Vedanta teaches from the point of view of the Absolute. It actually makes a lot of sense to teach from the ego's point of view, because the student is identified with ego. If you tell the student he exists, he's likely assume, "Yeah, of course I exist. I'm this body/mind right here. I got it! Duh!" But when you tell the student, "You don't exist!!!" he immediately gets scared and put on the spot. Now he has to come up with evidence for his body/mind identification, which he starts to see is impossible. And that creates an opening. James is a great teacher, but he suffers a bit from being a Vedanta hardliner. He feels old-school Vedanta is the ultimate teaching. Well, that's a relative judgment. And it certainly won't be true for all his students. For example, I was frustrated by his lack of giving actual self-inquiry technique. All that talking turns into mental masturbation very quickly without a clear, explicit practice method.

I don't know Shin. Isn't that a personal belief? Personally, i think it is dangerous to follow belief systems, especially ones own. Until i realize enlightenment i wouldn't assume anything. How can you be really sure? The best unenlightened people can do, is read something somewhere and think "wow, this resonates with me, it makes sense, so i believe it". In this way, i have found no proof yet of love or good to be a requirement for enlightenment. As for Zen masters, Zen is one of the most secular and isolated ways to reach enlightenment. They care shit about the rest of the world and are the most egoistical monks that ever existed. The only thing they do is meditate and comb sand into circles around rocks, fully isolated Some in Japan also go on great treks around a mountain until they either die or become enlightened. If they only think about quitting, they have to commit ritual suicide. That is one way to tame the monkey mind : "don't think you wanna quit, or you'll have to kill yourself" The only religion i know of, that in enlightenment seeking embraces humanity and the saving of everyone, is tibetan/indian style Buddhism. Where they put emphasis on metta-meditation, and loving-kindness.

I had strong OCD so I feel like I can help you. It nearly drove me to suicide as well. Firstly be kind to yourself, you're doing an amazing job. Remind yourself of that. I mean look, people with totally stable mental health can't even shift their ass to workout, meditate, eat and sleep well. Incredible. Okay with meditation a few times a week is not enough to see result, unfortunately it has to be every single day, 10 mins is enough to start with. It's hard but do it. One of the most important habits that helped me with OCD. Also, CBT is great for OCD. Don't let spirituality confuse your life too much at the start. Put it in a box in your head labelled 'spirituality' and the 'normal' types of therapy, habits, etc, in a box called 'life'. Remember it's all based on love. Also you're a badass for running these mental marathons each day. Most couldn't handle that. You're going to have so much strength and wisdom because of this. You probably already do. LOVE YOURSELF

One of the objectives of martial arts is to develop the mind and body to a point where the path of life can be walked fearlessly and courageously. All of us bear the potential to live the way of the warrior – martial arts provides us with the opportunity and tools for recognizing and unfolding this potential. Martial arts, which have been developed to destroy man, to murder, to commit suicide, but they can be used because the situation of death facing you in any form makes you alert, aware. Martial arts enhances flexibility, strength and stamina as well as coordination, presence and calmness – all at the same time. This purifies the energetic system of the body, removes blockages and frees energy. That's why in Japan particularly, many martial arts were developed by meditators. Practicing tai chi , aikido... slowly slowly you become more and more silent, more and more peaceful. The question of war and destruction disappears. Understand meditation in such a way, that you can use it not only while you are meditating but while you are doing anything. Just do it more consciously, more gracefully, more lovingly and you have changed the very quality of the action. And once you know to change the qualities of your actions, your whole life becomes the life of a meditator. I believe that tai chi is the best for spirituality.

That depends what "neediness for sex" means for you. Most of the time, it's not just sex, it's also the feeling of being loved. The need for sex, the craving for it, that you will always have, unless you "achieve" the 2 options above. @The Monk I said 2 options, the suicide wasn't a serious choice.

Practice tantra for like 3/4 hours, if you do it right, maybe you'll stop craving for sex. You could also commit suicide and be reincarnate into a demisexual/asexual person. There is enlightenement, but it could never happen, so ... Have fun !