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I feel like it's okay for me to die (sometimes I want to die and suicide) and at the same time I love (don't know if it's real love or not love) life and enjoy it's beauty really sense it and feel it. I don't know what is my situation really about

Still stuck at constant low, depressed state. Constant thoughts about re-current topics. Regret and longing about the law school experience and dropping out. Worry that i'll be stuck in this limbo state for the rest of my life. Shame and embarrassment about seeing people in the world, and admitting to my failures and inadequacies. Worry that i'll be a man child for ever, shame around being a man child right now. I have had a few dreams this week about law school, and they have been a constant them of regret about dropping out, and a desire to experience the fullness of what could have been offered by the experience. I want to bury my head in the sand and just retreat from society, it's basically what i'm doing now tbh. My life and my mind have become completely toxic. My days are pretty much the same, wake up lay in bed and feel comfort and feel shame/regert over how my life is, then i go to the farm and do minimal work and just read my book or listen to podcasts, and i've been a lot of junk food and i'm pretty sure i'm type 2 diabetic right now because i feel tingling in my feet, and then i come home and just go right to bed. The shadow of entitlement, intimacy issues, dependence, being stuck in my comfort zone, arrogance, poor discipline, irresponsibility are coming out. I have no idea how this is going to get better. A guy in my law school said i'm the laziest person he ever met, he was right. I'm pretty sure I have boarder line personality disorder. When i was talking to my mom about getting a job, i almost got insanely mad because she was disagreeing with me. My mom does everything for me, and i'm completely ungrateful and i'm still a spoiled brat. You would think with my life being so shit and me being aware of it that i would be humbled, but i'm not. I'm still entitled and spoiled. These problems are so deeply rooted. How is RASA, energy healing, therapy, psychiatraic meds, psychidelics etc how does that solve this? But all these problems are due to emotional repression? Lol that's what I think, i'm just hoping for a miracle. I always thought things would work out, i always believed that my life would work out. For some people life doesn't work out, there are millions if not billions of people in the world and their lives will not work out and life just goes on with or without people being happy. This is the first time in my life i've had genuine suicidal thoughts. I've heard suicide is the cowards way out, and i think there's truth to it. It's easier to commit suicide then suffer and deal with the pain and resistance of changing. My parents try and they love me, but i ended up rotten. The other day i was thinking how much a relief it would be if my dad and uncle died so i could inherit the money and just buy a house somewhere in the middle of no where and just retire and live out my days. My parents gave me every chance to succeed and this is how I think about them. This is dark. And it's not even that dark because it's all created inside my delusional mind. I don't even know how you deal with this. 10 years of therapy? Mushroom trips every week?

A beautiful, eloquent little disturbed trilogy from a suicide & heroin survivor. Dogma seen through, nationalism yet to go?

Speaking personally.. When I investigate this deep enough.. This is the last thing I want as an ego.. To be immortal.. Wow what a hellish thing!. Think about it.. The only reason you can tolerate this life is because of the possibility of your death in the future.. The possibility of annihilation at some point.. That you experience a glimpse of during deep sleep. That's the only way you can tolerate the mass of existence.. By realizing there's an opposite side to that coin. Living forever as the same finite self is what hell is. Imagine that you will keep living this same life as this little human organism on this earth on this universe exactly as it is FOREVER.. That would drive you out of your goddam mind crazy bored suicidal (but there is no suicide you are stuck lol). Seriously this is the worst possible torture. I never understood how immortality could be a good thing.. The best thing about life is it fucking ends. Maybe If you live a new life from scratch after wiping your memory clean and you start fresh as if it is the first time you ever existed.. That would be a reasonable alternative.

Life isn't fair. It had to show me how good it can be and then, in a blink of an eye, poof. I will never forgive life for what it did to me. I'm beyond repair. Don't judge me. I hate everyone and everything. I wish there was a solution. How could this puzzle ever be solved? I would have committed suicide if I knew it would help, but no. IMPOSSIBLE. She's not dead, neither did she leave me. She's mentally ill. And how could I possibly reach her then? If she was dead, suicide would give me a good chance of meeting her in the supposed soul world or afterlife. If she left me, I would have understood. The feelings inside me cannot be described or communicated. She was God, absolutely true. Unlike all them fake, other people. Burning from the inside. Longing to meet her again, but no. IMPOSSIBLE. She's not here, nor there. She's everywhere. Right through everything. Irreplaceable. So infallible. So sweet and lovable. I promised her I will wait, and I'm keeping my promise. I will take her with my arms open when she comes around, and she will come around. Please. I took a 4 hours hike earlier today and cried my eyes out. I wished I could keep walking and crying for eternity but I had to come back home. Life's not fair. The last thing we were talking about was telepathy. She thought it was possible to communicate with one another regardless of all physical restrictions. She knew it from heart. But how can I reach her now? Is she waiting for me in some ethereal dimension? Am I just deluding myself? I don't know, and I don't care. I just wanna be with her. She's my God.

Crime has become an ever present problem. There is a real existential threat to the survival of the species. Not only humans but also animals and natural resources are under great threat. The cost of medical care is really high with many left without insurance. The government doesn't pay any medical costs. People are not helped in their situations of crises. We came so far through evolution only to witness the downslide of humanity. Unemployment rates throughout the world are sky high. These people will never marry, never have children and never create families. Families which were the basic unit of survival. In some ways it makes sense to witness the downspiral because in a karmic sense with so much suffering, it was necessary for everything to collapse in order to end all suffering or make all suffering equal.. Everything starts from dust. Everything goes to dust. It's unthinkable what happened to humanity. When I look around myself, I see most families with 2 kids only. Sometimes and most often it's just 1 kid per family. At this rate, the populations are going to decline rapidly. Although on the surface it looks like the world has a huge population, but if you look deeper it's just a lot of people who are not leading fulfilling lives. Much of it is a farce. It's just numbers on paper There was a sudden burst in the population somewhere in the 70s and the 80s due to significant decrease in infant mortality rate but that burst has survived for quite some time since. Yet, overall the population isn't doing well. The next generation, the ones born in the 90s and late 90s to 2000 are really struggling. Maybe the boomers had it better. But the millennials and the next generations are struggling to make ends meet.. Middle classes are diminishing and disappearing. There is chaos. Mainly jobs. Jobs are being designed that instead of helping families manage better, they suck the energy out of families. The pay is great, that's how capitalism works, great pay for sucking your blood, yet the pay is useless in times of great inflation. Literally every major city jn in the world is expensive. Housing rates are so high. Despite doing well with education, having talent and skill, people are starving because the competition has become cutthroat. Most of the youth is left without a direction or purpose. And this youth will never have families because they don't know what to do with their lives The government has completely besieged us. Because in times of great poverty and crisis, having a paper of rights will be of no use.. The people will be helpless and increasingly dependent on the government for survival meanwhile the government will continue to exploit in the name of new leadership, and the elite will keep feeding on the middle class to fatten their reserves. The problem is that when you get too parasitic, there is nothing left to hunt or steal.. How long will the elite keep raping the middle class. Once people have been thrown into sudden poverty due to unemployment and lack of government support, these people will be rendered useless by the loss of sheer will, what will the elite harvest. There will still be talent.... But the thing is... What about purchasing power. Who will buy from this elite? Without money there will be nobody left to buy anything and business will shut down leading to more unemployment. The thing is that you can't rape people. You can't take everything away from people and strip them naked and actually imagine things to get better. You are digging your own Graves. You are causing mass number of people to die out of hunger, illness, suicide, unemployment and poverty and still expecting that humanity will continue.. The thing is... That if you make people helpless, you can make them do anything.. Job is almost like slavery.. Once you have people helpless, you can make them do anything. You can bank on their fears of survival. You can make them believe anything. Helpless people grasp at straws. They would do anything to just survive. People themselves being a time bomb. That can be potent. They will believe in race wars and division and all sorts of things the media will peddle. People will do senseless things in senseless times. Pretty much this is what you witness in America recently. America is a melting pot, it kinda represents a mini version of the world. America is like a cardboard model of a house. Whatever happens in America usually and eventually happens in the world as well. America is just an indicator of what's to expect. In a sense it's like a Guinea pig of the rest of the world. Whatever ways in which America suffers, is the same way in which the world will reflect this suffering. It seems like terrible times are yet to come. But actually not having kids is a good thing. Because why make them suffer. It seems like the woes won't go away and are here to stay. People will continue to vote for bad leaders. And government as usual won't take responsibility..

With feminism and lots of women choosing to be single and not wanting children, we are going to experience historically low birth rates. In such times it's important to have a significantly low mortality rate. Yet the mortality rate continues to climb. The reason why vaccines were invented, and almost all of human invention from steam engine to automatic food production to invention of medical equipment and general technology was all for the ultimate survival and benefit of mankind Yet look at what's happening. Instead of ensuring survival we are sabotaging survival. Stress itself is the leading cause of death in the world. People are being paid Lower, middle classes are being taxed and burdened leading to the thinning of the middle class, the elites getting fatter each day, the poorer getting poorer, jobs getting harder or completely automated to remove humans, it's crazy how we are destroying the same thing we worked so hard to secure. In a way humanity is committing mass suicide. So many people live without insurance. So many people don't have access to even basic medical care. So few doctors. So few hospitals. Governments aren't equipped to treat a large number of sick people. The medical field is constantly under funded. Much of the funding is usurped by corrupt politicians and a system that looks invisible The money is hard to come by. And whatever comes goes in invisible ways. Governments have failed throughout the world in securing a good future for people. Even tribal communities do a better job at sustaining survival of the tribe than the government Crime is always high since the 90s. Crime has become an ever present problem.

I have some healing for y'all, look no further. I used to have things to say, now I feel too aware to communicate to others. Heaven is in my mind and everybody is already here. I already sense responses from everybody else. I like to play, but I know reading is better for me. Everytime I get on this site to start a topic, I start talking to myself enough onscreen until I just open up yet another document and fill in pages and pages and pages of questions and answers and affirmations and stories. My computer is just an empty desk with virtual form. Maybe I'm not appreciating form enough. Maybe I'm craving reality physically. Maybe I'm deeply fucking over it. Maybe I need to take more DMT to awaken. Maybe I need to take some fucking bipolar medication because somebody else recognizes a distinction in me once I start getting energetic and jovial. Maybe I should contemplate. Maybe I should consider more possibilities and make people feel my pain. I don't intend to be so cruel to you guys. This pain is pretentious anyways. It's all just thoughts. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel passionless. Mental illness is just a distinction of being cured, I understand that. If you want to play life on extreme difficulty, try explaining awakening beyond form to a mental health professional attempting to diagnose you because of what your parents said you believed. Of course, you don't believe anything; you simply consider. You talked too fucking much. For that, I dislike my parents for ever trying to fucking tell me I'm different. And they tell me this all the time. I love them for making me who I am though; I have nobody else to be anyways. Hate is love. Maybe I like being unhappy right now. I have a news flash. Creativity is the source of mental illness. People tend to go overboard. We are very clever dramatists even to ourselves. I'd rather play with the fact that the remaining universe is the Buddha's mind not yet awoken from meditating on the future. Maybe I'm the future Buddha, oo Maitreya. But so is everyone else. Nobody wants to be themselves. Wouldn't it be fun to roleplay as any other form? That sounds like an actor complex. Ah, so I'm the creative type who has difficulty forming a sense of identity. I think laterally do I? Honestly, I only think because I remember looking for another authority figure's point of view. It comes from the literal "Heaven in my mind" possibility that I keep tabs with. I communicate to all of y'all telepathically-- you like how I built the place? The Dao Sustains. No matter what. No question can fix reality. If one did, it would annihilate everybody. If somebody had an answer for reality, it would call for suicide or a really big explosion. Explanation of the answer is asking somebody to take a pleasurable shit on your face while you already feel bad. In that situation, they know more because you asked less. I am aware of the answer, everybody. Don't gotcha me. So literally the only thing I have to do is appreciate shit? appreciate or die, spiritual seeker shit for brain awoken membrane. You are only another. You are not special; nobody thinks you are until you are and then even you begin to have doubts. Am I lazy for not being able to sustain appreciation because I get annoyed with my own forceful attempts to focus? Do I just like to come up with more and more stupid levels of wonder? It feels like an uncontrollable itch. I could cease, but where else am I gonna go? I'm tired of Leo's metaphysics. I want to know how I could create physicality itself, not build a motorcycle. I'm already on track for that. I mean I want to be responsible for inviting the aliens on the white house lawn type shit. Do I want the responsibility? Do I want the selfish, THAT WAS MINE, accomplishment of it? No, I only love the magic of happening. My dad really wants it to happen. I'm not any more useful to him as anything else other than his son if I don't possess that possibility. Do I want to be more than who I am? Am I attempting to prove something grand? I suppose that's my problem. Stage Orange levels of self progress, lack of assimilation into the stage Green community. Fuck people. That's all I want. I am tired of seeing people as my soul. I want to objectify women again. Oooo. That's egoic corruption. Cleanse, my son. You need Jesus. *a couple worship songs later* Fuck Jesus. Krishna is better. * a couple hare hare's later* Krishna is fucking sick. THE END .. Don't forget the DejaVuddha. Buddha imagined him first before he walked a million miles. That's how he left that tree. Awakening is nothing short of DejaVu into infinite familiarity. Remember where it began: once you saw it all before!! hahaha * a couple evil laughs later* Fuck you. Contemplate and then say something interesting.

In my experience, bodily pain isn't very bad as such. Worrying, striving, conflicts and so forth are far worse. Have you ever been in incapacitating non-malicious pain (not talking about torture!) while convinced it's OK and there is nothing you need to do? It's easy to relax and not to resist pain then and suicide becomes only another word for no more dope. You've got to wonder... why would people liberated from thought use language so unskillfully? If you were talking for the benefit of others rather than yours, why speak at all unless you're going to be understood? If you were able to see things from the perspective of others, couldn't you speak words they'd understand?

@Nahm suffering is real. 100%. 200%. Absolutely. Totally. Completely. Pain that is. Very unpleasant sensations. Makes some people go nuts. Fall into depression. Commit suicide. You probably had plenty of it throughout your life and still experiencing glimpses of it it here and there throughout your day. I'm not talking about philosophical spiritual abstract suffering.. That is not "real" suffering.. Real suffering is physical material objective in this area or that..

Feels pointless writing a post about all this I am going through. I am still writing this nonetheless, which means that I do see some point in it, doesn't it? I do not know what I mean by saying "I". Can give it a name, one description or another but names and descriptions are in a different realm than what I experience myself to be. Almost as if this "I" is an activity rather than an entity. This produced numbness IME. Feels like all these happenings just happen. No effort is made for them to happen. Meanings dismantle. All the ideas are seen as ideas. Limited and unnecessary therefore no action is taken to embrace and make them happen. This state brought a feeling of what they call "non-doership". This sounds nice, right? Doesn't feel nice, though. Actually, it feels worse. And whats the worst about it is that I'm okay with it! Even feel happy about it. I feel like there is nothing to talk about, nothing to think about, nothing to do in life. This made me isolated AF. Friends are slipping away, family is slipping away, all meanings are slipping away. I am becoming lonelier and lonelier day by day. And you know what, I see no point in doing anything about it. It's like I really do not give a shit. On the contrary, I do care all about it. But this caring-not-caring warfare inside is what catches all of the attention therefore little to no attention is left for anything else. This isolated state is not satisfactory. No joy, no bliss. Only this "no-me" which is actually just a new "me". Sensations of frustration and wanting to get out comes up more frequently. I've caught myself wanting to brute-force abandon my mind while on DMT trip. I also feel like physical death wouldn't be something bad. That's one way of getting rid of this "I-thought". Easy way. Although even suicide feels ridiculously pointless. It's like I've reached a point where I no longer have a choice. All that is wanted is getting rid of the "I-thought". It feels like life is not worth living with this illusory assumption of a separate self. I am considering leaving everything behind and going completely quiet, although this idea feels even more vague and lonely. Paradoxical, but at this point I feel like making it further by myself is very unlikely, if possible at all. On the contrary, am considering to start attending vipassana retreats, meditation retreats, psychedelic ceremonies ect. At the same time, putting trust in teachers sounds like a joke. However, as I have stated before, all these ideas are just mere ideas. It's like being stuck in observing without the ability to act on anything. I want this to end. Feel like wasting my life being in this "non-doer" state of shit.

You don't understand. First of all, that's a very slow and painful way to die. Secondly, I couldn't do that even if I wanted to because I live with my family so they would force food and water on me. Thirdly, that would be suicide. Fourthly, I am in fact content with my life as it is and I am flowing with it. Maybe you got the wrong impression but I don't hate my life and I don't passionately love it either. I don't feel any emotion in particular towards life. It's neutral to me. Death, on the other hand, is something new and mysterious, and therefore interesting to me.

Saturday July 25th, 23:04 I think I'm past the worst of this dark night of the soul, although I can't say that with full confidence yet. It's been extremely rough. There have been some times in the last two months where it's just been terror. I really don't want to talk about it too much right now, but just some really dark feelings and thoughts. Although I can't say this with full confidence either yet, my way out of this seems to be that it's important that I start working towards a life purpose. Hence I have bought the life purpose course in a sort of moment of panic. When I bought the life purpose course I was repeating to myself "I MUST, I MUST", but very quickly I found that this attitude of trying to force myself to do something like this wasn't going to work. Since then, I don't have the same kind of obsessive attitude about it, but in its place has come an attitude where I'm just like... what gives... I can do it anyway because the alternative of not trying anything and not doing anything isn't going to serve me any better. I have been having that attitude with a lot of things lately. With many things, I am not sure if it's going to work or if it's going to help me, but do I rather just stay in bed depressed? Today I had a moment of clarity in which I realised or felt that I had the power within me to actually create a lasting change within myself and really create a good life for myself and consistently spend a lot energy developing structures, routines, disciplines and so forth, whereas before I never felt like I could because 'I don't work that way' or 'everything goes in cycles so it's only inevitable for me to quit it' or whatever clever reasoning I had. I started to notice that whenever I felt like I couldn't continue with something but then still did it, thinking it was the last time I would still have the energy for it, that then the next day I found I could do it again, and then the next day I could do it again, making me now think that this whole notion of me 'having to eventually quit or take a break from everything I try to do structurally' was perhaps maybe just all in my head, a strong self-fulfilling prophecy. There's still things I tend to be reluctant towards to accept or at least to let go of. Why do I have to suffer? Why is there suffering in this universe? Is there really more peace and bliss than there is suffering in existence? Bla Bla Bla... Useless questions. Getting me nowhere. In a way I'm sort of lucky to be such a deep spiritual non-dualistic thinker because it just makes me feel like the notion of suicide doesn't make any improvement in the best case scenario, and will give you only more trouble in the worst case scenario. I've had suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of what would happen if I did commit suicide made me too afraid to seriously consider doing something like that, although I have fantasized... I really don't like being here on this earth in this position. I don't like what I'm feeling and thinking, and I don't like what I'm seeing around me on this earth. But it's useless to complain, be negative and be miserable. The only thing I can do, the only thing I am really forced to do, is to start focussing on what my possibilities are, on what can be done and what life can be created for myself, alternated with just being very present in the moment and being in the here in now. A little bit of hope, a little bit of presence. That's all I can rely on right now. That's all I'm really forced to be concerned with. I can have hope for the future, but I got to realize that the steps taken towards a more fulfilling future are being taken right now, and that really the only power I have to create a situation in which both my inner and outer reality are more... prosperous are being dependent upon the steps I am taking right now. But at least I'm starting to feel like there is some power within me to create a life that is really fulfulling, that there is some possibility that can create a life for myself that can be really peaceful and joyful and not be forced to 'suffer my karma' as some kind of victim as I previously believed. I dreaded that idea and it gave me a feeling of deep despair.

I am surprised why she didn't even mention Pakistan? A canduit for Mujahideen and Taliban. A good chunk of Suicide boomers come trained by Pakistan. It's a proxy war. A big part of the reason why Afghanistan has been suffering from many decades is because of the people themselves. Very iliterate, emotional and power thirsty. We don't let anyone rule us, yet never want to be united among ourselves. There always has been tribe wars between us. Afghanistan has a rich history, but how come we never established as a country? Because of our own people. Fund our leaders, they can literally do anything to disserve the country. And the good people get shot. The situation now is far worse than anytime with this "double headed" presidency. Looking at people's mentality, I don't think it's going to end soon.

Ah lol, I had a similar dream only that I was in a classroom and two girls who wanted to commit suicide. I didn't become lucid but something even weirder happened. Despite trying to convince them that life is worth living, they killed themselves... moment when I started floating in a horizontal position like I was laying in an invisible bed and saw the whole world breaking apart (along with my body) until nothing remained. So basically what I witnessed was this: ... when I woke up, I realized that I was God imagining the entire Universe. So don't underestimate dreams because they can actually trigger huge awakenings. They aren't really that stupid and meaningless as most people think.

Every 40 seconds a person commits suicide. Why do we have to care about this particular gamer person?

Is awakening like having a lucid dream, where you're conscious that it's a dream but you're still in it? I had a very dark dream the other day. In the dream, I was on the top of a mountain watching from a distance as there was a long row of about a hundred people that looked like they had just come out of a mental hospital (they were bald, their skins looked purpleish, they were wearing hospital gowns, they had bruises on their skin, and their eyes were locked and lifeless). They were robotically walking to the edge of the mountain, picking up a rope that was on the ground, and commiting collective suicide. When they all did it, another group of a hundred people came and did the same. Then another group, then another group, and on and on it went for a while. It felt like a very dark presence was in the air that was driving those people to do those things. I have no fucking idea how my brain just came up with that while I was asleep. I never have nightmares like that. My dreams are usually just me talking to my friends and doing random shit like flying or whatever. But this one was so freaky. I was very scared in the dream, but then I suddenly somehow realized it was a dream and became conscious in it. I started to shout at everyone that it was just a dream and I was asking them to stop that insanity, because it's just a dream and there was no reason to be hurting themselves like that. But that didn't help, they continued doing it. I had no control over them, even though it was my own dream. So, yeah, back to the question: is awakening like having a lucid dream, where you're conscious that it's a dream but you're still in it? Another dream I had, I was talking to a friend of mine, and then I suddenly stopped and asked him: man, life is so crazy, is it real? Then my friend said, thank God it's not real. Then I looked up at the sky and felt my consciousness expanding, transforming into a white light. Then I realized I was in a dream.

I hate everything, Literally. I hate my friends, my family, society, people, life in general. I can feel it everyday from when i wake up until i go back to sleep, then hope that i never wake up the day after and when i do, i just try to sleep again, and again until i get headaches from oversleeping. I can't bear it anymore and i hate saying this because it makes me sound weak. Those fucking thoughts in my head visualizing my self committing suicide in every way possible, from jumping from my rooftop to smashing my head in a wall until my skull breaks. But i would rather feel this hatred and pain then transfer it to someone else like my mom, although i fucking hate her too. (i feel guilty for saying this because she is my "mom".) These mixed feelings of loneliness, despair and hate that i am carrying inside of me everyday makes me want to isolate myself even more. It is as if i am a living black hole which is endlessly sucking itself alive. I hate interacting with people because i lost hope in everything. I feel that talking is as useless as living. meaningless. Talking to anyone makes me feel as if i am the stupidest human that could possibly live on this planet. makes me want to lock myself into a soundproof room for a couple of days. sometimes i think what my life would have looked like if i just cared about the mundane shit that everyone seems to care about and just died in peace instead of suffering like this.

One of the biggest examples I can think of is the insecurities men have about being appearing "tough" in front of other men (and women). It holds us back as a gender from becoming more mature and developed. For example as suicide rate statistics show there is an epidemic of poor mental health among many men; However if any man tries to bring up their mental health struggles among a group of other men in a social setting or even in the workplace (that isn't in a public spotlight) - they are laughed at, called a pussy, and told to tough it out. And if those blunt immature attitudes aren't on display most men will simply respond by being passive, dismissive, deliberately ignorant, and denying the problem exists. The only refuge you will find among men socially is if you bring it up in private to someone you're close to, will you be better understood or supported. The reason for this happening of course is because of an attachment to an old traditional patriarchal perspective of what it means to be a man. Men are socially encouraged by one another to desperately try to out-compete each other in the game of pea-cocking strength and stability, admitting any sort of hardship and asking for help is considering a weakness and retreat from this game (as well as an insult to the game). And it's implied without being said that men "should" not be able to emotionally support each other, because that's the woman's role. This probably comes from a place of homophobia and ignorance, the assumption that it's impossible to men to offer each other intimate emotional support without some kind of sexual intention. This is obviously childish and preposterous but hey most men are pretty stupid and insecure about themselves lol, hence why it's such a problem. I worked as a firefighter for 8 years and it astounded me just how little overall development, procedures, and resources there were regarding this issue. These kind of mental health struggles are rampant among emergency services members, yet so many of these suicides, medical leaves, and overall inefficiencies could be prevented if men would just get out of their own way and had the courage and maturity to support each other. It is getting better though as far as I've seen, and there was improvement in just the short time I was there. Anyways the irony in all this is that men would actually display the greatest amount of strength by being vulnerable in front of each other and leading their brothers out of those dark places. As @Leo Gura has talked about Fear is such a pervasive force. Men are so insecure and care what other men think sooooo damn much that it cripples us all as a gender and holds us back. If the attachment to this idea isn't toxic masculinity I don't know what is.

Couple of points for self-reference, nothing personal. It all comes down to brutal self-honesty, guided by your own intuitions, and based on your own goals. Almost all the viral gurus new/old, doesn't matter, have been framed and allegations have been made. Mooji also has been framed for being responsible in someones suicide. Teal Swan is somebody who is called out into causing someones suicide. Sadhguru is constantly having legal battles over his isha foundation settlements. He has some controversy over wether he can own a bike which he loves to ride, and that he built adi yogi statue on elephant corridor. And allegations of having multiple wives and being responsible for murdering his wife, while she left by falling into samadhi, and so many others. Osho... you already know all you need to know about osho, if you watch a few docs about him. Nithyanda has a false rape case aginst him, and allegations on child abuse in his gurukul and probably so many things over the years, many legal battles too probably. Leo has got some fair controversy too. Youtubers talk about him about being a madman who talks nonsense, or being too liberal on drugs. If i correctly recall i saw @Amandine expressing some toughts on him too. Some of your todays gurus like rupert shpira, echkart tolle, you know, the good ones. Have ate meat and probably still are from time to time. Yeah if you are vaegue enough and passive enough then some people will accept you as your teacher, and others will be labeled cultusts. However there really is a potential harm with cults, for sure. And anyhow, gurus are not perfect people and life is wild and people will make mistakes... So does that make their teachings more untrue? We are literally scraping by, maybe a thousand people in the world ate enlightened right now. So we don't have the perfect teacher. To even do that is harsh. Harsher and harder work than what the naysayers do together. Peace.

Last night I had a dream and it was a bit weird and funny. When I woke up, I was laughing thinking about it. So this is how the dream goes. There are two scientists debating about life on the moon. One of them scientist B is already on the moon exploring the landscape and the other is on earth having communication with him and discussing various aspects. One of the interesting things was that as B exploring the land on the moon he saw a lot of criss cross markings that went far out of eyesight which indicated to him that these were roads dug out and constructed once upon a time and they left the markings after destruction. Also was the strange thing that at specific points were long tubular pits with diamond shaped transparent crystals at the bottom of the pit resting against the tubular walls of the pits. These transparent diamond shaped were perfectly cut as if they were cut by humans or machines, so they could not have been naturally formed. Further these crystals mere made of a material that was so explosive that if triggered or activated it could lead to complete destruction of the civilization that might have existed on the moon. Scientist A is taking notes of the findings by B.. Scientist B also discovers structures that are made out of copper, basalt, limestone, bronze and rock. Basalt is very hard to carve and so he figures that its only possible by human or human like intelligent species to have done that. Scientist A concludes that placing a detonating crystal at the bottom is just a mass suicide plan or plan B to escape suffering or invasion of some sort. And he thinks that something must have been terribly wrong for the civilization to take such a course of action so as to obliterate their own species and put an end to their existence by mass destruction. When I wake up, the image of the crystal is fresh in my mind and I'm giggling and also wondering if there was any truth to all of this at all. Weird.

Not sure if you welcome questions and comments from others. If you'd rather not, let me know and I'll hide this. In short, just two items. 1.In relation to the above quote, It tickled me a few years ago when Episcopal Priest Cynthia Bourgeault refereed to this kind of volunterism as opposed to genuine altruism as "dogooderism". 2. A quote- "The absence of Joy is slow suicide" - Ocke de Boer

You keep waiting for magic cures! I have no idea what you call "energy" but you don't need it to got out and walk. Walk fast or walk uphill and that'll be exercise enough if you're out of shape. Simply walking also makes it easy to observe the environment you're walking in (kind of like meditating). You can consider upgrading to running later but the main thing is to start doing something now. Working on the farm is probably a good idea as well. The reason your family's money isn't much use (but certainly not useless!) is apparently that you have no reasonable plans to do anything with it. Unlike hopes for magic, coming up with solid plans takes time. Let the doctors worry about what drugs (if any) are appropriate in your condition. Since your family has money, you'll have plenty of opportunity to talk to them about suicide or other side effects after they've recommended a drug.

Just watched Leo's victim video. It summarizes my mindset pretty well. I'm a victim. There's a few guys on this forum who are huge victims, i recognized them when i first started posting when i was in school. I never really understood them, and felt bad that they were just so powerless. I get it now. I'm right there with them. It's sad and funny. Feel like a total loser. I think i'm stuck in a perpetual state of shame or repressed shame? Maybe i have repressed anger, and so i'm stuck in constant shame complex? Hopefully therapy provides some good answers in this dimension. I feel a lot of pressure in the third eye and head region. This is the most tension that has been there since my LSD break through. I know that when the tension in the head is released and i let go fully that there will be a release of suppressed emotions, and break through to a higher state of being. This is exactly how it happened on my LSD trip, it's why i was so confident in what i was doing. The sensations are right here, i can feel them, but they won't release. I wonder if i just have to ride this low for however long it lasts, and then when the high comes i have to milk and use it to achieve financial independence. I was speaking to my uncle today, and i've heard from other sources too, manic depressives can achieve insane results when they are on a high. It's just a matter of how long the high lasts. If the high lasts beyond maybe 3-4 months, then i'm pretty sure i can ride that high and make money in that time. I could climb league to challenger, and then start writing and streaming. People would pay to see a manic dude play league of legends in a heart beat. I could think of how to market, and play up a character, but it could really work. That would set me up for my next low because i could just live off the money i earned and plan my next step. A major source of angst for me right now is the fact that i have no economic prospects. My family money is pretty much useless at this point, because I'm not a self sufficient human who could use the money to my advantage, and my parents won't give me the money until they die which won't be for like 40 years. By the time i inherit any money my life will be past it's prime, and if i haven't figured this shit out by 40 or 50 then it's likely i will never figure it out. That idea is crazy and i don't feel good about it, but i don't feel good about any of the other ideas either so idk. The next step for me is likely to ride the depressive wave until end of summer. Keep going to the farm asap and try to help out and work. See a psychiatrist and therapist, keep getting rasa, take meds, and then see how i feel on this regiment. The hope would be that a medication like prozac or lithium will prevent the lows i'm in right now, so i have more a stable baseline from which to function. If i had more energy from let's say prozac and well butrin, i would establish a strong morning routine and start running and working every morning using the new found energy. One concern of antidpressants is increased risk of suicide which is concerning. I sometimes think about what if i was suicidal, but i've never been seriously considering killing myself, my life was never that low. But i never thought i'd be this low, and i didn't think i'd drop out of law school, so the mind and the mood are maleable enough to not be trusted. I don't really understand the dynamics of suicide. If i am an infinite being, who's made of infinite pure love, then wouldn't i just come back in a different dream if i committed suicide. No one seems to have a good answer to this conundrum. My attitude towards suicide has always been i will eventually so there's no need to rush, and my life isn't anywhere near miserable enough to warrant suicide. If nothing works by the end of the year, i will likely pack my shit and move to asia and start english teaching. It could be fun to spend my mid 20s just bouncing around asia teaching, and learning to be independent and responsible. I really hope it doesn't come to this but it's an option. The ideal/goal is to address the problem of the mind and learn to control the mind in such a way that i can stabilize my mood, set solid goals that feel good, and just live a productive functional life and go from there. The purpose of the RASA, psychiatric meds, therapy etc is to gain control and tame the mind/ tame the ox. If i learn to tame the mind then all the above i wrote will be thrown out the window, and the trajectory of my life will be completely different. It will be like these pasts few months were just a bad dream, and i would begin with a blank slate in the present moment with a tamed mind. I hope this, or something similar happens. God willing.

I was very young when my father passed away. And his love was astronomical. And knowing how the situation was growing up, the pain was exponential. I did not process it as a normal passing. Even after so many years I still struggle with the loss of a very important person in my life. After that incident, life was never the same and I developed a hate for life. The worst part was that I already knew that my father would pass away by heart related complications and the same fate would await me as well. I knew that if I died in my life, it would be because of a heart problem. Somehow my destiny was always connected to my dad . I knew what he knew. He knew what I knew. He always worried about me. I think these things created in me a deep sense of self destruction. Self destruction was a normal part of my life for a long time. For some time after my father's passing, I was on high risk of suicide. But I have overcome that now I'm no longer a suicide risk but suicidal ideation has been a recurring theme in my life, and I am aware of it. I just let it be on the back burner. One of the major reasons that I converted to Christianity in 2015 was that it helped me to deal with "suicide related" issues. I overcame my suicide problem once I found Jesus (again). I used to pray Jesus lifelong starting from the age of, let's say, age 7 So conversion to Christianity was not a big deal. I was anyways a Christian. It's only that I had found Jesus as a savior once again. From then on, Christianity had a huge influence on my life and still continues to even today. I will never stop being a Christian. The only spirit that stayed by my side, was Christ, wholly, without expectation or price. I cannot betray such a companion comrade confidante.