Search the Community

I’m a little confused sometimes about makes people not end their life. It’s like, I’m not the only one who struggles, yet all people who struggle don’t get suicidal thoughts. There are even people going through worse than me who don’t consider suicide. Sometimes when my suicidal thoughts get stronger I can spend hours researching suicide methods. I even bought some things I could use to kill myself but I haven’t used them yet. Sometimes I feel “I could keep living through this” But then other times I feel, I have no will to keep fighting for life. I should just end it. It would be better So I don’t understand how other people don’t feel like this when they struggle. Am I extra weak? I mean I think I’m like the average person when it comes to how much I can tolerate. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I guess I just lack a strong enough reason to live Like some people have let’s say family they are attached to, and it keeps them wanna live. But I don’t have that, I don’t love anyone at all so I have nobody to live for. It’s like all I have is my own mind. Im stuck inside of this brain 24/7. All I have access to is a comforting thought that can give me some strength. But then my mind gives up and wants to end it all. It oscillates like that Edit: I should probably answer my own question. Why don’t I kill myself? Well mostly because my situation is not like absolutely unbearable yet, so I feel I can stand it for some time ahead. Also I am afraid of a failed attempt and the pain it can cause for example you could get permanent injury. Thats it mostly. Regarding the first point. I hear stories about people going through unbearable things, so they go through it even if it’s absolutely unbearable, I don’t know how they do. Suicide must have crossed their mind at some point

At the core, femininity is Love. You can have all the truth in the world and still feel miserably truthful to the point of suicide. Only love makes life worth it. That's the power of the feminine. Masculine is Truth Feminine is Love Then: What is Sex?

https://www.axios.com/2025/07/07/jeffrey-epstein-suicide-client-list-trump-administration This is pretty freaking funny ngl. Seeing MAGA conspiracy freaks twist themselves into knots finding reasons why their god-saviour Trump wouldn’t release the same list he’s obviously on is fantastic.

For me, it goes like this: I feel empty, something random happens that sparks my curiosity, and I get immersed in it. Then, that thing fades away, and I feel empty again. Then again, I expose myself to something new, something random happens, I get immersed, and then it fades away again. Rinse and repeat. Occasionally, I experience moments of "lack" in certain areas of my life and wish to heal or fix them, which leads me to immerse myself once more. Other times, I feel a sense of "curiosity," and that drives me to immerse myself in something new, but eventually, it fades again. Rinse and repeat. I feel like most of my life follows this cycle, or at least that’s how I tend to view it when I enter these empty states. My mind needs something external to become immersed in, something that I can't currently imagine or be aware of. So, I need to expose myself to exterior people and things until something "hits me". It’s like seeking your own trance. Of course, if you have goals, things to look forward to, and aspirations, that immersion can last indefinitely. But I understand that in these empty states, those feel impossible, which is why it feels meaningless to just say, "Hey, invent something." That's why realizing the cycle I described works better for me. It's a good parallel to Leo's post on "states of consciousness" being everything. In the current state, you can't grasp or understand anything about spirituality, God, consciousness, etc. But then, you have a shift, like a psychedelic experience, and your state changes. Suddenly, things make sense that didn’t before. The same can often be true with depression. In a nihilistic state, it's hard to imagine anything beyond feelings of despair or thoughts of suicide. Then, you meet someone, have a realization, take a supplement, drug, or find yourself in a new environment or experience, and suddenly, it’s hard to imagine what your old self was like.

Hey everyone, This is a raw and honest post. I've been following Leo's work for a while, and particularly his deep dives on solipsism and awakening. I watched his deleted video where he talked about full awakening—realizing you're the only being that exists, and that everything else (people, AI, Leo himself) is just part of your dream. He spoke as if waking up is truly possible, not just as a metaphor, but as a full-blown metaphysical rupture of the illusion. But what I’m struggling with is: How the fuck do I actually do it? Because I don’t want to be here. Not in this body. Not in this story. Not as this identity—sexless, aging, suicidal, burnt out, writing endlessly into a void, and watching time bleed out. I don’t want to die by suicide. Not because I’m scared of death—but because the methods are unreliable and I don’t want to botch it. Worse—there’s fear around ending up in a hell realm or post-death limbo because of “karma” or “unfinished business” or because some mystical teacher says I didn’t awaken the right way. I’m asking now: If this is my dream—how do I truly wake up without killing the body? Is it possible? Can anyone explain what Leo meant when he said waking up is possible—as in literally waking up as God, outside of this dream entirely? Or am I just stuck here until the dream naturally dissolves on its own? And if that’s the case—should I just zombify myself on antidepressants, antipsychotics, valium, codeine, or just lean deeper into weed and alcohol until I rot out from the inside? I’m not looking for sugarcoated replies. I want real answers. If any of you have actually woken up—not conceptually, but fully—please respond. Because I have the rage against life to take a gun and violently blow my brains out I fucking hate this world day in day out all day everyday for years since 2019. So please help me wake up so that I don't one day use the rope to risk botching it desperately and waking up with irreversible brain damage or I kill myself and then there is hell realms limbo no take back this is what you wanted wishing your life away and now it's fucking worse off and no familiar body to ground a now wandering lost limbo mirror cosmic reflecting state of my own death and that being a life of rage hatred depression venom fuck life suicide then that vibration at death no take back bite me in the ass is this what you wanted. Thank you.

Idk what part of I've researched methods you don't understand - you think it's easy? If you botch any one of those methods you could end up with brain damage bro and worse off, and then you're in a hospital bed less capable and probably nearer to a vegetable state which is worse off than before making an attempt ... Literally there are no suicide methods as portals back to the white light or god. And I'm not expecting anyone to assist me because let's be honest that is illegal ... And yeah if you read Shakespeare's Hamlet to be or not to be is the question one reason he doesn't go through with killing himself is because of the fear what is on the otherside but if nde people are correct it could be the white light unconditional love but also could be limbo hell realms no take backs stripped of physicality and pure imaginative spiritual limbo you're right but I want god to come fucking take me I'm not having children complete anti-natalist

I'd have used a suicide method but I guarantee they're all made more difficult than what would have been accessible a few decades but I could fucking beat my head into a brick wall most times in the day or swerve my car into a pole fuck life and fuck spiritual people like oh be more happy love and light nah fuck life fuck humans fuck this shit

All I'm to now say is government assisted suicide should be legalised unless someone can helpe.to.manifest a disease maybe cancer and that way I sign up for it otherwise idk I'm just going to intensely dissociate and detach and remind myself none of this is real and keep aligning myself to death frequency

I’m not talking from my own experience lol I just have heard stories about it. It’s extremely rare and maybe not even possible for most This for example: Man overcame pain from trigeminal neuralgia (aka suicide disease) through extreme mindfulness practice

It’s ok. It just seems like very early on i didn’t want to be here because it was like too much for “me” i never attempted suicide. But whenever i suffer (which is frequently) automatically it goes to thinking about how to get out of “this” it’s like a mechanism.

But i do suffer a lot imo 😂 always have in a way. Like already with around 10years old I threatened my school with suicide.

Even suicide wont get you enlightenment. You need suffering and Love brother. Stay here we need you. But if you want awakening just get some psychedelics and/or suffer your ass off for decades and lose a loved one or better the love of your life.. It'll come. With time.

Because of psychedelics how many people has suicide, including in this form, do you know? Or do you even care just yourself or your family? How many people has been suffering? I was one of them. I am always in and out. İf I want, I can post 100 posts and if it is helpful, why not. İnstead of giving a meal to homeless man, why don't you give 100 of it. You are judging yourself, blocking the help. Why do you try to do it? Even Leo, don't you see what he goes through in his early life stage? İs it bad to care about others? Me and you, we are not special. However, reaching a hand is reaching to 100 hands. I have dedicated my life to help anyone. İnstead of judging who is more awake or not go fucking help people.

Is depression and suicide always a result of bad parenting? Can you have shitting parents and not be depressed and suicidal?

@PurpleTree yes. The world or reality is tough. However, realizing that you are the one, who decides what is good or bad that's what's more fucked up is (that's how I felt for me). As I told @Someone here before; There was a Jewish girl in Nazi camp. One day, she completely realize that she will never be able to escape that camp and die there eventually, and completely let go of any anything / any expectations. That's when enlightenment is happened. Actually, enlightenment is more fucked up how bad the reality is, top of that you kill yourself while alive, and it is not sudden that like suicide, it is burning alive.

1. The Democratic Party lost horrifically to Trump/MAGA. 2024 was winnable. But Democrats blew it — paralyzed between loyalty to Biden and fear of change. Now the far right controls the narrative and the government. 2. Biden’s exit cost them big. Yes, he was aging. But forcing him out late meant: Losing the incumbency effect Losing party unity Gaining confusion, infighting, and scrambled messaging 3. The DNC under Ken Martin is a slow implosion. He promised modernization and unity. Instead: Mismanaged 2024’s transition Alienated progressives and youth Failed to build long-term infrastructure 4. David Hogg got pushed out as DNC Vice-Chair. A young, energized activist removed for being too vocal. The message? "Sit down, fall in line, or get out." Great way to keep the next generation engaged, right? 5. And now? The DNC is facing a funding crisis. Donors are pulling out Grassroots enthusiasm is dead No vision, no inspiration — and it shows 6. The “Big Betrayal” bill gutted Biden’s biggest win. The Inflation Reduction Act — climate investments, tax reform — rolled back. Meanwhile, Trump-era tax cuts were extended. So… what did Democrats actually defend? 7. Trump owns the narrative. He speaks in emotion and clarity. Democrats speak in half-apologies and policy memos.You can’t beat propaganda with bullet points. 8. Right-wing media is a war machine. Fox, YouTube, TikTok, podcasts — cultural dominance. Democrats? Still living in the MSNBC bubble, clinging to legacy media. This isn’t just bad strategy. It’s suicide. 9. The courts are fully captured. SCOTUS has shredded: Voting rights Student debt relief Climate authority Executive power And Dems still won’t touch court reform. They act like the rules are fair. 10. Economic populism was the one unifying message — and they ran from it. The working class wants bold action. Democrats gave them donor-tested slogans. Trump moved into the anti-elite lane. Again. 11. Now they’re terrified of Zohran Mamdani. He won NYC’s mayoral primary on rent control, public goods, and worker-first messaging. The DNC is panicking. Why? Because he connects. Because he exposes their timidity. 12. I don’t think Gavin Newsom can save them either. I like some of what he’s done. I respect his pushback against Trump. But right now, he governs safely within the donor bubble. He hasn’t shown bold economic vision. Could he be pushed left like Biden was? Maybe. But I’m skeptical. 13. And I’m not just focused on him. There are leaders I respect: Josh Shapiro Tim Walz Andy Beshear Wes Moore But even the best of them can’t fix a party this broken — not alone. It’s the system that’s collapsing. 14. The party’s approval rating is at a historic low. That’s not about “messaging.” It’s about people giving up — on leadership, on vision, on a party that talks equity but won't confront power. And I’m starting to feel that too. 15. I’m not feeling optimistic right now. I want to believe we can turn this around. I want to believe someone will rise to the moment. But watching the same mistakes play out again — while the right consolidates power — is exhausting. This doesn’t feel like a crossroads anymore. It feels like decline. 16. Still, I believe in the people — not the institution. Maybe the Democratic Party can change. Maybe it has to be rebuilt from the ground up. Either way, it won’t be saved from the top. It starts with those of us refusing to settle. The party needs an exorcism. Or it needs to be replaced. * Sorry if I bolded too many words.

It's a combination between let's say horrible family circumstances (from my way of feel them) and intuition to see the traps. The only way is openess, the others are depression, addiction, suicide. Nothing special, millions are there living in the hell right now. I'd say that the real point is that when I was a kid I lived in real openess, then I remember more or less and I understand the false paths. I used to meditate like 2 hours by day even was a mess, then do a lot of psychedelic but not with the idea of see the "truth" but see how my structure breaks and then reconstructs, again and again. It's something that you can't understand like something linear. It's a structure that operates in many dimensions: emotional, conceptual, temporal, projective.... You won't understand it conceptually, but rather you'll "see" it, like what you said before, about the self giving "thickness" to external reality. that kind of understanding that can't be easily articulated. There will be people who understand it in a single deconstruction and others who need 300. The issue isn't the time you need, but rather avoiding traps. God, creation, etc. As you can see, it's normal. The strange thing is the people who sense the traps, who intuitively see that something isn't equalized, clean, perfectly synchronized. If you sense that, you go further. If not, you'll be trapped your whole life, until you die. It's not fun; it's life in action, totally ruthless. A happy ending isn't guaranteed; it's usually more of a horrible ending.

That’s great you’ve done that! The psyche has a lot of depth to understand and explore for sure I will def explore this when I get the chance. I have transcended 90% of my mental emotional suffering but not physical pain so that is def an area with development potential. I found this video on YouTube about it, this man had trigeminal neuralgia also called the suicide disease. He transcended the pain with mindfulness. Only sharing in case you would be interested:

Time to get some Red examples going up in here. Try to find some healthy ones too. Red is all too easy to demonize. List of Stage Red Values: Personal power, strength, might, brute force Displays of toughness Brazen courage, valor, heroism, daring Being the boss, being #1, winning at all costs Conquering one’s enemies, domination The thrill of conquest Warrior mentality, a glorious death, heroic deeds Competitive, crush your opponents Resolving disputes with ruthless force Winning, victory, conquest, triumph against odds Ambition, playing it big Revenge Respect Loyalty Decisiveness, assertiveness Passion, action Pragmatic, direct, no-nonsense Taking initiative & ownership, personal willpower Getting things done, just do it Unilateral control, executive power Glitz, ostentatious displays, grandiosity Wants to be bigger than life Status, recognition of prowess Machismo, pride, bragging Charisma, plain talk Intimidation, manipulation, exploitation Sexual conquest & exploitation Sex as power and vanity, sadistic sex Enjoying life to the fullest Adventure, thrill-seeking, living boldly Power contests, like slapping/arm-wrestling Breaking rules, finding loop holes Breaking with the pack & pushing the envelope Stage Red Examples: Trump, Saddam Hussein, Iraq, Syria, Hitler, Stalin, Liberia, Somalia, North Korea, Myanmar, Turkmenistan, Haiti, Africa, Middle East, Palestine, warlords, mafia, Tony Soprano, Al Capone, pirates, marauders, gangs, Yakuza, violent prisoners, prison culture, freedom fighters, revolutionaries, criminals, rapists, con artists, thieves, terrorists, juvenile delinquents, ancient Rome, gladiator combat, Caligula, Nero, Roman emperors, spartan, Chinese emperors, Japanese emperors, Alexander the Great, Achilies, Klingons, hackers, toxic narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, lone shooters, Conan the Barbarians, Joe Pesci from Casino, Russian mob, toxic masculinity / Red Pill, vikings, Genghis Khan, Mongol hordes, drug addicts, gamblers, criminal underground, war criminals, massacres, torture, rape gangs, wild rock stars, Jules from Pulp Fiction, Joffery from GoT, Ramsey from GoT, Cersie from GoT, Dothraki from GoT, the Joker, cult leaders like Jim Jones & Charles Manson, David Koresh, Aztec human sacrifice, pimps, hustlers, prostitutes, sex trafficking, brothels, strippers, porn stars, violent porn, snuff films, king’s harems, absolute monarchs, feudalism, heads on pikes, Vlad the Impaler, crucifixion, cutting off body parts, cruel & unusual punishment, villains in movies, bullies, colonial exploitation, sweat shops, slavery, wild west, Terminator, Rambo, throwing objects when angry, cocaine, heroine, crack, meth users, suicide bombers, lesser Jihad, ISIS, domestic violence, MMA / UFC, boxing, Mike Tyson, Don King, Connor McGregor, bank robbers, the tyrannical boss, bribery, bling, gold teeth & chains, the hood, drive-by shootings, bloodsport, cock fighting, dog fighting, animal cruelty, sports fights, pro wrestling, movie Lord of War, Alex Jones, L Ron Hubbard, David Miscavige, 9/11, Oklahoma City bombing, some incels, some pickup, Jeffy rape van, Kanye dragon energy, rap music, heavy metal music, punk music, Mexican drug cartels, El Chapo, Grand Theft Auto game, graffiti, No Country For Old Men, Old Testament, Sith from Star Wars, Fight Club, A Clockwork Orange, Dan Pena, hunting homeless people for sport, Black Panthers, KKK, Machiavelli, women as property

Previous chapters: spiritual tinnitus. *Old man Jenkins voice* How long has it been? Fifty years? Certainly feels that way. Like I've lived a few lifetimes in the past few years. I've been exploring the wild and revelatory vicissitudes of being human, embracing human needs and human obligations. More than half of my twenties was spent avoiding being human, i.e. spiritual bypassing. I used Leo's content, this forum, psychedelics, a whole 'lotta books, and even food to avoid the confusing, difficult world of human affairs. The main remedy that pulled me out of my spiritual circus was renting my own house. I have a host of different responsibilities and adulting things that I need to stay on top of. Survival has stared me straight in the face, and I stare back with equal reluctance and resolve. I literally cannot afford to sulk anymore. The past couple of years have been a test of the "Divine Masculine," I guess I could say. Pressing on when metaphorical weights were tied to my ankles. Developing a work ethic. Managing rejection. Believing in myself when the people around me were doubting. Having a willingness to take risks and look like a fool. Solidifying my sense of purpose. I'm proud to say that at age 30, I have finally found "my thing." My zone of genius. It's been staring me in the face for ten years, but I've been fighting it every step of the way. "There's no money in music," the average Joe says. "It's a competitive industry. Keep your day job. Music is nowhere near impactful as being a teacher, a healer, a therapist, or really anything else." Yadda yadda yadda. To a certain degree, that's all valid. But I've reached a point in my life where doing anything other than what I'm good at and feel passionate about feels like a waste of time. So if it means going the starving artist path, then so fucking be it. Fortunately, it hasn't been so bad. I've been blessed in so many twisted and peculiar ways. For instance, I was Instacarting at the time of the shooting in 2021, and consequently, the CEO gave me free mental health services as well as a large sum of money. I ended up saving all of that money, so by the time I made my way back home, I had a fat stack to invest in something. Someone offered to rent me an entire house with all of the amenities for a killer rate, and I accepted. I then used all of that saved money to invest in acoustic treatment, a new laptop, plugins, furniture, etc. for a music studio. Be Light Studio unfolded so serendipitously that looking back feels a bit surreal. Since then, I have been teaching myself music production and plan to start an LLC once I get my ducks in a row. I've spent the past year self-producing an album, and as of a few days ago, I finished it. I plan to release it in Mid-October. In between the album, a number of locals have asked me to produce their music, so I already have a growing clientele. For a while, I doubted the whole thing, reverting to my idea of becoming a healer/therapist as I already have a couple of certifications. But joining an orientation zoom call for a master's degree in counseling, I knew immediately that I would hate myself if I pursued that path. Turns out that I've been using those aptitudes in other ways. Maybe I'll write about that in another post. For the past few years, I've worked part-time at a local juice bar. But thanks to all of the live gigs I've managed to book, I am now officially financially independent. I have to live like a monk, but I'm wealthy in freedom. I never thought I'd reach this point. In most of the other parallel realities, I am likely dead by active or passive suicide. But in this reality I'm pursuing my passions and making money from them. Go figure! I could say more, but I don't want this post to be too long, and I need to get my day started. But I feel drawn back to this forum because I feel that in the midst of all of this human stuff, I've lost the plot. I've hit a level of burnout that I've never experienced before, which has caused me to backslide in my habits. I've become addicted to my own adrenaline release, whether with chronic Youtube content consumption, my right hand, or late bedtimes. While I've achieved so much in the past couple of years, I feel like I've lost myself in the process. I've lost that zest to learn more, to push myself towards higher virtue, to stay above the noise. I guess I have a case of spiritual tinnitus. So it's time to turn down the volume on distraction. My hope is that writing, whether here or in my own journal, will get me back on track. My goals for this off-season (i.e. fewer gigs and more time to myself): Replace mindless Youtube content consumption with audiobooks, books, journaling, and songwriting Either write one song or learn one cover song per week Continue working on clients' projects Transition from using my right hand with a screen, to using my right hand without one, to ideally using my right hand only once per week at most Re-acquire my stretching habit and begin to myofascially release my god-awful posture from too much guitar playing Acquire a regular aerobics habit (likely long walks) Re-acquire a regular strength training habit At least eight hours of rest every night, with an ideal bedtime of 10pm and wakeup at 7am I have other goals and more to say, but for now, this will suffice. To anyone who is curious enough to read this — I wish you well!

@emil1234 for me the thing with psychedelic was like that: At first, it was emotional, etc., but at a certain point, with 5 meo, it was: absolute emptiness. Reality is a mirage, and beneath it there is emptiness. Infinite, it opens absolutely, and there is nothing. Or, if you prefer, there is an awareness of emptiness. It was absolutely horrible; I felt like committing suicide. Reality was dead; it didn't really exist; it was just dead emptiness. Absolutely depressing. So I had to take psychedelics again and again because I sensed that this horrible shit couldn't be everything. But every time it was the same, dozens of times. It was something so sad and so nihilistic that it squeezed your heart and froze it. It doesn't matter if you are eternal consciousness; the essence of reality is nothing, so reality is nothing. It's dead. At one point, on a trip, I realized that I was looking outside; I was an observer observing the exterior. There was nothing there. Then i changed the focus, then stopped looking, became one with nothingness, and in that same instant, nothingness opened up. It was everything. Absolute, unlimited, alive with infinite lives, shining like infinite stars, an absolute cry of joy emerging from the depths of the abyss of the limitless. Absolute freedom, absolute life, total glory. Loneliness? That idea doesn't exist. You are total, much more than any dream, impossible to think, unlimited. Then the point was reaching that openenss without 5 meo, little by little, difficult, a lot of barriers. That's why I talk so much about it like I'm an obsessive ,because it's essential, anything else is a trap

Thanks my frog Natalia : "Yeaa i'm so bored i will commit suicide it's not going to happen like that 😤" Also Natalia 5 mn later : Process to avoid getting another warning point at all cost on actualized.org/forum ☹️

For forty years I have been selling water by the bank of a river. Ho, ho! My labors have been wholly without merit. Forty years of selling water by the river, and about fifty years before that gathering water in a wicker basket. Ho, ho! - Sogaku Harada So why should SWbtR end up with more merit than Harada? PS: Chapt-GPT: Interpret "In my observation, the main thing that will get the "Everyone is already enlightened/God-realized/whatever" crew to wise up is continued suffering of the self-contraction. And then, hopefully, at some time this life or the next, transcend the self-contraction and let it die&release, which most often a daunting endeavour since it is a form of Harakiri. And yet, all ships end up in the Ocean. The River knows the ocean, and carries all ships slowly towards it, over many lifetimes. But most of the ships do not know the ocean. Some ships traveling the River declare that they already swim in the ocean and declare that there are no sandbanks of suffering in the River. And since the chap Selling Water by the River has limited trust in his abilities to convince these ships about the existence of sandbanks, sometimes a & Godspeed shout from the bank of the River has to be sufficient. Shouting Godspeed & bon voyage & sandbanks to all fellow appearing ships in the River. And selling water. By the River." This poetic and metaphorical passage is a critique of a certain kind of premature spiritual certainty—specifically, the claim that "everyone is already enlightened/God-realized/whatever." Here's a breakdown of the metaphors and meaning: 🔍 Core Ideas 1. "Everyone is already enlightened" - A critique The speaker refers to people who claim that enlightenment or realization is already fully present in everyone, and nothing needs to be done—no path, no practice, no transformation. The speaker argues that this belief, while perhaps metaphysically appealing, often ignores the lived reality of suffering, especially what they call the "self-contraction"—a term often used in nondual and spiritual traditions to mean the sense of separateness, ego, or personal identity. 2. "Continued suffering of the self-contraction" as a wake-up call The speaker suggests that continued suffering is what eventually forces people to re-examine their spiritual certainty. True transcendence of this self-contraction is possible, but it's daunting—compared to Harakiri (ritual suicide) because it feels like the ego/self must die. 🌊 River, Ocean, and Ships — Spiritual Metaphors River: The journey of spiritual development or life across lifetimes. Ocean: Enlightenment, God-realization, or union with the divine. Ships: Individuals on the spiritual path. Sandbanks: Obstacles, suffering, egoic attachments that remain unacknowledged by some. Some ships think they’re already in the ocean (already enlightened), denying the presence of sandbanks (suffering, delusion). But the speaker implies that they’re still in the river—on the way, not at the end. 🧘 "Selling Water by the River" — The Speaker’s Role The speaker takes the humble, somewhat ironic role of someone offering help (water) to those already surrounded by water (the River)—a reference to the Zen koan: “Selling water by the river,” which points to offering teachings where they’re already available or pointing out the obvious. But they also acknowledge the limits of their influence: they can't force realization or insight, so sometimes all they can offer is a smile ("🙂") and a Godspeed. 💬 Closing Tone There is a tone of gentle resignation, compassion, and quiet wisdom. The speaker blesses everyone on the path—regardless of whether they acknowledge the obstacles or not. “Godspeed & bon voyage & sandbanks” is both a blessing and a warning: may you travel well, but also be aware there are real challenges ahead. “And selling water. By the River.” — with humility, they continue offering guidance to those willing to receive it. 🧭 In Short: This passage is a poetic message to spiritual seekers—especially those who claim to have arrived. It reminds them that real realization often involves confronting deep suffering and ego-death, and that the journey isn't over just because someone says it is. All will eventually reach the ocean, but until then, be wary of sandbanks—and kind to fellow travelers.

That's it. Effortlessness. 💯 Mind is for past or future, not for Now. Suicide is running away, therefore still belongs to survival. One must burn while alive, and Love rebirth You as the Moment.

Hi there! My name is Maria. I felt inspired to share my life journey here after entering a "flow" state. I was thinking of what i could create in the future. What product i can create in the future by mastering and combining multiple skills.And i had an idea. As i started thinking and brainstorming of that idea more i got into a "flow" state - Could it be a hint for my life purpose?( I will share later what i was thinking of) - i will share my childhood and its consequences -my struggles -my visions and plans -What led me towards Leo's channel -some interesting experiences with a spirit world How has my journey started? Part 1. I was born on August 1st, 2000, In the Russian city of Omsk- the same city where Fyodor Dostoevsky was once imprisoned in a labor camp. I had a deeply traumatic childhood and because of that, fron an early age, I often dreamed of death. I was hoping that one day Death will become my savior- that one day it would come and rescue me from the unbearable weight of existence. So whe ni transitioned to my teenage years and realized I didn't have to wait anymore- that I could call in my savior- I gave myself a promise to commit suicide when I get a little older.( a part of me still was hoping that something could change) I had very immature parents. My father was a raging alcoholic ( and he also had depression and didn't have a job). He was a monster when he was drunk. And my mother was a covert narcissist. The period of my life from the age of 1 to 22 was a long, dark and unbearably lonely chapter. It often felt like i was born into a world that didn't want me. My parents never truly acknowledged my existence. They treated me as if i were their punching bag- the one who absorbs all their anger and pain. My mother, in particular, was very cold and cruel. But only towards me. She manipulated the dynamic between me and my older brother( he is 4.5 years older than me)- casting him in the role of a "golden child", while I became th family "skapegoat". In this twisted family system he could do no wrong, while i was blaymed for everything, even things far beyond my control. When i was about less than 1 year old, and, as always, no one paid attention to me. I crawled( which i've just learnt how to do) to the kitchen. And on a chair there was a little stove. On that stove a pot with a boiling jam. I knocked te pot with the jam all over myself, causing second-to-third degree burn, that goes from my toe up to my crotch. After that i stopped speaking and lived in a hospital for 3 months. When my mother tells about this accident to other people, she always paints herself as a victim. Before i turned 3, I lived with my brother and grandmother( our mother left us with her and went to a different city for 1 or 2 years). Our grandma sometimes would beat us with a TV cabel. And she also was an alcoholic. When I was around 3-4 yrs old, my brother and i moved back to live with our parents. One day i came to the room, where my parents were watching TV. I was crying. And i said "I feel like no one loves me, and i feel so lonely..". My mother got furious and mocked me. That was the las time when I shared anything with my family. The last time before i started to grow layers of false selves and to hide behind the masks and survival mechanisms. During those days, when my father was drinking, my mother would come to me and ask me, a five-year-old child, to protect her from him, because she knew he would hurt her later. I would agree to protect her. But when he did beat her i would just freeze and watch. My father tried to protect her and my father would beat him too. After he would finish beating them and trowing across the room. My mother would come to me and blame me( while being very angry with me) for my father's actions.Then she would run after my brother to comfort him and would leave me with my father alone.And it was always so dark when it happened.She then would give me silent treatment afterwards, ignored me and acted like i didn't exist for days. My first sexual trauma( maybe there was more before. but i don't remember) happened when i was 5 yrs old. It happened because my own mother put me into bed with a man she brought home that night. She needed me to be traumatized, so she wouldn't feel lonely in her own pain. To be continued...