Psychonaut

I'm in a pretty tough spot with my relationship right now and could really use some outside perspectives. Lately, most days feel more bad than good. I'm trying to get clearer on whether we even fit together anymore. I tried making a list of the pros and cons of our relationship, and I'm finding it really hard to see the positive sides, even though I know they exist. I also feel like I have a bias toward perceiving negative things more strongly. Here are some points that are running through my head: The "Pros" (which I see, but are sometimes hard to pinpoint): She's an open person. At the beginning, I felt like she really understood me, but that feeling isn't as strong anymore. She gets me out into nature, which is good for me. I admire her ability to wriggle out of situations, her euphoria and drive, and her simplicity. Her sensitivity is a strength and a weakness, she can sense when I think about certain things which can feel a bit intrusive. We've had some really beautiful shared experiences, like camping, being in nature, and trips to Portugal, and some nice places. But sometimes I feel like that is the only thing we shared. We were camping buddies that also had sex. We used to have open conversations, and I could talk about my feelings. The "Cons" (which are weighing heavily on me): She tends to have dogmatic black-and-white thinking. She already has a child and doesn't want more children, which is a significant point for us. I don't think I am ready for a child, but not having the option at all is a problem for me. I feel like she forbids me things or makes me feel that way, whether it's about music, food, drugs, or using my laptop/YouTube. She gets anxious when I'm alone, fearing I might do something "bad." She doesn't want to take the pill or get an IUD, which means there's always the risk of an unplanned pregnancy. But thinks me getting a vasectomy is a good idea. She constantly brings up past mistakes I've made. She smokes weed all the time and it costs a lot of money. I see a lack of self-discipline in her, which makes me doubt if we can build a better future together. She views my masturbation as something that involves her, while for me, it's personal and has nothing to do with her. For her it is the same as cheating. Similarly, she sees me eating sweets when she was not around as lying and betraying her (as I didn't eat sweets around her before and sugar is the devil haha). She then constantly holds it against me, as if it were true. Again, for me, it has nothing to do with her. I sometimes feel like I need to be perfect for her. She wants to know everything, but then sometimes can't handle what I tell her. I feel like she knows everything about me and then uses that knowledge against me. I've also developed a sex addiction, and I only feel loved when I feel her closeness and intimacy. I'm torn and don't know if this relationship has a future. I'm wondering if these problems are just too big, or if there are ways we can work through them. I feel like these points that I listed also reveal something about me, which is why I post them here. Themes that I have identified myself are: Perfectionism: Wanting to be perfect so that the other person likes me Abandonment as child: Not being able to break up, even though the list is damning Shame: I often feel shame in this relationship, which is the thought "I am bad/unlovable/flawed/worthless, because xyz" Focus on a single person: As a child and teenager I only used to have a single friend with whom I would do everything. I have again become hyper focused on a single person and when that person leaves my world crumbles as my identity is interwoven so deeply with her. Gratitude I think for me the relationship has taught me a lot about being open about my emotions, sharing my feelings. Enmeshment and boundaries being crossed and not enforced by me. I have seen a new freer open way of living. I feel like this relationship was mainly for learning and not one that was meant to last forever.

My spiritual healer who has helped me quite a lot to clear out old baggage that I have been holding onto, especially inner child related things believes that during a trip any entity could possibly enter me as I am energetically completely open. I am not too sure what to make of this tbh and really would like to do some more 5-MeO-DMT trips. On the other hand I don't know if they will greatly help me either. I also follow Jan Essmann and have received Shaktipat from him to awaken my Kundalini. He as well has strongly advised against taking strong psychedelics as it makes the energy channels (Nadis) rigid. Basically everyone is telling me to not do it...

We are still together. I have started getting lots of suicidal thoughts with actual attempts. We are so closely connected that she can feel when I have masturbated or think of her. I am being slowly eroded. Today I masturbated to the thought of raping my own dead body, after having abstained of masturbation and sex for a month.

Have you guys looked into potential health risks associated with 5-MeO-DMT? I have read its not great for the heart and liver.

I have thought about it for a bit and I can't live without psychedelics for now. At least if I have a choice and don't face severe repercussions like jail or so I might take psychedelics for the rest of my life... Maybe not all the time, but when I feel the need. Thanks for the reply. I didn't realise that I was people pleasing, but I am 100%. I also don't like girls that use a lot of drugs and matter of fact she smokes a lot of weed, like 5-7 joints a day. The lack of self control is off putting as I have no problem saying no to weed.

I'm in a relationship with a woman training to be a Geistheiler (spiritual healer). Recently, I've jeopardized our relationship due to my drug use and dishonesty. I told my girlfriend about ordering 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT. She was upset and didn't want me to take them, but initially seemed okay with it. However, things escalated: 1. During a call with her, I took 5-MeO-DMT and told her about it while on the phone. I had a rough trip, and she tried to help by sending me love and attempting to summon angels. This experience was difficult for both of us. 2. Another time, I took 5-MeO-MALT at home without informing her beforehand. When she asked later if I had taken anything, I admitted to it. This upset her greatly, as she felt I had betrayed her trust again. She now wants me to tell her before I take anything, but I've broken her trust twice. She's given me an ultimatum: if I continue using drugs like this, our relationship is over. The sexual connection in our relationship is incredibly strong - it's otherworldly and addictive. Honestly, it's the main reason I'm interested in staying. I have a history of communication problems and drug use in relationships. I often freeze up during arguments, leading to emotional reactions and a desire to escape. I'm torn between my desire to continue exploring with substances and maintaining this relationship. Should I break up with her or try to make it work? Any insights or advice would be appreciated, especially regarding: 1. The ethics of staying in a relationship primarily for sex 2. Balancing drug use with relationship commitments 3. Rebuilding trust and improving communication 4. Identifying problematic patterns in my approach to relationships

Do you guys have any rituals you do before a trip? Like meditating or setting an intention?

This. In the end what can't you simplify down into a number?

I don't know what happened but I have become aware of numbers and colours a lot more than usual. Also the discounts I am getting online and the prices that I pay in the store just end up containing lots of repeating numbers that kinda freak me out. Unfortunately all these numbers have a meaning to me.... I am seeing a lot of 33, 55, 77, 69, 96, 969. Even just basic ones like 11, 22, 44. Unfortunately also some 8s from time to time... Also my house number and the house number of my parents ends up in there quite often, to the point where its just so in my face that I can't ignore it. I also have become hyper aware of colours and their meanings.... It is extremely overwhelming to me to go to stores with lots of peoples as I can't switch of my awareness - I am just flooded and then need to lie down at home. The programming has become so blatantly obvious in the stores and how they are trying to guide people to make certain purchase decisions. It is not just the classic the cheaper products are at the bottom, it is the whole eco friendly blablabla we need to save the planet shenanigans. Also when I sleep I wake up automatically at freaky times, like 5:35am, 4:20am, 3:35am and I honestly don't know what to do as I can't talk to anyone about it. They just think I am crazy, but I can feel the universe is trying to communicate with me and I can read the messages. Problem is also I have an extremely deep knowledge about security, programming, technology, engineering, a little electrical engineering, machinery, cryptography... To me it just seems like the matrix is glitching for me and I am trying to stay on the human side, while I still feel the pull to the other side.

@Leo Gura Wait a 2nd? Your birthday is on the 24.04? Have you experienced any shifts around your birthday this year? Because I have and I feel like I am starting to loose my mind

Thanks! I'll check it out, love the animation

I like this This is key And stress, traumatic experiences like death / separation from parents in early in childhood Because nobody has reached it yet ;-)

Thanks! That helped me a lot

Well let's just that, I guess....

Has anyone played around with local LLM models? I need a local model for use in medical products. I have played around with some 7B models and have had some good results, but my hardware is not strong enough to run 70B models which I would really like to do. Models from America are not trustworthy as they can disable access at any time.