Valach

Which is like basically most of the people on planet lol.

You can easily respect someone without fearing them. I can respect my 90 year old grandma for the woman she is. I don't have any fear towards her.

@Natasha Tori Maru I would prefer respect. I don't really value love that much as I know what it means to most of people (romantic one). That being said, respect is not something I crave that much. In my country it is not really common to say this to someone (don't think I ever heard it from a woman). What I crave is being seen and being heard. That's the shit. At least for me

Fear has nothing to do with respect. And it is not the opposite of love. At least romantic one.

I don't think scoring as secure on an attachment test really proves someone is securely attached. Self-report questionnaires have limitations, and it's surprisingly easy—for anyone—to answer in a way that reflects how they see themselves rather than how they actually react under stress. Most people also don't have perfect self-awareness. What stands out to me is less the test and more the pattern of behavior. One of the hallmarks of insecure attachment is that close relationships activate a disproportionate amount of anxiety. The OP isn't just thoughtfully weighing the pros and cons of buying a flat. He describes months of avoidance, intense anxiety, inability to plan a vacation because he expected the relationship to end, and rapidly oscillating between wanting to commit and wanting to leave. That doesn't prove he has an insecure attachment style, but it does suggest there's something deeper going on than simply asking, "Is she the right partner?" A securely attached person can absolutely decide to end an eight-year relationship. The difference is that the decision is more likely to come from a relatively grounded evaluation of compatibility and values rather than being driven by intense fear and inner conflict.

No point engaging this. There are places for these abstract discussion but not where a guy is struggling with simple problem like OP.

Sure, if you redefine "food" broadly enough, then everything is food because everything is energy. I was obviously speaking about the psychological analogy. A partner isn't a biological necessity in the same sense that food is, so using food as an analogy for relationships isn't very informative.

Nobody is saying attraction or compatibility don't matter. They obviously do. But in this specific case, the OP has been with a loving, reliable partner for eight years and describes intense anxiety whenever commitment becomes more concrete. That immediately raises the question of whether this is actually about her, or whether it's about his relationship to commitment itself. If someone has an avoidant attachment style, chronic anxiety, or is constantly searching for certainty, a different partner often won't solve the problem. The same doubts simply reappear in the next relationship after the honeymoon phase ends. The important question isn't "Can I find someone hotter?" It's "Am I leaving because this relationship genuinely isn't right for me, or because my nervous system interprets commitment itself as a threat?" Those are two completely different reasons to end a relationship, and confusing them can lead to repeating the same pattern over and over.

It will still want good things. The thing is that what a good thing for good life is might not be the most attractive woman. I've seen it many times. Woman are not food.

Sure but you also need to have deep self awareness on knowing why you are seeking the things you want for yourself in the first place. And that is a very hard thing to have. Eg Do you seek the hottest partner because that is your authentic desire or are you doing so get self worth through them? To compensate for the wounded child within? Even I can not answer that truthfully.

mistake

Passion is a very temporary thing. You can not base your relationships on passion. Any realationship will not feel as passionate after years as it was in the beginning. The seeking of best available partner is precisely the opposite of enlightenment. You are seeking something to compensate for lack within.

Obviously vast majority of woman I dated were insecure because those are the ones I was attracted to and also they were attracted to me. On top of that like 95% of population is insecure in my opinion, so it is hard to find the secure ones.

But how does a secure person decides to stay after some abusive, non-aligned behaviour starts happening in a relationship. I am not saying your friend is not secure, I can't know that. My understanding is that the secure person is a person with high self esteem, somatic feeling of safety in their body who respect other people but primarily respect their own body and emotions and integrity. So my understanding is that such person would leave dysfunctional relationship right after being shown signs of any abuse/disrespect whatsoever. I was and still am probably (not dating at the moment) heavy avoidant. It was always only fairly insecure woman who tolerated my behaviour. The secure ones, the moment I pulled one of my avoidant strategies such as being hot and cold, not knowing what I want, emotionally closed off - they dropped me immediately and rightly so. And I was in no way abusive, just a typical avoidant

By no means some relationships are truly horrible. If you experience some deep violation such as rape or sexual assault etc. then yes, even a secure person who had a good upbringing and all could get traumatized. You could argue that secures are more resilient so they are probably still less likely to carry some deep wounds from such relationships but it can definitely happens - do not have any data or personal experience on this (thankfully lol). Then there is another layer though. We are very much so drawn to people who reflect known dynamics and energies from our childhood. So a secure person would not really resonate with a traumatizer. You can see and feel these people on some level quite easily. Secure person might end up in a relationships with someone little insecure yes. But I highly doubt someone secure would ever date someone with deep attachment trauma. Often people claim that their horrific exes looked good until something happened - but I feel like that is simply not true. Part of you had to resonate with this person, always. There is of course an exception. Say you had a harmonic, relatively healthy relationship with your partner. And then he gets called up to a war or experiences some really bad accident and gets traumatized and thus starts hurting you in a relationship. That is very rare though. People do not really switch up in relationships like that.