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Everything posted by ValiantSalvatore

  1. Not much today to say besids I found out that the swaying back and forwards during meditation and loosing consciouness thing is a sign of high concentration. I meditated for 1h and the last 5 minutes I layed in bed and observed my mindfulness so 55 minutes of meditation technically, I am sort of bored of it now.. and a bit complacent I am not sure why. Yet, Id love to be in nature after seeing the video above. I love sound !
  2. I decided to go with another journal here. I somehow lost my habit which has been active for the last 3 years and stopped somewhere around mid to late 2018. With my habit of physically journaling. I bought a different format and tried again because I use a bullet journal to keep track of daily tasks and to do's. Also, in about one month I have completed the life purpose course. I did tactical reviews of the lp when I felt it was needed and looked at single episodes. As I reviewed the life purpose course, I was a bit surprised that I achieved half of my goals and missed half of my goals. Fully knowing why and that some of it were inevitable. Some circumstances can't be changed. Yet, I do not have the strength to make a couple of ten of thousands of dollars yet while studying, to support my family. Even if everything works out quite well. There have been some setbacks which just throw me off emotionally. For potential readers! A warning I sometimes become abusive with the way I use language, also in real life. This is one thing that I became conscious of is toxic and I googled some causes, some are just ridiculous. Yet, this is mostly in extreme cases. Still, here I won't hold back to some degree. Because sometimes humans are so blind, and if I can't even write stuff like this into my journal, then to hell with it! I'll become vocal if the situation/circumstance calls for it. This will be a longer entry as a first entry. I did an entry in my digital journal via OneNote in advance as I prepared the review of my LP today. I definitely want to learn from others and from some books on how to stay organized, I've been yelled at my whole life (not that it is a big story anymore), yet when taking the BIG 5 aspect test I score very very low, even if my environment does not necessarily reflect that. In the 2nd percentile. I've seen wors tbh. What do intend to do with this journal? Reminding myself that I am doing something that is fun. I like to read posts on this forum and been a lurker in the past. Some posts have valid insights, now Quora is also very very good and potentially better. Yet, the point is that I did the LP-Course and I definitely won't get any insights about LSD/DMT etc. substances etc. Also, to remind myself that I am connected to others in this process since this is one value on my list. The next section will partially go into my review of my lp Current positive Habits: Working out 5 times a week with the freeletics app inside or outside the gym Morning Meditation 1h (See, hear, feel, broad float, choiceless awareness) Weekly check-in with Shinzen Youngs Life Practice Programm Attending 14 days minimum of retreats (6 days of the list, still have 3-weekend retreats left to do) Scheduling each day in the morning via bullet journal Habits being implemented: Sleeping schedule maxing out going to bed from at 22:30 (1h over now) Deep Work currently listening to the audiobook Shaky Habits: Sleeping schedule maxing out going to bed from at 22:30 (1h over now) waking up at 06:00 Lost Habits: Journaling Shadow work Cold Showers Skills acquired: Some skills in android programming Some skills in C# Some skills in Java programming Speed Reading (Other weird stuff) Skills being acquired: Java and Android programming currently LPI0 Certificat to deal with Linux and the command line Shaky skills: Speed Reading Skills lost: C++ ..... (which still pisses me of) Kaizen(Small things that could add up over time) Things that I do: Waking up early Meditation 1h Micro hits and background practice Meditating while walking to class Meditating while listening to a boring lecture... Caring about health Reading 10 pages when going to bed or even only 5-2 pages. Shaky things I do: On off visualizations before going to bed for 10 min Doing the cbt exercise. Sometimes I know it is important. (I will do a 30-day challenge since this has been unsuccessful) Things that I want to do: Yoga especially Hata-Yoga Dedicating more time to Java development (Design Patterns I bought a book last year) Learning C++ (Bought a book for 10 euro) Finish the inner engineering course that I bought( I had my birthday ok, even though the course is... not good!) Things that I am currently not doing (only positive): Drinking and partying Playing video games Watching TV Hanging out with toxic people ( I kicked out two old friends for various reasons) That is about it. I still struggle with being orderly or even thinking of an orderly structure. I noticed as a "survival tactic" I piece together knowledge, facts, ideas, statements, conclusions, etc and ideally piece them together in one single coherent presentation or note. I keep practicing and throw away notes that have no use, till I can repeat everything blindfolded. Otherwise, I attend a class voluntarily, but I don't feel that I learn anything from it. I left it for now considering only going from time to time. It is nice and such, but not the real deal. I could learn to read papers... as if I never did that in my free time... (yes irony), otherwise I have a Prof. for my bachelors thesis and an internship, also with the same prof, so I can extend a project, which has been the voluntary project I did this year, also with the same prof. What else do I intend to do with this journal? Write once a day or once a week as a reflection about the content, I know I will ruminate and ideally ponder about these things. Yet, I want to get these on a sheet of paper or digital paper to reduce the negative rumination and reflect constructively and coherently Remind my self this is a process not a means to an end. Having fun, I can read other's journals and be inspired. When I was in China a traveler gave me his journal entries describing how he went through Japan with his bike! Alone! More details are omitted. Thinking about habits, discipline, and mastery. Since this is what I lack the most at the moment, but this is where I take the most action also! In general, to get some things off my chest. Reflection So, here I go then I'll go to bed since I am at this exact moment 1h and 15 min beyond what I schedule. I will dive into the process of how I will combine this with my bullet journal, potentially this will work to a greater extent than my physical journal. Which I'll use for the occasional shadow work. I did not read these two articles completely and I still ask myself some time, when I'll actually take notes or if I'll ever do it and such partially highly complex subjects. After my kriya experience in January of February this year. I gained a lot more insight in what I want to do what meditation and supernatural phenomena could be like. For instance, makio which I bet have some chemical or biological mechanism. (Like DMT in the dark). I recently had a couple of flashes of weird pictures and images as I closed my eyes. Not like on LSD I listened to someone who did a Vipassana retreat and had these visuals and called these enlightenment experiences. Which is just Makyo. IMO Now I saw a picture of an old lady or guy in grey and white right in front of me as I closed my eyes. The other two pictures I forgot. While I attended the retreat where I had the kriya experience. I noticed that the contours of thoughts, feeling or mental talk from outside or inside can shape right in front or inside the darkness that I can see when I close my eyes and look at my eyelids. I saw an OX during the retreat, yet just the face. TBH I literally thought nature would kill me. There were so many non-normal noises occurring right next to me. A couple of days later I heard myself screaming through a river. I really thought I lost it. TBH LSD felt safer... now I know that this was a Kriya experience and that it is somewhat normal. I did not go fully into the lunatic scale. So, the new phenomenon is that I feel at my brain stem where the vagus nerve runs through I feel that there is stirring obviously I speculate. The two links under Makyo below even explain that this is samskaras seeing past lives etc. I had so many odd fking insights because of personality theory that I've been reading on the net for XX years. Let's just see what happens. I love it that Shinzen is so interactive and that I could write, text him about such stuff. Truly a 21st century non-dual, saint, sage, shaman etc. Enough wannabe credit. I still am in love with zen and when I move out of this apartment or move to do my masters into a different city. I will definitely dive more into minimalism. Here is a video from the zen master where I did a three-day retreat this year and a 14-day retreat last year in France.
  3. I thought a bit about time since I only have 3 and a half weeks left at the internship meanng this was the sixt week and it feels not good, since I did not accomplish much. I dislike that my enviroment affects me so severly and that I seem to notice it as so often a bit to late, yet potentially I am still in the perfect time plan, since I am going to do my bachelors with these scales too. So, I certainly noticed that I waste time at work tbh just to not be deperssed I feel my brain is becoming somehow slughish when working for such long times even when I take breaks, or eat and drink healthy, my diet is not the best yet, but pretty good. Otherwise I listend to the audiobook when I brought back my laptop today, and I also enjoy that the professor gets his lab for his research and passion growing, yet the person that I am talking with is again way to family oriented I like it very modern there, and may enjoy the dinner party invitation. Yet, that is it otherwise I say Hi and we do small talks or smth. I dont neccesarily need a community especially not tribe, family community in the sense as how it is exaggerated at blue. A lot of my "mono racial" friends from family value oriented cultures have a shadow and or are just interested and enjoy this more by conditioning, so I dont blame them, yet I am way to radical for them in my speech alone, and I am not friends with them anymore anyway. Its horrible to plan with these people. I asked two friends who are more scientifically oriented and they both said yes immediately almost. With others Id have to plan and oh look if xyz is not occuring etc. So, we could go camping what I like !! Yet, I dont quite understand how sitting at home doing nothing as usual with da fam, is better then planning a trip with your freaking family and become active. I dont get it. Otherwise I notice now more how fast time flies by especially when working and how long it takes to produce results, At the same time I am noticing more and more how long and how short an hour can be. Now, today I lost 3 times again almost my consciouness and I am a bit confused about practice I will read today in the productivity book, and I will make a short recapitulation. Of what I can recall from the Learning .. Audiobook. First meditation I lost my consciouness almost 2-3 times I dont know if I drop to deep, yet all my sense of self seems to vanish and I cant hold it its like I am being hit with a baseball bat, and I cant tell because it was of fatiuge or because I dropped deep. Otherwise the session today, was normal not a lot of rest, I am still not able to lable gone. And I definitely want to refelect upon post-retreat behaviour, I did not meditate to much, yet all of these old blockages definitely got stirred up and I had again a slight perception of the streamlindness of what is. So, that was good, yet this startegic approach certainly is tricky, one mistake and the whole plan does not work. 1h is fine its a good amount of pratice 1,30 would be very good I assume and 2h is excellent as a layman I presume. Otherwise, I cant afford a 10 day retreat , i mean I can yet it does not work out, I want to take part in the rohatzu and I am going to make a plan for that !!! So, I achieve some more do-nothing experience, I am not sure if I will go to a retreat on the october weekend. I will see about that. Now, in the learning audiobook the guy talks about his process of becoming and learning a chess master as well as a principles in chess. One thing that stuck with me is to praise the process never the result. Praise the hard work, for example if I do it I say I feel happy for you that you are working so hard on your goals. Oh wow look the hard work seems to pay off. I like the effort that you bring up when doing your homework. I enjoy the company of you. I really like the way you dressed when we want to the party. etc. Instead of oh wow an A thats a good grade ! Good that you cleaned your room. You look good today. Very good that you won the chess tournement that is all that counts. Mh.. I cant come up with more I can come up easily with more process oriented praise, since this is what I received besides in freaking school... So, anything else ? At one point the author mentioned he played chess in the slovakai, I am going to say it like that and he meet his girlfriend there and was inspired by all the self-exploration, yet his chess game suffered from his youthfull arrogance which made up his chess personality that gave him the most wins and around this section I stopped. Which made me thinking about myself when I was a very good student I used to be fascinated and loved to explore a variety of books about generalizd facts and knowledge I just read encyclopedias for kids and looked through my school books because I like biology and geology a lot. So, I will reflect a bit upon that especially the structure since I did not always do my homework and was still one of the best in class with 3-2 people better than me. I had basically everything I have now somehow, without meditation, books, food, since I think my grandma actually still cooked or my mom, till she decided oh fk my kid Ima watch TV. ???????????!!!!!????????????? So, I just accepted that and made myself mostly pizza, I ate at least pizza every second day and this was the time where my grades declined I received my own pc, I stopped doing sports, and played video games all day long. OMFG fking american fast food, mountain, gatorade, welches, poptarts all day long playing freaking halo 2 and 3. Good times, yet not very prolific I could have done it more strategically since I played a lot of video games before, on game cube for instance harry potter and stuff like this and super mario sunshine, yet that was somehow creepy I dont know why. I liked playing lord of the rings a lot and what else ???..... I dont know I think this is where pc games started to become more interesting which I played when I was very very little, like 3-4 years old playing Moorhuhn and Sims and Age of Empires and even diablo.
  4. Gratitude Journal: I am thankful that people want to help me and are polite and let me explore in general I am thankful for the feelings I have after meditation I am thankful that I am meditating I am thankful for feeling gratitude I am thankful for having the strength of overcoming obstacels.
  5. I am still very frustrated even though I somehow enjoy life more than ever, it I figure there are unconscious believes at play, which disrupt my higher self in a sense, still I struggle again with my structure its not that I dislike routine or dicipline anymore, I am not used to doing it over a long period of time of over a month etc. For instant eating according to my "own" nutritional plan. Going to the gym 5 times a week. Waking up on time each day even on the weekends. I was never like this, so its not as easy to change this and I am very weird with sleep I feel more awake with 6h of sleep then 7-8, yet I am way to tired in the morning and with 9-10h of sleep I feel the best in general. Yet, sleeping for so long is wasiting life time seriously, this is horrible. This is so odd feeling like I work the whole day only focusing on "things" I like that yes I do like, yet I never noticed how much of hedonic pleasure I indulge in with videos, and playing videos games. I really would like to go to a retreat for a month where I dont see any of this shit. I dislike doing all of these orderly oriented tasks, filling out formulars to send stuff back I ordered, even taking care of the vacation I won, etc. It would be more pleasant in my head if I had a car somehow, or if the infrastructure would be great. Yet, here is nothing. I am not very happy at the moment about how things are going, since I feel this latent lazyness of wanting to do nothing and sleeping. I dont think its depression or any of this, its more similar to not feeling in alignment of what I want, since I am not reading and or programming and just working, exercising, eating and playing some video games since I want a reward for all of this work, yet this has only been bad after the retreat befor that I did not do much video game playing. I dont know this monk still pisses me off till today.
  6. So, this will be more of an accountability post I cleaned my room a bit and found now two friends who want to go with me to Prague two declined and or did not give me an answer, so I feel suprisingly a bit indifferent that I asked two people to come with me, yet deciding between the two is a bit odd. Eckhart Tolle has a new course on manifestation for free, potentially I eat the whole thing on the weekend. Now, I went to the gym I have my protein powder, I watched a documentary about testosteron even completely while cooking and cleaning up, so I leanred that testosteron can be measured by legit scientist by the length of the ring finger and this buzzfedd crap for instance is not bollux.. The great cursing variety. As well as some prenatal testosteron fluid is responsible for language differences in man and women, because women have less of it and therefore are better in the social and verbal domain. Looking at my ring finger I have less testosteron then other males even when I am quite tall etc. They also cleared some common sterotypical misconceptions such as, assertivness causes dominance, no cortisol in combination ( or without.. ) causes it, testosteron does not make people more anti-social, but can foster pro-social behaviour I even had an interaction in the gym today which showed this. For instance when a women is close to a group of men they well all act kind,benevolent and forthcoming, since "testosteron" which is even produced in the brain partially and some SH stuff is send balls to the wall. So, they act more prosocial in order to impress the girl or have a higher chance of reproduction of course all of this is complex, and the documentary was very very good. A lot of scientific material and they showed a few behaviour tests such as the famous one where they give people money and test there cooperativeness and when one shares instead of keeping the money they will both get half of it. Now, what else ? Testosteron is important for muscle growth yet I knew that, there is a cure for infertility in men and there is even a pill for men in a sense that obstructs the production of testosteron. Also, that boys because of the prenatal fluid thing have better analytical abilities as well as spatial ? I am not sure about spatial and I heard the opposite from the course from Babara Oakely, yet the documentary is new and was posted today, so I am not sure what has changed, was debunked etc. Hm... otherwise for old men there are cures for testosteron or rather treatment. Ill link the documentary I find it interesting how hormones drive humans, also that yes I remember people with higher testosteron won more often in a game, also the dominance personality trait is also conceived by oneself as how one perceives himself. So, identity plays a role and personality is how you see yourself, I like the way the researcher pointed that out.
  7. @Matt8800 Thx a lot ! Yes, I can sometimes forget that things are relative Oh yes, I definitely feel this when I feel a strong feelings of impermanence ! So, no-self is a path that I am walking towards. Also, the book is great in case its about deities and in general to build a relationship with one the master I am training with (or his system) was ordained in a deity focused practice, so I can ask him also ! To see how different the Japanese Vajrayana tradition would be in comparrsion to a spirit from the occult. Thanks again a lot for the clarifications!
  8. @Matt8800 Someone told me he saw tiny angels jumping on his body. I also know about the spirit releam from shamanism since the person I train with generally talks about mystecism and also does shamanic rituals, like a sweatlodge ceremony and other stuff, I never dived into it because there is no option for me so far that I know of here besides reading a book and trying. So, I know this is possible, yet I never heard about the occult.
  9. @Matt8800 I am not sure what you mean I enjoy the unkown quite a bit, yet this is very new to me Id like to explore it in the future where I feel I could use it in general when I feel I am ready for it, there are still some very basic fears that are not of the unknown just fear of darkness like a kid it just scares me sometimes for a reason because of the weird shapes I see etc. Id have to mention this also most likely... yes I do fear evil. The intention alone is very frightening, of course facing it is brave and facing it with love is ultimately what I feel is appropriate. Also there is quite a bit of projection that I feel is projected upon me, I dont value things based fear or rate things based on fear I found it unbelivable that one person could do and did "such" evil rituals and that is why I compared him to Hitler in the first place, I said this more jokingly yet apparently that did not came across with the lol at the end. Yes, I do understand that one can forge either good or evil, depending on how the practice is used. As far as Ive read through the responses I can see what the occult is in reality about and that what I know about the occult has been distored and polluted, by the christian church. I know also know that Taoism can be contrasted with the Occult and Christians would and do demonize Taosim, and that there are similarities between Taoism and the Occult. Yes, as I said before I did not know anything about the occult and I was curious about the positive view because I saw the negative side of it. Now I see again what it is about. In case it came across as if Id generalized I do apoligize for that I did not mean to do that or to come across like that. I am very interested in biases in general, so I was not trying to confirm something that I believe rather the complete opposite. That is why I asked in the first place. Please dont misread my intentions. Well who can can lol. Id love to be that way yet that takes work and reading the right books etc. having concrete information and experiences that serve as a guide. If Id feel so loving as I felt for instance on LSD in a conscious setting while meditating as well as after some meditation sessions, I would have tried the stuff all on my own before asking most likely if I heard of it. I figure nothing will be dark since everything would be love, beauty, bliss and purity. Without all of the societal connotations of these words, more experiantially based. Not sure, I did shadow work for 2 years and been thrown into situations where the unknown overwhelmed me and I had to deal with that chaos, yet this is a whole new dimension. Crowly was for me just an interesting figure since I never heard any of this and he influenced even contempoary history with all of his deeds. I am not at a point, yet where Id not feel outraged about such acts. I know I am asking a lot of questions, yet could you recommend a specific book where I could read to practice this, so I can see for myself in the future ? I am not denying any of this and am rather intruiged by it as I saw other reports about positive spirits etc. Could they also appear normally in meditation through a normal practice ? Or is this rather unlikely ? Id like to dive into it because I was interested in shamanism and when I am done studying and all of that Id like to explore this topic a bit in reality.
  10. I will make a short entry. I did not do much after the retreat for three days and I did not meditate for two days because I did not see any point in doing that. That is now the second time this has happend, I missed 3 sessions in the first two years and the third and now fourth year I missed now approx 32 days in total. One time I was so tired of it I just stopped and tested how my perceived consciounes would feel, or the mind. Now, I am back at the dorm and back at work going back home is the most dangerous thing I can do since I am very succeptible to my enviroment apparently and even when I feel conscious the subconscious forces force me to be a creature of habit. Now, I will go to the gym today, I did go for a run on monday so Ill get my workouts in, I am not going to study today and just clean my whole room and prepare some stuff and plan the week in advance, on the weekend I will go to the gym, read and study most of the time and meditate. I did meditate today, yet I am not tracking this as a habit since I am very consistent there, its rare to miss a day and rather annyoing that I am honest about it and mentioned it, since I would not like to miss one day let alone two, yet sometimes its fine to test it when I practice very actively I am not sure, if Ill go up to 1h30 min Ill stay with my hour for now and rather improve posture slowly, so I train my body now become lean and then stretch. Otherwise nothing new, besides the thing that I won the in the raffle, I won a vacation to Prague for two to three days. I asked a couple of friends I am not sure if I want to go Id rather would like to have won a car or money lol. Yet, this is also very nice. I learned now a bit more about rest because of the last life practice programm and realized that some parts of anica has a restful quality to it, like a second skin or armor.
  11. Yes I saw the aghori sadhus they are kinda cool and its not as extreme as the stuff I described. Its what I heard for now so, I wanted to see a different perspective and see how close it aligns with "normal" spirituality. Yes, this is the crazy part where I feel from watching videos about spirtuality some stuff connects through what "legit" cults use, and practice horrific things. As far as I can recall he tried to create an anti-christ through breeding that involved performing rape and other abnormal stuff, which I described before, to create this anti-christ. There are some theories that suggest he created the monster of Lochness... I am not moving the occult into a brighter light am I lol ? Okay, I see I did not want to make any assumptions in case it came across somehow in that particular way. I saw what kind of practices they did and I saw this thread and read through it, and was curious to what the occult normally was, I just thought for instance it stems from alchemy and people gathering herbs. So, I equated it logically with shamans. Also, yes this is what is quite outragous that those crazy people sit in power. The whole Jeffery Epstein thing is way way way to unbelievable and the public goes on as usual, so this is also why I was so curious to what the occult is actually about and not some satanic bullcrap. Yes, it would rather be interesting if it would help to confront evil or help to elevate consciousnes, I did not have any notions around the occult, since I dont even know what the word means, I described it above what I thought about it before, I never knew something like this existed. Some order the Ordo Templi Orientis infiltrated the freemasons I am not sure if it was this order.. and they practiced this satanic stuff. I am just very curious because all of this cult type shit stems from Germany and I am also German, which is just ridiculous. Same here I never read any of this before I saw and heard about all of this stuff, its insane I did not even say most of it. I figure this means read for yourself or smth else. He makes Hitler almost look like an angel by comparrison... This is absolutely insane Id never thought someone would do that. Yes I heard some stuff what they do and its rather odd. This is why I dont quite understand these cults they are tricking vulnerable people and then do these weird things. Its horrific. I am often very scared of seeing spirits or something like that just because I see it as a possibility for instance when I sit and meditate when its dark and I see shadows moving etc. Id like to encounter a friendly spirit, yet the stuff that I saw definitely does not help lol. I follow the Channe 434 which talks about spirits and machine elves, so I saw also the positive side and this would seem very appealing, yet Id rather practice for now normal meditation etc. This is way to advanced for me and I am very scared to visit something dark, just because for instance Id mess up during practice. And sorry ! In case I messed up a few things that are wrong I looked some things up superficially in advanced and combined it from what I knew before, and I just know this from the weekend. Ill definitely follow this thread and look upon some books potentially in the future, yet Id rather first read what some crazy people did before, I dont know why this seems so interesting, yet its insane that people practice the very dark side of the occult. Thank you for your reply ! Some stuff you said with reptiians etc in this thread connects back to this breeding stuff I heard from Crowly, that is what I meant with fked up stuff, and some stuff connects back to normal spirituality and chakras etc also the reptilian thing. So, I dont know what is even possible in the occult and how much has been abused and polluted.
  12. @Matt8800 Ive read through most of the posts here till now and I am quite curious what the occult is since I never heard of it in any significance besides the last couple of days. Id wanted to ask rather something personal first and then be a bit critical from what I heard and saw. 1. Is a Shaman and a Wicca the same ? How do they differ in their focus on pratice as well as are their similarities ? 2. Why does for instance the christian church or the vatican ban, or forbid the use of white or black magic ? Am I making assumptions here and they use it, for instance I would not understand that if you can talk to spirits which serve god for instance why you would not want to talk to them, or for instance is in ... Magnus Opus ... described from Crowley. How for instance the vatican or smth. similar some christian thing ... would use it ? 3. I had an experience after I had a kriya release where I became "clairaudient" , I am very sensitive to music and even genetically... even if I did not practice a lot in real life. Yet, I had lessons etc. Anyway, I heard my name so often and my surname which is quite common, yet my first name not, so I heard which is literally impossible, my first name in a couple of videos when I distanced myself from the audio and when I moved closer to the audio, at one point after the kriya experience and as I sat down to meditate to some binaureal beats I heard my name being screamed through the sound of the river to such an extend where I did not know is it my thought or the river screaming my name and in general picking up weird cadences and tones. 4. Why do people practice satanic rituals ? What is the occult about or what did their founding fathers do ? Are they from Atlantis... ??? How was the occult abused ? What are the original practice that are not satanic from what I saw till now, and literally saw. (On Video) 5. Could you name a example of a occult practice or link a video that shows for instance some of it, I am not sure from what I saw till now and Ill get to Crowly, to what extend an "occult" practice is just some technique that I could practice to talk to spirits or so, is lucid dreaming for instance smth. that is also practiced in the occult ? 6. What are demons ? How real are evil spirits ? Why do people want to summon them ? Is there a grand scheme of things ? More Critical questions. I try to also write down what I know so far about the Occult just from this weekend... 1. Why are there cults that practice the occult and woreship satan for instance what are they trying to achieve are there literaly people who are trying to create an anti-christ ? 2. Why did Crowly say he is the anti-christ ? 3. What is the Magnus Opum generally about `? I just saw snippets and I am not joking this shit scares the living hell out of me. 4. What do you say about cults or people that have rituals that involve the sexual abuse of children, drinking their blood, having anal sex with fecies or meditating under a phallus ? 5. What is the Moonchild thing actually about ? 6. Why is scientology involved in this did he open a portal to another dimension or what are they talking about ?... 7. Would you even think it is possible to summon demons and the anti-christ when moving into low vibrations and using meditation and spiritual techniques for pure evil ? 8. Why is all of this an open secret and nobody talks about that, and why are some highly ranked politicans also involved is this like well known or an open secret on the dark dark sides of the occult ? 9. How do the freemasons for instance historically been involved in this, I am half american so I dont know much about americas political history........ and I heard that theyve been infiltrated by a satanic cult. 10. What would you say about conspiracy theories, such as after Elron Hubert opened the gate...... to another dimension and suddenly a lot of Ufos where sighted ? Or conspiracy theories in general. I was never interested in this stuff, yet after this presentation ... I am quite done with all of that and I am not mentioning most of it. Thanks in advance in case you answer the questions or all of them ! I would feel very delighted about a reply, this stuff is hella confusing to me.
  13. He does not own a car. He also went to University and by spiral dynamics or rather Ken Wilbers teaching alone he should be cognitvely Yellow, which you can see reflected in his words and thinking on the meta level etc. Id put Logic up there also, although I am not sure if he is just a slave to the entertainment system to a very very small degree.. , yet he connects some dots very well that I just started to realize. So, I dont know yet anyway. Most of them are very close to taking drugs and substances and sometimes you can listen to them, and know oh I had that insight also on LSD or I had that thought on weed etc. I would not neccesarily discard the "insights" that they write on paper and deliver.. to others. Of course most of them dont have a spiritual practice I know that Rick Rubin has a spiritual practice as well as Kendrick Lamar mediates 30 minutes from time to time or before recording and stuff. Green is the first stage which is able to think in systems. Which is implied in Integral Psychology ... but not Systems in System or System in Systems in Systems etc. Which is Yellow and Turqouise. I never heard anything like that someone talking about the interconnectedness of it all besides The Underachivers in some Green+- relative manner, since they done a lot of psychdelics and in general the whole east coast, beast coast scene thing, has a very rough psychdelic undertone in their music making etc.
  14. More of the same symbolism.
  15. Okay, this is a whole new dimension I am not talking about meditation or anything I did not even meditate at all yesterday because whats the point ? I want to digest this first and I dont know what I want to do anymore. This is just nuts, from the few pieces I dug deep into the internet and from live experiences trusting also stupid "higher conscioucs" synchronicities. Its absolutely insane, how repetitive is this simulation ? And I never even broken out of it. It is like Ive been selected to be released from a chamber of homunculous creation and I am allowed to live. Like what twisted fks do exist and people are unaware of that ? That leaves most porn fetishes far behind everything..... Even Leonardo Di Caprio ! What am I talking about ? I dont even like movies. The few ones that I watched connect back to all of this. One of the spiritual teachers I like the most withdrew from the ultimate cult of cults. How many symbols can you find in one symbol ? The teacher who withdrew I do understand now why at zen they said burn the books. This is pure evil, devilry, hitlery clit ton, and what not I swear to fking god. People should not have a license to exist sometimes, this is absolutely, insane. I am not sure if I want to read upon all of this, it definitely destroys my views of wanting life a good life. Politics is as unconscious as it well ever be and the majority is as conscious as it ever was. The allegory of the cave, is just beautiful, or maybe Immanuel Kant wurde einfach nur verkannt ? Or Germans are the cultest pieces of crap on the planet and should feel justified to hang them selfs, while be thrown with pig intestines from hitlers lost tesetical ! If this is to much ? People do that. They have done this for ever, I am being a demagogue, yet for what ? I forgot that I loved to read utopian books, since it showed the limits of idealism. I am not sure what to do with all of this information. Besides working on my posture and sit. I just do nothing for the rest of my life, and witness all of it. Choiceless awarness may be ? The best form of concentration while Leonardo Di Caprio happens.
  16. The weekend retreat is over leaving me either with 8 days taken this year of retreats or 10 days. I am leaving out the half day stuff. For instance arrive at Thursday or start at Friday night. So, leaving me either with a 8h pratice day a 6 h pratice day or a 10h pratice day. Yet, generally never less then 6h a day. The "monk" yesterday made me so angry I cant tell why, the facilitator in the last 4h talked about Vedena. Tomato. I certainly did not like him, the practice was fine because it focused on concentration and I was able to be concentrated even though I felt quite agitated, during the sit. I was 10-20min concentrated then again 1-5 minutes of distractions, he also talked so much and I did not understand much, since he did not conflate enough. It was technical, yet somehow without any compassion ? Just him being him. Playing his role literally. Then I got mad since he said his girlfriend goes to church and I thought oh n1 another weird fker. How about a birthday cake ? I really dont know besides the mind fk I had from not even finishing this.. was the reason. So, what did I learn ? Vedana was a variation of feel flow in the "interozeption" of the body. So, I understand what is he talking about. The holy butt. I was so angry and agitated I was not interested to listen and my thoughts generally revolved around me disliking him. He had the most extensive background, and lived in a monastary for four years, he trained since 30 years etc. I still did not like anything about him. I kept thinking what does that say about me or my character ? When hatred is love, or can be love, the vedana of feeling hatred is one passing of the source of love ? Well, so I can experience the love out of hate when it stems out of source ? So, I can experience violence as love ? I can experience survival and strength as love ? Okay, sure yet what did I learn about practice ? I learned that I can concentrated in chunks of 10 - 20 minutes on one thing and that I am generally aware of drifting away, so I step into this 2 minute - 5 minute concentration mode, then I am subtely distracted, and then I come back. Within about 40 seconds ? Its rare that I drift away for 5 minutes or so, so I was surpised that I can hold a more access concentration oriented practice for 10minutes + instead of being aware of openess etc, space, room and impermanence or repetiveness or thought. I felt Buddhism sounds so limiting, Id rather convert to loving Christ at the moment, since it felt so dry. Some shadow elements. That my practice is a bit sloppy, I want to sit in a lotus, my motivations are still not there, the intention may be fine, yet ... I do think I am moving in the right direction. I dislike this naivity, about not knowing what is good or bad etc.
  17. I feel very frustrated again with the degree of complacency I approach my spiritual practice and the degree with which I pursue anything, I tend to give in to fun, pleasure and comfort still a lot even if all of this has changed. I get very aggresive with feeling uncomfortable, with meditation etc. its fine, yet when the feeling of impermanence becomes to intense then I feel this moving forward drive again, that generally was not being developed when I was young. It is latent, and very dynamic. I feel this point of self-inquiry and I sort of miss the more technical people in the home practice programm who take time and effort, to look things up and to not pick everything up on the go, and learn by trial and error and not by preperation. I am not doing the latter either, yet I am planning in advance, so circle. Anyway, this field of what I currently perceive while meditating is expanding very gradually, I want to be kind to myself and allow myself to even feel pitty, ..... So, ah.... even dumb German words stem from Sanskrit. like love and breath. I definitely like female facilitators, yet I cant give love when I dont feel a lot of masculinity I can be very dynamic, so feeling one polar opposite I do feel able to switch between it, since one does not exclude the other. I meditated now for 4h. pratically 3h and 25 min in stillness and 35 min moveing. I felt very sad at the end since the facilitator was very passionate about talking about pratice, literally. So, I noticed also that some personalities and strenghts are just taken for granted and its difficult to manage that, somehow I felt at the end that I have difficulties feeling thank ful, when I indulge in something pleasureable, I cant tell why. It feels again this coagulation inside my solar plexus is so coagulated, that the windows are being shuttered..... I dont know I still feel this arrogance, I still feel complacency, I still feel pity for myself, I still feel non-acceptance. I am not taking this seriously enough, I rely to much on being pampered in a sense. I did not learn anything new about any technique, 4h is not really a long span of time, I noticed that I want to train my body and I am taking my workouts seriously, so that I appreicate what I have and start to be thankful for that and stretch my body, so I can sit in a lotus comfortably. Some ideas I had for this retreat are just stupid, I am not sure if I am trapped again in limiting beliefs, and I definitely missed ? I did not inspire myself beforehand, I took most things for granted, I take my life for granted I take death for granted I take freedom for granted, I take unconsciouness for granted, I take pleasure for granted, and I still feel generally better, than ever. My ego is definitely afraid to die, or to suddenly be thrown into Makyo or some crazy shit where I loose all marbels, sure loose your mind and come to your senses, is sometimes I feel perfect for me. Yet, I certainly cant force images that are vivid without fear, the abstraction of smth fine, but experiencing it. Is scary, I definitely dont feel I can take care of myself like I want to when I am back home, its not inspiring and I built a lot of resentment, that is already present. I feel this coagulation of my nervous system. The only small insight I had was that violence even if it is through sheer sound or we, is love. I was sort of comforted again by madness... 2 day retreat is definitely strategic, and affordable, it is also insightful and can be motivating, yet I still lack the basics, like sitting in a posture for hours, I get so comfortable on a chair, that I start to move, and sitting in a lotus took my first some time to sit in a burmees position since this fking pain around my scare drives me to kill people, till I loose consciouness or what ever. It did not feel normal and this idea that something is wrong even when everything is fine, is bothersome. So, I had to learn or deal with this, and it certainly taught me acceptance and compassion. Now, I am just like a robot, and I execute, this execution is still not prolific. I cant tell why I dont feel as though I want to take it seriously, but I revert back to just being ordinary me ? The me.... so, what about it ? I can tell that it arises at two distinct points very strongly around my cerbellum and in my solar plexus, otherwise my body feels like an apparation of myself .......... So, again ego. This is annoying trying to gain insights or understanding through talking .. to myself, is okay. Yet, I still dont know what I want, I can contemplate this till I die I figure... Skillful means definitely is something that I yearn for regardless if it is taking a fking shit. These three and another 4h part is coming up in 20 minutes, home practice programms are surely, benefitial, yet being strategic is potentially smart, yet its not as intense as it could bee if I would take it more seriously, so many factors flow into the creation of a tranquil and prosaic practice. A parable of what ? ????????????? I dont know, I certianly got mind fked the last couple of hours I dont know how to integrate that and I often feel why learn anything anymore, I dont feel anybody opens pandoras box, so I can at least have some theory that is not based on reason and praticality, I am So Tired of This, Since The Beginning Of Time. There is not a lot of drive in me at the moment, I certainly noticed that after working out so much how much of an animal in a sense I am, that I need this sort of gratification of having done somthing good or being a role model or some sense of something that is benefical, some role. So, I miss the newness of experience, I miss depth, I miss breadth. I am neither stuck, nor free. I am just sitting infront of .... a screen looking at it seeing some illusion of what I call. Am I fooling myself or am I still unaware of how much energy, work and egolesness is wanted to transcend from small mind to big mind. Even just a glimpse, I definitely did not pratice intensively for the last two years, a zen retreat is in Europe very soft, I dont know. I really would like to be able to sit for a whole day, just to see what it is like in 4h intervalls or so, still my choice of pratice helps me with the chaos of live, but I am missing the durability and endurance, like in sports.... High intensity fine, yet endurance and a drive to win, certainly is not there. I thrive a lot in thriving, I thrive more in egolesness or transcendence. Yet, survival and corruption definitely wants me to transcend and thrive, it makes me so freaking angry. Yet, where is the egolesness or the godness in there ? My approaches rather seem pathetic then couragous some excuse to not take this 100% seriously and pratice like a pro. Its not really any different, I seem to just not care. As so often.... and then I care the most again.... as so often. Paradox 101 I guess...
  18. So, another part of the retreat is done 4h of meditation I did 15 minutes of closed eyes walking meditation because the teacher recommended that. This time I am training with facilitaitors instead of Shinzen Young. I liked them all till now, it definitely does not feel that intenstive the second teacher I liked the most so far, because she explained the concepts very well and fast so, I don`t become bored to easily. This sounds a bit conceited potentially, so I want to just report what I thought and felt during the last 8h or so. I felt as if I was torn again inside my solar plexus, yet not as intensely I cried almost once because of some synchronistic idea I had in mind and wanting to have the synchronistic web feeling I had during my kriya experience since this happend at the first day of the retreat and I sat the whole retreat with the after effects of that and I had another one. So, I was checking sometimes if it would happen again, or at a different spot this time, for instance the cerebellum where I feel this mostly or somewhere around the reptilian brain. Its nice to use this laptop so far, the screen is quite large and I can see almost so much that I cant see much. The whole screen is somehow spatially distorted, to the degree where, I can`t tell if the original build looked like this. So, the see in intenstive was okay, I learned using see in with closed eyes while moving and I discovered that I can see what is behind my inner mental screen with eyes open and that the mental screen is a representation of the physical world, yet very seldom for me, so it was not that helpful. I mostly get lost in some form of abstraction of whatever, for instance a conversation, the idea of a symbol, fantasy, some invention, space, a feeling etc. Then I distangle it and find myself concentrating on the impermanence or constant change of inner feelings, imagination and sound. The first part of the retreat was about ULTRA, the unified libary of training attention and an intro to that. So, I know most of it. I am familiar now with the system, and learned about its quadrants. I do feel a bit of emptiness around my solar plexus the feeling I usualy have when I feel futile and meaningless and everything sort of convolutes and unfurls into this all encompasing impermanence driven by unconsciouness, its a total loss of control at some point. Another thing I felt is the place of self arising at the back of my skull where the reptilian brain or the solar plexus resides. So, Shinzen sometimes points to this point as a vector, and often uses this as a analogy or metaphor when describing a self-inquiry practice. Otherwise, I dont feel I can report a lot I feel a lot of open presence my concentration is again my weakest point and is also one of the most important ones my sensory clarity is very high, so I could focus on developing concentration more, yet sitting again for 1h even with a pure concentration pratice is not easy. I tend to flow a lot, so I draw back upon using flow often. Anything else ? I could ask a couple of questions regarding pratice I am at this weird intermediary stage where I feel, oh I could help others by reporting or scare away newbies, because of my intensity. So, I thought reflecting is a good way, as well as, seeing what others have to say and learning from their experience and the whole green shabang, so I in return do the same. I want to ask specific questions tomorrow, Ill be at the dorm most likely again so I will feel akward again asking questions about meditation while walls talk.
  19. Alright, I am on the new laptop and I will have to get used to the keyboard. Otherwise, I am right into the retreat and wanted to write a report, so far. I meditated approx for 5h 15 from a potential time usage of 6h. Also, I feel when back at my hometown since it is a larger city that the city itself is more conscious, yet only the conscious people, I mean chilling all day at the university shows me, how conscious young people generally are and I see them even as unconscious then going shopping here and going for some random kiosk drink, is apparently to radicall for the people. The look at me like I`ve been taking drugs, it is sort of weird while they look unhealthy, fat and not fit at all. I feel like they are taking drugs and there are so many foreigners here in this city it*s nuts. So, I can squirl away myself at my home doing the retreat for the time given and enjoy the silence of the city, that has more beauty than the inhabitants here. Now there will be a 4h see in - intensive. So, a concentration pratice focusing on no self and insight. To express it secularly. Also, survival seems to be a big thing for the average populace somehow, I am curious why they cling to this notion of we are the people, when everything is seperate here and they care more about their stupid families. Like you`d share.
  20. @Shiva 100% agree.
  21. I will workout today with a friend and will receive his laptop. I received all of the information for the retreat and sat the two hours yesterday.
  22. @CreamCat Hopefully, this works now. It's not really fun to reply to you. Again, it is not really fun to reply to you, you don't know anything about me. At worst it's quite heartless. At best I already know what you are talking about. Replying or talking to you does not make any sense whatsoever.
  23. @CreamCat I sort of know what you mean. My cognitive power definitely shrinks when I am getting very emotional or I slept less, I mean this is normal the term IQ is filled with so many prejudices. I want to mention that, since it seems so normal to talk about for people on the internet, yet is a hot topic outside in the real world. Shinzen Young for instance says the same that when emotions hijack your brain or his brain in this case, his IQ becomes room temperature, that is what he literally said. So, potentially taking care of ones health in terms of your body and your brain is a smarter approach then taking IQ tests, I mean you could join mensa and meet a couple of super highly intelligent friends and club members. Or you could do it through sheer prudence and meet creative and highly intelligent people, by taking care of PD. I also notice with food and general with meditation etc. I have more "clarity" and I don't rely on my "amygdala" so much. It feels great to be peaceful and have a feeling of open presence I feel I became sharper. Yet, I can't really speak of an IQ increase, that would feel phony since there are plenty of people for instance, in my major that are as smart as I am or smarter, working together I do feel for instance the quality of meditation and PD. A great and simple book "How to win friends and influence people" these things are working towards my favour and improving rather my EQ and being a leader. I almost ended up in each group setting as a leader, as a strong introvert. Just because the situation calls for it etc. There are limits I am happy that people are smarter than me because then they can explain complex stuff that I would take hours to understand, so I can work smart and ask for help, instead of being an stubborn and bigoted about my IQ for instance. etc.
  24. OkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I went to the gym did my 100 burpees 100 situps and 100 switchy thingy ind 24 minutes. My protein shake is sitting at my neighbours door. I will receive a new laptop tomorrow. I will workout tomorrow. I am starting Hitlers List. I will workout tomorrow again. I eat to much sugar apparently 50 - 65 gram is fine, more 50-25 with 2000 kcal diet from what I've read. I am at 15% body fat ? Did I write this even in here ? I notice again how much immaturety is projected upon me since I prefer embracing my inner child. I notice all of this role playing again somehow, this stuck with me for the last couple of days. I don't know currently what is toxic anymore, since what I would feel is toxic is actually now just some assertivness ??????? To which degree ? I will receive the stuff for the retreat and I messed up the registration, so I was not put automatically onto the list. Vitamin B is vitamin B12, 6, 3, 2, 1 ,0, 100. My weigh actually has BCAA and is vegan. The internship and working with these scales takes away a lot of time. I will go back home over the weekend to my hometown to get the laptop etc. I will do my bachelors with these scales most likely. There is so much sugar in foods, nuts are fatty, I knew I always hated food. I did not read upon healthy narccism because I forgot. I don't have a good book to read on my way back home besides the one book there. I'll read that. I don't know book or audiobook. I am just wasting time now to wait for the bus nd train, yet I could clean my appartement. So, I'll do that !