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Everything posted by ValiantSalvatore

  1. I don't really notice anything unusal from my different state of consciouness to be honest I feel mildly euphoric and a bit upbeat and that can be of anything I drank and eat parts of the mushroom tea. I dunno read it. Kinda dissappointing it's a mild trip so with enough meditation I can get some depth but this is not really anything worth mentioning. I am also very tired. Most likely sleeping soon 1h ish. Maybe I dream well dunno.
  2. This journal will be more clean then the last one. This constant perpetuation of identity is for me currently the cause of most suffering. Creating constant dukkah for myself and others is one thing that I am still learning about. What will this journal be about ? Mostly about integration and learning sharing what I have learned, also during more darker times. This is part of me being authentic as well as congurent with my values. I noticed that one of my top 10 values which is honesty is somewhat corrupted. I tend to avoid giving direct answers to direct questions, because I feel that an identity is projected upon me. That is one key pattern that I'd like to change and I will change. I will give direct answers the key thing here is I tend to do this to authorities, I do not give them direct answers, because I fear that I am being seen as less complex. This is what p*ssed me off talking to Shinzen, yet at the sametime I felt in retrospect that he respects me more because at least I don't take everything he says verbatim and I look up what is correct and not and find out what is correct and or not. What did I learn tbh, I am at a point of no return, I scheduled already my next retreat and I helped my neighbour today which again a lot of synchronicities from here on out, it can only get better. I've been appling my speed reading techniques and created abstractions as far as I can from self-help books. There are so many techniques for instance like polarity therapy which can work, yet I often intuit that most things can be done easier. ---- About Balance: Vispassana worked apparently for Shinzen the driest of the dry. I love that this guy still has humour, yet it's amazing how subtle it is. I still respect the dude to much and notice when you see the buddah on the road kill him. Some of the terms I do not recall instantly. Now I had a bunch of aweful experiences at uni, mostly because I did not mingle with enough women there, it feels way more social and I personally feel way more protected to work with women instead of with men. Depending on the circumstances, doing spiritual work and handling the politics of day to day existence is not as easy as I'd wish it is. Good thing is most beings do not care they are involved in their own drama and maya. Talking about it even adds to the attraction factor of bein mysterious and deep. Another thing I asked during another weird kriya experience is how can I access and or reach stream entry, I asked this one coach from Shinzen and he told me IRRC he did a retreat in Burma for 3-months or so and reached it. Also, slowing down and or speeding up the process of ego death is in the control of the person doing it. Is another key take away from the conversation. This will be a longer post, because this is something that I wanted to do for a long time. First things first I will not tolerate any comments that are xenophobic, mysogynistic, racist and or have no sense of humour at all about these topics, I retraced the people who wrote in my journal. Some of them got banned, because I complained about unfair treatment based on my skin colour, everyone is fragile, it depends how far you can see into that to even talk about it and tolerate it. I also wrote some semi-hostile stuff, more as a complaint, yet I sometimes forget how fragile people are, also how important it is to have developed friends who do not engage themselvse in this kind of thinking. There are some very crazy books out there. This is mostly a reminder to myself I will instantly ignore. The point is I keep the conversation alive by being alive, what is the point in even talking about it then ? I can't delete the colour of my skin. As well as the amount of ignorance from earlier stages is amazing. What is this now about balance ? Mostly I long to write about something substantial how I achieved more balance in my life, especially thanks to science podcasts as well as taking care of my health. Resting my circadian rhythm by going outside for walks in the morning and in the evening. Taking in light via the retina, using blue blockers when working late as well as when reading in bed to not use overhead lights. There are other things I wrote down taking notes, yet refining this mastery process of personal development as a hobby takes effort and energy. Working with my psychologist gives me again more balance she has experience with people of colour as well as has done a retreat in sri-lanka. I am able to talk about meditation experiences with her, yet I can see the limits of psychology when it is not transpersonal. There are experiences she has proccessed where I notice: "Oh please no projection". Again I am happy that I've read and that Leo found Wilber. Currently I do not have as much time as I'd wish I'd had to watch all of Leo's video I am taking action on the LP-Course and focus on more the practical side of things while digesting enough theory to keep me motivated. I always prefered theory over practice, yet practice also creates theory. Becoming a better trouble shooter for now is key. Also, being bold enough to increase my skill set is key. Finding and striking the right balance is still not easy. WOWW - On striking balance: Weekly planning (hourly basis) 20-30 min meditations positive visualizations Exercise 4-5 times a week Monthly goal setting Reading 2h on the weekend Gratitude journal Socializing I am a social person Getting up early going to bed late Caffiene on a bad day for some motivation I am not perfect Eating 3 meals a day currently Earned hunger Less appetite Deep work sessions Concept maps as notes Box method as notes Speed reading easier stuff Letting go of perfection Accepting emotional labour Creating positive can do attitude Creating an ethos with others Say no to unneccessary obligations Success journal Uplift others, stop being passive There is more, yet I am unsure how deeply I processed the interior of these theories so far, I've always been intersted in social theories. Yet, for now this is about making progress with my LP as an artist. As well as exploring my capabilities to achieve my dreams and goals via balance. I am not 100% accurate on the things above, as well as there is a lot of theory I consumed in a sense and to integrate all of this, is not easy. I will read more about buddhism in the near future. Reading and understanding Wilber gives me a headache without reference experiences. One key thing that I want to work on also is to have more playful and conscious humour which is not easy. Especially intellecutal humour tbh, I love it, yet I then again become very hubristic because of my upbringing. Coming from a working class background is not very fun, especially when you've always longed for expertise in an technical area which requires a degree of technical expertise. I like science a lot, learning about it and talking about it with others I notice how closedminded people are. Gosh I dislike playing a parnevu, yet it is part of playing this political game. I was not presented who had degress etc. Now even being "identified" as gifted is such a weird process. Because again this is mostly about Enneagram theory which is a stage yellow approx. personality theory. MBTi is very orange/Green as well as Green/orange imo. I will dive deeper into the enneagram, because I care alot about relationships. Forunately and unfortunately. ---- Growth SD: I'll give myself a rating from 0 - 10 based on how much I embody each of these values to see what I currently need the most and also, for a "micro-holonic" review. I am currently not stable enough to experiement with psychedelics and will work on creating more personal growth as well as sticking more to survival themes. Green: Love, heart, soul, empathy, intimacy, kindness (7) Compassion, mercy, leniency (8) Humanism, liberalism, social progress (9) Equality: gender, race, economic (8) Everyone is equal (10) Egalitarianism/Democracy (10) Anti-materialist, anti-consumerist, anti-greed (8) Social conscience (7) Supporting humanitarian causes (5) Activism & protests (5) Live-and-let-live attitude (9) Diversity, multiculturalism (8) Cosmopolitanism (10) Flattening hierarchies (9) Cultural relativism (10) Relationships, bonding (6) Pacifism, peace (8) Finding common ground (9) Harmony (8) Human well-being (8) Interpersonal skills (6) Warm interaction, hugs (8) Pleasing everyone (7) Sensitivity (9) Femininity (6) Teamwork (6) Dialoguing (8) Sharing ideas and feelings (9) Mind-altering drugs (9) Exploring altered states of consciousness (8) Spirituality (7) Spiritual but not religious (10) Communal spirituality (6) Environment, ecology (8) Back to nature (7) Sustainability (8) Recycling (8) Human-centered, heart-centered communities (5) Protect the vulnerable, help the downtrodden (7) Redistribution of resources, level playing field (10) Inclusiveness, everyone gets an opportunity (8) Don’t exclude anyone (10) Tolerance (10) Openmindedness (10) Free love, intimate sex (6) Sex education (9) Cooperation vs competition (9) Animals, children, the disabled, minorities (8) Creativity, beauty, art (9) Gurus (8) Bringing people of the world together (9) Socialism (5) Crying, expressing vulnerable emotions (8) Intuition over logic (10) Right brained (7) Health food & exercise (8) Max = 560 points My points = 470 I've been very green from the get go because of my upbringing with a lot of homosexual people in my enviroment and I enjoy their company usually a lot more. The point is it is not about having 100% in each stage, yet growing in each line the most difficult one for me is currently emotionally. So, what I am looking for since the emotional line, also stretches through from arachic to magic to mythic to etc. I presume I feel emotionally very Yellow currently, I feel I did not do enough healing work and working with small t trauma and big t trauma to be fully emotionally open. Also, I lack experience in relationships. My current LP goal includes dating and I will setup an online profile pretty soon. I already did a shooting for some good looking and handsome picture and asked some of my female friends to rate them. Again here for me key difference is feedback. The values above generally describe my attitudes that does not mean I act them out 100% all the time, I feel there is not much growth anymore needed here. To translate this stage. I still like the idea of stages. Still what I can work on and will work on since my personal sort of umbrella value is personal growth is the following: Green values to work on: Free love, intimate sex (6) Interpersonal skills (6) Femininity (6) Love, heart, soul, empathy, intimacy, kindness (7) These are values that I want to know and get to know more about and I will definitely discuss some of the issues I had in the past with intimacy. I've read a couple of books now and I generally do better then I think with women, somehow, yet I still lack experience. Good thing is the more I dive into my masculine nature of activity and presence IIRC this is correct, the more I understand the feminine nature. Yang = activity, masculinity Ying = passivitiy, feminity Again this is mostly from my personal notes, I still am not the greatest researcher and or scholar in that sense, because I fail to create an identity that includes this more seriously. Because I would work 90h a week then and receive burn-out. I still am learning unfortunately in that area.
  3. Consuming tea let's see if it works. Will meditate after consumption for 20 minutes. No visual good energetic high will consume amnesioa haze now also and see it's effects it's fun to explore in a sense I am listening to very uplifting music and I feel positive although I want visuals there is this slight psychedelic tingling I took 5g my friend to 3.5 let's see what will happen. Will mediate afterwards only for 20 mins though.. I am not noticing much I am thinking about taking more it's almost 2h into the trip. Meditation help nothing serious just a lot of digestion.
  4. Setting intentions for 20 minutes then doing another kind of meditation. I listend to some deepak while bathing and shaving... I had some ideas how to amp the process but what was more important where they mantras he mentioned for the trip itself incase I meditate while tripping also. Going to write my intentions down here also and for what before I start taking it I will recommend it to my friend also and meditating also as I will meditate 15-20min there again, depending on state of consciouness. I could eat smothingly light fruity before hand. But this time with a more don't know approach and just serious intent to explore consciouness basically concentration. Like a beaming white light never ending white light or tunnel/white tunnel. I will do my usual meditation then so it's more a don't know state and a lot of big emotions should come up that have nanoglows let's see what will happen. Intentions for this trip: first three that came to mind I am quiet hungry and can't think of something more deeper. Value! Key! LP: I am going to explore and find out which city and university to go to what does my deepest desire long for? What does my heart of heart want to go? Which specific things do you like? I like beautiful women like the one who liked me, I like water and rivers and I love to be close to open-minded, dynamic, fun and warm people who basically exhibit golden retriever energy. I am going to find the internal drive to channel my tense ambitions into loving and passionately burning ambition an ambition that does not feel rigid and logical, yet that feels open and loving for IT and A.I topics as well as humanity as a whole. I am going to explore my sensations of fear and distengale them as much as possible as well as any sense of self and I wish that it diminishes and is gone so I can experience ego death and it's beauty. I want to see physical reality is not real and explore consciouness in all it's possibilities. Dating: I am going to and intending to date more beautiful women I am fascinated by the human body and faces as well as personalities I love how dynamic a character as well as personallity can unfold individually 1o1 or collectively. I want to deepen my passion for sex and consciouss sex and explore big bliss! Ananda! I want to see what joy and bliss and emotions beyond love contain and share that with an amazing partner. Meaning concreate more sex! With more beautiful women who love me and I love them! I want to deepen my exploration of love and passion and ignite it with the biggest possible generosity and kind heartedness for a specific partner that I want to find and meanwhile explore the dimensions of sex in all it's faculties and have sex often! Financial Success: I want to be able to create a public image that creates re-venue basically a repute that speaks for it's self for it's accomplishments and build that in A.I and CS related topics. Preferably deep learning and machine learning. I want to be able to present and pitch information at a level compareable to a world class speaker or marketer. I want to infues my passion for financial success with internships I want to do two at least while I am doing my masters in other country and network the hell out of my life. So I burn through the passion of loving people and it's grasping and clinging. I want to have ideas implemented in the next 1 that are capeable of creating 10000€ a month with the means of A.I and CS related subjects as a side project! Find other students who are interested in building it and build wealth and financial freedom with them. I want to build my own company! That is it in all earnest even if it's superfical it feels humbling to say it feels superfical, yet something in me yearns a bit even just a tiny bit after these and I want to explore these sensations... Gratitude journal: I am thankful for meditating I am thankful for feeling gratitude I am thankful for tripping I am thankful for safety I am thank ful for consciouness
  5. Okay I see I watched now 40% of the Leo video from shrooms and I can tell I have to dig into the experience and just explore myself my psychdelic journeys have been different and I think glimpses I had went more into infinity and nothingness the sort of persona transistor to non-being I did not have that I had a reduction. Not a gone experience. Oh and oneness also a lot of harmony thoughts and forgivness insights about the fragility of existence and collective pain I enduced for instance as a man or even just human and who strongly that intent to survive was neccessary and I had this odd feeling of having kings arthurs sword and seeing how all of this brutal warfar mankind has been doing was neccessary to evolve because it was an inevitability it was quiet logical... If I re-trace the experience. I felt like a gladiator also and had a huge surge of humility it brought me to tears thinking how much destruction has been caused and how beautiful it is at the sametime. The raw animal desire of it for example. Imagine an impenetrable defence or defensive move from martial arts and use that energy and instinct to defend yourself in case of a case where your survival is threatend. That is sort of what brought my humilty my abillity to be vulnerable and autonemous at the sametime. Maybe Moksha is a good word or liberation but very visercarlly and cleansing.
  6. Date cancled apparently they went out after some programm for advancing in her career so I am going to meet my friend I did not meditate today I will meditate there for 30 minutes and quickly watch Leo's episode about shrooms. I am happy in a sense that it is not working out and she is still open and we are not angry at each other and understanding of the situation. I highly presume she is 9w1 or for MBTI's ENFP/INFP. She seems quiet extroverted so I dunno I dated one ENFP and she told me she is ENFP and I liked it that we could explore a topic and be non-judgemental. With INTJ's as an INFJ as so many like the MBTI here and I read more about the MBTI then the ENNEA but I did ENNEA courses so that is a diffy. INTJ's are pretty chill people I feel sometimes we bore each other as we have a different excitement for intellecutal things for example many INTJ's love ESTP humour that I meet as it's sarcastic me too as INFJ and I often just hand over the benefit of superior SE in that sense and wittyness and give my best to find my own mostly to the laughter at all or to their total diminishment. I can go over board. Same with INTJ's and their comments often very heartless and thought through as well as opinionated they don't mean it they feel very strong about it and sometimes they don't even know why. As I know they barely do anything to explore their body it's similar to ISTP's in that sense if they both start exploring their body they become such intense and sexy people it's insane. Yet, many are just casual cognitive NPC's`? Like on reddit. I mean I can't really read this I mostly go to Quora also. So I am a bit of a hipster and wannabe academic. A well-rounded classic. It's banal that these tendencies become ultimately diminshed through mindfulness according to enneagrams engrams. Meaning the personality encoded. Becomes decoded. Through mindfulness and you act less like a given type, but more like all. I think that is why NI is often so OP if there are tendencies to beginn with. They try to really utilize the wholeness aspect from a bottom up aspect and love to see themselves as included in the whole an then being whole. INTJ's might with a bit power intensity. Oh tripping on personality types how stupid it can be. I am not going into the order of functions. I don't know how 5-8 connect in that sense like 1-4, yet if that is the case then I can make conclusions also. A bunch of thinking called my friend. Date re-scheduled for sunday she made a cheecky comment mentioning that I am dating multiple people in a positive desireable way, yet aware of it's negative implications and playing with it. Love it! I bet we share that value... Uhm.... Like wtf. Anything else? Super hot like legit Model type person 3w2 or 2w3 liked me beautiful women absolutely gorgeous seems also very aware of artistic senses and interior design love it! She liked me hope no fake. Furhter away, to a place I might want to go. She has Insta so I presume she is not a fake. I am so hungry!
  7. I do have to say this trip will be re-creational mostly as it's the first time I am doing shrooms so I am not taking a high dose and for a deeper contemplation I'd need approx I think 4h minimum to get somewhere medicore deep till deep. Going to clean appartement now and prepare date by phone. Dosage wise I presume I will take 5g that is recommended I'll search some threads here how much people take. Sensetivity wise I'd guess I am a average it depends like there are just thresholds usually for me a mild dose is a mild dose a strong one a strong one. I am not extra sensetive I think although I can have highly elated states and feelings and impulses also because of VGP. So it depends since I am not used to it it is going to hit me pretty intensely Guess this helps also to know and I have a psychedelic strain so this should help also, this is also helpful. This is also helpful I remember a small anecdotal story with that I mean plants and water and drinking them.
  8. Sometimes I AM LIKE WTF. Lovely karma. I'll send it back always . I am unsure what to say I am surpised by how clever people are always. Date does not reply can do psyches unsure what to do. Quiet happy got some more info also so. It's interesting I am unsure sometimes people post pictures of stuff and ask if it has issues I'd never do that I'd show now what I have though in terms of information of what plant it comes from. So I dunno I think this is the best form of information to share. I wonder as there barely is any information if there is even more information. As the subjective effects are also reported. I have the atlantis one obviously . Also please don't go into the forest hunting for these things that is ridiculous. It'd be cool though to find some how they analyzed it in German it looks like a site a ranger made for hobbies. As there seems to be barely any recorded information about these plants and it's effects lol on official sites some research papers I saw also. Apparently this the psychdelic mushroom that is the most well-known so I presume this has the most research for anyone wanting to Google up the science. Also good info to learn about psyches I think I did not read the whole page and I have experience with LSD so the research is a bit different. Date also said yes today I also have the feeling I don't need to stretch this for an hour or so I could easily meet my friend and do this with him as I promised him and we all get what we want depending I mean many women would love to bond 24/7 I think 30 minutes of authentic connection will triumph anytime spent bonding with something not reached/meet? Hm...... Hmm................................... Hmmmmmmmmm................................................................................................................................................ Or maybe I am in a position to enjoy more independence with open-minded people that would be dope.
  9. The girl says she does not care where to go so I am wondering as to where to go if we go to my place we go bar my place if we go to her place we go bar her place I presume. So I dunno how her appartement looks like... I dunno if she lives with others and if I should ask this at this point sometimes I am overfocused on winning the girl instead of just asking logistical questions for example and sexualizing... maybe I dunno again. I am unsure what is better as the appartement matters the most my gut feeling tells me go to her place. My being tells me it would be best if she would be here, yet I presume she'd be bored as I don't have a TV and basically only a larger monitor and a second monitor and a pc. A small room with a table so it's kinda cozy in a sense when everything is cleaned up you can easily sit on my bed and watch movies on the large screen comfortable enough. If I imagine her space it's either she lives with other people same situation more familiarity for her if she has her own appartement I think it would not make a big diffy as it's sort of my joy to provide that in a sense for people in general family, friends etc. So I dunno it depends I guess how much she enjoys her space? Also who ever said I'd go to her place haha. I am going to presume it and proceed with confidence and follow through with my desire in that sense. She also smokes cannabis sometimes so we could also do it either then at her place or mine. I really dunno. It should be pretty simple for this scenario of having neither favourable options to go for an appartement as there could be multiple barrieres to break through. Her city has better pubs from just skimming so I presume going there is the better option, also my curiosity is sparked so she also has to provide a bit which increases likeabillity. The point is if you are that comfy you really have to make a move if I go through my vision of how my dates should unfold more smoothly in the future. Being chill is good, yet I will have to make advances. I did not think about touching leg etc. As I am more prone to find a spot to go for a kiss maybe hold hands or smth. like this, yet I presume it's going to be more chill so none of that is neccessary I'd be likely to ask can I go to your place or join you or let's go to your place etc. Can work. As it would not be to instrutive. A glas of wine implies so much it's incredible and you don't even have to drink it or just going for drinks in general opens up stuff. Let's see I did not drink alcohol for ever should be fun for her. I will only drink one glass as I drive depending what we do and what kind of person she is let's see what happens.......... .. . .. .. . .. . . .. . .. I presume she is out for adventure and big emotions somehow. I somehow have the hope she gives it and shares that joy with me.
  10. I missspelled a name nice coincidence with the other turkish girl she is a cs major and new matches and replies one even would be inclined to travel with me. Kinda crazy super sweet girl also attractive I'd like to see her in person also. As for now I'll chill I am not even making any effort to message. Bumble now has the compliment function and I found a cool match that is also on a deeper level coincidentel also very interesting any unique character, but young IIRC. Hope my date says yes as I literally misspelled names I usually don't do that, yet I really need to get to meet a person first in face in order to remember their name. Sometimes I remember peoples faces more then their names so that is odd also, then I usually remember. Guess this is normal and everybodies experience.
  11. Some music I enjoy listening to high energy and flow state enducing imo. The second video is the NFT art as from one video I posted.
  12. Slept like 5h or so because I am so excited for psyches. Going to drink coffee and chill and clean up the majority of my appartement. Nothing really new new match replied and original second date told me she barely has anytime till the end of the month. So I'll said let's see what happens I am not all to much interest in her, so I want to get to know her because from a few interactions online to be so close-minded to a normal human being is just not the thing I also don't want to force her. I really do not care.
  13. Nothing happend anymore till now I checked the process today psyches should be okay. Unsure when to do what to do because of dates. No real obligations because it's an at home date online and even the second date has the potential for an at home date and this one though in person. I presume we will go out to a bar hopefully if I up my profile I should be pretty popular. Let's see what I do with her I'll most likely be talking about consciouness and vacations and applications. Maybe she has an idea also or smth. I did not check a couple of gems like this one and it should apply and I also should just apply and see what happens like my psychologist told me her story and that was nice to hear. Going to sleep now listening again to an deepak chopra audiobook the fullfilment of desire I kept thinking since Leo's video about burning karma and the sadghuru audiobook karma what to do with it and also the book from deepak chopra. The spontanous fullfilment of desire is about the theme of meeting passions/needs/wants/cravings/yearnings/desires/fantasies and I never had such a palpable idea of what desire entails especially in combination with passion and love and it's fullfilment not lack of it. Even the tiniest glimpses sometimes can create abundance. Especially also the books I read from Leo's list and success I did one exercise of the book and it was like a christian soto zen meditation about abundance it was very good and wholesome the words were written like a mantra. I am unsure anymore what it entails in the deepest sense possible to feel abudance/desire/richness? Something more in that direction a whole positive feeling the spotaneously guides you and even sends you gold nuggets when you are bored. It's a very good book to listen too it somehow grounds my spiritual ambitions to be spiritually ambitious in that sense. I checked for example the potential gem I should apply because I should have 108 credit points in cs. Depends just what they see as cs and if maths counts the engineering subjects yes I am just a bit worried about the HCI moduls we had if they count as I had 3 of them and one project and one design modul. But looks like an opportunity it does not have a numerus clausus and offers some interesting lectures went through their slide for on math subject that can be relevent for K.I and what not? TBH *sigh*........ . .. .. .. ... . Looked simpler then I thought then I noticed it can get tricky, yet I somehow feel more confident I understood most of what they want, yet again to many questions more then answers and some stuff is self-explanatory when applied..... I think... I dunno ... Anyway deeper connection to my desires and wants and my quest that I've set out for myself to make my life into a synchrodestiny event is in motion. Creating what I imagine and taking action feels great, even if they are baby steps. Checked the other uni a person that was here on the forum went to to much stuff that is hardware oriented as I had the impression and they barely offered from their overview any insight if it's included it's just robotics and processes not deep learning etc. w/e Point is living costs are the cheapest the gem I just found which has a.i lectures they have a private university also which is like *edel* apparently w/e. I meet I think only two person from elite universities so far lol. One was dope, there other an ass. Who is who I let the others decide. Feeling good more options that are not cracked to the n'th degree because of my region is basically the nr.1 tech region like this cluster and especially what they do here. If I'd had a better family like my researcher friend I'd be inclined to do the same and stay here and enjoy life as in terms of CS. The city is cracked also with maths and engineering so. I dunno I'll see.
  14. One new match some conversations some closing some responses summer... I dunno I find it odd psyches I should get my hands on today which kinda sucks for the date. I won't cancle it also as it's just rude saturday would also be difficult. Dating while tripping I am unsure I am very elated then it's like 99.9% of my good self comes forth when 73% or so is already online it's odd I IIRC spread a lot of good vibes. So I dunno. It's fun for me it should be fun for her and better friday then saturday as I can do it before which would suck I would prefer to trip into the evening at best or early morning till evening. Something like that.
  15. The women who replied to meet was the pale brunette girl who is into sports. She is in a unique way quiet sexy. I've asked where to drink on saturday and said I went to both places and implied both are okay. So I'll see I'll try to feel her out and meet her needs seems like a very kind-hearted person she randomly could be 9w8 or 8w9 I still go with parts of my prediction that is is a 4w3 but I dunno in the end it does not really matter. What matters is compatibility. I forgot to reply on Bumble today no psyches I'll reply to the other girl. I have to think because if stuff works out now I have to tell them that I am seeing other girls I tell them that mostly on the first date if I get the intution that she has issues with that. I never done it on public though only online so that is also a hinderance. Hopefully I can meet the pale brunette girl too she does have something mysterious about her could also be a more compatible INFJ. mh........ The other thing is to calibrate socially and look for hook/sexualizing points and to calibrate appropirately. Bumble I did not reply yet. I'll text them later and also the date tomorrow to check-in if we are meeting or not. I presume she seems very spontaneous besides something is serious it's odd to consider how personality for instance plays a role as it's overfocused besides values. Value would be more interesting also would definitely deepen the bond between people. By the way I type and they respond my image of them who agree to meet must seem stranger danger + sexy. I dunno they barely said anything about themselves. I was the usual authentic with more focused and less noobie mistakes. Like any form of neediness. Still having issues closing in that sense this was just based on interest they seem both more sexual as people with that I mean just the desire for sex and sensual experiences. Anyway it's legit the same.
  16. How am I feeling after this? Definitely lighter energetically wise I thought it was a shitty session, yet I was able to just follow the flow of energy and relax tense areas in body and fully let go. Introduced a don't know mind at the beginning and then intentions. I presume the otherway around would be better. I am not feeling the same healthy somewhat spiritual conscious ego strengthening, that I had yesterday when I introduced intentions. Similar to a divine pride. Anything else? A lot of thoughts because of the dates what to wear what to say I let go of that. Had a lot of positive imagery and a strong desire for the date on saturday. I keept planning unwillingly I did not force myself and just noted the experience consistently and I always went back to a lot of planning in this session about survial needs. That is about it I'd say I just feel more healthy today and a bit more clarity as well as awarness and equanimity. Concentration also yet not at a level where I'd say it's beyond what I usually experience. A bit elevated.
  17. Felt a strong urge to take psychedelics today, yet it mainly would be re-creational. The point is having a good gut instinct might just make the experience already worht it technique does not really matter, yet the experience itself and how to handle it so technique could also matter I dunno. Will meditate now 1h to this. Will report afterwards. Gratitude journal: I am grateful for receiving dates instantly after just barely a week or so of online dating I am grateful for receiving and noticing hints from women as well as advances and IOT's I am grateful for feeling happy when I listen to music that resonates with me I am grateful for contemplating desire more and what it means to have a strong desire I am grateful for getting what I want with less resistance and more joy and wonder
  18. Turkish girl asked for saturday. Biology girl replied I'll ask her out to she is a 2w3 I presume or 2w1 even. I like these type of people just sometimes to much logic can be unfun and 2's never state what they need others should just know that is what they generally wish. So I need to get to know people as they automatically provide. I am unsure where where to go to with the turkish girl as I first have to clean my appartement and wash some clothes today. I looked for meditation retreats and vacation trips they approximately have the same price depending on which site I go. I can do a 9 day don't know shiktentaza retreat as not many people know this master and I see him above shinzen a bit when it comes to depth just because he started at 18 very seriously and Shinzen at 25. I see them more as equal yet I presume the french teacher just has the depth of a soto master. What else? I'll keep looking for retreats that is cheap and I stil should be a student so I get a discount for about 180€ or so even. I'd like to go to a different place the Vipassana place is booked out in Triebel. This Dashin-Zen Meditation stuff is interesting. yet IIRC everything is also booked out here. I keep looking the more casual retreat centers are like advandced wellness centers I presume to some level. If I'd find a good trainer or group I'd join, yet I prefer to learn something larger about life also and I really like the origin of stuff, so when I can go to the ultimate source I'd always prefer that instead of something half satisfactory. Matched another girl on Bumble extended the mega hot match I presume it's a fake account. A couple of new matches also in Germany 150km away I was surprised by the match then I thought he she seems 3w2'ish I never thought I'd get along with 3's as I knew what a 3 is in the enneagram. Just by seeing these types of people in real life they often embody what I don't have in terms of status and material stuff they also dress in a way that is very appealing to me as I like eccentricity and uniqueness as well as originality. I should be able to do psyches today or tomorrow so I am unsure when to do them if I have two dates I would have prefered to do it today, yet it seems time is not my ally. I'll have some cannabis left from what I wanted to smoke yesterday. There are certain pressures and ideas. I am really horny for the turkish girl I can't deny that I also think she could have a high sex drive. I keep thinking about astrology and the dating tips there and just enjoying fantasy for fantasies sake. I somehow meet a lot of Cancer signs currently and in general always Aries and Leo. Pices is also something I barely get matches from other star signs they are so random these really stand out to me. Besides Gemini maybe I am also a Gemini. I looked up how biased people are towards star signs. It's incredible star sign racism is alive like 50% of people or so say they would never date a Gemini because they are unfaithful etc. I think it's stupid, yet it'S good stuff for conversation and it is at a level of absurdity/stupidity that it is fun to talk about it and I liked to stuff as a teenager a bit from all countries what kind of astrology system they use and what it says about me. It's fun I have good experiences talking with women about this. I am unsure as to why it's so appealing besides the mystery and wonder. Yet for that it is really good for symbolic usage. P.S I saw the message I did not even read it as I was so tired because I went to bed at 4 am. So much to context aware people she could apparently not even pull that off. Somehow this triggers my impatience funny. Must be stressed. Anything else? No not so far. Will reply later to the girls on the app. Will meditate 1h and I slowly need to get started with everything. Operation, applications, vacations, retreats, new appartement, research in general. One girl deleted my because I did not reply in her perception of time obviously there is a society based sort of standard for this reply when you can to not be rude. Yet I did not reply for 4-5h after seeing the message and she deleted me I liked her because of open-mindedness and she was looking for deep connections. I think most people looking for deep connections are completely incapeable of connecting to themselves and need others. That is the impression that she gave me now. I really don't like impatience and a bitchy attitude in an extrem immature way. A little bit does not bother me I have a lot of impatient friends, yet can't even wait 1 day for a reply. Like you are out. I don't need a dog that 24/7 needs my attention and affection. Even I can give myself more anytime because of how unloveable I find this behaviour. I automatically resume to loving myself and that is the more whole perspective imo when someone spreads negativity and possessiveness. I know how that feels. I don't like it a bit like of positive possessiveness is fine also this ties in closely with jealousy and desire and not meeting needs. So stating that often helps which makes twos and issue as it takes time to think what to provide as people generally never state what they desire if they are not of high confidence or very social and extroverted. I was fortunate to date people a bit more on the extroverted side that really helps me to deal with the image of society that is projected onto my phenotype and choice of clothes and hair style. I've gotten a better handle of it since I worked with my prof who is an expert in this and just by going to the gym and travelling. I find it then difficult to find authentic connections as this persona or avatar is built. I automatically connect based on an authentic desire with others. So that is great for growth, yet some part of me is often that is not you. That is mainly just resistance disguised as false evidence when I feel the resistance for example for this desire I notice I really want it deeply as it feels fullfilling. Just thinking about exercise and going to the gym in this case.
  19. More likes more observations the life style that people present online is not even very expensive it's just smoke and mirrors in case I am using the word correctly. I matched a couple of girl that live here closest I think is 90km away. Another one also. The other turkish girl did not reply. Sent out a few messages otherwise, I dunno I keep contemplating the patterns about the ennea when chatting and interacting online. I keep seeing similar patterns of people who I meet and who like me online. I am definitely missing out on something when I think about the other signs. Let's see I forgot to ask the pale brown haired girl out again, so I did it this time. Seems like the red haired girl who said yes first now does not seem to reply. So I am stopping not worth the investment.
  20. Asked her out she of course responded to the almost good ol classic do you like wine invite and says she rather meets in person so I asked her out. I guess the psychologist buff pays a bonus omfg. I feel somehow I can meet this person on an eye level for some random reason as well as I presume she is a physical love type from type 5 question love language bla bla. Asked the polish girl more about herself she does not seem to open up I made a self-relevatory statement a slight one as there are barely and IOTS she should ask me a question now if my intuition is correct. I got the Indonesian girl to reply I'll most likely have to spam her as she seems to have a null tolerance policy for bull shit she is an engineer apparently so I guess that is it. Maybe I should just ask instead of xxx at best with an engineer when they respond with more then 1 sentence or a few words. Which she did she tripple texted me and she lives nearby again. So it's a dating opportunity. I am not going to stop if I have seen some IOT till I hear a direct no. As this is just to much at this point. Obviously there is some grey area yet let's get not in the deep ends of the gray area.
  21. The hot turkish girl finally made some advances on my direkt question if she wants to go out as I presume she is just busy with work life and taking care of health. New likes also otherwise nothing new the polish girl texted me back that lives here in Germany. She is a bit older she is 30. Attractive women with black shorter hair and a sexy body. So yeah that is about it I'll be able to make advances now on the turkish girl and we might meet in person. Let's stay positive here. Insta girl from app transition did not reply I presume that was the 18 year old girl who said she seldom uses this app. So still don't know if she is fake or not she created insta today it seems and uploaded pictures. This app has a lot of bots. I'll text back in about 1-2h as they both take their time also in a normal healthy way.
  22. Found a music playlist that includes trance music and a lot of more conscious, artsy, expressive styles of edm/trance instead of this trashy edm for example at the gym. Can't post the enitre list. Will post one of the artist that I currently enjoy listening to.
  23. How do I feel after 1h meditation? I definitely notice sort of the nanoglow of a 1h session with consciouness instead of just health benefits or positive feelings it feels overall more whole and complete as an experierence as well as an introductiong and deepening to beign. What as noticeable during this session? A lot of flow on the outside of my body a lot of activity in my head connected slightly to my body activity in my head was very strong so I had to disentangle the experience first to feel more lighter. I lot of imagery decent concentration and matter of factness of acknowledging the experience/sensation. Introduced intentions had a positive strengthening impact on my beign. Have a weird association with time when I smoke cannabis it seems I loose sense of it which is nice. I was able to feel the pain and stress of missing out on things and being overwhelmed by the pressure of time and to perform and to keep track of what is higher then the other thing. Even for clarities sake. I tried to let go and introduce don't know I was pulled in by other sensations that by technique wise I automatically acknowledge. It's a weird don't know because I can't know also externally. I opend my eyes a couple of times and relaxed them after closing them again or rather relaxing the eye lids. Which again introduced tranqulity. I noticed a steady grasping and pulling of sensations. I barely attempted to control it. I feel more grounded the intention introduced a lot of this feeling after this I experienced an internal strength I seldom feel so soldily. Felt a lot of outer flow also feet on the ground, back against the chair, buttchecks on the chair, sensations of my hands on my lap etc. A lot of wholesome flow the spreads through my whole body including my head. Feel a good amount of concentration and clarity today besides the grasping and pulling of sensations and the "effort" of relaxing them.
  24. Creating our future selves? Or watching our story? I still wonder lol. Legit insane idea. The portal looks also insane.
  25. Going to meditate to this for 1h. Still smoking skimmed through the Leo video again to see if I missed anything going to post another review as I am pretty sure I watched it fully and did the exercise. I was lying in bed while I did it and did a meditation while lying with a biofeedback trick that does not make you sleepy there are also other ways you can meditate while lying down. I sometime do this when I am exhausted from sitting and my body gives me wrong signal because of my scar and or negative past impressions that are associated with it and are overwhelming. One weird habit I can have is that when I meditate and go deeper I twist my neck towards the the right where my scar is so I am looking from it in a sense or looking from it's direction to my right shoulder in a sense as the scar is on my right hip. I still wonder what that is sometimes I don't even notice it till I sit in a twisted position it's often then when I am lost in thought also or am more soaked in by an experience that is visual IIRC. Anything else? I notice the effect of the cannabis and why they describe this strain as more psychdelic it's like I feel a very psychedelic type energy in my head and I keept checking briefly for drifters as the energy implied it's existence. Positive heady heavy most likely will connect top down I presume. I really appreciate 2w3's somehow when I look back they always added the little spice I needed and I often overlooked them as they had so many friensd already. Wrote a bit more provacative message felt my resistance it was positive so I went for the more counterintuitive rude thing. it's a tip from all the dating things I watched so more a tool. That also was used on me often by extroverts. In a curious way yet with sort of bad assumptions socially even when not so meant. Let's see.