Clarence

For the clicks obviously… but also for educational purposes and just out of curiosity? I'd be pretty curious to experience that insect sting too. It looks fun

35 mg 5-MeO-MALT 02.19.24 I don't have a proper report to write down, but I will still share my experience and my ''mistakes''. I went into the trip at about 1h30 pm, hungry and thirsty (I don't eat nor drink the day I trip to avoid getting any nausea). The morning had been rough. I had had an appointment with my psychiatrist and then I had some shopping to do. So I was outside, thinking, walking, being surrounded by people and noise for four hours, and all of that on an empty stomach. Plus, the day before had been very long and challenging. When I sat on my bed, the syringe in my hand, I felt exhausted. I wanted to sleep, but having very few opportunities to trip and wanting to become more decisive - so to stop changing my mind all the time, I took the substance. I didn't feel scared, just tired, and it still felt like I had more to gain than to lose. But the trip went faster than me. I couldn't properly keep up and observe the experience. I had memories from the morning and previous day that were coming up, and I couldn't tell if they were past, present, real or imaginary. I didn't know if they had happened or if I was making them up, and I couldn't make the difference between the past and the present. There was a sense of confusion. It was not scary though and not surprising either because I am conscious that everything is imaginary. I enjoyed experiencing the imaginary nature of reality in this direct way, but I was unable to tell how much of this ''weirdness'' was caused by my tiredness or by the substance. The trip lasted about 2 hours, but it felt much shorter, like if I had missed parts of the trip (maybe not, but maybe I did). When I stood up to turn off the light, I noticed that I was not walking straight, and that my movements were not very coordinate, going too fast, and so they were more difficult to execute. As the trip was ending, I started contemplating, as I did in my last trip, but instead of being inspired, I entered a very dark place. My worries and negative thoughts became stronger and I could not get myself out of them (I'm not able to in my daily life either). I suffered a lot. I suffer a lot all the time, but with the remaining of the substance in my system, my suffering became far worse and my thoughts even darker. Though, time was running out and I had obligations. I had no choice but to suck it up and greet my mother as if nothing had happened (she doesn't know that I take psychedelics and she doesn't know that I suffer from MDD). It was really hard. I focused on my puppy who is full of joy to not let anyone know my emotional state. And I took some paracetamol as I started having a headache right away. I kept mentally suffering the entire evening. I just wanted to be in bed to sleep, as I was extremely tired, and didn't have the space (being surrounded by family) to process and feel my emotions. I had a terrible night with many different dreams. And the days after didn't go better. Lessons Coming out from this trip (and these few days), I learned the lesson that I can allow myself to be more patient and accept that my living conditions are not adapted right now for spiritual (and even psychological) work. I had a lot of frustration and guilt, feeling that I was not doing enough (that I could for example wake up very early to trip when every one was sleeping). But after this trip, my level of guilt regarding that got reduced. I think that I can wait to create a better life to do the work I want to do. I even think that waiting is necessary and not a bad thing. I also learned that I won't trip again when being that exhausted. I think that I lost a lot out of the trip because of the tiredness. I plan to do the same dose at some point in the future, in better conditions, to see how different the trip will be. Also, maybe 30 mg would have been enough, but I'm still at the very beginning of learning to know the substances, the quantities, and overall, the different kind of trips possible. So the other reason I can have lost part of the trip (or at least, have that feeling) is if the dose was too high. But I can't know for sure at this point what the real reason was, or if it was the mix of both.

That's called misophonia (maybe look into it for answers). I have it too, so I understand the intensity of it.

Wouldn't it be better to find a longer lasting psychedelic who could produce something similar to that? Even if you can get it sometimes on 5-MeO, the duration is so short it doesn't sound great or practical to use this substance for that use. Reading your example, it made me think about the end of a trip I had on magic truffles. I could see the beauty of everything and the feeling was great. So maybe some other psychedelic could fit better (whether psilocybin or something else).

@OBEler It kind of defeats the whole purpose of 5-MeO-DMT. Maybe another psychedelic would be a better fit for what your are looking for (I don't know which though, nor do I understand the effects you are looking for).

@strangelooper Humans can act more selfish at times and more selfless at other times. I don't see a problem using them as opposites. Consciousness is still selflessness even if there are babies dying of hunger. Consciousness doesn't differentiate between what is perceived as "good" and "bad" by humans. They're are babies dying because humans are selfish - not because consciousness (selflessness) is. Also I'm not just a "projection of the consciousness". I am Consciounsess itself. One cannot just be a projection of consciousness. We are consciousness. And we are being selfish as humans because we get the choice to and choose to, not because "the source projects selfishness on us".

- Being greeted every morning and at random times during the day by my dogs. Hugging them. Watching them being playful together. I offered them toys today and that made them very joyful, which made me happy too. - My phone, car and laptop. I often think of how glad I am to have them. - Actualized.org. Mainly, for the help it provides to answer my existential questions. It is so comforting knowing that this website just exists. I'm also very grateful when I watch a video or do some research on the forum. Though, they don't necessary qualify as "little things". I guess the line is hard to draw and depends from which angle you look at it.

5-MeO-DMT 30 mg This was the best trip I've had so far and one of the best experience of my life. Though, I don't know how I could put this into words. It is very challenging and quite annoying because I'd like to be able to depict my experiences better. I feel that I went deeper in this trip than in my past trips. I had told myself that I would this time remain sitted and keep my eyes open to better observe consciousness. As the trip was coming up, I became completely one with the room. I could see the ceiling as myself and the distinction between me and the room ceased to exist. As the trip went on, I basically could see consciousness with my mind's eye. I realized that I was the entire universe, and that consciousness was infinite. I felt like I could explore consciousness and go into new realms. I had the desire to close my eyes and get comfortable to just enjoy the moment of seeing consciousness so perfectly. With higher doses, I will be able to enter higher and more radical states of consciousness. I have such a calling to explore consciousnesses. The peak and the ''slowing down'' of the trip lasted longer this time too. So I could bask in this awakening longer. It felt so good. I spent the time following the peak reflecting on various things, and one thing I realized was that I could not completely cut myself out from other people's suffering and at large, the suffering of the world. I am hyper sensitive and the suffering of the world has been a challenge since I was a child. These last years, I have completely stopped caring (at least, I convinced myself of that, and that it had stopped affecting me). But it can't. I came to realize that no matter how hard I try, our consciousness is one, and so I cannot live as a separate individual, completely immune to the suffering of the world. As I am a part of it, I am also impacted by the suffering around. But also, I better understood my own suffering in relation to the people I live with (my mother and grandmother). We are having a really difficult time as my grandmother is at the end of her life - we are her caregivers, and we are all in a lot of suffering from this difficult life situation. This trip helped me better understand and accept my suffering in relation to their suffering. I also realized that I had become very egocentric (mainly as a defense mechanism, but still), in the sense that: I suffer so much, I choose not to care anymore about other people's suffering, and so I have become more self-centered. I've been spending the last few weeks catching up on the Actualized.org videos I haven't watch (quite many, as I had felt overwhelmed with feeling so far behind in struggling so much to actualize the more materialistic teachings). The video I was watching yesterday was Understanding The Exquisite Balance Of Life. At some point, Leo was saying that when you're being selfish, you're cutting yourself off from God, because God is Selflessness. I had a direct realization on that in this trip. It made complete sense while listening to him, but it was even more vivid in this higher state of consciousness. It made me want to become more selfless in a healthy way. I also had the insight that I am in charge, in myself, of more than I think of, and that I have the capacity to change myself more than I think I can. I often feel helpless and a victim of the complex working of my mind, which is not too well suited to live in this world (and so it creates a lot of suffering in my daily life). That insight was in relation to that. It gave me a taste, a feeling, that I can change more than I think. Coming out of this trip, I feel very peaceful. I started writing the report by the end of the trip to better remember it. I really wished I had my own place to live to have more opportunities to trip. But moving out will create other kinds of suffering for my mother and grandmother, and thus, it won't completely free myself from my suffering related to them. But at least, tripping more will help me see things I can't see now and change things I can't change now. And so maybe become better at helping them than I am now. I was able to trip these last two days because I was doing some castle sitting for a friend (pretty cool, huh).

5-MeO-DMT 25 mg 22.01.24 This was my fourth 5-MeO-DMT trip. I upped my dose from 20 to 25 mg. My intention was basically to deepen my understanding of Consciousness. My sense of reality started shifting 2 minutes after plugging. (I really wished I had more time to settle before feeling the effects.) The peak happened shortly after. I don't recall a come up. All I had time for was to accept the shift of consciousness as it took place, and then I was in a peak experience. I might repeat myself a lot, but so far my trips share a lot of similarities. I became conscious of being God and the Universe, that I created everything that I ever came into contact with (or simply thought or imagined) and that everything was possible in the field of consciousness. I spent a part of the trip breathing very deeply in my hand (it just happened before I noticed it), realizing that I was God. At time, I would also stop breathing. It felt equally good and profound. As the intensity of the trip was reducing, I tried to get insights on how to change the things that I don't like about myself, the things that make my life difficult (mainly, extreme overthinking and anxiety). But I didn't get any insight on that. The only insight I got back (but which I knew already), was that understanding consciousness is a need for me - not just a desire, but a fundamental need. I wonder how my trips will evolve on higher doses. I would really like to trip on 4-AcO-DMT when I get the chance, as so far my trips on magic truffles were more insightful on changes regarding my personality.

@OBEler Not always, but most of the time. I always place my head under the blankets anyway. My room is pretty cold - I'm pretty bad at decorating and I don't use a heater (the temperature is at 10° C - 50° F), so I just don't like being in there, it is very depressing. I feel better when I cut myself out of it. I think it allows me to delve deeper into consciousness as I don't get heavy thoughts from the cold and sight of the room. I don't have enough experience/memories from tripping with my eyes open with 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT to really be able to talk about it. I do have a vague idea of my consciousness expanding to include the entire room, but that is pretty much all I can say. It will require other trips to observe what is happening with my eyes open (and maybe moving out). I haven't considered this method. Maybe I'll try snorting once out of curiosity. But I didn't think about vaping, though I'd like to learn how to do it for DMT. This substance could be very convenient actually. But I still haven't done the research to find it and know how to vape it efficiently. 5-MeO-DMT is short lasting enough for the time I have, so it's better for me not to reduce the length of the trip. Do you use other methods than plugging?

5-MeO-DMT 20 mg Situation before the trip I don't feel like having a trip, at all. I am feeling terrible for various reasons. I have no desire for anything, I don't even care about understanding Consciousness these days, which is quite bad as it is the thing I care about the most. As I am feeling so bad, the thought of taking a psychedelic of this class is scary as it is radical and quick acting. I don't have a clear mind, so the changes in consciousness could be challenging and painful. And I will have to completely let go of my suffering, which is hard. What tells me to do it anyway is that : 1. I have an available day today and I never know when the next one will be. 2. In normal times, understanding consciousness is my passion and what I want to make my life about. 3. Past trips thought me that tripping was often what I needed most even when I didn't feel like it. 4. I'd like to suffer a bit less to better change my situation, and it could have a positive impact on that, as it did in the past. I decided to go with 5-MeO-DMT as it is short lasting and I just had about 2 hours available for the trip. Ideally, I would have taken psilocybin, but I neither had the time nor the substance. Right before the trip: I took a few more minutes to get myself ready to let go, to get into a neutral state of mind, to get ready to accept the shift in consciousness that was to come and to just let it happen. I had no particular intention for the trip, I just wanted to get more familiar with this substance and get a bit closer to access alien consciousness/intelligence. Trip report As it did last times, the trip started extremely quickly. After just two minutes, the come up started. A few moments later, I was in complete non-duality. I did wear my mindfold mask right after plugging to make the come up easier. As I was already in the dark (''in consciousness''), it was easier not to resist any changes of consciousness and to ''forget'' about myself and the physical reality. I quickly laid down as I didn't have the strength to remain sitted, and I completely let go of my mind and my body as my consciousness shifted to non-duality and infinity. I had a strong taste of infinity in this trip. I started breathing very deeply, exhaling through my mouth, the air blowing against my knees under the blankets. Feeling the warmth of the breath and hearing its sound in this non-dual state was a very deep experience. I started doing it before I realized it, and suddenly became conscious of this from a high-consciousness, non-dual, perspective. There was a feeling of ''being back home'' in this expanded state of consciousness, as the same happened in other trips. That is how I became conscious again of how I am God, Consciousness and Infinity, and how as such, I could explore Infinite Intelligences for eternity. This in itself was already a form of infinite intelligence. That is not a human day to day form of intelligence. And I felt satisfaction from it. What happened also at the same time was that my depression alleviated. But by the end of the trip I had to make a conscious effort not to fall back right into it by mistake (which was happening when I caught it). The peak of the trip lasted for about 30 minutes, but it quite pursued for 20 more minutes. At about that time, I stood up and went back to my day with a clearer state of mind. The entire trip was smoother than I expected. It was not painful in any way and I really, really, loved it. I wish I would have more opportunities to trip, but my current life situation doesn't allow it (I'm working towards changing it - it's taking way longer that I can handle).

@OBEler It might be, but if it is, I seriously don't understand how it can be. (even though I do) @Breakingthewall I personally find him extremely clear. I don't know how clearer one could be on those topics. They're very tricky and I think he's doing a great job at formulating them and giving guidance to get to the same kind of understanding and realizations he got to. @Thought Art Well yes, I don't really talk about me, but in my opinion, that's not relevant to the topic. Beside, I got my answers, you may stop working so hard telling me how immature and neurotic you think I am.

I would now find meaning (in my own life) in sharing with people who understand the same things I understand. But I don't find such people where I live, and I don't find many more on the forum. The desire to find/create some meaning, or to do something like spending a nice day with someone, don't negate knowing how meaningless everything is.

@Thought Art You make many assumptions without knowing me. I certainly am more mature, careful, and contemplating way more more than you can think. @Jehovah increases I've been aware of the meaninglessness of life from a very early age and I have been living without meaning ever since. So I am well aware of how psychologically damaging that can be. The positive is that I have no meaning left to lose, so I can only get some from deconstructing my mind even more and having very deep awakenings. I just don't understand why there aren't more people like me, but that is my bias/problem.

Yes, I know psychedelics are not for everyone and that he nearly killed himself. Though, that is not the point of my message. I think you're the one who's not listening. I pretty much don't care about convincing you of anything. I just wonder if some people are interested in going much deeper. I personally don't see that being discussed a lot. What I see being discussed a lot is all the reasons why people won't or don't want to go deeper. I've grown out of that. It was a short passage. Right, though I can still wonder if someone else also wants to reach the deepest realizations and understandings one can have (in Leo's sense, not to argue with what is deep). The reason I was asking was mostly to check if I was right to feel one of the few if not the only one doing that. I must say it would have been even more exciting to hear the opposite from one of the person doubting or disregarding all of this the most. But if that never happens, that's okay. I don't care about fighting and arguing. Which explain why I'm not very active on the forum (which doesn't mean I don't read it). I agree with what you're saying, I've had awakenings and breakthroughs. They were so profound that they made me realize that they couldn't be achieved/haven't been achieved through simple practices like meditation. In my opinion, you can't know whether I am right or wrong because because you haven't properly used psychedelics to verify that. And at the same time, you can argue that I can't know either how your awakening is like because I haven't reached a similar kind of awakening … so I guess the discussion is endless. Though the chances are still higher that someone Absolutely awakened (let's say) get even deeper realizations through psychedelics, than it is for me to reach some Absolute/final enlightenment. But who cares in the end. No one is here, but Me, or You. Depends on the objective. If the objective is to reach a complete understanding of all of reality, it would be silly not to recommend them. Though it doesn't mean that they will act properly on everyone, especially on those who don't do the work, as Leo says, of deconstructing their mind. It certainly doesn't mean either that they can only bring positive things. Though I don't think anyone here believes that about them.