Azrael

5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #3: On Being God

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@Azrael Hey hey, was geht ab? - Alright, let's keep it in English here so that others may benefit from our sublime eloquence and wisdom. xD

I vividly remember my fourth LSD trip (the first one outside of the comfort of my home) that took place in the middle of Tiergarten on a pretty chilly October evening... oh boy, what a crazy experience that was, heh! It also was the first time I ever took acid together with a friend of mine; I especially remember that, whenever I talked to him during the trip, I had this very clear notion that I am actually talking to myself the whole time, up to the point where I told him "Man, this is fucking ridiculous... why the hell do I even bother talking to you?! This 'dialogue' is nothing but a goddamn soliloquy!!" LOL

Btw, looking back on your own 5-Meo experiences, would you say that taking it alone by yourself and gradually increasing the dose with each time is definitely the way to do it or might it be a better idea to visit a facilitator and take a proper dose straight away? Thing is, I generally prefer tripping alone; for one thing, I think that you get deeper insights when you do it in solitude, and then it usually also makes me feel more secure in a way since I am a natural introvert. But with something as powerful as 5-Meo-DMT, I wonder if it might not be best to do it under professional (or at least semi-professional) supervision... what do you think? (I bet that you probably addressed this somewhere around here already, but frankly I am just too damn lazy to dig through the archives ;))

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On 20.11.2019 at 9:55 PM, Bazooka Jesus said:

I vividly remember my fourth LSD trip (the first one outside of the comfort of my home) that took place in the middle of Tiergarten on a pretty chilly October evening... oh boy, what a crazy experience that was, heh! It also was the first time I ever took acid together with a friend of mine; I especially remember that, whenever I talked to him during the trip, I had this very clear notion that I am actually talking to myself the whole time, up to the point where I told him "Man, this is fucking ridiculous... why the hell do I even bother talking to you?! This 'dialogue' is nothing but a goddamn soliloquy!!" LOL

Sounds like a great trip. :-)

On 20.11.2019 at 9:55 PM, Bazooka Jesus said:

Btw, looking back on your own 5-Meo experiences, would you say that taking it alone by yourself and gradually increasing the dose with each time is definitely the way to do it or might it be a better idea to visit a facilitator and take a proper dose straight away?

Important question. Right now, I would actually discourage that ppl take 5-MeO or similar potent substances on their own. It's really risky in my opinion. Even if you are experienced with other psychedelics. IMO, the perfect setting would be a place that has a very relaxed vibe to it, you have one experienced guy that leads you through the experience, setting everything up etc and you have at least one other guy that is a doctor and could help if things get out of hand. If I had such a setting back when I did it, I would've felt way more relaxed and could've focused more on the experience. W/o help you are on your own and have to worry that a) you don't freak out and do crazy shit and b) you can handle the experience physically. 5-MeO for me had an intense body load + the feeling of dying really confuses you.

If you can't go to such a place, I'd prefer to have someone around that looks out for me and takes a passive role, just checking that all is good. If you can't / are not willing to do that, start slow and work your way up.

Cheers, Az


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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@Azrael  Cool, thanks for the advice ;)

13 minutes ago, Azrael said:

the feeling of dying really confuses you.

Hahaha, no shit! I am stil not sure if I am truly ready for that experience, but I guess there's only one way to find out, and that is actually doing it. (Enough people have told me by now that there aint no freaking way you could ever be ready for that experience anyway, soooo... yeah.)

I have smoked moderate doses of N'N DMT a couple of times but didn't enjoy it all that much - are there any people who genuinely enjoy smoking DMT anyhow? - mainly just because the visuals give me the willies; I definitely prefer LSD. But I hear that 5 Meo has very little visuals and is a completely different horse altogether, so I do hope that I'll get the chance to try it some time. I mean, every single one of us will experience the dissolution of their selves one day, ready or not, so why not meet it head on and catch a sneak peek, right?

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2 hours ago, Azrael said:

5-MeO for me had an intense body load + the feeling of dying really confuses you.

Luckily I found something more powerful that has low body load and feels delightful ;)


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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17 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Luckily I found something more powerful that has low body load and feels delightful ;)

Heard you talking about that in one of your videos (I think). I'm really interested in such a substance. It actually sounds a little bit too good tbh. No catch at all?


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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On 2019-11-22 at 7:07 PM, Azrael said:

Heard you talking about that in one of your videos (I think). I'm really interested in such a substance. It actually sounds a little bit too good tbh. No catch at all?

Probably Leo will tell later!

Azrael: I have read your great trip reports and I like to thank you! I am 71  years old and I'm extreemely impressed by your clarity and wisdom. I was really surprised you were said you were only 20 at the time you wrote your reports! I haven't used psykedelics exept LSD once 1972. However I got a glimp of a higher awareness "inside of me" while travelling half a year in India. I got the reslizations without psykedelica. After that experience in India  a strong intuition started (like I just knew without knowing why). Every morning when I woke up I understood so much about life. I saw the big picture how things are interconnected. Especially how the ego works in relation to the awareness.

This is why I was almost chocked when I found two yesrs ago that Leo said exactly what I had realized by "intuition" 2012 in India! Every morning before I forgot my realizations, I wrote down these insights. They were all connected with self love / lack of self love. I understood that lack of self love is the reason for our situation on the planet. which Leo just confirmed in one of his videos lately.  I am so happy to have everything I realized beeing confirmed by Leo and also by your experience from your trip reports. Finally: It is difficult not to have people around who understandt the value of these insights. Leo is doing a good job!

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On 11/22/2019 at 10:07 AM, Azrael said:

Heard you talking about that in one of your videos (I think). I'm really interested in such a substance. It actually sounds a little bit too good tbh. No catch at all?

No catch that I'm aware of. Your results may vary.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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On 11/27/2016 at 9:18 PM, Zane said:

YO MR. WHITE LET'S COOK SOME 5-MEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

@Zane ?

8x7ejndpoy811.jpg 

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@Azrael OMG!!! I would first like to please send my love after reading your trip report. Thank you so much for sharing it with us and the world, essentially. I know it was in 2016 (?) and it was....fascinating and eye opening to read.

I know it has been some time since and maybe it's hard to recall entirely but I was hoping I could maybe ask a few things and your opinion especially after 5Meo DMT?

* What does Godly love truly feel like? Is there anyway to describe it, somehow?

* Do you feel like Pantheism is "the truth" one can get from having a 5Meo DMT experience? 

* Do you have any insights on how the experience may help someone deal with Clinical Depression and or Suicidal thoughts?

Would love to hear your thoughts! 

Much Love & Light <3 <3 <3

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On 1/30/2020 at 6:34 AM, Shir said:

OMG!!! I would first like to please send my love after reading your trip report. Thank you so much for sharing it with us and the world, essentially.

Thanks, been a pleasure to share my word. :-)

On 1/30/2020 at 6:34 AM, Shir said:

* What does Godly love truly feel like? Is there anyway to describe it, somehow?

It isn't so much the feeling of the experience that makes it so unique but rather the change of viewpoint. It's like this: All normal experiences change what you perceive and that's it. 5-MeO shows you parts of the structure with which you perceive your normal stuff. It's like zooming out with a camera and being exposed to a much bigger picture after being lost in a tiny detail for years.

On 1/30/2020 at 6:34 AM, Shir said:

* Do you feel like Pantheism is "the truth" one can get from having a 5Meo DMT experience?

I think a really interesting question is this one: What if reality just happens and transforms by itself and the sole purpose of the mind is to self-deceive itself that this isn't the case so that God can experience how it feels to be lost and how it feels to overcome being lost.

After my awakening I had several contacts with what you would call a more "personalized" form of God, more like it is portrayed in Christian imagery. These contacts all included that he "God" gave something to me, so it wasn't just a feeling or something. And these contacts all included multiple instances of "God" interacting with me and also re-assuring me that it is not just luck or something.

So I don't really know what to believe xD and I don't really care. There a multiple levels of reality and understanding and your mind is way more powerful and skillful than you think. If you think that enlightenment is the end of the journey, I have to disappoint you. It's more like an invitation to the party. At least that is how it feels to me.

On 1/30/2020 at 6:34 AM, Shir said:

* Do you have any insights on how the experience may help someone deal with Clinical Depression and or Suicidal thoughts?

I do not think that 5-MeO is the right substance to treat illnesses like depression. If you want to use psychedelics for that, research mushrooms and ketamine. There is some research and practice with both these substances. Also, please always talk to a doctor and be reasonable with your actions. Depression "sometimes" can be cured by getting your life together like getting a better job, finding a girlfriend, having some friends, care for your family, have a life. "Sometimes" you should be depressed. Ofc, there are a lot of other cases as well.

Cheers, Az


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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On 21.11.2019 at 11:18 PM, Bazooka Jesus said:

I have smoked moderate doses of N'N DMT a couple of times but didn't enjoy it all that much - are there any people who genuinely enjoy smoking DMT anyhow? - mainly just because the visuals give me the willies;

It's the same for me at moderate doses. You have to smoke enough to breaktrough then it can be VERY enjoyable especially the visuals.


Paradise waits...

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On 2/2/2020 at 8:10 AM, Azrael said:

Thanks, been a pleasure to share my word. :-)

It isn't so much the feeling of the experience that makes it so unique but rather the change of viewpoint. It's like this: All normal experiences change what you perceive and that's it. 5-MeO shows you parts of the structure with which you perceive your normal stuff. It's like zooming out with a camera and being exposed to a much bigger picture after being lost in a tiny detail for years.

I think a really interesting question is this one: What if reality just happens and transforms by itself and the sole purpose of the mind is to self-deceive itself that this isn't the case so that God can experience how it feels to be lost and how it feels to overcome being lost.

After my awakening I had several contacts with what you would call a more "personalized" form of God, more like it is portrayed in Christian imagery. These contacts all included that he "God" gave something to me, so it wasn't just a feeling or something. And these contacts all included multiple instances of "God" interacting with me and also re-assuring me that it is not just luck or something.

So I don't really know what to believe xD and I don't really care. There a multiple levels of reality and understanding and your mind is way more powerful and skillful than you think. If you think that enlightenment is the end of the journey, I have to disappoint you. It's more like an invitation to the party. At least that is how it feels to me.

I do not think that 5-MeO is the right substance to treat illnesses like depression. If you want to use psychedelics for that, research mushrooms and ketamine. There is some research and practice with both these substances. Also, please always talk to a doctor and be reasonable with your actions. Depression "sometimes" can be cured by getting your life together like getting a better job, finding a girlfriend, having some friends, care for your family, have a life. "Sometimes" you should be depressed. Ofc, there are a lot of other cases as well.

Cheers, Az

You fucking rock! ??

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On 11/21/2019 at 7:09 PM, Leo Gura said:

Luckily I found something more powerful that has low body load and feels delightful ;)

Has @Leo Gura ever said what he was referencing? Thanks!

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On 26/11/2016 at 10:30 PM, Azrael said:

Well, to start off I will say that I actually don't want to write this post. Not because I don't want you to know about the experience I had and not because I'm lazy or something but any words I will use in this post just seem to me like a desperate attempt on trying to impress you, on trying to put something into words that simply cannot be put, on trying to give you any kind of a picture about it. It is in that respect useless to talk about it. And I feel very phony of doing so. Just because of the fact that if you read this post and think that Azrael had some kind of very far out experience and you make it into something great and unreachable and somehow away from you, you are kidding yourself. But I guess it can't be helped and I feel like I should at least try to point out what just happened. So see this as mere entertainment. And to the new ones, read my prior post first so that you can contrast the experiences.

+++ On Being A Pussy And Not Wanting To Do the 30mg +++

It's quite fascinating how confused we are in our normal state of egoic consciousness. And it's quite interesting how afraid we are. Even when you think you are not afraid and you are this tough guy, you're kidding yourself. Every bit of the attitude that you put up is rooted in a deep fear of being exposed. Of failing, of surrendering completely. You learned and embody this so throughly that you are all tensed up all of the time. And because this became so normal on a mere physiological level you actually think this muscular tension is you. It's quite incredible how ridiculous were are. And how well we play it.

But let's forget this point for a few more minutes and start with the story. How did all begin today? Well, it was a quite normal day here in Berlin, Germany. Azrael got up in the morning, ate some breakfast, took a shower, shaved his Zen-Master-looking beard and did his daily HoloSync meditation. What a great one it was. What I guess most of you who haven't done 5-MeO don't realize is that you'll start having flavors of the experience throughout your daily life. And especially in meditation. I recreated most of my last experience (the one in which I talk about our holographic nature). I meditated and saw my whole being flickering in this empty and endless space. I felt how when I move my attention I create that centralized space for that brief moment until it goes anywhere else. Quite fascinating.

As always on the weekends I took a walk after my meditation, bathed in the spaciousness I was still wearing and thought about the day. I had to prepare for a talk I will be giving next week so I did this most of the day. When I finished my work I did my daily visualization. I visualize daily what I did this day in a positive way and then I go through the next day and think about what I will do then in a positive way. I tend to be pretty analytical and negative, so my visualization keeps that in place and opens me up a lot.

When I was done doing that I laid on my bad and was just scared. I had thought the whole day that I wanted to do MeO after my work and now was the time. But I was paralyzed. Can I even physically stand the 30mg? Maybe I'm not prepared enough? Can I really surrender? I don't feel quite as confident today like I would want to feel before such an experience. You know the drill, my mind would be going bunkers. But this is normal. I asked several times inside whether I wanted to do this and my intuition was all for it. Like always. But my mind was very nervous and scared. It didn't want to die. And I respect that. Although I gotta say that the nervousness before the experience was harder then the actual surrendering in the experience. But we'll come to that in a few more moments.

So I basically re-watched Leo's video on 5-MeO-DMT, watched one in which Joe Rogan (the comedian) talks about it and I argued with myself all of the time whether I should be really doing it today. My mind came up with all kind of excuses to put it off for another week. But eventually I went inside again and my intuition really wanted my to do it now, so I did.

+++ The Experience: On Being God +++

So I sat down in front of my desk, played my common tripping music, prepared my couch with fresh water, a hanky and a plastic bag (for the case I had to throw up). Then I weighed 2 gram of Kola Nut powder on my fancy new scale, downed it with a little bit of water and weighed 30mg of 5-MeO-DMT. I waited a few more minutes until I felt the Kola Nut coming up and then I basically got on my knees and visualized that I'll have the most epic experience of my life and then I prayed that I can totally surrender into it. To whom did I pray? The fuck I don't know. Probably to myself, that I just give up the show and won't kill myself by resisting the experience. (I think it really did help.)

So yeah, I made two equal lines out of the gold and sniffed it into my nostrils. Man, just seeing 30mg of this and knowing what kind of experience you had with 15-20mg is very special. The whole act is a surrender. There is nothing easy about this - even though the most epic things follow. It's like you have a gun in front of you and you know that when you'll shoot yourself in the head you will be in heaven... but you gotta do the shooting first. It's like that.

So, I sniff it in and go to my couch, tilting the head upside down and massaging it into my nostrils. I waited 5 minutes until reality got really wanky. Then I sat up normal, opened myself up and tried to focus on love. I thought about a girl I loved once very much, I thought about her face when she laughed and how it completely melted me back then. Meanwhile my pulse was going through the rooftop and I had some difficulty thinking about her because my thoughts began to vanish. My head would be pumped with more and more clearness which felt pretty good and I was very comfortable in my body.

What happened then for the next 15-30 minutes I cannot put into words. I also will not scream with upper letters "OH MY GOD" or "I AM IT" or something like that, because I didn't feel any of this in these moments. I didn't say a word. I had a few thoughts but they were kind of arbitrary. I was completely in shock. Completely speechless. But not in a kind of hectic shock, I was very well relaxed and relieved while I was in this state. It didn't even occurred to me that I'm in shock or speechless until 30 minutes later when I slowly came back and began to understand what just happened.

Every picture I had about it prior to the experience was wrong. You can just not fathom with egoic consciousness what it is that underlies everything. I had no pretty visuals or something like that. I saw very clearly and when I closed my eyes for a moment I guess I saw some patterns, but I didn't pay much attention. I just was it. Everything and nothing. But it wasn't special in any kind of way. It began to be special when I came back and my individual tried to make sense out of it. But in the moment itself, it was completely obvious. It was completely eternal and when I felt my body here and there I just would feel so relieved and speechless. At some point I held my glass of water in my hands and I starred at it for probably 5 minutes without closing my eyes. The whole reality, every sense that I had seemed like a shell you could cut. It was also extremely still. Completely eternal. I had no idea what this word really means. In the peak of the experience it wasn't even explosive or something. When I got from normal egoic consciousness to the state I'm describing, the very transition can be quite explosive although the Kola Nut did a great job in making that a very smooth one, but the experience itself is completely still. It isn't even an experience or state. If you have to think about it, think about it like you peel endless patterns of your normal reality away until there is this one core thing left.. and you are this. God. Complete infinity. It's completely indescribable.

Well, I peaked for about 20 minutes and then slowly I began to understand what just happened and then as I said I just was speechless for a good half hour. I just sat there. I had not much thoughts about it, a few maybe but I was just shocked and speechless. Then at some point when I came down I began to cook and make myself a salad. I did this for a few moments and then just had to sit down again and just cried like a little boy for a god 5 minutes straight. I just couldn't believe what I had done to myself for my entire life and what kind of nasty game I played with myself. I just saw it before my eyes and couldn't believe it.

+++ The Beginning Of The End +++

In the last few hours I had some thoughts coming up that resulted from the experience and seemed pretty authentic to me.

You will never die. This is I guess the one thing I learned. You will never die. Don't be afraid of death (and I know this is easier said then done) but just think back. You as an individual were birthed into this live by magic. This whole existence is magic and there is nothing else then pure love. There never was a moment in your eternal existence in which you really had to fear anything. What shall there be? When you open your eyes you create a whole visual field of reality. You are all of that. When you hear with your ears your create a whole auditory space with your sense of 3D hearing. When you think thoughts you create endless parallel realities in your head that have their own reality. When you go sleep at night you can trust yourself to wake up in the morning. When you go you can trust your legs to carry you around. When you go about your day everything you do comes naturally to you. There is not a thing that is not supportive and loving to you. You just like to spin stories that this is the case and you love to identify with it.

If you really wanna see this this right now, just stop believing your own bullshit. When you drop all thought and belief, you are eternity. You are it. Before you lived you were formless and rested in peace. When you were born you decided to play a game called life to experience this material reality. When you die you let this reality dissolve again and will probably rest for some eternal time and then play some new games. Don't be afraid. It's all good. All of your problems have no value at all. Your negative emotions? Yeah so what, there was no time in your life when you couldn't stand those. It's the nature of negative emotions to be negative and it's your nature as God to provide the space for them to occur. It's the nature of the positive to feel good and create a negative that will come at another time again. If you're attached to this, it's okay. Just say to yourself that you're not believing your own bullshit. And keep up your quest. Time will show this to you.

If I had to put all of this in simple words, I would just say that I'm speechless and relieved. Relieved from the nasty game I played with myself. And even though I know that it'll slowly come come back and grab me again, I know that in the next few months I will go even so much deeper with these experiences that it'll just crack like a shell and will naturally fall off. Nothing else makes sense.

Be good to yourself. And be well.

Cheers, Azrael

Great trip report.  I would love to try DMT, but the legalities in my country (UK) are stopping me.  It's 7 years for possession, life  for supply. ?

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On 30.4.2021 at 2:27 AM, CreativeMind said:

Great trip report.  I would love to try DMT, but the legalities in my country (UK) are stopping me.  It's 7 years for possession, life  for supply. ?

Maybe it's worth to take a trip into another country then ...


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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@Azrael hey long time not heard from you. Would be great to hear an update how your life, Spiritual progress and so on is going on. You were one of the first in this forum who had an 5 meo breakthrough 

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I'm so glad one of the OG's of this forum has returned lol, feeling very nostalgic rn

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