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  1. First off, A huge THANK YOU to Leo Gura for his fantastic content. I've been an avid follower for YEARS and just finished the vid "What Is Reality? - A Radical Explanation" and I am blown away. Practically almost speechless. One of his best works yet imo, in the Spiritual realm of his content. However, there was something said there that deeply troubles me to my core...on a very existential level. I realize that I don't "have to" feel this way and that other people may look at the same thing in a more optimistic manner but maybe as someone that suffers from Depression, I just cannot help it. Leo mentions that "you are God and there is nothing but God and you are all alone". That last part really gets me and makes me tear up. As a fellow Pantheist or at least someone that's been very interested in Pantheism - the notion that there is nothing but God, is something I have heard before (everything is God and thus there is nothing but God) - It seems like the very essence of Pantheism. But, as much as it's "natural" to then say "you are all alone"...something about it doesn't sit right with me. It fills me with deep sadness and an over whelming sense of dread and absolute depression. On the other hand, if the Divine is all alone and incarnates into souls...and people fall in love, it seems like God falls in love with himself and thus...feels less alone in existence? That's what I've tried coming up with. I would love to hear your thoughts. Leo mentions afterwards that once someone realizes this, that they're all alone - that they cannot come to him for help or comfort because that's like coming to yourself. Which I understand but it saddens me so. On the other hand, he continues to say that at that point you are left to bask in yourself and the beauty of it all; which is also awe inspiring. Please let me know your thoughts, and how can I feel better about this? Thank You kindly <3
  2. Hey Everyone, I would really be grateful and appreciate your opinion on my issue and this topic as I've come to realize it actually deeply and painfully - bothers me. I'll try my best to keep this as short as can be. Long story short, I've come to FEEL and REALIZE how negative my feelings have become towards the notion of romantic relationships and children (the "so forth" part). For reference sake, I'm a 27 year old young Lady, a virgin, never been in a relationship (but have fallen in love a few times, you could say). The reason I have never been in a romantic relationship is a combination of a few factors - where I was in my life (school ect), my emotional state (not feeling ready nor wanting it), chance (never happened), getting dumped before things could flourish ect. I'm fine with that. I wouldn't have it any other way (basically, not begging for a relationship even if I could go back in time so to speak). The thing is, I've been single so long that...I've become used to it. Being in a relationship would feel bizarre to me at this point. I don't think I really want it anymore, especially for how I feel towards it. Sure, when I was younger all I could fantasize was being feminine, getting all glamed up for a date and feeling nice ect but today that spark has kind of died off in me. It would feel more like a chore. I'm also tired of trying to prove my worth to men - also fucking tired of saying no to sex, no to everything I don't feel I want. Everyone seems to want everything out of you, without seeing that you're drained. And, these days despite being single...I look (innocently!) at other ppl and actually feel anxiety for them and actual emotional pain and the very thought of me "pondering" about being in a relationship (as if I were them for a second or two). It feels even worse when they're a couple with kids - it's not the kids fault, I just feel very negative and depressed towards that thought of "oh, what if I had kids too?" - very anxiety inducing and literally makes me feel suicidal just from the thought of it. Which is crazy but that's how I honestly feel. I KNOW I wasn't this type of woman all my life prior and I am honestly shocked at what has become of me emotionally. I would never in a million years picture myself feeling this depressed and suicidal over the simple notion of "being in a relationship", "being pregnant" or even "having kids". The very thought makes me feel trapped, suffocated and wanted to escape from it all... Even the thought of being pregnant, makes me want to cry on the spot because it doesn't bring my joy and actually induces the opposite in me - sadness. I know you must think "well, what's the problem then? you're not in either situations so calm down". That's the thing though. I don't feel like this is a phase either but rather like this doomed feeling where it's going to last forever (these negative feelings I hold). And since it's like this...I feel less of a person. Less of a woman. It's honestly very, very alienating and I have never come across someone like myself personally. Because even women whom do NOT have kids - still seem to hold down successful and happy relationships & marriages but yet I feel like even the prospect of that seems slim to zero with myself, because of the feelings I feel towards even just THAT, alone. I just honestly feel like, even if I PUSH myself to date, I would take everything as a chore at this point in my life, rather than enjoy myself like everyone else seems to - it's not fair to the other person either, I know. I feel like they deserve someone who much better than I anyway. I'd just sit there, wait for time to pass by, sigh and just want to go home. That's honestly how I feel even hanging out with friends - it sadly gives me little to no joy anymore. At this point, even if let's say I do as I said - push myself to date - and somehow find someone, I STILL already from this moment, feel like I'd literally lie next to them in bed, just sobbing inside of how alone I feel in all of existence. Despite literally physically laying right next to another human. I wish I could explain this deeper but it's a horrible and painful feeling of loneliness on a whole other existential level. From all of this, I just feel like...what's the point really? So no dating for me, no romantic relationships, no marriage, no all feels bleak. I could try and have a career (which I'm studying for and it's not going well as I'd hoped and there is no one more disappointed than myself with myself for it, a large part of my depression already stems from that alone) but...that's it? There are days where I just want to drop all of my studies and say fuck it all but then I feel like there's nothing left for me anymore. For real? what should one hope for at this point? I can't seem to find anything.. I would like to add that I do suffer from Depression and suicidal thoughts and am in Therapy for almost 2 years now but I feel absolutely miserable and just when I thought maybe things are better I am just overwhelmed with these negative thoughts and feel utterly consumed by the sheer hopelessness of it all. I keep feeling "what's the point?" and then I get to " I don't FEEL the point" no matter how many times I try and intellectualize "the point". PLEASE help me.
  3. @GromHellScream Thank you for the positive vibes and reassurance - I think maybe me over thinking it is mainly due to stress AS a woman and seeing myself getting older and trying to figure myself out "in time" what with the biological clock and shady men lol. Thanks for making me feel like I shouldn't take things too hard !
  4. @GromHellScream Oh lol! My apologies, I didn't get you right on the first go opps You're right...I've realized recently within myself that I have too much going on to be concentrating on a possible "marriage" relationship and kids lol. I can barely do school as it is. And so, I've realized that it's better to hold it off yeah... It's just funny to me in a way where I cannot see how others make do? Like where is the energy coming from?! idk I get these moments where I just go "wow, how do others manage to cope and DO life" lol.
  5. @RawJudah Oh! Of course - I completely agree that marriage will not fix all of one's problems...for sure. If you told me this when I was way younger, I would for sure have fallen into that trap. Today I know that 1 + 1 = 3 and not 2 because 2 whole people should come into a relationship and together make a new identity and not that 2 people who are half's that "complete each other". I mean...good question. I know some people who literally never care to get married and live a relationship type of "marriage" without ever getting married (living together, kids, long term commitment ect)...others get married for religious purposes ect. Me? well...I'd rather get married out of respect (someone wanting me THAT "much" - the same way I'd want them). I'm not one for huge weddings nor a huge ring either...super humble in that regards. Something about being called a wife and belonging to a husband...I see the appeal even as a non-religious person.
  6. @GromHellScream Thank you for your honesty
  7. @denydritz Hey there!! Thank you kindly for you reply - I sincerely really appreciate it! <333 In all honestly, from all the work I've been trying to do in Therapy...I THINK my anxiety about getting married and having kids (or rather also just marriage alone if kids weren't in that realm) - is because I never really felt like I had a positive relationship role model in my life, like my parents marriage seems very stressful to me tbh. I know it's them and it's their thing but it has impacted me immensely. I have personally never been in a real relationship (although have fallen in love and had heartbreaks) so trauma in regards to myself hmm..cannot say I recall. I completely agree with you that it's best to come into a relationship as healthy as possible, mentally and emotionally. At this point, men cannot seem to understand why I keep pushing them away because of my mental health - this might sound weird but I'm grateful for it. I cannot deal with it, sadly. So yeah...I think I get anxious about the idea of marriage and kids because of the relationship nature of the marriage of my parents essentially. I realize that MY marriage shouldn't be a reflection of that or is going to be that but it stresses me out SO much. Even typing it out hurts me heart because I could NEVER deal with that type of stressful relationship and emotional abuse.
  8. @mandyjw Hey there! <3 I would like to first give thanks for your awesome reply - I appreciate it! Thank you kindly. You're right...I basically should try and grow the realm of things I love to do that essentially give me joy - instead of focusing on things like relationships that seem to trouble me. I think me being depressed...I cannot help but ruminate over these feelings because I'm someone that feels like I need something to look forward to as silly as that might sound. I cannot do things "just because" anymore - I USED to feel really passionate about the possibility of "one day" enjoying, being - in a relationship ect...but since then, things have changed. Other than University and trying to build a career...everything else seems so hard and sadly, feeling wise...I kind of don't see the point anymore, so it saddens me to feel that way you know? So other than school and trying to build a dream career which is failing...sadly, I wouldn't say I have something to look forward to no I mean, even being in school makes me want to off myself to be honest, which is sad to admit. And thank you for your book recommendation!!! I LOVE EARHART TOLLE! I will admit that I read his work went I was young (18-19) and I realize that TODAY I am way more mature and can honestly try and see his point of view better - thank you for reminding me to re-read his books...much overdue giving my current mental state. Thank You. I find it really interested that you mentioned the pain body in regards to us women and kids - I am fascinated as I had no idea it can encompass that realm and for sure will try and research it! Thank you kindly.
  9. Hey Everyone So...long story short, I've felt the need to share and ask a few questions in regards to marriage/love and essentially mental health. For reference sake, I've never been married nor have I personally been in a relationship (half by choice and other half because things didn't work out). 26 years old. Not religious at all, just spiritual. As a woman, I've grown up to feel like Marriage is the pivotal accomplishment to a women's life in terms of a love life (aside from children ect) (NOT SAYING FOR EVERYONE JUST IN GENERAL!) Today, I can see how stressed out some women are in order to get married and to be asked by their bf or significant others. All my life, I've felt pretty warm-neutral about it and knew I wanted to get married one day. However, the more I think about it...something about "being married" and actively dating - stresses me out. Like to the point of the thought of being married and having kids - literally makes me feel stressed out and gives me anxiety and uneasiness...isn't that crazy? I KNOW people are going to say you don't have to get married. Marriage isn't the be all and end all, and that many couples never get married and are happy. Also, I know that not ALL married couples are happy and that we don't really know what happens behind closed doors. I totally get that, of course. I have no idea why I have become this way because I don't want to feel negatively about marriage...I think it can be a beautiful thing but something about it, for the past year or so, has left me feeling almost sad and and feeling suffocated emotionally when ever I think about it. I have moments where I see couples (that I know) get engaged, and I cannot feel genuinely happy for them; of course I never say anything about it - it's just an internal feeling. Also, I have moments where the very thought of sleeping next to someone, like in married life, makes me feel anxiety. I know these seem to be really out there-in-the-future thoughts but it really concerns me because...I feel so alienated by having those feelings. I have never heard anyone express such feelings. I see everyone so excited about marriage and happy with their partners and me being single for literally almost 27 years now - I feel different from everyone else because I have gotten SO used to being single, that being taken seems like...a burden to me. I know relationships take work, commitment, love and dedication but even the very thought of being in one - makes me feel suffocated, emotionally. I feel less of a woman for having all these feelings that I have mentioned above AND less of a person. Because, I see everyone else is searching for love and that WHOLE entire journey for me makes me feel a certain way. A negative way. It doesn't excite me yet I feel that loss of being so different in society. I know I'm not in a place, Mental Health wise, to be in a relationship but it makes me feel hesitant to ever be in one in general because of THESE feelings that I hold. Because these aren't "moment" feelings - this is how I feel literally all the time now. I know I don't "have to be" in a relationship in general if I don't want to but imagine feeling like you want to for 25 plus years and suddenly those feelings turn essentially 180 and sour. It's very odd. On the flip side, I know I'm in love with someone whom is taken and happily married - I think every time he fondly mentions his wife, I get pretty jealous and think how lovely it would be to be a wife and so I am so divided within myself. I know it isn't really his fault and I take full responsibly for my feelings but feeling the way I do about him, it really just makes me feel like I'm breaking my own heart. I am not in place where I can not have him in my life as he and I have a Therapeutic nature of a relationship and so it hurts but it is what it is. He really is the only man that excites me emotionally, spiritually and makes me believe in marriage so to speak. He gives me butterflies. And, funny enough - I have also being feeling the same negative feeling about marriage & love - on the topic of kids. The very thought of having kids makes me feel suffocated, gives me sadness and makes me feel trapped. I totally realize and understand that children are a blessing and being a virgin this has nothing to do with me at this point but I cannot help but feel the emotional weight of these thoughts & feelings. Like marriage, I KNOW I don't have to have kids however it's the same case as above - 25 plus years of feeling neutral-warm about the idea of kids and bam...a whole 180 into a negative feeling vibe about them. All in all, what I'm trying to say is...I don't know what one can look forward to if the idea of Marriage, love and kids seems to induce negative feelings and emotions and maybe it's my depression speaking but I also feel like "what's the point" to it all, in a sense. I would love & appreciate hearing your thoughts! Thank you kindly. <333
  10. Glad I'm not alone then thank you..
  11. @Hellspeed Are you saying that malnourishment is literally the cause of a woman emotionally feeling that she doens't want kids?...I mean, I really resonate with the Depression part and that personally hinders my thoughts towards kids in a negative way, but the way you phrased is was like, if the women is healthy then she would NOT not want kids. Am I getting it right?
  12. Whoaa!! Those are some VERY powerful question. I appreciate you sharing this advice with us. <3 I was curious on your thoughts - If I personally answered "No" to the 1st question and "Trapped" with the 2nd question...does that mean I really don't want kids? Gosh I was pretty shocked with my honest answers because I grew up THINKING I wanted kids but here you go... Would love to hear what you think! @flowboy
  13. @universe First off - Thank You kindly for your comment! I appreciate it <3 Very much food for thought. You're right though, if it's a needy person (the guy smothering me with the "love" calling me his future Wife and making plans for us when I don't want that) or if it's a set up I'm less than interested wonder it burdens me. Makes so much sense haha. I just couldn't put it into words opps. And the "Do you feel like you deserve to be loved?" Gosh...that's a heavy question. I realize we all deserve to be loved but deep down? I don't feel like I deserve it because I was always made to feel less then and 26 years of that - it really saddens your soul tbh. I don't feel good enough, I'm woman enough to admit that - if it means anything. I understand that we're all "enough" the way we are and believe me I'd be the first person to say that to the next Lady or Man but deep down I know I'm in pain and do not feel enough. Thank you for letting me feel the way I do. I really do not want a relationship right now - you're right, I should honor that feeling and not push it just to follow the norms of society. I try to put on a mask on the daily that I'm okay (because of school and friends) but deep down I'm devastated and fight the tears on my way to the toilets even on a break, in between classes. Once I do take off the mask, no one knows what to say and they're lost for words in trying to deal with a suicidal person like myself. That's what kills me inside. No one really knows what to say and I'm left with "I don't know what to tell you"... So yeah
  14. Hey Everyone! So, I will admit that this is a little similar to my last post but I've had time to think about things and would love to actually better verbalize myself this time around in order to ask the bigger questions that are weighing on my heart and have been for a long while now. For example I get that NOT all women need to have children or want to and that's okay! (I'm going thorugh that confsuion right now myself and it's hard) but literally no one really talks about what to do, as a woman, when you've suddenly (or not) lost the desire to have Romantic Relationships/strive to get married? I'm 26, a virgin and tbh never had a bf. Recently, I've given up on it after years or pain and rejections ect. The moment I gave up on it...I found some peace in being single. For the first time in my life and I felt grateful to be single. It was magical, because I could suddenly 'step outside" of myself (in a sense) and see the whole situation of us as ppl (trying to have a love life) as this giant crazy "rat race" where everyone is desperately seeking the love they're begging for and wanting their needs fulfilled in full ect and everything that goes around with that. I'm not saying it's bad. It just is. I just saw it as soo stressful and emotionally draining all of a sudden. Then, funny enough...the moment "I gave up" the idea of a love life - things started popping up. I got flirted with/hit in in person and I never saw it coming (mind you, rarely happens if ever at all!) and I was extremely flattered but...uncomfortable nonetheless (unprepared, knew I didn't want a relationship from the get to). Then, I was smothered with love by this other gentleman who REALLY wants a relationship with me and it was too much for me and I cannot shake him off ever since. Then, my Lady friend woke up this one day literally 3 days ago and really wanted to match me with a man who she thinks is amazing and totally up my alley (sounds like an awesome man). Apparently he's interested in me. And me? I does nothing for me. Idk what to think anymore. EVERYTHING about a love life or a relationship right now feels like a burden...on my soul. Yeah, that deep. On the other hand, I don't even want to try at all...I don't want to waste ppl's time (even though I do adore the attention in general - sorry, still a woman). At this point...I don't know what to think. Is there something wrong with me? I KNOW for a fact that I'm not asexual whatsoever nor am I aromantic. I actually do feel strongly attracted to men and have those romantic desires inside in general (like wanted to be intimate physically, emotionally, and everything in between) but now it's like the WHOLE desire as a whole just...died? So hard to articulate it into words. I will admit that I do suffer from Depression and it has taken a toll on many things for me, including wanting to be secluded from people. It's okay though because I know that's what I want to do. I have no patience nor any desire for a social life either at this point too (even though I am very friendly and civil with everyone). I realize ppl may think "this is just a phase" you're going through right now, what with your depression BUT in all honestly, I'm scared because it doesn't feel like a feels like who I "really am" and that scares me. All my life I thought I was this deep romantic person that really wanted a bf/partner and now when the possibilities DO arise...I run for the hills! Isn't that crazy? I used to be sooo excited of the idea to even date or go on a date (never have before) - literally be really excited on the possibility of dolling up and getting to meet someone I may be interested in and all of that right now seems like such a burden to me and would feel like nothing more than a chore I just want to get over with. I sincerely do not want to feel this way nor do I think it's healthy to. Dating should at least be fun and exciting and I cannot even see that right now as such. I will admit I do feel in love right now with someone whom I know I have absolutely no chance with whatsoever (not a celeb of course, just someone I see professionally) and maybe that's weighing on my heart as well because I've realized they're the closest man I've ever encountered to "the perfect guy" I've always wanted as an adult and I think that's saying a lot. Obviously, they do not know I'm in love with them (at least, not that I realized) and's embarrassing. He makes my heart flutter and I even doll up when I get the chance to meet them and they mean a lot to me. Which is saying a lot when you're super depressed and suicidal all the time. I just WISH there was something to be said about the topic about how to deal with lost desires for a romantic relationship in life because in all honesty, ppl nowadays talk about a life without kids and they're okay because they at least have a partner but in my situation it's like...well, no kids and no partner...WHAT DO YOU DO HERE?! I just wanted to add that, never in a million years did I ever think I would end up in this situation. It shatters my heart and eats me up inside and I wish there were the perfect words to express that right now but I can only hope that ppl may understand me and the pain in between my words. I feel so different because of this. Even when I fell in love twice before and got heartbroken, I never felt like this (the lost desire for love and a romantic relationship). It makes me feel like less of a person. Less of a woman. It's gotten to a point where I don't even know how to express to man that I just...cannot do it. I cannot do a relationship and it hurts because I see myself being that woman that's lying next to a man in bed and although I'm physically close to them, I feel alone in all existence and I'd just cry in the dark, fighting for the will to live. It feels that deep and that painful to be honest. I know that relationships aren't the be all and end all of life but I cannot deny the fact that I feel so different to everyone else right now because of this situation. Maybe suffering from depression sharpens your pain but it's hard to see what a person can live for if they're not able to be in a meaningful relationship, they don't have kids and their dream career is crumbling even before it's taken off? Would LOVE AND APPRECIATE your thoughts! Thank you kindly. <3 P.S - I sincerely apologize for the LONGG post however the heart was heavy