Feeling too overwhelmed with thinking about a woman

[Applegarden]

Let me tell you a story and ask for you advice:

Guys, i have a confession to make. I never tought somebody will have such a subtle impact on my life. I have had my fantasies, immaginations curiosities about other people (women) in my life, however this one is really the strongest of them all. It always has been going on for years literally. It started sometime 2017 and is reocurring until this day. I was one day looking trough the people whom i remembered went to my school and i saw one girl i remembered is playing piano. And i tought hmm, she plays music and has grown well, cool, i really resonate with that, altho i don't speak the timbers of piano and that language is not so attractive to me as i really like distorted metal guitar sounds, you know. Then i started to google her name (starts with K) from time to time, i guess i was bored or smth... Of course she is very attractive and all that. And i kinda wanted to write her, but i didn't know what would i write. So i wrote her asking do you know any teahcers that could coach me with my guitar playing and compostion? And of course, she ignored. Then i tried to write again some time later (after a whie), same reaction.

I got somewhat upset at being rejected, as expected, you know. And i guess it's fine. I feel complete now however, i don't really care if she did not respond. But for some reason this attachment is there, for over 2 years. Thoughts are coming up about her, desire to peek into her life comes up. Honestly I don't want any of that. It's not like i can't deal with my monkey mind with meditation, but i am wondering why is it two years of toughts coming up about her.

I wan't to proceed and do a tought experiment with this. Now...

Scenario 1;

Suppose i am getting toughts about her and sometimes randomly a picture of her pops up in my mind. Lets hypotetically assume that she is thinking about me. Of all people, why me? There is really nothing much going for me at the moment. I live with my mom, i have a bit of bank balance, work in a blue collar work, don't have a car, haven't had a girlfriend, lacking a purpose in life but exploring it. Musically speaking i am close to nothing compared to her in terms of formal education. Its her job and honestly, good for her, really. But it has brought an envious vibe, especially after she ignored me, i really got jelous that she is supposedly doing what she wants, not only that, she is very beautiful and alot of visible qualities that just about any millenial would want. It almost gives me the impression she is on top on her life and i feel so lost. About that, i know, nobody is really happy no matter what they have unless they are actively purifying themselves, but thats a different topic altogether...

So she could be thinking about me, now what? It could be my own constructed delusion. Or even if its my intuition speaking, there is no practical outcome for conversation, because i got ignored, right. Best case outcome, she is peeking at me while i am peeking at her. Still there is nothing valuabe to this.

Scenario 2;

She could have some craving for me in an intimate or non-intimate way.

She has a ring on it firstly, and she has so somebody so much better probably, it is comical to me why she would be attracted to me and i don't want to entertain this notion. And speaking about me, yes i do feel secure, but i am not too pretty and not very hygenical. But don't mind how i look i guess. I am not good at male-female interaction, but i guess i do have my character. And i am not experienced in any intimacy, let alone, a physical one. So i don't think i am desirabe in societies standards, i am almost like the opposite, more like an outcast and comformist type of person. I don't have huge material success or image and no social life really, which is okay for me. But regardless, lets suppose that we meet somehow and something happens. There is just nothing good that would happen except a friendship. Sure, i mean its ok, but why do i have to project so much deluson or lust towards her? Why is this important that toughts of her come up daily? I even see her in my dreams. Usually talking, and then she randomly decided to leave the conversation. Sometimes i get strong lust for her and some fantasies come up; honestly i don't think i want to experience that. But you know the human vehicle is pretty irrational and i guess its ok, i can take care of it just fine.

Scenario 3

It is all my own delusion. OK, good, but why am i deluding myself so much? Whats the point, It is affecting my productivity and creativity. Honestly i just want to forget about her and avoid her at all cost, not even googling her when the intention comes, so it loses power over me. Sometimes it becomes really tense that i feel unable to do anything but to sit and reflect on it so it goes away. Maybe i am just at the peak of my libido, since i am doing nofap.  I don't think i could last long also btw. And i don't think i would be good in bed.

I guess i will just wait for it to end and keep turning my focus on something else.

I feel like need for validation is responsible for this or wanting to be desired. Usually thats our reaction to stress - wanting to be desired and wanting to be sexually desired especially. I am sure i will find a way to solve this in the future, because there are intrinsic experiences that outcompare any tought or feeling, so its not like this is torturing me.

Okay so, whats the solution? You will probably say:

Go out and meet more people;

Chord cutting;

Meditate more;

Create a life purpose and sink yourself into that;

Change your eating habits;

Do pick-up;

Unclutch and ignore, until it loses power over you;

Exercise and release that energy;

Don't overthink about it;

Or something else you want to suggest...

So my love life is like an empty closet and there is not much i would like to change about it for now; But what is my mating strategy if i need one?

I don't think i want a spouse at all, however if i feel like i have to, i will just keep working on my life purpose and keep enhancing my life. Life purpose meaning - really working on few music skills and composing and producing some cool mateial and going to jams with people, maybe finding a band, or finding a musical spouse. I feel personally there are aot of benefits in my life for that. And i am sure there are some people out there like that, i just need to keep practicing and expressing so i attract these people. Something like that i guess.

What do you think about this? What would you suggest?

It would kinda suck a bit if she found out about this, but i guess fuck it, vulerability is strength and i hope this falls of me one day.

 

 

[Thestarguitarist14]

@Applegarden You need to start practicing some self love.

[JohnD]

Your honesty will serve your self development well. Careful with being too honest with the outside world, there seems to be a balance to be found between speaking truth and staying connected to others.

You're not alone. The psyche is designed to do this under certain developmental circumstances, and tons of people have had similar experiences. From a Jungian perspective, it seems you're struggling with 'Anima projection'. Doesn't sound too helpful, so I'll explain:

The 'Anima' is the feminine counterpart within the male psyche.

'Projection' is when we see a part of ourself in someone else because we're unable or unwilling to see this part within yourself.

Sounds like your feminine counterpart is trying to break through into consciousness and is seeking the most viable person in your life to project this onto.

A practical and powerful exercise would be visualizing a conversation between these two parts. This opens an inner dialogue, and these parts begin to integrate and 'discover' each-other, just like a dialogue with someone in the real world.

[hamedsf]

thinking about women/certain woman too much or prioritizing relationship with women as the first purpose before anything else is repellent. create a life style for yourself (as you have mentioned) and stick with that, bring a good vibe and all good things into your life.

[Applegarden]

19 hours ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

@Applegarden You need to start practicing some self love.

Yes, i would agree with you, i always do have this pattern of seeking validation from a very early age.

18 hours ago, JohnD said:

 

Sounds like your feminine counterpart is trying to break through into consciousness and is seeking the most viable person in your life to project this onto.

A practical and powerful exercise would be visualizing a conversation between these two parts. This opens an inner dialogue, and these parts begin to integrate and 'discover' each-other, just like a dialogue with someone in the real world.

I seem to be very interested in this exercise. Let me inquire about it more, but i don't think i get it yet.

 

4 hours ago, hamedsf said:

thinking about women/certain woman too much or prioritizing relationship with women as the first purpose before anything else is repellent. create a life style for yourself (as you have mentioned) and stick with that, bring a good vibe and all good things into your life.

I would agree with prioritizing in a sense that i am choosing to give meaning and entertain these desires and dreams/toughts, but i don't prioritize that practically speaking, as i am going the opposite direction acctually.

[evgn]

OMG man i think i know what you are going though now. I have similiar experiance with women but for 6 months. 

There is no day that i dont thing about her and not just thinking its thinking about her most of the day its so frustrating and overwhelming..

[Applegarden]

On 2020.09.21. at 8:52 PM, evgn said:

OMG man i think i know what you are going though now. I have similiar experiance with women but for 6 months. 

There is no day that i dont thing about her and not just thinking its thinking about her most of the day its so frustrating and overwhelming..

Yeah, but i feel i will make this irrevelant as i am continuning my journey onwards. It is just weird how it comes up and continunes all this time. A solution to this is just whenever a tought of her is coming up i just focus on something else like how would i like my life to be or switch to questioning the nature of reality or somehow sleeping it off just noticing that its there and not really reacting to it.

[Byun Sean]

happened to me too. Don't resist the thoughts when they come up. Simply observe.

Just keep working on yourself and keep meditating and one day you'll be free from the lustful needy thought for her.

 

Meditation or other spiritual exercises when done properly, increase our amount of Self-Love which is vital for self esteem and eliminating neediness.

[Applegarden]

6 hours ago, Byun Sean said:

happened to me too. Don't resist the thoughts when they come up. Simply observe.

Just keep working on yourself and keep meditating and one day you'll be free from the lustful needy thought for her.

 

Meditation or other spiritual exercises when done properly, increase our amount of Self-Love which is vital for self esteem and eliminating neediness.

Thanks, i will keep presisting, The big problem was that she is a musician. And it kinda makes me identify putting my musical stuff out in hopes that i would impress her or smth. So that affects my creativity. Also some resentment comes because i wish i went to a music school because i do have that capacity to be involved in music but i have procrastinated alot of time in my life and she seems to get where she wants in life while so many people, including me don't get that chance. Sure she probably worked hard for it, however its with lessons, mentorship that i wish i had. Idk, feels weird, and the fact that she ignored me. Ofc course no hard feelings, its ok i guess, but i shuldn't waste time on people who just ignored me. Doesn't matter if she wanted to talk or is feeling welcoming, still i got ignored, so i have to let go and honestly i don't want to meet this person or to talk about anything. I wish the best success in her life tho.

[Origins]

Scenario 3 is statistically the most common, sorry man.

If she's into you something would have happened because in the wild thousands of years ago we didn't have that time to screw around. If you've given a clear open signal and she's ignored when the plain was open for her, you most likely got rejected. The brain creates phantoms to chase as, when at least one reason, a coping mechanism for the unknown we can't yet explain until we can. It's the same reason people become conspiracy theorists, you're doing the same kind of conspiratizing as they.

You're not alone in the world though, this happens probably a thousand times a second all over the world because of how much sex/love/attachment is tied into our DNA. 

Integrate your inner life and your outer life will become a boundaried one, don't integrate your inner life and your outer life will be much more easily taken for granted. 

 

Edited October 8, 2020 by Origins

[Username]

I experiences something very similar but it's 4 years now :9 It was unbearable at times. I thought that she might be perfect only in my imagination. I had to verify that so I contacted her.. and the worst part: she really is. Even though I was never rejected by her (it was the opposite!) it's still painful.

I guess in your case it's not just imagination or one sided thing.

[Leo Gura]

Go out and meet more girls. Simple.

You are drowning in a funk of inaction.

Design your life so that it is so full of meaning that losing a girl does not take anything away. Whether the girl is there or not, your life should be awesome either way.

[Gesundheit]

On 20/09/2020 at 1:37 PM, Applegarden said:

What do you think about this?

You have a lot of self-image problems. You don't love or value yourself. And of course, you deserve what you're experiencing.

[mandyjw]

I have had obsessive thoughts like that about people, especially when I was younger. The common thread that I discovered is that there is something in them that I really want to embody myself. The materialistic world view makes us immediately assume we want a relationship with them, but that's not usually the case at all. Open your mind. Release the attachment by truly owning it, and seeing what these thoughts and feelings are pointing you towards discovering in yourself. It also helps to pay attention to your dreams because your dreams, and the things and people you're drawn to in real life work in the same way to point you towards what you really want. 

[Proserpina]

@Gesundheit I wouldn't be too quick to assume.  One of the prerequisites of sublime gaze is being meek almost to a fault.  

What if they knew what they were doing? Even if they appeared pitiful and unattractive. 

[mandyjw]

@Proserpina what's sublime gaze? 

[Proserpina]

6 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@Proserpina what's sublime gaze? 

It's like a genie. 

It's a gaze that can heal and change.  But remains hidden. 

[evgn]

I was very obssesed with one girl for 4 months straight. I was thinking about her everyday,everyminute. 

I made investigation in mysefl to see why is that that i am so obssesed with that girl even though she didnt care about me at all. She sometimes just flirted with me a little bit just to keep me hooked.

I realized that i am drawn to girls who dont care about me, i suppose that i hate myself to certain extend there is healing that has to be done.

 

[Proserpina]

1 hour ago, Proserpina said:

It's like a genie. 

It's a gaze that can heal and change.  But remains hidden. 

Cause change*

 

[Proserpina]

Sublime gaze requires ridiculous amounts of suffering.  If you do something 'wrong' the amount of suffering required is unreal.