Bratcat

Just got out of a toxic relationship, what now?

21 posts in this topic

Hello everyone!
I've been in this relationship for a little over a year and there had been lots of ups and downs since like the 4th month already.
I ended the relationship already 2 weeks ago, but not really, because i was still hoping that maybe we could sort things out and get back together.
Basically the thing that ended it was this: He expected me, if we wanted to get back together, to pledge my forever love to him, to really believe that nothing could ever seperate us. I told him that I could give him everyday commitment, but that I was too personally vulnerable to let go of any (logical in my opinion) thoughts that there could be issues we wouldn't be able to sort out. I had always felt very dependent on him, and to keep that sort of "distance" seemed to me the only way to work on this codependence without losing him. Long story short neither of us were open to a compromise.
So now I am alone again and absolutely scared, but atleast now I think I managed to completely let go of him, no hopes or will to get back together with him.
It is hard for me to believe that I will ever find someone again who makes me not feel alone, and even if I do, I am absolutely terrified of the time before that, where I am definitely alone and have no deep social connections whatsoever.
My consciousness is extremely low right now. Please bear with me. I feel like before that relationship I was on a relatively good path to self-love and high consciousness. I am not saying that my ex is responsible for my "downfall", we certainly both played our parts, but just for your orientation I would say that our relationship dynamic was in a lot of ways similar to that with a narcissist. I am once again not saying he has a narcissistic personality disorder, just that some of the behaviours fit. Some of them definitely fit me as well.
So... I am depressed, I have also been depressed before and during my relationship. I already booked an appointment with a therapist for next week.
There's nothing guiding me in my life right now. I lost a lot of passion, I'm studying philosophy and anthropology but the contents seem meaningless to me now, but I also have no other idea of what I want to do. I would probably kill myself if I wouldn't hurt anyone by doing so.

Where do I start?

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Fuck he just called me and said he thought about it and was able to calm down a bit and wanted to explain to me again what it was that he wanted.
I cut him off and told him that I can't do this whole back and forth thing anymore, but it threw me just a little bit off.
I had just started building my world without him and then he calls.

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@Bratcat Hey. Block him now. Go no contact. If your dynamics has indeed been somewhat close to abusive relationships, then he'll be trying to pull you back in several more times. The "commitment" he asked of you is absurd. 

Block him, go cry for a week if you need to, then try to rebuild a healthy (even if just online if you're still in lockdown) social life. It's ok to feel intense sadness now. Try to trust it will pass and not worry about your other romantic relationship at the moment. 

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thank you Elisabeth :) I indeed had already blocked him on Whatsapp and after that call blocked his number, and he just now sent me an email, which I didn't open. I'm planning on reading it together with my therapist, I hope I can persevere until then.

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My breakup advice of the day is to start changing your life based on how it was before the relationship ended. As in what you spend your time doing, try new hobbies, meet new person people and/or spending your time in different places etc. Doing so makes your mind create separation from the past and you get over the whole ordeal quicker. 

Dating quickly however is a trap, so that won’t do the trick.

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here is what you need to know

1. dont ever go back. block him EVERYWHERE if needed

2. you will feel better, you wont be depressed forever

3. time is your best friend. time will heal

4. yes you will find someone else who is better

5. never go back to that person

6. stay strong NOW or you will be in hell forever

 

Edited by lostmedstudent

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Heeey, dont talk to him, his mind is on this whole ideas and behavior that for me, is toxic and abusive. I'm happy that you blocked him, start to do new things, things that you ever had desire to do(like your dreams), when you start to feel alright, think on a life purpose, that you could help peoples and be fullfiling for you. Take your time to cry, to feel bad, observe this things, how they appear to you. All gonna be alright. 

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thanks everybody :) it's really hard for me right now. I've been the happiest i've ever been when I was with him but that doesn't make up for our incompatibilities and the fact that I don't know how to be happy when I'm alone. I still love him and it hurts me to think that he's unhappy, but at the same time I can't make myself responsible for his happiness. I don't really have any good friends and my family lives far away. Nothing feels worth living anymore if there's noone to share it with. How do I learn to live for myself?

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Now block his number and stop talking to him.

Now don't get back together with him, even though you two will both want to.

Now give yourself time to rethink your life.

Now take time to work on yourself and move on to the next chapter of your life.

The pain of loss is an illusion. It will pass within a few weeks. So hang in there.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Why do girls get into relationships with guys like this? Filter out the needy ones

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@iGhost Because they themselves are a little bit needy, heh.

Don't worry, you will get through it, two months of suffering at most.

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Thank you Leo  :)
@iGhost I think it's okay to a certaint extent to be needy in a relationship, as long as you recognize it and are willing to work on it yourself. Nobody's perfect and everyone has got their insecurities.
@Spiral Do you mean dating in search of a new relationship is a trap or do you think even casual dating like one-night-stands etc. isn't such a good idea for me right now?

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Am I the only one thinking that what he said doesn't seem that ridiculous?

Quote

He expected me, if we wanted to get back together, to pledge my forever love to him, to really believe that nothing could ever seperate us.

So you guys were broken up, and he wanted you to promise him that you would commit fully to the relationship? What do you mean "pledge your love" to him? Unless you whip out the black candles and the book of spells, the only thing you can do is promise you'll try to be present in the relationship and work on things as you go. Is that what he wanted? Or was he being crazy and he wanted some freaky religion-y commitment about your everlasting love?

Were you in a position where you didn't want to commit to him?

I only ask because you also said this:

Quote

I had always felt very dependent on him, and to keep that sort of "distance" seemed to me the only way to work on this codependence without losing him.

This sounds like you weren't comfortable committing to the relationship fully. That would also explain why he was asking you to promise you'd be with him.

There was very little information in the original post. You didn't say he was abusive. I think it was too early for people to jump on the "he was toxic and abusive, fuck that guy!" train. I'm not saying he definitely wasn't abusive. Maybe he was completely awful and it's wonderful that you cut ties. I'm saying I don't know what was going on in your relationship. In the situation that he wasn't abusive and you two just weren't good together and brought out the bad parts of eachother.

What I'm getting at is, make sure you really objectively look at what's happening on your end. Do you have commitment issues? Did something happen in your past that made it difficult for you to be close to your ex? You talked a lot about co-dependence. Why were you co-dependent? Was he co-dependent too?

If you default to him being an abusive pos, and don't reflect objectively on the relationship, you could be missing out on critical things that made it fall apart, that could repeat themselves in future relationships.

I definitely think you need to be broken up. This sounds like an unhealthy, toxic relationship. I also think you need to stay single (both serious and casual relationships) until you can reach a healthy place, because you need to be happy with yourself and in a good place to be able to tend to a healthy relationship. If you jump into something else now, you won't be able to give that relationship the care and attention to keep it healthy.

Edited by pangolin
added information at end

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I just read through the lines didn't read everything so sorry if I say some wrong things or misunderstandings.

But to me it seems like both of you are quite young and immature and know nothing about relationships. A relationship you have to force is likely shit. Just like fart. If you force fart, it's shit. Sorry to say.

Also you mention being scared you never find someone to not feel lonely every again. Two things wrong with that: you are never alone, you are the You-niverse, both on micro and macro sense. You are always connected to people and living beings and non-living-beings too. You are never alone because you are in a society. But also, feeling alone can be a sign of maturity. And independence.

You need to love yourself more and be your best friend.

I recommend you stay single and work on yourself. Take care of the flower, the butterfly will come. Don't force yourself on others. I've been there and it's shit. Just my advice, and I know I was harsh. But you needed to hear this. 

I wish someone told me this when I was in that kind of stuff. The good news is that you can find yourself in hobbies and other cool stuff. And Matthew Hussey is a cool dating coach that has a book Get The Guy. If you read that you'll change your mind so much.. :) 

Good luck! Stay happy

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@pangolin The reason I couldn't give him what he wanted was because we had had a lot of difficulties before I broke up with him. Situations where I couldn't recognize him as the person I thought he was to the point he almost scared me. I wanted us, if we even were to try it ever again, to take it very slowly and see if both of us did our part. I just couldn't give him what he wanted before seeing if he'd really recognize those concerns of mine and change accordingly.
It's true that in the very beginning I didn't want to commit to a relationship, but that changed. However I always thought a lot about our possible future together in an anxious way, because it felt like we were inevitably steering towards a point where we just couldn't work out anymore. For example I wanted to do a semester abroad and he was always soooo scared about that, wanted to come with me or else he thought I'd find someone better than him during that time.
I never said he was toxic. I said the relationship was toxic. There's definitely some things he did that weren't okay, especially looking back I feel like I was very subtly manipulated at some points. But what I meant by toxic, was the codependency that resulted from both our insecurities and my inability to rely on myself whilst being with him.

@Aquarius Actually he is 11 years older than me and had quite some relationships before me. I know you mean well by saying I can't be alone in the You-niverse, but as I already said I'm on an extremely low consciousness-level right now. I am just constantly filled with sadness and fear and it is very hard for me to see the beauty of life. I just miss the connection to another human being, someone I can share everything with, someone I can call at every time of the day and whose presence just makes me feel at home.

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@Bratcat I would try to reduce the mind space pre-occupied with him. If a lot comes up, I would let it out by writing. Then re-orient yourself in a new direction. Most importantly, learn how to become friends with yourself. Start a project. Do 30 days of yoga. Start a meditation practice. Cook yourself healthy meals. Get into self massage. . . . Building a social group is good too. Perhaps look into meetup groups or events at the University. I would try to establish healthy friends (primarily female) that have common interests and “have what you want”. Women that have the traits and lifestyle that you would aspire to. . . Yet again, I’ve found becoming friends with myself and self care to be most important. 

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@Bratcat look at all the people around you in this forum. 

You are not alone.

Treat every break up as one step closer to your true love.

Focus on yourself, turn inwards, find love within not without, focus on the present stop thinking about the past (your ex) or future (that you will be alone) see them for what they are! Stories! 

Take care of your self.

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