Leo Gura

To All Struggling Males: Stop Playing Victim!

118 posts in this topic

I see a chronic problem on this sub-forum, which is young males who complain about lack of success with women and failing to take responsibility for their situation.

The #1 rule of all growth and personal development is taking 100% responsibility for your situation. I know how hard that can be when you're struggling with women/sex. It feels very much like life is treating you unfairly and that it's the women's fault. Let me tell you right now: this is a total ILLUSION! It's not the women. It's not society. It's not post-modernists. It's not the Marxists. It's not the feminists. It's YOU!

This is not me blaming you. This is simply how all personal development works. Whatever problem you have in life you must begin by getting honest with yourself how you created it. Sometimes this is difficult to accept. It's much easier to blame someone else, or even blame yourself (for being too ugly or too short or too introverted). I am not suggesting you blame yourself. Rather, take ownership of the fact that you are the creator of your life. Whatever is missing in your life, you can correct, but only if you stop blaming yourself and others.

Be very mindful of how your ego-mind creates narratives which justify your sense of lack, brokenness, or inability to attract women. All of these narratives, justification, rationalizations, logic, "facts", scientific studies, proofs, etc are sneakily fabricated by your own mind! Your own mind is the enemy! Watch it like a hawk. Your mind will try to come up with reasons and excuses for why your life is unfair and how success with women is impossible. This is all horseshit! Do not believe your own mind here. Your mind is clouded by fear, insecurity, and neediness. That is totally normal and understandable, but you cannot resolve your problems from such a place. From such a place your problems will get worse as you start to blame the world and solidify your victim worldview with cherry-picked evidence, "science", and "logic". Be extra suspicious of "logic" and "science" here. There is nothing logical or scientific about your victim attitude or lack of success with women. It's purely about meeting the survival needs of your ego. Sex is a very powerful survival need which will drive your mind towards all manner of mental gymnastics to ensure that you get it, or at least feel better for not getting it.

There's good news and bad news. The good news is: Your looks are NOT the problem! The bad news is: your personality, attitude, and mindset are terrible! The good news is, it's possible to change that. The bad news is, it won't be easy and you will resist it like the devil that you are.

So what's the solution? Take ownership of your problem and commit to resolving it. For this you need faith and confidence in your ability to self-actualize. You must have enough hope and vision to see yourself get much better with attracting women. This is NOT a pipe dream or fuzzy thinking. The reality is that any man can become 100x better at attracting women if he really takes ownership of the matter. Yes, it takes serious work. But it's also highly worth it. Imagine that within 3 years you're able to attract pretty women and feel confident about yourself when it comes to dating. Isn't that worth the effort? It sure is. This is not a fantasy. I've done it, many men have done it, and so can you! Your looks are NOT the bottleneck, your mindset is.

So what do you do after you've established this vision? You must do lots of research to educate yourself about how dating actually work (not how you think it works). Find videos, find books, buy online courses, hire a coach, take a bootcamp, take a workshop, etc. There are literally hundreds of excellent resources available online these days. Most of them are legit, not scams. Study them hard and then get into the field. Start talking to women. Start approaching women. Start flirting with women. Start being much more social.

If you struggle attracting women I can tell you right now what your top problems are. It's not lack of money, looks, muscles, car, height, or dick size. Remember, attraction and dating is EXTREMELY counter-intuitive. It's works exactly the opposite of how you initially think.

Your top problems are:

  • You live in your mancave and never go out! You must go out into social spaces where real women hang out.
  • You spend WAY too much time online, indoors
  • You spend WAY too much time on Youtube, Netflix, and playing video games
  • You work too much
  • You are never around cute single women
  • You never start conversations with strangers
  • You have terrible body language due to lack of experience
  • You are not comfortable doing small-talk and being emotional and random in conversations
  • You are far too logical
  • You approach zero women on a regular basis
  • You are terrified of approaching a women who you find attractive, talking yourself out of every approach
  • You have terrible eye contact, you don't smile, and you don't project your voice properly
  • You are crippled by fear and tongue-tied
  • You are unable to start and sustain an interesting conversation with a human being
  • You are disconnected from your body, your heart, your feelings, your emotions
  • You have terrible self-image issues. You hate yourself, you hate how you look, you judge yourself way too harshly. You judge yourself just as harshly as you judge women.
  • You have a bad sense of dress style and you don't groom yourself well
  • You have no experience with physically touching women in a non-creepy way. You don't know how to rapidly physically escalate on a women without creeping her out.
  • You don't know how women think or what they truly value in a man
  • You don't know how to flirt and be authentic
  • You are trying to be masculine in all the wrong ways -- fake masculinity
  • You are needy, needy, needy
  • You are terribly inexperienced
  • You have no sense of passion or purpose in life, which robs you of confidence and masculine vitality
  • Your attitude sucks: you whine, complain, bitch, moan, blame, and are so negative
  • You think you understand life, reality, and how attraction works -- you don't!

So work on fixing all of that before you go blaming women. All of the above can be deliberately worked on and fixed.

You need to learn how to be a real man. Being a real man has nothing to do with big muscles, big dick, or a fast car. A real man is grounded on the INSIDE. It's ALL about inner game! You need to cultivate that confidence. It doesn't come naturally. You must build it!

80% of getting good with women is just actually being much more social. You need to deliberately re-structure your life so that you're automatically being more social. So that you're going out every weekend. So that you're bumping into new people constantly. So that you're making new friends all the time. This kind of re-structuring is very doable. You just have to be willing to change your lifestyle.

And stop watching or listening to any of the following:

  • Jordan Peterson, MGTOW, RedPill, Incel material/forums/reddit

All of that is cancer of the mind. It's reinforcing your victim mindset and robbing you of your ability to change yourself.

I've been where you are. I know it's tough. But hang in there, hold your vision, have hope, get to work, and things will dramatically improve for you. You will become a new person by the end of this journey and you will be so proud of yourself. You will become a real man, not some whiny JP fanboy.

The #1 thing a real man does is take 100% responsibility for all his problems. A real man NEVER blames anyone, and certainly not women or feminism. A real man is a feminist. A real man fearlessly works on himself.

So start right there! Start by fixing that.


"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." -- Rumi

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@Leo Gura I've been going out since february to learn how to socialize with women, but also find new friends in general.

I wanted to say THANK YOU for this post. It has energized me and re-motivated me to remain on this path and become a better social and pleasant young man.

I really hope you can give other insights in the dating section in the future :)

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should probably lock this thread before it becomes a shitstorm of excuses

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This is the best advice i ever had.

 

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Posted (edited)

40 minutes ago, Rilles said:

should probably lock this thread before it becomes a shitstorm of excuses

Here's a list of 37 fictional reasons why I will never get laid,

PROVE ME WRONG !

Edited by Shin

If you want the moon, do not hide from the night
If you want a rose, do not run from the thorns
If you want love, do not hide from yourself

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Solid post.


Nothing can make you happy until Nothing can make you happy.

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Posted (edited)

There was a guy who I had a session at the gym with, good friend.

Upon leaving and uttering goodbye words, he said, "For some reason I always feel I dont deserve a woman."

I said to him,

"Well stop (feeling that way)."

We got in our cars and drove home.

Edited by JohnnyBravo

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Honestly, theres so much bitching about this on this forum, I think its time for a 4-hour in depth episode.

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3 minutes ago, DnoReally said:

Honestly, theres so much bitching about this on this forum, I think its time for a 4-hour in depth episode.

"Why you're still a 40 years virgin

Part 1"

xD


If you want the moon, do not hide from the night
If you want a rose, do not run from the thorns
If you want love, do not hide from yourself

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A Rant Against The Incel Community

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Great post Leo.

Victim mentality is just an sneaky ego defence to absolve taking responsibility for what you really want!
 

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41 minutes ago, Knock said:

Great post Leo.

Victim mentality is just an sneaky ego defence to absolve taking responsibility for what you really want!
 

Especially when you could be

WHATEVER YOU WANT !

:D


If you want the moon, do not hide from the night
If you want a rose, do not run from the thorns
If you want love, do not hide from yourself

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This is awesome thanks for doing this.


No more victim mentality. 

Every single problem in my life is my responsibility no matter how hard it is.

“It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me” Batman.

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I am glad that you went back to basics with Actualized.org, many people here need it :) 

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@Leo Gura Leo #1 rule of all growth and personal development is taking 100% responsibility for your situation. 
Peterson #1 rule to live live is to pick up that cross, accept its terrible weight, "so stop whine, complain, bitch, moan, blame, and be so negative" Hoist it onto your shoulders and struggle impossibly upward toward the Kingdom of God on the hill. So take 100% responsibility of your life.

Leo #2 rule: Stop listening to Jordan cuz it's cancer to the mind.


“The decisive question for man is: Is he related to something infinite or not? That is the telling question of his life. Only if we know that the thing which truly matters is the infinite can we avoid fixing our interests upon futilities, and upon all kinds of goals which are not of real importance. Thus we demand that the world grant us recognition for qualities which we regard as personal possessions: our talent or our beauty. The more a man lays stress on false possessions, and the less sensitivity he has for what is essential, the less satisfying is his life. He feels limited because he has limited aims, and the result is envy and jealousy. If we understand and feel that here in this life we already have a link with the infinite, desires and attitudes change.” - Carl Jung

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