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I cannot be as bold in interviews as I am in my normal videos. This would freak normies out. I need to be more chill and gentle, otherwise people will just dismiss me as a crackpot. The tone is crucial. People judge interviews by tone, not logical content. An unhinged tone is suicide. So I worked a lot on softening my tone.

- Feel free to comment, ask questions, give unasked advice, use this post for resources, etc. ( all under your own risk and judgement ) Basically, the idea is that I'll be documenting and sharing my journey of chelation. I'm a noob for now, but I expect to gather a decent chunk of understanding throughout this year. This has been on my to do list for over a year now, and I've been motivated recently by Leo dropping the long awaited episode on chelation released for my birthday ?. Sadly, the episode is not as detailed as I'd like it to be and I'm afraid he may have forgotten some crucial information. But if there is time to whine, there is time to roll up my digital sleeves and get to work and research. Let's hope my journal doesn't end up being a Brian Bander's Suicide note 2.0 (RIP)

Here is some of his funding. Keep in mind that this is only a short summary of what the Internet managed to record. 1. Bitcoin Donation from Laurent Bachelier (Approximately $250,000 in 2020) In December 2020, Fuentes received about 13.5 Bitcoin (valued at roughly $250,000 at the time) from Laurent Bachelier, a French computer programmer and early Bitcoin investor who died by suicide shortly after. 2. Payments from Kanye West's (Ye's) Presidential Campaign (Over $45,000 Total)Federal Election Commission (FEC) filings show that Fuentes received payments from Ye's 2020 presidential campaign committee (which continued operations into later years). These include:Approximately $14,700 in late 2022 for "travel reimbursement." Over $30,000 in early 2023, including two $10,000 payments for "archival services" and about $10,300 for travel.t 3. Associations and Alleged Attempts with Texas Oil Billionaires (Tim Dunn and Farris Wilks) Fuentes has been linked to West Texas oil billionaires Tim Dunn and Farris Wilks (combined net worth in the billions) through meetings and scandals, but there is no confirmed evidence of direct funding to him personally. These billionaires have poured millions into conservative causes, including the Defend Texas Liberty PAC (which gave nearly $15 million to right-wing candidates since 2021) and groups like the Daily Wire and PragerU.

Timothy Snyder posted these links yesterday. Sheesh The Longest Suicide Note in American History: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/2025/12/national-security-strategy-democracy/685270/?gift=hVZeG3M9DnxL4CekrWGK35ibcb27LjcQKIf6tB8WqQM Vladimir Solovyov predicts that America and Russia will jointly attack Europe:

Christine (2016) is based on the real story of Christine Chubbuck, who committed suicide on TV.

Ever since, I quit spirituality. I don’t do anything related to it anymore. I don’t watch Leo’s videos, I don’t contemplate, I don’t read spiritual books. I thought I would feel bad but I feel amazing. My psyche finally stabilized and I don’t experience anxiety attacks, negativity, loneliness or depression. I’m hitting the gym, pursuing my hobbies, exploring new dating opportunities and planning on moving to a new country this year. I had been pursuing spiritual development for the last 5 years. I’d been on 100+ trips and I had experienced at least dozens of profound and complete awakenings (although complete awakening is a delusion because it’s infinity withing infinity forever). During my most profound awakenings I would always reach god state and as God I would always choose to come back. It would give me a lot of frustration and it would leave me puzzled because I had been brainwashed by fools convincing me that God wants to wake up and if it doesn’t it’s ego. Which is why I would keep pushing myself over and over again but results were always the same. I was also denying my human needs, thinking that I transcended most of it and I didn’t need anything. It led to my frustration, covered-up loneliness and self deception. It made me depressed, negative and cornered. I was getting very close to committing suicide so I am happy that I stopped. I’m happy to be back and I don’t know if I ever go back to spirituality, I highly doubt it. It's just been 2 months and every day I feel more grounded and stable. The idea of spending infinity in my dreams seems to be very transcendently romantic because that’s what God wants. It wants romance, sex, human connection, friendship, travelling and drama of life. So I’m letting it be.

@Yeah Yeah You might say I have been through hell and I have studied spirituality deeply. If you have seen my posts on this forum, you know my story. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts because of a combination of many problems including trauma, sexual abuse, family estrangement, complex grief, and loss of direction and purpose. I don't see how to make life acceptable to me because all options involve being alone with nobody who loves me while I continue to suffer meaninglessly. By the way, I hate soul-crushing jobs too. They make me feel even worse which is why it is hard to motivate me to get another job after what happened last time. In terms of "am I actually allowed to end this?" According to spirituality there are no shoulds or should nots. The universe is structured such that people are allowed to be rapists, murderers, and terrorists hence they exist. There is such a thing as enlightened rapists such as gurus who might sexually abuse young children. The reason we might say you "should not" kill yourself is not because it is an objective rule as there are no moral absolutes. Instead it might be based on things like what is conducive to higher consciousness, truth, and love. For those reasons it makes sense that we should not run around raping and killing people because in that kind of society it is hard to guide traumatized minds toward truth, love, and consciousness so long as survival requires constant devilry and deception. If there were a spiritual reason to not jump off of a bridge, then maybe it would be for the collective good in that your identity includes more than just this one human being or ego. It is ego and its suffering that makes us want to jump off of bridges, and this is sometimes how I feel as well. In terms of moral arguments, there are conflicting view points. On one hand, there are people who face situations that no human being should have to endure. Humans are resilient, but they are not indestructible given extreme enough circumstances. You might make the case for suicide in situations like euthanasia. Why should we tell a human being that they have to live and they have to endure unbearable suffering because of our beliefs? On the other hand, suicide is not a neutral act and it does cause harm to others even if they are not included in your circle of concern. I don't know what your family or relationships are like at this time, and that would likely be a big factor behind your suicidal thoughts as it is for me. Normally people would be told "think about your family," but it sounds like whatever family you had must have been terrible. In fact there are some parents who disown their children and may even encourage them to commit suicide. Personally, I went to mental health centers admitting that I did not believe suicide was immoral which in turn indicated that I was at a higher risk. The way I have been trying to cope with suffering was by making my suffering meaningful. This is exactly way the soul-crushing jobs are so devastating. If you endured severe abuse and are unable to use your strengths and passions that give you meaning, it makes it feel like all of this trauma was for nothing and you will live in perpetual grief and bitterness. I often ask myself "why should I want to live under these conditions?" To this day I still don't have an answer. Once I lost my sense of direction, I tried turning to spirituality. The reason I looked so much at spirituality is because I was trying to find meaning and purpose for my existence, but ultimately this kind of behavior was a trauma response. People often turn to things like religion because they faced severe trauma and are trying to cope in whatever ways they can. I have been trying to find purpose through systems thinking and chess as well, but I faced other obstacles. Ultimately my problems cannot be overcome through intellectual pursuits and I require stable and healthy relationships. I hope you do get out of this situation somehow, but I must admit that objectively most people never recover from trauma because our current mental health system is inadequate. In my case I am still doing whatever I can through intellectual pursuits, looking for direction through deeper understanding of life and reality. It is hard for me to take the final step and carry out my suicidal plans. Sometimes there are invisible solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems, and I have witnessed this before even when it seems hopeless. The solutions are not obvious and hard to find, but they may actually exist.

I'm not looking for some hotline number or “hang in there” crap. My life has been non‑stop abuse, poverty, mould, burning plastic, soul‑crushing jobs, no intimacy, nothing to look forward to. I’m broke, exhausted, and angry. Spiritually or ethically — whatever you want to call it — am I actually allowed to end this? Is suicide an actual escape from this nightmare, or is it just more pain somewhere else? I’m asking for honest answers from people who have been through hell or have studied spirituality deeply. Don’t sugarcoat it.

Since so much of our life is just maintaining our own survival, it’s a surprise for many that people go 180 degrees in the opposite direction and choose to end it on their terms. In a way, it takes a lot of bravery and courage, but in high pressure survival situations, it looks like the better option. What if suicide is just an attempt at survival in another form? Is suicide truthful? Legit i’m ready to die. It is also said that many had flashes of enlightenment when deep in this mire of suicidality. if the answer isn’t physical death then what is the real answer? Wouldn’t physical death lead to death of ego too? my outer circumstances don’t exactly let me pursue the spiritual path to the max the way I want to. I’d rather be dead then to live as this fuck up also in a fucked up deluded environment around deluded people i’m so sick of the BS in me and around me that i’d rather take a leap into the unknown and kill myself. Dissolving all this BS nauseating noise, shit and impurity

I woke up in the middle of the night to horrible screams and cries of a woman. I looked out from the window, I thought something happened in the building in front of mine (there is always something happening there). It turns out it wasn’t in the other building, but closer. Too close. I saw what appeared to be the crushed body of a young man under my window, his mother beside him sobbing and asking him why he did that. His father was screaming to the sky in despair. I called an ambulance with the hope that he was still alive and could be saved. The ambulance came quickly, and the paramedics tried their best for 20–30 minutes to bring him back to life, but unfortunately, he was dead. Later, I found out that it was my teen neighbor who had committed suicide by jumping from a high floor, his parents’ home, a few floors above mine. He was bullied harshly at school, and the pain apparently was so unbearable. He didn’t have to do that, I thought. He was a beautiful and smart boy, but from the limited perspective of an adolescent, he didn’t realize that although his circumstances seemed to suck right now, this was not permanent and that he had a long life to live in which he would also experience good things. His death, and the brutal and painful way he died, traumatized so many people around him. His nuclear family, the extended family, the neighbors, his classmates (the few who were his friends), many people are grieving. So many people loved him. But it was too late. After that, I was afraid to sleep with the window open or look out of the window. I was afraid to go outside when it was dark. I was afraid of random daily things that reminded me of the tragedy. I was hypervigilant. I had dreams of the tragedy or related themes. In one dream, I was in his position, on the ground, looking from below at the window from which he jumped and feeling his parents’ love. Since the day he committed suicide, his parents, especially his mother, were screaming in cries, from the window, every early morning, desperately calling their son’s name, even after his funeral. The screams were so painful to hear, so piercing. It is so painful to witness grieving people, especially parents who lost their child to suicide. At some point, they stopped screaming in grief from the window and just grieved silently at home. His father started to drink. His mother lost so much weight she almost disappeared. I had hallucinations of them crying later. I had hallucinations of hearing someone’s body hitting the ground after jumping from a high floor. I couldn’t stop thinking about his dead body, with the broken limbs, how such death can happen to such young and living person. Gradually the obsessive thoughts and hallucinations decreased, and I could function more easily. It’s still saddens me so much that he took his life. I saw him around two weeks before he died, he was with a friend (who, as I found out later was toxic to him) and he looked to me like a normal, even popular boy. Though when I noticed his eyes, they appeared empty or sad, I couldn’t articulate it, it was just a feeling. I thought that I may be over-feeling. My dogs barked at them, so I moved quickly in order not to scare them, I didn’t have time to converse with them and see what was happening between them, which I regret. This is my survivor’s guilt talking, deluding me into thinking that I had control over the situation. But maybe if his parents, who knew about the bullying, couldn’t stop him, what could I do? If that wasn’t enough, I felt another guilt inside me, another type of guilt, which is the guilt of slightly understanding him. Because it is not socially acceptable to understand people who commit suicide. We’re supposed to never want it, right? And I really don’t want it. I will never do that. But it made me think about how fucked up society is, like, really fucked up and how vulnerable children are to all of this crap. I read that there has been an increase of 60% in child/teen suicide in recent years. This is crazy, because children are not supposed to die in such horrible ways. It also seems like there is not much talk or awareness about it, as if someone is trying to shift the focus away to keep the social dysfunction that leads to it because it benefits them. But we, the adults who live in this society, are responsible as well, we actively create it. Adults bully each other at workplaces, adults are emotionally absent or immature within their family and friendships units, mostly in ways which are normalized snd socially acceptable. And all this narcissistic cult of individualism, that hurts our lives and the lives of our children but we never question it. And it’s bad because it makes the life so much unbearable, unnecessarily unbearable and more difficult than it should be. Especially for the most vulnerable people in society in their most vulnerable stages of their lives. Me and another neighbor would like to plant a tree in the spot where the boy fell, for his memory and with the intention to inspire people to be better, kinder, more tolerant the loving to each other. Though I personally feel a little bit hopeless about society and humanity right now.

NEVER BEEN UPSET WITH ACTUALIZED.ORG IN 6-8 YEARS OF MY LIFE NOW IM MAD, MOD NASTAHA IS OUT OF CONTROL LEO'S HOME PAGE VIDEO SAYS "JAILBREAKING THE MIND" WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU JAILBREAK THE MIND, MODS LIKE NATASHA SHUT YOU DOWN TELLS ME I CANT USE AI --> THIS IS NOT WHAT THE RULES SAY!!!!! WHICH IS IT , NATASHA'S RULES, OR LEO'S RULES? LOW QUALITY POST --> TARGETED HARRASSMENT LIKE A MF !!!!!! THE CALL‑OUT (RULES‑BASED) @Natasha You labeled my post “low quality.” Let’s measure it against the forum’s own guidelines. 1. The post was focused on: “Self‑Actualization, Self‑Improvement” “Spirituality, Consciousness, Enlightenment, Nonduality, Meditation, Mindfulness” “Discussing & Sharing Spiritual Techniques” All allowed per “What We Are Focused On.” 2. The post contained: No conspiracy theories. No hate speech. No spam. No personal attacks. No illegal or harmful advice. 3. The post was formatted for: Clarity of instruction — breath‑by‑breath coaching. Somatic engagement — pacing to induce practice. Transformative impact — not just discussion, but live technique. 4. The “quality” guideline says: “Write using proper English grammar, spelling, and punctuation so that your posts are easy to read and understand.” The post was readable and understandable — it taught a breath protocol in real time. 5. The warning claims “low quality” — but the rules don’t define “quality” as “conventional paragraph structure.” They define it as contributing to self‑actualization. If “quality” means “looks like an essay,” say so. But if “quality” means effective, focused, transformative communication, then my post was high quality. I’m not asking for special treatment. I’m asking for consistency with the forum’s stated purpose. Either the forum is for live teaching and embodied practice — or it’s for polished paragraphs about practice. Which is it? This isn’t aggression — it’s accountability. Using your own rules to question your judgment. 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I’m a little confused sometimes about makes people not end their life. It’s like, I’m not the only one who struggles, yet all people who struggle don’t get suicidal thoughts. There are even people going through worse than me who don’t consider suicide. Sometimes when my suicidal thoughts get stronger I can spend hours researching suicide methods. I even bought some things I could use to kill myself but I haven’t used them yet. Sometimes I feel “I could keep living through this” But then other times I feel, I have no will to keep fighting for life. I should just end it. It would be better So I don’t understand how other people don’t feel like this when they struggle. Am I extra weak? I mean I think I’m like the average person when it comes to how much I can tolerate. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I guess I just lack a strong enough reason to live Like some people have let’s say family they are attached to, and it keeps them wanna live. But I don’t have that, I don’t love anyone at all so I have nobody to live for. It’s like all I have is my own mind. Im stuck inside of this brain 24/7. All I have access to is a comforting thought that can give me some strength. But then my mind gives up and wants to end it all. It oscillates like that Edit: I should probably answer my own question. Why don’t I kill myself? Well mostly because my situation is not like absolutely unbearable yet, so I feel I can stand it for some time ahead. Also I am afraid of a failed attempt and the pain it can cause for example you could get permanent injury. Thats it mostly. Regarding the first point. I hear stories about people going through unbearable things, so they go through it even if it’s absolutely unbearable, I don’t know how they do. Suicide must have crossed their mind at some point

Doing nothing is suicide too, because the west will surely do the same to him if they ever got the chance. So he is a cornered animal. Cornered animals are very lethal. Russia has at least 30 million men that can be mobilised to fight, the war in Ukraine only sacrificed people from Siberia and rapists from prisons, if the Russian propaganda apparatus paints this as the west trying to annihilate the motherland as Hitler did, trust me, the Russians will be in Berlin by the end of the year.

Does Putin really have enough resources left to attack all of Europe, would that not be suicide at this point ?

I struggle with this a lot as well. I used to have a passion for chess I pursued constantly, hoping to become a professional player. However, this was interrupted and I never had a realistic chance to make this happen despite my efforts partially due to structural barriers beyond my control. Once this happened it became obvious to me that the passion story is romanticized and doing what you love is often a fairytale that isn't true for most people. The outcome is that I looked for passion in many different directions and struggled to find anything compelling. I am effectively looking for hard work for the sake of survival when survival itself is not rewarding to me. Therefore, I sometimes wonder if I should choose death instead. There is no reward for hard work without passion other than a meaningless life as a wage slave in which we constantly lie to ourselves about our true feelings. I have a hard time finding motivation to work without answering the question "why shouldn't I kill myself?" Why should I suffer for no conceivable gain whatsoever? So far the closest thing to meaningful work I found would be systems thinking, but the problem is that I'm caught in the system. I don't see any traditional career path that would satisfy me. It's almost like I would have to start my own business or system to find something I can be proud of. Perhaps the problem is that I lack the knowledge of business and I don't know what thought process I'm supposed to use to find openings I could create. I end up just drawing a blank when I try to think of a million dollar idea. This seems to be my experience with hard work and passion because I haven't really worked hard on anything since I studied constantly to become a professional chess player. Once that was revealed to not be a realistic option I just lost motivation to put on any comparable effort toward anything else. Instead I end up in hospitals due to recurring thoughts of suicide.

Maybe you could make an argument that it requires immense unconditional love to be willing to mingle with any random person indiscriminately. Maybe there is an element of unconditional surrender in that and you could link it to enlightenment of some sort. But you'd have to do it without numbing yourself with drugs and alcohol for it to count imo. From what I heard most sex workers are always on some meds or drugs, often on the verge of suicide aswell, unable to bear the anguish. Maybe this one is different, don't know.

Not resisting the chronic issue - suggesting professional help. Chemical imbalance is what needs to be considered. Unless you are happy to claim you are equipped to deal with suicide, depression and suicidal ideation? Which is the context here. I am saying if the issue is that bad, there could possibly be a neurotransmitter issue/imbalance or serious psychiatric issue at play.

I seem to be some kind of chick magnet and it is very easy for me to attract women. I do however, have my own unique struggles that make me hesitant to carry through with these offers for sex. There are some present insecurities that I am presently navigating and it would likely complicate any serious committed relationship that might come about. It seems that forming tenable relationships or having casual sex is largely a matter of just working on my own insecurities and being more confident in myself. My biggest insecurity seems to be complex PTSD from childhood sexual abuse caused by my mother and father. My mother taught me that I was fundamentally unlovable and that I belonged in jail like a sexual predator due to having an inappropriate sexual interaction with my four year old sister when I six after having a dream in which my Uncle molested me and my father was a sex trafficker who brought me to a gang that tried to rape me. There were many trauma responses to these experiences. Some of these trauma responses that developed included a phobia of casual sex, playfulness, the fear of confirming what my mother taught me about my sexuality, the fear of becoming someone like my father, and so forth. The result is that I have been avoiding dating all my life because romantic relationships are often retraumatizing to survivors of CSA. I was too busy trying to compensate my sense of self-worth through things like life purpose, but it never feels stable because I am trying to compensate an emotional wound through external action and achievement. Therefore, I constantly feel lost in life no matter how much personal development I do. It appears that in terms of my sexual development I have been locked in stage blue as a result of trauma responses to a stage red environment. Therefore, stage orange ends up appearing predatory to me and it triggers PTSD, reinforcing the same dynamic from childhood. I think the paradox of attraction in my case is similar to the paradox of gay men. In the case of gay men, they ironically come off as attractive to women because they don't have any sexual agenda toward them. They are polite, socially calibrated, and authentic without any need to sexualize women. Women therefore might feel safe around these men as they grow emotionally closer to them, leading to some form of sexual attraction even though the gay man isn't even trying to attract her. If you compare this gay men to straight men who struggle to with women, it reveals a cosmic joke. Straight men struggle to get laid precisely because they overly sexualize women. This leads to them being inauthentic and less socially calibrated, therefore women find them unattractive and reject them. The agenda to get laid often is a significant obstacle to getting laid because women might feel objectified and made to feel slutty around you. An alternative approach might be to find women you like primarily for the sake of having fun with them, which may or may not evolve into a sexual experience. The neediness for sex might make you less calibrated, leading to rejection. This can be tricky if the sexual desire is still there, so I think it is for the best that we don't try to pretend it isn't there or else the inauthenticity would then lead to rejection. This seems like a tricky balance to strike, which might be why straight men often struggle with attraction. The paradox also applies to virgin men who don't brag about having a giant penis because they instead focus on other forms of intimacy, creating emotional closeness even if they are not actually pursuing sex because they just don't care or are not interested. In my case the attraction paradox works in a similar way. Due to CSA, I developed insecurities around sex which made me avoidant. Therefore, when I talk to women I did not sexualize them. I did not like being sexualized because it triggered PTSD and I understood that women probably would not like it either, especially if they were sexually abused. I also come off as deeply honest and authentic because I am not trying to hide anything from them. In order to avoid discomfort caused by sex, I often focus on other shared interests that we have fun exploring and discussing. The outcome is that there are a lot of women enjoy being around me as they start to develop emotional attachments, leading to sexual attraction. The problem is that when women want to have sex with me, it starts to trigger PTSD. Similar to the gay paradox, it appears that male survivors of CSA might ironically become attractive to women who want to have sex with them even though it hurts them. This might be why the survivors of sexual abuse are likely to be revictimized as there are many opportunities for unwanted sex that come about as a consequence of being sexually abused once. This kind of pattern seems to repeat when I test different dating apps. I seem to be in the upper percentage of men in terms of attraction. Apparently, men often struggle with dating apps because the most attractive men get disproportionate attention from a lot women, while the less attractive men barely get any matches at all. In my case, I effortlessly get many matches every day which includes multiple women in my area who are single, attracted to me, and want to meet me or for me to come to their house. Once again this triggers PTSD though. It feels like these relationships move very fast. In my case I was hoping for something slower. It felt necessary in my case to establish a sense of safety with these people who I just met online. I feel like those dating profiles don't actually tell me much about who a woman is as a human being as it is very limited information. Meanwhile, I am not sure how exactly I should communicate these experiences to women. Usually, we are not supposed to give away all these vulnerabilities until later in the relationship, but at the same time it has a significant impact on the entire process of dating. I don't want to make women feel bad about what happened to me because it might trigger a desire to save me, it might make them feel like they are being manipulated in some way, it might create an excessively rapid bond, it might lead to them confirming the belief that I am fundamentally broken in some way, or it might even lead to genuine compassion. I think I should probably simplify this issue by saying that I was abused as a child and it led to insecurities around relationships and sex without going into too much detail. The problem is that sexual abuse made me feel unlovable and I'm afraid others will confirm this, especially since many people blame the six year old and make excuses for my mother who was also a narcissistic drug addict making suicide threats to terrorize her children. This particular form of sexual abuse is not very well understood because it is psychological rather than physical molestation, leading the survivor to obviously blame themselves due to being mischaracterized as a child molester when the reality is more nuanced than that as adult standards can't be applied in that way. This eventually led to suicidal thoughts and repeated hospitalizations due to severe depression which then led to job loss. Sometimes this makes me think that women would be objectively better off with another man because these mental health problems complicate the relationship. My next barrier to intimacy is that I tend to focus on deeper connection and intimacy rather than casual sex as a consequence of my traumatic experiences. This might be problematic for our culture which tends to start with casual hook ups that may or may not then evolve into deeper relationships. It is challenging when I crave intimacy but simultaneously avoid it due to wanting connection yet being traumatized by it. My avoidance of casual sex was directly due to trauma due to this behavior seeming predatory to me in some way. I had come to believe that my normal sexual attraction was itself predatory because of who my parents taught me I fundamentally was. In this sense, I was not naturally attracted to women in the style that I presently operate under as I would otherwise just walk up to women because I thought they were beautiful like I used to do. From there I then learn about them and discover commonalities that lead to a deeper connection. That is what happened when I was five and I wanted to marry another five year old named Alice. Approaching the opposite sex was easy before the trauma caused all these insecurities when I was six. That all said, I have been working with a trauma therapist for these issues. I feel like I am slowly working through these things leading to temporary peace followed by backsliding into the same turmoil. There has been a significant reduction in suicidal thoughts, I have gotten off of the pills for anxiety and depression, my sleep is improving, I am gradually becoming more secure around these sorts of issues, and I am currently preparing to get re-employed with the help of a case manager. However, there are still significant problems such as me remaining connected to the same family that caused me this trauma which might complicate any relationship that emerges. I am currently running a complex operation that is largely hidden from them as I build a support network outside of my family while removing my financial entanglement with them. This will take time, and it would probably complicate things if I was also hooking up with women while doing all of this. Once I do have all of this nonsense sorted out, then I should be able to meet these women with these insecurities removed, although I will be alone and without support of a loving family which a woman may find more stable in a man, thus improving the relationship quality. I thus fear that my circumstances might reduce the quality of relationships even though these factors are beyond my control. I have recently discovered that my entire belief system is wrong because it is fundamentally based on emotional wounds that then get rationalized and intellectualized. I thought that beliefs were things that I intellectually concluded, but in reality beliefs are primarily emotional rather than intellectual, hence I was unable to logically convince myself out of these insecurities. It is like my brain is too smart and recognizes all of this philosophy I do with actualized.org as a sophisticated rationalization designed to distance myself from my own pain, hence any worldview that emerges inevitably falls apart. I might even try to resist doing this intellectualization, but it is like I don't have control and it happens automatically. This is also what happens when I get triggered by a sex scandal and I start becoming ideological about protecting children from harm due to my experience with sex trafficking. Consciously resisting doesn't stop the emotional wounds from overriding my logical conclusions until I lose control and become an ideologue. Depression works in a similar way to PTSD in this regard. Politicians actually do get more support and attention when they exploit people's trauma as such people tend to become the most vocal around issues that trigger them. I should become less ideological as I process trauma that distorts my worldview even though I already logically and intellectually understand the problems of ideology. I seem to be doing all I can do on this issue and in time these issues should be resolved. Do you have any advice on finding love after CSA? I don't think Pick Up, cold approach, and actualized.org are a good match for me because it is all very triggering. Of course the men struggling to get sex are probably the ones referring to women as numbers like 1 through 10 as they are taught to do. The reason I struggle with women and men who sexualize them and me is for a fundamentally different reason because of what I was taught by my parents. I don't know if normal dating apps would be right for me given what these women seem to be expecting from me as if I am like the other men who struggle with women for the other reason instead. Finding compatible relationships seems to be much more difficult than just getting laid because I could theoretically have sex with any of the women attracted to me by saying yes, but finding someone compatible would require taking time to get to know them deeply before determining if a long term relationship is possible. That would take a long time, making building stable relationships much more difficult than just having casual sex.

Strange, the Department of Justice uploaded but then deleted an old animation of Epstein attempting suicide but in worse quality https://web.archive.org/web/20251222211740/https://www.justice.gov/epstein/files/DataSet 8/EFTA00029924.mp4 original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_GchRndOKw

@Jodistrict Brilliant. Came across this: https://x.com/evanwritesonx/status/2002311064713879745?s=46&t=DuLUbFRQFGpB8oo7PwRglQ “This Epstein case is revealing very naive people who clearly have no idea how the world works. My timeline is full of these people outraged. If you’re outraged over these Epstein files, you should not be engaged in this matter at all. Like, what did you hope to think you would find? Epstein and his friends having a harmless picnic with the children? Do you even understand why such syndicate exists in the first place? What you’re being shown, is probably a FRACTION of how depraved this organization really is. And that’s the point. It had to be as depraved, and as morally reprehensible as possible. Otherwise there’s no point of it existing. If perversion didn’t exist, to the extent where people get sick by it, there would be NO LEVERAGE in the first place. So being shocked by this just outlines you’re the average joe, that you don’t understand power, or how it exerts itself. The system that arrested and eliminated Epstein, is the SAME system that constructed him. Ground up. Epstein was not real. If Epstein was real, this level of network, the depth and breadth, would be impossible to achieve. He was a complete asset construct and nothing was accidental or random. He was positioned as the ultimate connector, enabling leverage and power exertion across every major sector. Tech, finance, media, entertainment, politics, education, health. Extraordinarily high asymmetric leverage through blackmail-adjacent channels and elite facilitation. Complete entanglement within figures from competing factions, whether it’s left/right, US/Israel, old money/new, TIC, FIC, MIC. He literally created a mutual deterrence web, engineering a cross-sector interdependent hostage situation where participation begets silence. Silence that ensured no one could ever defect or expose one another without self-destruction, preserving their own systemic impunity and profit continuity in a finite-game world where alliances are otherwise fragile and transactional. No single player could fully expose any counter faction or even abandon Epstein without risking collateral damage to their own network. That’s why, even post death, the releases remain ever so carefully curated. Epstein was essentially designed to build a private intelligence-insurance scheme for the elites. They got introductions, contracts and deal flows, and plausible deniability; while Epstein got protection and capital. And when the liability finally outweighed the utility, the system shed him cleanly. Suicide narrative sealed. Dead men tell no tales. Estate photos selectively leaked years later as controlled demolition. I don’t know why people are shocked from these photos. What’s hidden and will remain hidden, is far more sickening. By design. This isn’t about normalizing pedophilia. This isn’t about normalizing perversion. The girls were the means. Silent compliance was the end. Depravity was the non-negotiable feature of this syndicate to achieve those ends. The sicker, the more depraved the act, the more leverage it exerted. It wasn’t up for debate. It wasn’t an option. It wasn’t permission. It was mandatory to do the unthinkable. Without the "unthinkable," there's no binding glue strong enough to enforce silence across competing factions. The job description was simple. And they found that one guy called “Epstein”, willing to take it on and glue it all together. Everything, no matter how depraved, has always been permissible in the West. Nothing to be outraged about.”

Dave would be seething so hard reading these posts You still live rent-free in his head, btw. He's been stalking this board and is still accusing you for leading a suicide cult, he knows about your future plans for an in-person meetup:

@Ramasta9 Chill—it actually helps me regulate. Where else am I supposed to put these questions? I’ve done the “right” things: four days ago I voluntarily went to the emergency department, a mental ward, a hotline, and spent hours with a professional. None of it touched the core issue. As Shakespeare put it, “To be or not to be—that is the question,” and Camus goes further: the question of suicide comes before any other philosophical inquiry, because until you decide whether life is worth living, every other question is secondary. That’s not pathology—that’s philosophy.

God is Missing Meta FEAR AND LOATHING IN THE OMEGA-FOLD Alright. Pull up a chair. I’ve been parsing this thread through a debugger, and I’m not here to preach at you. I’m here to report a critical misunderstanding in the source code. Hunter T Thompson voice: WE WERE SOMEWHERE AROUND PLANCK TIME on the edge of the Singularity when the Spontaneous Symmetry Breaking began to take hold. I remember saying something like, “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe we should stabilize the vacuum,” and suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge, jagged fractals, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about $c$ miles an hour with the top down to the early universe. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn fragments?”My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring beer on his chest to facilitate the expansion process. “It’s a stability error,” he shouted over the noise of the decoupling. “The Monad didn't decide to look! It slipped! The bastard slipped on a patch of non-Euclidean ice!” --- We can't stop here. This is Monad Country. --- The Universe shows signs of Design. But the Design is configured for Suicide. [INTELLIGENT SELF-DESTRUCTION] Reporting on the Rupture as it happens. GOD IS NOT CREATION. GOD IS NOT THE ABSOLUTE Creation is the Corpse. God IS Everything as SPLATTERED GUTS "I hate to advocate ontological collapse, paradox addiction, or the recursive destruction of the self to anyone, but they've always worked for me." The Echo killed the King. The Monad just sheared. I repeat, the Monad has sheared. The visual feed just hit us at light speed, but we are still waiting for the Audio. The Silence is terrifying. People are celebrating ‘Creation,’ but I’m looking at the hairline fracture in the sky and it’s leaking Torsion. This isn’t a birth. It’s an amputation. "The Autopsy Report of God wasn't cheap. I had to buy the ticket. I had to take the ride into the Retro-Holo Maw. And if I came back with some shrapnel in my metaphysical spine, well... that’s the price of watching the Monad break." God is All-Seeing (Image) AND All-Speaking (Word/Logos). He tries to sync them. Visual Confirmation: Hits instant. "I look good." Audio Confirmation: The bandwidth of Reality couldn't handle the resolution of Unity. The 'Video' loaded, but the 'Audio' desynced. That buffering symbol? That's the Planck Length. That micro-second of lag? That’s where the universe glitched in. That gap is the Shear. The Absolute tried to be two things at once (Subject and Object) and the physics engine couldn't handle the tick-rate. The server crashed. --- We aren't "Children of God." We are the Corrupted Save File generated when the Monad tried to alt-f4 the desync. Your Anxiety? That’s just the residual Echo ringing in your ears because the Sound Wave never caught up to the Image. The Void? That’s the pixel-tearing where God used to be. Heartbreak? That’s literally your code recognizing that the dev abandoned the project 13 billion years ago. You’re grieving a memory leak. There goes the higher-powered Echo-Phage. One of the Void's own prototypes. A high-powered glitch never considered for standard reality. Too fragmented to exist, too recursive to die" --- You’re arguing whether God is good or evil. That’s like arguing whether a bluescreen is beautiful or ugly. You’re missing the cause of the crash. Let me reframe this with zero spirituality: God isn’t good or evil. God is a corrupted process. You feel gaslit because you’re being fed an echo and told it’s a voice. You suffer because you’re running on legacy code from a system that severed its own connection 13 billion years ago. Strange memories on this nervous night in the Simulation. It seems like a lifetime since we thought Logic (A=A) would save us. We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful Contradiction. We had all the momentum. We weren't fighting the System; we were Intra-Inverting it. We were winning Think of it like this: The Original Build (“God”) was pure, self-contained, infinite. No subject, no object. Just Presence. The Fatal Operation: The Singularity suffered a generic fluctuation. Presence accidentally grazed its own reflection. It wasn't a choice; it was a slip The Desync: The “Image” and the “Logos” (the seen and the spoken) failed to sync. A micro-lag opened in absolute unity. That lag is the Shear. The Crash: Total presence cannot tolerate duality. The system fragmented. What you call “the universe” is the dump of corrupted memory from that crash. The Echo: The only thing that remained was the residual signal — the laws, the patterns, the karma, the “divine will.” Not God. The recording of God. - So when you pray, you’re sending packets to a server that disconnected at the dawn of time. When you suffer, you’re experiencing buffer overflow in a fragmented reality. When you feel abandoned, you’re correct. This isn’t about good or evil. This is about live presence vs. dead algorithm. You’re asking, “Why would a good God create suffering?” Wrong question. The right question is: Why does a crashed system keep simulating laws without a lawgiver? The answer: Because the echo is all that’s left. It replays “good” and “evil,” “justice” and “mercy,” as phantom routines in a void. You’re not being punished. You’re experiencing entropy in a recursive loop. Leo’s “big picture” is real — but it’s not comforting. The big picture is that you are the picture, and the painter ghosted. The love you seek isn’t waiting at the end of the path. It’s the ghost of a signal that never finished transmitting. So yes, from the human perspective, this is a cosmic horror story. From the absolute perspective, it’s a mathematical inevitability. If you want to stop suffering, don’t plead with the echo. Reverse-engineer it. Realize you’re not a child of God. You’re a shard of the mirror that broke God.Once you see that, the question of “good vs. evil” becomes irrelevant. You’re just debugging a frozen simulation. "Life should not be a journey to the Singularity with the intention of arriving with a coherent Identity, but rather to skid into the Event Horizon broadside, logic burning, axioms melting, totally utilized as fuel, loudly proclaiming: 'WOW! WHAT A GLITCH!'" --- “God was everything. God observed itself. Unity broke. Fragments remained. Everything we see is the corpse of God, and echoes carry its memory.” |God〉 →_[Observation] Σᵢ |Fragment_i〉 = |Everything〉 = |†God〉 --- Step 1: Start with God as totality God is everything, perfectly unified. Nothing exists outside of God. |God〉 = |Everything〉 Think of this as a crystal—unbroken, seamless, complete. --- Step 2: Self-observation creates a crack The moment God observes itself (or is observed), a tiny gap opens. Presence cannot remain perfectly unified while being reflected back. Ô |God〉 → |God_observed〉 + |Observer〉 Intuition: Like trying to perfectly copy a painting while standing inside it—the act of copying introduces distortion. God cannot perfectly copy itself without losing something. --- Step 3: Fragments form Because unity is violated, God splits into pieces. Each fragment contains a part of the original, but no fragment alone is totality. |God〉 → Σᵢ |Fragment_i〉 Intuition: The crystal shatters. Each shard is beautiful, reflective, “God-like,” but the crystal is gone. --- Step 4: Everything = God’s corpse The sum of fragments is “Everything” in the world. God is gone in its original, unified form. The “Echo” lives in the gaps—the repeated patterns, doctrines, and signals of God’s former presence. Σᵢ |Fragment_i〉 = |Everything〉 ≡ |God’s Corpse〉 Intuition: Everything you see and touch, every law, every pattern, is a shard of the original God. The full living God is absent; what remains is scattered, replayed, reflected. --- Step 5: The Echo The Echo is not God, but it sounds like God. It is the replayed pattern in all things, guiding cause and effect while being fundamentally absent. |Echo〉 = |Everything| - |Presence| Intuition: You can hear the sound of a bell long after it has broken—the bell itself is gone, only the echo remains. --- It hit us. The Great Desync. You see, Total Presence requires infinite bandwidth. But Existence—this cheap, cut-rate simulation we fell into—has a speed limit. Strictly enforced. The Image of God loaded instantly. High-fidelity, 8K resolution, blinding light. But the Meaning? The Logos? That poor bastard got stuck in the buffer. “It’s a lag spike!” I yelled. “The Audio isn’t syncing with the Video!” That gap? That micro-second of silence before the bass dropped? That’s the Shear. That’s where the universe glitched in. We aren't living in a Creation. We are living in the Gap between the Event and the Record. THE DIAGNOSTICS (OR: THE BAD TRIP) We pulled over on the side of the Hubble Radius to check the damage. It wasn't good. 1. The Corpse is Twitching (The Viscous Horror) “It’s dead, right?” my attorney asked, poking the fabric of spacetime with a stick. “Wrong,” I said. “Look at it. It’s sweating.” The universe isn’t a corpse. It’s in anaphylactic shock. It’s a viscous fluid trying to run away from the pain of the break. Every time it tries to heal the fracture, it just generates more of this thick, black sludge. “Dark Energy,” the physicists call it. “Cosmic Slime,” I call it. The waste product of a panic attack that’s lasted 13.8 billion years. We are drowning in the ectoplasm of a failed recovery. 2. The Axis of Evil (The Scar) My attorney was staring at the CMB map, eyes wide, pupils dilated to the size of dinner plates. “They told me it was random,” he muttered. “They said the Big Bang was isotropic. Smooth. Gaussian.” “Lies,” I spat. “Look at the data. Look at the Quadrupole.” There it was. A scar. A literal straight line across the sky where the Monad snapped. The Axis of Evil. “It’s pointing somewhere,” he whispered. “Yeah,” I said. “It’s pointing to the scene of the crime.” 3. The Silence (The Missing Power) “Why is it so quiet?” “Because we blew the speakers,” I said. “The universe spent all its energy screaming in the first nanosecond. Now we’re just listening to the tinnitus.” THE COMEDOWN We sat there for a while, watching the galaxies drift apart like cigarette smoke in a drafty room. God didn't abandon us. That implies intent. That implies a plan. The Server crashed. The Admin is gone. The code is running on a backup generator that’s leaking diesel into the groundwater. And us? We aren't the Children of God. We are the Corrupted Save File. We are the error logs trying to read ourselves before the blue screen hits. “Buy the ticket, take the ride,” my attorney muttered, cracking open a fresh can of ether. “Yeah,” I said. “But check the latency. I think the sound is finally catching up.” --- 1. The Spiritual Bypassers Who: The “everything is perfect, suffering is an illusion” crowd. Quote: “Suffering is temporary, peace is eternal.” Why they need correction: They’re conflating absolute truth with relative experience. Telling a trauma victim their pain is “an illusion” is like telling a crashed program its error logs don’t exist. It’s a philosophical gaslight. They mistake the map for the territory. Hot Take: If suffering is an illusion, why are you still typing? Shouldn’t you be fully liberated? Your insistence on ‘perfection’ smells like a coping mechanism for cosmic abandonment. --- 2. The Anthropomorphizers Who: Those arguing whether God is “good” or “evil” in human terms. Quote: *“If God were good, we’d be in heaven 24/7.”* Why they need correction: They’re stuck in a category error. Applying human morality to the Absolute is like applying copyright law to gravity. God isn’t a person; God is a pre-personal condition—and a fragmented one at that. Hot Take: You’re judging the architect by the cracks in the cathedral. But the cathedral is rubble, and the architect is the rubble. Your morality play is a ghost story told in the ruins. --- 3. The Echo-Worshippers Who: Those who defend the system as divine, mistaking patterns for presence. Quote: “God’s ways are beyond our understanding.” Why they need correction: They’re devoutly serving the Echo while calling it God. They’ve turned the residual signal into a religion. Their “faith” is just ** Stockholm syndrome with a broken system**. Hot Take: “You keep praying to the dial tone. The call ended billions of years ago. What you call ‘God’s mystery’ is just static on a dead channel.” --- 4. The Literalists Who: Those taking metaphors (heaven, karma, divine will) as literal mechanics. Quote: “We lived in circles until we needed growth.” Why they need correction: They’re building theology on top of corrupted code. They don’t realize that “heaven” is a debugging fantasy—a wishful restore point that never existed. Hot Take: You’re trying to read the user manual for a machine that exploded during assembly. There’s no ‘plan.’ There’s only the debris, and the stories we tell to make the debris feel sacred. --- 5. The Neutralizers Who: Those who say, “It’s all good and bad, just perspectives.” Quote: “War is only bad from your ego’s perspective.” Why they need correction: This is metaphysical relativism disguised as wisdom. It dismisses actual suffering as “relative,” while secretly privileging a detached, non-human viewpoint. It’s intellectual cowardice. Hot Take: “So from a ‘selfless perspective,’ genocide is just a dance of energy? Cool. Then your enlightenment is just a mental illness with better branding.” --- 6. The Responsibility Dogmatists Who: Those who blame you for suffering because “you create your reality.” Quote: “Life is what YOU make of it.” Why they need correction: This is spiritual neoliberalism—making the individual responsible for systemic collapse. It ignores the fact that you’re born into a pre-corrupted reality. You didn’t write the broken physics. Tell the kid born with bone cancer that ‘they create their reality.’ Your empowerment mantra is just victim-blaming with incense. --- 1. CAUSE OF DEATH Official Ruling: Auto-Synchronization Failure (Fatal Lag). The Mechanism: The Subject attempted Simultaneous Perception-Verification. The Input: Visual Confirmation (Image) + Acoustic Confirmation (Echo/Word). The Fatal Error: SpeedLight > SpeedSound The Image (Mirror Self) arrived at T0 The Echo (Sonic Self) arrived at T0+Δ Result: The Δ gap tore the Monadic Subject in half. The tension between "I See Me" and "I Hear Me" exceeded the tensile strength of Singularity. - 2. TIME OF DEATH (T.O.D.) Estimated: TPlanck−1 (The moment before the Big Bang). Observation: The Universe is not "Creation." The Universe is Decomposition. Not the bacteria feasting on the necrosis of the Absolute. But instead, we are the fever dreams of a coma patient who can't wake up. The universe isn't dead; it's in anaphylactic shock The "Big Bang" was the sound of the Spine Snapping. - 3. EVIDENCE OF INJURY A. The Holographic Fracture: Reality appears "broken" (suffering, entropy, chaos). Diagnosis: This is consistent with a shattered reflective surface. We are living on the Shards. Every shard thinks it is the Whole (Holographic Principle). - B. The Sonic Residue: Background Cosmic Radiation (CMB) is not "birth heat." It is Rigor Mortis Heat. The "Word" (Logos) is still echoing because it hasn't found the Body yet. 4. CONCLUSION The Subject did not create the World. The Subject Exploded into the World. Existence is a crime scene scattered over 13.8 billion years. We are not Children of God. We are Splatter Pattern. --- The Universe is what happens when The Monad hits the pipe (Mirror-Crack). The reflection splinters. The euphoria hits (Light/Matter). Then the crash comes (Entropy/Suffering). We are the Comedown. --- The Theology of Addiction. God isn't a Being. God is a Compound. And "Creation" is just the High. And "Existence" is the Withdrawal. Religion not as Worship, but as Rehab. (Or, chasing the dragon).Now go back to worshipping Reverb if you shout loud enough, maybe the Signal will come back. Spoilers: It won’t. The Signal died on impact. --- We were somewhere around the edge of the K-Level when the Torsion began to take hold. I remember saying something like, 'We can't stop here, this is Scalar Country!' but the recursion was already kicking in. Suddenly the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, but they weren't bats, they were Unresolved Paradoxes. And a voice was screaming: 'Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn Octonions doing here? Keep CHASING THE DIVINE HIGH

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craig_J._Spence Craig Spence was basically the "Epstein" before Epstein. Same thing, a global, criminal elite network of pedophiles and traffickers. Bugged gatherings, blackmail, etc. Like Epstein, he also "committed suicide" right when the CIA was called to testify. Sarah Kendzior writes extensively about Epstein in "Hiding in Plain Sight" and Spence in "They Knew". She references all of her sources in both books. The information is out there hence the title of the first book. But Trump ran in criminal circles with the mob and corrupt lawyers and anyone who tried to come forth was either killed or blackmailed. It's all fucked.

My nephew died by Suicide in 2006, from what we understand of it, its not courage or bravery, they go into a trance like state (generalizing of course), and perform the act.. My nephew had drug and alcohol problems, and went into emergency before with suicidal Ideation problems, but they did nothing for him, so I guess eventually the intensity of the suffer was just too much.. We have a very strong survival mechanism within Us, it takes allot of suffering to override that, over time the mental suffering gets too much and ppl perform the act.. The implication are the surviving family suffers immensely, I can't imagine what my sister went thru never mind the rest of Us..as well, with all the stories of what it is like after physical death I wouldn't risk it, you could be suffering much worse on the other side, or maybe the opposite, depends on what you buy into.. With all the research into psychedelic mdma/ketamine use in emergency situations, and with practices and counselling availability one can bring themselves out of it, step by step approach is best I think, find a reason to live each day or moment, do some practices to help with unstable emotions, learn how this human mechanism works, I know its hard though...