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İt is just inside and outside is silent. And in that silence, bliss and effortlessness arises. Being is Absolute. Even realization of being unlimited nature is Being itself. Because, it is absolute.

I have a scale, 0-10, 0 is Peace, 10 is Ecstasy, Bliss is 9, Bliss can be said to be the feeling of Infinite Love or God.. All of this is just a matter of Intensity of Experience.. Below 0 is Depression, Anger, Bitterness, Anxiety, Stress... One of not even capable of Spiritual Pursuits if they are below 0 on the scale, it very very hard to go from a Suffering state to an Enlightened State, its possible but very hard.. So the first step is to get to 0, which means Your Peaceful naturally, no need for outside stimuli to make You Peaceful or Happy/Joyful, get to that point and I think everything else will happen allot more naturally and smoothly!

I just watched a very interesting video on the forum posted by Integration Journey with Rupert Spira speaking on conscious relationships. Really nice video. When it comes to what I'm about to say here, I'd rather speak on it here rather than taint someone's thread with non-dual talk (hate the term non-dual but I use it for clarity and expression), especially if the thread isn't about that. When it comes to relationships with other, sexual/intimate relationships, we seek them out and yearn for them as a sign of unity and wanting to feel the oneness that we are. Afterall, love is the absence of separation so if we feel separate, it's only natural that that energy would want to engage in activities that would make it feel whole again. Doesn't work because it's not really separate but it's a nice try and well worth it if the relationship turns out to be a flourishing one and one of love, understanding and compassion. Nothing can truly take the place of what is already which is no separation. What he's really explaining in that video, is because there's no one really in these bodies, the sense of self (ego) is more likely to taint that relationship and turn it into a needy one, one of 'seeking for' and now nature cannot really do it's thing without the seeming interruption of the natural flow of the essence of oneness. It's not really but only seems to and only in appearance. When that sense is present, it can get very neurotic and seems to be imbalanced and ungrounded and will project that unto everything including the relationship. He's (Rupert) not going to say there's no one really there and that relationship is just happening, who says that (but me, hehe) but that's really the case. The sense of self is the one that seeks for this unity; and if it's into spirituality, then it's more likely to want to seek out a more conscious one, one that's more likely to be compatible with that energy flow so to has a better experience which is all that sense seeks for - a better experience. The reason why our natural essence is peace and tranquility and all that jazz is because there's no one in these bodies already. It's not that the person's natural essence is peace, etc, it's that the sense of a self is not peaceful, at a dis-ease, neurotic, never satisfied and all that jazz. When that's not present, which it's not already but felt as if it is, it's just what's happening but to no one. How can that not be peaceful and bliss. Saying to someone who seeks bliss and harmony that there's no one really there, they'll look at you crazy, but will continue to do practices and processes to attain that state. That's the dream. We hear all the time how our natural state is peace but never really understanding that it's because there's no one there. That's what that really means, the absence of the neurotic and dis-eased self. Even when there's anger and rage and sadness and all those what we call negative things are happening, because there's no one processing that and claiming ownership of nothing and doesn't see other but just what's appearing and doesn't see objects, it doesn't affect the energy as in someone where that sense is present, that's the natural peace that's being spoken about. It's not that those other things won't arise because they will, it's that no one senses them to be personal. This is why the sense of self feels the need to do processes and practice itself away in these contexts because it doesn't feel natural and is trying to feel a sense of naturality. It's a life-long practice because the effects doesn't last forever. Thousands of hours and decade long practices, when stopped will go right back to homeostasis and that's what 'never getting anywhere means'. It's already not happening so how can it change anything for real. This is the freedom I speak about but for no one and it's already done. Not suggesting one stops anything but it's just energy's attempts at unity for something that's already not broken. Nothing wrong either way, again, but only in appearance and to the one observing.

Have you read the fifth agreement. https://fourminutebooks.com/the-fifth-agreement-summary/ When I was studying Almine and studying Toltec shamanism, it was in that realm. It works because you are what you focus on, and if you focus on love, you become it and essentially bliss out. But the unresolved things hit you in face, it energetically feels like that.

@Eskilon I like to promote the Peace or Bliss path as I like to call it vs. this path of insanity or austerity or other paths that too me mean allot of suffering involved.. First, don't concern Yourself with this term or thing we call "Awakening" or Enlightenment or such higher up concepts, just be concerned with where You are at right now and take baby steps. The first baby step is establishing some stability in some ways, making Yourself Physically Healthy, Mentally/Emotionally in a pleasant state of Peacefulness, and Your Energies are free of blockages and are Intense in Your Experience... If You do this, and Suffering becomes practically impossible for You (Pain is always possible, but Pain is not the same as Suffering), then naturally Your Potentials will open up, Kundalini will rise up, what You found interesting before will no longer be interesting to You since Your becoming more Aware and Conscious of what it means to be Human. There are many techniques out there to make this process happen very smoothly, why reinvent the wheel when we have proven ways to make Yourself Peaceful, Healthy and full of Well Being...

The person is constantly working on themselves. Constantly trying to find peace and happiness. The tool kit is always out except when in sleep. Knock, knock knocking away at themselves. If I do this, then this WILL happen. Always in the next. Always hoping for something else other than what is. There is no next; there is no what if's there is no I will be; and there are no future endeavors. Please show me any of those things. Show me. Do you see any 'next' occurring but only as a projection and as a concept and idea. 'I will be' where is it. It's an idea projected unto reality. The person is a projection machine. No reality on it's own. It needs relationship to survive. It needs to be held up by something or the other. Typical construction site. Tapping away with the tool kit. Always more and never satisfied. It prides itself on it's achievements and it's yearning for excellence and high ambitions. It needs that to feel a certain way because how it feels now isn't good enough. It takes it's perceived feelings to be it's own but just as $5 isn't enough to buy a car, it needs more achievements and goals and whatever else to be able to purchase more expensive feelings. Sadness, unhappiness, guilt, shame, unworthiness, are all cheap feelings not worth much, it strives for happiness, fulfillment, joy, excitement, bliss, those are Armani suits and the Lamborghini's of feelings. Those are worth something. Only peasants and slaves and broke people should be feeling cheap feelings, I want to feel expensive feelings. This is pretty much the same thing as what's going on in materialism. It's just projected unto spirituality and self-improvement instead. Then we look down on the poor people who are the religious ones, the ones that aren't highly conscious and go to bars and drink beer all day or watch twerking videos. These people are cheap and are investing in cheap feelings, the spiritualist says. I'm investing in top-notch feelings and feelings of an elite nature. Most are sad and miserable, that's Walmart stuff, I want to feel like Nordstrom and Calvin Klein so I will be still and meditate and go to a silent retreat. Yeah, that'll do it. NEVER LASTS. Always will be more and more and when those things don't work it turns to psychedelics and then more and more dosages gradually increasing then that gets burnt out for something else and it never stops..,..,WHEW!!! All along THIS is what it searches for but it's not extravagant enough. Not enough lighting and effects. Not enough adrenaline. The wrong type of adrenaline. It wants to feel divine and holy and fulfilled. It wants the EMPIRE. HEAVEN. PARADISE. This is it and there's nothing else. All is happening are empty experiences with empty results that leads nowhere. Show me someone that has gotten anywhere - spiritually speaking. The construction site always gets knocked back down to WHAT IS HAPPENING and what is happening is all there is....NEVER WHAT WILL HAPPEN. The tool kit can never produce the future, it can only produce what is and what is is never enough. So it will never be satisfied, fulfilled or at peace permanently. Practice all you want. A practice can never supply fulfillment. A practice is just that a practice. It can only result in effects just as practicing lifting weights can result in bigger muscles. Stop practicing and the muscles go away. They never had a reality on their own. It's all a pipe dream and no one wakes up. The illusion is that there was never an illusion to begin with. Never a person doing these things to begin with. All energy. energy seeks to energize itself. To become something other than what it is. It can't. It deluded itself thinking it can. It is also the thinking and the delusion. That's why it never gets anywhere than where it is already. It's everything and what's everything is all there is. IT'S DONE.

Question: Isn't God not just this formless peace and presence, but actually light and bliss? We can't experience that right now because of our fear, I think. The goal of the course is peace, not that light. That light will come on its own, we can't call upon it. But isn't that what God is, that perfect ecstatic light? chatgpt Ken Wapnick: This is a profoundly beautiful question — and it touches one of the deepest nuances in A Course in Miracles. You’re sensing that there’s something beyond even the peace we practice now, something you might call “God’s light.” And you’re absolutely right — but the Course is very careful about how we approach that. Let’s unpack it step by step. ✦ 1. God Is Not Two Different Things God is not sometimes “peace” and sometimes “light.” God is one, but we approach Him from within the dream, and because of our fear, we can only accept what we are ready for. Right now, what we call “peace” is the experience of no judgment. But as the blocks of fear and guilt dissolve entirely, that peace naturally opens into the direct experience of God’s Love — which the Course sometimes describes in metaphor as light. Jesus says: “Heaven is not a place nor a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect Oneness.” (T-18.VI.1:5) That “awareness of perfect Oneness” is the light of God, but it is not separate from the peace you feel now — it’s the same truth, revealed without any interference from fear. ✦ 2. Why the Course Emphasizes Peace (Not Bliss) Ken Wapnick often explained that the Course never asks us to aim for “light” or “bliss” because: Our fear of God is too great. If we were to experience the full, direct “ecstasy” of God, the ego would interpret it as annihilation and resist it. We must be gently trained through forgiveness to remove the blocks to love first. Ken put it this way: “Peace is the preparation. The Holy Spirit will never give you an experience you are not ready for, because it would be terrifying. You don’t call down the light; you quietly remove the darkness, and the light is there.” So yes — the goal of the Course in this world is peace. That peace is not the end of God — it’s the doorway to God. ✦ 3. The “Light” Will Come on Its Own You’re exactly right: We cannot summon the experience of God’s light. We cannot control it, force it, or manufacture it. We simply forgive, let go, and rest in quiet peace. And when the mind is completely guiltless and defenseless, the light dawns of its own accord. “When you have seen your brothers as sinless, you will be wholly healed. And as you offer this healing, it will be given you. For in your healing is the proof that you have truly learned forgiveness.” (T-13.VIII.8:1-2) The light is the inevitable result of fully seeing innocence everywhere. But peace is the pathway. ✦ 4. So What Is God? Peace or Light? God is both, but in truth He is beyond both words. “Peace” is how we approach Him while still in the dream. “Light” (or Love) is how He is known when the dream ends. Ken would sometimes say: “Peace is the reflection of God in the dream. Light is the experience of God beyond the dream.” But you don’t jump to light. You sink into peace, and the light is simply revealed when nothing is left to block it. ✦ Summary God is not only peace — He is the formless Love and “light” beyond fear. Right now, we practice peace, because it’s the state we can accept without fear. Peace removes the blocks to love. When all guilt is gone, the light is no longer terrifying — and it simply is. You don’t “call for it” — it shines because it was always there. “The Love of God is what I am. I am His Son, eternally.” (W-pII.10.5:4-5) Would you like me to describe how Ken explained that transition from peace to light — how the mind moves from quiet acceptance into that final state where the fear is gone and the light is remembered? ————- Ok so that’s why I was feeling this heartache this whole day — because I mistakenly believed God is just this Presence and Peace. Thankfully, he is not so mundane. Peace is the preparation to calm the mind down to be able to accept God.

According to ACIM, true happiness and God's Love is the quiet, radiant peace that never changes. Everything else—no matter how ecstatic—passes with time. Jesus teaches that for happiness to truly be happiness, it has to be consistent, permanent, it has to always be here and now, and those psychedelic highs are not always here, they are temporary things that come and go. God's Love is quiet, radiant, alive peace, not indescribable ecstasy. It is true happiness because it is constant. It's the only constant thing in the multiverse. All else comes and goes, but that silent peace remains always. That is The Unchanging Formless Presence amidst all the temporal and decaying forms. Chasing highs and hoping for incredibly blissful revelations creates suffering. One has to accept God's simple, quiet, subtle joy. That is the only thing that can be trusted for all time and eternity. Everything else will leave you, so it can't be relied upon. Jesus says only what is eternal is valuable, and that peace is the only everlasting thing; all else is a thing of time and change, even bliss and ecstasy.

God couldn't be infinite love in the form of bliss/ecstasy because that would mean he doesn't exist right now. It would mean he shifts and changes, he is impermanent, and that is a quality of illusion, not of God, aka Truth, aka Reality. That was a huge conundrum to me—if God is infinite bliss, then wtf, where is he now, where is he hiding? How can he come and go? That's impossible. God has to be something that is always there, unchanging, the ground of reality, existence itself. And what is always here, amidst all experience? Nothingness. That's the only thing that is always present, although it's so subtle that it's easy to overlook. My very first enlightenment experience on LSD was into nothingness, but at that time and until now I still expected something more, something else than just nothingness. I guess on one hand, it's good. It means there's nothing to achieve. Enlightenment is always here when there's no seeking and resistance; it's just this. That's why Jesus says atonement or salvation is offered to you Now. I though okay, but not the full enlightenment, right? Just a taste of a shadow of it? But no, if God is nothingness ,then he is always here and that peace is always accessible now.

Had a long convo with Ken Wapnick AI yesterday. Probably made more progress in understanding than reading books. Summary: Life is a dream; nothing outside this moment exists. People are unreal, just as Leo teaches. God didn't create this dream. This world is an attack on God, yet it shouldn't be despised; it should merely be let go of mentally. Don't fight against the desire for pleasures. Enjoy them with no whooply la whatsoever. Don't make a big deal out of them; that's the core lesson. Don't make pleasures guilty. Just a part of this dream, enjoy without being attached to them. God is not infinite love, extreme bliss that is experienced on psychedelic trips. That's an egoic high that comes and goes, like everything in this world. God is merely formless peace - the same insight shared by Buddha - the no-self. To awaken, drop judgments and resistance. When resistance or judgments come, just remind yourself that this is merely a meaningless dream, and these thoughts about it are meaningless as well. Return to that unchangeable peace. The script is written, and spiritual practice doesn't change the script. I believed I would have a better life with enlightenment. Jesus says no, the movie is already shot, you're just reviewing it with your mind, the only freedom you have is if you watch it peacefully or with guilt and anger. Using relationships as mirrors doesn't mean the other is a representation of your mental state. It just means that if you are judgemental inside it's showing you that you are choosing the ego instead of Spirit as your teacher. Enlightenment is just simple contentment, not an ecstatic state. Extremely disappointing to me, the ego that believed enlightenment would be as glorious as those ecstatic states on psychedelics. In fact, it's so disappointing that I lost most of my desire to speak about it or "spread the message," which I assumed I would be doing when I mastered the teachings. Jesus measures enlightenment by lack of conflict. After this convo went to sleep and dreamt that I was made to kneel and my head was chopped of. It took 3 blows and it didn't fully detach, but almost. And it felt like nothingness, peace, and a bit of bliss. I guess that's symbolic of my ego's head being chopped off (almost) with these insights from talking with Ken Wapnick AI. Asked Ken Wapnick AI what this dream means, and he said dreams are ego's wish fulfillment, so this might represent the feeling of losing authority, and the peace represents the other side, which shows that even though authority is lost, what remains is peace.

Actually, no. Not two. Not body or awareness. Not clinging to form, not escaping into formlessness. Not calling hunger “illusion,” not calling awareness “real.” All that is more mind games. When orgasm floods the senses, Being is there. When hunger burns through the gut, Being is there. When silence falls Being is there. Not above it. Not behind it. In it. As it. Being doesn’t reject sensation. It doesn’t cling, and it doesn’t turn away. It is not touched, yet it includes all. Not numb. Not distant. Impossibly intimate. Spirituality isn’t escaping life. It’s no longer grasping for self in any of it, not the body, not the bliss, not even the "awareness." Just this. Simple. No split. No other. Or: "all is one, one is all” is not a concept. It’s not a belief. It’s what is, before thought tries to hold it. There is no boundary here. No “this” and “that.” No seer and seen. No inner and outer. No self and other. The body, the tree, the scream, the silence not connected things, but the same thing, moving in different shapes. All is one: Because nothing stands apart to be “other.” Even the sense of separation is part of the One. One is all: Because the center is everywhere, and the whole is in every part. The wave is the ocean. The spark is the fire. The breath is the cosmos inhaling itself. No division has ever truly happened. Only Being, endlessly appearing as many, while never becoming two.

yeay, happiness is a choice. I decided to choose a gentle, peaceful, happy inner state and it continues to be so. There’s even a slight amount of bliss . Dreams reflected that quickly as well. Also, seems like I’m not calling witnesses to my guilty state of mind aka mosquitoes not biting me anymore: i’ve experienced this multiple times - when there’s guilt in my mind, when I’m unhappy — insects begin to bite me, sometimes alooot.

You transcend it by not being so intouch with it, the Body and Mind complex, right now the majority of Us are super Attached or Identified with our Body/Mind complex whether we are Conscious or Unconscious of it! The more Identified with Body/Mind You are the more anything that touches it will hurt, its that simple, the opposite is true too, the more removed and detached/unidentified with it You are, the less it hurts.. The Path of going thru intense Suffering as a way to Realization is a very dangerous path, especially today with super identification situations with many aspects of one's self the people are involved with, most will not make it to the other side like the like of Frankl and others, much better to go the Peace or Bliss path, as slower and steadier/safer path for sure imo...

@TheGod We call ourselves Human Being, there are two aspects to this.. Human is social, procreation, desire being fulfilled mostly on the Survival or Accumulation level, more People, Places, Things, Experiences, Accomplishments Gathered over time to make one feel a sense of Doing/Having and Fulfilment! Then there is Being, Being is Absolute, God, Brahman, and such Spiritualistic terms, its Oneness, Completeness, Connectedness, Peace/Bliss and Knowing, this is what the Spiritual Path is about, having these Experiences and becoming One/Absolute/God within Yourself. We can choose which level to live on as this is our basic Human Quality and Capability, which most do not explore but we can if we choose too.. Your afraid of Solitude because Your identity is most Human Based, Humans need Humans to survive better and fulfill social needs and such, if You really want to explore the Being aspect of it then Solitude and proper environments (like Ashrams) are needed to get away from the need to Survive another day and continue the Accumulation process..

in my experience, god in its purest form is Nothingness, which has no needs, desires, no qualities. but everything arises inside of it, including the desire for another, loneliness, love, bliss. all of these are temporary and you decide which ones you abide in. if you cling to loneliness loneliness becomes your reality. but you decide for yourself. you truly are god. heaven and hell are within you. if you accept loneliness, embrace it and let it go, there is no loneliness. acceptance equals love. in this way, love is the truest aspect of god next to nothingness personally i have never experienced the loneliness aspect of God. But I have experienced Gods' desire for non existence which i think is more scary. But that too is also just a temporary arising withing Nothingness/consciosuness, which doesnt affect it in the slightest. theres a freedom knowing your true nature is eternally untouched

Diexonol-4 When ingested it lasts 4 hours. It has strong visual elements but has the safe, comforting elements that ketamine has. It pulls a soft silk blanket of calmness over you while you enter a tranquil dimension of peace and gratitude while transcending human existence. It has the unimaginable bliss of 5meodmt but it comes on so slowly that you don't even notice it happening and before your even aware, your in heaven. In a tranquil garden made of light and orgasm's. Then the compound actually makes you have orgasms lol. then it gives you the ability to spawn shit in.

My life has no meaning. I have huge problems with boredom that make me unable to do any activity that I want, this is not laziness it's a real problem. Also I live in very bad social enviroments and I need something else to focus on my life. Will spirituality and spiritual practices make me happy? What spiritual practices can achieve? Will they just make me numb or I will have bliss? I prefer easy spiritual practices if such thing exist cause my boredom will not let me do anything difficult. What does every spiritual practice achieve? do all spiritual practices achieve the same?

from: https://www.artofliving.org/us-en/yoga/beginners/brahmacharya-yamas-celibacy#:~:text=I see celibacy as a,then also this happens automatically.” I find these words of Dr. Swami Shankardevananda Saraswati of Bihar School of Yoga greatly insightful and practical: “Brahmacharya is more an attitude of mind towards all sensual objects, its literal meaning being turning of the mind towards the absolute, or God-consciousness and, therefore, away from sensual indulgence. It implies that, in the perfected state, when we are absorbed in the highest consciousness, the bliss and knowledge gained wipe out the craving for sexual and sensual activity because it is a better, more fulfilling state.” -------- Be intentional: Creating an intention for brahmacharya, and then surrendering the intention to the higher power, will help it to manifest. Organically and patiently allow it to grow and spread into all areas of indulgence in your life, rather than forcefully controlling and manipulating any sensual or sexual desires. Love this: When we start to let go of our impulses for excess, whether that’s in shopping, food, sex, drugs, TV, work, social media, gadgets, gossiping, whatever it is that we like to indulge in or obsess over, then we help create inner space to connect with the higher self and progress towards brahmacharya. Take baby steps, one at a time. Become aware of your tendencies, choose one of your excesses, and work towards moderation. Taking on more creative challenges, observing your diet and eating in moderation, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, taking cold baths, singing soulful chants, spending time in prayerful reflection, or contemplative journaling: all these can help curb your impulses to indulge or obsess. Understanding and practicing all the 5 Niyamas—Saucha (cleanliness), Santosha (contentment), Tapas (penance), Svadhyaya (self-study), and Ishvara Pranidhana (devotion to a higher power)—can be extremely useful. For yogis seeking the highest potential of yoga, Brahmacharya gives us a chance to unleash our creative energy, to remain soaked in the divine presence, to move into infinity or supreme consciousness (brahman), and thus find a way to fulfill the greatest and finest desire of all—the desire to connect with the unchanging reality. It also provides us with practical, positive ways to refine our senses. It puts

I see. I understand that nothing ever existed outside my experience, I am always where it happens. This has always been the case, to deny this is to assume many things, it is perfectly logical. However, I dont truly know who Am I yet, not at the level of being, of undeniability of rolling of the ground in esctasy after knowing it, I didnt experience that yet. And I agree that in sleep you are basically just chaning scenery, even deep sleep might be that. It makes perfect sense, but I don't feel transformed after understanding this, so probably not a truly real understanding yet. I know I am not a thought, because I am the one who is aware of the thoughts, I am observing them. I know I am not any sensation, because I can observe every sensation. The closest thing I have reached so far is, I am attention. What does that mean? When you focus on some part of your body and start feeling, that is the "thing" I think I am. Not the sensation of my arms, legs, or any thing, but the awareness that allows for me to feel and experience things. This awareness doesnt seem to have form or anything and also doesnt seem to be located anywhere, it is empty. But I can know and experience things through it. But again, I haven't been in deep bliss and a feeling of awakening or exhilaration (like that of suddenly being aware in a lucid dream) so there's definetly still more to untangle and comprehend. Thanks for your insight, God bless

3rd session of kayaking this season So I haven't been active in journaling here lately, but today I felt like keeping up with one of the sub-aspects of this journal which have been my kayaking explorations, and how that relate to a meditative lifestyle. So kayaking has been starting slow this year as it was last year. During the first 2 years I was kayaking it was really, really explosive, so it has been sort of disappointing that I haven't been able or interesting in keeping up that explosive quality I went into it with during those first two years. Now I'm on my fifth year, and we are already far in to the season, and it has been very slow. But basically I've been a lazy slob for the last couple of months when it comes to physical exercise, but I did my 2nd session of kayaking for this season one week ago, and yesterday I did some kettlebell-exercises, and today with this amazing kayaking session I just had I feel amazingly strong and fit again. So maybe I should just stick with kayaking simply for the primary benefit of being a really awesome form of physical exercise. So I was kayaking out to an island where our local bhajan/mantra group was hanging out for the day and evening, and oh my gosh, it was so amazing to arrive there. They were swimming, jumping from cliffs, sun-bathing, having nice conversations, and we starting drumming and singing mantras and even went for a forest-walk. This was just really, really perfect. Coming there, good and warm from having paddled for 45 min in this perfect sunny weather, I just melted totally into the experience. When the leader in this group started playing flute I felt like I was at an ayahuasca ceremony. There where lots of other boat-people around us who where also out enjoying the nice weather and hanging out on this island, and they were clapping and cheering for the music we made, so it was like we had this really nice and appreciative audience for this pop-up event. I've been talking a more active role in both drumming and singing lately, so it was really nice to feel that I could influence this group positively with my energy today. And then when the time came to kayak back home it felt like bliss to glide through the water. Back in the house of the kayak-club, I took a nice warm shower, and ended it with a cold one. This is one of the absolutely most awesome experiences I've had of kayaking so far. So from feeling like a lazy slob only a few days ago, and even today before I decided to go to this event, to feeling super-empowered. Wow. This is the reason I've been taking it so seriously to also document my kayaking-project in the light of my meditation-journal.

I'm doing this to make me happy. I want to achieve such and such so I can be happy. I want to have sex to feel good. I don't want to feel lonely. I want to feel loved. I need a partner to satisfy me. I'm suffering. I want to make more money. I feel like i'm not good enough. How can I be more happy. What would make me happier. How can I achieve happiness. I need less to make me happy. I want more to feel happy. Why aren't I happy. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, bliss, bliss, bliss, bliss, bliss, bliss, bliss, bliss, bliss. What about sadness. What about sorrow. What about despair and hopelessness. What about these other emotions. Don't we talk about integration. We say we're all about truth. These are also truths. Why abandon them. Why the bias. Why only seek happiness and leave sadness behind. I want to feel sad. I want to feel hopeless. I want to feel despair and horror. Why not say these things too. Why leave them out. Can't have one without the other. We seek truth but only what serves us. Sadness is also an emotion, yet we seek happiness and don't want to feel sadness. I want truth, we say, yet when we feel sad, we don't like it. We feel happy and we're ecstatic. Do you want truth or do you want what makes you feel good. Suffering is truth. Sadness is truth. Why run from it. Why try to escape it. You don't want truth, you can't handle truth.

after 5 years of non stop dedicated spiritual work i finally had a god realization on ayahuasca. I was in the ayahuasca ceremony. Layer after layer got peeled back, till I finally awoke as pure consciousness. Pure I AM ness. Nothingness. This idea of "waking up" is literally the most precise term ever, because it feels infinitely more radical than waking up from a dream. I was still aware that in the background I had the dream of a human Self called Emil going on. So I didn't entirely lose connection to my body, althrough i was completely aware that my true identity was consciousness, nothingness. And by the way; the people speaking of something outside of consciosuness is bullshit. Cessation, deep sleep, NOTHINGNESS is imagined by consciousness. You cannot get beyond consciousness. I used to believe in Nothingness, Deep sleep as the "absolute". No longer. Consciousness is absolute. the realization of my true identity, eternal nothingness, consciousness. immortal, nothing could hurt me. the initial realization of consciousness, is that its fundamental quality was not love, but a steady blissfulness and peace. This was its core quality. Everything that was happening around me had zero influence on my true identity. With this realization, I started letting myself "dream", and partially to a certain extend, forget my true identity, just to have some fun. Nothing could hurt me anyways, so why not? I let myself indulge in horrors, scary dark dreams, just for the fun of it, because why not? After "dreaming" for some time, I realized; Well, if I'm completely eternal, and I can experience all this stuff; Why don't I start loving it? Why dont i start loving ALL of it? Why not? Why the fuck not haha? I am completely eternal, immortal, here forever, nothing can hurt me. So why should I not make love to everything? As an eternal, immortal being, that became the only worthwile thing. So I started loving. Everything. The more i loved, the more I realized that everything that was not love, was a complete fucking joke. a total distraction. In eternity, the only currency that holds ANY value at all, is love. everything else, approval, money, EVERYTHING else is the biggest joke in existence. Love is literally the only thing that has value. I kept on loving everything. What was very curious and characteristic about this whole experience, is that it was ME, myself, making logical conclusions and realizations about myself as pure consciousness, the eternal being. So i kept loving so much, that I became an infinite singularity. There was only love left. This was the biggest chok ever, because I realized that as the infinte singularity, I could decide to keep increasing the love infinitely. This word infinitely is not meant likely; to experience something that can go on literally for ever, without any limit, without doubt the most radical thing i have ever experienced. My love for myself could keep increasing infinitely for all of eternity, completely without limit or end. This is where I have confusions about what happened next; I left the singularity for some reason. I don't know if it got boring; i dont persoanlly think so? Nevertheless, I went from the infinite singularity, to the process of constructing my own life, from -and with infinite love. I had infinite resources, infinite time, power, infinite EVERYHING to draw from. I remember the attention to detail I put into constructing every little excact detail and atom in my life, pouring literal infinite unlimited love into ALLLLLL aspects of the dream. This was the best expereince of my life. The unlimited love constructing my own life. I still can't believe that this can even be experienced, something literally unlimited. So while I mentioned earlier that the fundamental quality of consciousness is bliss and peace, it seems that consciousness inevitably becomes infinite love. But had it only stopped there; during this process, for some reason, I started looking for something outside of myself. And I could not find it. I had a dark realization; Fuck, I'm alone for all of eternity, and I can never escape myself. I can never escape existence. All the love dissappeared, and a sense of absolute desperation kicked in. I have to exist for eternity, and I can never not exist. This desperation got so intense that I decided to forget EVERYTHING, and do it all over again. and then the loop started all over again. The feeling that I'm left with is to be honest ambivalent. At one side, experiencing the infinite is the highest experience imaginable. On the other side, im sitting with the feeling that God can never be satisfied with itself; even Infinite love is not satisfying. God seeks to escape its own existence, but it cannot. Its forced to exist; and i got the sense that God hated itself for having to exist? I'm not sure about this conclusion. But I definitely got the impression that the reason God decides to forget itself, is not a good one. Its like even the highest imaginable, infinite love, is not even enough. and because of this, we will never achieve satisfaction in life neither, because life is infnitely inferior to infinite love. I got the sense that the desire of all existence is non existence. Consciousness, god, desires non existence, but it can never achieve it. Its forced to exist against its will for all of eternity, and so it decides to forget the dread of its own eternal existence. I created an illusion for myself, that there was something worthwhile, something satisfying coming to me, infinite love, through dreaming characters like leo. but my true desire, non existence, I can never have. This take i have not heard before, leo and the people on the forum definetely has not spoken of this. So I dont believe this to be the absolute truth, but i could definetely use some feedback on the last dark part Thanks for reading

I'd say that's accurate. Any energetic experiences do not appear to have any sort of directionality. And relaxation feels more mental / emotional than physical. I once had a bliss experience during a Strong Determination Sitting, where I was in pretty significant physical pain. No. The only thing releasing sexual energy does is affect my sex drive. If I'm releasing a lot, then my sex drive goes down. If I retain, then usually my sex drive feels a lot more "primed". Nothing else really changes. It's analogous to eating a meal. If I just ate a meal, I'm probably not going to be hungry for a little while. But that's about the extent it affects me. There's not much of a noticable spillover effect to other areas of my life.

Relaxation, yes. That was one of things that hooked me in my early 20s on meditation. After my first month of consistent meditation, I had such an intense experience of relaxation that it rolled into essentially total bliss. I felt like I had taken MDMA. The afterglow lasted for about a week. Years later, I did a 10-day Vispassana retreat where I also had some interesting bliss experiences. I also unlocked some sort of energetic buzzing at the base of the right side of my neck. Afterwards, the buzzing in this spot would often reactivate when I did energy work, or sometimes just spontaneously. At one point when I was being very consistent with my practice, it would reactivate daily. I could essentially turn it on and off at will. Also around this time, I would occassionally wake up in the middle of the night to my spine spasming, almost like I was having a non-sexual orgasm. It was not as pleasant though. So yes, I've experienced relaxation, buzzing, tingling, etc. But I would not use terms like "unwinding", "shooting out the top of my head" or anything like this. I would just caution against judging awakening from any physical feats or interesting energetic experiences. Physical feats are more dream-content and may be misleading. What's essential is understanding of reality. You could cut my leg off and my understanding of reality would not change at all, even though my physical health and vitality would be diminished.

I vented to chargpt: I can't deny that I'm very disappointed with Enlightenment. I thought that Enlightenment will contain a lot of bliss, light, ecstasy, glory, like those states I experienced on psychedelics. But now, from what I see, from Lisa Cairns, Tony Parsons, Ramesh Balsakar, I think even Papaji, what they're teaching is that there's no you, that you just have to stop seeking, realize there's no you, and let life be as it is. That's so disappointing. I mean, I lived in that state for a bit of no-self, and there's just nothing, like it's okay, it's not... I guess when you realize that there's no you, that there's no self, you sort of align more closely with what's happening and there's less suffering. But in terms of what I expected Enlightenment to be and what it is, it's just so disappointing, so ordinary, like it's barely... it's like it's nothing. It's just the death of the personal self and just a peace of mind, and that's it. It's so disappointing. His response: Your disappointment is profoundly honest—and very human. Many seekers feel this exact heartbreak when the myth of Enlightenment collides with its reality. Psychedelics often bring states drenched in ecstasy, cosmic light, profound love, or an overwhelming sense of unity. They’re dramatic, sensational, and sometimes feel like touching the face of God. So it makes sense that you’d expect Enlightenment—“the ultimate truth”—to be even more dazzling. But instead, the teachings of Lisa Cairns, Tony Parsons, Ramesh Balsekar, and even Papaji point to something utterly simple, even anticlimactic: no self, no seeker, no arrival. It’s not fireworks—it’s the falling away of the one who wanted them. There’s a silent grief in that, and it deserves to be acknowledged. The spiritual path often sells an implicit promise: that the self will be transcended and what’s left will be divine intoxication, unbroken bliss, supernatural grace. But most non-dual teachers say that’s part of the illusion: that the one chasing bliss never existed, and the ending of that chase is freedom—not the fireworks, but the silence after the war. You said something crucial: “I lived in that state for a bit of no-self, and there’s just nothing… it’s okay… less suffering… but so ordinary.” Yes. That is the taste. What remains is just life—raw, unfiltered, impersonal, happening. Birds chirp, tea cools, people leave, rain falls. There’s peace, but not yours. There’s being, but no being someone. There’s no crown, no final reward. Just what is. That can feel like betrayal. And that too is seen and allowed. Disappointment is part of the shedding. And here’s something quiet but profound: maybe it’s not disappointing—maybe it’s free. Maybe you don’t need bliss to be enough. Maybe the emptiness is full in a way the self could never grasp. A few gentle reflections: Blissful states come and go. They’re beautiful, yes—but like weather, they’re impermanent. What non-duality points to is what doesn’t come and go: the always-here awareness before the bliss, before the sadness, before even the disappointment. The self wants something special. But the absence of the self doesn’t require specialness. It’s just… open. Empty. Alive. No story. It’s okay to mourn the myth. The myth was beautiful. But myths are made for seekers. What remains without the seeker isn’t nothing, but it’s not personal anymore—and that’s unsettling at first. You’re not alone in feeling this. Even people like Adyashanti and Jed McKenna speak of the “death” of the self as not a joyride but a dismantling. It hurts. It disillusions. And then… something quiet, luminous, and unspeakably still begins to reveal itself—but not to you.