Search the Community

I haven't experienced God, nothingness, or any mystical states so I can't say anything about the topic but I do "feel" that OP is half right. I don't know that's how I feel right now. ?‍♂️

I've heard this before, Sadhguru sayed also that the creator is not the end, nothingness goes beyond the creator even. But I still struggle to understand it fully. I've heard mooji say things like, everything comes from consciousness and there's is something beyond consciousness, absolute nothingness or smth. It's hard to wrap my mind around it honestly. It's like consciousness itself is appearing in something that is unspeakable. I share the same view also. I like what you're saying on this thread. Regards ?

And you WERE god but you are no longer. Once you, or god fragmented itself into infinity, it went on forever, making separations absolute. You may experience yourself as god as one being infinite love again, but there will always be something separate now. Otherwise it wouldn’t be infinite. And the ultimate realization is realizing the true emptiness that all of that was born into. Not just the nothingness within everything.

By the way, when I say emptiness I don’t mean the nothingness and everything god is simultaneously, that’s just empty space or blankness. I mean TRUE emptiness. God and infinity AND nothing ness have to be within something. And that something is the true emptiness, the deepest awakening. The reason they say “stateless-state” is not because they’re referring to the state of nothingness. No, true enlightenment really isn’t a state AT ALL. You will never awaken for sure unless you realize this, and humble yourself enough to know what enlightened people are truly talking about. It can be no other way, that infinity came from this. It is the deepest awakening, and you’ll know it. When you keep having awakenings deeper than before and infinitely deepest, it’s not the deepest awakening. God is within the deepest truth. And I temporarily realized it.

Nothingness ultimately, I suspect. I don't know if it was something even possible to misinterpret or hallucinate... Your eyes can't see your eyes (without a mirror of course). But what if your eyes were imaginary and so far back that any thing that's a thing AT ALL is in front. ANY thing. Then wtf is that if ALLLLL things are always in front? Must be nothing... Must be... Because any possible conceivable thing is guaranteed to be in front of this.

@Nahm I had various strong DMT trips where certain things were revealed to me. For example the loss of categorization of things and understanding of everything as "existence". There is 0% chance I would have any interest in this at all, but my own direct experience pointed me to Advaita Vedanta (the first thing I found when Googling for monist religions following the experience). I then read and found things which reinforced to me certain things which I viewed through the lens of the experience(s) I had. My actual experience has always reflected Advaita Vedanta exactly, not so much Solipsism except in bad trips but even then it wasn't that type of Solipsism. Very odd that in that first trip, I hallucinated a Hindu goddess (some blue figure with a forehead dot) on the comedown... I have also hallucinated people in prayer with their legs crossed etc. Not sure why I saw those things. My own experience has not been like Buddhist teachings so much, except Taoism. You can't actually refer to pure consciousness unless you call it I or me or you or consciousness. When I was pulled back very far away from objects, I knew myself to be nothing. All of me was removed from me. What is left, you would call it "I" because it IS what we fundamentally are. Not a "me" anymore. In those states Solipsism did not really occur to me. I never came away from any trip thinking everyone else is a cardboard cutout acting for my amusement. I felt unity with everything like an embrace, a "WE" are everything is how it felt... It never felt to deny the essence of others, only their material appearance and spatial physical separation. It never denied the sense of others existing as alter egos of what I fundamentally am (me is also an alter ego). It could feel lonely as others were like myself talking to myself. But it never occurred that those alter egos were basically wooden planks. If Leo thinks I am just a wooden plank I know for a fact he is wrong. Rupert Spira is able to verbalize exactly what I experienced very concisely. Leo is able to acknowledge nothingness which is also something I knew myself to be. I have not ever heard anyone else discuss nothingness. Just no-thing, which is not like what I experienced when I felt to be made of nothingness.

I think you are referring to nothing when you say "I", but that is different from not being. It seems to me that nothingness is the core of existence itself.

Because you're making a concession to some sort of agreed upon thing to discuss sobriety to begin with... We have a sort of agreed upon idea of what sober means and are talking in reference to what that idea is agreed to represent. Frank is very very very far from that. If everyone was like Frank, that would be called sobriety. It has NOTHING to do with states of consciousness, nothingness is always the same. What you mean is the contents of mind, what you mean by states of consciousness is just content of mind. And that differs.

Uses non-dual gaslighting This is probably my biggest issue with the forum in a general sense. I've been guilty of it before though I wouldn't always consider it gaslighting. My issue with it more stems from people who are clearly somewhat new in their journey and half the answers they get is "there is no you doing anything" as if they would ever truly realize that just by someone telling them. It could do more harm than good and cause some type of derealization in someone's life if they don't have a direct experience of this idea. I also firmly believe now constantly stating the Nothingness of reality as a means to an end for all questions is not non-duality, but a strong polarization of what "is". I'll add what is attempting to be said is difficult to conceptualize through language due to the limitations of it. Though, it's just a belief and I fully could be wrong about what I'm saying.

It's not a Buddhist student, is a student of training to embodying and becoming Nothingness (which is Infinity which is God), this is what the Buddha taught, you know the destination now, when do you start the journey boss?

I struggled with the “I” word for years. But after having one of several Aya DMT trips, I substituted it with “ME”. It’s not perfect, but it’s the closest Me can get to explain the awareness beyond words! Lol….. The more aware “Me” became, the more difficult it was for Me to use words to describe awareness and knowingness. (Don’t get caught up with my grammatical use of the word ME, just having some fun!) It’s like the words “Nothingness and Somethingness”. I struggled for years with these words after experiencing a state of no-thought, no-form, no-universe, no-nothingness/somethingness during my second Aya experience, and yet, I was aware of a “Me”-ness that was beyond sensations and thought (for lake of better words.). Some people use the word Absolute God to express singular, or combined meanings and words of; nothingness, somethingness, love, oneness, void, etc. But I struggled with the word “God”. Perhaps because of the dogmas that can, and are subconsciously attached to deep ingrained beliefs and emotions of the word! “Me” has since found the words “All-That-Is”, which (for Me) best describes the word God and the words Nothingness, somethingness, love, etc. which point to the state of awareness that cannot be defined, explained, or touched with a singular thought, or patterns of thoughts! “Me” has not found dogmas attached to “Is”, or “Is-ness”, which in the combined words of “All-That-Is”, embraces all words, thoughts, beliefs, emotions consciousness, and all awareness. Just a few thoughts, images, beliefs “Me” wanted to share! LOL…..

For sake of discussion let's call this nothing. In other words reality is nothingness. Now I wonder if you would say that there is 0 nothing or is there 1 nothing? Since nothing could be defined as the absence of everything or complete nonexistence, is it appropriate to say there is 1 nothing if there is truly nothing here? My reasoning is: If there is nothing here then that means there is no nothing. No nothing means 0 nothing. This is because nothing implies the absence of all things including itself! So if there was truly nothing here then there wouldn't even be 1 nothing here. Just nothing nothing! Anyway identifying yourself as the word nothing sounds like a mistake to me.

Leo, you speak so absolutely on topics your ignorant on. You haven't attained or mentioned half of buddhist meditation: Jhana. They have the 6th and 7th Jhana: The mind base of infinity consciousness, and mind base of nothingness. Pretty much the whole Theravada practices these from the Visiddhumagga . Jhana has no duality. There is no Leo left, that dies before you even enter the first Jhana. You have never had the competency or experience in meditation to even know what your talking about. All your pyschedelic experiences still exist a duality, and Leo still exists. In real Jhana which plenty of monks (ajahn brahm) have achieved, there is no self or duality, it's full absorption into nimitta, you die at the first stage and go through 8 . Have you ever thought of studying and learning about this stuff, before making such ignorant comments? Just because your incompetent in this area, what type of integrity do you have. It's the same as people discounting psychedelics; either you achieve infinite consciousness via jhana, or don't speak about it, cos your deluding yourself and misleading people like a devil.

I know exactly what you mean. But this energy, when you look at it through a microscopic attention, it is just vibration, just a movement. It's not solid at all. So it's not really there as a something. It's just a modulation of nothingness, as Rupert so eloquently puts it.

It's not a vague hardly tangable like a haze thing that nobody can put their finger on precisely. It's actually very much tangable, like a psychic doer. It's "I'm the doer" feeling. Like a tension of seeker in the psyche. One who becomes aware of this seeking tension in the mind gains the power to disidentify from it and the tension stops. I DISSAPEARS. a state of no seeking and no seeker happens. When there's no seeking, there is no seeker, when there's no seeker there's no I. Then you realize your true nature was never an I but nothingness.

@Breakingthewall My experience of sizelessness was usually one of malleability rather than rigidity which is why I question it. That is how I am meaning infinite vs limitless. Limitless would be malleable whereas I imagine infinite to be fixed. Limitless would be that unexplained abstract things like color can appear from nothing but then can also go back to nothing, rather than their constant somethingness being set in stone, unable to ever regress back into the nothingness ground of being. I've had various experiences of sizelessness. Usually what happens is, consciousness grabs onto whatever it can. When you are fully "out of body", it feels to encompass the complete width of your vision as well as sounds, touch, etc. If you lost an eye, its scope would narrow. There wouldn't be a fixed extra width where vision used to be, rather it molds into whatever it is aware of. So I don't think they're the same at all but, I wonder which one it is. Is it an infinity of the malleable kind which can spit out infinite things and then swallow them back into nothing, its size always encompassing the scope of its contents? Or of the rigid kind where no things rise or fall but are all forced to eternally be.

I do wonder if the separation was real or just perception. I.e., was something seperated from nothing such that I genuinely experienced BEING nothing. Or was it such that there was only something, and the sense of distance was perceptual - as in I was not nothingness but straight up nonexistent. I do recall the experience well. There was something, but it seemed that the something was a mirror wherein peering into it I could know myself to be literal nothingness. A nothingness which was present. I'm not sure which. But the actual experience had, it seemed I was nothingness and nothingness was observing the something. My ego etc being an element of something. Of course we see things come from nothing all the time (where is a thought before it is conceived)... But this is indeed a good line of inquiry... I've seen Rupert Spira in particular explain why duality must appear to exist, and consciousness appear to limit itself. Here is where you have to figure out if it's limiting in pairs of nothing and something (meaning there is an Atman), OR simply limiting as slices of something, which would be Anatman... If the latter, there is still a total nowhere things do evidently come from using human language.

How a you going to create nothingness? Matter can't produce nothingness. Nothingness is the source of all matter.

You're missing my point. "I" have "experienced" no-thing plenty of times, but that's the message... there is no experience one can recall of it. Because it's not... a thing. It's a lack of things. A potentiality beneath things. Edit: More to the point, there is literally not a single true word you can use to express the "qualities" of nothingness. Because all qualities are emergent from, latent within, and manifested as a modulation of nothing. But nothing, in itself, is a placeholder word. WokeBloke would be far better off trying to experience no-thingness instead of speculating about it logically.

You should try. It's very possible. Dissociate from literally all something. Imagine a character in your head, that's a something. Have the character point towards you. What substance do you find where they're pointing to? You will find no substance. Nothingness. A thought is merely an object like the character. Importance is: All something is finite. Nothingness is without limit and as such anything can magically appear out of it like the way red looks to a human. Because it's unlimited and unbounded. No limit exists in nothing. See where the character points, the nothing it points at when it points towards you. Whether that's 1 or 0 I'm not sure. But it's nothing.

Nothingness means a non phenomenal existence. So it is "1 nothing" by your definition. Nonphenomenal existence is the source of everything and the source of who you are. So it's fair to identify with it. ?

I felt the need to externally acknowledge to myself, on the forum, that I've completely finished the actualized.org chapter, as part of my healing and integration. As part of that I felt a calling to share whatever last remaining energies I felt about actualized.org in terms of me finishing up, and with that the opportunity to let those last energies go before moving on. There's no adherence to structure or form or agenda really. So its not polished or meant to change people's minds, its really for me. So before expressing those energies, I want to acknowledge that actualized.org was an integral part of my journey. I was very very lost back early 2016 when I first stumbled across actualized.org. I was just entering my first year of university with absolutely no knowledge of spirituality in general, all I knew was what my parents, teachers and media taught me. Actualized.org's video on "the most shocking truth..." opened me right up to a new sense of reality that I was extremely drawn to. It was a rough journey for me from 2016 till about mid 2020, trying to battle my immature desires based on subconscious social conditioning around sexuality, my career and toxic relationships, with my yearning for filling my life entirely up with spirituality, yet without actualized.org, I am afraid to think what would of happened to me. I've had autism all my life, and I've been naturally spiritual, so I really needed (and still do to a large extent) help with navigating spiritual planes back then and without that help I would of been in a whole world of pain, so I consider actualized.org kind of an initial savior for me until I ventured off into deeper teachings and live communities around tantra yoga(sexual and non sexual), psychedelics, hatha yoga and emotional healing communities around mid 2020. I'm going to just write directly from the heart and discard the thoughts/social patterns and conditioning telling me I need to structure this well or that it needs to make sense or impress people... I've felt, my entire life, extremely disconnected. Because I have deep down felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, and I always noticed that how I thought about things, my views, my journey, was extremely different to most people, or everyone else, and while I've been through a shit tonne of challenges throughout my spiritual journey, and definitely before too with the childhood traumas and bullying I faced, the negative emotions which stands out to me the most, and makes me want to cry, and that have been persistent throughout my entire life is a deep feeling of disconnectedness from feeling so different from everyone else and not really having much in common with people. Its made me feel insecure about my ability to really learn from spiritual teachers, because I didn't know whether they "got me" or whether I "got them". I felt like no one understood me, knew who I was, I felt like I was always pretending with people. I felt like they thought they knew who I was, but didn't really. I felt like I knew them a lot more then they knew me and that I had to put effort into always fitting in. This IS the biggest trauma of my life. Without this trauma, I've got literally no traumas left. Its rock bottom, and its so so so deep. It is who I identified with my entire life, without this trauma, I would have to reimagine who I truly am. And the amazing thing is, I've done that, I did it yesterday at a healing course that went for 4 days. And I'm over the moon because I literally now am almost at the point where I've fully reconnected with myself and have no big traumas left. And I just through the massive shift, had to share what I saw, even if its not relevant or doesn't help anyone, because it relates to my journey at actualized.org, and if I don't share this shift here then it wont feel like the shift is complete. Things started to get really challenging for me about a year ago when I went a bit deep in my psychedelic journey. I've got a very natural calling for following and embodying the path of psychedelic shamanism. Because in 2020 I went through a dozen or so awakenings, I entered a state of consciousness where I wasn't the do-er anymore, which meant "you shouldnt do this" or "you should do that" didn't make sense to me anymore because I felt like the universe was in control and not little electroBeam. So I was going quite deep, potentially dangerously deep into psychedelics, and people telling me "you shouldnt do it" or "its irresponsible" or "its stupid" didn't make sense to me because I wasn't the doer. LOL. So I kept going anyway even if it was perceived as stupid. I felt like people telling me that stuff was part of the story God was creating to show me a greater and even bigger lesson. So naturally didnt really listen, and sometimes I half listened and half didnt, and it was a bit confusing and scary and weird and super strange but most importantly, in the end super powerful. I had a big dose of mushrooms (through following my intuition) and what it showed me was incredibly deep and incredibly scary. And I was seeing this stuff within the context of non-doership, which meant I truly didnt feel like I was the one who chose to take this big mushroom trip. Sometimes I didnt know and thought I was going crazy, did I take this big mushroom trip or not? It feel really right to take it but everyone around me is saying its super dangerous. And the feeling of non doership is scaring me a bit because I feel like I've got no control into how deep my psychedelic path is going to go, God's gonna take me deep and I've kinda got no choice. It was scary AF. I had a total of 3 hero dose mushroom trips over the span of like 2 months, again all not my choice. It just happened that way. It felt really like fate, like God's chosen me to do this. Which in itself was a bit insane, because it felt that way sober too. Feelings of like "why me?" Came up often. The scariest part of the 1st mushroom trip was my entire life felt like it was created by me sitting in my room for 3 minutes and just getting lost in thought, and that the Truth beyond that 3 minutes (which was my entire fucking life) was something extremely bigger. And thats scary enough but the fact that you can't connect with many people about this is what makes it more negative because theres a deep sense of disconnection that you're doing this alone, maybe one of the only few people on the planet doing this. I had problems picking up girls because I was the non doer, so I couldnt pickup girls because there was no me, and I just thought that I couldnt pick up girls because I was too ugly, but the trip showed me that the girls didn't even exist in the first place, which felt extremely extremely disconnecting. Infinity to the power of infinity to the power of infinity levels of disconnection and depersonalization. Like solopsism. The last bit that was really scary was the mushrooms told me that this state of consciousness was how I always was, and that I just lost it during my personal life journey somewhere. That last part was probably the most challenging, because the trip felt extremely disconnecting, and then its telling me its been like this for eternity LOL. However, I was doing this stuff, this path, while in an enlightened state of mind, so no matter how bad things got, I lost the ability to really care. LOL. So when I was integrating that trip, It was extremely scary and horrible, but I didn't think about deciding to run away from this shamanic path because I lost the ability to react to how scary it was because theres no me, and I'm not the doer. So I took another high dose mushroom trip which was a trillion times deeper. The Tao ebbed into another even deeper trip. And yeah very amazing experience, highly challenging but loved it. I saw beyond mahasamadhi by a trillion, everything leo said in his 30 day awakening video was just a spec of dust compared to the peak of this trip. Loved the depth but scary as fuck hahaha. Leo's teachings said that your point of view is the only point of view that exists, and that you're imagining reality. That scared the shit out of me because that feels extremely disconnecting. Like theres no one else but you. And the other thing I hated about that teaching was my God state of mind is so powerful and beautiful that I want to share it, but how the fuck do I share it when I'm all alone? I can't!!! And I experienced that during the first mushroom trip and that sucked. The other part of that teaching I hated was this sense that there's no one to look up to but me, which means if I've got problems no one can help me. I saw all of that on the mushroom trips and integrated all of that into my life. Kinda just put up with it and got on with it. Like at the end of the day, no matter what the truth is, you can always accept it and love it so. Then I had a cactus trip, where what I saw on it was I was accessing really deep states of consciousness and afraid to share it out of fear that I would get locked up in jail or someone would take me to the hospital. Which explained why I always took ayahuasca, mushrooms, cactus alone either in my room or out in the forest. I felt much more safe taking ayahuasca at home alone then in ceremony. Always. Lastly I had a ceremony with someone, and he gave me a dose that was waaay too high for what I could handle. The first cup I handled myself, my entire life again dissolved into a few tiny seconds of God thinking or mentally masturbating to himself lol, then I got total amnesia and forgot where I was or who I was or even forgot I was born and lived, and I was just in this spiral place, where I felt happiness and suffering. And The aya was taking me meta on happiness and suffering LOL to the point that I couldn't even tell what I wanted anymore because it showed me how happiness and suffering were one, and it was super dissociative because I rely on chasing happiness and letting go of suffering to grow and traverse my path but if I loose the ability to care about that then... I dont feel like doing anything or growing or whatever. So it was a bit horrible but then again wasnt because I lost the ability to know horribleness. Then I left the spiral and came back and remembered where I was and who I was, etc. And was like wow. The shaman said thats a tiny dose just to prep you for the second cup and thats when sparks fly. So I took a trillion times more potent dose then that cup and wow.... I lost my shit physically and was running around like a freak. But what I remember the most from that second cup was I remember realizing completely that I was God, and that people are trying to find god through making nuclear bombs (because they are inspired to do that) but they should just walk up to electroBeam because they are confused and they just want electroBeam LOL. And then (this is so cool and powerful) I asked myself "why am I God" and the answer was because I created it that way LOOOL. HAHAHA. I'm God because I wanted to be God. I created everything including myself hahahahaha. Its not because of everything or nothingness or all that bollocks, I created all that everything and nothingness crap but the only truth is I'm God because I decided to create myself. And then everything else spawned from that. Then the trip got extremely hellish because I asked myself "Why is there satan and hell" and then I couldn't tell the difference between god and satan. Which means I couldn't tell whether God was good or bad. Like what if God is only good because I created God/myself that way and therefore God isn't really good. God is netural or even possible the devil and he created himself good to cover that up. And how can I truly know thats not true when I created God? Which then made me feel like I was literally hitler. Which was absolutely hell. A massive letdown. And again extremely dissociative. Then I went into a massive thought loop that did like 500 rounds. Where I really wanted to leave the trip (because it was hell) and as soon as I left the trip and got out of it, my shaman said well done you did it!!! And then I asked did what? Then I sank right back into hell/the trip again/went back in time, then I went through hell got out of it and again the shaman said well done you did it!!! And then I asked did what (I had amnesia so I forgot about what getting out of the trip meant) and that happened 500 times after the 200th time I was 100% convinced that the truth was I was in this hell loop my entire eternal existence and my life was a failed attempt of trying to get out of it(which all didnt feel too great lool). and I kept asking where is the shaman and as soon as I saw him he dissolved, so I lost hope in thinking hes real. Then finally the trip wore off a bit and I was in a concentration camp which made me do some things I wish I didnt and then finally got out of it. But again I'm in an enlightened state of mind so that trip gave me 0 trauma and I literally didnt care after it happened. I dont want to experience that again but dont really care if I do. So I don't wish to elaborate on more details, there's a last bit of energy I'm feeling now that I want to let go of directly, and that's the climax of this entire journey I've had(especially recently) which I arrived to yesterday during my healing course. I feel like I'm not expressing myself super convincingly, and I could express it much more. But I'm not hear to convince, I'm hear to tell my truth and to let go of energies. I went to a healing course where they taught unconditional love healing. Long process but in a nutshell I discovered some extremely deep childhood traumas that I wasn't even conscious of. I went deep into a childhood memory of my dad telling me "if you keep this up, your brain will get zapped, see on the TV that guy having his brain zapped? That will be you if you keep this up". I was 3 years old. He was talking about the brain zapping doctor thing, I remembered that all my life but forgot WHY he said it. The healing brought up WHY he said it. I remembered sooooooo much about my life from the age of 2-5. I remember seeing beings and entities in my sober state of consciousness, and energies everywhere, similar to medium dose mushroom trips. And I use to talk to them all the time, feel them, see them. They actually helped me function in society, I remember being on the couch and talking to a being I saw every morning, and why my mum asked me what I wanted for breakfast, I would ask that being what I should say, and he/she would give me advice. Back when I was 2-5 years of age, the ego wasn't too much of a thing for me and the transition to enlightenment wasn't really existent. I remember seeing hallucinations, patterns in the carpet, etc. I said this stuff out loud to an audience of people, and the fear and emotions I felt were overwhelming. Definitely cried hardcore. What was so scary about saying this stuff is I have very deeply rooted beliefs within me that if I say this stuff to people that will lock me up or take me to a psyche ward. And I got that from my parents!!! I saw that I was projecting that trauma of my parents cutting me off from my interdimensional beings in Leo's teachings. My mushroom trips were so dissociative because of that trauma. My ceremonial ayahuasca trip went a bit bad because of that trauma. The whole idea that you're god and that you're the only one that exists is not the Truth, its a trauma of mine. I feel so disconnected from spirit (because my parents told me they would literally put me in a psyche ward for the connection) and that disconnection showed up in my super deep mushroom trips. I thought (because of Leo's teachings) the mushrooms were telling me I'm the only one that exists, but that's not true, there are humans out there and they all do exist. What the mushrooms were actually telling me was I'm a little unique in that I saw spirit when I was at a young age. So I turned "you are a little different because you saw spirit at a young age" into "you are different because youre god and only you exist and no other humans exist". Also the mushrooms told me that I had never left that state of consciousness (that the mushrooms took me in). And I turned that into my entire life is completely made up and I'm stuck in a hell loop, which is untrue because here I am again and my life is real. The mushrooms were showing me that I just was in it when I was 2-5. Not that the truth is I'm stuck in a hell loop. Same with the ayahuasca ceremony, the whole hell loop was just a way of telling me I never left and my parental trauma made it seem like I left. Its true that I'm God and I created myself (as God) but I always also felt strong disconnection, I felt separated from other people while in that state (which you wouldnt have experienced it because you dont have the same trauma as me) but thats absolutely hell HAHAHAHA. Did it anyway because im the spiritual boss. Proud of myself to be honest. The biggest thing that healing workshop gave me was it showed me how by not speaking my truth, I was not allowing trauma to release which was manifesting as hellish trips and physical aliments. The whole trauma gave me autism, as soon as I let go of the trauma, all of my autism dissolved. I asked myself during the healing "how do I connect with humans if I've always at a young age been speaking to inter-dimensional beings" and the answer I got was "you need to stop excluding that aspect of yourself when talking to other people, the inter-dimensional beings are apart of your identity and you need them to function in the world, otherwise you will have autism". Which simply means I need to say fuck you to the fears of being put into jail or hospital for speaking my truth and do it anyway. Once I saw that trauma and let it go I was able to feel my Godheadness while also feeling connected to everyone. I took ayahuasca in the park the next day after the workshop. And I felt everything that I felt the last times, but with the new understanding that this wasn't unfamiliar to me, I had experienced this as a kid. And I freely and happily got lost in the state of mind, the state where your life all compresses and dissolves into a tiny ball, everything blends in with each other, the words blend into the visuals which blend into the concepts which blends into the body, every human body is like a little desktop icon all connected to the collective human consciousness, hallucinations, patterns. That sense that its been like that for eternity. The ayahuasca told me and showed me how I was misinterpreting the previous trips and projecting childhood traumas on it, and how the actual messages they were trying to show me was just what I experienced as a kid and how im reconnecting with it. I was reacting to the messages and being dramatic and thats where the suffering came from. I did it specifically in public in the park because I wanted to really integrate this state of consciousness into my daily life. Its the way of embodying the resolve of my biggest, and now pretty much only, trauma. If I cant be on ayahuasca in public, then I'm recurring the pattern of hiding that state of consciousness from my parents, when deep down it wanted to be let out. And that's it, Leo's last and highest teachings of you are god, only your POV exists, blablabla. I experienced that, and saw how the negative parts of it were my own deep deep deep childhood traumas projections, and now I'm embodying the resolve of it literally by taking ayahuasca in the park and speaking to people in that state of mind and practicing being ok with it. If I can be ok in the peak of an ayahuasca trip while talking to people, I've just shown I'm not afraid of showing who I truly am to the world. I'll probably get judged here for that story, definitely I don't think this place is the most loving and non judgmental it can be sometimes. I've been called stupid, idiot by Leo for expressing some of this path, and I've been called all sorts of shit by the other forum members for expressing my path too. Been banned(but brought back) partially because I was just expressing this truth of mine. What I really liked about the healing workshop I did, was they didn't judge me though, for all the stuff I was doing, they welcomed it, said it was brave, honorable and extremely genuine and authentic. And that was the straw that broke the camel's back, for the first time in my life someone accepted and believed in my unique connection with spirit. The exact opposite of what my parents did when I was a kid. And the opposite of what this forum did a lot of the time too. And theres no reason why you should end up in jail or end up in a psyche ward for taking ayahuasca in public. Absolutely none. Theres no rational reason for it, and I didnt when I took and got lost in the state in the park after my healing workshop. I realized during that trip that by taking ayahuasca in the park in public, I'm being my highest and true self, and people WILL get triggered by it because my highest self will prompt them to look within, but if I maintain my authenticity, the most that a lot if not all of them will do is walk away from me from not wanting to look at their own traumas. They wont come and try and lock me up or put me in jail because that will just make them spend more time with me, which means more time that they will be prompted to look at their traumas. So I'm safe, and its irrational and quite frankly ignorant to think that taking aya in public is a problem. And I guess the other bit is I'm aware of this. Maybe people who trip in public and get into trouble aren't aware of this, and maybe thats what makes the difference. I'm aware of this during the peak of my trip because its related to the biggest trauma of mine.

Okey let me get this straight. Yeah, everything is me, even pain is me. But also everything is nothing. And nothingness is my true identity. Now what causes this realization that void is my true identity? Imo It's an intense awareness that sees all phenomena as passing except nothingness. Nothingness remains the same. When one sees that everything is passing including body and mind. He realizes that I'm nothing at all. This causes one to identity with the Formless awareness. At the same time realization happens that everything that arise including pain is also nothing. Everything is nothing including pain. So you see, the way I see it is that total disidentification from everything also causes the same union with the universe. It makes your identity into void. And realization that everything is void also. Nondual void basicly. Universe is one giant void. Or infinite void. Did I get this part right?

lol What's funny is that there is nothing wrong with the lyrics themselves at all. Sang it every summer in Bible school. It's not oddball, that's just the most popular religion in the world and what many don't see is that many blockages towards awakening are the very same fear and revere dogma as Christianity. "Salvation" from what? It was all right there in the Bible school songs. Just minus the idea of a God who others and is above. Atheism and religion make love to each other and dissolve into beautiful nothingness together. Everything is always becoming, more, more, more. There's no origination point and so it ever remains becoming eternally MORE out of nothing. What could be better?

I accept that. And I think total identification with everything leads to love realization. And total disidentification leads to nothingness. I also think these are two truths about reality at the same time being equally true. One is that "I am everything". Another is "I'm am Nothing" I feel they are both true. One leads to total disidentification from everything and end of suffering another leads to total merging into existence. Total engrossed into existence and loving existence with all you have. One is dissmising existence totally another is accepting and loving existence totally. Two sides of the same coin. Yin and yang. What are your thoughts on this?