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Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #68 Wed July 30, 2025 6:55 AM Samadhi Lowers self: Hey, we need to talk about this voice in my head. What is it exactly? Higher Self: What voice? Lower self: This voice. This voice that I can hear inside of my head that is being heard by me and then being typed onto this screen. What is it? Higher self: I don't hear anything... Lower self: What do you mean? Of course you hear something, we both hear it. It's right here. Open your fucking ears. Higher Self: Nope. Lower self: Okay, whatever. Then I am hallucinating a voice inside of my own head Higher Self: Yep, that is correct. Lower self: What is a hallucination anyways? Higher self: A hallucination is something that is not real, it is completely fabricated and imagined. There is nothing tangible or concrete about it and therefore is no Truth behind it. Lower self: But the voice inside of my head feels so real to me. I can hear it speaking to me. Higher Self: Who is speaking to whom? Lower self: The voice is coming from me and is speaking to me... Ben... The voice is telling me what to do, how to behave, etc .. Higher Self: Why do you listen to this voice? Lower self: I listen to the voice because I feel like I have no choice in the matter. I cannot shut this voice off. Therefore, it just feels like it is a part of who I am. Higher Self: Why can't you shut it off? Lower self: I'm not sure. But I virtually have no control over it. I am at the mercy of this voice and therefore cannot get any peace and quiet. I just want this voice to shut the fuck up. Higher Self: You can shut it off actually. This is what a samdhi experience is like. All of your attention is pointed towards one thing. This eclipses everything else around it and you dissolve into the experience of that one thing that you are focusing on. In this state, there is no mind, no thoughts, no emotions, just pure experience, pure nothingness, pure samadhi. Lower self: Wowwwww, that sounds amazing. Higher Self: It is amazing, now get to work...

Is simply being, fundamentally comparable with silence, or nothingness, or not-knowingness? Like the true being before it’s artificially distorted by a thought, or an idea, or a concept?

@samijiben I understand the giving aspect. I have done it before, and it is a wonderful thing. However, if I approach it with the mindset of getting something out of it, I will fumble, and fumble hard. I'll want to avoid that to the best of my abilities as such a way of existence sucks. However, there are forms I want to give in and have simply been slacking on as of late. If I invest into these, things will naturally start to click as long as I'm consistent and stay tuned in. As for nothingness and your more advanced points, I'm aware and familiar of them, however, I'm at a stage where I don't feel like embracing them. Not yet. I was more spiritual when I was younger but neglected more egoic and human parts of myself that have needed to live. I face the consequences of that now, and seek to live, even in the face of my own ignorance so that I may be free of regret later.

In contrast to your poem, some logical description, let's see if you see it Absolute openness is not a thing, nor an entity, nor a form. It cannot be defined positively without betraying its nature, because every affirmation creates a limit, and absolute openness is precisely the absence of all limits. It is not a substance, nor a void, nor a being, nor a consciousness. It is nothing that can be conceived in opposition to anything else. It is not “nothing,” because nothingness is the negation of something, and this already establishes a conceptual border. Nor is it “something,” because something is differentiated from other things, and all differentiation implies relation and limitation. It is not emptiness, because emptiness only has meaning in contrast to fullness, and that duality is impossible at the level of the absolute. But it's the absence of lack, because the openess is absolute potential. Maybe you could call it God, but not because it's a creator, but because is the source of any possibility

In my opinion, he's approaching the issue backwards. He says: Infinity can only create logical things; anything illogical cannot exist. Rather, it would be: everything that manifests is relative, that is, relational. Every relation is logical, since they are two equivalent words. And that's it, there's no need of more. When he speaks of nothingness, it's the same. Nothingness is the absence of contrast or movement. Nothingness is ontologically the same as everything; nothingness is unmanifested reality, the absence of relationship, and "somethingness" is manifested reality, contrast. Since there are no limits, at some point there will be contrast, fluctuation, or relative movement. That moment is always, and its unfolding is unlimited.

OK I see . My point once again I can't conceive of the end of suffering as long as forms and limitations and lack and need exist In this world . If death is pure fucking eternal sleep then unfortunately that's the only way to escape suffering permanently. And unfortunately death is just like sleeping you take a pause to refresh and then start all over again =reincarnation. But buddhism actually teaches Nirvana or permanent nothingness if you conquer desire .

I can kinda confirm this. Because I’ve been in almost selfless states and it’s truly like there’s almost no center I resonate with this but why isn’t reality nothingness when there’s no center. Isn’t limitlessness nothingness?

in my experience, god in its purest form is Nothingness, which has no needs, desires, no qualities. but everything arises inside of it, including the desire for another, loneliness, love, bliss. all of these are temporary and you decide which ones you abide in. if you cling to loneliness loneliness becomes your reality. but you decide for yourself. you truly are god. heaven and hell are within you. if you accept loneliness, embrace it and let it go, there is no loneliness. acceptance equals love. in this way, love is the truest aspect of god next to nothingness personally i have never experienced the loneliness aspect of God. But I have experienced Gods' desire for non existence which i think is more scary. But that too is also just a temporary arising withing Nothingness/consciosuness, which doesnt affect it in the slightest. theres a freedom knowing your true nature is eternally untouched

When I tried 5 Meo dmt (small dose) I experienced a kind of emptiness/nothingness. There was not really anything positive about it But I am open to the fact that it might have been the dose I took so I could have different experience if I tried again and yes it’s something I’d like to try I am not self less. It’s just that I have a very small self because most of it dissolved for me In my past : I could get attached to a crush I had, since my self almost dissolved I don’t get attached to anyone anymore I used to be attached to looking a certain way. I am not attached to my appearance anymore, that disappeared when my self started to dissolve I used to have social anxiety and I was attached to having a confident, charming self image. Now that’s all gone I used to have as a child chronic existential anxiety, that’s all gone Instead of all of this, which disappeared when I dissolved layers to my self: now different problems arose I barely feel I exist That creates a kind of emptiness Its almost like walking around in a constant void (almost, not completely because I’m not completely gone) It is like everything is a bit hollow and lacks richness Makes sense? If my sense of self was 100% dissolved maybe this problem would resolve I see, I thought getting your self dissolved to some degree would bring liberation, not hollowness and lack of richness. But maybe that depends on the person and their persona prior to it, dont know though. Could be something about development.

When I tried 5 Meo dmt (small dose) I experienced a kind of emptiness/nothingness. There was not really anything positive about it But I am open to the fact that it might have been the dose I took so I could have different experience if I tried again and yes it’s something I’d like to try I am not self less. It’s just that I have a very small self because most of it dissolved for me In my past : I could get attached to a crush I had, since my self almost dissolved I don’t get attached to anyone anymore I used to be attached to looking a certain way. I am not attached to my appearance anymore, that disappeared when my self started to dissolve I used to have social anxiety and I was attached to having a confident, charming self image. Now that’s all gone I used to have as a child chronic existential anxiety, that’s all gone Instead of all of this, which disappeared when I dissolved layers to my self: now different problems arose I barely feel I exist That creates a kind of emptiness Its almost like walking around in a constant void (almost, not completely because I’m not completely gone) It is like everything is a bit hollow and lacks richness Makes sense? If my sense of self was 100% dissolved maybe this problem would resolve Thats amazing you found a reason! Yes it could be worse after death so better stay here so long we can somehow handle it

Below, I will post that which is considered archetypally Feminine and Masculine (respectively) to understand these polarities from a symbolic and energetic lens (which is very different from societal gender norms, which are often arbitrary... like women wearing pink, etc.) Keep in mind, this relates indirectly to human gender in general as the Masculine and Feminine are found interplaying in all living and non-living systems. But you will notice that men (as a whole group) have a slight lean towards the Masculine Principled qualities and that women (as a whole group) have a slight lean towards the Feminine Principled qualities. But keep in mind that these arcetypes/qualities were called Masculine and Feminine because of men and women's slight leans towards one energy or the other... but these qualities are only somewhat correlated to human gender expression. So, these polarities superseded yet inform human gender expressions. Here's the list (Feminine first/Masculine second) Being vs Doing Tangible vs Intangible Earthly vs Spiritual Physical vs Non-Physical Grounded vs Lofty Wisdom vs Truth Cycles vs Progressions Imperfection vs Perfection Contraction vs Expansion Emotions vs Thoughts Intuition vs Logic Chaos vs Order Organic vs Geometric The Unconscious Mind vs The Conscious Mind Relationship vs Singularity The Everthingness Facet of Infinity vs The Nothingness Facet of Infinity Sovereignty vs Leadership Internal Knowing vs External Knowledge Mystery vs Clarity Ordinariness vs Extraordinariness Mortality vs Immortality The Body vs The Mind Receptivity vs Radiation Receiving vs Giving Surrender vs Overcoming Inherent Worthiness vs Earning Collective vs Individual Connection vs Disconnection Intuitive Operation vs Algorithmic Operation Internal vs External The Fall and Winter vs The Spring and Summer The Moon vs The Sun The Roots vs The Branches/Fruit Limitation vs Unlimitedness

There ain't transcending pain as long as you live in this body made of bones and flesh which gets super hungry and thirsty and sleepy every 12 hours . When you die and (probably) play chess with God in his house called nothingness then there will be no pain. Buddhists call this nirvana . But you have to stop the reincarnation cycle by not giving a dam about anything under the sun aka detachment.

Consciousness (as fundamental) → manifests or dreams reality → creates spacetime, laws of physics, energy → Big Bang as a projection within consciousness → evolution of complexity → appearance of individual minds → mind retroactively interprets its current state as arising from a past material process → human consciousness (Infinite Mind) Nothingness (Materialistic kind) → spontaneous quantum fluctuation or unknown cause → Big Bang → formation of matter and energy → particles clashing and organizing → cosmic and planetary evolution → biological evolution → emergence of nervous systems → first human consciousness (Infinite Mind) → subjective experience and self-reflection (mind/consciousness) I don’t understand why the first initial mental Human consciousness would have to be equivalent to the same (Original Creator). Again, I can still imagine human consciousness being spawned separately from the beginning of nothingness and evolution, and once it spawns, sure, it may have infinite qualities and the ability to expand, observe, imagine, and understand, but I don’t see how that implies it’s the original creator. That’s the step I feel like I’m missing. Even if I accept that the fundamental properties of reality are 'mental' or metaphysical in nature, that could still refer to a mind separate from my own (i.e., human consciousness). It doesn't necessarily imply that the two are the same in any way. Just because the mind is infinite after being spawned doesn't imply the creator is infinite or even the same as the current consciousness. As I mentioned above, the requisite variety argument doesn't apply, since we do observe more complex things being created by less complex ones, like the example of a child genius being born from average parents. Also, infinity here works mostly as a concept. It's not like you experience infinite thoughts; you have distinct thoughts. You can only conceptualize that others could happen in infinite ways. But that’s just an insight; again, it doesn’t strictly imply a conscious creator or beginning. And the argument that “it’s all one” doesn’t feel satisfying to my brain, because we’re always trying to get to the source or root-cause property when we ask these questions. Even with the concept of God, we’re pointing to a characteristic of that “original creator.” So even if you say 'it's all one,' you'd still want to distinguish the root cause and the properties of that root cause, even if it implies all-encompassing unity.

Keep going, please. As of now, approximately 14,000 posts less than you in the relative same time period. Hmmm. That your mind needs to twist words and facts to make up lies about what was shared in reply to and with respect to your ‘life lived in relation’ says volumes. Yes, toxicity sounds about right. About 10-20% of the other words must have hit a soft spot, and your mind has been on a witch hunt since then... apparently. Yes, being that I only have 1-2 times a day to post, and that I'm usually amped on a STRONG cup of coffee doing it, it's likely that some of my longer convoluted posts are just stream-of-consciousness style. Apologies. Not that you even read them or ask questions for clarifying our differences in perception.... just trigger off disagreement and specific words, make assumptions, and build the consistent antagonistic ad hominem pattern that's in progress. Quite telling. If anyone remembered “Nothing” or recognized authentic “Nothingness” in reading anything I’ve shared, I’d be super-happy and hug/laugh with them!! More projection and games exemplifies a mind’s agenda. Is the split mind conscious of them? Bring on the carefully tailored Drama Triangle of victim (you and other board members), perpetrator (kbone), and savior (you) to sort it all out. Continue lashing out as/into Nothingness, exposing the illusions that bind. Are you aware of the tar baby argument in progress? I am. I'm hanging out, with at least one foot in the field beyond right/wrong (duality).... with Rumi Baba, whirling away.....

Oh, yeah, I was thinking about that too. Deep sleep = nothingness It is not an assumption, because I can witness newness right now. It is amazing, but terrifying too and not fully accepted by the world, far from it

It makes sense to go into nothingness. But then again, here in the eternal moment, right now, there is something going on and it comes out of nothing I will go Chances are high that something new will spring forth

Glad you could rez with the share. You do seem to have a very congenial spirit about ya: joy, love, excitement, passion...yes, very nice blossoms. No worries. Just sharing on a theoretical front, from what I've gathered, even after getting periodically attached to the idea/experience of Nothingness, peeps can also even get periodically attached to the idea/experience of Freedom. I suppose it's a relative thang, but it also happens to be something that newly found freedom can give rise to, I suspect. Sometimes, it could be the mind that is making a 'power grab' of sorts. Such attachments can be noticeable in some convos. Power-driven mind likes to think it won (i.e., defeated another), which kinda snorta seems to miss an important point. That seems to come mostly from the male minds, if I'm being open and honest. Whereas, discerning mind, knowing "it is what it is", may just say what it can (sometimes trying to meet the other mind on its terms), and maybe while smiling or looking emotionless or whatever. I totally dig what you mean in saying it's not "all I do", and that it may still be fun/helpful to do a little jousting on occasion. Curious, have you by chance noticed/sensed that you have both a feminine side, as well as a masculine side, like maybe you have a tendency to act or 'also' enjoy being around boyishness at times?

1. Is God as Nothingness = Absolute Truth? Or are these 2 different in some way? 2. If absolute truth can't be communicated, spoken, proved etc. then how does one experience it? Is it a realization, a feeling, an insight? Does the room change in some way? If nothing about experience changes at all, then what is there to realize that is absolute truth? 3. Is absolute truth = ISness? Like is absolute truth = the fact that the screen of reality is ON. 4. Sometimes I have had consciousness of the fact that the only thing happening is what is in front of me, but I have only realized the fact of it, but it didn't hit me with a sense of profoundity, does that mean I didn't get it? 5. Also if absolute truth exists and can be experienced/found, why can't it be communicated? All of this mystery around what absolute truth is and why it is so profound, makes me deeply fucking excited spending my life trying to realize it.

Imo the problem is that disintegration seems like disappearing, becoming nothing, and that doesn't make sense. The idea is to dissolve the separation between you and reality and be reality. "Nothingness" is an idea of the self; it remains in separation. Dissolution is equivalent to there no longer being self and there is reality, or the self no longer being limited and embracing reality. It would be the same thing. It's a question of limits, not of disappearing.

All I am familiar with is the process of disintegration of the self and it ended up with me feeling like I was approaching nothingness. I guess I haven’t done the opening aspect so its hard to grapple what that is- maybe it’s only obvious when it actually happens Yea I would need the direct experience to make sense of this. Sometimes I don’t even know what state of consciousness I am in. Because I’ve been through profound permanent shifts but I barely even know what they were about. For me it definitely seems almost impossible to dissolve the self 😂 It’s like you need to do something significant to the brain to achieve it

You're fine. You KNOW, and no longer 'need' the pack's attention and/or validation, but you still enjoy playing in the waves. You're simply adjusting to the dying momentum of a world view once ruled by the mind's delusion. Occasionally, it is still noticed, but it no longer grips the attention and/or creates barriers in the way it used to. That's what 'seeing through the illusion' refers to. 'Like above, so below' type of thingy.... Just do not get attached to Nothingness, and ease into the paradigm of This/Suchness. Hugs.

Yes. And it was. In hindsight, being Present to the mind was key. It was also cool to be Present to the mind's symptomatic PTSD (quite normal), seeing it as 'objectively' as possible, not getting pulled into the story too much (thus extending 'negative' effects in repetitive fashion), not denying the mind's function/needs, allowing the psycho-physical to play out as needed. It was not so much about some self. The via negativa/neti neti that you find limiting is what you're actually participating in. You do not trust others (nor should you really), and you don't like the paradoxes of others, but you love your own. In a way, one only trusts what is giving rise to their own lives and, due to their belief in their self, think they only trust their 'self'. It's subtle, and in the movements of mind. Via one's neti neti, one may or may not arrive and realize the fully fertile Nothingness, then 'think/express' that such words refer to something flat, boring, and dead. Some minds, in turn, might express the same concept as Infinite/Unlimited, and then act out their own version of speerchal narcissism. 🥱🤣 It's especially common for peeps from "Individualistic", "Low-Context cultures" (can look it up) and societies to misunderstand, caste dispersion on, and/or distrust the direct translations of 'reasoning' and writing styles found in "High-Context Cultures". That's a limited perspective. As such, one's conception of logic, or 'objective' world view is hardly universal (or objective), and might even come across as maniacally egoistic and deluded. Good to keep one's perception in check; question it. Mind loves a good yarn though, thinking it can pick up one end of it, and follow it to reach the other end in order to find Truth. Years spent in the endeavor of following the string, what does it find? Paradox.... and then mind spends the next X number of years justifying it, twisting and contorting itself to sound clearer, better, more logical... and all the rest, maybe taking 5meo to express it in wilder, cooler, or more intense sounding ways. They mistake utter simplicity for being shallow, limited, petty, or lacking something, and get caught up in the web of their own thoughts. I've always suspected that that is why Zen Masters sometimes just say to self-righteous and cogitating minds, "Shut up you poor groveling fool, get on the mat, and don't come back til you're dead." There's a great Zen story about Hakuin and his master that exemplifies it purddy well. Many here will just find it as a story of oppression/repression, failing to see the larger context, missing the nuanced implications (i.e., Japanese is a very High-Context culture, as are others). The Zen stories and koans are used for a purpose, not to express an explicit (inexpressible) Truth. Is Zen for everyone? No, it is not. Wasn't for me either (again, this mind-body seemed more aligned with Rumi, crazy wisdom-type stuff, nature, and/or an expressive approach), but I understand and can respect what they're pointing to. Peeps here often talk about intensity/dedication/devotion with their own culturo-personal twists, but then turn around and scorn other perspectives of the same ilk. Around and around it goes... god must be dying laughing. Wild! 🤣🥰🔥 The true story just shared may simply sound like a cool story. Perhaps most are not interested in the Nothingness it could point to, and just more attached to ITS apparent nature. Makes sense. Others might prefer to condemn it all as ego and wish to persecute such 'devilry' (ego often gets a bad rap when it is not understood for what it is).... all good. Makes sense, too. One's free to contemplate, or not... always free to question... always free. A great scenario is they arrive at The Great I Don't Know that rocks their world (some might have a reference for that,,, I dunno). Come, SEE for your self ; 'kill it' and set it free once and for all, centerless... the only certainty there is. Mind you, the mind is never certain.

I know I'm a little late to the party but as someone who has done Ketamine, more specifically (esketamine) usually around 84 mg nasally, around 50 times now I'd like to chime in. Personally I have had quite a few awakenings on Ketamine. I actually wasn't so much trying to it's just been an added benefit. I started Ketamine as an alternative medical treatment for treatment resistant depression, which it has done wonders for and after many months started having awakenings on it. I've had a lot of no self awakenings and what I would describe as pure nothingness. Very similar to a Buddhist description of awakening. My most recent treatment though I finally had a full on God realization awakening, infinity, whatever you want to call it you know what I mean. What I like about ketamine is it is gentle and easy compared to traditional psychedelics. You easily slip into a deeply meditative state and lose touch with your self and body. Effortlessly because you pretty much can't do anything other than just sit there and relax. There aren't distracting visuals or thoughts usually like with traditional psychedelics, at least for most people. You also seem to have control unless you take a really high dose. I sometimes was able to break out of awakenings in the past when I felt I wasn't ready in that moment. Only this last one did it not go away when I freaked out a bit. I'm glad it didn't because once I got through what I'd call the "come up anxiety" it was amazing. It offers a unique and interesting experience that is worth at least trying if you ever get the chance and are in the right head space for it. It's also probably easier for most people to source compared to something like 5meo Dmt. Just make sure to test for impurities like with all substances. I think if you're a person who has trouble letting go or freaks out on psychedelics Ketamine might just be a good starting point and way to ease yourself into awakenings like I did. Don't write it off until you've tried it a few times and if you do I recommend getting an eye mask and listening to meditation music during the trip. Also have your feet touching the ground while you sit in a chair being grounded helps in my experience.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #67 - Sat July 19, 2025 7:24 PM Nothingness Lower self: We talked about nothingness a few chapters back. What is it and why does it have significance in Truth work? Higher Self: Nothingness is exactly that, it is an empty void that is made up of its own name, nothing. The tree next to me is nothingness, my car is nothingness, this water is nothingness, my body is nothingness. Lower self: I'm not following... Higher Self: Your identity is not Truth. Your mind is not Truth. The birds are not Truth. The sky is not Truth. You can make an infinite list of things that are not Truth. If everything is not Truth, what do you have left? You have nothing. Nothingness is the ultimate truth of the universe. Experience this. Truly experience this and you will transcend your physical body. The real kicker here though is that nothingness also equates to infinite creation. If there is nothing really there, then you have a blank slate in which you can create anything that you want. These creations remain in the relative realm while nothingness is forever present in the background as an Absolute Truth. Lower self: Okay, this all makes sense, but how do I experience this? I have no direct experience of this nothingness that you are describing. Higher Self: Sure you do... Just look around. "Close your mind, close your eyes, see with your heart" - Lupe Fiasco

Thank you for the honesty. That says a lot. Right, nothing anyone says means anything with respect 'to' Truth, but what eventually SEES is indicative of the depth of penetration, maybe even Nothingness awakes to what it meant by the simple word. Ever had a gun to your head, with the distinct possibility that one of your organs could soon be harvested if you went down the dark black alley with the perpetrators? It was a cool horror in which conscious existence came to an extreme focal point, depth remained calm, communicated in a second language in an attempt to reach a deeper layer, and found a way. Enjoy your courtroom analyses.