This is my first time posting here but I've followed Leo's content since the early days. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here but I want to share my story with some potentially like minded individuals and see what y'all think.
In 2014/15 I was heavily into self improvement. I was doing all the the stuff they recommend. Meditating all the time, eating really clean, reading lots of good books, watching quality content, and just in general trying my best to be a good person in the world working my butt off. I was the happiest I had ever been and was very at peace with myself and the world. Life felt magical and amazing. Then I got hit with depression seemingly out of nowhere for no apparent reason. I became numb and lost the ability to feel any emotion, good or bad. I lost touch with reality and ended up hospitalized because I wanted to end my life.
At the time the only thing I could think of was maybe it was a so called "dark night of the soul". After getting help I slowly began to get back to how I was before but something had changed. It was like something inside of me died. That spark I had once had for life was gone.
Now I find myself here many years later, a shell of my former self. Healthy habits replaced with toxic ones. I struggle to be optimistic. I find it harder to be compassionate. Harder to accept the suffering and difficulties of life. I've regressed and it kills me. I know what I'm missing out on since I've been to that place of self actualization but I struggle to get myself back to that place.
I can geniuenly say I've tried my best at times but my mental health issues still always seem to linger. It doesn't make sense to me this all would have happened when I was living such a healthy life style before. I'm very worn down from fighting for so long. I struggle to get the fire lit inside of me that I now need to pull myself out of this hole. Not sure what to do. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I lack meaning and purpose in my life now but my depression has been making it very difficult for me to find it again.
As a last aside I would like to add that I have been and currently am getting professional help for my mental health issues.
Thank you for your time!